Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories:

F/M, M/M, Other

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Hayden Pike/Jackie Pike, Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike, Shane Hollander & Jackie Pike, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Hayden Pike, Jackie Pike, Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Hayden Pike's Children, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Svetlana Vetrova (mentioned), Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Yuna Hollander, David Hollander

Additional Tags:

Trans Female Character, Trans Hayden Pike, Misunderstandings, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Homophobic Language, Internalized Transphobia, Good Friend Ilya Rozanov, Good Friend Shane Hollander, POV Hayden Pike, POV Jackie Pike, POV Shane Hollander, POV Ilya Rozanov, Denial, Coming Out, Misgendering, never malicious, Queer Themes, Implied/Referenced Misogyny, Hayden sees a dick pic on Shane's phone and makes assumptions, These assumptions do not lead him where he thinks they will, does have a beta bc accepting help is cool, Hayden's just connecting the dots, (they're the wrong dots), (they're the right dots in the wrong order)

Language:

English

Series:

Part 1 of The recognition so richly deserved

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-23 Completed: 2026-04-26 Words: 15,563 Chapters: 6/6

Vitreous (glass-like)

Summary

Oh, he’s not gonna like this, but he knows how to let Shane know that Hayden will be welcoming to Lily. He grabs his laptop off the coffee table and looks up transgender athletes. If he can subtly drop some facts here and there, stuff that’ll stick in Hollzy’s insane memory for anything sports-related, Shane will start opening up about Lily before he even realizes he’s doing it. Hayden will—what’s it called?—classically condition him. Fucking take that, Pavlov.

Hayden sees a picture he shouldn’t have seen, comes to some interesting but well-meaning conclusions, and maybe learns some stuff about himself along the way.

Or, according to Mx_Cryptid on Ch. 4, "Hayden allied too close to the sun and cracked [his] own egg. Poor baby."

Notes

This is a multi-part series! The first part is finished and will be posted weekly. We've been yapping about this for months now and it's finally coming to fruition! We read Hayden Pike, Noted Ally by eden22 and were entranced by the idea.

Couple notes: Hayden's kids are named Ruby, Jade, Jasper (not Arthur), and Amber to keep the gem theme consistent for reasons that will become clear. We also moved their ages around to suit our story needs, sorry! Ruby and Jade were born in 2009, Jasper in 2015, and Amber will be born during the course of the story. We do justify the gaps lol

• Inspired by Hayden Pike, Noted Ally by eden22

Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

[October 2016]

I am Cait: Reviewing Caitlyn Jenner’s recently canceled docuseries

Trisha Macleod 2 mo. ago

Caitlyn Jenner took the world by storm just over a year ago with the announcement that she identifies as a transgender woman. Still, she didn’t leave questions unanswered long: E! network dropped the release date for a docuseries following Jenner’s gender transition almost immediately after Jenner’s viral interview with 20/20. Last week, I am Cait was canceled after two seasons due to low ratings. Follow along as we review the series, take a look at her family’s reactions, and speculate on what’s next for the former decathlete.

Jenner, formerly known as…Read more

------

Hayden goes back to fully read the article he’d skimmed the other week afterwards. It’s the only thing he can think to do—the first place he can think to find any kind of advice on how he should be reacting right now. 

The article is not very helpful. Not only does it not really have any tips for I saw my best friend’s secret girlfriend’s dick pic on his phone and I don’t know how to bring it up to him, but it’s kind of a weird article overall, speculating on whether Caitlyn Jenner still has a dick and if her daughters should call her “mom” now. Maybe Hayden shouldn’t have started with a tabloid article. 

It’d been the reason he’d realized what was actually happening, though, instead of assuming that some guy was fucking with Hollzy through Lily’s phone. That, and it’s objectively too nice of a nude to have been taken by a guy. Looked more like something Jackie would send him than anything he’s ever taken. Warm lighting, anonymous hotel sheets suggestively rumpled behind Lily, who’s up on her knees in the foreground, her calves tangled in the bedding. The photo cuts off at the ribs, showing Lily half-twisted towards the mirror so that the arch of her back and her slim waist are on display with just the very tip of her dick teasingly peeking out from the splay of the hand not holding the phone.

Hayden should maybe feel weird about being so appreciative of a dick pic. Then again, it’s a girl’s dick, so maybe he’s enlightened for liking it. But it’s also his best friend’s girlfriend, so he’s probably back to feeling weird. He also snooped into Shane’s phone and learned something huge about the girlfriend Shane won’t even admit he has, so. Definitely weird. 

And, tabloid or not, it’d given him more than he’d had before. Gives him things like hormones and dysphoria and my brain is female. Gives him, also, a pit in his stomach as the last couple years of stilted excuses and awkward deflections rearrange themselves in his head and he puts together just why Shane would be so reluctant to admit that Lily exists. 

Hayden really hopes it’s just that Shane is trying to protect her from the weird shit she’d get and not that he’s ashamed of her. The pit in his stomach deepens as he thinks about what it would be like to be Lily, having to choose between secrecy or scrutiny. He’d never—Hayden had always assumed that the thing between Shane and Lily was solid and Shane just didn’t want to talk about it. He tries to wrap his head around how fragile it must actually be, having to hide and miss each other and shove parts of themselves down all the time. He’s not sure he succeeds. 

------

[November 2016]

Hayden, truly, is not sure how the Rose of it all fits in. 

He flops down on the couch, grabbing the remote to throw on ESPN. He grimaces when Rozanov’s ugly mug is the first thing on his screen, but leaves the game on so he’ll know what Hollzy is talking about when it inevitably comes up. The man is intense about Boston.

Anyways, Rose. Shane likes her, that much is clear, and he can’t deny that they make a damn good couple. He just can’t get over the fact he’s pretty sure they’d first gotten papped within a week of the day where Shane had come back weird from meeting Lily. Tense and quiet where he’s normally relaxed, unfocused on the ice where Boston normally brings out the fire in him. 

Hayden’s not trying to make a red string board in his head, he’s really not, but Shane going from barely confirming that Lily exists to dating one of the most high-profile actresses in the world is just…well, it’s not behavior Hayden expects from a Shane who’s doing well. He’d been spotted at a club. TMZ said he was dancing. 

Shane likes Rose. Hayden likes Rose, with the few polite conversations they’ve had before or after a game. But Hayden’s red string board is pointing to some uncomfortable conclusions. Like the fact that Shane seems so comfortable with people watching his relationship like he’s in a fishbowl, as if he’s overcorrecting because secrecy had gone poorly. Or the fact that Hollzy always texts Rose right after a game, but never before like he had Lily, even if Hayden sees his phone light up with Rose’s name. Or the fact that Shane had said it was because he didn’t want to be distracted when Hayden mentioned it, even though Lily always seemed to make him more focused. Hayden’s even got the fact that they both have floral names up there, albeit way in the corner.

Some rebound, Hayden thinks. 

Oh, he’s not gonna like this, but he knows how to let Shane know that Hayden will be welcoming to Lily. He grabs his laptop off the coffee table and looks up transgender athletes. If he can subtly drop some facts here and there, stuff that’ll stick in Hollzy’s insane memory for anything sports-related, Shane will start opening up about Lily before he even realizes he’s doing it. Hayden will—what’s it called?—classically condition him. Fucking take that, Pavlov. 

Lily might even be an athlete, for all he knows. Her thighs looked like a fucking Amazon’s in the photo he definitely did not see. Makes sense, though—Hayden thinks that someone who can complement Hollzy’s intensity would honestly be better for him than someone who doesn’t get it. 

Not that he means that as a dig at Rose. She’s probably very intense about acting. And he’s gonna be real subtle about any connections to Lily, because he doesn’t want to break Shane and Rose up. It’s Shane’s damn life, he can make his own choices. Hayden just…he wants Shane to be able to talk about that part of his life. Wants Shane to stop carrying the whole damn world on his back all the time. Sometimes, from where Hayden is, the top looks pretty fucking lonely. 

------

[January 2017]

Shane listens with half an ear to Hayden mumbling to Jasper in the kitchen, most of his attention on the ‘Chel game that Jackie’s setting up for the three of them. Hayden’s always got a stream-of-consciousness monologue running when he’s got a baby in his arms, but the tone of this one has…shifted. Shane’s curious if it has anything to do with Hayden acting a little off lately. Nothing seems wrong, exactly—Shane’s just pretty sure he’s heard more non-hockey trivia out of Hayden’s mouth in the last two months than he ever has before. He’s hoping Hayden’s rambling will give him a clue as to why. 

“I’m trying, Jaspie baby, I really am, but your Uncle Shane’s a little clueless,” Hayden coos, accompanied by cabinets and drawers opening and shutting. Okay. Rude. Shane huffs softly at the stray. “I don’t think anything’s getting through his head but the sports part.”

The fridge opens and closes. “And not even that, half the time, ‘cuz I’ve got like nothing hockey-related, which is kinda brutal. Disheartening, that’s the word. And as you know, my darling son, hockey is the best sport in the world, so it’s the only sport Uncle Shane pays any attention to.” 

No, that one’s fair. He’s really tired of hearing about track and field. And golf. 

“It might be time to bring out the big guns, Jasper.” A pause. Shane can hear Jasper babbling faintly. “No, you’re right, we’re still gonna be subtle. Don’t wanna spook him. He’s like the horse in that movie your sisters were watching. Gotta approach reeeaaal slow.”

He is not a horse. Shane resolves to be so fucking normal about whatever Hayden’s trying to get him to figure out. Is that what a person who’s being casual and normal would say? Whatever.

“But your Uncle Shane’s a smart guy, no matter what your mom says.” Hayden’s voice is growing closer as he walks back to the living room, and Shane scrambles to sit casually, not wanting to look like he’d been eavesdropping. Jackie glares, even as she motions for Hayden to hand her Jasper. 

“I think Shane’s smart!” She settles Jasper on her lap while Hayden sets the charcuterie board down on the coffee table and flops between Shane and Jackie. 

Shane snorts, handing Hayden his controller. “You call my cupboard organization stupid every time you’re at my place.”

“And I’m sure your system works for you,” Jackie says primly, holding her own controller out of Jasper’s reach. 

Shane sends a playful glare her way. “Whatever. You’re going down.” 

“Don’t chirp my wife, Hollzy,” Hayden says mournfully. “I tried to handicap her with the baby but you know she’s gonna kick our asses anyways.”

Jackie coos down at Jasper. “You’re not a handicap, sweetie, you’re Mommy’s secret weapon.” She levels a glare at Hayden. “Say that again and I’ll never let you win another game.”

Hayden looks outraged. “Let me? Let me? I can win on my own, thank—”

Shane hits start before either of them can argue further. 

------

[February 2017]

This is going great, actually. Hayden’s a little surprised. Hollzy’s been doing way better since he came back from All-Stars, relaxed in a way Hayden doesn’t see often. Especially not in the countdown to playoffs. 

