Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Rose Landry, Svetlana Vetrova, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Ottawa Centaurs WAGs Ensemble (Game Changers), Sasha | Ilya Rozanov's Coach's Son, Harris Drover

Additional Tags:

Texting Fic, Sexting, Alternate Universe, Hockey Player Shane Hollander, Student Ilya Rozanov, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Idiots in Love, Reader-Interactive, Social Media, Mixed Media, Comedy, Sitcom, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Identity Porn, Secret Identity, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, not that seriously though, Light Bondage, Freak4Freak Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Language:

English

Series:

Part 2 of Catfished! Universe

Stats:

Published: 2026-09-09 Updated: 2026-09-18 Words: 10,732 Chapters: 2/?

Professional Idiots

Summary

"I am bringing my new boyfriend to practice. But everyone must be nice. He's little bit embarrassed, because of his job."

"Oh, what does he do? Is he a zamboni driver or something lol?"

"His day job is in management, but he has a side hustle as a Shane Hollander impersonator. He does birthday parties."

Ilya is desperate for his amazing new boyfriend to meet his friends. There's just one problem. He's dating famous hockey player Shane Hollander, and he's worried that his LGBTQ+ Beer League teammates will all get starstruck. Instead, he comes up with a solution: Tell them that he's dating a Shane Hollander impersonator, instead of the real thing.

Sequel to Catfished By Shane Hollander!? (But you don't have to read that to understand this)

Chapter 1: The Impersonator

Chapter Notes

Notes: This is a sequel, but you don't have to have read Catfished by Shane Hollander!? for it to make sense! This will also be true for each chapter, they will all be kind of standalones

Important: All the pictures get big when you click on them, so if you can't read the memes just click! The poll at the beginning is also interactive, you can choose when you think hockey practice should be. Also if you scroll to the end you can play the music during the final scene, if you want.

“They are all very excited to meet you!” Ilya says. Shane is lying on Ilya's chest watching tape on his phone, while Ilya texts the group chat.

“And you told them who I am? I don’t want them to be too shocked when they see me,” Shane says, adorably.

“Hmmm kind of.” Ilya kisses the top of his head. His shampoo always smells really nice.

“What do you mean kind of?”

“I told them you are a professional Shane Hollander impersonator.” Shane turns around and looks up, scandalized.

“Ilya, you told them what?”

“Yes, I was going to tell them it was you, but then I thought would be funnier to lie and then see how long it takes them to figure it out. You are not mad?”

Shane looks at him with his big brown eyes. “Ilya, that’s hilarious, of course I’m not mad.”

Ilya squeezes him tighter. He’s so heavy and perfect. “Oh, and they want you to play. Would you want to do that?” Ilya asks.

“You’re asking me if I want to play a game of hockey?” Shane looks betrayed.

“Well, it’s with my LGBT beer league team. Not exactly the Ottawa Centaurs.”

“They can’t be that bad. Everyone knows that gay people are better at hockey. Look at me, and Scott Hunter, and Troy, and Luca. And Holmberg maybe. If he isn’t I lose $20.”

In truth, they really aren't that bad, but the group tries to be inclusive, so there's a huge skill gap between the first and fourth lines. The first line has players like Ilya, who grew up on hockey and would have been drafted if he didn't get injured at seventeen. There's also some players like Tom and Tara who both played in college. The second and third lines have more casual players, and then the fourth line is for the true beginners, who might have never picked up a stick before. It means they have to be stricter about which lines plays when, but the hockey is still fun.

“You’ll have to pretend to be bad at hockey, or they’ll figure it out. Do you think you can manage that?” Ilya asks, looking at him skeptically.

“I can do that. I do acting stuff all the time,” Shane says indignantly.

“Yeah, but you’ll have to really sell it. You might have to lose the game.” Shane’s eyebrows naturally pull together at the idea of losing a hockey game, even a stupid beer league match.

“Hmm. But my goal isn’t to win, it’s to convince everyone I’m not Shane Hollander. So if I do that well enough, I still technically win,” Shane says, and the crease evens out.

“Hmmm, that’s so true baby,” Ilya says, reaching over and kissing his shoulder.

“And I get to see you skate. In all your hockey gear,” Shane says, lifting up his chin so that Ilya can lean over and stick his tongue down his throat.

“Yes moya lyubimyy.” Shane tried to give him a full set of brand new professional gear on the third date, but Ilya has been resisting, despite Shane's many compelling arguments (starting with come on, I'm literally a millionaire and ending with it turns me on! it's basically like me buying you lingere! ) Ilya just finds it very difficult to take things from other people.

It came up when Shane tried to pay for all of their dates because 'Ilya seriously, you need the money for school, one nice dinner is like nothing to me.' But Ilya couldn’t help how stressed he got every time Shane grabbed the check. There's just some residual shame he has, that on a date, as a man he should be the one paying. Even though, as Shane enjoys pointing out, they're both men. One of his worst fears is becoming a leech like his brother, and so they'd resolved the issue by playing rock/paper/scissors every time a check came out, and letting the winner pay.

This does not stop Ilya from making constant jokes about how Shane looks after him, how he snagged himself a rich, older (by one month) sugar daddy. Unfortunately, the second any of it becomes real, the lizard part of his brain rebels, even though Shane seems to genuinely enjoy buying him things.

“Fuuuuck, we can do faceoffs,” Shane says, moving over so that he can straddle Ilya.

“I can steal the puck from you,” Ilya says, pushing his hands under his T-shirt and stroking his nipples.

“You can try. I can check you into the boards,” Shane moans.

“Mmmm is actually a non-checking league. But we can do afterwards, when other people get off.”

“What if I want to get off right now?” Ilya does not have time to laugh at Shane's lame joke because his mouth and hands and his eventually cock are all full of Shane.

