Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Social Media, reddit, Diary/Journal, Irina Rozanova Haunts the Narrative, Ilya Rozanov Misses Irina Rozanova, Ilya Rozanov's Journal, Grigori Rozanov A+ parenting, Suicidal Ideation, Ilya Rozanov is Obsessed With Shane Hollander, My First Fanfic, or my first fanfic over a decade, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mentioned Alexei Rozanov | Andrei Rozanov, Original Character(s), A beta approaches in the distance?, To save me for my inability to spell??, Ilya Rozanov Character Study, Epistolary

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-05-11 Updated: 2026-10-02 Words: 77,662 Chapters: 19/?

In Fragments, Ilya

Summary

Shappicly-Shappo OP
Fair question! I didn’t go looking for them or anything. Doing some side work for a local moving company (just boring documentation thank god. I’m much too frail for manual labor!!!) and according to my boss it was left behind by a client ‘‘forever ago” and was never claimed. Knowing him that probably means they didn’t deliver it a decade ago and the client never called looking for it. They were doing a big storeroom clean out and were just going to toss it, so I thought I’d snag it! 

imhavingabadtime_0158
So, you just picked up a bunch of old journals you couldn’t read? Didn’t you say you just started grad school? Girl, are you not busy enough????

Or Ilya loses his old journals in the move to Ottawa.

Chapter 1: 1

Chapter Notes

R/BUpostgrad

U/ Shappicly-Shappo

Looking for a someone who can read Russian

I recently got a bunch of old handwritten Russian books (journals maybe????) and I’m dying to know what they say! I just moved here for my masters and thought what the hell I’ll just ask and see if there’s anyone willing to help me sate my curiosity. Can’t afford to pay you (post grad is expensive y'all) but I’ll buy you dinner! As long as you like shitty pizza anyway😂😂

17⬆️4⬇️ 22💬

tiredofthisgramps

Congrats on starting your masters! Moving to a new city is so brutal!!

Shappicly-Shappo OP

Thank you! It’s been an adventure already for sure haha. Mostly I’ve been trying to make friends and somehow keep going to mixers full of only 18 year olds. Nothing against the freshmen but they make me feel ancient and I’m only 23. You all uncovered my secret plan to find a bestie that is also dying to know what this rando had to say about Sylvia Plath. 

undercaffinatedoverstimulated 

Annotations on Sylvia Plath? I thought they were handwritten journals?

 Shappicly-Shappo OP

They are mostly, I think! Just also a complete collection of Sylvia Plath poems (in English) with Russian annotations. Not sure what everything is yet. Obviously most of it is in a language I can’t read.

Rozisafuckingtraiter 

It’s some randos diary why do you give a fuck. Just throw it away. 

Shappicly-Shappo OP

And take up your hobby of being miserable on Reddit? No thanks!

imhavingabadtime_0158

Can’t help you on the Russian front but I’m dying to know why you picked up a big box of Russian journals when you can’t read Russian????

Shappicly-Shappo OP

Fair question! I didn’t go looking for them or anything. Doing some side work for a local moving company (just boring documentation thank God. I’m much too frail for manual labor!!!) and according to my boss it was left behind by a client ‘‘forever ago” and was never claimed. Knowing him that probably means they didn’t deliver it a decade ago and the client never called looking for it. They were doing a big storeroom clean out and were just going to toss it, so I thought I’d snag it! 

 imhavingabadtime_0158

So, you just picked up a bunch of old journals you couldn’t read? Didn’t you say you just started grad school? Girl, are you not busy enough????

Shappicly-Shappo OP

 …….👀👀👀

Tin_Of_Flowers

 I speak Russian and I’m always down for free food, shitty or otherwise. I’ll dm you! 

Shappicly-Shappo OP

!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!

R/BUpostgrad

u/Shappicly-Shappo

UPDATE: Found Someone!

Thanks everyone for your helpful responses! Especially for all the suggestions on where to meet non fetuses on campus I really appreciate it! But my biggest most unending gratitude to u/Tin_Of_Flowers for helping me out!

15⬆️2⬇️ 8💬

Tin_Of_Flowers

It was so fun, thanks for having me over! Looking forward to looking through the rest! 

 imhavingabadtime_0158 

I was wondering if you had ever gotten those translated! What do you mean started? How many of these journals are there? 

Shappicly-Shappo OP

There are 4 regular journals plus a handful of assorted annotated literature! We think we narrowed it down chronologically but honestly, he (pretty sure it’s a man??) labels his entries in a pretty strange way that we haven't really figured out yet!

imhavingabadtime_0158 

That’s honestly so cool? What do you mean he labels his entries strange? 

Tin_Of_Flowers

Well, they all start with a four-digit code and then usually a designation that we think represents the country or city he’s currently in. Sometimes he gets a bit sassy with it hahaha. We think the first two digits represent the month the entry was written. The first few entries start with 1217 and then switch to 0117 shortly after. So, I assume it went from December to January? The next two digits are more of a mystery. It could be the date, but it stays too consistent between large groups of entries for that. I thought for a while it was actually the year, but they go up to 26 in the later (or what we assume is later) entries! So definitely not the year. Shappicly-Shappo's current theory is that it's the writer's age but that would mean he’s been traveling the world pretty consistently since he was seventeen which I find pretty unlikely. 

RaRaRozzzy 

Hey OP, would you consider posting some of what you guys translated here. I’m super curious! 

Shappicly-Shappo - OP

Of course! As long as it's okay with our darling translator!   

Tin_Of_Flowers

Go right ahead! 

R/BUpostgrad

u/Shappicly-Shappo

UPDATE: Translations!

I was asked to post some of the work u/Tin_Of_Flowers did for me. Before we got a bit distracted anyway. Below are some of my favorites so far! 

1217-Above

 Winning a gold medal can’t possibly be worth this. Fifteen hours of travel behind me and almost that many in front of me. English everywhere already.  And these fucking seats! Is this a strategy by the Canadians? Torment the Russians with air travel so severely that we all just dive out of the plane and Canada skates to easy victory?   And it might work yet if someone doesn’t stop eating onion rings during our layovers and crying while he jerks off in the shower. Yeah, I can see you reading this you fucking asshole. Maybe focus on making your passes for when we get to Canada yeah? 

1217-CAN

The air tastes different here. I don’t know how else to say it. I stepped out of the airport, and it felt so obvious how far away from home I am. I know it makes no sense, but I think the western air has pushed into me and Moscow has nowhere to go. Will only wait buried in my guts, curled around my liver maybe. God knows it could use the cushioning. Maybe once I’m back on Russian ground I can exhale. Or maybe I just need a fucking cigarette 

1217-Surrounded By Idiots

‘Oh, are you Russian?’ No! What told you that! Surely not the accent or the 23 Russian idiots on the bus behind me! 

1217-CAN

I want to be in the west. I know that. I know my future is here. Russia has nothing for my career. Father and Alexei want what playing in the west will bring them even though they call me a traitor for considering it. 

But how will I survive here with food that tastes like an imitation? With a language that feels like I'm speaking through rocks? With air that still won’t settle properly in my lungs? If I leave to play across the world will the little places mama used to take me still be there when I return? Are they even still there now, or is she disappearing every second I’m away? 

1217-CAN

I saw you watching me. Did you see me watching you? You must know that there is no way I won't walk away from this without a gold metal around my neck. I won't let it be possible. Father would not have it.

1217-CAN

You are going to be interesting, aren't you?

1216- CAN

They always put your name next to mine. Does it bother you to always be mentioned in the same breath as me? Yesterday it drove me crazy. It will certainly always bother my father. He believes I should stand alone and singular. The pride of our nation. A new glittering trophy, another metal for his uniform. 

But if you’re there with me, I'm not such an easy accomplishment for him to flaunt. Certainly not singular if they are talking about you all the way in Moscow.

Not such an impressive gemstone if there is a duplicate, I think. 

If anyone asks me in June, I'll give them what they want. I’ll call you a mediocre talent. I’ll pretend to be offended to be compared to you. Call you a goalie maybe, I think that one might actually piss you off. I'll say I hate you. I probably do. I hate how pretty English words sound coming out of your mouth. I hate the smattering of freckles on your cheeks and the way you smiled as you stared at my mouth. I hate that maybe I don’t mind being a little less pretty on father's shelf if it means I'll get I humiliate you on the ice.

You are going to be such sweet trouble for me, aren’t you? 

0117-CAN

God is this what it used to feel like to win? Before I surpassed everyone else back home? I realized I was bored but fuck but Jesus Christ. Is it always going to be like this with you? 

33⬆️11⬇️ 39💬

RaRaRozzzy

You know when I asked for these, I was expecting like grocery lists or complaints about his girlfriend. Not the anticipatory grief of knowing your home isn’t big enough for your future.

Fondofthefestivities 

Some pretty devastating stuff about his parental dynamics too.  Like the very casual way he refers to himself as a literal inanimate object???

heartbroken_cheesecake 

Imagine being this guy's teammate(??) being nosy and him casually letting you know that he heard you cry when you came. I'd have taken that whole plane down just to escape the embarrassment. 

sadlynontoxic46

Well considering how this guy feels about international travel he probably would have been grateful.

RaRaRozzzy

So, is anyone else getting that he is like half in love with this freckled person after meeting them once? I’m with op on the age thing. That is teenage behavior.  

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

I know this post is not really what this sub is for, but can I say how refreshing it is to see a post not about somebody's dreams getting crushed in real time because of the bureaucratic nightmare that is financial aid.

imhavingabadtime_0158

‘Father and Alexei want what playing in the west will bring them even though they call me a traitor for considering it.’ Is an uplifting nice read for you? 

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

When compared to looking at my student loan balance? That shit is basically Anne of Green Gables

vitamin_Cdeficiency 

‘You are going to be such sweet trouble for me aren’t you’ hoping you post more of these op! Can’t wait to see how this girl ruins the next two years of this guy’s life.

Notnakedstillafraid

It’s a cannon event we cannot interfere. Please god do NOT ask me how I know. 

Shappicly-Shappo - OP

Yeah, I thought that line was really interesting too. I’ll probably post them on tumblr here as we continue to work on them. Just don’t go back too far…. It is a very old account.  

imhavingabadtime_0158

How this girl ruins his life?? Are we reading the same post right now?

Chapter End Notes

This idea took up residence in my head in February and since then has redecorated and started a cute balcony garden. I had to write it before it got any ideas about remolding. I'm pretty sure that wall it's been eyeing is load bearing :)

Disclaimer I don't know Russian so I'm not sure if anything I've written as Ilyas journals would even make sense.

Chapter 2: 2

Chapter Notes

theskullonthemantel🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Oct. 20 2018

0618-Above

Father hasn't spoken to me since we boarded. I know that he is just angry that I'm going though with this. But what did he expect? Me to call it all off just before we passed through security? I have always known that he expected me to play in Russia; and I have always know that I couldn't do it.

He isn't even seated next to me. I see the edge of his shoulder a few rows ahead. Sometimes he shifts and I hear the scrap of his suit against the leather seat. I keep thinking he is going to turn around to berate me but all he does it ask the flight attendant for another drink.

Did he get us seated separately on purpose? Does he know that waiting for him to speak might be killing me?

He will speak to me again. I know he will. He'll see some tender spot in me that I can't hide from him. He will open his mouth and cut me with it as soon as I stop waiting for it. He always does.

0618- LA

Father still hasn't spoken to me. He speaks to the driver and the hotel staff and the waitress but never to me. Doesn't even let his eyes settle on me when I'm seated across from him at dinner. What does he even want from me? We are already here? I don't think I could back out of the draft now if I even wanted to.

And I don't. I just want him to speak to me. Isn't that funny? Spent my whole life running from every room he's in and bracing for impact when I couldn't make it out in time. And now what? I miss it? At least when he's cruel I know I exist to him at all.

0618-LA

Tomorrow. It's Tomorrow. Or today I guess now. I've known since I was twelve years old that this would be my year. Mine. None of the other noise matters. Not Father and his never ending silence. And certainly not that he is somewhere in this hotel. Is his room down the hall? The floor above or below me? Are his parents with him? If my father made the trip I'm sure his perfect parents did. I bet they couldn't shut up about how proud they are. In the morning I'm sure his mother will straighten his tie for him and wish him good luck.

But that doesn't matter. I'm going to beat him. This is my year. Everything I've worked starts here.

0618-LA

Two hours.

Will I feel like a new man after this?

I'd settle for just finally knowing where I'm going.

0618- LA

It went just as I thought it would. And god I saw you again. I thought about you, did you think about me?. Was I really so mixed up with my father that I almost forgot about how much I wanted to see your face pinched in bitter defeat again. Are you angry at me? For beating you again?

I hope so.

0618-LA

You weren't expecting me. Why would you have been? Midnight in the hotel gym after the biggest day in your career so far? I wasn't expecting you either. I thought Mr. Disciplined would have been in bed by 8:30 with his cloths for tomorrow picked out.

But there you were anyway. Did I think about you so much I summoned you? If so were you prize or punishment? Hours later and I'm still not sure. Watching you out of breath and gasping was surly a reward right? It had to be, pretty as you were trying not to look at me too closely and failing anyway.

On the other hand knowing that nothing could happen in this fucking hotel with our parents upstairs was practically self flagellation. My fingers still burn from where our hands brushed. It all felt too risky to think about any of it. Even for me. Even though I'm pretty sure you wanted me too.

So punishment then, for everyone I hurt with my recklessness.

None of that stops me from wanting. If I had ripped that stupid tight shirt off of you would I have found more freckles hiding away underneath? A sweet little present dotted across your shoulders or down your back. They would spell a constellation of temptation of for me I'm sure. Ursa Minor across your shoulder blade. My wanting a North Star.

#Russian Diary Translations #Writing #Journals #Translations #man this guy's father is a dick #I spy with my little eye #daddy issues #he is so obsessed with this freckles guy #like sir you are really caught up on him

Notes 86

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed

What would I like to drink? The early 2000s sad gay Russian journals are my favorite vintage thanks.

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot

I never have any idea what you're talking about but as your friend I'm asking you to develop one (1) single interest in something literally one other person cares about.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed

Now you know that's not going to happen.

theskullonthemantel

No longer accepting accusations that I only think with my dick. My wanting is just a North Star. Thank you for your patience during this transitional period.

Silent_onthehill🔁

When you're so desperate your horniness becomes a tool of celestial navigation. Truly a new low.

Theskullonthemantel🔁

My penis also only points true north. The metaphor stands. In more ways then one.

Boiling_Potato🔁

Careful, you might end up with a very confused Viking on your doorstep.

theskullonthemantel

Bold of you to assume that isn't my best case scenario

#Russian Diary Translation #Horny on main but it's your own journal #A truly relatable amount of down bad-ism #My dick the #North Star #please post more I'm begging for more of the # yearning diaries.

Silent_onthehill🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Oct 23 2018

1218-Above again

I don't know why I keep holding on to this thing. I go back home and the idea of writing in it makes me sick. I promise myself I'll throw it out somewhere on the way to the rink. Maybe I mean it this time. When I go home I'll finally toss it into the river. If all the pages smudge in the freezing water maybe it will be like I've never written any of it at all. I know I won't though, I tried already. I try to get rid it, I almost do, but then I think of mama writing in her journals. She would sit at the kitchen table morning sun shining through the window. I used to sit by her sometimes after breakfast. On the weekends when father and Alexei had already left and I didn't have anywhere to be yet. My fingers sticky with syrup, powdered sugar still on my lips.

I still have her journals siting in a box in my closet. In the corner where I put all the things I can't get rid of but can't look at either. It's where I kept this before shoving it into my bag fifteen minutes before I had to leave for the airport.

1218-This shit again

How does it feel even more important this time around? It shouldn't. There are no more scouts to impress. This is the victory lap. One more gold for the road. Next year I will be living in America. I'll be rich and famous and successful. And none of this will have mattered except as a path to Boston.

Then why do I fucking care so much about beating you?

1218-Ott

It's going to be us in the final again. The commentary is starting to hit a fever pitch. Father has called three times to ensure that I know how important it is that I do not embarrass him. Everyone is thinking of this as some preview of what we are going to be like next year.

Everywhere I look in the fucking city I see you. 'hometown hero' is what they call you. Your face on posters, your name spoken from the cashiers when I buy shitty cigarettes. My name usually follows. Far behind. When they stop singing your praises. I'm just the evil Russian who stole the perfect Canadian good boy's golden metal last year.

You better be ready for it to happen again.

1218-Ott

Somethings wrong with Father.

0118-Can.

There is really something wrong with father. I'm not sure he remembered the conversation we had yesterday. I'm not sure if he knew I was in Canada at all. Alexei doesn't think anything's wrong. But when does he think about anything that isn't coke in his nose and asking me for more fucking money?

0118-Fuck

I could say it was a close game. It was. I could say that our defense needed a little work. It did. I could say that we were fucking tired from being in this fucking country trying to speak the stupidest language on the planet.

But that wouldn't change that I lost. To you. I've disappointed father. Let Russia down at my last chance for years to make them proud. All this when I'm already a traitor. I wonder if people will ask him how he can stand to be my father. I wonder if he will even be willing to show his face tomorrow.

And the worst part is that behind the disappointment, under the shame of letting father down. It almost felt good to lose to you. Someone finally beat me at my best. We were at the edge of the cliff, scrapping to reach the top and the edge crumbled beneath me. There you stood at the top gold metal around your neck as I fell. Couldn't let me pull too far ahead could you? Had to make sure we stay neck after the draft this summer didn't you?

I'll see you in October.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translation #Writing #Journals #what is this guys dads problem #seriously #oh just the crushing weight of representing your county combined with the realities of you father being a asshole #the guide on making sure your child needs therapy was written by this guys dad apparently #please sir I'd like to give you a hug #Second place is still really good actually!

Notes 225

r/PublishedJournals

U/Escape_the_Inferno

Does anyone know if these Russian Diaries are real?

These posts claiming to be the translations of some anonymous Russian dairies have been making the rounds on tumblr (you can read them here). Does anybody know if these are real? The person posting is (obviously) claiming that they are but it seems pretty farfetched to me. Does this style of writing seem really recognizable? I have to wonder if this person is just posting some little-known journals and they are just claiming that they are translating them. I would really love to enjoy them but the I can't shake the idea that it's all fake or worst plagiarism.

255⬆️468⬇️53💬

barking_up_that_tree

No you're right to wonder, there is no way this is real.

sinkingnotswimming

Where's your whimsy. Of course the dramatic journals of a tragic gay athlete are real!

Packofrabbiddogs

I know you're joking but unfortunately dramatically agonizing for years(?) over a cute guy is gay people behavior.

I'mtwentysevenyearsold

I saw these going around too! I've read a lot of modern and historical published journals, and these don't ring any bells. The writing style also doesn't seem to be particularly distinctive, or if it is I don't recognize it. I think the reason it might ring fake to people is because the author is being deliberately vague about some things. Like he won't even date the entries. I wonder if the person posting them could be editing things out for privacy purposes but I kind of think it might be the writer himself. He seems they type honestly. That doesn't rule out that this whole thing could be fake, but I don't know. I guess I just choose to believe it's real!

Cents_Not_Centsible

I agree with you. People on here are so negative. I don't think any of the work is stolen and even if it's all fake, I'm having a good time reading them!

imhavingabadtime_0158

I'm actually a regular on r/BUpostgrad where u/Shappically_Shappo originally posted looking for someone to help her translate these decades old handwritten journals that she got from her work. u/Tin_of_Flowers is the one doing the translating and they seemed to have connected through that sub so I'm kind of inclined to believe they are actually translating real journals?

barking_up_that_tree

Just went and found the post you are talking about and I'm sorry this is giving a very elaborate way to try get traction for their novel.

Metrosdynastyincoming

Okay but seriously. You people are so gullible. The posts are SOOO obviously their Rozanov/Hollander fanfiction. Like come on people?? The Russian athlete obsessed with his Canadian freckled rival? They are not even trying to hide it?

Chapter End Notes

In my head the first time Grigori talks directly to Ilya in LA is when he tells him off after he’s been drafted. Parents like that really will just do what they know will hurt you most.

I rewrote the entry about gym scene like four times before I actually just couldn’t look at it anymore. I find it a lot easier to kind if play fill in the blanks with all the things we don’t see in the show but obviously Ilya would have written about that after it happened so.

Thanks for reading!

Chapter 3: 3

Chapter Notes

Theskullonthemantel 🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Oct. 26 2018

0518- Purgatory probably

It feels strange to be leaving home alone. Most times I left the country I was surrounded by teammates, coaching staff, and even some of the other guys parents who had the time or money to come with us. When I flew out for the draft I felt father's presents looming over me every moment. I was catching his shadow in the corner of my eye even when I knew he wasn't there. But this is different. I'm….all alone. I bought my own ticket, arranged for my things to be shipped to my new place in Boston. Even called my own cab to take me to the airport. Father of course did not offer to take me and Alexei was too busy fulfilling every drug addict dead beat father stereotype to even realize my flight was today.

Though, this morning I wasn't sure if father realized I was leaving either. I'm not sure it even occurred to him. Or maybe he just didn't deem it noteworthy enough to acknowledge.

I don't understand why leaving has felt so difficult suddenly. I've known I'd leave Moscow since it become obvious I wasn't some adolescent hobbyist with delusions of a grand future in the America. I've known I was going to Boston for almost a year now. None of this has been a surprise, just the obvious conclusion to more than a decade of investment.

But on the way to the airport I passed the park mama used to take me to when I was young. I caught a glimpse of the bench she would sit at while we played. They used to set up an rink there around new years. The memories are so foggy now and blurred around the edges but I remember feeling like I was flying across the ice as Alexei chased me. I'm sure I wasn't actually fast enough to give him much trouble but it never felt like it was just him humoring his idiot kid brother. We used to go skating together all the time before everyone got so uptight about me injuring myself messing around and missing out on practice time. I remember crashing into Alexei's legs once in that park too excited about something to stop properly. We ended up a mess of limbs on the ice by mama's feet, our faces red and wind bitten but unable to stop grinning. We had laughed and laughed while mama de-tangled us, trying to fight her own smile as she check us over for scrapes and bruises.

We had loved each other once I think, Alexei and me. How did it become like this between us?

I don't know why I'm thinking about that park now. Mentally my bags have been packed since the second I was drafted. This hasn't been home since Mama died. Alexei hasn't been that boy since even before then. So why does it feel like I'm leaving behind everything and nothing all at once?

0518-BOS

Boston is…strange. My apartment is strange. Quiet I guess. I still find myself always listening for fathers footsteps even though I know he is thousands of miles away.