Hayden’s started seeing a certain name pop up on Shane’s phone again, and he’s seen like three tabloids with pictures of Shane and Rose captioned TROUBLE IN PARADISE? in the last week. It’s not hard to guess where Hollzy’s good mood came from.

Wait, fuck, that sounds like Rose was bad for him. He’s sure she was great. But Shane had had a terrible case of break-up blues about Lily in November, withdrawn and sullen and on-edge, and breaking up with Rose just does not seem to have done the same to him. Shane’s gone out with the team after every game lately, and he even mostly looks like he’s having a good time. He still ducks out early, but these days, it’s usually with his phone pressed to his ear and a soft smile on his face, so Hayden can’t blame him. He does the same thing all the time. 

They’re at TD Garden today, though, so Hayden tunes back into the bar debate just in time to hear Hollzy defer, only slightly awkwardly. He’s got a tiny smirk that says I’m not gonna confirm it but I’m certainly not denying it anymore. Yes. Get it, Hollzy. 

JJ claps him on the shoulder as Shane tugs his socks into place. “Sleeping with the Enemy is a great film, but let’s leave it to Julia Roberts, eh, mon capitane?”

Ooh, an opportunity. “Y’know, I just saw something about Julia Roberts making a statement in support of this transgender student ambassador. She seems really cool.”

Shane straightens up and looks him in the eye. Okay, weird. Shane only ever makes eye contact like he’s doing it on purpose to convey that they’re having a Serious Moment, and it never fails to freak Hayden out just a little. Shit, has Hayden gone too far and made him uncomfortable? He wouldn’t have that conversation in the Boston visitors' locker room, would he?

But Shane only says sincerely, “That is cool, Hayds.” 

Fuck yes, it was a good Serious Moment! He’s getting through to Shane! Hayden grins back and they share another moment of Prescribed Eye Contact before Shane turns to JJ.

“Sleeping with the Enemy is not the first Julia Roberts movie I’d go for here, J.”

JJ laughs, looking delighted that Shane’s engaging with the joke. “And what is your pick, my fearless leader?”

Shane starts humming “Pretty Woman” like an absolute dork. It works, though—the locker room fills with catcalls and wolf whistles, more than one player slapping Shane on the back as he walks towards the tunnel. He’s got his Lily smile on the entire time.

“Does that mean cap’s dating a hooker?” The rookie mutters worriedly from next to Hayden. Hayden snorts, claps the kid on the shoulder, and follows after Shane without answering.

Chapter End Notes

Jane's tumblr

Hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment or kudos, or head over to Jane's tumblr for their director's cut!

vivit’s notes: i know that in the show ilya sends shane a pretty typical fuckboi dick pic, but in my heart that man is capable of taking a godly nude if he puts the effort in. he just usually doesn’t bc it messes with his cool and detached image.

i’ve been having a lot of fun exploring the relationships present here and how they intertwine! stay tuned for lots of messy interpersonal dynamics!

Chapter 2

Chapter Summary

In which some things become clearer and others more confusing.

Chapter Notes

[March 2017]

Hayden has a soft spot for Minnesota. He’s had a couple of good friends end up on the Nomads, and it’s always fun to play against them because their fans are so nice. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s never forced to go out because the club scene in Minneapolis is dismal, and all the boys make their own plans. 

Shane’s withdrawn again, just a little. Spends more time looking at his phone with a gentle, helplessly worried look than with that soft Lily smile. Hayden knows that feeling, has seen that face in the mirror every time Jackie’s gone through something difficult and he’s had to leave her to go on the road for days on end. 

Still, Shane hightails it out of their hotel room with his phone already pressed to his ear, so Hayden’s sure it’s a sexy call. Hayden’s jealous. Jackie’s at game night—or book club? what day is it?—or he’d be doing the same. Nothing better to do in Minnesota. But when Shane comes back, his expression reads more like dog that got left at a friend’s house than I just cranked it with my hot trans girlfriend. He should ask Shane about it. Maybe Shane is ready to open up.

“How was phone sex with your girlfriend?” 

Maybe not like that, though. 

“I broke up with Rose. You know I broke up with Rose.” Shane rolls his eyes. 

“No, obviously I’m talking about Lily, the girl you’ve been texting since the beginning of time.”

“She. That’s not. Lily is not my girlfriend.”

They’re still on this? Man, Hayden reaaaally hopes Shane is still trying to do some awkward protection thing. He’d wondered when this had first started, but now he has the literature to back it up: it’s absolutely terrifying to be Lily right now. Maybe always. Hayden feels a deep pang of sympathetic fear, and hopes that Shane is on her side in whatever she needs.

“Hey dude, it’s okay. No matter who she is, we’ll love her for her. Jackie and I just watched The Danish Girl. We’re raising our kids to know that love is love.”

Shane stops rummaging in his suitcase and turns around. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Are you?” Here they go.

“What do you actually want to know about Lily? I assume that’s what you’re being weird about? You know about Lily?”

Hayden smiles gently at Shane before flopping back to look at the ceiling so Shane doesn’t have to worry about eye contact. “Yeah, man, I know.”

“Do you have any questions? Are you mad?” Shane looks nervous. 

“You know I would be okay with whoever you decide to date, it doesn’t matter if she isn’t like all the other WAGs, you know Jackie would be good to her. We just got the kids a whole bunch of books on like LGBT stuff, so we’re really cool about all that. I would wear a dress.”

That’s not right. There’s a yanking feeling, and he thinks his stomach may come right up his mouth. This isn’t how he planned for this conversation—his head feels full of cotton and his stomach feels full of rocks, and he thinks he may have just said something transphobic while trying to be supportive of his friend’s trans girlfriend. 

Shane furrows his brow. “Wait, I thought we were talking about Lily.” 

He pauses. “Is this the other conversation? Are you trying to tell me something, Hayden? I don’t care about that kind of stuff, be yourself, man.” Shane winces. “I mean, not man. Um. Pal?”

“Wait, what?” Hayden sits back up, brow furrowing.

“Hayden. You have obviously done a lot of research into LGBT issues, which I appreciate. But it’s okay if you learned something about yourself, too. I’m here for you, dude—buddy? Fuck.” 

“What?” 

Shane blinks. “Okay, hang on. Tell me what you think we’re talking about.”

“I figured out that your girlfriend is trans and I’ve been trying to like, show support, I guess? So you would feel comfortable talking about her more. And I thought we were finally ready to talk about it openly. Or, not finally, you can do this at your own pace. It’s just that I’ve been doing a lot of research, I guess. I mean, I’m happy to do it for you—you can stop me anytime here, man.”

Shane just looks gobsmacked. He blinks a couple times, shakes his head. Then he squints and says, “wait, figured out? What do you mean figured out?”

Oops. “Um. I may have seen a dick pic she sent to you?”

“What.”

“...in October.”

“WHAT?”

Hayden holds his hands up. “Maybe make your passcode something other than the date you were drafted, man!”

Shane looks murderous for a second, then visibly works to smooth his expression out. “Okay. Okay, I’m ignoring that, because clearly you didn’t tell anybody and you are trying to be supportive. But, Hayden. Hayden. How did you not just realize that Lily is a man?”

It’s Hayden’s turn to look gobsmacked. “Lily’s a man?” 

Shane chuckles a little and looks relieved, as if a weight’s lifted off his chest. “Yes, Hayd. I’m gay. Lily is a fake name.”

Hayden’s stomach trips over itself. He feels almost…disappointed, like he’s lost out on something. Wait, is he in love with Shane? No, that doesn’t make sense. He’d probably have felt this before if he was. He ignores the feeling for now. “Shit man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

Shane raises an eyebrow. “What you shouldn’t have done was snooped, but if you’re cool about this, then we’re cool. Are you cool?”

Hayden considers feeling offended, given how much work he’s done to prove that he’s cool. But all that work had also shown him many very good reasons Shane would want to double-check, so he decides to just feel grateful that Shane isn’t too mad that he overstepped. “Yeah, I’m cool. We’re cool.”

Shane nods, offers him a small but genuine smile. Hayden returns it, but feels his face drop into confusion as a detail sparks at his memory. “Wait, so, what did you think we were talking about? Did you think I was trying to come out to you?”

Shane laughs and settles back on his bed. “You’ve been like, randomly bringing up trivia about trans athletes and shit for months. And then looking at me after like you wanted my approval. I thought you were trying to ease me into it, or something. For the record, I would’ve been cool if you were trans. Even without the trivia.”

The yanking feeling is back. “You thought I was trans?”

Shane’s still grinning, like this is all a big joke. “It seemed like the most likely explanation!”

“I’ve got a wife, man! I’ve got four kids! How did you get there?” Hayden tries to lighten his tone, continue the joke. He’s not sure he succeeds. 

Shane’s grin shrinks minutely, and his eyes go a little calculating. He shrugs. “It just seemed like a lot of research for little old me. But whatever, it’s the thought that counts. We were both wrong, but we got there in the end.” 

Hayden rolls his shoulders back, tries to slow his heartrate. He’s not sure when it got so fast. Time to change the subject now, he thinks. He flops back on his bed. “So, what’s your boyfriend’s name?”

Shane rolls his eyes, but lets them move on. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

Hayden sits up a little to level a look at Shane. “Seriously?”

Shane tips his head, considering. “I like him enough. And I think he likes me. But we’ve just been—uh—” his face pinks a little, but he powers forward. “We’ve just been hooking up, y’know? Casual. I don’t know how it would work, trying to be something for real. We’ve never spent more than a couple hours at a time together.”

Hayden looks at him in disbelief. “Hollzy, that’s fucking sad, man.” 

Shane glares. “Shut up. It’s—we’re getting there, I think. But we honestly don’t see each other that often, he—he travels for work, too. And he’s well-known, like me, which…” Shane shrugs, gives a wry smile. “We have the same secret.” He says it like he’s quoting someone. 

Shane continues, “but it also means twice the hiding. Feels like we’re hiding from each other, sometimes.” 

Hayden blinks, takes that all in. “Was that supposed to convince me that this isn’t sad as hell?” 

Shane rolls his eyes. “I’m thinking about asking him to come to my cottage this summer, maybe. Just for a bit.”

“Wait, that’s great! Why didn’t you ask him today?” 

Shane shifts on the bed. “He’s got some family stuff going on. Didn’t feel like a good time. Maybe next time we’re in Boston.”

Hayden fist-pumps. Shane points at him. 

“Maybe.” 

Hayden waves this away. “Maybe nothing. Love wins, baby—hey!” He throws the pillow back. “Rude, Hollzy.” 

------

[April 2017]

Hayden knocks lightly on the open door. “Hey, champ. How ya feelin’?”

Shane just groans in response.