The rink that the Ottawa LGBTQ Hockey Society practices in is not as nice as the Canadian Tire Centre, but it’s got a sort of homey charm to it. Shane walks in, blinking slightly uncomfortably around the blue contact lenses in his eyes. Ilya had wanted to make sure that it wasn’t obvious immediately that he was the real Shane Hollander, and so Shane had got Rose’s hair person to put in extensions, and given him the lenses for his eyes. She had also suggested covering his freckles with makeup, but Ilya had immediately refused, and then cited the UN charter on destroying significant works of art as his reason why.

“Hey Ilya!” A woman with a short haircut and multiple lip piercings says as Ilya walks in.

“Hello Jessica. This is my boyfriend Wayne!” Ilya says excitedly.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Shane says, and manages to stops himself from offering a handshake.

“Do you have the budget meeting too? Renee is already in there, I’m just waiting for her,” Jessica says.

Ilya had mentioned already that he had a quick meeting before practice. It’s nice that Shane will have someone to talk to now before the session starts. He’d been a bit nervous about meeting everyone all at once, so this feels like a good way to start. It's also useful to have someone to test the disguise. From what he can see so far, it seems to be working.

“Yes, I have to go. Alright, bye Shane, love you,” Ilya says, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. Shane watches his beautiful ass as he walks away.

“Wow, that was so fucked up, are you okay?” The woman next to him asks once Ilya is out of earshot.

“Hmmm?” Says Shane.

“He just called you Shane. Has he done that before?” There is concern on her face, and it takes Shane a minute to realise why.

“Oh… well. Yeah, maybe once or twice.” Shane says, resisting the urge to grin.

“Really? Jeez, and you think you know a guy. I really thought he was better than that. You know, I used to get told I looked like Lucy Liu all the time when I was a kid. I’m not even Chinese!” Shane is finding her concern touching, even if she’s wrong in this particular case.

“Oh. I used to get Keanu Reeves sometimes.” He’d never thought about it much before, but it did bother him, getting compared to random Asian celebrities. He’s never really been able to talk about it with someone before. He didn’t have many Asian friends as a kid.

“See, and you don’t look like him at all, he’s just the only Wasian white people have heard of.”

“That’s true.” Shane has vivid memories of kids asking rude questions to his mom, or talking really slowly when they meet him as if he doesn’t speak English.

“I’ll admit, you do look a bit like Shane Hollander, but not even that much really! You’re definitely taller than him,” She says, which actually hurts a bit. Do people think he’s short? He’s taller than the average Canadian man, he just stands next to stupidly tall people most of the time.

“Hmm. Maybe,” Shane says.

“I can talk to him if you want. Let him know that it’s not okay to date you if he’s just going to treat you like that. You’re such a catch too, you could get any guy you want!”

Shane is touched that one of Ilya’s friends is immediately willing to stand up for him. It was funny in the beginning, but he really can’t let her go on thinking that Ilya is a terrible boyfriend. He’s still reluctant to let the cat out the bag so soon though. Shane just has to think of a reason why Ilya might call him ‘Shane’ instead of ‘Wayne’.

“Jessica, it’s really nice but you seriously don’t have to do it. He does call me Shane sometimes, it’s a… thing for us. Just in the bedroom usually.” Jessica’s eyes widen, and Shane almost regrets it, but then her face morphs and she just starts laughing at him.

“Oh. Oh! Wow, and you like that? You’re into it too?” If he was in a locker room still, they would already be groaning and covering their ears now, as if just hearing about gay sex would magically transport dicks into their mouths.

“Yeah, it’s just a fun thing we do. Sometimes I pretend that he’s the guy from dirty dancing,” Shane adds, for no reason at all. It’s a completely organic suggestion and definitely not something he’s thought about before.

“What? Oh right, yeah Ilya does kind of look like a young Patrick Swayze.” Ilya does. Ilya really does.

“Exactly! Yeah, so Ilya’s definitely not racist. Sorry to tell you the details, you probably don’t want to hear about this kind of stuff.”

“No, it’s funny! Me and my girlfriend do roleplay stuff sometimes too. Anyway, we should probably go and get changed,” Jessica says.

Shane pulls out his phone to update Ilya. It’s an important rule when roleplaying, that you have to make sure that the other person is aware of anything you add to the narrative.

In the locker room Shane does his usual routine taking off his shirt and folding it carefully. Their practice arena has flimsy metal lockers instead of the plush wooden cubby’s he’s used to, but it's loud and it smells of sweat and it's full of men. Shane has always loved locker rooms.

“Woah,” says Harry, the guy changing next to him, looking at Shane. “Dude you are totally ripped, Ilya said you work in management? What the hell is your routine?” Shane struggles not to look smug.

“Are you checking out my boyfriend?” Ilya yells, from across the room. They’d decided ahead of time that it was safer not to change next to each other.

“Dude, I am happily married, I just want gym tips. Jesus, you’re like a buff version of Shane Hollander,” Harry says. Shane’s smile dims a bit.

“A buff version?”

“Yeah, I mean like, Shane Hollander has all those pads on him all the time, so he looks bigger than he is, but you’re actually huge.” Harry’s eyes are absolutely glued to his pecs in a way that might get him assaulted in the Metros locker room.

“He looks pretty buff in that Calvin Klein ad though?” Freddy adds thoughtfully.

“Ah no, that is not real. They just paint the abs on, is all special effects. Photoshop.” Ilya says. Shane glares at him.

“Right, yeah that makes sense,” Freddy agrees. Shane is going to kill Ilya. This must be revenge for how he was messing with Jessica earlier.

Shane always thought guys who did shirtless interviews after games were just showing off, but does he need to do that more often? Ilya is looking satisfied now, but he won’t be so happy after next game, when Shane is getting hundreds of thirsty dms.

“Also, I highly doubt that Shane Hollander has that many hickeys. Ilya, was that really necessary? None of us are stealing Wayne, you didn’t have to make it quite so obvious.”