I wish I spent more time learning English before I left. Everybody sounds so different then the tutor I worked with. She had been American, but always spoke clearly and focused on annunciation while working with me. She hadn't really had an accent I don't think. I mean she had an American accent obviously but not whatever the hell is going on with some of the people here. Every time I try to talk to anyone I feel like I'm drowning before they finish their first sentence. It's even worst when I try to speak back. I'm such a fucking idiot in English. Sasha tried to help me with it before he jumped at the chance to move to Paris the second he turned 18. I can't say I blame him, haven't I done the same thing? Besides it's not like we spent much of our time talking. Not with or words anyway, and certainly not in English.

0518 -BOS

Twenty one! What the fuck do you mean twenty one? Seriously!? I mean I had heard but they actually enforce that? I thought it was just something in the movies me and Sveta used to pirate. I think it might be a problem for my visa if I get caught with a fake ID, not to mention that management would loose their shit about it. Am I really not going to be able to drink in this fucking country for more than two years?? Hell. At least I can still buy cigarettes in this backwards city. If I couldn't I think I'd probably lose my mind.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #homesickness #I'm longing for home just reading this #The complicated relationship between a man and his coked out brother(?) #understandable crash outs about United States drinking laws #oh that is a cigarette addiction I think. #New characters alert #Who the hell is Sveta #Who the hell is Sasha.

Notes 186

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

I…I should call my brother I think #russiandiaries

raisedfromperdition 🔁

 So who do we think Sasha is. Ex Girlfriend maybe? Are we dealing with a bisexual king?

theskullonthemantel 🔁

When your name is Jared you're 19 and you never fucking learned how to read.

raisedfromperdition 🔁

What?

theskullonthemantel 🔁

Media literacy is dead. Just regular literacy is dead. My brother in Christ he literately says he three times. Sasha is a MAN. In all the entries so far we have only gotten him talking about men. It's pretty clear this is a gay man.

raisedfromperdition 🔁

 Okay I reread it and your right. But even with no evidence I am still catching the Bi vibe. Can you have a head cannon about a journal??

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #New character alert #who the hell is Sasha #Sasha is a man #that is not the question. #Bi Vibes #and not just because I'm Bi and hate english #though honestly he's really relatable

Notes 43

r/TheRussianDiaries

u/Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Welcome to the Russian Diaries Sub!

What it says on the tin! this sub was created for the discussion of the anonymous diaries originally posted by iknowthisaboutmyself on tumblr. For those of us who prefer not to read new entries as they come out on Tumblr they will be posted here with permission to a dedicated thread. Please see community info a more in depth read of this subs rules but in general just don't be a dick people! Happy translating folks!

12⬆️1⬇️15💬

onfathersshelf

So excited for this! I'm not really a tumblr girlie. Nice to have my new niche obsession on my app of choice.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

A great place for the six of us on reddit who don't think this whole thing is a fake! Or maybe a support group while we wait for her to post more entries. Like I knowww they are both grad students and busy but pleaseeeeeeee.

Shappicly_Shappo

I know I'm sorry! This semester is already kicking both our asses. Tin_of_flowers should have more time soon and she is planning on getting through a bunch of them this weekend the hero she is!

onfathersshelf

Oh my god, a celebrity!

Shappicly_Shappo

Oh my god no. If anything Tin_of_Flowers is the only celebrity. She slaves away and I just add more red string to my cork board scrounging for any detail about our dear Russian anon.

raisedfromperdition 🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 3 2018

0618 - BOS

I'm more worried about father than ever before. Maybe because he's so far away. I wish I could have convinced him to go see a doctor before I left. It's even harder to get through to him now and god knows Alexei is in even deeper denial than before I left that anything is wrong at all.

0618

Went on some tour of historical Boston today. The assistant of some higher up gave me tickets. I think she thought it would help me feel settled in. To 'get to know' the city. When the guide realized I was new to the city she went on and on about how lucky I was to have moved to such a great city with so much history.

So much history? Boston is a child compared to Moscow. An infant really. Alike just enough that I feel the ache for the real thing. They talk about a church I should visit that has been there for two hundred years. Only two hundred years? I have have prayed in cathedrals where more than six centuries of pleas still linger. Sorrow is written into the layers of the earth there, pressed in some lost language into the bedrock. When I imagine the beginning, I think Moscow took its first breath just after creation. The first brick being laid on the seventh day while god rested.

It's not that I don't like this city. I do like it I think. There is good food. My apartment isn't bad. Met a few of my new teammates that are around for the summer and I don't mind them. The women are pretty and fun and often pleased with my flirting. I think it will be home someday, hopefully for a long time. But it feels like a tree with large branches reaching into the sky but it's without enough roots to keep it steady. Like a storm will blow in suddenly and uproot it. Or maybe the city isn't really the problem. Maybe it'sjust me like it always is. Maybe I've carved every root from myself and I can feel the winds picking up.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #homesickness #Man really said OLD #I'll show you OLD #I'm sensing some #complicated religious feelings? #Is saying your hometown was build on the 7th day blasphemous #I'm not religious how would I know!

Notes 199

raisedfromperdition

Bisexual confirmed! And all you bitches doubted me. Said he only mentioned men but I always know when I'm reading the deep inner thoughts of a fellow Bi slut with daddy issues.

theskullonthemantel🔁

That was me and you know that. There is like 12 people in this fandom. We are the 12 apostles if they were gayer , more annoying, and no one cared about what they had to say. You have to stop acting like there was some witch hunt.

raisedfromperdition 🔁

Someone sounds bitter they were wrong

faethinfigueroth🔁

 Damn in-fighting already. Are we really the fucked up 12 apostles of the anonymous Russian diaries? If so I claim Peter.

Silent_onthehill🔁

 Is anon Jesus in this scenario?

faethinfigueroth🔁

No he's god obviously. iknowthisaboutmyself is Jesus.

iknowthisaboutmyself

I do not like the implications if I'm Jesus here. One of you better not betray me and get me nailed to a cross or I swear to anon!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #A win for Bisexuals everywhere #Gay and chronically online apostles of the round table # or whatever the fuck they were #I told you guys I wasn't religious

Notes 81

R/therussiandiaries

u/Cents_Not_Centsible

So what do we think the time line is?

We know from Shappically_Shappo that the diaries were stored for at least ten years before she got them and that the entries end at 26 in the last journal. So assuming the second digit is his age at the time the entry was written (not confirmed but what else could it be) then the latest the first entry could have been written was what 2000? Has anybody noticed anything in the entries that narrows that down at all.

24⬆️3⬇️18💬

onfathersshelf

I haven't seen anything really but the mid to late 90's feels like the most we can narrow it down. We get mentions of a lot of international calls which would have been really expensive at the time but not uncommon. Also this guy is a professional athlete so I'm thinking he wouldn't have a problem affording it.

Onlythree_lemons

With a brother who he keeps giving money for drugs I don't think his number one money concern is the price of international calls tbh.

imhavingabadtime_0158

I haven't seen anything honestly that proves or disproves the late 90's theory. It's not that surprising considering most of his entries seem to be him trying to get a handle any of his feelings. Like we are not exactly getting like a play by play of his day that would give us a better idea of when he was writing it.

northstar_dick

I have nothing to add to the timeline discussion but I'm using this as an excuse to imagine our anon with frosted tips.

Onlythree_lemons

Oh my god anon could have been written 'When I imagine the beginning, I think Moscow took its first breath just after creation. The first brick being laid on the seventh day while god rested.' with a butt cut?? This changes everything.

andmyass42

Wait when did we decide that the diaries had been in storage for ten years? Did I miss something?

Silent_onthehill🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 5 2018

0618

Got lost in the city today. Apparently they only announce anything on the T in dead languages. There is no way that was english. Maybe they are trying to draw in confused travelers so displaced nature sprits can feast. Must have to innovate in modern era I don't think there are any bogs in New England.

0618

I ended up in the fucking suburbs. How the hell does this keep happening to me. Am I bad with directions?

0619

Happy Birthday, to me I guess. Was surprised to get a call from Alexei, became less surprising when I realized he only called to demand more money. I gave it to him, I always give it to him. I wish I knew how to say no. I wish the money would make him kinder, but maybe he not even capable of pretending to be kind anymore. At least not for my sake.

No call from father, but can I even blame him for that? It's so unclear what he remembers. Some days it seems like nothings changed and some days it's clear he's confused and doesn't understand why. Does he know what day it is today or did he think I haven't earned the right to speak with him? I'm not sure which one I'd prefer.

I don't know what to expect with all this. I have no idea how fast these things progress.I don't even really know how long its been going on. Could it have been happening just under my nose for years and I just didn't notice? Am I that self absorbed? Probably.

Tying to read up on anything just makes it feel all to real. I shouldn't let it bother me. Should focus on things that I can control. The season hasn't even started yet and already so many distractions.

Maybe this is all some karmic judgment. It's not like I'm under any disillusions about what kind of man he is. He's mean spirited, cruel to a fault, and careless in his ambition. Easily corruptible too, but that is a quality a lot Russian police share. At least ones that share my name anyway. Worse I think he likes destruction even more than the power he gets from the destroying. I've wondered for a long time if he just enjoys killing beautiful things.

Alexei grew a small plant in the window sill when we were young. Rosemary, for school I think, father never would have allowed him otherwise. He brought a cutting home one afternoon, with a little pot and a small bag of soil. I remember him tending to it everyday as it took root, pressing his fingers into the soil to make sure it stayed damp. Mama lifted me on the counter a couple weeks in and the three of us whispered over it like it was a sacred precious thing. Giggling at the possibilities. She said that after it grew strong she would pinch off some and sprinkle it on our dinner. Alexei had grinned at that, 11 years old with chubby cheeks, missing teeth in his wide smile. It grew so well and he was so proud of it. For weeks he talked near constantly about how he would use his garnish when it was ready. His grade was perfect I'm sure, with how that little plant thrived on our window sill.

I'll never forget how much he cried when father made him smash it. Shards of terracotta in the alley outside our home, chunks of roots and rosemary leaves spread in a radius around the point of impact. Father told me he was learning an important lesson, and that's why he wasn't allowed back inside until he could explain why it was important without crying. Mama put me to bed before he came back inside, it could have taken all night for all I know. I wonder sometimes what the lesson was. I don't think I've saw him cry again, not even when mama died.

Was mama just another plant on the window sill? Is that is why father married her in the first place? Why else would he even want someone that much younger then him. Did he enjoy it as she fell apart under the pressure? Was it some fucked up entertainment for him to watch as she slowly disappeared? Withering away over months and years, a prize rose he would give just enough sun to survive until a winter too harsh stole her away forever. Was she just another pretty trophy for him until she became an inconvenient memory?

Maybe all of this is his penance for destroying soft and gentle things . For seeing something vulnerable and thinking pain will give it endurance. For setting fire to things he was supposed to protect. Maybe he deserves to slowly lose his mind. To become like the things he's spent his life ruining. Even if its some divine justice for his sins I can't take pleasure in his suffering, I'm not like him in that way I guess. He is still my father. When he stumbles over something he should know, when he asks me to bring home bread even though I'm thousands of miles away I feel unearthed. Like something deep in the ground has shifted, fractured in a way that can't be repaired. Weakness on him looks wrong. Like a broken bone that healed badly. An elbow that bends too far back.

How will I be punished for my sins when the time comes? I just hope it's not the same as him. Or if it is, I hope for father's sake and mine that there is some peace in loosing your mind.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations # We took a harsh turn at foreigner shenanigans right into # descriptions of child abuse. #Stop now I feel bad for #Alexei #Get this man a rosemary plant STAT

Notes 223

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

Starting a go fund me so I can go to Russia and kick the ass of ever old man with dementia that has a son named Alexei.

I'll be your getaway car @onlybadchoices_05

Drop the link. I'd donate

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot

Please don't encourage her. She might actually do it.

r/therussiandiaries

u/onlythree_lemons - 22hr

Themes of shame in the newest update

I think its interesting that anon seems be dealing with some pretty serious feelings of shame, but never surrounding his sexuality. We read about his wondering if his fathers illness is divine justice and wondering if he will pay for his 'sins' someday. But the qualities he seems…

u/ imhavingabadtime_0158 - 1d

Change in the entry titles

Has anyone else noticed that anon has stopped describing the city or country in some of his posts? Reading them it kind of seems like he's dropping them for anything in Boston? A sign that he is starting to think of Boston as home maybe?

u/onlythree_lemons -1d

Alexei and the latest update - 1d

I know its easy vilify Alexei based on what what we have learned about his relationship with anon, and to be clear I think it's pretty clear he's taking advantage of him, but what anon described in the latest update was clearly child abuse. I think it adds some perspective about…

u/ onpapasshelf - 3d

The crash out about the drinking age is still sending me.

Like completely loosing it over a law you knew about because you thought there was no way anyone took it seriously is so funny to me. Like my guy what did you expect?

faethinfigueroth🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 8 2018

0619

I didn't think they would really listen to me! I'm an idiot. I'm the brute you put on skates and demand a performance from. When you ask a dumb ass if he has any 'input' about some promotional shoot you are not supposed to listen when he suggests we do it with his fucking rival. Smart people are not supposed to listen to me! Let alone follow through on arranging it.

But this means I won't have to wait until the season to see him again. The sooner I can get him out of my system the better. Wanting him will only be a distraction. If the coverage is anything to go by it's going to be intense between us. We should just get whatever this is out of the way before the pressure gets turned up.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Better to find out if he actually wants me first. But let's be honest here, who wouldn't?

0619-Why is it always Canada?

9:00. I knew you wanted me too. Flushed and pretty in the shower trying to pretend you weren't getting hard for me. Just a few looks and that was all it took? 9:00. I won't be late. Or only by a few minutes, but just to keep you on your toes. I promise. Nothing could keep me from 1410.

0619-TO

What are you? A witch? A fae? A Osenya? Who designed you so perfectly to ensnare and bewitch me? Folding your cloths as you undressed for me. So eager but setting your things aside with a sort of mindless tidiness. I'm still thinking about your mouth, your gasps, the taste of you in the back of my throat. It burns where you gripped me, an invisible brand in the shape of your hand. I probably would follow you into some never ending forest, starving in the single-mindedness of my pursuit.

I was supposed to be done with you after this. Sated and satisfied. Out of my system, a particularly hard to reach itch scratched. The easiest of my distractions taken care of before the season starts.

That how it usually is. Like with that red head I fucked not two nights ago. She had her hair tied up and a bit of lip stick on her teeth. Was a student or something. She was not in the mood for much talking, and I was didn't mind being her Saturday night distraction. I'm very good like that. I had wanted her when I saw her sitting there, nice eyes and a clever looking mouth. It was a nice night but I would never have thought about her again if not for the sake of comparison now.

You are different than her. You are somehow different from all of them. You are still lingering, burned in the back of my eye lids.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #tag yourself are you #witch #Fae or #Osenya #when you are so hot you got a guy reminiscing about the taste of your and I'm #sorry to tag this but #cum

Chapter End Notes

Entering into pretty big head cannon territory but I just find the sibling dynamic between Ilya and Alexei so interesting. Like obviously Alexei is an asshole but they grew up in the same house so why did the turn out so differently? A question I’ve been asking in real life a lot lately.
As for the timeline I’m kind of assuming that after the draft Ilya and Shane both were sent back to their junior teams for a year before their rookie season and that Ilya moves to Boston the summer before (I decided in May specifically). I’m assuming there isn’t more info about that in the book but I wouldn’t really know because I haven’t done a super close reading of it. Sadly I’m much more of an audio book person and couldn’t get through the one available.
Anyway thanks so much for reading!

Chapter 4: 4

Chapter Notes

r/therussiandiaries

u/ Cents_Not_Centsible

Identity Speculation

My Top Predictions for the identity of our anon.

1.) Nikolai Rybnikov. Drafted to the Raiders in 1998 and played for them until he sadly passed away in 2008. There's not a lot publicly know about his family but he did mention during an interview in 99' that his mother died when he was young. And get this! He had this pretty intense Friendship/Rivalry thing with Metros Forward James McGoff who back in the day was a very cute freckled redhead. And he's from Ottawa by the way!

2.) Viktor Markin. Drafted to the raiders in 1992 and played for them until he was traded to the Admirals in 1995 where he played for the rest of his career. He didn't have any noteworthy rivalries but that doesn't mean that nothing more was going on a just a bit behind the scenes.

3.) Aleksandr Morozov. Was drafted to the Raiders in 1990 and played with them until he sustained a career ending injury in 1994. He was known to be a huge smart ass and had several intense beefs most notably with a few different Metros. I have ranked him second to last because I think he might be a bit too early to be our anon but he had this really thick mustache and I like to imagine our anon with one while he yearns for his freckled Canadian hottie in his journal.

4.) and last and certainly least Ilya Rozanov. Completely a joke of course because he would have been what 9 at the oldest when the diaries were written but the idea makes me laugh so hard. Like he's one of my boys now that he blew up his career and came to my flop team but still. Can you imagine Ilya ROZANOV saying "I'm still thinking about your mouth, your gasps, the taste of you in the back of my throat. It burns where you gripped me, an invisible brand in the shape of your hand." because every time I think about it I could almost burst out laughing.

A little note about all of these. There has always been team rivalries between Boston and various other teams in the league. So how much of what anon is experiencing is a direct rivalry or if it's just the result of them being important players on their respective teams in unclear. Knowing that though, my money is still on Nikolia Rybnikov. Watching old games of his, something really intense was going on with him and McGoff.

24⬆️36⬇️16💬

onfathersshelf

Why are these all hockey players?. I thought he was just some nondescript professional athlete.

Cents_Not_Centsible-OP

I mean he never says hockey specifically but there are some clues. He talks about being a part of a draft in June. That narrows it down to the basketball or hockey right away. In his first entities he mention him and his whole team being in Canada for a tournament of some kind in late December to early January. That lines up with the World Juniors. He also mentions being on the ice a lot with his family. Would be a pretty typical memory for a professional hockey player to have. Most of those guys have been skating since they were very very young. Not as typical for a basketball player but I suppose still possible. The biggest clue is that he refers to himself as a 'brute on skates'. There is no way he is not a Hockey player

onfathersshelf

Damn okay! I don't really follow any sports at all so all of that went straight over my head tbh.

Losingtheinvite

I don't know how I feel about us speculating about the actual identity of anon. Like ultimately he didn't choose for us to be able to read these. And listen I'm not going to stop reading them because of that but maybe we don't speculate on the identity of a closeted Russian queer person?

Hollygetshattricks

Listen I understand where your coming from and I always engage with these in good faith because its more fun but there is actually no way these actually belong to a real hockey player. Like an overly concussed guy in a hyper masculine traditional sport is writing longing diary entries about another player? And then would be stupid enough to lose them? Like it's made up. I don't think iknowthisaboutmyself is making them up or anything but it was probably some weird exercise by an amateur writer trying a new style. That would explain why they didn't care when they lost them in a move right?

onfathersshelf

BOOOOOOOO!!!

Hollygetshattricks

Okay okay I'm back to suspending my disbelief!

Onlythree_lemons

I don't disagree with your conclusion about Rozanov op the timelines just don't match up but I wouldn't write Roz off as a secret poet yet. I mean man is well know to have the most creative chirps in the league. Maybe there is a secret sad boy underneath all that annoying bravo and smugness!

Cents_Not_Centsible-OP

Yeah and Troy Barrett isn't a complete asshole! Seriously though I've followed Roz since he was drafted (he may be be annoying but he plays BEAUTIFUL hockey) and that is a guy who is exactly as he seems

andmyass42

I know this is all for fun but speculating about Nikolai Rybnikov is in really bad taste OP.

Confused_Pears

What is so wrong with talking about a guy that's been dead for ten years?

andmyass42

There's some pretty substantial rumors that the accident that Rybnikov died in was actually suicide and that the Raiders put in a lot of effort to make sure it was reported on in a certain way. They had really started to build their marketing around him and he'd only been made captain the season prior so you can see why they might want all of that covered up. There already has been a lot of speculation about his life and even more about his death. Like at this point I think we should just let him rest in peace you know.

Confused_Pears

YIKES

Cents_Not_Centsible-OP

Not me being called out by user andmyass42.

raisedfromperdition 🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 8 2018

0719

I'm not writing in this anymore it's stupid.

1019

They don't tell you about the monotony. You think it's all ice time and winning and snorting mysterious substances off the sweaty breasts of strangers. I mean I did that last one but that was in Russia before all this, so not sure it counts. No one wants to talk about the sameness, the never ending routine. The flight or the bus then the home games and then all of it over again. Or if they did I didn't listen. Typical of me. I'm busy enough now I almost can't think but not busy enough that I get any peace. Somehow the stakes are so much higher now. Not living up to expectations feels like a one way ticket back to Russia. I can't go back . I just can't. Not to stay. I don't think I would survive it.

It's all so much more intense then before. It makes sense. I'm much more expensive now. I'm told to track me sleep, my intake, my exercise. I've had four separate meetings about my cigarettes. They speak quickly about lung capacity and long term effects. I know I'm not the only one on the team that smokes, I have to wonder if these sermons ever work or if they just want to say they tried. Trainers with names like Adam or Colin, or Dan critique my form as I exercise. They make adjustments quick hands moving over me not bothering to ask before they touch me. They use words like alignment and I pretended not to have to look up it up after. Everything I eat is packaged in cold professional containers. Chicken breasts for dinner and bland oatmeal in the morning before practice. My meals are planned by a dietitian named Kelly, or Samantha, or Chelsey. Their hair the same shade, faces moving in the same way, same stilted language coming out of their mouths. All these people blend together, some amorphous cacophony of voices and unfamiliar faces all combined in their dedication to getting the greatest return on investment. A rat king of demands disguised as advise.

I'm paraded in front of doctors who assess me with a sort of academic interest. Sometimes they talk as though I'm not there, assuming I guess that I wouldn't understand or care what they are saying. They are mostly right about the first, I wish they were about the second. If they could I wonder if they would pin me up like a delicate dead insect to examine. Like a dead frog being prepared for dissection. If I could still play after I wonder if they would cut into me, splitting my rib cage apart so they could watch the expansion of my lungs. If they would take notes about the raw beating of my heart and the fact that I still posses my appendix.

They examine me and see a body. A bmi, a metric. A very expensive investment, god they pay me too much fucking money. They see food as protein and carb, not the smell of stew simmering and a bowl with a chipped lip. Father gone so things can be out of place just a little. Rolls that didn't rise all the way in our drafty apartment, a bit dense in the middle.

I did not know how it would feel to hear your own clog click into the ancient machine, rusted with the weight of expectations and needing the oil of success not yet achieved.