Hayden settles in the chair next to the bed. “That good, huh.” 

“They had me on the good stuff for a while,” Shane mumbles. He waves his uninjured arm vaguely. “But it wore off.” He groans again, suddenly. “Oh god, I totally embarrassed myself in front of I—my—Lily.” 

Hayden sits upright. “Wait, he was here? Is he still here? I wanna meet him!” 

“Lives here,” Shane says, his eyes fluttering. “Watched the game.” His eyes grow more alert, focusing on Hayden. “No meeting.” 

Hayden slumps back. “Was worth a shot. What’d you do?” 

Shane grimaces. Hayden’s not sure if it’s out of pain or residual embarrassment. “I had a whole plan to ask him about the cottage after the game. Marly fucked it up, and I threw the plan out the window to ask him high off my ass, instead.” 

Hayden winces in sympathy. “What’d he say?”

Shane makes his voice gruffer, like he’s imitating someone. “Maybe.” He pauses. “Well, first he said Hollander, you know I can’t do that. So, definitely a no.”

Hayden wants to console him, but he’s stuck on one detail. “He calls you by your last name?”

Shane blinks, looking caught off-guard. “Um.”

Hayden takes pity on his injured best friend. “No, I get it. That must be, like, casual for gay guys, right?”

Shane looks relieved. And grateful. “Yeah, something like that.” 

Ugh. Hayden’ll get you next time, Mysterious (Not) Boyfriend. 

------

[July 2017]

Hayden hangs up the phone with a weird aftertaste in his mouth. He’d, admittedly, called Shane just to bitch about what a pain it’s been to get Jasper into a good preschool when Shane had said don’t call unless it’s important, but he hadn’t like, thought that Shane meant it. 

Hayden’s happy for him. Hollzy locked down Lily The Mysterious (Probable) Boyfriend! They’re at the cottage! It’s great! He also knows, though, that he can never ever congratulate Shane unless Shane tells him directly. Forget Hollzy’s anxiety—Hayden wouldn’t be able to handle the embarrassment. Yeah, after you only told me you were gay because I saw a nude on your phone, I figured out that your boyfriend said yes to the cottage because I could tell you were getting head on the other end of the call. Anyways, congrats, man! Absolutely not.

He’s in kind of a weird mood, which is why he’d called Shane in the first place. Normally in the summer, he’d be all over his kids, making up for the time he loses out on during the season, but they’re with Jackie’s parents for the day. Jackie herself is at work, and Hayden’s just been melting on the couch where he’d flopped after finishing his to-do list for today.

He shifts, sweat making his shirt stick uncomfortably to his back. Summer in Montreal has nothing on growing up in Arizona, but it’s nothing to scoff at either. He’d called Shane for a distraction from stewing in his thoughts. Now he’s back to feeling itchy and restless in his skin. 

He heaves himself off the couch and changes from ratty house clothes to slightly-less ratty workout clothes. He grabs his headphones, keys, and wallet, checking to make sure his ID badge is in there, and makes his way to the Centre Bell training facility. He nods at the security guy on his way down to the gym. Working out always makes him feel more centered in his body, more connected to every part of it instead of locked up somewhere in the middle. It gets that way sometimes when he hasn’t played hockey in a while. It gets like that a lot in the summer.

Hayden finishes his warmup and moves over to a pullup bar, grabbing some plates and a belt to add after he does a warmup set. As he settles into the soothing, repetitive up-down motion, his mind drifts back to the focused, satisfied feeling he’d gotten while researching ways to make Hollzy feel more comfortable talking about his love life. It’d worked, if not in the way he expected. 

Maybe he needs a project. Something he can direct his energy into, something to distract from the buzzing that seems ever-present under his skin right now. He and Jackie have been thinking about renovating their backyard, making it more kid-friendly. Maybe he can start making that a reality. He’s sure Shane will be happy to help out, realty freak that he is. 

Once Shane’s back from the cottage. Hayden’s not making the same mistake twice. 

------

[July 2017]

“He did all that research just for you?” His mom asks bemusedly. His dad is chuckling beside her. Shane nods emphatically.

“That’s what I said! Like, I appreciated it, it made it a lot easier to tell him—and honestly, you guys too. But I’ve never seen him so invested in something! What was I supposed to think?”

Ilya leans back in his chair. “I am surprised he even tried sports that are not hockey. Has he met you before? Would go in one ear and out the other.”

Shane shoves at his boyfriend (boyfriend, something in his mind sings giddily) gently with his shoulder. “Shut up.” He can tell it sounds altogether too fond by the knowing look his parents share across the table from them. He flushes slightly and takes another bite of his chicken parm.

Ilya nudges him back, continues: “But I am not surprised Pike was good about it. He must be number one best ally to make up for being number fifteen best player on Metros.”

Shane rolls his eyes. “He’s not even here for you to chirp.” 

Ilya spreads his hands, grandiose. “Can never take a day off, sweetheart. Will lose my skills.” Shane shoves at the hand that gets in his space. Looks up just in time to catch his mom mouth sweetheart at his dad. He can tell Ilya catches it too, judging by how his boyfriend’s cheeks pink slightly and how he brings the hand that had been engaged in a small slap fight with Shane up to hide a smile instead. That won’t do. Shane touches Ilya’s elbow, a light tug, and laces their fingers together when Ilya brings his hand down. He considers for a second, then deliberately places their joined hands on the table between them. 

Ilya ducks his head away from Shane, but Shane can see the corner of his mouth stretch wider, the pink on his cheeks deepening under the light of the setting sun. 

God, he’s beautiful. 

“So, how did Hayden even come to that conclusion?”

Shane startles slightly when his dad speaks. He’d forgotten what they had been talking about.

Ilya stifles a snort next to him. “He saw—”

“Ilya,” Shane warns.

Ilya’s faces drops into solemn innocence, though his eyes are still dancing. “A picture he should not have seen. We told you about the contact names, yes? Pike sees—ah—anatomy, he sees the name Lily, he jumps to what he thinks is obvious conclusion.” He grins, looking full of pride. “Contact names worked better than I thought.” 

“Anatomy,” Shane grumbles under his breath. Louder, he says, “he said something about Caitlyn Jenner and a tabloid article when I asked him about it. I still don’t really see how that got him there, but it worked, I guess.” He grins. “I shouldn’t laugh, but watching him fumble his way through the initial conversation took a lot of the pressure off because I was just like, what is happening right now? He said he’d wear a dress at one point!” 

He feels Ilya’s gaze sharpen on the side of his face. “Pike said that? Huh.”

Shane tilts his head toward him. “Yeah, why?” Ilya waves his free hand dismissively.

“Oh, is nothing. Pike is just more enlightened than I knew. Most guys in the league would not even joke this way.” 

Shane watches his mom tip her head, considering. “I suppose you’re right, Ilya. Maybe it’s a sign that things are changing,” she muses. “Maybe the rest of the Metros would follow suit.” 

Shane grimaces. Before he can say anything, though, his dad says, “well, no one’s expecting us to change the world of hockey tonight. Does anyone want some dessert?” He stands up, and Shane pushes himself up to help clear the table. “Shane, we got some of those smoothie popsicles. We thought Ilya might like them too.” 

Shane groans, letting himself be a little dramatic in front of his family. “We don’t have to make him eat my stupid healthy dessert, Ilya eats like a normal—”

“Ah, no,” Ilya interrupts. “I will eat smoothie popsicle. What are the flavors?”

Shane…should not feel butterflies at that. “Blueberry, strawberry banana, and chocolate raspberry.” 

Ilya tilts his head, considering Shane. “I will take chocolate raspberry. Is your least favorite, and sounds the sweetest.”

Shane blinks at Ilya. “How could you possibly know that.”

“You made a face, like…” Ilya scrunches up his face in exaggerated displeasure, then lets it drop and shrugs airily. “Was not hard.”

Shane laughs, a little incredulous, a little fond. “I don’t look like that!”

“Mm, yes you do.” Ilya points at him, faux-serious. “I am eating your least favorite so you do not have to, Hollander. Don’t argue with me.” 

His mom makes a little ahem sound. Shane blinks at where she’s returned with the box of popsicles, then down at the stack of plates still in his hands. He cringes a little internally at having gotten so wrapped up in Ilya again, but his mom just looks fond and knowing. Shane smiles at her, only a little awkward, and promptly abandons Ilya to her gaze, heading towards where his dad is loading the dishwasher. 

He and his dad work in silent tandem for a while, only interrupted by the soft clink of ceramic. When they’re almost done, his dad says, “Hayden’s got a good head on his shoulders. I’m glad you’ve got people like him in your corner.” He pauses, considering his next words. “Ilya, too.”

Shane can’t help the smile that spreads over his face. He looks out the big glass wall to where Ilya is talking animatedly to his mom, chocolate raspberry popsicle threatening to fly out of his gesticulating hand. He looks back at his dad. Makes eye contact, hoping his dad can see how much this means to him. “Thanks, Dad.”

His dad claps him on the shoulder. “Join us when you’re ready.” He walks out to join the conversation outside.

Shane watches his family laugh together, content to just take the moment to breathe.

Chapter End Notes

no hate to minnesota or the twin cities, we've got a lot of cooler stuff going for us, but the nightlife is factually dismal. at least, the clubs are. i don't think the hockey players are really itching to check out our vibrant theater community or wide variety of music venues though.

hope you enjoyed! we really liked exploring the hollander family (all four of them) dynamic.

Chapter 3

Chapter Summary

Hayden deals with with the Metros locker room, and Does Not Look at why it's making [him] uncomfortable in a way it never has before. Jackie and Shane grow worried.

Chapter Notes

[September 2017]

“Pikester, you fucking asshole, were you under Hollzy’s torture regime again this summer? You looked fucking ripped, dude!” 

Hayden flexes, makes a blue steel face. “Can’t argue with the goddamn results, Steddy. Maybe you should try it instead of playing ‘Chel all summer. You know that doesn’t actually make you better at hockey, right?”

Stedlund swears at him goodnaturedly in French, turning back to his locker. Hayden goes to grab his compression shirt and pull it on. Before he can do more than get his arms in the sleeves, Comeau lands one big hand on his head and jostles him roughly. Hayden ducks out from under it, his arms trapped, but Comeau just slings an arm around his neck instead. 

“You and Cap getting hot and sweaty all summer, huh?” He slaps Hayden’s chest and lets him go. “Maybe it’ll finally put some hair on your chests.” 

Stedlund and Schneider roar with laughter at that. Hayden pulls his shirt over his head. “Don’t be jealous if even that’s more action than you got this summer, Gills. Someone’ll take pity on your right hand eventually.” 