Ilya just smirks, and removes his own shirt, and everyone in the room notices his own collection of kiss marks, including a particularly prominent one on his left pec.

“Wow. Are you guys teenagers?”

“Could a teenager do this?” Ilya asks, and turns around to show off the scratch marks on his back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five minutes after stepping on the ice, Shane knows that he's going to have a problem. He'd tried to go for a leisurely speed, but four people have already commented on how fast he is. Plus, Renee had almost crashed into him during a warm up drill, and so on instinct he'd spun out of the way so quickly and gracefully that he'd had to lie and say he took figure skating lessons as a kid. Ilya had given him a particularly heated look after that one.

On the shooting drill, it's a bit easier, because he just aims slightly past the goal for almost every shot. It's actually sort of fun to try to keep a consistent ratio of one shot in every nine going in, and making the shots in look accidental is a challenge. He tries to see how many mistakes he can make while still getting the puck in the goal.

Despite his messing around, most of his time is dedicated to watching Ilya, because holy shit Ilya can play. Shane knows enough about hockey to immediately recognise how good Ilya could have been. His leg doesn't bother him much in daily life, but it slows him down on the ice, and as a teenager he was told one bad hit could have him permanently disabled. For the first time, Shane is able to appreciate how difficult it must have been to give hockey up, because Ilya clearly loves being on the ice, and his shot is strong and almost perfectly accurate. He's a faster shooter than many pros Shane knows, even though he only practices twice a week, and his edges are making Shane a little bit hard in his cup.

They do one passing drill together, and Shane can't believe how easy it feels, like the puck is drawn to Ilya's stick. He relies on everyone else being too focused to notice him, and gets almost all the way up to his usual levels of speed and power, watching how Ilya is able to adjust and compliment him.

After warm ups, the teams are divided, and Shane and Ilya end up on different teams, as Ilya had requested from their coach before the session. Luckily, he ends up on the same team as Jessica, and so they chat a bit more on the bench. She also knows a ton about hockey, and she's an architect by day, so Shane happily talks about his work, and how he designed his own cottage.

“Are you doing anything for pride?” Jessica asks at one point.

“Yeah, I have to, for work.” Shane says it before he can really think about it, and then worries that he might have offended Ilya’s friends, who are like, actual practicing gay people. Not that Ilya doesn’t make sure he gets plenty of practice in, but… it’s different. He’s different.

“Oh, you don’t seem too jazzed about it,” Jessica observes.

“Sorry. Yeah I know pride is important, and I mean… obviously I’m gay. But does everyone have to know that? Does that have to become my whole thing?” Shane says, before he can stop the words coming out his mouth.

“Hmmm I guess I can see that. Going with friends is different to going for work. Do they have you like, dancing on a float or something?” She says jokingly, but not jokingly enough for Shane to pick up on.

“Yes! Yeah exactly, like I have no problem with the float but why do I have to be on it?” Shane sighs.

“Wait, you’re not shitting me, your company actually has a float at pride?”

“Yup. A big one.” Harris had been very excited to show him the pictures, and Shane had tried not to cringe visibly.

“Ooooh I hate corporate pride stuff. I mean is the company actually like, good about LGBT stuff?” Ben asks, making Shane snort.

Usually he would give one of his media-trained answers here, but they don’t even know what he’s really talking about, so it’s probably fine.

“Fuck no. Well, I mean… my office is good, but pretty much all the others are… not so good. Where I was before sucked.”

“See, this is why I hate the rainbow capitalism bullshit. And I can totally relate. So I work at like, the gay Jamba Juice. But then I had to cover a shift at the one down the street, and it had the most rancid gym-bro vibe. I asked where the pronoun badges were and they looked at me like I asked where they kept the buttplugs.”

Shane laughs. He hadn’t really expected to be able to relate to most of Ilya’s friends, but it’s turning out to be a lot easier than he thought. Ben tells him a bit about the LGBT issues module he's taking for his political science degree (which he's using his Jamba Juice money to fund), and Shane feels like he should be taking notes.

“You know, at my last workplace I got called gay because I mentioned using moisturiser. I just told him I’m not getting skincare advice from someone whose whole face looks like a ballsack.” Jessica, Ben, and two other people who had obviously been listening all burst into laughter.

“Wayne you’re so funny! And I wasn’t going to bring this up, but you have the skin of a beautiful porcelain doll and I am actually so desperate to ask what your routine is,” Arjun, one of the people who had been laughing, asks.

“Oh my god thank you, I didn’t want to ask myself but, Wayne please enlighten us!” Jessica adds.

“Oh, you really want to know about that?” Shane asks, a little pleased, because usually nobody asks about his skincare routine, and he actually put quite a lot of work into researching it.

In the break after the first period, Shane texts his mother.

“Hey, is Shane Hollander popular with lesbians?” Shane asks Jessica, who is sitting next to him, then realises she never actually told him her identity. “Not that I’m assuming you’re a lesbian.”

“Yes! Lesbians looooove Shane Hollander.” Shane looks at her to see if she’s joking but she doesn’t seem to be.

“Oh. Really? Um. Why?”

“Because of Rose Landry! After she dated Shane Hollander, she started dating women. So some people say he turned her gay. It’s just a joke obviously, but you know what the internet is like.”

That's ridiculous. If anything, it was the other way around.

“Yeah, and he was supportive when she came out. Actually, a lot of her exes were really supportive.” Shane tries not to laugh at that, because it might look dismissive, but it is very difficult.

“I’m surprised you didn’t know already. Hey, that could be a new audience for you, with your act.”

“What?” Shane had briefly forgotten about the pretending to be a Shane Hollander impersonator thing.

“You could definitely get hired for like, lesbian bachelorette parties as a Shane Hollander impersonator. This could be a whole new part of your career!” She says enthusiastically.

