Whiskers on Kittens

H
Harper (Foundation)

Tue, Mar 6 at 2:36 PM

Hi Shane! We’re kicking off this year’s charity baskets and I wanted to check in to see if we should still be reaching out to Yuna for everything?

Y
Yuna Hollander

Tue, Mar 6 at 2:38 PM

Hi sweetie!

Has Harper reached out about the charity baskets yet? My notes say that she usually does so around the league’s fiscal week 36

I’ve already reached out to some of your sponsors about what they want included in the basket

Reebok has a new shoe line that they’re launching at the end of Q1 that they think would be great for this

City Seltzer suggested their picnic basket flavour, to go with the team colours

CCM will provide a hat as usual that you can sign

Rolex is still a pass on the opportunity, but they seemed open about doing a larger charitable activation with you. We have a meeting scheduled right after the All-Star break for them to present a pitch deck with some ideas

Wow

Thanks for doing all that already

You really didn’t need to haha

Of course, Shane! We don’t want to get surprised again like in your rookie season.

I really do appreciate it

It’s just…

I want Ilya to make it

Oh!

That makes total sense

He is your boyfriend

I’ll connect with him to let him know what I’m thinking and I can be the go-between for the brands

Please don’t

It’s a long story but I want him to do it himself

Okay sweetie

Reebok will be a little disappointed but I can let them know

Thanks mom

Love you

Love you too Shane!

H
Harper (Foundation)

Tue, Mar 6 at 2:41 PM

Actually can you reach out to Lily?

Lily 💐L

Cool. Did your mom get some help?

What?

I’m assuming that Lily is her new assistant?

Oh

Uh

Lily is my partner

WHAT?!???!??!??!

Sorry that was very unprofessional of me

What?!?!

I didn’t know you were dating anybody!!

Lily and I are pretty private

Not many of the guys know either

Wow I’m honoured

I’ll reach out to Lily

Thanks!

Will Lily be joining us at the gala this year? I can add her to the Foundation & Wives chat to help with logistics

We’re long distance so Lily won’t be able to attend any of the events this season

Sorry

Awww that must be tough

Where is she located if you don’t mind me asking?

Boston

…

I know I know Hayden gives me enough shit about it already

So Hayden knows huh?

Surprised Jackie hasn’t added her to the WAG chat yet

Oh yeah

Like I said we’re pretty private

And since Lily isn’t able to meet any of them it felt kind of pointless

Hmmm

Well let me or Jackie know if you guys every change your minds

Will do

Also as an aside I am sooooo glad you’re getting someone else to do your basket this year

I love your mom but we felt like we had to put #sponsored on the listing

Not that it didn’t always raise a lot of money!

Haha yeah

Hopefully Lily can deliver

Not to put on too much pressure

But

Did you see what Rozanov did for his basket earlier this season?

Um

Yes?

It was so so good

Could hardly believe it was his!

Only one bottle of vodka

And went for so so much money

I want your basket to raise way more money that Rozanov

So we can rub it in the faces of those smug Raiders Foundation girls at the league meetings

Wow

The BOS MTL rivalry isn’t just on the ice Shane

Oh

Yeah

Lily and I will try

Thanks Shane!

Appreciate it 🙂

H
harper metros foundation

Tue, Mar 6 at 2:51 PM

Hey Lily! This is Harper from the Metros Foundation for Children. Excited to hear about you and Shane!

hello harper

but how did you get this number

Shane didn’t tell you?

He said you were going to be the one helping out with the charity baskets this year

J
jane

Tue, Mar 6 at 2:57 PM

shane did you do what i think you did

I have no idea what you’re talking about

oh i think you do

you make me your WAG

I have no idea what you mean

After all you aren’t a wife or a girlfriend

not yet

😈

Affectionately, fuck you

i would but you are not in boston

4 more days

and 6 hours

then

✊🍆💦🫦

Jesus Ilya

I’m with the team!