1019 -FL

Am I so fucking ungrateful that I'll complain about being successful? For having people care about the longevity of my career? God writing in this thing make me such a whiny bitch. I'm fucking done with it

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Bringing me back to middle school biology #get my man a translator DAMN #also don't fucking touch him without asking #Personal Trainer Shade #Dietitian shade #Kinda misogynistic vibes about the dietitian but okay. #In his defense ever nutritional sciences major I knew in undergrad was the worst person I had ever met.

Notes 220

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

Hey Dan what if I killed you. Hey Adam what if I killed you. Hey Colin what if I killed you. #russiandiaries

Dan A.Collin @D.A.CTraining

Jesus Christ dude what did I even do to you

raisedfromperdition

Let my man have his fucking cigarettes. God It's like people are not allowed to have vices anymore.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Isn't it his doctors literal job to tell him to tell him about the long term effects they have on his health?

raisedfromperdition 🔁

Not you defending the people who made him feel like he was being prepared for dissection. I'm begging you to think about the context.

theskullonthemantel🔁

The context? How would you understand the context if you can't read?

raisedfromperdition 🔁

It was ONE TIME. I was tired. It had been a long day. I just mixed up some pronouns. And may I remind you that I was RIGHT about the Bisexual thing.

theskullonthemantel🔁

 Okay Lea Michele

Silent_onthehill🔁

Mom dad Paul and Peter are fighting again.

faethinfigueroth🔁

Since when is someone else Peter. I claimed him. He's like the gayest one!

9'sleatherjacket

Sorry but insisting you're Peter is sadly major James the Less behavior

faethinfigueroth🔁

Who?

9'sleatherjacket

Exactly. Not even the most important James tbh

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lea Michele #the 12 apostles #but more annoying #reading these journals like they are the new testament #like it's Mathew Mark Luke and John bitch

Notes 105

theskullonthemantel🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 11 2018

1119- MTL

I thought I could convince myself I didn't even want him. His attention, his body, that look on his face when I beat him. I've never been honest, but I think this level of denial might even be new to me.I wonder if he feels that way about me. If he's out celebrating his win with his team and wondering about my hotel room when he should be thinking about all the beautiful women who want to fuck him. Wishing like I am that he had a way to get into contact with me. Was his mind wandering back to that hotel room in Toronto as we approached the face off? Probably not, he's the paragon of professionalism after all. So boring it's a wonder that I want him at all.

If Sveta knew how much of an idiot I was being about this she'd fly here herself. She would scold me about choosing the worst riskiest option. Wanting him is such a bad idea, an even bigger risk than I think he truly realizes. Then why don't I just stop? For the both of our sakes I should. The way I'm chasing the feeling of his eyes following me feels like we are teetering on the edge of addiction. Maybe I'm more like Alexei then I want to admit.

Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. How could it have? So many cameras, so many people watching us. No chances to even slip in a suggestion of anything. None of it stops me from wanting him so much I could choke.

0119

I hate today. How does the world keep moving like she never mattered? I say hello and smile at the older woman who lives two doors down from me when we are both in the elevator. I ask her if she's doing anything fun this weekend and she gushes about her infant grandson who's visiting. A waitress asks me how my days been and I have to say it's been great how about yours? I'll make plans with some of the guys tonight and pretend that I'm unbothered. That I want to drink and fuck and do something reckless. The world ended today seven years ago but no one but me knows. She died and the man that just watched it happen, who pushed her right up the to edge and waited, will die not knowing what he's done.

Mama died today and what? I have to go play a game tonight? It's not fair that I'm the only one the carries her memory properly. Alexei doesn't care to think of her, Father probably doesn't even remember she's dead most days, and I'll never be able to forget. What a fucked family we make.

0119-I'm really done with this. If I burn it with salt and drown the ashes will it finally stop haunting me?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #the art of pretending you are super okay and being angry when people don't know you aren't #I'm very familiar with the practice #Therapy #Therapy NOW #Helps when you have to go do your job on the anniversary of like the worst day of your life #not that I would know ha

Notes 263

DarcyHandFlexes

Dissection this, obsessed with freckles that. But have any of you scrolled back on iknowthisaboutmyselfs blog and found her old Homestuck fanfics. Now there's the masterpiece.

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

I thought I deleted that!! Oh my god not my davekat Fanfics being the nails you use to crucify me. Judas you would betray the son of man with a kiss? Just had to google that tbh. Fellas when were you gonna tell me the bible was pretty gay?

Silent_onthehill🔁

We have BEEN telling you.

faethinfigueroth🔁

Jesus hath spoken. The Betrayer Chosen!

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

If the shoe fits! I'll always turn a bitch over to the temple guards (expose your homestuck fanfic) for 30 silver pieces (attention on the internet).

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Judas #davekat #homestuck #oh my god I'm embarrassed

Notes 305

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot

That Russian guy is so relatable. I too have personified my inanimate objects so much that I have to tell my diary I won't be writing in it anymore.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

Oh so your into the #russiandiaries now? what happened to don't go to Russia to punch old men?

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot

I can enjoy tragic gay yearning and still know that is a horrible idea. You are GAY and very BROKE and also WEAK.

tryingnottoblink

The dichotomy of saying (twice) that you are not going to write in your journal again and then taking it with you to play the rival you slept with the last time you saw him

Silent_onthehill🔁

He said I'm never writing in this thing again. I'm going to burn it and drown the ashes. Oh oops I'm packing it in my bag. I'm taking it on the plane. I'm pulling it out thinking about how I want him so bad. But I'm serious. I'm not going to write in it!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #sir no one believes in your convictions

Notes 42

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov 16 2018

0219-A.S

Why did you do it? Was it obvious? That I couldn't string together what that reporter was saying? Or do you just somehow know me well enough to know that I was struggling? That is worse I think. If you can see through me then you know there is nothing under the surface.

0219-A.S

You couldn't let me hold that record for more then a minute could you? The look on your face after you broke it, I couldn't tell if I wanted to punch you or kiss you. Maybe I want to bait you into hitting me first and then kiss you until you can't breath. The slid of our mouths slick with my blood; the taste of copper proving that you cared enough to be angry. Is it bad that I'd still want to suck your dick even with a split lip? Fuck maybe there is something wrong with me.

Am I just frustrated by you or is this what fascination feels like? It's probably both the way you bring out my most reckless instincts without even trying. Trying to bait you on the bench surround by cameras. I told you my fucking room number with that fucking geriatric bastard next to you. Did he hear me? Do I care if he did? Probably not his hearing aids weren’t in.

I don't even know if you'll come to my room. I couldn't wait around to see your reaction. It was such a bad idea, before my brain could really catch up with my mouth I was telling you I was going to have a quiet night in. What the fuck? I should be out picking up some wanna be country music star. I don't think I've ever fucked a girl in cowboy boots before, I don't have may firsts left at this point. Rare opportunity. But instead I'm waiting in my hotel room for a pretty boy who probably won't show. You are so much more sensible then me, how I convinced you to tell me your room number last time is a fucking mystery.

0219-A.S

You came. Can you not see how bad of an idea that was? You came rushing in so angry with me. Thirty seconds waiting in the hallway got you so worked up. It makes me wonder what you would look like as you squirmed, desperate and begging maybe. I want to memorize every sound it’s possible for you to make. I'll want to catalog them. Press your moans in between slides of glass and look at them under a microscope. Maybe then I'd finally understand why it still wasn't enough tonight. Why I still want you this much after a repeat performance. Is it because I haven't fucked you yet? If so our meet up in two week should finally fix this problem.

But that doesn't explain why my phone feels heavy in my pocket. Jane. The four letters sit like a stone. Anyone else would think you are just another girl on my endless roster. Someone I met in a club maybe, a number I could pull out if I didn't feel like putting in any effort to get laid. But I know who is on the other side. I keep pulling out my phone and looking at the digits. The most proof of you I might ever have. Evidence that in some way I've possessed you.

Is it that way for you too? Does Lily feel like some little secret piece of me?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Day 1 million of begging this man to go to therapy #When you are so obsessed you are willing to use the #Scientific Method #Names alert #Lily #Jane #Someone more creative then me come up with a ship name for them stat! #Like #Jily? #Lane? #Idk man.

Notes 474

tryingnottoblink

Finally a NAME. Thank fuck I was getting tired of calling him the Anon.

theskullonthemantel🔁

 Calling him our Father art in heaven every time I wanted to talk about him was getting to be a mouthful.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Well that's a part of a prayer so you should still be doing that name or no name. Gotta say the bi-lord's prayer twice daily.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Imagine choosing a classic funeral flower to be your alias for your secret gay hookups with your rival.

tryingnottoblink🔁

Do you really think he thought that much about it? I mean it kind of just seems like he pick the first cute name that came to mind.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Are we reading the same journals right now? Of course that's why he picked it.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Jane #When did this fandom get so fucking religious. #Funeral Flowers #Dramatic Gay People

Notes 327

r/therussiandiaries

u/burning_flame587

I wasn't sold on 'Lily' Being a teenager but

then I read the latest update and never mind you all are right. No matter what he writes like only a fucking dumb ass horny teenager would want to suck dick with a split lip.

56⬆️4⬇️22💬

Cents_Not_Centsible

Now how do you know that OP? Personal experience?

burning_flame587-OP

A gentleman never tells. But also…yes.

NO_RED_LIGHTS

Oh to be so down bad for someone you would suck dick with a fucked up face. Makes me nostalgic for yesteryear. Oh, sorry typo. I meant to type yesterday. Some of us never grew out of that phase OP sorry.

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Please go to therapy.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Ignoring the deeply problematic stuff about wanting to be punched to know you matter that level of horniness is almost cute?

burning_flame587-OP

Really not casual hook up behaviors to be honest.

Jane'smoancatalog

Not this man saying there is nothing beneath the surface as he writes his deeply complicated accounts of his emotional inner life.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Sadly not even being a tragic gay can save a man from 'no I don't actually have any feeling' disease

theskullonthemantel🔁

 'If you can see through me then you know there is nothing under the surface.' followed almost immediately by 'The slid of our mouths slick with my blood; the taste of copper proving that you cared enough to be angry'. Like my guy there is stuff under there it's just concerning.

74656isheadinghome

”There is nothing under the surface" WRONG. Nothing more incorrect has ever been spoken. It's there and a team of professionals needs to help you swim through that mess.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Jane #Never seen a man both so in touch and out of touch with him emotions at the same time. #Lily needs a therapist

r/therussiandiaries

u/ typically_panicing0789

Whats with all the biblical stuff on tumblr?

I like to go on tumblr occasionally and there seems to be a lot of talk about the who the twelve apostles of the diaries is over there. Does anyone know what that's all about, is there an entry that I haven't seen that has spawned this religious conservation? Also does that make our fan name the disciples? Because idk how I feel about that.

31⬆️2⬇️12💬

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

I probably spend more time on tumblr then I do on reddit and it's really not that deep. I think it comes from him mentioning sins and praying in some of the entries. It's just one big bit at this point. You can't deny that there is something kind of diary like about some sections of the bible so there's that too.

Onlythree_lemons

All the twelve apostles we chosen on tumblr? Didn't the entries start in on Reddit? This seems unfair.

imhavingabadtime_0158

Stolen Valor!

Chapter End Notes

None of the original characters mentioned are supposed to resemble any real life people. I did my best to make sure I wasn’t copying a real hockey players names but there is only so much a girl can do.
No actual shade to trainers or dietitians. Very inspired by the fact that I went to school in Utah and every time someone told me they wanted to be a dietician (surprisingly often) they turned out to be a the WORST person I had ever met. I’m sure there are plenty of lovely dietitians but it just made sense to me that Ilya wouldn’t like the whole thing. Obviously he would have been working with professionals before he got drafted but I have to imagine it got way more serious and invasive. I think in the early episodes especially Ilya is really trying to become his own person but is still very much ‘owned’ by his obligations, career related or otherwise. That’s just my two cents anyway. Thank you so much for reading! Every comment I’ve read so far has made me so happy I will treasure them forever!

Chapter 5: 5

Chapter Notes

r/therussiandiaries

u/roses4_rosie

Timeline updates?

In the recent update Anon, or I guess we can call him Lily now, refers to getting Jane's (previously freckles to those who aren't caught up) number and talks about his phone in his pocket. If he has a cell phone does that mean we are actually looking at a later timeline then we thought? There is no way these are actually from 98' now, right?

124⬆️36⬇️67💬

 Strangerimindanger

I have never felt so old in my LIFE

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Exactly. Suddenly I need a walker apparently. Anybody know where I can get them on the cheap

burning_flame587

And here I thought this subreddit was all elder Millennial gays who recognized the plight of being young and queer in the late 90's and a couple of BU Grad students who stuck around from the OG post. I didn't realize there were children here.

roses4_rosie

I'm 20?

burning_flame587

And you don't know there was cell phones in the late 90's?

roses4_rosie

Well I was barely alive then!

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Apparently I need to look in to buying cemetery plots Jesus Christ.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Have you not seen clueless?

roses4_rosie

?

burning_flame587

I….no. Just no. Alexa where is the nearest bridge?

dead-gel-pen86

Since no one else here can seem to be helpful over the sound of our knees popping and thinking about our last will and testaments I'll do my best. If we are assuming Lily is Rybnikov he was drafted in 98 then the latest entries posted are from the summer 2000? If that is the case he could defiantly of had a cell phone. Not everyone had one but a lot of the rich kids I went to school with did. This guy definitely would have. I personally like to think of him having a Nokia communicator because that is what the rich guy my mom dated around that time had. Also for the record there is a small chance that he is referring to the paper he had Jane's number written on. I don't really think so though. It's definitely looking like 'Jane' is what he saved his contact under. On his cell phone. Which he could have had. Okay gonna go look up nursing homes now. Happy end of life planning folks.

Jane'smoancatalog🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 24 2018

0219

So what if it didn't happen. This will be my first properly free day in ages. No obligations. No demands. No plans. No place to be tomorrow for once. If anything I'm grateful for the storm. I don't think I really cared at all that we got snowed out. It's just…frustrating. We had a plan. I hadn't been looking forward to it and I hadn't been dreading it. I had just been a thing we were going to do. Sex. Not a thing. I'm not a child.

Besides how could I mind when Sveta came to surprise me? Wearing my Jersey and some sexy black lacy thing. I thought she was still in Russia. But she's here! In Boston! It's been a great night. Not a word of english spoken. A great time and even better company afterword. It's always great with her. She's the only in the person that I would tell anything but I'll never need to. She already knows. Better then that she would never ask. She's beside me now, splayed out on my bed, hair tangled from our rowdiness and a bit of eyeliner smudged across the corner of her eye. Very beautiful. I'd never tell her this but I can hear her nose whistle as she sleeps. She broke it when we got drunk on my fire escape back home. She had stolen a bottle from her father's office and smuggled it over. At thirteen in the summer heat it really hadn't taken much to get us wasted.

When we had crawled back in flushed and giggling she caught her foot on the window and was sent tumbling in. She got tangled in the curtain her weight ripping the rod from the drywall as she slammed face first into the end table. It had been my grandfathers I think. Or father's grandfathers or something. Father had been so furious about the damage, and even more so when he realized about my carelessness with a family heirloom. I don't think I was ever able to get her blood completely out of the wood grains, I could probably still find the shadow in the mahogany if I looked. I think it's more precious now with some of Sveta's blood still on it. Now it carries a bit of a person worth remembering.

It hadn't been funny later when father punished me. When he reminded me of the consequences of my disrespect, of my disregard for his history. But then, in the glow of a late summer afternoon the vodka made me feel lighter then I had in months. We had laughed so hard. Drunk and barely a teenager there was nothing funnier then the blood pouring down her face. I'm just grateful she didn't loose any teeth, she'd have killed me when we were finally sober.

Thank god she's asleep as right now. If she saw me writing she would never let me hear the end of it. She's always been relentless in her teasing. She'd probably wrestle this away from me, Sveta has always been scrappier then she seems. She's bitten me before, and not just in the fun way. I think I have a scar on my arm from her canines. They're sharp as shit fucking vampire.

She can never know about this. She will probably be the one to end up with it when I die. She can keep it in the closet of some spare bedroom, dust thick on the box I'll shove it in before the end. Another thing I'll burden her with. I wonder if she'll be brave enough to read it. Probably. I'm the one that's always been the coward.

Sveta I love you but don't give me that look. You really do snore.

Until then she can't know. She would worry I think, that I'm writing like mama did. She has done too much for me to lose sleep over this. It's better for her rest to come easy. Beautiful and peaceful. Precious to me in the way maybe no one else is. The delicate line of her back shifting as she breaths steadily. No freckles on her shoulders.

0319 - DC

If I was a better than I am I'd probably think God was trying to tell me something. The snowstorm timed just right to keep us out of Montreal. A couple hours later and we might have been trapped there instead, and maybe I could have had him for more than a spare hour still sore from our game. I should think of this as a gentle push to get myself together. A warning that this could so easily get out of hand. But I don't think God really pays attention like that. The idea that he is weighing every reckless thought of mine, he must have better things to do no? I know it's probably blasphemous but I've always thought of him more like some peaceful artist than some all-vengeful deity that concerns himself with little human sins. He cares about whether or not I ruin my life when he could be crafting the perfect breeze to blow through some prairie? Thinking about how the petals of a blossoming tree will drift just so? I don't think he concerns himself much with me. Not enough to go out of his way to warn me off my bad decisions. I must be boring when compared to the way the sun filters through the branches of a weeping willow. To the wisps of breath on a cold Sunday morning when a small boy tries on skates and discovers how to fly.

Justice with come for me. But it doesn't have personality. Doesn't have a face or a name. It doesn't have a son. It's a scale I'm constantly tipping toward my own consequences. It shifts every time I don't answer father’s phone call. When I am selfish and gluttonous. It's an automatic system recording my debts not yet paid.

Maybe then it was mama somehow, trying in her own way to look after me. She loved the snow and would have loved the irony even more. Winter sports thwarted by a snowstorm. She found that kind of thing charming. Ten thousand spoons and all that. Maybe all of this is her way of asking me to be careful. She never liked when I was reckless. Was always scolding me when I climbed too high and admonishing me when she patched me up after I fell. She'd tell me to be careful with myself while holding ice to the result of my adolescent fighting.

Mama would hate him. Would like the idea of him maybe. His steadfastness. His determination. The way he seems to approach everything with a careful diligence. Would certainly like the fire he lights inside of me. But she would hate that I was taking risks for something so meaningless.

She would tell me to delete his message. Would hold my face between her hands like she did when I wouldn't stop picking fights and tell me to let it rest. To keep my eyes forward and myself safe. That it had been for the best that I never answered him after I got home and that I still haven't in the weeks since. It feels too late now. even if I wanted to.

Maybe I should listen to her advise, isn't that a way to honor the dead?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Musings about childhood #Being fond of your fuck buddy in the most platonic way possible. #musings about the nature of god #When you are cock blocked but it's by your Mothers ghost

Notes 525

Sadlittlerat

'I hadn't been looking forward to it and I hadn't been dreading it. I had just been a thing we were going to do.' uh huh. Okay. Yup no lies detected.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

raisedfromperdition 🔁

Your doing great sweetie! I totally believe you don't care about him at all!!

Sadlittlerats🔁

I would also like to point out that it goes from 0219 to 0319. Like he is still thinking about this shit a month later. No other entries between. Lily I'm begging you to just call him.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #When you get so good at lying you lie to your own journal #Sure Jan #Lily #please just call him

Notes 325

r/therussiandiaries

u/ Losingtheinvite

Ten Thousands spoons?

Does anybody know what he is talking about when he says, 'Ten thousand spoons and all that'. I actually can't think of what he could possibly mean by that. Do we think this is a translation error?

257⬆️156⬇️74💬

Lonely-Melons576

I was wondering about that too. Like what the hell? Has anyone tried message Shappo about it?

Hollygetshattricks

I did but haven't gotten an answer from her. I'm guessing it comes down to something being translated funny. I'm surprised something like this hasn't happened until now honestly

andmyass42

 I think he's referencing Ironic by Alanis Morissette? Ten thousand spoon when you need a knife?

Cents_Not_Centsible

It is 100% this. He's literally talking about his mother's spirit keeping him from fucking his rival by sending a snowstorm to stop a hockey game. What else could he realistically be referencing.

onfathersshelf

People love to argue about whether or not him having a phone means the timeline is later than we imagine when we have the first bit of concrete timeline information right here. We know that this entry was written at the very earliest March of 1995.

Raiderscup14

Oh wow. What a discovery. That narrows it down so much.

onfathersshelf

Well it's a great day for everybody in the Nikolai Rybnikov camp. That song was in the top ten for ages. He definitely would have known it.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Yeah and so would most people. I'm genuinely surprised by the few people I've seen on here that didn't know what he was talking about.

Onlythree_lemons

He must be referencing Ironic, and that rules out both Viktor Markin and Aleksandr Morozov from the list. Pretty revealing for a random one liner.

HollonovTruther_42

Do you know who it also doesn't rule out? Ilya Rozanov. I'm just saying.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Except he would have been NINE at the oldest when the diaries were written? Have you read so much fanfic that your brain finally rotted? Or are you just that stupid naturally?

Hollonov_Truther

Talk all you want but some of us know the truth of whose diaries we are are reading.

Onlythree_lemons

Yeah and some of us aren't delusional

theskullonthemantel

raisedfromperdition 🔁

Your making memes now? Jobless behavior.

theskullonthemantel🔁

It's you're and it took me five minutes on Canva. Do we need to add computer illiterate to your list?

Silent_onthehill🔁

raisedfromperdition 🔁

We are NOT flirting

theskullonthemantelw🔁

For once I agree with you.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #meaningless suuuuurre #Not Flirting #I just threw up in my mouth a little bit #we are not flirting #I would never lower my standards that much

Notes 412

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 27 2018

 0319

Got caught drunk as fuck. Feels like the pictures are everywhere. Sveta says it's not as big of a deal as management is making it out to be and in a few days no one will care. I don't think anyone is actually really mad that I did it just that I got caught. And that I did on a 'slow day' so the press about it has gone a bit crazy. I'm sure I'll be hearing about it from reporters for months anyway. It's how these things typically go yes? They'll say I'm not upholding good American values. I'll want to say that I've seen all your movies you hypocritical assholes. That underage drinking is basically a right of passage for the American teenager. That only in this backwards country it's considered underaged at all. But I won't, I'll grit my teeth and parrot whatever stupid robotic statement they want me to say that makes me sound even more like their brainless puppet.