“Wow. I guess I could. And to think, my high school guidance counsellor told me I should go to college.”

Jessica laughs, and then her face morphs into a mask of steely determination as their coach beckons them to get on the ice for their next shift.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shane is in the bathroom when another one of Ilya’s friends strikes up a conversation with him. Freddy was on the other team, so they haven’t really had a chance to talk yet.

“You know, Ilya’s not rich,” Freddy says to Shane, for seemingly no reason.

“Um. I know that?” Shane replies.

“Yeah. Okay. He’s just not like secretly the heir to a Russian oil fortune or anything. In case you were wondering.” Freddy’s face is sour, and Shane can’t work out why.

“Haha, yeah. Actually, I think it’s really impressive that he’s paying for his whole degree himself. And he’s a really good PT, his clients seem to love him. It wouldn’t matter to me anyway though, because I have a pretty well-paying job.”

It seems a bit disingenuous to describe 11.5 million a year as ‘pretty well paying’ but Shane doesn’t have time right now to get into his feelings surrounding the fact that he’s a multi-millionaire.

“Well, Ilya is a really nice guy. With a big heart. And it might not seem like it right away, but he’s actually a very serious person.”

This is nice. Shane loves talking about Ilya. “I’m a serious person too.”

“Are you? You're wearing coloured eye contacts to a beer league hockey practice. You’re serious about Ilya?” Freddy is looking at him skeptically for some reason. Shane has never been accused of not being serious about something before, it’s always been the opposite. There’s something exhilarating about being perceived completely incorrectly.

“He’s my boyfriend. I love him. He met my parents.” Intellectually, Shane knows that plenty of people introduce multiple partners to their parents, but that’s just not him. Shane doesn’t do ‘failure’. This includes failed relationships. Ilya is stuck with him.

“I know that you might be used to pretending to be something that you’re not, because of your job…” Freddy starts to say.

“Ah yes, because of all the Shane Hollander impersonating that I do.” Shane tries to nod convincingly.

“Exactly, you’re an actor! And I’ve dated actors before, I know that sometimes they can hide how they really feel. But I’ve never seen Ilya so happy with someone. He seems to really believe in your relationship, like he’s thinking long term. And I’m just wondering whether that’s something you’d be willing to give him. Considering… everything.”

“Everything?” Shane asks.

“Well, I mean look at you! I guess it’s a little hard to believe that you’d settle for Ilya.” Shane just looks at him confused.

“I don’t understand. How am I settling? Ilya is the hottest man in the world.”

Freddy gives him an ‘are you joking’ kind of look. “... what do you mean?”

“Ilya is the hottest man in the world. Obviously. If I was in an arena with ten thousand people screaming my name, I would still only look at him.”

Freddy is staring at Shane as if he’s lying, which is crazy because that is empirically true. He’s tested it several times now. Whether it’s the Bell Centre, or the Canadian Tire Centre, or goddamn Madison Square Garden, his eyes find Ilya every time. And just the fact that Shane can feel him in the audience makes him play better, smarter, show off more. He’d do anything to make that proud smile bloom across Ilya’s face.

Freddy doesn’t look convinced so Shane thinks fuck it. He’s Wayne right now. Wayne, not-embarassed-to-talk-about-gay-sex Hollander.

“Ilya is kind, and funny, and he is always considerate. And also, the first time we ever had sex, he made me come hands free,” Shane says with the appropriate amount of smugness. Freddy looks thrown off.

“Hands free? Really?”

“Yup.”

“Holy shit. And Ilya said you guys met on Grindr ?” Shane understands why that particular fact raises eyebrows, but it’s not that weird. Plenty of people meet online.

“He didn’t even know what my face looked like until we met up.” Ok, that part is a bit weird.

“No. Bullshit. Nobody is that lucky.” Freddy has stopped looking concerned about Ilya and started looking jealous instead. Shane considers this a win.

“It’s not luck, we’re just soulmates. We were going to get together no matter what. If he was a cowherd in rural Siberia and I was, I don’t know, a businessman in Toronto, we would still find each other and make it work.”

“The scary thing is that I think you really believe that.”

Shane doesn’t need to believe it because it’s obviously true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Playing an actual game of hockey while pretending that he’s a beginner is more difficult than Shane expected. His instincts keep telling him exactly where to position himself, who to pass to, and where to shoot the puck, even as he keeps his skating slow and stick handling wobbly. It’s easy to keep himself from scoring, but he does give Jessica some extremely helpful assists, and she ends up getting two goals, and telling him he’s her favourite liney ever.

Even though they’re far from professionals, everyone takes the game very seriously. Shane can tell that his team genuinely wants to win, despite the fact that the teams are different every week, and the only prize is a round of drinks at the end of practice. It reminds him of what it was like to play hockey when he was a kid, before the pressure to be the best started infiltrating everything. It’s something he didn’t even realise that he’d missed.

During the game, Shane and Ilya are playing on different lines, and so for the first two periods they don’t spend any time on the ice together. This isn’t a problem though, because it means Shane gets to watch Ilya make perfect passes to Tom, his right wing on the first line, and deke past a defender to score an absolutely filthy goal. Finally, with only four minutes of the game left, the first line on Shane’s team is too tired to go out for another shift, and so Shane and Ilya end up playing against each other.

They take faceoff position, and Shane leans forward so that only Ilya can hear him.

“One minute. Give me your best shot.” Ilya’s face curves into a big smile.

Shane immediately wins the faceoff, and gets the puck over to Jessica. It’s all muscle memory, and then he remembers that Ilya is much faster than she is. In only a few seconds, Ilya has stripped the puck off her, pivoted, and started racing towards the goal. Shane whips his way around the other players on the ice, and chases Ilya down.