H
harper metros foundation

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:05 PM

shane did not tell me

but is okay

he is not best at communication

In fairness he is better than a lot of his teammates

But yes

Like that time Hayden Pike had to miss our playground build event because one of his kids were sick and Shane volunteered to take his place

Except neither of them told us

And you see all the volunteers had to wear a Metros Foundation shirt but all we had was Hayden’s shirt leftover for Shane

And I don’t know how well you know Hayden but he’s a much smaller guy than Shane

So Shane had to go through the whole event in this incredibly skin tight shirt. Seriously it was like it was painted on

!!!

please tell me you have photos

Soooo many photos

And video

Like I cannot describe how tight your man’s shirt was

It was borderline inappropriate for the event

But like he was being so sweet covering for Hayden that we couldn’t tell him no

harper

that is the best story

please send me all the photos and video

It was on the website for a while

We were politely asked by Theriault to take it all down unfortunately

Something about not a good look

booooo

what a loss for us all but mostly me

Truly

I think it’s still on a drive somewhere though

i will pay you $100 if you send to me

please

I can send it to you once I get everything for the charity basket. Deal?

yes

deal

you are one of my three favorite things about the metros

Three?

yes

shane

you

and one time i met the security dog

I appreciate that I’m on the list but wouldn’t any of the two Cups be on it?

shane did not tell you?

i am raiders fan

Holy crap he said you were from Boston not that you were a FAN

That must make things interesting

yes

😈

Wow

Learning new things about Shane Hollander every day!

yes everyone thinks he is boring

but he has hidden depths

J
jane

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:15 PM

i do not like like your coach

???

he should win opposite of jack adams

Again ????

why did you not tell me about tight shirt event

What are you even talking about?????

when you covered for the fifteenth best metro for the foundations

and had to wear a super tight shirt

why did you not send me photos before your stupid coach took them down

How the hell do you know about that?

i am wag now

i get wag gossip

Jesus are you talking to Harper?

I only gave her your number for the baskets!

she is great

very willing to tell stories about Shane Hollander

Stop asking for stories about me!!!!!

😈

H
harper metros foundation

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:26 PM

Anyways back on topic

The charity baskets

You and Shane are going to put together a basket of his “favourite things.”

And yes a literal basket because we’ve been asked that before

It should be 8-10 items of varying value that means something to Shane but also is appealing to Metros or hockey fans

Signed merch, alcohol, that sort of thing

We’ll be auctioning them off to raise money to aid underprivileged youth in discovering the benefits of being active

ah yes i am familiar with favorite things baskets

Good!

Hopefully this should be pretty easy for you

i am very good at knowing what shane likes

😏

…Anyways

We need his basket ready to go by March 23

should not be a problem

One more thing!

Being a Raiders fan I’m sure you saw Ilya Rozanov’s charity basket

And the shit ton of money it raised

With the rivalry both with the guys and the teams we want to see Shane’s basket go for even more money

will be hard to do

rozanov is the best player in the MLH

but i will try

Thanks Lily!

And feel free to reach out to me if you or Shane have any questions

J
jane

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:37 PM

Video call?

not yet

i need to brainstorm your charity basket

narrow down your favorite things

I never used that excuse when I did yours!

yes you just kept sending weird sexts

I was not sexting you asshole

I was trying to figure out what you liked based on asking you questions

Like a normal human being

communicating?

harper says you cannot do that

Fuck you

They were regular texts

you still jerked off during it yes?

Fuck

Yes

what is your favorite brand of lube?

The one you normally get

Wait

Is this for the basket?

DO NOT PUT LUBE IN THE BASKET

😇

H
Harper (Foundation)

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:40 PM

Thanks for passing along Lily’s contact info! We should be all set

No problem

One thing

If Lily sends anything directly to you can you double check with me before opening it or posting it? Please?

Sure?

Sorry

Lily likes playing jokes sometimes

Afraid she’ll put in some Raiders stuff?

She said she was a Raiders fan

Yeah

Something like that

Don’t worry we’ll check with you before anything goes live!

Thank you!

HB
Harper Borderleau

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:47 PM

So. Jackie. Shane and Lily

What do you know about Shane and Lily?