Comeau flips him off and Hayden turns back to his locker, heart beating a little too fast. Is this what Hollzy feels in the locker room all the time? This fucking sucks. One friendly conversation and he’s sweating like a rookie. He hopes his responses sounded normal, because he’s not even sure what normal is right now—he can’t believe he never noticed how gay all this locker room shit sounds, how fucking funny they all find even the possibility of sex with another guy. Or the slightest departure from their—stupidly rigid, Hayden’s realizing—idea of masculinity.

Jackie likes that his chest is smooth. Liked it enough to marry him as a twenty-year-old dumbass and have at least three kids with him, liked it enough to go all but Daddy I love him when her parents disapproved. And judging by the picture and the phone call—neither of which Hayden remembers, of course—it’s not hurting Hollzy’s chances, either. He lets this soothe the buzzy feeling that’s prickling over his skin. Comeau doesn’t know shit. 

------

[October 2017]

“You awake?”

“Yeah. You?”

“No.” 

Jackie hits him on the arm even as she giggles. Hayden grins and makes as if he’s gonna shove her off the bed, laughing as she yelps and clings to him. He reels her in and pulls her close, relishing the fact that Jackie still lets him pull that trick to cuddle.

Jackie shoves at his arms a bit so she can get a hand up and traces her thumb along his brow. He leans into the gentle touch. 

“What’s up, Hayd?” She murmurs. 

Hayden sighs. “I don’t know. Was thinking about Shane and Lily.” 

“What about ‘em?” Jackie doesn’t question why he’s thinking about their best friend and their best friend’s mysterious boyfriend in the middle of the night, because she’s a saint. Hayden makes a note to ask her if she’s awake for any particular reason so that she also gets her chance to spill. 

“Just…last season, when I thought Lily was trans, I was so off but so close at the same time, y’know? Makes me feel weird that I could have so many of the right pieces in the right spot and come to the wrong conclusion.” Hayden pauses, searching for the words. “Like I don’t really know him. Or, I don’t know, like I could be getting other stuff wrong.” 

“Like what, honey?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” He rolls his head back. “More just the possibility that I could, I think.” 

Jackie pushes up to look at him, brow furrowed. “About Shane? Or about something else?”

“A little bit Shane. Like, he still won’t tell us who Lily is. Is there still something that we’re missing?” He runs a hand down Jackie’s back. “But he tells us everything else about Lily now. So I’m not too worried. Mostly it’s me, I guess.”

Jackie draws back a little, face scrunching up. “You?”

Hayden’s gut rolls, just a bit. He draws her in close again, rocking her side to side gently in his embrace. “Nothing big,” he reassures her. “More like…what if the bird food diet actually would make me a better hockey player and I never gave it a chance?”

Jackie giggles. “Is it worth it, though?”

Hayden pretends to consider this. “No way. I just perfected my mom’s funeral potatoes, I’m not giving those up for hockey.” 

Jackie wrinkles her nose. “Shane might have a point. If you ate those as often as you wanted they’d have to roll you on and off the ice.” 

“You’re still mad because your mom only gave her recipe to Lizzi,” Hayden sing-songs. 

“A little, yeah.” Jackie sighs and turns over in Hayden’s arms, nestling back so they’re spooning. “Sleep now?”

“Wait, were you awake for any reason in particular? Your turn to vent if you need it.”

“Oh.” Jackie laughs softly. “It’s nothing, really. You remember when I was talking about Beth from work the other day?

“Yeah? Wait, did you figure out what was up with her weird fucking email? Is that why you’re up?” Hayden’s invested now. Figures that his wife is up because she’s solving mysteries in her off time. He wants to watch a detective show about her. 

“Yeah. So, turns out Aliyah also got a weird cryptic email, and Beth’s been weird to her in person since she started. But Beth’s super fucking old, so Aliyah thought it was just about the hijab, but with my email, now, we think there’s gotta be something else, too. And I was thinking about it when we went to bed and I realized…”

Hayden closes his eyes and pushes his face into his wife’s hair, letting the stories of her workplace sleuthing wash away anything else on his mind.

------

[November 2017]

“No way am I being seen with you in public if you wear the gayass fucking shirt you wore last time, bro.”

“It’s fashionable!”

“It’s purple. You want the girls to fuck you, not think you’re one of them.”

Next to Hayden, Shane tenses minutely then purposefully relaxes as the rookies argue their way into the locker room. Hayden’s seen him do it a million times and had mostly chalked it up to Shane’s occasional discomfort with loud noises or arguments. Now he knows there’s another layer to it, and Hayden’s right there with him—only Hayden can’t seem to make himself relax in this moment. He flexes and unflexes his fingers as Shane takes a couple steps towards the rooks, trying to release the tight feeling that’s suddenly rippling all over him. 

Shane, Captain Mode engaged, raises an eyebrow at the two rookies, who suddenly look much less confident in themselves. “Wanna try that one again?”

Berkes rolls his eyes. “I just meant—”

“I know what you meant.” Shane says, voice firm. Laine shifts in place. “Keep it out of the locker room and on the ice. Your teammates don’t need to hear that shit from you.” 

Shane looks hard at both rooks, though Hayden knows from experience that he’s probably looking at their foreheads instead of directly at their eyes. Hayden also knows from experience that that doesn’t make Hollzy’s Captain Stare any less intimidating—makes it moreso, in fact, like Shane is trying to see straight into your brain and figure out what’s wrong with you. Berkes and Laine clearly feel it, looking cowed. Shane nods once and walks away. 

Laine bristles after Shane’s gone, maybe trying to prove that he doesn’t need defending. “It’s just a fucking shirt. Cap didn’t need to make it a thing,” he mutters. 

Hayden’s finally regained control of his muscles. “Let it go, Lainey,” he warns. He claps them both on the shoulder, playing jovial to Shane’s stern. “Hollzy doesn’t give a shit about the shirt, yeah? He just wants you to save your material for the ice.” 

Laine and Berkes both nod and turn to their lockers, the matter forgotten as they immediately fall back into conversation. Hayden, on the other hand, rolls his shoulders back and grabs his water bottle, trying to rid his mouth of the bad taste the words had left. He’s said similar a million times. He needs to get a handle on whatever’s fucking with his ability to do it now.

He knows that part of it is that now he notices the way that neither he nor Shane directly called out the homophobia, neither willing to aim that inevitable blow to team cohesion. Now that he’s aware of it, he kinda hates that he doesn’t have the balls to do it for Shane, even though they both know it’d fix approximately jack and shit. 

There’s more to it, though, something that he feels like he can’t see if he looks at it directly. Berky’s words ring through his head: you want the girls to fuck you, not think you’re one of them. He feels outside of the team dynamic in a way he never has before. Like he’s constantly half a step behind, or trying to speak a language he’s no longer fluent in. 

He wonders again if this is what Shane feels, day in and day out. If it is, no wonder he works so fucking hard—Hayden feels a desperate urge to earn his spot three times over in the hopes that it’ll make this go away, that if he proves himself then everything else will click into place. 

It dogs him all through practice, making his shots aggressive and his checks brutal. More often than not he shoots wide, and his checks get him nothing but sore ribs. He hates it, and he especially hates the back pats and impressed looks he gets, hates how many teammates dismiss the fact that he’s playing like shit in favor of the fact that he almost breaks his stick two different times as he hits it against the ice or boards in frustration. Like that’s more important, somehow. 

At home, tidying up while Jackie finishes dinner, he wonders again if he’s gay. If that’s the big shadow looming over him, awoken by Shane’s own reckoning with his sexuality. He closes his eyes and does what he’s tried to prevent from ever happening: he calls both the picture and the phone call to his mind. He pictures the warm lighting, the long, lithe lines of the Mysterious Boyfriend’s body. Hears the shaky inhales that Shane couldn’t fully repress, the faint, intimately erotic noises of a blowjob that filtered over the line, the undeniable knowledge that Shane was getting blown by a man…

Nothing. He peeks an eye down at his dick, which hasn’t so much as twitched. He banishes the images from his mind again and instead calls up a memory of Jackie for scientific comparison. It’s not even particularly sexual, just her this morning fresh out of the shower, but he’s nonetheless nearly bowled over by the wave of desire rushing through his chest, the pang of want in his lungs as he pictures her curves, how she gently squeezed the water from her hair with a towel. 

Not gay, then. Not even really bisexual. It doesn’t bring the relief that he’d hoped, because it means that he still doesn’t have an answer. 

------

[November 2017]

“I don’t know, I’m just worried about him. He’s been…off, at practice, lately. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Jackie hands another dish to Shane to dry, casting a glance out the sliding door to where Hayden’s playing—or trying to play—sewer ball with Ruby and Jade, Jasper making chalk art on the patio. She sighs. “I know what you mean. It’s like he…like he’s bouncing back and forth between biting my head off for everything and doing this manic performance of fine, but he’s never actually fine.”

Shane adds the last plate to the stack he’s formed and puts them in the cupboard, nodding. “That’s it exactly. I feel like I’m watching him all the time during training, ‘cause I’m never sure which one is gonna come out. But neither of them are really good.” 

Jackie frowns. “I know. God, I know I’m probably making it worse by hovering, but he won’t tell me what’s wrong. I don’t know what to fucking do!” 

“Swear jar,” Shane says gently, more like a reminder to breathe than a reprimand. Jackie takes it, exhaling forcefully and shaking her shoulders out. 

She looks out at the yard again. “And then sometimes I feel like I’m making it all up, you know? Like, he’s completely normal with the kids. Hasn’t snapped at them once. I keep waiting for him to do something where I can be, like, okay, something’s clearly wrong and we need to have a more serious conversation. But then he’ll bounce back in to—” she puts on a pained, rictus grin and speaks through her teeth. “everything’s fine babe why do you ask? and I just get whiplash.” 

Shane looks too, grinning slightly at Hayden now dogpiled under all three kids and clearly loving it. “My partner said that all we can do is show that we’re there for him and wait for him to come to us. It’s hard, though.”

Jackie nudges him gently with her shoulder, hands him the last dish. “Your partner, huh. Where’d he get so wise?”

Shane chuckles. “I asked that, too. He said years of dealing with my panic attacks made him an expert, ‘cause he’s an asshole. But, uh, I think an outside perspective helps too, y’know? We’re too close to Hayden to see this properly.”

Jackie sighs, drying her hands on the towel Shane hands her. She leans into him again, this time staying against his side. “Hate that.”

Shane leans in as well. “Yeah, me too.”

They watch the scene outside, the kids now playing a clumsy keepaway from Hayden as Hayden dramatically lurches at half-speed towards the ball. Jackie smiles, a little helplessly. She’s struck suddenly by the thought that there’s very little she wouldn’t do for this man. Very little she wouldn’t want to do, wouldn’t do willingly with a smile on her face if it meant she could have this every day of her life. 

She pushes away from the counter and grins at Shane. “I noticed that we still don’t even know what Lily looks like.” She pauses. “Or, well, I don’t. Hayden knows a little, I guess. Just not his face!”