He has to push down his instinct to check Ilya into the boards, and instead focuses on stealing the puck with his stick. Ilya is fast, but not quite quick enough to lose him, and his hands are beautiful as he fights to keep the puck. Shane keeps on him, and Ilya manages to hold out all the way to the other end of the rink. Shane stays on Ilya’s right side, blocking him from taking a shot, and so Ilya takes them all the way around the back of the goal, still skating at top speed, looking for any gap that Shane will give him.

Shane stays strong, his lungs burning as they make it around, until he finally spots Ilya’s attention wander as he scopes out the goal. Taking the opportunity before he fully runs out of energy, he slips his stick in and steals the puck, then turns towards the other team’s goal. He doesn’t have the energy to make it back down, but he thinks he can see a channel, so he skates two paces and then shoots it. The puck flies through the air in a beautiful arc, all the way down the rink and past five players who can’t react in time, before it skitters onto the ice and slides in between the goalie’s legs.

Shane pumps his fist in celebration, as the rink descends into chaos. First, Ilya grabs him and smacks a kiss right on his mouth, sweaty and disgusting and absolutely perfect. Then Shane is swarmed by other members of the LGBT Ice Hockey Society, who are all yelling basically the same things.

“Hey what the FUCK was that?”

“Shane Hollander? Actual real Shane Hollander?”

“Ilya you motherfucker, stop kissing Shane Hollander, I’m gonna kill you,”

A few people are just yelling his full name over and over. After a bit, Ilya stops kissing him, throws out his arms and yells “Quiet!”

They all shut up, like a bunch of school children who are being told off. All of the players who were on the bench have come onto the ice, to figure out what’s going on.

Shane decides he should probably apologise. “I’m sorry that I lied to everyone. As you might have noticed, I’m not actually a Shane Hollander impersonator. Ilya thought it would be funny to prank all of you.”

Everyone starts talking again, so Ilya has to yell at them all to shut up again.

“Ok you are all too loud, hands up if you have a question for me or for Shane Hollander.” A few hands shoot up immediately.

“Ok Sam, you can go first.”

“So you guys aren’t really dating?” they ask. A lot of people nod appreciatively.

“No! Of course we are really dating. Shane Hollander is my beautiful boyfriend who I love very much.” Ilya leans down and kisses him again. Almost everyone’s hands immediately shoot up in the air. There’s quite a lot of mutterings that sound like they don’t really believe it.

“Yes, we're boyfriends. Ilya was really excited to introduce me to everyone. Even though he chose to do it in this insane way.” Shane smiles at Ilya, and kisses him again. Ilya points at Tom, who has his hand up.

“How?” Tom asks.

“Sorry, could you expand on that a bit more?” Shane says.

“How the fuck did this happen? How did Ilya manage to get the real actual Shane Hollander to date him?”

“Ah, I told you this already. We met on Grindr,” Ilya says, as if it’s a stupid question.

“That part was true? That’s like the least believable bit! No way are professional athletes just hanging out on Grindr.” Freddy says, passionately and incorrectly.

Shane hums. He doesn’t want to say that in the time between getting the app and meeting Ilya, he noticed at least two other professional hockey players on the app. They didn’t show their faces either but… he’s shared showers at all-stars, and well, obviously he wasn’t looking a lot. But he was reading an article once about people who remember everything, and they called it a didactic memory. Shane has that, but just for cocks. A dickdactic memory.*

“I was in the closet when we met, and it’s a lot easier to be anonymous on Grindr than on other apps. I was mainly there just to see what was out there, but then I met Ilya, and he was so kind and funny and handsome that I was falling in love before I had time to think about it being a bad idea. I know it sounds unlikely, but that’s how it was.”

“Shane I love you so much. Ok next question.” Ilya points at Kelsie.

“Shane? Can you tell your mom for me that she’s the woman of my dreams,” Kelsie says.
Kelsie gets shoved by the three people sitting next to her.

Ilya frowns. “Ok, question time is over, nobody is allowed to try to fuck Shane’s mom. I am disappointed in you, Kelsie.”

Kelsie shrugs. “Sorry Shane. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t try.” Shane is too busy laughing to be offended. Now he can tell his mother that apparently she is also popular with the lesbian audience.

People still clearly have questions, but everyone is tired from the hockey, and so they trudge off to the changing rooms. Shane’s team won in the end, but that’s largely forgotten as they all make their way to their usual spot for after ice drinks. Shane is sitting next to his boyfriend, drinking a ginger ale and chatting with the team.

“Yeah, so how are we going to make this work next week?” Jessica asks.

“Good point. We can’t really just ask Shane to pretend to be bad again,” Kirk says.

“Wait, next week? You want me to come again?” Shane had been assuming that this was a completely one-time deal. Obviously there’s no way he could play again as himself, it wouldn’t be fair on the rest of them.

“Do we want gay hockey Jesus on our gay hockey team? Is that a real question?” Jessica looks genuinely offended by the idea.

“Blindfolding him would probably be too dangerous,” Tom says.

“Ah yes. And if I see Shane in a blindfold, I will also not be able to play,” Ilya jokes. Shane punches him in the shoulder, and everyone laughs.

“We could try tying an arm behind his back?” Jessica suggests.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. How do you feel about that Shane?” Eyes turn to him. It feels very satisfying, that these people want to play hockey with him so badly they’re willing to try ridiculous things.

“Sounds like a fun challenge. Maybe tie up my right arm? I’m still pretty good with one hand.” Shane pauses. “Ilya, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it.” The whole room laughs, and nobody looks grossed out.

“We can try different stuff. Maybe one week we can find out how many people it takes to win against just you,” Kirk says.

“Yeah, I’m cool with whatever, if you guys are down. Obviously I’ll be gone a lot for games, but it’s been really nice to play hockey just for fun.”