Don’t worry Shane told me you know

Wow really not opening up huh

🤐

Fiiiine Shane told me that he was seeing a girl named Lily in Boston

He gave me her number to help with the charity baskets this season

J
Jackie Pike

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:55 PM

Shane Hollander!

???

Do you guys need a babysitter again?

No

Actually yes but that’s not why I was texting

I’ll come back to the babysitting gig in a sec

You told Harper about Ilya?

Wow she is not discrete

But yeah

Lily at least

Why????

I thought you guys were keeping it on the dl

We are! A lot of the guys have already heard about Lily so its not too shocking

Plus you are a 20 something man who is relying on his mother for work

27

Fuck that’s not helping me

It is not

Okay don’t tell anyone this especially Hayden

But I had a lot of fun putting together Ilya’s basket

And I kinda wanted to see what he would do for me

Awwww you are so sweet

It is 100% going to backfire

It definitely is

He’s such a romantic and nobody knows it

I want others to see what he’s like even if they don’t know its him

Ugh were we this sickening when Hayd and I did our first basket together?

I think you were pregnant with morning sickness with the twins so literally yes

Oh right

Anyways are you free Wednesday afternoon?

H
Harper Borderleau

Tue, Mar 6 at 3:57 PM

I know you’re checking with Shane

Yes because he does not talk about Lily with ANYBODY

It’s surprising

Not as surprising as him not having a #sponsored basket this year

tbh you should see his place

It’s like half #sponsored half his interior designed he hired fresh off his ELC

So pretty accurate

Ugh but just because its accurate doesn’t mean that he should

Even Rozanov understands that

Rozanov?

God Jackie

I thought you followed all the Foundation drama

I do but what does that have to do with Rozanov?

UGH

The Boston girls struck gold this season

Rozanov got himself a girl that picked out a perfect charity basket for him

Real upgrade from the fuckboy shit he’d been donating for years

And they raised hella money

I’m sorry that they are able to help more kids?

Ughhhhhh Jackieeeee

I love kids

I get paid half of nothing in order to help them

But those girls were just so damn smug in the league foundation group chat

We HAVE to beat them

And I love your husband but Shane is our only chance

I get it

I think

ANYWAYS

Shane and Lily: when did this happen

I need details

They’ve been involved for a while but recently got more serious

That’s all I’m going to say

You’re the worst

You know Harper I have four kids

Plus Hayden

And Martine has been itching to take on some of the WAG duties

Nobody would blame me if I let her

Worst? I mean best

〈   Notes

J
jane

Mon, Mar 12 at 4:07 PM

моя «Звуки музыки»

i have come up with your favorite things

That’s Sound of Music

yes!

you are super gay of course you knew

Fuck off you called me that a few months ago

I just remembered it

😘

What is the list?

it was very easy

i am surprised you took so long when you did mine

i must love you more

Asshole

I spent all that time to make sure it was the perfect basket

Which means I love you more

but i am going to help you and harper win at stupid foundation competition yes?

only time the metros will win anything

proof of my love

Fuck off

We have two Cups

How many do you have?

yes but we won first

only time you are first is when you cum

Jesus

Stop derailing

okay okay but we will call after yes

Yes

ginger ale

your jersey

Good start

condoms

lube

phone tripod

moxies gift card

me on mlh 15

What the fuck?

MLH 15 doesn’t even make sense

i am not on the cover of mlh 19 ((

Oh

but rest is okay?

Absolutely the fuck not

If condoms weren’t okay for your basket why did you think they’d be okay for mine??

favorite thing

you buy them all the time yes?

That doesn’t matter!

Jesus

fine fine i won’t order them

Actually

We need a restock

Just don’t put it in the basket, okay?

oke

soooo

what do you like doing when you are not playing hockey or fucking me or shooting commercials?

Christ

you said to ask questions!

You at least have to try to be sly

fine fine

next time i sext you i make sure to ask about hobbies while youre stroking yourself

better?

Ilya

You know I love you for more than just sex right?