Some dumb ass pitched that I should do an anti underage drinking PSA. Full fucking star and rainbow probably. I'd rather they shoot me like sad American dog movie. To agree I probably would have to have my brain leaking form my ears and foam in my mouth. Maybe that's what happens when you get to many concussions. That or rabies is the only explanation for why Cap said it didn't sound like a terrible idea.

0419 -NYC

I hate the elderly. I think if I checked him any harder he would have crumbled to nothing right there on the ice. Bones like termite infested wood. If the wrong breeze catches him I think he would turn to dust and just float away. God if only I was so lucky. Would someone just put him in a home already so I don't have to look at his face anymore?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #sorry for the sort one. # I may die before the semester is over #the more you know #Lily is such a little shit #not him accusing his captain of having rabies.

Notes 540

Dying House Plant @watermeplease

The sad American dog movie? Does he mean OLD YELLER. #russiandiaries

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot

He really said I'd rather you take me out and put me down like a rabid ranch dog then tell kids not to drink. And you know what. Respect. #themoreyouknow

r/therurssiandiraies

u/ burning_flame587

Is shit talking the Admirals a Raiders tradition?

Like when they draft get a Russian shit starter do they tell them to go find a veteran Admirals player to hold a grudge against forever? In modern day we are seeing this with Rozanov even though he's in Ottawa now. He's literally carried his grudge against Hunter across the border. Like I know nobody was micced up during last nights game so we don't know what he was saying, but I'm pretty sure Roz had Hunter questioning every choice he had ever made that led him to that rink.

132⬆️40⬇️85💬

Cents_Not_Centsible

Roz really has never let up on that man a single moment since he came to the states and I have to respect him for the commitment to the bit.

Raiderscup14

Well at least he can keep a commitment to something!

Cents_Not_Centsible

 The Centaurs may have lost the battle (1-5 ouch) but Ilya Rozanov will always win the (chirping) war.

Xreme4Xsquad18

Isn't it a bit suspicious that Rozanov targets the only active gay player in the league? I'm not sure it's a Raiders tradition as much as it's homophobia. Though that is probably a Boston tradition too.

NO_RED_LIGHTS

So somebody isn't a raiders fan I see. Real ones know that Roz hasn't stepped off that dinosaur’s neck for a second since he met him for the first time in 2010.

Cents_Not_Centsible

He has treated him the same as he always has. One might say that is true equality.

raisedfromperdition

theskullonthemantel🔁

Interesting

raisedfromperdition 🔁

Oh my god fuck off. Why I haven't I blocked you yet?

Sadlittlerats🔁

Interesting.

theskullonthemantel🔁

NO

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations # little shit lily # what did you say about jobless behaviors #okay you two get a fucking room already #NO #THERE IS NOTHING TO GET A ROOM ABOUT #UNLESS ITS THE JAIL CELL WE WOULD END UP IN TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER

Notes 378

Silent_onthehill🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Nov. 28 2018

0619-Sin City

I'm angry that I'm angry about being angry that I lost. I'm angry that I'm incapable of being a good sport about it. That everyone is thinking that I'm just an egotistical asshole that can't show his face after he's been bested. That I'm weak enough to actually care about it.

I hate that they're right. I hate that if father is himself at all he will never let me hear the end of it. That he is going to point out every small thing that lead me to the loss, every way my failures resulted in his embarrassment. I hate that if I had won he wouldn't of even care enough to mention it. I hate that if I had won, that if I had been able to truly beat Jane and showed father that I'm not second to anyone, then I might have been able to use it as some sort of leverage to get him to see a doctor. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do that now.

Right now though, I'm mostly angry that if he had lost he have congratulated me and meant it. That he would have shaken my hand and smiled in that way that makes me feel like he's a bit proud. Like after I've scored a goal that should have been impossible. So shocked he can't help but be impressed. I'm so furious that I kissed him on that rooftop, but not as angry that he pushed me away. That he called me out for being reckless. That he could think while having me pressed against him. I wish I had been thinking about anything but his body in my space. A line of heat in the cold desert night, the taste of the liquor he'd drank in my mouth.

I just wish that it didn't matter to me. It would be so much easier if I just didn't care.

0620

The cab should be here in fifteen minutes. It'll take me to the airport. From there a plane will take me across the ocean and then another will drag me back into Moscow. What am I gonna find there? It's been a year without laying eyes on father. Will he look frailer? Or will I walk into our old home and he'll cut into me like usual? There is something comforting in the way he chooses to go after me when he's having a good stretch of days. When he's able to craft a string of words in a way the finds the parts of me I can't protect from him and slice at the them with his specific brand of relentlessness. He should have a trademark. A signature move that carries his name. He's a surgeon who has perfected the craft of excavating all my pockets of tenderness. All I can hope for is that one day he finds all of them, that he will slice the last growth away from my kidney and finally stich me up cured and ready for recovery. The small look of satisfaction I can read in the wrinkles around his eyes will let me know that he is still here exactly as I remember him. Still able to compose his symphony's. Beethoven no. 5. I want him to know how to hurt me best. I want to see that he still carries all the memories I hope no one ever forgets. The precious relics of my childhood that’s getting a bit blurry for me already.

What is really sends me spiraling is when he stumbles at me with his knife. Making large sweeping cuts in an attempt to injury me, an amateur butcher with his blade. Painful sure, but not precise. I don't think I've ever seen that part in person. When I look at him like this will I see some blank flat face? Will I even recognize him without the underlying smugness, the satisfaction from pain served in just how he wanted? Will I see in his eyes the kind of blankness I hear when he calls me? Him looking for a note he can't find, stumbling because he doesn't really even know the question let alone the answer. Anger welded in confusion instead of a sword sharpened on the finest grinding wheel.

He fades and another bit of mama fades with him. Slipping right through my fingers. Soon all that will remain is a few old pictures and the dairies I'm to much of a coward to open.

I'm not taking this with me. That is to dangerous even for me. I'm too loose with myself with it. I can't be like that back home, around Father and Alexei. I'm putting it in the box with mamas. I'll set it underneath her last journal. The one I stole from her bedside drawer after the funeral. Maybe that will finally be enough to stop me from reaching for it.

*Note *

This brings us to then end of our first diary! He left the second half empty. It looks like he kept his promise that he wouldn't touch this journal when he got back to the states.He just started started a new one. What a clever workaround buddy. And before anyone asks we have checked the remaining journals and all the handwriting matches. The journal of his mother's that he mentioned are is not in this box. I'm not sure how much we will be able to get translated as we deal with end of semester stuff but we will for sure have more entries posted in the new year. Happy Holidays!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #oh buddy #when I find your dad he's gonna catch these fucking hands

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

Just a fun friendly reminder that Beethoven no. 5 is one of, if not the most famous symphonies like…ever. So he's saying that the way his father is cruel to him is as familiar to him as one of the most recognizable combination of notes ever. Thanks and have a nice night #RussianDiaries

Dying House Plant @watermeplease

Oh now fuck right off with that

snakesnakesnake

Lily writes so sporadically that you know when you get two entries from the same month you're about to read some truly devastating shit.

tryingnottoblink🔁

Two things get him writing even a little consistently and that is Jane and his dealing with shit about his family. Both of which are liable to devastate me.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Getting to read the last two post back to back was fucking whiplash. Going from his snide little remarks about the guy he hates on the admirals into his causal acceptance that his father is going to purposly say things to hurt him. Like it's almost like he doesn't think its wrong that he gets treated that way.

raisedfromperdition 🔁

It's kind of worst then that though. It's not just that he's accepted it as just the standard for his relationship with his father but he's using how much what his father say hurts him as a benchmark for the progression of his disease.

i'mreadyforit

Everyday people on this website hurt me. Three hours ago I didn't know who this motherfucker was and now I need to go lay down and stare at the ceiling.

Silent_onthehill🔁

We call that the Lily experience. Welcome to the Russian Diaries!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #The emotional whiplash of Russian Hockey Players and their #dads #these should come with a warning #may make you feel things about #Beethoven 5th.

Notes 389

Chapter End Notes

The first Reddit post is inspired by a real conversation I had on tumblr when I was 15. oh roses4_rosie I was you. To the definitely grown adults who were always outrageously kind about my (very bad) supernatural fanfic you will always hold a dear place in my heart.
Anyway not sure how I feel about this chapter but at some point I’ve read the same thing six times in a row looking for spelling errors and I just can’t look at it anymore. I think I might hold the title for worst speller in the world. Anyone know a beta? Asking for myself.
Thank you for reading!!!

Chapter 6: 6

Chapter Notes

Sadlittlerat

When will my husband (iknowthisaboutmyself) return from war (post more of the sad gay hockey player diaries)

snakesnakesnake🔁

I'm checking her blog like it's national news on the day of a tragedy honestly. I am so not well about that sad bisexual disaster.

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

I know she said that they would be too busy with school to post until the new year but I'm dying in this drought.

Sadlittlerat🔁

Anyone else in NYC? It might be fun to meet up and be deranged about this in person. I need to hyper analyze this with someone smarter than me asap.

justcallhim!!🔁

I could make a day day trip!

raisedfromperdition 🔁

I'd love to meet up. I'll bring a mountain of highlighters and a forests worth of print outs

theskullonthemantel🔁

Oh do not tell me we are in the same city. I'd still love to come even if they are there.

Sadlittlerat🔁

Great! I'll message everyone and pick a place to meet up!

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

You sure about this? You are really going to have those two in the same room together? Do you want someone to end up in jail?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #drought #please I'm on my hands and knees #meet up #be careful with those two #I'm too broke for bail

Notes 30

R/therussiandiaries

U/roses4_rosie

Latest Update and Lily's Identity

Everyone here seems intent on assuming it's him but the last entries prove it isn't. He mentions an award going to Jane in Vegas after the season is done. It has to be rookie of the year right? All those details line up with the Rybnikov theory. Both James McGoff and Nikolai Rybnikov were nominated in 2000 and the awards were held in Vegas that year so sin city makes sense. Here's the kicker though Rybnikov won rookie of the year in 2000. So why would he be so upset about losing? I don't know who it is but it can't be him

360⬆️ 120⬇️ 99💬

onfathersshelf

That's a good point. Never thought to look up actual hockey stuff tbh.

Losingtheinvite

Some of us take this that serious huh. I'm just here for the doomed Yaoi

Loosingdogbet-23

Who says it's doomed?

Losingtheinvite

We are reading the journals of a Russian guy who died in 2008. What else could it be.

Loosingdogbet-23

:(

burning_flame587

Who ever this guy is he has 20-year old's googling hockey award results from 2000. That's king shit

Getoffmy_balcony

Listen I know what you said makes sense but the relationship with a highly abusive parent is never logical. It doesn't matter if he won. If he lost even a small tiny award that no one cared about his father would still likely give him hell about it. He came in second (a great accomplishment!) in a huge competition when he had already been drafted and his father made sure he knew what a disappointment he was. I can't find a lot online about this and my memories are a bit fuzzy considering we are talking about 2000 here but I distinctively remember McGoff getting some small award or something that night. I don't think it was anything important or anything and I'm pretty sure it wasn't even televised. There was jokes about it basically being a participation trophy. I only really remember because I was 14 and a bit obsessed with him at the time. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what that entry was about. That he has conflated even the smallest most meaningless loss to be highly devastating because that's how his father treats even the smallest mistakes. He could have won MVP as a rookie on a team that got knocked out of the playoffs in round 1 and that wouldn't have helped him convince his father to see a doctor. Nothing would ever have been enough.

roses4_rosie

Oh and now I'm sad again. Thanks for that. If it is him it's so devastating that Rybnikov died in 2008. He deserved to be fucking happy.

---

r/russiandiaries

u/Onlythree_lemons - 4 hrs ago

Framing of abuse

Lily has a really troubling relationship with his father's abuse. He recalls in great detail the things that were done to his brother but seems to brush right over his own abuse. We get no details. Just that he was punished. He seems to frame the rosemary plant stuff as being bad but the tone around the end table stuff seems…

u/Getoffmy_balcony -12 hrs ago

My top Ten McGoff /Rybnikov moments.

1.) Round one of the 2002 playoffs, game three in Boston. After scoring a downright nasty goal McGoff winks seemingly straight at Rybnikov. The footage isn't awesome but Rybnikov seems to smile before he can school his features. Like if you watch around 4:34 of the video I linked…

u/dead-gel-pen86 - 1 day ago

Stop posting asking where the next journals are.

Seriously I've seen so many posts about this, It's been answered a million times. She said in her last post that they would both be really busy with school stuff and that they would for sure be back in the new year. Just be patient. They don't owe us anything and they are doing this for…

u/large_step-87 - 1 day ago

Hiatus?

Are the diaries translations on hiatus? I haven't seen any post for a few while. Does she have a schedule posted somewhere. Did she just stop posting, is she going to come back?

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 02 2019

1122-MTL

I grinned the whole way back to my hotel like an idiot. I tried to fight it, but I just couldn't. Had to avoid the other guys like the fucking plague before they started giving me shit about my 'Montreal girl'. How that shit got around I have no idea.

I just keep smiling, it's like my face isn't mine. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, some cheerful stranger looked back at me. My mind keeps wandering I can't seem to get it under control. Drifting to things that should be impossible. Wondering if just maybe, if I'm very careful, if I don't take more than I should, maybe I could just keep him. Not completely, not without restraint, not forever. But maybe I could have him for just a little while longer? Could we stay racing up the stairs for another year? What about two or three? If I'm not greedy I think it might work. It's only a few times a year how hard could it be? It would be worth it I think. Worth all the stupid risks I'm taking to get to keep demanding he come to me but ending up with him in the middle.

1122 - BUF

I don't need to keep anything. I have everything I want. It's just some meaningless fun. It's so hard to find a man to scratch that itch. Jane is convenient, less risky than some of the strangers I've had. He's not going to tell anyone at least. I think they would call this harm reduction.

1222

You've made me like stairwells. I never thought much about them before. Just a place you end up in because something's broken, or because your building is old as shit. Or just shit. Or both really, in Boston you never know. It's a way to change elevation. A place to take a girl when the bathrooms are occupied and she likes the risk of it. It's a transition not a destination. Just the doors I won't take, floors I won't explore, people that I'm leaving through a back door after midnight.

Had to take the stairs yesterday. Elevator was busted. The building was old as fuck but not usually shit. For a second I saw you sitting there on floor two of my four story descent. Just a flash of you on the steps like a beautiful ghost. Satisfied look on your face, soft hoodie all pulled up around you. Is it not enough that I spent years chasing you? Sending you teasing messages, flirting with you at our games? Dangling myself in front of you hoping you'll just take the bait, posing like an award, myself the prize if you'd just show up to claim it. Do you really have to echo into every part of my life?

It's been years of this now. Winning and losing to you in equal measure. Thinking about you in Russia, in Boston, in Winnipeg for gods sake. I've had you in the way I wanted most. Like I wanted to back in that hotel room at all stars before you got sensible enough to pull back from this thing we pretend isn't a bad idea. I've finally had you moaning beneath me, coming untouched such a pretty surprise. Looking like a beautiful trap designed to ensnare me. But it's not enough. Will it ever be? Because I want every variation. I want you on cotton sheets and silk. In hotel rooms and on my couch. In dirty back alleys and against the clean tiles of my shower. If it was possible I'd have you in some sweaty club in Moscow, maybe I could find the bathroom where Sveta first caught Sasha and me. Might be a fun reenactment. Maybe if we had the time the morning after I'd take you to my favorite park and the Cafe nearby for a coffee. I bet you take it without any sugar or cream. Just a splash of some disgusting milk alternative.

It's a good thing that's all impossible. I've already stuck my hand willingly into the trap now I'm just waiting for the bite of rusty teeth. I don't need to make this worse. So do you have to show up here too? A shadow in a hotel stairwell? Will I ever finally have enough or am I Erysichthon King of Thessaly, cursed to never be satisfied?

1222

So what if I am? Maybe I'll sell all my belongings so I can fuel my want with reckless abandon. Maybe satisfaction is just not for people like me. I'm too carved out, hollow and bottomless. Empty in the way that can't be rectified. If I'm going to die with my flesh in my teeth and a chunk of my own heart halfway down my throat I'm going to do it with a gold medal for my country and my name on that fucking cup. There is only pride in death after achievement.

I've seen fate already. Saw the prophecy fulfilled and passed on. I'm going 120 on a dark highway knowing it ends abruptly at a cliffside. A crumbled bridge no one bothered to fix. I just don't know beyond which bend lies the rocky shores of my demise. Some things are predetermined. They must be. What other reason would mama have chosen to leave me? If she could have stayed she would have.

When it's my time I'll know it. So until then I'll worry less about pretty Canadian boys. I'm going to make sure this is one hell of a ride.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #we are back baby #hope you all had a great holiday #winter break finally #two year time skip #Ersysichthon #King Of Thessaly #had me looking up Greek myths #day 100million of asking this man to please see a therapist.

Notes 625

raisedfromperdition

time skip. TIME SKIP???? WE LOST TWO YEARS!!!

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

I can't believe we are missing two years of entries. Imagine all the sad yearning in there.

Silent_onthehill🔁

tryingnottoblink🔁

Is this what it felt like when the Library of Alexandria burnt down?

i'mreadyforit🔁

No this is worse.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #two year time skip #library of Alexandria #Lost media

Notes 568

iknowthisaboutmyself

I completely forgot to mention this but this journal is branded? Looked it up and it's some hotel in Montreal. It's a pretty nice journal honestly if it's a random freebie. Fell down a bit of a rabbit hole and ended up on a 'puck bunny' subreddit and apparently it's well known that hockey teams commonly stay there. Just a little tid bit I thought was interesting.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

Not you dropping the craziest background info like it's nothing.

raisedfromperdition🔁

You are telling me that he went back to his hotel room and immediately picked up the only journal he could find to pour his heart out into. I am not going to be normal about this information.

theskullonthemantel🔁

It's crazier than that. He ended a two year entry hiatus because he fucked Jane for the first time and he just had to write about it.

justcallhim!!🔁

He ended a two year hiatus to say "Wondering if just maybe if I'm very careful, if I don't take more than I should, maybe I could just keep him?"

snakesnakesnake🔁

"Not completely, not without restraint, not forever. But maybe I could have him for just a little while longer?"

theskullonthemantel🔁

Hey guys we read it. You don't need to hurt me again.

raisedfromperdition🔁

We don't know about the two year writing hiatus for sure just that we don't have the diaries for it. But honestly the random hotel journal supports that theory to me. If he'd been writing he'd of had his own journal with him right?

Silent_onthehill🔁

Alert the girlies that they might not need to mourn. Maybe it's not lost media after all

theskullonthemantel🔁

Maybe it's just a man's inability to use his only semi healthy emotional regulating hobby because he's deeply afraid of being vulnerable.

justcallhim!!🔁

Or maybe it's Maybeline.

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot

brb gonna go stand in a stairwell and hope some beautiful man comes along so I can change how he feels about something mundane forever. #russiandiaries

Dying House Plant @watermeplease

I'm sorry girl but you'd really have to meet him like four years ago at some international competition first. This shit did not happen overnight.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

The really unrealistic part here is that Kath would be able to resist some hot guy trying to get in her pants for two straight years. 15 minutes and a little charm she'd fold. Jane you are god's strongest soldier.

justcallhim!!🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 04 2019

0122 - EDM

Father is acting strange. I'm not sure if it's because he's ill or if I've been away for so long I know him less than I think. His doctor said that he should even out a bit for now. That we shouldn't see anymore drastic drops in 'cognitive function' for the time being. Whatever that means.

He didn't seem like he usually is when he's having one of his "spells" like Polina calls it. Like she's around enough to really understand what that means.

Not that I am either. But at least I'm not trying to play the part of loving wife while off fucking some dance instructor. Not that I blame her. She's married to a man 40 years her senior whose body will forget how to keep itself alive. I just don't get why she pretends. Like we don't all know what she is doing. I might be a horrible son off chasing money and fame in America but at least I'm honest about the failures of my familial obligations.

For once I don't think it has anything to do with his diagnosis. I should be grateful after what the last six months have been like. It's like it's all we can talk about but no one can really stand to mention it. The meds they've given him to take have helped. He's more like himself than he was at the end of last year but still less like the man who lives in my memory. A puppet wearing the general's mask. A zombie with moments of sharp recollection but mostly survives in imitation. Even when he wields his scalpel with great dexterity I think I can still see the marionette strings.

He didn't seem lost on the phone with me. The tepid hollowness of his confusion was missing as he talked with me. But he was still so unlike himself. His voice took on some soft curve, a gentle hum without the immediate cut of bitterness. There was such an unfamiliar quality to him when talking about the Olympic roster announcement. About his plans to come see the games. Which hotel he wants me to book. When he'd prefer boarding for his flight. The way he spoke I think he may have watched a recording of my game from last Friday. Or the highlights anyway. Some of them I think.

He always wants me to perform well for Russia but I think for once he actually thinks I might. I don't know what to do with his confidence. Or that's not really it I don't think. How do I put my finger on it when it's not an addition of something new but a lack of something so ingrained I thought it was part of our foundation? It's maybe not that he's confident I'll make him proud for once but rather he's not sure that I'll fail.

0122 - VAN

Please don't pin all your hopes on me. I've never been any good at carrying them. I break precious things. Mama's prized crystal vase, a very generous wedding gift from some great uncle I never met. Gifted on a day of tragedy disguised as celebration. I've seen the photos, she looked just how a proper bride should. It's so sour to know the truth. To bite the apple and taste the rotten flesh under perfect skin. Liquid in its Putrefaction, practically a 100 proof. Despite everything, how much I knew she never loved him, she loved the vase anyway. Maybe she thought if she could fill it with beautiful things that it would make the situation more tolerable. But I shattered it, careless with my hockey gear. Hope is so delicate, trust so fragile. Pretty shards of glass in the dustpan as she sweeps them up, pretending I haven't hurt her with my recklessness. I can cope with the crushing expectations and demands but please don't hope for me.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #being surprised when your father isn't a complete asshole #and other abused child anecdotes # 40 years her senior #YIKES #get that dance instructor girl I hope he's hot #baby we hope in you #you can't break it

Notes 692

raisedfromperdition

Onyourleftagain 🔁

I just looked it up. Didn't they get bronze? Isn't that like a huge accomplishment?

raisedfromperdition🔁

Look me in the eye and tell me you think that would be enough for Lily's dad? Any loss is a crushing failure. No in between. And I'm sure it will be even worse considering his father has been almost nice to him since he found out he was on the team.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

Hurts more when they trick you into thinking it's possible for you not to disappoint them. Makes it feel like it was ever achievable so it's even more your fault for failing.

i'mreadyforit🔁

god ouch. Reading these is like watching an emotional car crash in slow motion sometimes.

theskullonthemantel🔁

The eye? You only have one? Funny I didn't notice that when I met you. Maybe it was because you're so short I spent the whole time looking at the top of your head.

raisedfromperdition🔁

It's. A. Common. Phrase. You. Fucking. Asshole.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Also I'm 5' 4" a perfectly normal height I'll have you know. Just become some of us here are normal humans and not long legged mutated monstrosities.