Being introduced to them as ‘Wayne’ rather than ‘Shane Hollander’ has broken the ice a bit, and now that everyone has calmed down, they don’t act too starstruck. Shane feels comfortable enough to hold hands with his boyfriend, in a public place, in front of all these people. It feels amazing, like something he never thought he’d get to have.

Ilya has opened things up for him in so many ways. The Centaurs are great, but they’re still his coworkers. As the Captain, he’s responsible for bringing them a cup. Letting loose around them is difficult in some ways, because there’s always that flint of worry that they’ll start judging him.

With Ilya’s beer league friends, he gets to just be Ilya’s boyfriend. He can talk about hockey with them without it turning into a competition. Kelsie listens to his whole spiel about how the Admirals are going to win their next game because of their recent trades, the adjustments to the line, and the extra muscle on the power play, and then says ‘yeah but Scott Hunter is a Cancer, and Venus is ascending. It’s a really bad time for him.’

And instead of saying “That’s crazy bullshit,” Shane finds himself just telling her he never thought of that. (and then Scott Hunter does play like shit in that game, and the Admirals do lose so what does he know anyway.)

Ilya comes alive around his friends. His jokes are funnier, and his shoulders are relaxed in a way that Shane doesn’t usually get to see them around other people. He even lets Shane pick up the bar tab for the whole table, accepting Shane’s excuse of ‘I was the one pranking them, the least I can do is buy them some drinks’. As silly as the prank was, Shane’s happy that it gave him a chance to properly get to know everybody without the pressure of being Shane Hollander.

Shane goes up to buy himself another drink. He doesn’t notice Ilya following him until he slides up next to him.

“Hey, you look a little familiar,” Ilya says, in his sultriest voice.

“Oh really? Some people tell me I look like Shane Hollander,” Shane says, catching on to the game.

“Wow. Well, I think you look like the guy I’m taking home tonight,” Ilya says, giving him a wink.

Shane makes sure they say their goodbyes, and then grabs Ilya’s hand, pulls him out the bar and into the street. He gives a taxi driver a hundred dollars, and tells him to get them home as soon as possible. He needs Ilya on top of him immediately.

They make it home, and Shane quickly pushes Ilya against the door, kissing him ferociously. It was so hot to see him out on the ice, getting to chase each other for the puck, feeling Ilya pose a genuine challenge to him. Ilya responds immediately, licking into Shane’s mouth, and reaching over to pull his shirt over his head. Then Ilya’s hands still.

“My love, you cannot distract me. I have to keep our promise,” Ilya says. Shane thinks back through the day, and then realises.

“Are you really sure? I’m very heavy,” Shane says.

“Is okay, I watched instruction video. I can do it.” Shane hasn’t watched an instruction video, but he has watched the movie Dirty Dancing sixteen times with his mom, so he’s pretty sure he can nail his part.

Ilya takes a few steps back, so that Shane is at one end of the hallway, while he’s in the bedroom, a clear path for Shane to run down. He takes out his phone, and starts playing the music. Shane feels a bit silly, but Ilya’s face is dead serious.

They’ve never done anything like this.

It’s a stupid thing to do, probably, because Shane is so heavy, not like the girl in the movie at all.

He could easily get injured and then Coach Wiebe would kill him.

But Shane starts running, because when he jumps, he trusts that Ilya will catch him.

A second after he springs off the ground he feels Ilya’s hands around his hips, and then he’s soaring in the air, arms out, laughing like a maniac. Ilya’s arms are fully extended, strong enough not to shake even with all of Shane’s weight above him. After a second, Ilya takes him in his arms, and slowly pulls him down, but Shane wraps his legs around Ilya's waist before he can put him fully on the ground. They look into each other's eyes, both still laughing at the adrenaline, and Shane kisses the hottest man in the world.

Chapter End Notes

Thanks for reading! I have more chapters of this planned, the next one should come out in a few days. This is sort of my Hollanov sitcom, so we'll just see the characters in various Situations, without much plot attached, so each chapter is really a standalone. No planned ending, just when I stop thinking of new scenarios. I also have more overly elaborate comedy sexting planned, so look forward to that, freaks!

Let me know what you thought <3

*(this is the stupidest joke in the fic. )

Chapter 2: Chapter Two

Chapter Notes

Shane isn’t the kind of person who likes surprises, but Ilya is, and Shane loves planning, so in some ways it’s a match made in heaven. They both enjoy sports, but they’re so competitive that it sometimes causes… accidents. Apparently they are the only people who have ever been banned from the rec centre courts because of badminton-related violence.

The ideal sport is something they can do together, but still separately. This is why booking a surfing lesson initially seems like such a good idea. It’s athletic, slightly dangerous (which both of them enjoy) and best of all, neither of them have ever done it before, so it means a completely even competition.

Also, Ilya looks fucking incredible in a wetsuit. His blonde curls and golden skin mean he fits right in on the beach, Shane’s surfer dreamboat. Flying Ilya over here for their day off after the Centaurs beat LA was one of his best ideas ever.

“Oh my god!” Says their surf instructor when they walk over. Shane braces himself.

“Dude, you look just like that Calvin Klein model,” he says enthusiastically. Shane blushes. It had been pretty embarrassing to walk past a large picture of himself in the airport.

“Well, it’s not me. Just here to learn surfing,” he reminds him.

“Cool, yeah. Okay, so the first thing you need to know is how to pop up…”

Shane finds that some of the practice for surfing is kind of like yoga. He just needs to hold his body in certain positions, and stay strong. Ilya is pretty good at it too, despite Shane being unable to get him to consistently do yoga. He has a sneaking suspicion that their particularly athletic sex life might have something to do with it.

When they finally get out into the ocean, Shane starts to really see the appeal of surfing. It’s a lot more unpredictable than skating, but there’s a rush to it that is kind of similar. The first moment he manages to stand up on the board feels like skating the length of the rink and landing a goal in the top corner. He can tell from Ilya’s grin that he enjoys it too.