And I know that I’m kinda single minded about a lot of things

But it’s not one single thing about you that I’m in love with

It’s so many little things

shane

моя любовь

And I know that you love a lot of little things about me too right?

shaaaaane

i cannot put your angry kitten face in a basket

or how you have to fold your clothes

is impossible

🙁

I thought that too but to be honest I got help from Jackie and the Boston WAGs

betrayal!

They barely did anything!

I already knew the gist of what to get it was more figuring out how to translate it to a basket!

Like toy cars in place of your actual car

and you sexted me weird sexts

They weren’t sexts!

But yes I subtly

SUBTLY

Asked questions about what you do in a day to get ideas

this is making you sad about being apart so much too yes?

God Ilya it hurts so much

at least the season is almost over

Just 27 more days

And then 10 days after that you can visit me in Montreal once the Raiders are out of the playoffs

hollander you have a typo

10 days for metros be eliminated

easy mistake

In your dreams Rozanov

〈   Notes

S
svetlana vetrova

Tue, Mar 13 at 11:23 AM

you are good at giving gifts, yes?

Hello Sveta, how are you?

I am good Ilyusha, how are you?

I am fine, but I had temporary amnesia for anything but hockey and was unable to text or call

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear about the only logical explanation for you to completely ghost me since January

😬

whoops

Yes whoops

Where the hell have you been?

i am sorry sveta

but i seem to remember somebody saying that they are very busy now that they got a promotion and don’t have time to help ilya with his silly little problems

I do not remember that at all

Besides I did not mean to ignore me for entire MONTH

yes well i was busy

🙄

We are all busy

But I might have time to help

Who do you need to give a gift to? Was a hookup finally that good?

it is not a hookup

but i need to make a gift basket for… someone special

Someone special? Did you finally admit that you love Jane?

do not tell anybody

but yes

!!!!

This almost makes up for the past month

Does he know you love him?

Or is that the reason for the gift basket?

Which would be fucking weird by the way

yes he knows

we are boyfriends )))

Will I finally meet him?

he is deeper in the closet than i am

but someday

i hope

Okay so you are making a gift basket for the mysterious Jane

But will not tell me who he is

Can you tell me about him?

he is so boring

Wow great start

no no no

he is so boring

he will tell me all about his house

“ilya I have my own well so the water is really good”

and it is really good

he is mr. real estate

i could listen to him talk about his boring house for hours

Hmmm maybe something about houses? Like Architectural Digest?

Or HGTV?

sveta!

you are a genius!

Yes. That’s why you are texting me

What else about him?

very hot

very flexible

he does yoga

comes in very handy

😏

Of course you and Jane would have very hot yoga sex

Maybe some fancy lube? Or a new toy?

i asked and he already said no ((

You ASKED him what he wants in his gift basket???

well kind of

i need to come up with the gifts

and he has veto power

What the hell kind of gift basket are you putting together?

a good one

he made me one and now i must beat him

I’m starting to understand why you disappeared

yes ))

Before I forget: one more idea

Fancy yoga mat

sveta!

you will definitely be coming to our wedding

thank you

Wedding?!

Ilyusha don’t you disappear on me again

ILYA

〈   Notes

J
jane

Fri, Mar 16 at 1:18 PM

distract me please

mlhpa is here for league media training

That’s very important!!

You should pay attention!!

i have been in mlh for 9 years

i have been media trained

There’s always room for improvement

Like learning how to not be fined $5K for inappropriate comments

was bullshit

violation of my free speech

Maybe if you paid attention you’d realize why its not

we already went over that

now they are talking about being sensitive

how to respect gay people

they do not realize how respectful i am of gay people

😏

Okay I am fine with you being distracted during that

thank you for the permission

I am not sexting you though

that feels very disrespectful of gay people

You’re bi though

wow hollander

how long have you been waiting to use that

Fucking years

but please

distract me with what you’re doing

dubek just asked how gay people decide who is the man and who is the woman

i cannot listen to this

Don’t make fun of me

But you know how my dad gave me his old polaroid camera?

yes моя лампочка

Lightbulb?

yes

for the flash

I brought some of the photos we took together to Montreal

I’m trying to figure out how to make a photo album

a photo album?