Shane groans, muttering don’t remind me under his breath. Jackie continues on like he hasn’t spoken.

“When do we get to meet him? Je veux rencontrer le mec qui fait que ton visage soit si fin, huh?”

Shane blushes, making the exact lovesick face she’d been thinking of. “Tu pourrais changer d'avis si je te dis qui c'est.”

Jackie gasps, kicks him lightly on the shin. “Hayden said you told him Lily was well known. C’est vrai?” 

Shane grins, but it looks a little uncertain. “Tu le connaîtrais certainement.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “It’s gonna change how you look at me.”

Jackie tries to protest, but Shane just shakes his head. “It is. And I’m not ready for that yet. I gotta work up to it for a bit, okay?”

Jackie sighs. “D’accord. Soon, yeah?”

“Je le promets.”

Chapter End Notes

Je veux rencontrer le mec qui fait que ton visage soit si fin: I want to meet the guy who makes your face look so sweet

Tu pourrais changer d'avis si je te dis qui c'est: You might change your mind if I tell you who it is.

C’est vrai: It's true?

Tu le connaîtrais certainement: You would definitely know him

D'accord: Okay

Je le promets: I promise

---
Hope the Quebecois sounds okay! I did my best with online resources.

I know that the prevailing read is that even the straightest version of Hayden is at least a little in love with Shane, but for this, it's a) funny and b) a little devastating to have [him] almost wish that [he] was attracted to Shane because it's easier for [him] to process than the truth.

Also interesting to explore what Shane is like as a captain! There'll be more of this in the future, but I think Shane's the type of leader that is respected almost because he leaves them no choice. It's not necessarily that the respect is begrudging, or that anyone would disrespect him if he weren't captain, moreso...they listen to him because he's right and he's in charge, not because they like him. It's a very tenuous power--they follow him because he's leading them where they want to go, but if the believe that he's no longer doing that, then they stop following him very quickly. There's no trust. It's one more way Shane has to be in control of how people see him all the time. This makes him a very no-nonsense, straight-man captain, which just reinforces the way people see him. Lovely little self-fulfilling prophecy we've trapped ourselves in.

Thanks for reading!

Chapter 4

Chapter Summary

The dominoes are starting to fall.

Hayden would very much like the dominoes to stand themselves back up, please. If it's not too much trouble.

Chapter Notes

to the person who commented on every chapter today and said they were rubbing their hands together like a fly waiting for the next one: i love you. have the next one. mwah.

NOTE: pronouns start to switch up in this chapter. every switch is intentional. gotta keep an eye on pronouns, they're slippery buggers.

[December 2017]

Ilya picks up the phone to a long, wordless groan filtering over the line before he can say anything. He smiles. “Hello to you too. What’s the matter? You sound like a balloon.”

“A balloon?” Shane sounds indignant.

“Yeah, you know, like…” Ilya lets air out through his teeth to make a whistling noise, not unlike a leaky balloon. “Like someone poked holes in you.” 

Shane huffs softly, and Ilya can hear rustling in the background, like Shane’s getting comfortable. “Not a bad description for how I feel, actually.” 

Ilya shifts too, leaning back against the arm of his couch. “Tell me about it,” he requests.

“Hayden’s not getting better.” Shane’s voice sounds tight. “He still won’t tell me or Jackie what’s wrong. I know you said wait, but—fuck, Ilya, I’m fucking worried. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“If he is anything like you, or me, or any other hockey player, pushing will only make him…ah, clam up, yes?” Ilya considers for a moment. “But we are maybe not known for our vulnerability, either. So little push is maybe needed. You said he gets irritable, but not all the time, yes? Kind of random?”

“Yeah,” Shane confirms. “Happens a lot during training.”

“Ah, you have already started answering what I want to ask. I want to know patterns. If we see connections, maybe we see which direction to push.”

Shane sounds a little awed when he speaks. “I love you so much. Jesus Christ, you’re so smart.”

Ilya is glad they are not on facetime right now, because he would be so very sad when Shane got thrown in the gulag for exposing Mother Russia’s deepest secret: that her children can and do blush. Maybe he could give an impassioned defense on Shane’s behalf, challenging anyone who hears him not to blush when a gorgeous man says such sweet things. He imagines a bunch of bureaucrats all nodding thoughtfully at each other and letting Shane go so that Shane can run towards him and leap into his arms. It does not help his blush.

Oh, Shane is still speaking. Ilya refocuses on the conversation at hand. 

“It happens mostly in the locker room or the gym, not so much on the ice, I think. Or, at least, it seems like it’s easier for him to shake it off on the ice.” Shane pauses, and Ilya waits, because it doesn’t sound like Shane’s done, just thinking. “I think it happens a lot after someone says something gross. Like, homophobic. Or misogynistic. He kinda reminds me of when I was younger and couldn’t let that shit roll off me as well. He gets all tense right after and then he starts getting snappy not long after that. Or sometimes he just goes quiet. That’s the fucking worst, Ilya, it’s like he’s not even in his body.”

Huh. Ilya files these away next to the rest of his knowledge on Hayden Pike, which is starting to take on an interesting shape. It’s still too vague to name, though, still a lot to rule out. “Do you think…maybe he might be gay? Maybe you coming out makes him see something he does not want to see.”

“No. I mean, I would’ve noticed if he was.” Shane sounds immediately dismissive.

Ilya tries and fails to grab the little chuckle on its way out. “You?”

“Yeah, me, asshole. I’m gayer than you are.” Shane’s voice is genuinely annoyed, which is how Ilya knows he has a big old fond grin taking up his entire face. “Just because you think your gaydar for players is god-given—”

“Ah, but I am usually doing something stupid like looking around in lockers and gyms to see who looks back,” Ilya interrupts. “This, I cannot picture you doing, moy dorogoy.” 

“Can’t be too stupid.” Shane’s tone grows coy. “Worked on me.” 

Ilya laughs, delighted. “This is true.” He sobers a little. “I think…what if you do like he did for you? Little hints or helps, yes? You don’t know why the locker talk bothers him, but you know that it does. Maybe you shut it down harder, maybe you just…commiserate, yes? Show him you notice he is bothered and you want to fix.” 

Shane considers this. “Like how even though Hayden misunderstood, it still made it easier to tell him because he showed that he was an ally.”

Ilya nods, even though Shane can’t see him. “Yes. What did your dad call it? Wrong formula, right answer. You have the what. The why does not matter so much.”

Shane sighs, sounding much better than at the start of the call. Like he’s melting into the most comfortable shape, instead of losing energy faster than he can replace it. “I’ll try that. It might even be easier to call that shit out if I’m doing it for him instead of myself.” Shane’s voice is soft and Ilya lets it wrap around him. “Thank you, Ilyushenka.”

He swallows hard against the unexpected bolt of want and longing that sends through him. “You have been practicing your Russian diminutives? Enough about Pike. Tell me what you are wearing,” he demands, infusing his voice with playful command.

Ilya can hear his boyfriend roll his eyes, and it only increases his desire. “My god, Ilya. Don’t you ever take a day off?” 

Ilya’s phone beeps with a facetime request even as Shane speaks, and he grins. Showing works too, he is not picky. “Ah-ah,” he warns. “Is not my name.”

Shane’s beautiful face fills his screen, his eyes dark. “Ilyushenka,” he practically purrs, grinning at whatever he sees on Ilya’s face. Probably drool, since Ilya can’t seem to close his mouth.

Fuck, he loves this man.

-------

[January 2018]

The only reason that Hayden is willing to risk his stupid, probably-transphobic idea is because Shane is out on injury from a hit to the ribs. He’s alone in the hotel and it’s not because Shane is necking it with his boyfriend, to be back by curfew even now that he’ll admit to the boyfriend’s existence. 

Not that Hayden’s had many of those opportunities lately, either. Shane seems determined to leave him alone as little as possible. It’s not like Hayden’s gonna jump off a bridge.

Hayden needs to stop thinking about Shane right now.

He is, in fact, well and truly alone.

He looks at the probably rabid and incredibly dangerous bag of women’s clothing that he got from a mostly not-seedy thrift store in Seattle. 

If Hayden were a betting man—person—man, he would bet that people who frequent thrift stores and people who are big enough hockey fans to recognize him on the street did not have a lot of overlap between them. It’s not often that he’s thankful that his face doesn’t have the draw that Shane’s does. 

His heart is racing, he notes distantly. His heart is racing not unlike the feeling of sitting on the bench during an OT playoff game, a whirlwind of directionless adrenaline that makes him feel helpless and fit to burst. It kinda kicks him into gear, actually—he’s a fucking hockey player, he doesn’t need to be throwing a bitchfit over a bag of clothes. 

He throws the outfit on with his jaw set, refusing to look down. Walks into the bathroom. Takes a deep breath. Flips on the light.

The skirt is long, deep green, with flowers embroidered on the hem. The waist is tight, puckering a little around his torso as the fabric stretches in ways it’s not made to do. But the skirt is flowy, with the folds and heft to it that Ruby and Jade would call twirly. He can imagine how it would flare out if he spun, can imagine how excited his daughters would be to wear something like this. He swallows hard and puts the thought of his daughters out of his mind. The shirt—blouse, really—is equally flowy and a slightly sheer dark green that Jackie would probably like. He puts the thought of Jackie out of his mind too.

Looking down is dizzying. Looking back in the mirror grounds him, brings him back to reality. Man’s face, man’s haircut, stubble. This is what makes sense. It doesn’t feel great, but it’s real and solid and doesn’t feel like a dizzy-making, gravity-missing freefall. 

Maybe it’s a different person staring back. That person, she wears women’s clothing and it’s good—it’s right. She maybe knows how to put on makeup in that instinctive way that women just know things. She loves women? She has a wife, which means that she’s a lesbian. Her children are the light of her life. 

This woman does not beat up men in a game to make money. Maybe she bypassed hockey altogether—maybe she became a figure skater. Maybe she had wanted that as a kid and hockey had just been a consolation prize at first. Maybe this woman had been able to stick to what had made her first love the ice.

Fuck.

She can feel that freefall again, and she knows with absolute certainty that the only way it ends is in a hard fucking landing.

-------

He skips the room trash can, shoves the whole outfit in its environmentally-sustainable tote bag and tosses it in the dumpster outside the hotel. He looks up at the hotel, imagines going back up to his room with the woman lingering in the mirror, her sad eyes staring out of his face. He turns to find the nearest bar instead. She’ll be easier to deal with after a drink or two. 

------

[January 2018]

She watches The Danish Girl again. Alone. Jackie’s on a girls’ trip, the twins are at a slumber party, and Jasper’s at his grandparents’ house. She sits on the floor in front of the downstairs TV, head leaned back against the soft sectional and legs loosely bent in front of her, elbows resting on top. She leaves the lights off. The TV glows in the darkness.