They both manage to stand up a few times, and their surf instructor seems impressed. He also quite unsubtly tries to get both of them to go out for a drink with him, but Shane figures he can’t be blamed for trying.

All in all, the surf lesson goes great. It’s when they get to the escape room that Ilya realises something is up. He looks at Shane with narrowed eyes, as they stand in front of the building.

“This is a sex thing,” He tells Shane.

“Well, not really,” Shane says, lying.

“We are doing… wait are we doing the movie about the surfers who rob banks?” Ilya’s sudden spark of annoyed recognition makes Shane burst out laughing.

“Shane, I have not even seen this movie,” Ilya whines.

“No! Point Break is such a good film, how can you not have seen it? Everyone’s seen that movie, it’s a total classic, must-watch movie!” Shane says passionately.

“Hmm. I am not sure this is true for everybody. I understand why this is must-see movie for you and your mother, because it has Patrick Swayze in it. And I have looked in mirror and also unfortunately seen young pictures of your dad.” Ilya looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Sorry Ilya, I didn’t hear any of that, because I was having a sudden vision of you sleeping on the couch,” Shane says.

“Ok. So now we are re-enacting this bank heist surfer movie.”

“Well, we had to do it! It’s got Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves!” Shane says excitedly.

“Shane, you know that I do not actually imagine you are Keanu Reeves when we have sex? It is important to me that you know this,” Ilya says earnestly.

“Yeah, obviously. Just like I don’t actually imagine you’re Patrick Swayze.” Shane has never been good at maintaining eye contact, so it is not suspicious that he also can’t do it when he says that.

“Yes. Of course you don’t,” Ilya says, sounding a lot less convinced than Shane would like.

They get into the escape room, which is entirely bank themed. A young woman dressed as a bank teller signs them in, and lets them know that they will be locked inside for one hour, and then winks at Shane. There’s a big red timer over the door, slowly clicking down.

Shane has the Hollander Family Aptitude for Puzzles, and Ilya has recently been recruited into this small club by Shane’s dad. They breeze through a morse code task, opening a box that turns out to have a length of rope in it, and then a challenge where they have to get a key using a magnet attached to a pole.

They kiss after each challenge. The first one is just a peck, but with each kiss Shane escalates things just a little, staying longer, gripping Ilya’s hair tighter. Eventually, he is kissing Ilya deeply, letting him thrust his tongue inside his mouth, while his fingers play with the hem of his shorts. Shane lets three fingers slip down into Ilya’s underwear, when Ilya pulls away.

“Shane, baby, remember there is a security camera,” Ilya points at it blinking in the corner of the room.

“I know. They’re legally required to have them in escape rooms, in case someone gets stuck or needs help or something. But I made a little deal with the escape room people.”

“Ah. It is turned off for us?” Ilya guesses, smirking at Shane like a tiger hovering over its prey.

“Close. There’s nobody there watching it, but the camera’s still running. I thought it might be nice to get a souvenir.”

“Wow. Like on a rollercoaster. Photo evidence of me riding Shane Hollander. I should get magnet, put it on fridge.” Ilya reaches both hands inside the back of Shane’s shorts and squeezes.

“You are such a pervert,” Shane says, pushing him against the wall.

“This bank is pretty realistic. We should make the most of it,” Ilya says, which is exactly what Shane had hoped for.

“Hmmm. Mr Bank Manager, hands where I can see them,” Ilya says. Obediently, Shane puts his hands in the air.

“They can’t know we planned this job together,” Shane leans over and whispers into Ilya’s ear.

“Oooh, Mr Bank Manager. You let me into your vault willingly?”

“You seduced me into a life of crime. We split the money, and then run away to Mexico.”

“Shane, which parts are fake. I can never tell, are we actually going to Mexico?” Shane has to stop himself from laughing.

“Don’t worry about that right now. Look, we only have fifteen minutes before the cops show up,” Shane says, pointing at the big red numbers ticking down.

Ilya grins, and sweeps everything off the desk. A phone and a stack of papers go crashing to the floor, and he picks Shane up and drops him on the desk, Shane’s legs wrapped around his thighs. Ilya leans forward to stick his tongue in Shane’s mouth again, but Shane puts a hand on his chest, pushing him away slightly.

“Stop. The police can’t know that I let you in, what if they figure out I’m in on it? You have to tie me up, to make it look like there was a struggle.” He looks up at Ilya, and makes his eyes extra wide.

Ilya leans forward so that his forehead is pressed against Shane’s chest. “Shane. Shane. You have a sick and twisted mind. You cannot just spring these things on me.”

“There’s lube in my pocket. And behind that mirror. And you found the rope already.” Ilya has a massive grin on his face as he gets everything together. He pulls off Shane’s shirt as he kisses him again, licking deeply into his mouth.

“I should have known. This is your favourite brand,” Ilya says, grabbing the rope and running it through his fingers.

“Alright Mr Bank Manager, hands behind your back.” Ilya’s voice is firm, getting back into character. Since it’s his last chance, Shane reaches forward and gives the bulge at the front of Ilya’s shorts a squeeze before putting his hands behind his back. He can feel how aroused Ilya is already. Ilya slaps him lightly on the face.

“I said hands behind your back, no touching. Apologise.”

“Sorry, I’ll be good. Take whatever you want,” Shane whines.

Ilya spins him around on the desk, so he can tie his hands up more easily. He wraps the rope around securely, and perfectly knots it. He slips a piece of rope into Shane’s hands and taps, so that he knows where the release point is.

“I’m making it tight. Can’t have you running to the cops.” Shane pulls his hands apart, testing. Ilya has done a good job, he’s not going anywhere. Ilya spins him around and kisses again, but this time he has to keep his hands around him, since Shane’s sense of gravity is off.

“You don’t trust me? I promise I haven’t told anyone about our plans,” Shane says.