Shut up

I know we have to delete all the photos we send each other but sometimes I wish that we had something we could look back on

Besides texts

Are you okay with that?

no i am not okay

you are making me cry during gay sensitivity training

i love you so much

I love you too!!!! ♥️

〈   Notes

Charitable Mrs. Metros

Tue, Mar 20 at 2:15 PM

Harper (Foundation)

Adding a new girl! Don’t make it weird

Harper has added Lily to the conversation

Harper (Foundation)

Hi all! Reminder that I need to have everything for the charity baskets in hand by this Friday!

If you’re late I will make sure that your man is signed up for the season ticket holder signing day

That’s four hours of dealing with our favorite fans who can bring as many things as they’d like to get signed

🙂

Diana (Roy)

jesus harper

Livvy (Andropov)

You really know how to pick a punishment, huh?

Shannon (Gagnon)

Wow imagine if everyone knew that our sweet little foundation team acted like this

Martine (Comeau)

Harper is just trying her best girls!

Erin (Miitka)

Way to distract us from the important news. Who is Lily? Why is she here?

Isa (Wilson)

Seriously it’s been forever since we got new blood

Martine (Comeau)

Lily who do you belong to?

Diana (Roy)

um i thought we agreed to not phrase it that way anymore

given we’re all individuals not defined by our significant others

Martine (Comeau)

Ugh fine. Lily who is your man?

Livvy (Andropov)

I’d argue that’s not much better

Erin (Miitka)

Harper literally just used that same phrase and nobody had any objections

Isa (Wilson)

Harper is a saint who has to deal with us and the guys I’d argue she can use whatever phrasing she’d like

Jackie (Pike)

Hey is this really the first impression we want to give?

hello ladies

i belong to shane )))

Livvy (Andropov)

Holy shit SHANE???

Erin (Miitka)

I thought that boy was a monk

Isa (Wilson)

Explain Rose Landry then?

Diana (Roy)

woah the captain has a girl????

Shannon (Gagnon)

Ughhh still disappointed that we never got Rose Landry in the chat

Martine (Comeau)

Seriously. The captain dates a legit movie star and we never get any benefits from it?

Jackie (Pike)

Hey cool it with the ex talk?

no it is fine jackie

shane and rose are not compatible

she is not a threat

Jackie (Pike)

So all those texts to Shane after he and Hayd did an X-Squad marathon on the west coast swing were what? A friendly check in?

is lie

pike is a liar

Isa (Wilson)

Wait Jackie you knew about Lily????

Diana (Roy)

you were holding out on us girl!

Martine (Comeau)

Jackie why didn’t you add Lily to the WAG chat?

I know you like to be the one to add girls but that feels like a huge oversight

Sorry if you felt excluded girl!

do not blame jackie

shane and i are still on the down low

Jackie (Pike)

Lily is not a native english speaker just fyi!

Also yes I knew about Shane and Lily but they told me they wanted to keep it private

yes thank you best pike

Jackie (Pike)

🙄

You and Hayd are friends just admit it

never

Harper (Foundation)

Okay yes I knew that Shane and Lily wanted to keep things private but since neither of you two had sent anything in for the basket yet you were going to get the same WAG treatment as everyone else

Jackie (Pike)

Tbh I don’t think that’d work on Lily

jackie is correct please make shane deal with seekers for four hours

and send photos

preferably ones where he looks like angry kitten

😾

Diana (Roy)

ngl did not expect this to be our first introduction to one of Shane’s girlfriends

Erin (Miitka)

All the guys call him “Captain Serious” meanwhile he’s dating a girl who legit wants him angry

Martine (Comeau)

I’m sure Lily is PMSing and is not normally this bitchy

no i am not pmsing

B
best pike

Tue, Mar 20 at 2:29 PM

i do not like martine

Join the club

Charitable Mrs. Metros

Tue, Mar 20 at 2:31 PM

Harper (Foundation)

ANYWAYS please keep this to the other WAG chat I know you have

If you can’t drop off the stuff for your baskets in person (Diana and Lily) please send it to the practice rink c/o Metros Foundation for the Children and it’ll get to the right people

hypothetically

if someone was having trouble thinking of appropriate things to put in the basket

how would they solve this issue?