Sadlittlerat🔁

Spend the whole time looking staring at her did you? I'd like it on the record that we ending up chatting for nearly four hours.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Anybody have some Zofran? Or at least a barf bag? Jesus Christ

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

You're on your own for this one buddy.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily's dad when I find you #It's fucking on site with that bitch #I don't care if you don't remember asshole #I'll throw down with the elderly #it's what lily would have wanted. #these two again # petition to lock them in a closet until they either bang it out or kill each other # I don't know which one is more likely

Notes 710

Chapter End Notes

This chapter brought to you by a fever of 101 and the gross men at my work who refuse to stay home when they are sick or wash their hands ever. I'm begging you to at least pick one. Some of us are trapped in the same office with you and have the immune system of a newborn. There simply is not enough hand sanitizer in the world.
About the pictures. They seem to have worked for some people and not for others. From my understanding it is largely dependent on where you are located and it doesn’t seem like there is much I can do to fix it. They are mostly just silly and not important but if anyone would like me to put a direct link to them in the notes going forward I can totally do that and see if it works.
A huge thank you to CherSandals for agreeing to beta this for me! They were so so helpful and also lovely to talk to! Thank you too everyone else who offered and anyone who just commented in general. I appreciate them so much. The reaction to this fic has really blown me away and I couldn't be more grateful that there are other people who find Ilya as interesting and precious as I do. Anyway, thank you so much for reading!

Chapter 7: 7

Chapter Notes

r/russiandiaries

u/andmyass42

Who is Sveta?

To be clear I'm not interested in speculation about her actual identity. I know that sort of thing is popular on this sub but I don't feel it helps me engage with the diaries on an emotional level to be constantly looking up hockey results or digging into the personal lives of people who played professionally a decade ago. What I mean is who do we think Sveta is to Lily? She's clearly important to him. So what are we thinking. Best friend, Girlfriend, Sister maybe?

123⬆️ 31⬇️ 64💬

screaming_crying17

Sister? Ummmmm

Onlythree_lemons

I read that and I was like Sister? I really really hope not!

burning_flame587

Where exactly are you getting a sister vibe from. I sure hope you don't fuck your siblings OP.

andmyass42-OP

Do we ever have confirmation that they sleep together?

burning_flame587

Do you show up to your brothers house with his jersey on and lingerie?

andmyass42

Okay okay I forgot about that part. Sorry I was distracted by the bittersweet childhood reminiscing.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

I'm going to ignore the sister part, I think other people here have that covered. I'm going to hope that she is just his best friend that he sometimes sleeps with and not his girlfriend because that means he's probably cheating on her like…all the time. Like fully in love and obsessed with another man while he's with her.

Hollygetshattricks

Cheating on her all the time… sounds like pretty much every hockey player in the league.

screaming_crying17

Maybe they're open? I mean he mentions Sveta walking in on him and Sasha in a club bathroom in Moscow. So she at least knows he's Bi.

dead-gel-pen86

What does her knowing he's bi have to do with him maybe cheating on her?

onfathersshelf

I don't think they are romantically involved monogamous or otherwise. It seems like it's just casual sex with his best friend. I mean he did say she surprised him and that he thought she was in Russia. Not that long distance is impossible but I just don't get that vibe from the situation at all.

Hollygetshattricks

I won't clown on you about the sister stuff. I actually see where you are coming from. Not that I thought they were related because I didn't miss 'She's beside me now, splayed out on my bed, hair tangled from our rowdiness' but there is something very familial about the way he talks about her. I mean vaguely sexual stuff aside. I think they are childhood friends who also fuck sometimes. He mentions that she will probably be the one to get his journals when he's dead. Hard not to draw the parallel to the fact that he is the one who got his mother's journals when she died. It seems like to him she has an equivalent relational value so to speak. She's probably the only meaningful family Lily has.

screaming_crying17

Why don't they just date at that point? Like if they are sexually compatible and he clearly loves and cares about her. Why not just get together?

Onlythree_lemons

Some people really do have an honest to god friends with benefits! You can love someone very dearly in a platonic way and have a fun casual sexual relationship with them but not have any romantic feelings. I know in every rom com everyone who fucks their friend falls in love with them but that's just not real life.

HollonovTruther_42

To expand on that I think Lily (so far) clearly has his sexual encounters split into two categories. On one hand it's meaningless one night stands (think the redhead with lipstick on her teeth he mentioned early on) that he disregards and doesn't think about after. On the other side of it is Sveta who he clearly doesn't have Romantic feelings for but does care about. Sasha might fit in this category too but we don't really know enough about that relationship to make a judgment. I personally don't really get the impression that it's an ongoing relationship. I think that's why Jane unsettles him so much. It's not meaningless as much as he wishes it was and it's also decidedly not a friends with benefits situation. I don't think he knows how to handle the romantic nature of his feelings for Jane. I'm not sure he's even ready to be honest about the existence of those feelings with himself.

Onlythree_lemons

God I hate when the worst person you know does good well thought out character analysis

Cents_Not_Centsible

Not andmyass42 inadvertently calling me out for my bullshit again. I can't help my psycho behavior! Not when I finally have a use for the stupid amount of hockey trivia I've stored in my head instead of putting anything useful in there.

Confused_Pears

Ah yes Andmyass42. The best of wives and best of women

andmyass42-OP

I am fully single and also a man

Confused_Pears

Wife is genderless. Wife cares not for your marital status. Wife is a state of mind.

America'snexttoptorturechamber

Artistic rendering of me waiting for the newest installment of the Russian diaries to drop.

i'mreadyforit🔁

I fear we will only be getting another serving of decades old gay trauma

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

And? Say thank you and eat your food.

i'mreadyforit🔁

Yes Mother

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #sadness goes down easy and tastes divine #order up #waiting for my double order of sad gay trauma diaries #eat your food loser

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 4 2019

0122-NYC

I hope I'll have time to go to the museum of natural history before the game against the crypt keeper. Want to offer my condolences to his family before I destroy him. I'm sure they were looking forward to seeing him on team USA. Can't be at the Olympics if you're too busy getting your hip replaced.

0122-NJ

When will I ever learn with Alexei? He leads me in like he gives a fuck. Like he ever could. Like there's anything left of him. If I'm mostly gone how could any of him have survived? I know that but I still never learn. Once a bad student always one. He told me about his daughter this time. Told me about her classes. Her recital coming up. How much she loves her little ballerina shoes. Told me about taking her to the park we used to go to as kids. About strapping tiny little skates to her feet and watching her stumble across the ice. Just like that I'm imagining his hands underneath her arms, steadying her as she tries to push forward. How mama used to do for me when I was so young I can't even pinpoint the age of the memory. Her gentle hands holding me back as I wiggled, desperate to go find Alexei and show him I could make it to him without falling. When he can tell I'm thinking about him and me and mama all there together he strikes. I can never catch a lie like that from him until I see it in hindsight. If my niece has learned to skate I doubt he was the one to teach her. I'm not sure she dances at all. He's the snake I didn't realize was in the grass until it was too late. Venom dripping from his fangs while he lured me in with sweet syrupy lies. Nostalgia about the small precious moments of our childhood the perfect bait. The sharp hook snags clean through my lip just before I even knew I was biting. Alexei is an excellent fisherman when something I have is the catch he wants.

He only does this when he's planning to ask for something crazy. Something he thinks I won't give into easily. When he wants more money than usual. When it's something that costs more time or more of my reputation. More and more these days it's both. This time it was more of everything. More of myself. A thick cut off my own body. A prime ribeye steak served up to him extra rare. He prefers it bloody.

0122-NJ

The funny thing about everything he asks for, about all the money I throw at him and the messes I clean up for him, is that I wouldn't even mind if he acted like he cares for me at all. He wouldn't even have to ask if he could pretend to love me. I'd take care of him. I'd want to.

I guess he knows he doesn't have to pretend. I'll give him everything either way.

0122-WAS

Didn't have a fucking pen during travel. I had to let everything I can't say build up behind my teeth. Thick plaque binding to the enamel. My teeth rotting inside out from the pressure. There was just nowhere to put it all. At least with a pen in my hand I can take the pressure off a little. I sound like an addict. I think I understand why they thought blood letting helped anything. Maybe it did in a way, just not in the kind of way that keeps the body alive. I should ask the plague doctor next time I see him. I'm sure he remembers the introduction of leeches into medicine. That might even be too modern for him.

I know I could have asked for something to write with but it felt too risky. What if they had asked why I needed it? Would a lie have been able to slide believably off my tongue when it's encased in cement? So much bigger than it ought to be. Swollen from surgery, cotton shoved in the cavities where teeth beyond saving were already pulled out. Bloody stitches pulled tight ready to snap.

Is this what it's going to be like? I know I have to leave it. I know it's not safe. More importantly I shouldn't let my mind wander. Shouldn't let myself fall into the comfort of it. Comfort breeds complacency and I won't let father be right about me again. If there is a chance that it could stop me from winning I need to cleave it from myself. But even the idea of it has me feeling unsteady. Shaky like an addict desperate for a fix. It's in my hand and I feel the idea of its absence like a missing limb.

It's like I'm a child with his security blanket. Dragging some ratty nasty thing behind me in my footed pajamas. I cling to it like it will save me from the monster underneath my bed. It's time to fucking grow up.

0122-WAS

Are you walking the dog following behind me? He snarls at my heels, hot breath against my Achilles. Desperately hungry, ravenous and impatient. I think he dreams of pulling the tendon free. Swallowing it whole maybe. Letting it slide down his throat without chewing, no hesitation. Licking my blood from his teeth after he maims me.

When the thoughts get too much he lunges for me but his chain collar pulls tight. He chokes on his own desperation.

I think if I saw him he would look like an abused pathetic thing. Ribs poking through patchy flea infested fur. Skin bloody were the mites have burrowed.

So don’t look back, I’ve never had the courage.

But if I ever overcame my denialist nature and faced the past instead of pushing through the rubble of my mistakes towards a nebulous future; what would I see? Maggots crawling from familiar eyes, sliding down a face half decomposed? You weeping an infestation. Larva spilling from your mouth, the dripping saliva of your rabid sadness. If I asked you questions would you choke out answers around unhatched insects? Or would  you just keep holding his leash? A silent guardian. Half rotted corpse twisting the cord between your bone exposed fingers? I have so many questions but can't find the will to turn around and ask them. Did you find the leash three quarters of the way down that newly filled prescription? Did you unwind it from its package as the beast finished feasting on you? Did you clip it to his neck and set off to find me? Or did you just wait patiently for me come to try to wake you before you fell into lock step behind me? Lurking through everything, a shadow I’ll never shake. Waiting for the day I will be strong enough to greet the beast you hold at bay. To embrace that your path and mine will end at the same place.

I'm sorry that I can't turn to look at you. I'm too afraid of what I'll find. So for now it'll stay as it has been. Always just you and me and the beast between.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #mentions of Suicide? #mentions of gore #Lily #are you okay? #like genuinely #I dont really have jokes about this one

Notes 760

9'sleatherjacket🔁

our boy is NOT doing okay. What do we think brought this on? It doesn't seem like he's even interacted with Jane during this run of entries.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

Not everything troubling in his life is centered around Jane. In fact I would say the stuff with is family is a much bigger piece of the puzzle of why he is the way he is. The better question is what didn't bring this on? The Olympics are a crazy amount of pressure on their own. Athletes dream their whole lives about competing. On top of that he thinks he can basically earn his family's love by being the best in the world which is just a whole other layer of crushing pressure. I don't know of anyone who would be doing well in those circumstances.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Not to bring down the vibe but didn't we get an entry pre time skip about the anniversary of his mothers death? I'm pretty sure it was also in January.

snakesnakesnake🔁

The vibe was already on the floor and now it's fallen straight through to the basement

Dontphonehomes🔁

Oh look a flaming circle is opening up. Is it the demon I sold my soul to so I could eat hot Cheetos without getting heartburn here to collect on her bargain? No, it's Judas himself rising from the flaming circle and he's dragging the vibe down to the pits of hell.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #2002 Winter Olympics #featuring Lily's fucked father son relationship #judas #killing the vibe

Dying House Plant @watermeplease

'Larva spilling from your mouth, the dripping saliva of your rabid sadness' is this another Old Yeller reference and can we put whoever showed this man that movie in jail for the emotional damage. #russiandiaries

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot
Replying to @watermeplease

I came away with 3 takeaways from the latest installment. 1. Go to therapy Lily 2. Go to therapy Lily 3. Lily please go to therapy and after cuddle a puppy maybe. 

r/russiandiaries

u/Raiderscup14

Lily seems kind of whiny.

What's with the last update? It seemed so whiny to me. Please just do something already. It's just the same thing we've gotten before over and over again. Like I get your family sucks, just stop talking to them? And the stuff with the journal. He says over and over about how much he doesn't want to write in his journal but gets upset when he actually can't do it. He relates not being able to write in it to dental surgery. From the sounds of it it was maybe a couple of hours? That is really not a big deal. Why complain so much about not being able to take it with him to the Olympics when he says he wants to stop. Also why not just take it. He clearly has no issue traveling with it in general. Just make a choice dude and stick with it you are pissing me off. Anybody else feeling the same way?

19⬆️ 215⬇️ 115💬

screaming_crying17

Oh to be so wrong and so confident

Hellhound-puppychow

If you don't like them why are you reading them? They aren't even popular. This is barely even a micro fandom. Like there isn't even a single fanfiction. And trust me I checked.

screaming_crying17

Right! Whatever happened to don't like don't read.

Onlythree_lemons

"It's just the same thing we've gotten before over and over again." Well that is the thing about abusive families. It's the same thing over and over and over again. You think it's going to be different and then it isn't and you feel stupid for believing it might be. He's not being whiny he's just a young guy who is in a lot of pain and has no way to process what he's going through.

NO_RED_LIGHTS

[this comment has been removed]

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

I've removed this comment for the clear violation of our community rules. You can have a bad opinion and you all can disagree with it but you can't tell anyone that they should commit suicide folks. Threats of violence also won't be tolerated so watch yourselves. Be good kiddos or you will catch a ban. Don't try me.

imhavingabadtime_0158

Hey not that you like to think about anything outside yourself but going to the Olympics is actually substantially different than traveling around North America with your team.

Xreme4Xsquad18

I didn't actually think we had to point that out to people but here we are.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Oh yeah traveling around a bunch of people who don't speak your language and who you presumably have some level of trust with is totally the same as bringing it with you to the Olympics where you may not know your teammates that well and oh yeah, they can actually read the language all your secrets are written in.

Janesfreckle_constellations

"Anybody else feeling the same way?" Everybody say it with me. NO.

tryingnottoblink🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 5 2019

0222

What does it mean that the only dreams I can remember are memories? I know I dreamed of something. It felt so important. It's like I can feel the shape of it in my mouth. Familiar but different enough to drive me crazy. A chipped tooth they fixed but my body can tell the slightest difference in texture. I can smell someone else's shampoo in my bed sheets if I close my eyes but I know I slept alone.

0222

I think I'm a little bit drunk. Sveta banned me from getting trashed alone. Says I get too gloomy when there isn't some dance song I don't care to know playing and a model ready to shove her tongue down my throat on standby. Well actually she called me a whiny lonely little bitch. But I prefer gloomy. It's my fucking diary. If I'm going to be ridiculous I might as well be a bit nice to myself. But yeah Sveta I'm aware of which one is probably more accurate.

I didn't mean to drink this much. Just wanted the buzz in my head to smooth out a little. Everything getting real now. I fly out tomorrow. Then it's just a few days of practice and the games begin as they say. And the games will actually begin. The Olympic ones. God I'm so stupid. Everything going on and I'm getting drunk on my couch alone thinking about Jane? Jane Jane Jane fucking Jane. Jane will be there. And I'll be killing myself trying not to look at him when all I want to do is stare.

My mind keeps wandering to what it would be like if it was different. No Olympics, no rivalry, no MLH, no hockey. Or well maybe some. I can't imagine a world where Jane's not on the ice. In a thousand universes he's wearing skates in them all I think. And in the ones where I'm not I'd probably put them on just to follow him.

But it could be different. Even if hockey and him will always be a given. Maybe we'd meet in school. I'd get some scholarship and get out of Russia that way. Play hockey for some boring Canadian school. Are there schools in Ottawa? I'm sure there must be. Capital of boring. Surely they have a great university where they study economics and how to apologize endlessly. Four year degree on the ins and outs of proper lawn maintenance. He'd probably have gone to school if things had worked out differently. Probably Ottawa. I'm sure he wouldn't want to be far from his loving parents. Seeing them at the awards after rookie season made it obvious. It isn't just the money and the fame. I think they might really love him not just what he can give them. Made me so fucking angry to see it on top of everything else back then. Of all the shitty things I think that might actually be the worst one. Wishing that his family was a little more like mine. Hoping in a way that he was like me so he might have a chance at understanding me at all. Just one language we could properly share. Instead I remain a mystery to him. At least mysteries are endlessly fuckable right? The curiosity is enticing. The only plus side to all of this. I don't actually wish my kind of parents on anyone. How could I knowing like I do what it's like? Two grand obelisks looming over me, their titles etched in the marble. The dead and the dying. The broken and the gleeful destroyer. One gone and the other on his way. I hope both of his live a long time. I hope they have wonderful Christmases and many birthdays. I hope his father fastens his cufflinks and his mother fixes his tie for him on his wedding day.

Maybe in some other universe his is mine too.

Maybe there we'd meet in some classroom instead of on the ice with a mountain of baggage and expectation already. Maybe he sits next to me in some boring class. I ask him to borrow a pencil claiming I've forgotten mine but really I just want an excuse to talk to him. My English would be better probably, I'd have taken it in school, my eyes fixed on the prize of a western university. Father wouldn't have forbade me from taking it. Demanding to know what I needed English for when the KHL was my future. Maybe we'd meet after for coffee and study in the library. I'd kiss him under some shady oak tree by the fields where students play Frisbee like in the American movies. We'd carve our initials in the base of it with a cheap pocket knife late one Friday, shitty tequila on our breath from a party I talked him into going to. Four little letters would sit tucked in a sea of other young couples who did the same, all hoping their love will last to graduation. Maybe there ours would. Maybe it would last far past that. Maybe no one cares when they catch me looking. I could let out the awe I'm always hiding when I see him.

I wonder if we'd play well on the same team. Every time I'm near him I know exactly where he is. On the ice or off of it. It's like I can hear the beat of his heart from across the rink, the sound of his blood pumping, the contraction and relaxation of his muscles as he shoots through the neutral zone. Mouth parted just slightly, eyes bright with determination. His sharp inhalations the only evidence of his exertion. I'm some bloodthirsty monster specifically in-tuned to him. I'm programmed to find him and destined to never stop looking for the spots he'll be. I daydream sometimes of being on the same line as him. Power play unstoppable. We'd clean up, four straight years of domination. And then we'd graduate, two boring jobs, citizenship. Backpacking in Europe one summer when we're 25 and weekend trips to some lake his parents love during the rest of them. A couple fluffy mutts in the backyard of a suburban dream. Two kids with freckles, he's reminding us all to reapply sunscreen.

0222

God I'm so hungover how much did I drink last night? I need to be on the fucking plane in just over an hour. Car is fucking late. Of course it is. I hate to be hungover on a flight this long. Not full of great ideas last night was I. Sveta's right I really am a needy drunk. I latch on the stupidest shit. Things that don't even matter! How fucking humiliating. I'm glad I'm not taking this with me. Cold turkey is the way to go. A gold medal is the perfect cure. I'll win and I won't need this anymore. I'll make my country proud. Father won't have a choice but to acknowledge it. Alexei will have to keep his fucking mouth shut for once. Maybe the next time he asks for money I'll say no. I'll tell him to go fuck himself. To go work for the cash he blows on coke, whores and gambling. Maybe he'd think more about the hand he's dealt if it were his money in the chips in front of him. I'll finally be able to do it if this goes the way I need it to. The way it just has to.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #honey #I'm gonna hold your hand while I say this #but you want him #and more than just his #body #lily I'm begging you to look back at your old entries #does that seem like someone who doesn't care. #you dreamed of Jane you dumbass

Notes 1,004

raisedfromperdition

"Maybe in some other universe his is mine too." Huh? Excuse me? what! Lily are you saying what I think you're saying?

snakesnakesnake🔁

LILY! LILY! YOUNG MAN GET BACK HERE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

theskullonthemantel🔁

If what you think he's saying is that he wants to marry Jane then yes I think he's saying what you think he is.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

Aren't they only 22? What in Latter Day Saints timeline is he going on.

Thosetwogayhobbits 🔁

Well he's about to go to Salt Lake for the Olympics. Maybe he's trying to get in the spirit?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations # WHAT #huh #this is not casual behavior sir #2002 Winter Olympics #fellas its normal to fantasize about marrying your fuck buddy right #right?

Notes 541

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

if I'm going to be ridiculous I might as well be a bit nice to myself. Huh. Okay. Interesting. I'm going to need you to look up the the definition of nice right now and read it aloud to the class.

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @helpimobsessed

I have to ask is being nice to yourself in the room with us right now?

DarcyHandFlexes

Lily's biggest fantasy that he can only admit to himself when he's drunk is that he wants someone to love him enough to remind him to reapply sunscreen.

Silent_onthehill🔁

theskullonthemantel🔁

What gets me is that it's so mundane, but it really does take a certain kind of effort and care? Like you have to remember to pack the sunscreen and when the last time it was applied. You have to take into account how sunny it is and what activity you're doing. Are you hiking or swimming? And you do all of that so you don't get sunburned and experience discomfort.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

And to reduce your chances to get skin cancer! He wants to be loved by someone who wants him healthy at 75 not just fun at 22.

Onyourleftagain 🔁

Why do they call you Judas when Lucifer's actually your real name?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Sorry!

i'mreadyforit🔁

I'm going to need a slow burn college AU fic to recover from this specifically.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Jane/lily, over 100k, completed, fix it, happy ending, no one dies/everyone lives, no major character death….