“Hmmm, you better not have. You’re so helpless now.” Ilya sucks a mark into his neck, and then pulls away to look at him, running a hand down his face. His touch is gentle, until it turns into another slap. Shane feels his cock twitch as Ilya’s hand connects.

“So pretty. I could just take the money and go,” Ilya purrs.

“No! You promised. You promised that if I let you into the vault, you’d fuck me,” Shane whines, spreading his legs slightly. Ilya’s eyes flick down

“Desperate slut. Sorry baby, I’m not sure we have time.” He pulls down Shane’s shorts and underwear, and Shane has to shuffle humiliatingly out of them since he can’t use his hands.

“We do. Come on, I need it.” Shane’s legs are still open, so Ilya can see how Shane is dripping precome already. He’s completely naked, hands tied behind his back, while Ilya is still fully clothed, looming over him with a mean smirk.

“Look at that. So hard for me. I should tie this up too,” Ilya says, flicking Shane’s hard cock. Shane moans slightly, and twists so that he can see the red numbers ticking down.

“Ilya come on, hurry up. I need your fingers, come onnnn.” Ilya slowly pushes him down until he’s lying with his back flat on the desk, legs in the air. Ilya leans down and circles his rim with one finger, wet with lube.

“Look at this, twitching for me. So needy, I bet you don’t even care if we get caught. Don’t care about anything as long as you get fucked,” Ilya says, and pushes the finger deep suddenly.

“Hmmmph,” Shane moans, and Ilya keeps stretching him, adding more fingers as Shane can’t help but writhe slightly.

He hears Ilya’s zip go down, and his cock twitches instinctively, making Ilya chuckle darkly. Ilya taps his wet cock against Shane’s rim, and pushes against it, not quite sliding in. Shane moans with how badly he needs to be filled.

“Wait. Smile for the camera baby,” Ilya says, and Shane remembers that they’re filming all of this. He tilts his head up so that he can make eye contact with the camera lens, and just as he smiles Ilya thrusts into him, punching a groan out of him.

“Oh fuck, yes, come on,” Shane moans as Ilya snaps his hips, not giving Shane any time to adjust. His thick cock rubs Shane’s prostate, and he feels the pleasure zip up along his spine.

“Fuck baby, you fucking love it,” Ilya’s teeth sink into his neck, and Shane tilts his head up, hoping that they can get every angle of this.

Ilya keeps pounding him, hands tight on his waist, leaving more kisses and bites along his collar bones. Shane can see the red numbers ticking down out of the corner of his eye, but it doesn’t matter because Ilya feels so fucking perfect, and the pleasure is building, and the

Ilya pulls out of him, panting. If Shane could he would reach his arms out, grab his ass and pull him back back, use his hands to guide the cock back in himself. He’s so fucking close, he just needs a few more thrusts. But Shane is helpless as Ilya steps back to look at him. He struggles on the desk, but only manages to flop pathetically.

“Who do you belong to?” Ilya asks.

“You, fuck, don’t stop, I’m fucking yours,” Shane moans.

“So pathetic, I’ll give you what you need,” Ilya runs a hand through Shane’s hair, grips it tightly in his fist, and then agonisingly slowly he pushes back in.

The timer beeps softly, indicating there’s only two minutes left, and Shane wraps his legs around Ilya’s back, pulling him even deeper, as Ilya thrusts wildly. With three more deep pumps, Ilya nailing his prostate perfectly, Shane gasps and comes all over himself. Ilya follows a second later, and Shane feels the cum being pumped into him, leaving a mess inside him.

Ilya pulls out and tucks himself back into his shorts.

“Wow, look at you. You’ll look so good in the crime scene photos, my little slut.” Ilya kisses him deeply once, and then turns around and walks three steps, before the seconds tick down to zero and the alarm starts going off.

He rushes back to Shane panicked.

“Fuck, fuck Shane, sorry!” He rips off his shirt, and throws it over Shane’s crotch.

“Ilya, it’s fine!” Ilya is grabbing Shane’s clothes off the floor, and shoving them at him.

“I thought we had more time, are they coming in now? Shane, I am so sorry,” Ilya rushes out.

“Ilya. Ilya look at me. We have the room for three hours. I lied because I thought the timer thing would be hot. Nobody is going to come in.” Ilya visibly relaxes, and then starts laughing, covering his face with his hands.

“Shane! Do not scare me like that, is mean. I ruined our sexy video,” Ilya says apologetically.

“Nah, it’s fine. Now we can make a blooper reel. Come here baby.” Ilya wraps his arms around Shane, and guides their mouths together.

“That was so fucking hot. Maybe next round you can be a cop?” Ilya suggests.

“There’s handcuffs in the safe over there. But I can’t remember the combination, so I hope you know the list of longest rivers in the world.” Ilya looks at him scandalised.

“Shane, you cannot melt my brain with sex and then make me do more puzzles.”

They are still cuddling after their third round, when there is a very tentative knock on the door. Ilya finishes pulling his shorts on, then opens it to two guys in full hazmat suits. He flinches instinctively, and turns to Shane.

“Shane, the world ended while we were fucking,” Ilya tells him.

“Oh, no that’s for me! I hired crime scene cleaners. I’d feel bad otherwise, I don’t want someone on minimum wage mopping up our semen. These guys are professionals.” Shane is considering hiring them for the cottage too, if they do a good job here.

“Wow, are you Shane Hollander?” One of the crime scene cleaners asks, a distinctly Canadian accent coming through the mask.

“No, my name is Wayne. But for a small fee, I do a very good impersonation. I can give you a business card if you want.”

Chapter End Notes

Sometimes in life, you Chekov's Gun yourself into writing bondage sex. Today it was me, someday it could be you. Anyway, this is sort of a continuation of chapter one, but after this it'll be more strict standalones.

Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think!