Martine (Comeau)

You’ve come to the right place girl!

We’re happy to help anybody

Jackie you should have told Lily to reach out to us immediately

Diana (Roy)

what do you mean by appropriate

Isa (Wilson)

Yeah that feels very specific

i thought of many things my shane would enjoy

but he said no ((

Martine (Comeau)

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with that!

Jackie (Pike)

No no no hold on

Lily what did you include?

ginger ale signed jersey

Isa (Wilson)

Okay why did Shane say no?

condoms lube dildo

Isa (Wilson)

Holy shit

Erin (Miitka)

And you’re dating SHANE HOLLANDER

Livvy (Andropov)

Just screamed so loud that Nik was asking what was wrong

Did NOT expect that from Shane’s gf

Harper (Foundation)

Now I understand why Shane wanted to review what you sent

is shane’s favorite things though

😈

Martine (Comeau)

I for one did not need to know that about our captain

Jackie (Pike)

Martine you tell us not to text you whenever you’re ovulating so Gil can knock you up you can deal with Shane being a secret sex freak

But Lily I know you know why Shane said no

yes (((

can you lovely ladies help me come up with a new list?

Isa (Wilson)

Okay so a signed jersey and ginger ale are a good start. Do you have any other ideas?

Shannon (Gagnon)

Besides condoms etc because girl you KNOW that’s not appropriate

the architectural digest about his cottage

yoga mat because he loves yoga

and i love that he loves yoga 😏

Erin (Miitka)

Girl I think you’ve taken the crown of horniest WAG from Martine

Martine (Comeau)

Jackie literally has four children

Jackie (Pike)

Only three pregnancies though!

And we were only trying for Arthur

tmi jackie

i did not need to know that about pike

Erin (Miitka)

Girl you better be thanking your lucky stars that you are not in the regular WAG chat

Isa (Wilson)

Seriously that is all baby making all the time

Diana (Roy)

i stg if i hear luteal phase one more time

Harper (Foundation)

Okay just because I want to help children doesn’t mean I want to hear about them getting made

Martine (Comeau)

Thank you Harper for getting us back on track

Lily is there anything that Shane likes to do?

Jackie (Pike)

Lily don’t

Martine (Comeau)

Let the girl speak!

he loves going down on me

number one at head

Shannon (Gagnon)

WTF

Diana (Roy)

wow okay

Jackie (Pike)

I tried to warn you

Anything basket appropriate that Shane likes that you can think of?

he loves hockey

has been playing since he was tiny baby shane

yuna indoctored him to love metros

is very sad

Livvy (Andropov)

Indoctoronated you mean?

And its not hard to love the Metros!!

Best team in hockey

Isa (Wilson)

Wait wasn’t Shane a Metros fan growing up?

he was a centaurs fan

shhhh is secret

but yuna made sure metros were second favorite

Shannon (Gagnon)

Centaurs? Ouch

Erin (Miitka)

Poor kid

Shannon (Gagnon)

Did he grow up reading the Hockey Sweater?

Diana (Roy)

omg i forgot about that book!!

that was a staple of every canadian kid’s upbringing

Livvy (Andropov)

Oh if his mom was a Metros fan he def grew up reading it

hockey sweater?

i am not canadian so do not know this book

Jackie (Pike)

It’s a children’s book about a kid who is a Metros fan who accidentally got sent a Guardians sweater by mistake

was not aware canadians read horror stories as children

Martine (Comeau)

Lol!

Isa (Wilson)

it is kinda deep if you read past the whole hockey rivalry part

Livvy (Andropov)

Ooooh speaking of rivalries

Not to stay on the hockey theme but well it’s Shane

Maybe include something about his rivalry with Rozanov?

Erin (Miitka)

Yes!

Shannon (Gagnon)

Great idea!

Diana (Roy)

yeah shane hates that guy

Isa (Wilson)

It’s supposed to be Shane’s favourite things though. If he hates Rozanov is it really a favourite?