She tries to drink in every detail, tries to see if there’s something of her in Eddie Redmayne’s made-up face. Looks for any sign she can use to say see, that’s not me. My thing could still be something else.

There aren’t many. 

Her hands tremble as she watches Lili—and isn’t that a fucking trip—argue and make up with her wife, watches her waver back and forth between boldly calling herself a woman and insisting that the whole thing is one big joke, watches her touch the soft, feminine clothes with such hesitation that it looks like she’s never wanted anything more in her life. Hayden squeezes her hands together hard against the cold pricking at her fingertips.

She watches Lili commit to changing her body, watches her leave her wife behind to do so—body and wife, the two pieces of her life Hayden has always relied on to be consistent, a steadfast foundation that no chaos can uproot. She has to swallow down stomach acid when she realizes that she’s directly comparing her life to Lili’s. 

She watches Lili die. 

She watches Lili die, and her stomach fucking heaves at the helpless grief on Gerta’s face, even as Lili dies with a smile. She’s scrambling off the floor and into the bathroom before she realizes she’s moving—and just in time. 

The mirror above the sink is big, and she can see the unpaused movie in it as she sits back and wipes bile off her face. Nausea rolls through her again as she watches Greta watch Lili’s scarf flutter away, but she doesn’t have anything left in her stomach. She’d hated that moment the first time they watched the movie—had complained to Jackie that she couldn’t believe Greta would just let Lili go like that. Jackie had laughed softly, saying that she liked it because it meant Lili was free. Hayden remembers her stomach twisting slightly at that, even back then.

She doesn’t want to die to be free.

------

[March 2018]

Shane might be the first gay person that Hayden has ever been close friends with.

Despite this, Shane is fucking useless. 

Hayden limits his needling to hotel rooms on the road, games that are too far for Jackie to attend. He can’t bring it up if she’s too close; the mere idea of her proximity enough to have him choking on the words. So:

1. Away game.
1. Not Boston.
2. Jackie’s not there.
3. Stays in the hotel room, never in public.
2. Rooming with Shane. 
1. Shane is in a good mood (slightly harder with the no Boston caveat, but he’s also more likely to be in the fucking room if they’re not in Boston). 
3. Has to be after the game.
4. They can win or lose, but neither can be by more than two points. 

And those are just Hayden’s rules. Shane has his own set of mostly-incomprehensible patterns on whether he’ll actually answer any of Hayden’s questions. 

More than that, though, Shane is useless because Shane had to get told he was gay. 

One sentence at a time, over several games, Hayden manages to glean that being with a woman was “worse,” that being with a man did not feel like wanting to be a girl, and Shane knows he’s gay because he feels gay, not just because he likes/does gay things. 

Useless. 

A message from Jackie pops up, while he and Shane are chilling before their game with San Francisco, videos from the twins’ dance recital with a caption saying she hopes they make up for having to miss it and asking how he’s doing. Hayden ignores this to deal with when he can pull together a better response than everything fucking sucks and I want to quit hockey. 

The solution to this problem—thrifted women’s clothes and makeup from the bag deep in her suitcase—has it own set of rules, nearly opposite to the ones for asking Shane gay questions. No possibility that Shane is anywhere in the vicinity; has to be before a game so that she has enough time to buy the outfit, wear it, and donate it to a different thrift store without ever leaving the clothes in the room for someone to find; can’t buy from the same store twice in a row, even if there’s weeks in between. 

The solution to this problem is currently blocked by a 5’11 star center who’s watching him as Hayden throws his phone down with a huff, concern evident in his big fucking eyes. Hayden huffs again for good measure, then pulls up a smile from somewhere.

He says, “man, I’m fucking bored. You wanna check out that restaurant Miity was talking about?”

Shane hesitates. Oh, duh. He grabs his phone again and pulls up his photos.

“Hang on, I checked out the menu. It looks good to me, but lemme know what you think.”

Shane always looks a little surprised when Hayden does something like this, even though they’ve been friends for almost ten fucking years. He takes the phone. “Thanks, Hayd.”

Shane looks the menu over, nods. They make their way out to the street and start walking towards the restaurant. 

On the way, they pass the thrift store Hayden hadn’t been able to stop himself from looking up, on the miraculous off-chance that Shane was busy all day. Hayden resolutely turns his face away, squinting into the California sun and forcing everything from his mind but Shane’s shop talk chatter next to him. 

------

[March 2018]

Jane: It’s changed something, at least. He won’t stop asking me questions about us, about how I knew I was gay. Maybe you were right.

Lily: hm

Jane: “Hm” what? What “hm?”

Lily: is nothing really

Lily: but now i am not thinking so anymore

Lily: he loves his wife too much, has too many kids

Jane: Three, for the record.

Lily: 4, you tell me last week that Jackie is pregnant 

Lily: but anyways pike does not have

Lily: hm

Lily: swagger?

Lily: no

Lily: charm, he does not have the charm to be bisexual

Jane: I’m not sure I would call what you do “charm.”

Lily: do not flirt with me hollander. is distracting

Jane: I’m not flirting, asshole

Lily: mm and now he calls me asshole too

Lily: stop, shanya, i will blush

Jane: Whatever. What do you think is going on with Hayden then?

Lily: i don’t know

Lily: or, i have theories

Lily: but they are too thin to support me. too much to say out loud

Jane: Me too. Fuck, this is a lot. 

Jane: It would be a little funny though. If

Jane: You know

Lily: yes

Lily: is big if though

Jane: Yeah

Jane: fuck

Chapter End Notes

moy dorogoy: my dear

--
have a convo from last week that made me laugh

vivit: it's really funny to me that your online pseudonym is jane

jane: wdym

vivit: bestie

jane: ????

vivit: LILY AND JANE

jane: IM DUMB

--
this chapter is just ilya+shane being cute and flirty while hayden has air raid sirens playing in [his] head 24/7. sorry buddy! it will not get better for a long time tho!

Chapter 5

Chapter Summary

Shane is a good friend.

Chapter Notes

[March 2018]

Hayden has been stopping and starting what Shane assumes is another question about Lily all night. He didn’t go out with the rest of the team—has been going out less and less, in fact. Given that he already called out regularly in favor of talking to Jackie and the kids, he now goes out about as often as Shane does. It’s put a bit of a damper on Shane’s sex life, honestly.

Mostly, though, he’s just worried about Hayden. 

After the fifth sharp inhale peters out, Shane decides he’s had enough. He sits up and plants his legs on the ground so he can face Hayden’s bed. Hayden stays resolutely facing the ceiling.

Shane aims for gentle, but not too gentle. “Dude, whatever it is, you can ask. I’ll do my best to answer.” 

Hayden inhales sharply again as Shane starts speaking, only this one doesn’t die in his throat. His breathing picks up and he rockets upwards to sit facing Shane, looking on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Oh—shit, Hayden, breathe—” Shane moves to sit next to him, trying to remember what people have done for him on the rare occasion that it gets this bad. He tries to exaggerate his breathing so Hayden can follow it. 

Hayden shakes his head frantically, gulping down air. “‘mnotadudeanymore,” he gasps out. 

Shane takes a second to parse out real words. Hayden, who had been blow-over-with-a-breath tense, collapses inwards as if cut down from puppet strings. At least Shane can feel their breaths syncing up. 

I’m not a dude anymore. Oh, fuck. He and Ilya had been right. 

He doesn’t think, just moves on instinct, standing up and pulling Hayden into the tightest bear hug he can manage. He holds—her, probably—as she shakes, rocking them both back and forth.

“It might—be nothing. Don’t—don’t tell anyone,” Hayden gets out between hiccuping inhales.

“Hey, no.” Shane pulls back just enough to nudge her arms up to hold him back, and puts a hand on the back of her head to clutch her close again. “I’m glad you told me, okay? I’m glad you trusted me.” 

Hayden makes a move that might be a nod into Shane’s shoulder, short and jerky. 

“And I’m not gonna tell anyone unless you tell me I can. You’re driving, here. One hundred percent your show.”

He can feel her relax incrementally at that, so he decides to press his luck a little. 

“I promise you—hey,” he shakes her a little when he feels her tense again. “I promise you I’m gonna make sure that telling me is better than keeping it inside, okay? I can help. I’ve got you, Hayd. You know that.”

Hayden collapses into Shane at that, knees nearly buckling. It takes a considerable amount of Shane’s strength and reflexes, but he stays firmly planted under his best friend’s weight, refusing to so much as stumble. He murmurs soothing nonsense into her hair, not even sure what he’s saying as it comes out of his mouth. He thinks that a good chunk of it is in French as he pulls up memories of his dad’s parents doing the same to him, but he’s pretty sure Hayden isn’t really processing it either way. 

Finally, Hayden takes a deep, shuddering breath and lifts her head. She shuffles back to sit on the edge of the bed, rubbing her thumb on the palm of her other hand with a faraway look in her eyes. Shane sits down next to her.

“So,” Shane starts, trying to figure out how to ask his questions the right way. “When you say you’re not a dude anymore, that means you’re a woman. Do I have that right?”

Hayden looks at him, her mouth parted slightly. “Yeah. I mean, I think so. I think I feel like one.”

Shane nudges her gently. “You’re the one who did all the research. If you feel like a woman, you are a woman, yeah?”

Hayden looks down at her lap, inhaling shakily. She doesn’t answer.

Shane has an idea. He’s not sure if it’ll go over well, but it’s the best he’s got. He looks out to the space in front of them like he’s talking to a third party. 

“This is Hayden. She’s my best friend, she’s my rock on and off the ice. She and her family have been so welcoming to me, I really don’t know what I would’ve done if she hadn’t invited me over the first time.” He chances a look at Hayden. “Oh, and she’s a woman.”

At the first pronoun, Hayden’s head had whipped up and she stares at Shane, her eyes big and her mouth pressed tightly together. When he finishes, she blinks rapidly and breaks eye contact to scrub the heels of her hands roughly over her eyes. 

“Fuck.” Her voice is thick, the word sounding like it scrapes her throat on the way out.

“That bad?” He has a feeling it’s not.

“Thank you,” she says, full of emotion. “God, I might throw up.”

Shane blinks in alarm. “Please don’t,” he says, scanning for a trash can. Hayden chuckles wetly. 

“I’m good, Hollzy, promise.”

Shane scoots to recline against the headboard, Hayden following his lead. They sit in silence together for a minute, just breathing.

“Does Jackie know?” Shane asks eventually.

Hayden snorts, a sharp sound that makes Shane tense. “Fuck no.”

“Okay.” Shane does his best to make his voice sound neutral, trying to sound like he’s neither judging her nor agreeing that Jackie shouldn’t know. “Can I ask why?”