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #2002 Winter Olympics #lily #judas #just kill me already #sunscreen #lily just wants to be loved so bad I can't stand it #his biggest dream is literally a family I'm jumping off a cliff #someone please write some fanfic #im begging.

My low HDL @justtoodamnbad

the most tragic part of it all is that lily could have spent his time at the Olympic village putting Jane through the headboard but instead he definitely spent it miserable about how he's a shameful failure and only thinking about how much he wants to put jane through the headboard. #Russiandiaries #losttheplot

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @justtoodamnbad

That's the tragic part???

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot
Replying to @justtoodamnbad

Lost the plot? What part of them being at the Olympics, a highly televised event with a fuck ton of journalists, while they are in the closet do you not get? That is like the whole plot.

My low HDL @justtoodamnbad
Replying to @Kath-reads-a-lot

I mean yeah, okay? sure they could fuck in a closet. Why not.

---

High @themotel6

Just walked past the most sexually charged argument between two women that I have ever seen. Something about their gf(?) Lily needing to fuck their other gf(?) Jane? Hard to tell. Very animated. Lesbian polycules are on a different level y'all.

Chapter End Notes

A huge thank you to CherSandles for having beta’s this for me. They were actually the deciding factor on if I kept the section about the dog following him. It was the first thing I wrote for this way back in March and I really thought it was a classic case of needing to kill your darlings.
Thank you much to everyone who has commented on this fic they all mean so so so much to me. Merelyplayers comments on the last chapter did particularly delight me. I ended up cutting it because it didn’t fit, but in the part where Ilya is dreaming of what a normal life with Shane would have been like he 100% thinks of himself as a professor or at least a teacher of some kind.

Chapter 8: 8

Chapter Notes

Still suffering @3612always

Checked one of my old RPF fics on a whim and there was a new comment on my truly ancient Rybnikov/McGoff fics from back in the day. What??? #3612

Fancy soap collector @lushluver

Replying to @3612forever

Did the young people discover the gay vibes of the hockey archives? I thought ff.net was dead.

Sof @buttpucks

Replying to @3612forever

Hasn't one half of that ship literally been dead for over a decade?

Still suffering @3612always

Replying to @buttpucks

Well it's a tale as old as time I guess. No one can resist the call of doomed Yaoi.

Sof @buttpucks

Replying to @3612forever

In a world with truly plentiful hockey RPF options (I mean we are talking about #shayden,#hollonov,#huntonov and the list goes on) what on earth makes you go hunting for #3612 fic?

Bree 4 real @m2mcandie

Replying to @3612forever

Oh my god just checked one of mine from literally 2008 and it has three new comments. What is going on?

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 10 2019

0222

I've never been so glad to be home. My house, my bed, playing again with my team. The one I can usually trust not to completely embarrass me. They are nothing like that shitshow that I just came from. Not that I can really blame them as much as I might want to. Father was right our failure rests firmly on my shoulders. I've taken it. Nothing to do with failure but possess it. Swallowed it even in all its bitterness and tried to not let father see me flinch at the taste of it. I can feel it settled in my stomach. I'm not able to metabolize it into something useful yet. Shame is a jagged useless thing that shifts inside me. Bleeding internally where it cuts me. Time could help maybe, though if I'm being realistic I know I may never fully digest it. All I can do is keep going. I have to leave it all behind now. Ignore the feeling of it. It's over. No use reminiscing. I have to get back to what I know.

I know this city. Know how fucking horrible the traffic is. I know where the good food is and what's just shit for drunk tourists. I know these fans. The thrum and beat of them in the stands. Their expectations are simple, disappointment easy to gauge. They make me work for it sure, every second of every shift. They watch like drunken snipers and analyze every move I make. Spilling their overpriced beers and screaming creative vulgarities when I fuck up. And even more so when I don't. Love conditional on victory but yet still possible to obtain. A well trodden path laid out in front of me. It's never easy to win them over. They're rough around the edges and changeable with their admiration. But the course is easily charted. There's a map even if we must sail through rough shark infested waters.

I never meant to but I know this city. It happened while I was looking the other way. I wonder if just maybe in some small way, she knows me too.

0222

When did I start thinking of Boston as home? I have a home. A real one. A country and a people. A city I took my first steps in. A rink that raised me. A park not far from the apartment I shared with mama. A headstone in a cemetery far more run down than she deserves. Her death too shameful for the family plots. I belong to every run down corner and every loud vendor.

I belong to them even if they can never really belong to me.

I failed them. There is no getting around it. It doesn't matter what Sveta says, how she lays it out to be prettier than it is. I can't escape it by running the fuck away. But maybe it's just my nature. To never look at something straight on. To replace the things I've broken instead of fixing them. I've never built anything, I just run to the next thing after I've let a legacy crumble. Alexander's seven generals all war within me. Where there ought to be unity there is only disruption.

I ignore him instead of answering him. And then I ignore that I'm ignoring it on purpose. To avert your eyes means you care if you see it. So I stare through like it's nothing. Because it has to be. 'Hey you doing okay?' is burned on the inside of my eyelids. A bad omen. A curse that lingers like a nice cologne. What did he even want me to say? Could he not look around and see the answer to that fucking question? Did he send it just to make himself feel better? Poor poor Lily. Let me check in on him so I don't feel so guilty if he throws himself off a building like he almost did after that stupid rookie of the year award.

Despite everything I can't bring myself to delete it and it's too late to answer it. It would be nice I think to text him back. To fall back into the rhythm of things we were just starting to find after that night in his apartment. Falling into a routine of some sort. However dangerous it is. The settledness of knowing we'd probably meet up again when he comes to Boston. Comfortable is probably the word I'm looking for. It all could have been so easy. It's easy to want him. To desire him. To daydream of running my mouth between the spattering of freckles in his inner thighs, whispering the kind of shit that would make him crazy. He's easy to undo. A neat little bow knot I tug undone with my teeth. The rest of it is too much to handle. A sliver of care buried under my fingernail infected. It glows in my phone. My undoing. Fingers pressing into a tender bruise. I'm not meant to hold things like this I think. I'm a simple mammal. Fuck eat drink. Play good hockey. Sometimes. When I'm not wearing my country's colors. Too much of the fucking and drinking maybe. probably. I think Sveta might be worried about me. She holds her concern in her eyebrows.

I can't do the rest of it. I'm not built for it. To look at him now would burn out my eyes. Eye sockets black and scorched like I'd stared directly at the sun. Or the face of god. To hear him speak in the quiet privacy of a dark bedroom would surely deafen me. Blood pouring out of my ears as he whispers please.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Buddy #Maybe this one time you can give in and just call him. #Jane is a…bow knot #Like a shoe #cute? #I do not know what happened at the Olympics but it really fucked up our boy.

Notes 960

theskullonthemantel

The Russian diaries really taking me to such a dark place. Truly it's never been worse. I can't believe I've let them return me to my darkest hour.

readyforit🔁

I'm sorry you are not doing well. I know the diaries can be a bit heavy. You should really take a break if it's affecting you're mental health.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Oh no! Sorry! I'm fine mentally. I meant fanfiction.net

raisedfromperdition🔁

I don't think I would ever describe you as fine mentally but I'm glad your not depressed.

theskullonthemantel🔁

*you're

raisedfromperdition🔁

Oh fuck you.

readyforit🔁

Here we go again

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Fanfiction #ff.net #Not depressed just on such a bad website #the ads I can't #AO3 my beloved #get 3612 on AO3 #Mentally well? I don't think so #just not depressed #Fuck off #Maybe try learning to spell? #oh my god #they are arguing in the tags again.

Notes 440

Silent_onthehill

Silent_onthehill🔁

I joke but actually I'm convinced that they might be the only ones that care enough to actually look at him. I think Sveta at least must suspect that he's struggling, right?

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

We basically got confirmation of that. "She holds her concern in her eyebrows."

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Not to be depressing but like…does Jane care about Lily. Do we really get any indication that all of this isn't one sided?

Dontphonehome🔁

Onyourleftagain 🔁

Everytime you say anything I stare at a wall and disassociate so good job I guess.

snakesnakesnake🔁

He texted him? he texted him right? He asked him if he was okay right??? He's not like dreaming of some soft future and longing for some fuckboy who doesn't care about him RIGHT???

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Him texting him once to do a very basic check in does not an emotional connection make. Listen I'm not saying anything for sure. I'm just saying we don't know. We are seeing a very small slice of this relationship.

9'sleatherjacket🔁

Is Jane a Fuckboy or not a fuckboy. That is the question.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Calling Jane the fuckboy when Lily's friends with benefits is like hey maybe you're sleeping with too many people is crazy.

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

Can't they both be fuckboys? They are professional athletes after all. Fuckboy4fuckboy one might say.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

We have said fuckboy too much. The word no longer has meaning to me.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Sveta and Jane joined by being the only ones that give a damn about Lily. #I hope anyway #Don't say that #OUCH #Jane a Fuckboy? #fuckboy4fuckboy

Notes 756

Onyourleftagain 🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan 11 2019

0222-LA

Why do I make simple things so complicated?

0222-ANA

Fuck those smug bastards. Fuck them. Fuck their sisters, Fuck their mothers. Fuck the girls they wanted when they were young and stupid. Too involved in hockey and covered in adolescent acne to pull their teenage crushes. This was never a problem for me, but I understand in that way I'm unusual. What the hell, I'd normally draw the line at infidelity, too messy, but I'd make the exception for their wives and girlfriends. I'll get reckless with it. I'm sure some of their fathers and brothers would be down too.

Fuck all of them. I'm throwing away everything on my shelf from their god forsaken county. It shouldn't be hard, I'm not even that attached to Veidenbaums. Though maybe Belševica can stay. To a coward bravery always counts for something.

0222-SEA

Father can't seem to let any of it go. This was the one thing his disease was supposed to make easier. Instead my failure is recycled over and over again. Fresh like it just happened. My disappointment rotting in his living room. His fatherly pride the carcass of some carrion, Alexei swarming like a vulture.

His unraveling brain caught in its tangle. A knot he can't brush through no matter how hard any of us tug. Disappointment sharp and new in his voice every time he calls. Is Alexei bringing it up to him over and over? Is that the cause of this? Or do my shortcomings just transcend his new limitations? Forget that I'm halfway across the world calling me up to remind me of groceries we need in the middle of the night. Forget his granddaughter's name. Forget who the child even is. Forget that his wife is dead and the name of her replacement. But hold on to the confirmation that I am just what he's always known me to be. Cuff me and wrap me in the heavy chains of my failures. Throw me into the deep water. Sveta's face warped by the ripples in the surface as she reaches to grab me. Frantic look in her eyes as my shirt slips through her fingers unable to get a proper grip. The hurt look on Jane's face preserved in mosaic by a school of fish. They all watch me as I struggle against the shackles bound to the silty sea floor. I suppose it's my fate to be an anchor in the treacherous waters of his memories. His disappointment in me a touchpoint so familiar he will always find his way back home.

0222-LV

I'm supposed to be the showman. The cocky asshole. But now I can't stand them all looking at me, pity written in the twitch of their noses. Can't decide if that is worse than the disgust written on father's face or not. Or the glee etched into the curve of Alexei's smirk. They are all staring. Every time I go anywhere. Feel eyes following me like a rash underneath my suit collar. Tie too tight on my windpipe. Failure is written across the back of my jersey. It's all I hear when they talk about me. It's the undercurrent of all their analysis. We all know what they mean. Everywhere I go I carry it. My scarlet letter stitched over my breast. My name used to mean something. Or at least I thought it might have. No wonder father's so ashamed. That this lingers when so much else fades. Our name now equivocal when I thought it was a proof.

0222

I read that the Winged Victory of Samothrace was painted once. Looked at a glossy picture of her as she stands still caught in a moment of motion forever. Wings spread on the bow of her warship with no head. No face. All her color scrubbed away by time. Traces of blue on her wings the only shadow of her former glory. What color did they paint her lips. What did her face look like? Was she sad? Was she lonely? Or was her face fixed in determination, facing glory unflinching? How did her arms lay before they crumbled away from her shoulders? Were they raised high in anticipated glory. Did she hold a staff or a trumpet like the experts supposed? Or were they reached out in front on her, hands wet and bloody where she cradled her own heart like an offering.

Is she happy there in Paris? So far from home. Gawked at by strangers sitting at the top of her staircase? Would it have been better maybe if she had stayed buried. Anonymous and wasting away in home soil the feet of her people stepping over her unmarked grave.

0322

I think I might be playing the best hockey of my career. I thought you weren't supposed to know you're living in the golden days until they're over? Why doesn't winning feel like the answer anymore?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #welcome back to another episode of lily's shitty family #featuring Lily's self sacrificing nature #memory problems #anchors #the winged victory of Samothrace

Notes 997

Dying House Plant @watermeplease

Rip Nikolai Rybnikov you would have loved Percy Jackson. #3612 #russiandiaries

Still suffering @3612always

What the fuck???

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

When complicated came out a month after the last #russiandiaries installment was written I hope Lily felt appropriately chastised.

readyforit

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

We really do go from I hate them so much I'm going to seduce every person in their lives to get back at them to I'd let my family sacrifice me if it means my fathers mental decline will be delayed.

faethinfigueroth🔁

Ah yes chirping as self soothing. A true Lily original.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Listen he's either roasting someone in his journal or he's exploring his emotions under the pretense of like six layers of metaphors so he doesn't have to acknowledge the truth of them.

tryingnottoblink🔁

Lily's got three looks (three looks) and that's it!

Samlicker81🔁

Roasting that admiral for being old

Wanting Jane but not texting him back.

Angsting about his family

And that's all he knows how to do!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily #two wolves #lily's self soothing methods #metaphors #three looks

Notes 550

R/russian diaries

U/HollonovTruther_42

Lily IS Ilya Rozanov we have the timeline all wrong

When you look at the details we have compiled together it is the only explanation. Let's start at the beginning

1.) Lily and Jane met for the first time before the draft at what we presume was the prospect cup in Canada. Ilya and Shane faced each other for the first time in Canada in 2008 when they were both 17. It's not a great leap to think they met there for the first time.

2.) Ilya Rozanov was drafted 1st overall to Boston beating Shane Hollander who went second to Montreal. He was very newly 18 so this aligns with that entry's label assuming that it is based on his age and the month it's written.

3.) Both Ilya and Shane were sent back to their junior teams post draft which is very uncommon for draft picks of their level. They also both led those teams to the finals in the international prospects cup which was held in Ottawa in 2009. Notably Russia got silver and Canada took gold at this event.

4.) Lily describes being in an interview with Jane at 'A.S' when he's 19 during their rookie season. We can assume he means all stars here. The month would fit. Shane and Ilya were interviewed during their first all stars in Nashville. If you watch the footage from this event it is very clear that Ilya is struggling with the questions being asked. Shane does pretty notably step in during a particularly confusing question. Also during this time Lily refers to the fact that he should be out fucking a 'wannabe country music star' and about how he has never slept with a girl in cowgirl boots. This comment only makes sense in the context of them being in Nashville, the country music capital of the world.

5.) Shane won rookie of the year making the entries written about the awards make a lot more sense.

6.) I hate to bring this up but from the Irina Foundation announcement from back in November we do know that Ilya's mother also committed suicide just like Lily's mom.

8.) Lily goes on a tangent about a famous statue. Again if we are assuming about the months. There was a Montreal/Boston game where Ilya played truly extraordinarily but it lacked any pizzaz? It's hard to tell what he is saying but that man is usually running his mouth all the time, especially when it's against the Metros (Shane Hollander basically) but that game there was nothing. One might say he was acting …statuesque.

7.) The most damning bit of evidence actually came from the most recent installments. Lily says "Fuck all of them. I'm throwing away everything on my shelf from their god forsaken county. It shouldn't be hard, I'm not even that attached to Veidenbaums. Though maybe Belševica can stay." He's talking about two Latvian authors here. Eduards Veidenbaums and Vizma Belševica. Now who would have reason after the Olympics to be pissed off at Latvians? Ilya Rozanov would as he was just knocked out of medal contention by Latvia suffering a huge embarrassment on home soil.

There is honestly tons of other clues if you really look for them but this post has gotten long enough as it is.

15⬆️ 321⬇️ 231💬

🔒 Locked Post. New comments can not be added

Fell'sshopis_open

Begone foul fiend!

Hollygetshattricks

No but seriously release me from the RPF. I simply wish you didn't exist

Loosingdogbet-23

delusion is a crazy thing I have to say

Hollygetshattricks

Ilya and Shane? Girl you do NOT know them like that.

northstar_dick

When you get so lost in the weeds you start to think those hockey players are your real life friends.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Op this reads like a manifesto. Like please don't go commit any acts of violence and get us exposed on the news please

Loosingdogbet-23

'There is honestly tons of other clues if you really look' oh we know you are really looking OP.

Xreme4Xsquad18

Looking so hard between the lines you went blind and stumbled into the worst possible conclusion.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Maybe they should try looking for professional help.

screaming_crying17

Mods??? Ban please????

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Sadly it is not against the rules to be incorrect. It is though to tell someone to kill themselves or threaten violence against anyone so everyone be on your best behavior. I'll hand out more bans don't think I won't.

Hollygetshattricks

No rules about public shaming for bad takes though right.

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Correct please carry on you are doing gods work

Pointlessly_lollygagging

Oh so somebody did not take their anti psychotics today. Please call your care provider OP and get back on your meds.

HollonovTruther_42-OP

it's okay everyone. They hated Jesus too for preaching the truth.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Don't compare yourself to shappo and flowers. They contribute things of value.

Loosingdogbet-23

God what is with this sub lately. First the post about Lily being whiny in his own fucking diary and now this.

burning_flame587

Well it is Reddit let's not forget. You should know what this app is like. To be honest I'm surprised it stayed this nice until now.

screaming_crying17

On one side you have pointless hateration and on the other the stupidest most delusional take you've ever seen. Welcome to Reddit!

andmyass42

If this 'evidence' is so iron clad why did you have to assume so much to make your points work.

myfruits_gonebad

Girl just write fanfiction at this point and leave us alone.

roses4_rosie

Okay but why do I kind of see it

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Stay on the righteous path child. Do not let yourself be distracted by how criminally hot Roz and Holly fucking would be. It's a trick of the devil.

Onlythree_lemons

okay I'll bite let's break down your 'evidence'.

1.) so did every other pair suggested by cents not censible in their identity speculation post as well as some that weren't. This is not special or notable

2.) we never get if Lily went #1 overall just that he beat Jane. Nothing notable or special here either

3.) lots of Russian players play for their juniors team after they were drafted because immigration can be a nightmare. Rybnikov did as well as many others. McGoff also stayed on with his junior team for a year. (Not that I'm completely sold on the Rybnikov/McGoff theory either but the comparison basically makes itself) No one was really sure why. And he wasn't the first and he won't be the last to do that. Also not to bring real hockey into our gay yearning diaries but Russia and Canada spent the better part of ten years trading back and forth between gold and silver at the prospect cup until in the early 2000's Canada went on a six year winning streak. This is the one that Roz broke back in 2008. So the order that they won does not really narrow anything down at all.

4.) that entry is so vague. It's really only about how hard of a time Lily was having with English and the fact that Jane helped him out. You want more examples of shit like that look at every interview with a guy in the mlh that doesn't speak English as their first language during their first couple of seasons. Most of them are clearly struggling. Also the a.s in the 1999 season was held in Dallas. I'm not a Rybnikov purist or anything but come on now.

5.) there have been posts analyzing why the result of that award doesn't matter

6.) then why did you? Seriously. I find it deeply inappropriate. Mental heath is still today even in the west often deeply stigmatized and I'll just leave it at that

7.) now you KNOW you are reaching with that.

8.) is a man not allowed to have a beef? I'm asking? Can't he just write about the bitch that is pissing him off in his journal. Haven't you ever just hated a mother fucker so much that you can't even read books from their country. Because I for sure have.

andmyass42

I think I just witnessed a spanking

onfathersshelf

Seeing it all laid out just made me wonder if we are on the right track period. Like are we sure he's even playing for Boston.

Getoffmy_balcony

He only says it a million times

onfathersshelf

And he also uses a code name for the guy he's half in love with in his own diary. Wouldn't surprise me if he just replaced the team because he was paranoid

Getoffmy_balcony

You think he is that paranoid about someone reading this diary?

onfathersshelf

Look at where we are right now dumbass. I think he was right to be.

northstar_dick

Oh my god Now that you say that he hasn't mentioned playing Long Island yet. Wouldn't they typically play them during the same nyc nj dc road trip? You got a big ass brain damn.

Sof @buttpucks

what the fuck are the #russiandiaries?

Chapter End Notes

Real hockey facts in my HR fanfic? Less likely than you think! No but seriously I take real life stuff when it works for me and mess around with it when it doesn’t. So nothing I say is supposed to resemble anything real whatsoever.
Bit of an early update this week but it was done so I figured what the hell. I’m going to be super busy this 4th of July weekend sleeping until noon and trying to comfort my dog as my neighbors set of their life savings worth of fireworks so I might as well just post it now.
Anyway that Reddit post at the end. Got really into the idea of writing from the perspective of someone who is so convinced they are right that they then make like the worst possible argument and fail at getting their points across well. The irony of the fact that they are correct was really delicious to me. I hope it didn't come off as tooooo annoying they are right after all.
As always a huge thank you to my Beta CherSandles. I wrote the majority of this chapter on my phone in the middle of the night and I fear I handed them quite the project this week (sorry!). This fic really wouldn’t be what it is without them!
Just a heads up there will not be a chapter next week. Not that anyone is really paying attention to this fic like that but I’d feel guilty if I didn’t mention it. I want to get a week ahead so I have more time to let things sit and make changes. Anyway the next chapter should be posted on the 17th.
Thank you so much for reading!!!!

Chapter 9: 9

Chapter Notes

r/russiandiaries

u/Hellhound-puppychow

Between blue lines is moving to AO3

A classic hockey RPF fanfiction and fanart archive is moving to ao3. Founded in 1999, it was one of the biggest collections of late 90s to mid 2000s hockey RPF fanworks, the most notable category being 3612 (Rybnikov/McGoff for the uninitiated) works. You can read the full announcement here. Usually I'd pay no mind to this as it's usual open door stuff, but I just have to ask. Which one of you guys made this happen because you wanted to read (maybe) Russian diary fanfic on a site that wasn't completely ass on mobile? Because of the timing, I simply can't believe it wasn't one of us. This fandom is truly something else.

65⬆️ 12⬇️ 39💬

screaming_crying17

It wasn't me but I'm very grateful to whatever valiant soldier made this happen for us.