Harper (Foundation)

Tell that to the #sponsored baskets for the past nine seasons

I have not seen Shane drink a City Seltzer a single time

no no rivalry is good idea

shane loves playing against rozanov

even if he loses because of his weak backhand

Martine (Comeau)

What! That’s not very loyal! Support your man!!

Isa (Wilson)

Man if Hollander’s backhand is weak I don’t even want to know what you’d consider Stefan’s

this was very helpful thank you )))

Diana (Roy)

can’t wait to see what you two come up with!

Harper (Foundation)

Remember: end of this week

Or I subject your man to the seekers

Marvelous Mrs. Metros

Tue, Mar 20 at 2:43 PM

Martine has added Lily to the conversation

Martine (Comeau)

Since Jackie wasn’t going to do it, wanted to add you to the real WAG chat!

Lily has left the conversation

Martine (Comeau)

Rude!

〈   Notes

H
Harper (Foundation)

Fri, Mar 23 at 10:01 AM

Hi Shane! Confirming that we got the package from Lily for the charity basket

Arrived just in time

You are excused from the four hour autograph session with the season ticket holders 🙂

Wait

You got what?

And I’m excused from the what?

Did Lily not relay any of this?

No…

God do neither of you know how to communicate

If you were late with the basket stuff, you were going to be voluntold to do the long shift for autographs

Standard punishment

Wow

That’s harsh

…

Would that punishment be something available for say a captain to use?

Hollander didn’t expect a mean streak

Mostly getting really tired of the clear tape on the blades prank every practice

So if Andropov happened to get signed up to sign autographs…

I’m picking up what you’re putting down

Anyways you mentioned wanting to double check what Lily sent?

To be honest when she shared her initial list I was also worried about what she would send but unless you two have a weird kink it looks good

I’m afraid to ask what was on Lily’s initial list

It was condoms and lube

Yeah that was what Lily had initially shared with me too

But the actual basket turned out much better!

Like there are legit collectors items in it

We are so beating the Raiders Foundation girls

And raising money to aid underprivileged youth in discovering the benefits of being active of course

Of course

And I trust your judgment

Thanks for all the work that you put into the foundation

It’s literally my job Shane

J
jane

Sat, Mar 24 at 10:07 AM

did you get the charity basket list from harper yet?

shipping company says it was delivered yesterday before the punishment deadline

Thanks for not telling me about the four hour autograph session asshole

But yes Harper confirmed that she got it

well

what do you think????

I told Harper not to tell me. I kinda want it to be a surprise

I trust you

fuck

shane

why do you always make me feel so mushy

Because I love you

♥️

♥️

Y
yuna

Thu, Mar 29 at 1:04 PM

Hi honey! I saw that you helped Shane with his Metros charity basket this year

It wasn’t what I would have gone with, but I think you did an excellent job

thank you yuna

🙂

I mean I wish that we could have gotten Reebok in there

And I don’t think City Seltzer is thrilled about the ginger ale inclusion given they’re both competitors in the non-soda carbonated beverage vertical

But I admit this basket was very Shane

it was very fun thinking of things for him

especially after he made me such a great basket!

You two are too sweet

When the season is over you both need to drop by for dinner

And we need to institute family dinner nights once we’re all out at the cottages!

of course yuna!

will make plans with shane

H
harper metros foundation

Thu, Mar 29 at 1:16 PM

hello harper metros foundation

That’s Harper Metros Foundation for Children**

And what’s up?

you received the charity basket yes?

Yes! Thank you again

We’re on pace to beat Rozanov 🤞

i did not forget the promise you made me

What promise?

Sorry my brain is mush after corralling all these baskets

pictures of shane in tight shirt ))

please ))

Oh duh!

Let me grab the link



thank you third best metro

Not even a promotion?

relax. you are still beating youppi

J
jane

Thu, Mar 29 at 1:19 PM

Ilya

I just saw the basket

do you like it?

Fuck Ilya

It’s perfect

good )))

you were right. it was very fun coming up with your favorite things )))

Now I understand why you bought your basket

Other people winning the auction?