“Are you joking?” Hayden looks hard at the other side of the room. “What am I supposed to say to her? Sorry, your husband’s a woman. Please let me see the kids still?”

Shane doesn’t know what to say to that. He’d like to reassure Hayden that Jackie would never divorce her or keep her from their kids, but he’s only mostly sure of that himself and he doesn’t want Hayden to feel like he’s placating her.

Fuck, he wishes Ilya could help him with this.

Actually…

“Hey. You can say no, obviously, but I want to ask something that I think could help.” 

Hayden tips her head in his direction to show she’s listening, but doesn’t look at him.

“I want to tell my partner.” He can see her start to shake her head, already dismissing the idea, but he barrels on before she can speak. “For me, every new person who learned about us was a weight off my shoulders, even though it’s been terrifying every time. If I tell my partner, that’s someone in your corner that you know won’t tell anyone and you know won’t look at you any differently, since he doesn’t know you now.”

Shane justifies that it’s not even technically a lie, since Ilya only knows Hayden Pike the hockey player and not Hayden the person. Which, as Shane has discovered tonight, may have a bigger gap between them than expected.

He nudges her shoulder again and lets them stay pressed together. “It’s a win-win for you, okay? Someone who knows and supports you, but I’ll do all the work.”

Hayden blows out a breath that could conceivably be a laugh and looks up at the ceiling. “Fuck. Okay, do it.” She looks at him. “Later, though. Not while I’m here.”

“You got it. Hey,” he makes eye contact with her, which is maybe the third time over the course of this conversation. He thinks that might be a record for him. “I’m proud of you.”

Hayden laughs, sounding choked up again. “Fuck off, Hollzy.”

“No way. Love you, Hayd.”

She stands, stretching her arms over her head. “Love you too, Shaney. ‘M gonna go take a shower, okay? I feel gross.” 

“Smart.” He watches her grab her stuff and shuffle into the bathroom, pulling her softly worn t-shirt off as she does. 

He can’t be completely sure, but he thinks that some of the weight that’s been pressing her shoulders down lately has lifted. 

------

[April 2018]

Lily: contract with ottawa is finalized

Jane: Wanna call?

Facetime video: Jane?

Ilya hits the green button again to confirm and lifts the phone to see it better, scooting down a little on the bed so he can prop his arm on his bent leg. Shane’s face pops up almost immediately, looking similarly comfortable in bed. 

He’s wearing his glasses, Ilya notes, sending whatever Ilya had been about to say out of his head. Shane rolls his eyes, probably seeing how Ilya’s teeth immediately dig into his lower lip. It’s devastating behind the glasses. 

“I’ll take them off,” Shane threatens.

Ilya affects offense, placing a hand delicately on his sternum. He grins internally when he sees Shane’s gaze drop slightly to eye his shirtless chest. “No hello for your beloved? Only cruel and unusual punishments? Ah, you hate me, you wish your lover to die.” He flings the hand up to his forehead. 

Shane raises an eyebrow over his glasses. The effect makes Ilya feel like a naughty student. “Lover, huh? You must really want me to take them off.” He moves to pull his glasses down.

Ilya scrambles to sit up a little. “No, Shanya, I will be good.”

Shane smirks and puts his hand down. “How’d it go?”

Ilya shrugs. “Fine. I think it is finally becoming real for my team. Marly and Caramel looked like they would be bawling if they were not big, strong hockey men. I tell them it is okay to weep for me, but also that I am only in fucking Ottawa, not Brazil. They will not miss my pretty face too much.”

Shane squints. “Caramel?”

Ilya laughs softly. “Carmichael. Is also because he introduced me to caramel corn. Is sweet and salty, just like you.” He grins. “My favorite away game snack, also just like you.”

Shane throws his head back with a groan. “One track mind.” He doesn’t look like he minds too much.

Ilya waves the insult off. “Enough about boring contracts, I don’t want to talk about boring contracts. I know you don’t want to hear about how much money Boston offered me to stay. You want to tell me something.” 

Shane immediately stops fidgeting, looking caught out. “I want to hear how you feel,” he protests. He furrows his brow. “Wait, how much money did they offer you?”

Ilya suppresses a sigh that he knows would come out much more lovesick than exasperated. “Hollander. Just tell me.”

Shane’s face grows serious. “Hayden came out to me.”

Ilya stills. “As…”

“As a woman. We were right.” Shane looks miserable. “He—fuck. She’s fucking terrified. And I don’t know what the fuck to do about any of this, I know like three gay people total and you’re one of them.” 

Ilya pauses. “Does she know you are telling me?” 

“Yeah. I didn’t tell her who you are, but I thought it would help her. And me, because I keep calling her he in my head and you’re the only person I can practice out loud with.”

Ilya nods, thinks this over. “We can do this. I am curious, also—you called her Hayden still. Does she have new name?”

Shane starts to shake his head, then stops and looks thoughtful. “I didn’t even think to ask. I doubt it, though, it kinda seemed like she’s trying not to think about this as much as possible.”

“I am guessing she has not talked about any other steps, then, yes? Like, ah,” he snaps his fingers, trying to remember the word in English. “Hormones?”

Shane shakes his head, looking mystified. “How do you know all this stuff, anyways?”

Ilya holds up a finger. “Gimme a minute.”

He swipes out of the fullscreen, Shane’s bewildered face lingering in the corner, and taps into WhatsApp. He pulls up the Cyrillic keyboard.

Lyulik: can i tell my jane you’re a self made woman

Lyulik: you already know he can be discreet

Svetik: self-made woman, you’re such a dork

Lyulik: ))))

Svetik: sure, why?

Lyulik: relevant to our conversation

Lyulik: he wants to know how i’m so fabulous and knowledgeable while he’s a

Lyulik: what’s the english term

Lyulik: “baby gay”

Svetik: i taught you that one too, loser

Lyulik: goodbye sveta my beloved is waiting

He taps the video into fullscreen again. “Sorry, I had to check I am okay to share. You remember my friend, Svetlana?”

Shane’s tone and face are flat. “Yes.” 

Ilya snickers at his transparency, privately thrills at someone caring so much as to be possessive like this. “I am telling you will like her if you meet her. You can be terrifying hockey demons together.” 

Shane looks indignant. “It’s not her I have a problem with, I’m sure she’s perfectly lovely! You, on the other hand, keep using your poor best friend to make me jealous,” he sniffs. 

Ilya blows a raspberry. “Details. Anyways, she is…transgender, is the word, yes? I learned from her.” 

Shane blinks a couple times in surprise. “Oh. Huh, I guess I thought…”

Ilya raises an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“Oh, nothing about her, or you guys,” Shane rushes to say. “Just that—I mean, we’ve talked about Russia not being great about this stuff.”

Ilya tips his head to concede the point. “She lived here full-time until she was twelve, and she was lucky,” he says. “She figured it out young, maybe eleven? Her parents had been very private about her already. And her mama was very smart and brave, got her everything she needed and threatened her father to—get his name dirty?”

“Drag it through the mud?” Shane offers.

“Yes, that. She says, you want to be Sport Minister one day, I know everything about you, good luck being anything but trash man if you ever say something about a son again. So he pretends he has only ever had daughter when they are in Russia, they bribe right people for documents, and boom, Sveta is self-made woman. She has been in tricky spots, but,” he shrugs. “Mostly people see what they are wanting to see.” 

Shane looks impressed. “Wow.” He tilts his head, and his gaze goes first calculating, then terribly soft and understanding. “Wait, did you guys meet when you were twelve?”

Ilya has to look away from that gaze. “Yes. Was right after. She and Sasha—my coach’s son—are probably only reason I am here right now,” he admits. He clears his throat. “Anyways. I can help you and Pike out because of this, and if I am not knowing an answer I will ask Sveta. She will not ask questions if I say not to.”

Shane sighs, looking relieved. “Thank you, Ilyusha. I’ve been, like, freaking out since she told me. I think I handled it okay right afterwards, but I’ve had no idea where to go next, you know?”

Ilya realizes he needs to stop ignoring the flutters that go through him when Shane uses a diminutive, because they don’t seem to be going away anytime soon. He smiles, eternally soft for this man. “We figure it out together, yes?”

Shane smiles back. “Always.”

Chapter End Notes

don't ask me if this is a realistic time for the contract to be finalized/what that process would look like. i have done. so much research already and i do not care. hockey is fun gay people are fun contract negotiation is NOT

anyways hayden comes out and immediately regrets it and it's only due to shane turning the I Will Strong Arm You Into Friendship beam back on her that she doesn't succeed in walking it back. she was ready to straight up go "never mind" *peace sign*

edit: wow the outpouring of love for trans!sveta is incredible!! i honestly debated whether to keep that in because i wasn't sure if people would think it was unrealistic, but i ultimately went no, trans people are surviving, living, and thriving in the same conditions any other person can be faced with, and i'm gonna commit to that. it's important to me to show that--just like for hayden in pro hockey--just because an environment has made itself dangerous for certain people, it doesn't mean that type of people stops existing there. if a trans person finds themselves in the circumstances that hayden or sveta are in, they can still find a way to have a safe, happy life.

Chapter 6

Chapter Summary

Right now, hockey is both the only thing keeping Shane going and something he’s really fucking tired of.

Or: season is ending. Hayden needs to get some things off her chest.

Chapter Notes

Hello! Rare note at the start here because we have some housekeeping stuff:

1) posting early because today is my (vivit's) birthday! lil treat for all yall (and for me).

2) also posting early because there will be two weeks before we start uploading the next work in this series rather than one, to give us some time to build up more of a backlog. but we will return to weekly updates once we start! and it'll be quite a bit longer than this one as well.

3) in case it hasn't been completely clear, every texting conversation has the person's name set as what it would be in the other person's phone. yes, shane has hayden as h. pike (metros) because he's a dork. i also had my entire family as their government names for years until a friend got a hold of my phone and changed that, so i feel qualified to say that shane would do something similar.

4) this chapter ends on a cliffhanger. i don't want to cheapen its impact, but just remember that this is far from the end! we still have a lot of story left to tell.

EDIT: providing_leverage shouted me out on the most recent chapter of their fic not a wife, or a girlfriend, but a secret third thing which is one of my favorite hr fics so i'm returning the favor!! thank you for the birthday wishes!

that's all for now folks, we will see you in two weeks (or in the comments). enjoy!

[April 2018]

“Pike, what the fuck? You shaved?”

Shane winces, but tries not to look at Hayden as she enters the locker room, not wanting to add to the attention she’s getting. 

“Fuck off,” Hayden says shortly, shouldering past everyone to her locker.

“You on your fuckin’ period too? Jesus,” Comeau snorts. “Fuckin’ concerned about you, man, where the hell is your beard?” 

“He left Jackie at home,” Stedlund calls. 