Janesfreckle_constellations

The collection is already up, and I'm telling you there are some GEMS in there.

northstar_dick

I am on my hands and knees thanking whoever made this happen. I was STARVING.

roses4_rosie

you're welcome :)

Hellhound-puppychow-Op

Really???

roses4_rosie

Yeah! In all seriousness, it wasn't that hard. The admin of that archive posted that they couldn't keep it running well anymore, and luckily I was able to get in contact with them before they shut it down and point them towards open doors. I'm just glad it worked out!

screaming_crying17

It was actually one of us???

Strangerimindanger

Young people oh my god. So much energy. So much get up and go. There is hope for the next generation

dead-gel-pen86

You are acting like you are on your death bed when I know you turned 38 not 98 last weekend.

Liartoldyouthat

Oh my god Lily/Jane fanfic on ao3. Alexa play all I do is win.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Alexa turn that shit off. Cents lost again last night and I am not in the mood for our fuck ass goal song

Liartoldyouthat

God we have got to change that. I think it's a curse.

Hollygetshattricks

If you don't want to hear it when the centaurs are losing, are you ever in the mood to hear that song?

Cents_Not_Centsible

….No

Sadlittlerat🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 15 2019

0322

I dreamed of that bathroom again. Ostentatious and ridiculous in its opulence. Sasha presented himself to me like a present. All his sharp angles wrapped up in a luxury suit. Eyes like a predator, pose like he's playing the prey. Sveta brought him to me, or me to him really. Her attempt to band-aid a gushing wound with an old vice. He's a tried and true method. Usually a welcome distraction. He will hurt differently, so the bruises you came with don't ache so badly. Beautiful too. Always has been. There is a reason maybe why I wanted him even at fifteen. I wasn't stupid even then. Knew every kiss was a risk, every touch spelled disaster. But there was something Feline about him. Looking at my record, maybe that's something I like in a man. Though he couldn't be more different than him even if he was trying. Chameleon though he is, of Jane there can be no forgery. No one else could capture the starry night. Even prints can not do it justice. Jane is so unlike him.

Jane is a little house cat. Smart and a bit skittish. Faster than he has any right to be. Coat shiny and a little blue collar around his neck. Someone's name and number etched on a small tag. Curious, though, enough that he can't help but look. Padding carefully through the heirlooms and picture frames placed upon the mantel. Peaking at intruders in his domain through the gaps in the books he's hidden behind. Two glowing eyes, the only part of him visible from whatever corner he's lurked into. Sweet though, if you manage to earn his trust. Possible to coax him with enough patience. A still hand outstretched, trying not to breathe as he approaches.

Though both clever and nimble, Sasha and him could not be more different. He bites when you hold out your hand, teeth sinking into the meat of your palm. He would sooner die than carry someone else's name around his neck. Sasha behaved more like a stray than a boy when we were young. Large eyes and bony torso. Fur a bit matted from neglect. Not yet full grown but the top half of his left ear already bitten off from a nasty fight with another alley cat. Growing quickly but paws too big for his body. Willing to rip anyone to shreds for less than a look. For a breath if the mood struck him. I think half the time we kissed, it tasted of blood. Being young and stupid still tastes like copper to me. Now he's more like some large jungle cat. Comfortable in using his beauty to pull in the unsuspecting before he pounces. Canines breaking skin when you only expected a tender kiss. Not realizing he's gone for the killing blow until it's too late to push him away. Sharp teeth ripping out your jugular as you moan. Ecstasy turned lethal, his tried and true signature. I'm sure he's left behind a trail of lovesick corpses. All clutching at the wounds he inflicted, trying to stanch the bleeding. In pain, yet still pleading for him to come back and take more if it means he will hold them as he consumes what's left of them.

Sasha loves to watch them fall in love. Loves to coax that sweet, glassy lovesick look out of someone. Feeding them perfect sticky lies so their blood tastes sweeter. He listens for the unevenness of breath and the rapid heartbeat like he's trying to crack a safe. Almost supernatural in the way he can smell love, breaking out all its parts into just the chemicals. He bathes in the pheromones of adoration. My equal but opposite. We are monsters of the same species but different breeds. I think the taste of love and adoration gives him a better high than the coke, though I'm pretty sure he prefers the cocktail of the two. And anything else that strikes his current fancy. He's always been that way. Girls mostly back home. Safer in Moscow for that to be your main pursuit. My teammates' sisters and cousins. Girlfriends sometimes, though that got him more than one black eye. On one notable occasion when we were sixteen, one of their mothers too. That was a particularly large mess. He likes a complete set. He's a collector of affections. Maybe that's why he still comes for me when Sveta calls. Why he hasn't gotten bored and flitted away for whatever higher stakes love games he's into in Paris now. He hopes to add my heart to his shelf. Wants to stare at mine among all his other trophies and know they all beat for him. But when he reaches his hand deep into my chest ready to collect his prize, his fist closes around nothing. How long has the cavity been empty? Not even I know when the tomb was desecrated. Why is there no corpse in the sarcophagus?

0322

Am I more honest when I'm exhausted, three hours of fitful sleep full of unsettling dreams? Or do I lie more, trying to protect the vulnerable wounded parts of me from exposure? Has it gotten so bad that I truly don't know if I am lying or speaking the truth anymore? Even to myself? Have the two become so intertwined within me it's not possible to tell the difference?

0322

I knew I was dreaming this time. I've never dreamed this much before. Usually just the occasional fuzzy memory, the sound of mama's quiet morning singing still echoing in my ears. When I wake, barely holding on to it but grasping desperately as it fades, I blame the burning of my eyes on my early morning alarm instead of the taste of mama's cooking still lingering on my tongue.

I was back in that fucking bathroom. Gold-plated and extravagant. A display of wealth so pointless. Elegant for the sake of the impression. Why was that bath even there? While I dreamed, it felt almost like a set piece. Sasha with his leg draped over one side as he watched me. He reminded me of some poisonous flower. Colorful and Beautiful. Perfect for a lovely bouquet or centerpiece, but even the slightest touch might send you into paralysis.

They are incomparable. I don't think it's possible for them to exist in the same room. So why do I seem so dead set on comparing them in my subconscious?

Sasha approached me just like he did at the gala, the sound of Sveta's heels clicking as she walked away. I smelled the cigarette smoke clinging to his silk shirt as he got close enough to me to touch. Except this time I closed my eyes. I let him kiss me, but he doesn't taste of ash. Instead, it's the minty freshness of toothpaste I've only ever seen in one bathroom in Montreal. Tasted in one mouth. I woke up with a start, Jane's face clear as day in my memory.

0322

What the hell is wrong with me? It's been weeks. At some point the wound has to close. Infection or otherwise, the stitches have to hold it together. I'll just ignore the scar if it doesn't heal clean.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Jane #is like a cat? #Lily likes cat men? #or cat like men? #okay you have a type cool. #Oh boy #Sasha #stay away from my boy #Sasha the heart collector #why were we so busy arguing about who's a #fuckboy #when that guy is there. #Lily's dream journal #Jane's fancy toothpaste? #we have the most random facts about him

Notes 1097

faethinfigueroth

Okayyyyyyy. So the relationship with Sasha is NOT the male equivalent of Sveta. Understood. Got it. Glad we could clear that up.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

I went from oh Sasha was there! to get Lily away from that mother fucker REAL quick.

snakesnakesnake🔁

I honestly can't believe Sveta brought him like. Girl, that guy is not good for your friend, and you have to know that.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

In my girl's defense, she probably just thought that getting laid would help? Like, here's a guy I know it's safe for you to sleep with. Hopefully that helps with whatever you're going through right now?

snakesnakesnake🔁

You think the fucking heart collector, rips out your jugular instead of kissing you, a single touch might send you into paralysis, is a safe person for your emotionally fragile friend to be around?

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

I meant safe as in he's a man he can sleep with that is not going to out him. Not necessarily emotionally safe. They obviously have some sort of sexual history.

readyforit🔁

Can we give them all a break? I mean they are childhood friends, so everyone we are talking about here is probably only 22.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Sasha #Sveta #Get that man away from my boy #even in his dreams. #call him #please

Notes 670

R/russiandiaries

U/youhavemypensword

What is Ilya Rozanov's brother's name?

To be clear, I'm not saying I think Lily is Ilya Rozanov. I am not looking for the smoke about that one. I honestly don't think they're real at all to be honest. Probably just lost by some author working their shit out in a new way or trying something way different. That doesn't mean I love them any less though. I just engage with them as I do with any other fiction. I'm mostly a lurker here but hollanovtruther_42 got me curious about Rozanov. He seemed like the most likely candidate if these things are real. I started with the biggest name we know, Alexei. Rozanov's wiki page says he has a brother named Alexei. You would think that would be cut and dry, but no. I noticed something weird. If you look at the edit history, it's been changed NINETEEN separate times between the names Andrei and Alexei. This is where it gets interesting. Nobody seems to know what this guy's name is! We get next to nothing about Rozanov's family in the press around him being drafted. Just one picture of him with a very serious looking older man, his father presumably. No mention of his mother (this makes sense with what we know now) and one mention of his brother, Alexei. So that settles it, right? His name is Alexei. Wrong. I tracked down a Russian article about him being drafted and had a friend of mine translate it for me. Same fare as before (no mention of mom, same picture from the American articles) but there his brother is referred to as Andrei Rozanov. Similar stuff throughout Rozanov's career. We get references to both names in both English and Russian articles about Rozanov and his family. Again, not a lot of mentions of his family at all, but when it is there is no consensus. Now this is where I might seem insane. My friend (same one that translated the other articles for me) got a little obsessed with this too and somehow stumbled upon a random article from a few years ago about some rink undergoing a renovation. Apparently it was the rink that Rozanov did a lot of his early training at and they got a short nothing quote from Andrei/Alexei. In this article, they only refer to him as Rozanov's brother. Like they don't even attempt to get his name right. I'm not much into hockey, and the actual hockey subs scare me, so does anyone know what this dude's fucking brother's name is? It's driving me crazy!!

Sweaty_shirtlessplease

So you stumbled onto a bit of lore only the die hard Rozanov fans know. Congratulations! We don't have any idea either!

youhavemypensword-OP

Seriously?

Sweaty_shirtlessplease

Yeah he is notoriously tight lipped about his family. We got no idea like anything about them. They also have never showed up on any of the Raiders family posts on socials. Not once. That is strange even for the guys whose families are overseas.

Ohcannonmycannon

Even weirder because he was the raiders star center and Captain! People were (and still are) very interested in him! Which means it's not about them not being able to come out. The Raiders would have made that happen if it was at all possible. He didn't want them there or they didn't want to be there.

Liartoldyouthat

Yeah none of us know what the fuck that dudes name is and I'd consider myself a pretty intense fan of his since his rookie season. The ongoing theory is that he must be the worst guy ever and Roz wants nothing to do with him or they are crazy close and he's really protective and wants him to have nothing to do with the media.

youhavemypensword-OP

the more you fucking know I guess

NO_RED_LIGHTS

Imagine you are so lame that even people in your own country don't even ask your name. They refer to you only as Rozanov's brother.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Which is also likely your last name too. They could also just call you Rozanov but no you have to be Rozanov's brother.

Janesfreckle_constellations

If someone did that to me about my brother I would never show my face again. Man must be exhausted of that shit.

Onlythree_lemons

Holy inferiority complex speed run

Sweaty_shirtlessplease

That's kind of inevitable. I mean if you are Ilya Rozanov's Normie brother how could you NOT have a complex.

HollanovTruther_42

Why didn't I think of looking up Rozanov's brother's name.

Sweaty_shirtlessplease

You didn't know about this?

AllStar_helmetkiss

I thought you must have excluded it because it was confusing and muddled your argument? Next you're going to tell me you also don't know Ilya Rozanov has a friend named Svetlana.

HollanovTruther_42

WHAT

Liartoldyouthat

Don't get too ahead of yourself. She hasn't been spotted at a single centaurs game (even when they were back in Boston recently) and she always used to post about going to his games in Boston. Not giving childhood best friend to me.

HollanovTruther_42

Oh 😞 got excited for a second.

AllStar_helmetkiss

I need you to know I'm on your side. I believe you. I think you're right! So know I say this with all the love in the world. Don't ever join a debate team. You would be so bad at it.

Takecoveritsabathbomb

Why doesn’t someone just ask him?

Ohcannonmycannon

Why would a journalist care to do that. They are (usually) (hopefully) professionals.

AllStar_helmetkiss

How would we do that? Tweet him? There is no way on earth he would ever answer you.

raisedfromperdition

"What the hell is wrong with me" more than I could ever list. But I can still help! Let's start by picking up your phone and dialing Janes number. Okay stay with me now.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Lily no! Do not go sleep with a random girl so you can pretend your feelings for Jane don't matter. No! Drop it!

theskullonthemantel🔁

Justcallhim!🔁

He will do anything but admit he wants to call him. My name becomes more true every day that goes by.

tryingnottoblink🔁

Fucking Men! UGHHH! Why are you dreaming of him? I don't know maybe because you are thinking about him all the time and you desperately want to reach out but won't let yourself? Lily please. Take one single step towards your own happiness I'm begging.

Thosetwogayhobbits 🔁

One small step for lily, one giant leap over Lily's self imposed emotional hurdles.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Please just call him #Lily will always pick to draw 25 #Your subconscious is screaming at you that you want to call him #and he's like #I wonder what that means?

Notes 671

raisedfromperdition 🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jan. 20 2019

0322

Just got off the phone with father, his tendency to call in the middle of the night has been getting worse. The girl I was too tired to kick out glared at me for waking her, thankfully she was gone by the time I came back to the bedroom. Saved me from being the asshole that calls her a ride at 3am. I can't believe I slept with her at all let alone brought her back here. I must have had more to drink than I thought. I fucking hate the smell of Chanel N 5. I'm going to have to wash my comforter, probably my pillows too. The call with father wasn't long. I don't think he realized he was calling even until I picked up. Like the reason he dialed didn't make it through the phone lines. Words dying as they traveled over the Pacific. Lost to the time difference. Maybe now it's just habit to call. Like driving home when you're exhausted. Pulling into your driveway when you suddenly realize you don't remember the trip at all.

0322

I think he might have been embarrassed. That's why the call this morning didn't last long. I don't think I've ever heard that from him before. I don't know if he's ever felt it before. Would he even know it if that was what he was feeling. Generals don't get embarrassed. They just send new foot soldiers to the front line. Cannon fodder for the mistakes of important men.

0322-FLA

Father called again. Not quite as late this time at least. He had forgotten what he was doing while running some errands. Got lost in a part of town he's known all his life. Around shops he took me to when I was a little boy. Just a couple blocks from were some family friends still live. There is an old picture of him when he was my age leaning against a street lamp in his police uniform. I'd sneak looks at the photo album when I was a boy not yet afraid enough of him to never defy him. Back when mama was still a wall between us and the worst of it. Still then I knew to only go looking when I knew he'd be away. It's between baby pictures of his brother who died long before I was born and the posed stony faces of his parents. I'd flip through the delicate tissue paper between, careful not to crease it looking for that picture. His uniform's a bit wrinkled in it, like he's on some break. Tie pulled just a bit loose because of the summer heat. Cigarette dangling from his mouth. It's the only picture I've ever seen of him smiling. In the background you can make out the corner he called me from wondering where he was like he hasn't walked those streets his whole life. Like he didn't spend my childhood working in a building not ten minutes from there.

Like he didn't take me to dinner at the restaurant a five minute walk from where he called me when I made the juniors team. The same man owns that place, he knows father's name and his order. He remembers to ask after Alexei's daughter when I stop by during the summer.

I don't even know why he was there. Whatever it was it couldn't have been important enough that they should have let him go off alone. His voice, I've never heard it like that. It wasn't embarrassment. It wasn't confusion. He was afraid. No longer the general of my childhood, just a scared sick old man. And for one sick twisted second as he spoke to me his voice shaking in terror, I was glad. Glad that for once he was afraid. Glad that he finally knew what it felt like. Glad that he was the small cowering one. That he knows what it felt like when he got home from work and we never knew what kind of day he'd had. Scared that if our silverware scratched too loudly against our plates at dinner his whiskey glass might end up shattered against the wall. His throw just narrowly missing someone's head. Hatred bubbled up inside me, uncurled from its slumber in the cavity where my heart should be. Showed me its face, a deformed beast with my eyes. For one second before I got myself together and called his worthless wife to come get him, I rejoiced that he might understand just a bit what it was like to listen to mama in those final weeks before she died. Weeping in the bathroom and not knowing what to do. Seeing her red eyes and hastily fixed makeup, nothing to do or say but to sit next to her as she wrote in her journal at the kitchen table. Promise to win silly hockey games as though that might do anything. Small and helpless like you're lost in a city you've lived in all your life.

I comforted him. Kept my voice calm and low. Stayed on the phone with him until someone got there. But it doesn't count. Not when I know what I felt first. I'm a monster playing at empathy.

0322-TBS

In that old picture of father, does he look a little like me? Or is it that I look like him?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Lily's dying dad #memory loss #When you get lost in a city you've known your whole life #and your son has a valid crash out about it #Lily you are allowed to be mad at him #that doesn't make you a bad person!!!

Notes 1131

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

Plane Tickets to Moscow

Where to buy gun in Moscow

Can you take bullets on a plane?

Can you shoot the elderly in Russia?

Oh sorry this isn't google. Don't mind me

Samlicker81🔁

Oh no officer that's just not possible. They were with me the whole time!

Onyourleftagain 🔁

I was there too! We spent a whole week watching the twilight saga on repeat and didn't leave each others sight for even a second. Yeah even to the bathroom. Real bonding experience.

snakesnakesnake🔁

Oh some old guy died. I'm so sorry to hear that. No my teeth aren't gritted. I'm. So. Sorry. He's. Dead.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lilys dad #stop making him feel bad Jesus #hes probably already dead but still #fuck that guy

Notes 487

Go for the Jill @stillofftheclock

"YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY AT YOUR ABUSIVE PARENTS" I scream to all the adults who were abused as children. They all think I'm talking to someone else #lily #russiandiaries

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @stillofftheclock

Yes obviously. That's true for all abused kids and especially lily. Not me though. I can't be mad at MY mom.

Go for the Jill @stillofftheclock
Replying to @watermeplease

I'm going to start smoking again.

theskullonthemantel

Through all the heartbreak and deep rooted sadness I'm feeling about the latest installment I have to wonder, What the hell is so wrong with Chanel No 5?

raisedfromperdition🔁

Other than it being a grandma perfume you mean.

theskullonthemantel🔁

That's the perfume I wear.

raisedfromperdition🔁

And it matches your grandma clothes and frumpy aesthetic perfectly.

theskullonthemantel🔁

14

theskullonthemantel🔁

That's the number of grammatical errors in the destiel drabble you posted yesterday. Impressive honestly for something that's only 200 words long.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Get. A. New. Joke. You. Dick.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Go. Back. To. 2nd. Grade. Lea.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Get. A. Room. And. Get. Off. My. Fucking. Dash. You. Stupid. Lesbians!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Chanel No. 5 #Grandmas clothes for your #Grandma perfume #Paul #Peter #they're flirting in public again #get me out of here #free us from the dumb Lesbians who won't just date but do #make it our problem

Notes 990

Fancy soap collector @lushluver

hey @roz81 for no particular reason, what's your brothers name? #Alexei or #Andrei?

Ilya @roz81✅
Replying to @lushluver

Neither. It's #asshole.

Pike#35 @jackieshusband✅
Replying to @roz81

Oh so it runs in the family then?

Ilya @roz81✅

Replying to @jackieshusband

Reply in 3 minutes?? Don't you have a 100 kids to take care of? Wife to disappoint? Hockey to be bad at?

Chapter End Notes

Bit of an early updated. Got too excited and couldn't wait to post it Oops! I'm nearly done with chapter 11 so I'm actually ahead of schedule now so posting a day early is my reward :)
As always, a huge thank you to my beta CherSandles. They pointed out an insane paragraph in this chapter that I ended up spliting into three. It was a MAMMOTH!
Thank you so much to for everyone who has read this thing or commented or kudos. It's been truly a crazy experience seeing the reaction to it. This thing has almost 1k kudos and that feels beyond insane to me.
Had some issues with the pictures this week so if they look crazy or aren't showing up for you please let me know!

Chapter 10: 10

Chapter Notes

R/beyondtheveil

u/dreamingof_jane

How much info do I need to contact a specific spirit?

I'm trying to make contact with a specific spirit, but I'm not 100% sure of his name. I have a nickname, but I'm not sure if that's enough. Trying to confirm if he is or isn't a specific person.

29⬆️ 8⬇️ 18💬

Praying4_theriver

I would say the nickname should be enough. Was this what you commonly called him?

dreamingof_jane

I never knew him. Lily was more of a code name that he used for himself if that makes sense?

Praying4_theriver

It doesn't

Old_rocks-63

Having an exact name will help you for sure. Do you have anything that belonged to the person? Are you able to go to a place they were connected to? This will increase your chances of success.

dreamingof_jane

Unfortunately, those are all things I'd like to confirm or get information about. Someone has his old diaries, but I don't think they would give them to me. Do you think having them would help? I could ask to borrow them.

Longlifeline

Who in the hell are you trying to talk to?

dreamingof_jane

I don't think he's in hell.

Embrace-the-fool

What methods are you using?

dreamingof_jane

Idk, like all of them? My grandma is lending me some of her stuff.

Embrace-the-fool

Why aren't you asking her for help? She would probably be a good resource for you.

Praying4_theriver

And if you don't, please, for the love of god be careful. And don't be disrespectful.

My-appleslices

I have a feeling that might be a lost cause. At least it doesn't sound like op knows where this guy is buried.

dreamingof_jane

I know where the guy that I think is Lily is buried!

Praying4_theriver

Do NOT disturb that poor guy's grave. I repeat, do not do that!!!

My-appleslices

Wait. Jane in the username, Lily mentioned as a code name, unknown identity….is this about the fucking Russian diaries guy??!!?

i'mreadyforit

Remember that stretch of time where we got new Lily diaries like twice a week? Sometimes only days apart. Not enough time passing to even recover from the heartbreak before getting hit with a sledgehammer again. Now nothing. When will rain come to water my barren ground?

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

It hasn't even been three weeks since her last post. Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

She's been really honest that both her and her translator are in grad school. We are properly back into the semester now. It makes sense that the posts have slowed down a bit.

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

Sorry, meant to post. Lot going on. Head of my department died. Everyone thinks his wife killed him. Apartment kinda burned down. Don't worry diaries are safe. Will be back soon!

i'mreadyforit🔁

Oh my god? Girl are you okay?