Not happening

good thing you are millionaire

will have to bid against me

but you will lose because you are always number two

Asshole

Video call?

of course

Don't Mets With Us

Thu, Mar 29 at 1:30 PM

Pike

Hey looks like the charity baskets are out!

Miitka

Don’t remind me

Erin missed the deadline so Harper made me sign autos

🤮

Roy

oh shit that’s why you had to stay at that table?

was wondering because everyone else got to rotate

Miitka

Four. Hours.

We’ve got some real weirdo fans too

Wilson

Was the one with the cape there?

Miitka

Of course she was

Had ten fucking things to sign

Roy

surprised you had enough fans that people wanted your auto for four hours

Comeau

Oh Miitty did not

Martine took a pic of him looking all sad and lonely

Fucking hilarious

Miitka

Fuck off I was not sad

I was contemplative

Boiziau

Oooooh big word there Miitty

Pike

Who are we thinking will make the most money?

Wilson

Hollander

Drapeau

Hollander

Roy

hollzy

Miitka

Hollander

Boizeau

Capitaine

Andropov

Hollzy

Gagnon

Hollander

Comeau

Hollander

What kind of question is that

Drapeau

Seriously Pike

Hollander is always going to raise the most money

Pike

You never know!

There are some great fucking baskets this year

Roy

please

hollzy is going to win with his basket full of stuff he’s paid to promote like always

fans love him

Gagnon

At least Hollander has actually legit sponsors

All I have is this fuck-ass tape

Wilson

The same tape as Connors on the Raiders right?

Heard he managed to get it in his basket this year

Gagnon

FUCK that would have been so smart

Andropov

Did Hollzy get a Canada Dry deal recently?

I feel like we would have heard about it

Roy

no he definitely did not

why?

Andropov

Context clues dude

He put fucking ginger ale in his basket

Drapeau

Holy shit Hollander’s basket is so Canadian

I can smell the maple syrup

Miitka

Figures the year that he stops with the sponsored shit he goes all in on hockey

Fucking machine!

Olsson

Hollander

Andropov

Shit Olsson you got dial up over there

Olsson

Sorry was too busy fucking my girlfriend to monitor the team gc 24/7

Boiziau

Speaking of girlfriends did anybody notice Shane’s listing 👀

Shane Hollander & Lily

Boston Lily has been locked down!

Comeau

The wife told me about Lily

Said she was a real bitch

Apparently refused to be in the WAG chat

Wilson

Yo don’t call our captain’s girl that

Pike

Hell don’t call anyone’s girl that

Comeau

Sorry if your sensitive but thats what I heard

Roy

*you’re

Pike

Shane and Lily are complicated

It’s a long distance thing and you know how Shane hates the spotlight

So don’t expect her to make any appearances

Olsson

You knew about Lily?

Pike

Unfortunately yes

In terms of having to deal with their relationship as Shane’s roommate on the road!

Not because I think it’s gross!

Definitely support Shane and Lily!

H
Hayden Pike

Thu, Mar 29 at 1:49 PM

Hey man where are you? The team chat is blowing up about you and Lily right now

Shane has notifications silenced

DND in the middle of the day?

Wait

Please don’t tell me that you’re having phone sex with Rozanov

MLH Cares

Sat, Apr 14 at 9:27 AM

Harper (MTL)

Hollander’s basket raised $1.5K more than Rozanov’s

Suck it Melissa!!!

Melissa (BOS)

Oh wow that’s really going to help the children! One question though

Was the Metros auction in CAD or USD?

Because ours was in USD and with the exchange rate at $1.30…

Harper (MTL)

Damnit

S
svetlana vetrova

Thu, Apr 22 at 10:39 PM

Did I suggest that you give a dildo to SHANE HOLLANDER

For CHARITY

End Notes

Tweet code can be found here
Text message code can be found here
Notes and the Montreal Metros website can be attributed to my experience with Neopets, Freewebs, MySpace profiles, and BAM Homebase (iykyk).

Images pulled from Google Image Search and/or created in Photoshop.

Inspiration for Shane's basket comes from this, this, and this (no the references did not switch up for the sequel).

Ask me all your hockey questions on twitter at @frensanemones