Shane lifts his head. “Don’t say that shit in my locker room. Anyone who’s not here to defend themselves is off-limits,” he reminds.

Drapeau groans, long and exaggerated. “Christ, Hollywood, way to ruin the fuckin’ fun. You knew about this, I’m guessing? You and Pikester gonna be beardless buddies together?”

God, Shane’s fucking tired of that bit. He can grow a goddamn beard. They’ve seen him grow a beard, when he was younger and peer pressure won out more often over the sensory nightmare. He figures that as captain and the damn backbone of this team, it’s his fuckin’ right to forgo it now, having proven that it didn’t make a difference for him. Two Cups and a good handful of deep playoff runs—none of which saw him with a beard—should be plenty.

Hayden glares. “I don’t wanna hear shit from you and your wannabe chin hairs, Patty. Jackie hates beard burn and it’s not gonna make a fucking difference this year anyways.”

Comeau and Drapeau stare at her in disbelief while Stedlund mimics a whip cracking in the background. Shane thinks back to all the times they’ve heard Hayden brag about how much Jackie likes a playoff beard, and how Jackie’s never denied it. 

“Are you serious?” Comeau demands. “Your wife’s not on the goddamn team, is she? And don’t fucking jinx us, asshole.”

Shane can see Hayden dressing in smooth, too-controlled movements, staring resolutely into her locker. She looks gray. 

Drapeau looks at Shane. “Cap, you gotta help us hide his fucking razor, man, This is bullshit.”

Schneider snickers. “Hollywood, in case you don’t know what a razor looks like—”

“He must have one to shave his legs!” Stedlund chimes in, and both he and Schneider bust up laughing. 

Shane raises an eyebrow. “Glad to hear you’re all so concerned about our playoff chances. Because from where I’m standing, your alternate captain,” he emphasizes, “is right, we don’t stand a chance of making it past the first round with you assholes playing as lousy as you have been.”

He looks hard around the room. “If you’re concerned, though, I can change up what we’re doing today, make sure we’re prepared. Maybe trade off bag skates and Rozanov drills. Is that what you want?”

The locker room is silent. No one makes eye contact with him, though he gets a few head shakes and Laine is brave enough to pipe up with a “no, Cap,” before subsiding.

“Then knock it the fuck off.”

He gets more responses to that, a lot of “yes Cap” and “sorry, Cap” as players file out of the locker room. Only JJ even looks in his direction, clapping both him and Hayden on the shoulder on his way past. Shane also clocks more than one dirty look, and knows he hasn’t so much resolved the issue as he has forced them to bottle up their frustration for now. 

He already feels exhausted thinking about how much worse it’s gonna get when they don’t, in fact, make it far in the playoffs.

As much as he hates what the term has become a euphemism for, his hockey IQ has yet to fail him—he knows that this is not gonna be the Metros’ year. He’s gonna fight like hell to the bitter end, because he wouldn’t be who he is if he didn’t, but he predicts that at most they’ll get knocked out in round two. They’ve only got a wildcard slot this year, both Miity and Beaulier are out on LTIR, and he knows that he and Hayden look more like they’ve been dragged to the finish line than anything. 

Right now, hockey is both the only thing keeping him going and something he’s really fucking tired of.

Fuck, he misses Ilya. 

------

[May 2018]

“Fucking hell, Shane, why can’t it be enough that I told you?” Hayden runs her hands through her hair, recently cut shorter than Shane’s ever seen her wear it. She seems to falter when she reaches the end of it quicker than she expects, and links her hands behind her neck to smooth the stumble over. Her face looks wary and frustrated.

Shane bristles, palming the little bottle of clear nail polish he’d been holding out. He rolls his shoulders back, trying not to let his own frustration come out in his tone. “I thought it might help. My partner—”

“Oh my god, your partner and his mythical trans best friend. They’re not here, Shane. They’re not in my situation.” She glares at him, her eyes dead. “Maybe it’s time we face that their advice can’t do jack for me.”

“Maybe if you—” he bites back the retort on his tongue.

“What.”

Shane shakes his head. 

“Maybe if I what, Shane.” Her voice is low. Icy.

“Maybe if you actually tried any of it, it would do something!” As soon as the words are out, he feels his shoulders slump. “Fuck. Sorry. I’m sorry.”

Hayden opens her mouth, still looking incensed, but Shane raises his hands, cuts her off before she can speak.

“I don’t wanna fight. Not about this, Hayd.” He places the bottle on the desk and backs away. Grabs his shoes and key card. “I’m gonna go call my partner, give us both some space.”

Hayden just stands there, looking a little lost as the tension drains out of the air. On his way out the door, Shane says, “There’s nail polish remover in my toiletry kit. You can try it, not try it, throw it all away so I’ll never know which. But the option is there if you want it.”

------

Hayden sits on her bed, eyeing the guileless bottle balefully. It sits, oh-so-innocent, as if it wouldn’t lash out to bite her if she took her eyes off it for even a second.

The option is there if you want it. Shane’s words echo in her head. The room rings with the soft snick of how gently Shane had pulled the door shut. It disorients Hayden, a little bit. She had kind of been expecting a slam, even after Shane had pulled the plug on the rising tension. She doesn’t know what to do with gentle.

She uncurls slowly from where she’d been sitting with her knees up on her bed and staring at the bottle over her stacked forearms. She places one foot on the ground, then the other. She sits down at the desk.

It’s both easier and harder than she’d thought it would be. She smudges it a couple times, definitely gets it on her cuticles. Privately thanks Shane for his foresight in getting clear polish. 

But her hands don’t shake at all, and the polish goes on in smooth, even strokes. The cool feeling is pleasant on her nails, and it shines in the light even as it dries. She does the move she’s seen women do before, where they curl their fingers into their palm then splay them as they flip their hand over, a little flourish that says admire me. She immediately feels silly. 

She does it again, though, unable to look away from the subtle sheen. Her hands are square and her nails short, but the polish is inconspicuous enough that it doesn’t look out of place. It just adds, fitting neatly into everything else about her like its place had been ready and waiting.

She wonders what it would look like if it were more obvious. If it were still transparent, but with a hint of iridescence, or a light tint of color. 

------

By the time Shane gets back, she’s firmly feigning sleep, the nail polish scrubbed off. 

She can hear, though, the moment his steps falter slightly as he notices the two bottles sitting prominently on top of her bag. Shane releases a long breath, sounding relieved, and she knows that her wordless thanks has been accepted. She smiles slightly into her pillow and drifts off.

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[June 2018]

H. Pike (Metros): I’m gonna tell Jackie over the summer

H. Pike (Metros): Give us some time to process it before the baby comes

Hollzy: Wait, really? That’s great, Hayd.

Hollzy: What made you change your mind?

H. Pike (Metros): I feel like I’m lying all the time and I hate it

H. Pike (Metros): I know she’s worried about me

H. Pike (Metros): I can at least do this on my own terms, even if we split up

Hollzy: Is there anything I can do to help?

H. Pike (Metros): Not really

H. Pike (Metros): Well

Hollzy: Name it, Hayd.

H. Pike (Metros): Can I stay with you for a bit if Jackie needs space?

Hollzy: Of course. 

Hollzy: I’m going to my cottage mid-July and I’m probably going to be there for the rest of the summer, so I’ll give you a key to the building when I leave, okay? Door code is the same.

H. Pike (Metros): I’m probably going to do it before then. Rip the bandaid off

H. Pike (Metros): Thank you

Hollzy: Anytime.

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[June 2018]

Jackie watches Hayden putter around the kitchen, trying to figure out his game. So far today, he’s deep-cleaned most of the house, taken care of several minor repair jobs, and bundled the kids off to an apparently pre-arranged sleepover with her parents. Now, he’s cooking up a storm, muttering to himself as he squints at like three different recipes.

Their anniversary celebration isn’t for another couple weeks. Both of their birthdays are in the winter. As far as she knows, he hasn’t done anything he needs to grovel about, and they don’t really do that anyways. She hasn’t been overly stressed, either, so it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to pamper her. 

Mostly, she contents herself with watching him fondly, rubbing the spot on her belly that the baby keeps kicking. Hayden’s not usually a big cook, but sometimes he gets a bug in his brain for some elaborate spread. Maybe that’s all today is about. She’s glad. He’d been so withdrawn over the season, alternating between listless and on edge, and she’s hoping this is a sign that things are getting back to normal for him. She and Shane have been so worried. 

Shane had—not stopped contributing theories, exactly, but sometime in March his focus had clearly shifted to hockey and just getting Hayden and the rest of the Metros through the post-season. She can’t blame him, but it had left her feeling even more unmoored, so she’s relieved at the possibility that Hayden’s pulled himself out of this funk on his own.

Jackie walks up behind her husband and places a soft kiss behind his ear. Hayden inhales quietly, a little shaky, and relaxes into her hold. 

“Smells delicious,” she comments. Hayden smiles, a little terse, and kisses her on the forehead. 

“It’s almost done, just gotta plate up. Set the table, please?”

She hums agreement and pours them both a glass of sparkling cider as she does. Even if she’s pregnant, she thinks, they can make a night of it. Hayden brings the food to the table, and for a while, the only sound is the content clinking of silver- and glassware. The food really is delicious. 

“I have to tell you something.”

Jackie looks up. Hayden is looking down at his plate, and she can see him flex his hands before he looks up, gaze settling somewhere over her shoulder. He doesn’t speak. 

He’s clearly trying—Jackie watches him inhale, swallow tightly, and exhale again without speaking, looking frustrated and apprehensive. This repeats several times before Jackie can’t take it any longer and tries to at least triage her own worries. 

“Is it about the kids?”

Hayden shakes his head quickly. “No. The kids are good.”

No additional forthcoming information, but he’d at least answered her. Okay. Jackie can do 20 Questions, if that’s what helps.

“Does it have to do with hockey?”

“Kind of.” What does kind of mean? She puts a pin in that.

“Does it have to do with us?”

“Me, mostly, but it affects you.” 

Not ominous at all. She decides to lighten the mood a bit.

“What, is this where you tell me you and Shane are in love and running off together?”

It works, Hayden letting out a surprised snort that grows into a downright giggle. “Ohmygod, no—I’m transgender, not gay.”

Silence falls. Jackie watches the mirth drain off Hayden’s face as he realizes what he’s said. Jackie blinks, blinks again. Her brain is swirling as she tries to make sense of the situation. 

Hayden tries to speak, nothing coming out. His—her?—eyes are wide and her—his—her breathing is shallow. He swallows and tries again. “I—”

Jackie can’t do this. Not right now. She stands abruptly and says, almost absently, “I have to go pick up the kids.”

She leaves Hayden looking devastated behind her.

------

Jackie,

Went to Shane’s, I’ll stay overnight. I’m so sorry, we don’t ever have to talk about this again. It’ll be forgotten by tomorrow. 

-H

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