9'sleatherjacket🔁

Why did this read like a radio dispatch during a crisis. Like it's going in and out. I can practically hear the static.

Pleasejustbiteme

Oh my god, AO3 authors' curse is spreading!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily #when will my husband return from war #please come back #oh my god hi? #ao3 curse

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Feb. 12 2019

0322-CAR

I've never dreamed this much before. Never so vividly and with such clarity. They used to always fade so quickly, leaving me only with a dull throbbing ache. The comfort of memory gone, but the longing lingers. Crops up throughout the day. Like accidentally pressing on a bruise you didn't know you had. More painful because of the surprise.

We were at the figure skating short program. It's all laid itself out just as it happened. Feels like a million years ago now even though it hasn't even been two months. My subconscious dressing the scene perfectly, like I haven't relived it while I was awake a thousand times. It was cold, but my body felt hot with humiliation. Shame burns through me still like an infection, but there I was at the peak of my fever. Jane approached. Tentative but determined. Cheeks a little red from the cold, his fleece embroidered with a red maple leaf. He asks me if I'm okay. I'm so desperate for him to leave. Another skater takes the ice. If I turn to look at him, surely they will all know. I dream the panic as I felt it. He didn't leave then, he doesn't either when I dream it. He asks me why I didn't answer him in the form of a statement. Too vulnerable to make it a question. I feel as though I know the meaning behind his every word while also not understanding a single thing he's ever said. A beautiful package of contradictions. I'm tuned into Jane radio but I'm only hearing static. He's trying to hide behind casualness but he's the one who came looking for me? It makes no sense. Could he not help himself either? Does he feel the draw of it like I do? The gravitational pull of us, embedded in the tidal patterns, whispered in the rotation of the ground spinning beneath us? Us two together, hurtling aimlessly, trying to find meaning through nothingness.

I want to ask him. In this dream I almost do right there. Even now, sitting up in my bed at three in the morning, I can feel the words burn in my throat. I want to take his face in my hands and stare until I find the answers to all my questions. Still, as we stand together, my hands on his face, his arms limp, the secrets of the universe hidden in the pattern of freckles across his cheeks.

In reality, I called him boring, and I've been trying to forget the hurt tone of his cursing ever since. I watched him as he went. The obvious confusion at my cold, harsh behavior. Sasha and I are so similar. At least he knows himself. I didn't even realize I had bitten him until my teeth sunk into the palm of Jane's outstretched hand. The taste of blood showing me what I had done. I was surprised that he cared to even find me. He could never understand the danger he put himself in. He had to go. I would say like a lover scorned, but we aren't that. A convenient fuck scorned, maybe.

In the recreation of it in my dreams, he stays. There it's safe for him to linger. He gently pushes down my hastily constructed walls like they are just cardboard. Impressive facades but no real structure. The grand pillars really painted foam. Even after my childish lashing out, he stays. He stays when I'm vicious, when I'm gloomy, when I'm no fun at all.

The rink fades, blurring like watercolors. The people and the cameras' colorful brush streaks. My failures and his success drift away in the wind like they never mattered at all. Just sweeping swirls, we are the only thing left with crisp lines. He comes closer to me, stands shoulder to shoulder. Our fingers brushing. He says nothing as the world blends together, a masterpiece lost to my dream.

0322-CAR

Maybe I should try having one fucking normal night of sleep. Save the late-night pathetics for a day I don't have a fucking morning skate. Fuck, the lack of sleep makes me more whiny than too much shit tequila.

0322-PHI

Sometimes I don't think I'm real. Just a copy of a copy of a grainy picture in some text book. Barely visible on the print out. Handed out and thrown away. Dirty footprint on one that never even made it to the trash.

0322-PHI

Don't normal people write about their day? Dear Diary, I went to the store. Dear Diary, Kathy was such a bitch. Dear Diary, my husband has a tiny dick and never pleases me, so I've taken up fucking the pool boy instead.

It is just so like me to write such stupid shit in the middle of the night. If I had any sense I'd tear out all those pages, steeped as they are in my ridiculousness. But then I'd have to stare at the ripped edge, the crease lumpy as the new pages lay over my past mistakes. I suppose it's cleaner to leave it. A good reminder that rest is a better use of my time than my misinterpreted reflections

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily is tuned into #jane radio #how do I get on that channel #buddy it can't possibly be as you're imagining #jane's freckles #mentioned again and they apparently have the answer to #life #the universe #everything #janes freckles are #42

R/russiandiaries

U/theresnoonions

Discussion: "better use of my time than my misinterpreted reflections"

What do you think he means here?

131⬆️ 12⬇️ 99💬

Takecoveritsabathbomb

I've been thinking about this since I read it. I'm going to need you to walk me through all these misinterpretations buddy.

Ohcannonmycannon

My thoughts exactly. What exactly is there to misinterpret? You feel guilty and want to see him, so you have really vivid dreams about it. How can he possibly be talking himself out of that? He has a written record of it.

In_abox20

Well, it's Lily, so he'll find a way to make it seem like he can't possibly be emotionally invested in Jane. It's like his whole thing.

Janesfreckle_constellations

I think it was pretty obviously a deflection, right?

Onlythree_lemons

More than a deflection, a full disavowal

Janesfreckle_constellations

What exactly is the difference in this context?

HollanovTruther_42

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Apologies in advance for how long this is going to be. I think we are overlooking the time. Like the time of day he writes specifically. We have confirmation he writes at least some of the entries in the middle of the night. I personally wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them were written late at night. So he's writing a lot when he's very tired. Probably immediately after waking from these dreams. The only other time we get this level of vulnerability about Jane is when he was writing while drunk. Similar pattern with his dad too. Lily is pretty comfortable acknowledging a lot of his father's flaws. I think he's had a LONG time to get comfortable being angry about how his mother was treated by him, but he doesn't brush up against his (justified) fury about how HE treated him very often. During one of the few times we do, he says the call from his father when he's lost is 'Not quite as late this time at least'. Considering the previous entries mention the last call coming in around 3 am we can assume that was still pretty late. Or early technically. Even though we see the shame after he admits to being glad that his father is feeling helpless and afraid so that maybe he understands what he put everyone in his life through for years. This is deeply vulnerable emotional ground to be exploring.

So the question is why. Why does he allow himself to get behind the walls he's constructed to protect himself? Being exhausted or under the influence lowers his inhibitions, and I think we get a glimpse of the true feelings he's grappling with. Still filtered through a lot of bullshit but more clear than they are typically. The problem is those things are also built in excuses. No, that's not true. I was just exhausted, I was drunk, that kind of thing. He even acknowledges this "Am I more honest when I'm exhausted" but of course this was Lily writing in the middle of the night, so the same excuses still stand. Easy to walk back. My theory is that he sees what he wrote in the light of day when he's back in survival mode, and that's when we get the entries calling it all stupid. He can't just let it rest, even in his own diary, he has to because it goes against the image he has built to protect himself.

andmyass42

I never thought about the time of day he writes. What a fascinating interpretation.

Confused_Pears

Wait a minute, aren't you that person who posted that crazy manifesto about why Lily is Ilya Rozanov? This analysis comes from that person???

Cents_Not_Centsible

I know it's hard to deal with, but they contain multitudes. I don't know what to tell you.

HollanovTruther_42

I've been advised by my lawyer to stick to analysis of the text and focus on literary and emotional themes. Apparently the other stuff…isn't my strong suit.

AllStar_helmetkiss

My client and I would like to maintain our position about the identity of Lily but are not offering further commentary on it at this time.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed
Bestie mentioned in the #russiandiaries ????? You have anything you want to tell me @kath_reads-a-lot?

Kathy @Kath_reads-a-lot
Replying to @helpimobsessed
No, sorry too busy changing my handle. Lilysbitchkathy incoming

Fancy soap collector @lushluver
Replying to @Kath_reads-a-lot
I am SEETHING with jealousy right now

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @Kath_reads-a-lot
You're not special. Lily also mentioned me. My husband's dick is small, and I am fucking the pool boy.

Silent_onthehill

faethinfigueroth🔁

Just talk to him. I'm begging. I'm on my hands and knees at this point. Please god.

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

Lily please. Your dream doesn't entirely just have to be a fantasy. He might love you too!!!!

theskullonthemantel🔁

How many more signs from the fucking universe does this guy need? I am about to tie this boy up, dial, and put the phone to his fucking ear.

raisedfromperdition🔁

You think you could get the jump on some Russian hockey player. You. Ms. Computer programmer. Ms. Can't open a jar of spaghetti sauce.

theskullonthemantel🔁

I thought we agreed to never speak of that again.

raisedfromperdition🔁

You agreed. Sure.

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

A jar of spaghetti sauce? I thought you guys hated each other.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Don't even start. None of us get what's going on with them.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily just call him #Lily please #kidnapping #weak #i thought those lesbians hated each other

Notes 578

theskullonthemantel🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Feb. 16 2019

0322

I pulled out mama's old music box. I don't know why. I didn't mean to. One minute it was carefully hidden away and the next it was right in front of me. It's the one she kept on her vanity with ring cushions on the lid sides. Her most precious family jewelry tucked inside. The value of everything inside strictly sentimental. Probably why I was able to pilfer it away without anyone noticing. I scurried through like a rodent just after she died but before the funeral. Tucking away little bits and scraps to build a nest of mementos. Her journals, or all the ones I could find. Her favorite hairbrush, a few blond curls still tangled in the bristles. And this music box. I always thought someone would notice them missing. Would come at me with an accusation for my thieving. But when they scrubbed her room of every trace she'd ever lived and made it only his again, father only paid attention to the expensive things. Put them in boxes neatly appointed so he wouldn't have to repurchase a gift for the replacement. Fitting into the slot of his wife with ease. She now wears the diamond earrings that were given to my mother for their tenth anniversary. When she's home with father and not off staying with some 'friend' she uses the same vanity where I sat and watched mama do her hair. Though she had it painted. White where the wood used to be stained cherry.

At least I saved this from the recycling. These things didn't belong to him. Were not status symbols disguised as gifts. They are family memories. The tiny sapphire earrings she used to wear on summer days. A delicate silver chain that was too big for her wrists. Simple wedding bands of family long since buried. I always thought it felt like a treasure chest or a beautiful time capsule. Dark blue with small gold upholstery tacts pressed into the wood in the shapes of constellations. Faint gold paint straight lines between them. Orion and Ursa Major, Cetus, Taurus, and Gemini. On the side of one half of the lid is the chair, the vain queen Cassiopeia's punishment. When I undo the clasp on the top, and two halves of the lid unfold to reveal the interior like a present, it tilts upside down. Her embarrassment preserved even here. In art as in the sky.

When I turn the handle, it plays Swan Lake. Eerie little chimes as the small dancer begins to spin. On pointe arms above her head. Small porcelain face painted. A spot of faded blue for her eyes, a dash of pink for her smiling lips. She spins, face still and joyful, no end to her dance.

I don't know why I'm here. Writing this as she performs her never ending pirouettes. My company as I hold my great grandfather's wedding ring too big for my hand. She used to keep her wedding ring in here too, most of the time. Too much work to be done with her hands to risk it, mama was always so careful with expensive things. It's not here though. She wore it as she died, a symbol of her commitment. They buried her in it, a reminder of it. Her vow to him entrapping her even in the grave. Not even death an escape. Till death do we part a lie from the mouth of clergy. A dead woman's devotion to a cruel man preserved forever.

Trapped in her box, she spins and spins and spins.

0422

I woke this time with cold Canadian air in my lungs. My hands were warm, but my face felt wind stung. I don't know how I knew it was Canada. I've never spent any meaningful time there. All rinks and hotel rooms. Bars when the occasion called for it, a club when the opportunity arose. Work and play like usual. Well, work, play, and Airports. But I knew it was. The lake I stood on seemed so familiar even though I've never been there in my life. Maybe that's just the perk of dreaming. Everything carries the comfort of home in your own head.

I was older, I think in it. My knees hurt a bit, felt a twinge in my shoulder. The kind of things the older guys all bitch about when they are a year or two off from retirement. I'm sure that Mr. Apple Pie in New York City would be intimately familiar. Though does it still hurt when you are already mummified? Maybe I'll ask him when I face him next. Next year, Sveta is right about their chances.

I saw them from a distance, my eyes straining as I tried to make them out. Two shapes. Two people. One taller and one small, both on skates, I think. The taller one is kneeling, pulling a hat down over curly blond hair. I knew I wanted to be near them. As if they know, can sense my attention, they both turn to look at me. He raises his arm to wave me over. His voice drifts across the icy lake. It's my name somehow perfectly clear in my ears despite the distance. Affectionate diminutive, accent perfect. He takes the little girl's hand and it's then I know who she is. What she is. What they both are.

Mine.

0422

What is this now? My fucking dream journal. Analysis of every stupid thing that comes into my head? I can't have this now. And they'll never leave me alone if I keep indulging them. Chronicling them as if they mean anything. Why can't I have normal dreams? Naked on the ice in just my skates just before the game starts. A test I forgot about like in the movies. I don't know, I'd take all my fucking teeth falling out. Less confusing.

0422

I was there again. On that lake, I could

0422

Why don't I ever get any closer? As soon as I start to move, take that first breath and push forward I…Oh Jesus Christ, could I get more pathetic?

0422

I think Sveta might actually have been right. The way she laid it all out. All her strings tied to her fingertips, she did her nails for the occasion. Deep burgundy, coffin shaped. She flicks her hand to and fro, all her puppets dancing just like her predictions. Her dominoes are falling into place. I just have to fall with them.

0422

Mama was there this time. Is it not enough I'm being tormented by a future I'll never have and can't even want? What part of me do I have to cut out of me for this to stop happening? She had to appear, as if I needed to place these all more firmly into the realm of fantasy. I heard the little girl calling for her babushka like she's known her all her life. He laughed as mama picked her up. Steady in her own skates as though she never traded them in for ballerina slippers. He pulled her little hat down as she settled into mama's arms just like I used to. My earliest memories resting against her hip, staring up at her, golden hair like a halo. Oh god I can't do this. I can't I can't I can't.

0422

This is a distraction. It's going in the back of the closet, underneath the spare blanket that Sveta likes and in between the two boxes I never unpacked. It's staying there with its pair. Both of them pressed together, bound by my patheticness. I hope it collects dust like the other. I hope I forget where I've hidden it. I hope when someone finds it someday they recognize it for its uselessness and throw it in the garbage heap. Then these pages can finally die.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #constellations #ballerina #music boxes #lily's mom #longing #I thought we were over this #the journals do not make you weak buddy

Notes 1020

Lily's strays @lilyhatercount
Lily calls 'Mr. Apple Pie in New York City' old and near retirement
Random admiral shade count: 3

lilywenttothestore

I can't I can't I can't. Okay but apparently you can break my heart fucking hell.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

The Russian diaries when you think the longing couldn't get any worse and then somehow he manages!

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

All fun and games until the memory of your dead mom shows up in your domestic fantasy dream.

raisedfromperdition🔁

My boy wants to be wife'd up SO bad. He's dreaming of having his rival with benefits (Ex Fuckbuddy what even are they????) babies but the moment his dead mom shows up in his dream he freaks out.

snakesnakesnake🔁

This is typical man behavior. He does not want to introduce his boo to his mom. I smell commitment issuesssssss.

theskullonthemantel🔁

The woman is DEAD! She is not getting introduced to anyone.

snakesnakesnake🔁

And yet he still finds a way to freak out about it.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #ouch #lily #lily loves Jane #good luck getting him to admit that #man behavior about your dead mom

Notes 412

Kathy @lilys_bitch_kathy
Not leaving us on a fucking cliffhanger. When #lily returns, will two months have passed, two years? Ten who knows!

Sof @buttpucks
Replying to @lilys_bitch_kathy
Previously on the #RussianDiaries. Lily denies himself his one emotional comfort so he doesn't have to acknowledge he has feelings!

Fancy soap collector @lushluver
Replying to @lilys_bitch_kathy
Breaking news: Lily is having intense, frequent dreams about memories of Jane and also dreams where he is older, presumably married to a man with a small child. He is also not admitting that there is any way that man he is imagining could be Jane. More at 11

My low HDL @justtoodamnbad
Replying to @lushlover
And that's what you missed on glee!

Bitethehand

Sveta puppeteer? Sveta witch? Sveta cast spell? Sveta has premonitions? Sveta like dominoes?

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

Sveta hot?

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

What's that question mark doing there? Get that blasphemy out of here

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

You do realize that we literally have NO idea what any of these people look like. They could literally all be ugly for all we know.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

Oh ye of little faith.

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

Sveta's baddie vibe can be detected from space. I don't ever need to see a picture to know she is one of the most stunning women to ever walk the earth.

myfavoritejanes🔁

Gay

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

Well…yes? I thought that was a given. We are talking about the Russian diaries. Are any straight people here?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #sveta #sveta is a witch #sveta is hot #gay #there are straight people here?

Notes 512

R/beyondtheveil

u/dreamingof_jane

Update: How much info do I need to contact a specific spirit?

It didn't work.

22⬆️ 4⬇️ 11💬

Praying4_theriver

That's hard but you can always try again!

Longlifeline

Do you have any idea of what went wrong?

dreamingof_jane

Not really

Old_rocks-63

Aww, I'm sorry honey! It can be difficult to manage on the first time, especially if you don't have a super solid connection to the person you are trying to reach.

Praying4_theriver

What method did you end up using?

dreamingof_jane

I kind of just tried them all

Praying4_theriver

Well, that might have been part of your problem.

My-appleslices

Or maybe their problem is that they are trying to contact the author of the fake gay hockey diary!??!!

Chapter End Notes

Another early chapter? What do I post on Thursdays now? Who knows. I just got too excited. Which is funny because when I wrote this chapter I kind of hated it. I thought about cutting the music box part entirely. Funny what letting it sit a week and a good beta will do!
As always a huge thank you to CherSandles for having beta’d this chapter and all the others I’ve yet to post. They said something really impactful to me when reading through chapter 12 this week (yes it was the thing about bridges and yes I’m still thinking about it) and my gratefulness for their help knows no bounds!!!
Anyway thanks so much for reading!!! Please let me know if the pictures are strange in any way!

Chapter 11: 11

Chapter Notes

raisedfromperdition

Rest in peace Nikolai Rybnikov. You would have loved the Scott Hunter cup kiss.

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

Oh that's not…

snakesnakesnake🔁

I think we may have lost the plot and strayed into something that is no longer appropriate. Unfortunately I am still laughing. Does that make me a bad person? Probably.

myfavoritejanes🔁

I personally think that Lily would find this both funny and an appropriate memorial post.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Every chuckle you get from me pulls me farther from the grace of god

raisedfromperdition 🔁

Don't worry. Not much difference between 1,000 miles and 1,001

theskullonthemantel🔁

You're SUCH dick.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Maybe but at least I'm not a demon!

tryingnottoblink🔁

What is going on with those two? Every time they come up on my dash I get more confused.

i'mreadyforit🔁

Did something happen between our resident asshole apostles? Quick somebody from the nyc meet ups tell us if something went down.

justcallhim!!🔁

have my suspicions but I'm afraid to ask

Sadlittlerat🔁

I'm not.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #RIP #Nikolai Rybnikov #gay hockey #Paul #peter #it always becomes about those two somehow #the lesbians are arguing again #did you guys fuck or not?

Notes 870

r/russiandiaries

U/musthavebeenthe_wind

The Man, The Machine, and The Monster -- 2 hrs ago

Lily interchangeably refers to himself as both a monster and a machine. These two ideas seem to be in conflict. The only thing he doesn't seem to think of himself as is a person who…

U/andmyass42

Discussion: is identity speculation appropriate? -- 17 hrs ago

Do we think it's appropriate to keep on speculating on the identity of Lily when we are not reading these diaries with his permission and he has clearly gone through a lot of effort to…

U/floating_my_rivers13

Lily's misogyny -- 1 day ago

The way he talked about 'normal' diaries left a bad taste in my mouth. He seems to have a disdain for the fact that he uses a journal to express himself and trivializes the 'thoughts' of a …

U/Cents_Not_Centsible

Updated identity speculation -- 1 day ago

Now that we've expanded our search beyond Boston for the identities of Lily and Jane here's my list of most likely identities. 1.) Nikolai Rybnikov and James McGoff stay at number 1 for...

u/Janesfreckle_constellations

Fanart visual references -- 3 days ago

I've gotten really into Jily fanart. Who are you using for visual references? I know a lot of people like to use Rybnikov and McGoff but who else do people find visually interesting?

snakesnakesnake

To whoever made that fan vid of Rybnikov and McGoff to Mine by Taylor Swift can you send me your full government name and address. I need to send you a bill from my therapist. Also I'm gonna need 100 more asap.

faethinfigueroth🔁

'You're the best thing that's ever been mine' to a smiling clip of cutie patootie Nikolai Rybnikov. Okay cool. Cool cool cool that's what we are doing now.

Onyourleftagain 🔁

When you want to enjoy how cute the mine fan edit is but Instead you have to remember that Nikolai Rybnikov did in fact DIE in 2008 and isn't like a PTA dad with his husband in Canada right now.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Sorry!

i'mreadyforit🔁

Oh of course it was you who made that.

Onyourleftagain 🔁

At the scene of all my Lily/jane heartbreak there is Judas holding the gun.

Silent_onthehill🔁

The four nations lived together in harmony, then everything changed when darcyhandflex dropped an emotional nuke on the Jily fandom.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

When will the next attack come? No one knows

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

I'm actually working on another edit to I bet on losing dogs by Mitski but we'll see if it turns into anything

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Oh, so it's specifically designed to hurt me personally. Awesome.

Justalilymetaphor 🔁

When did we decide on Jily? I don't like it.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #mine #jily #fan edit #ouch #pay for my therapy #its always you #are you just like in the sad factory? #is that where you live ?

Notes 651

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Feb. 21 2019

0522

So I'm a liar. This is known yes? It won't be the last time I break my promises. Don't trust a word that comes out of my mouth. I'm not honest. I'm definitely not good. Don't make it more than what it is.

0522

Am I real? Am I even alive? Is all my bleeding superficial? If they cracked open my ribcage would they find some complicated mechanism. Gears clicking away like a clock ripped apart? Canisters where my lungs should be designed to imitate the rise and fall of a human chest? I truly don't know anymore.

Maybe that's why I write in this stupid thing. Why I always come back even though I know it's a distraction. An indulgence I can't afford ever but especially not now. Not with so much on the line. Maybe I pick up the pen because it feels like evidence I exist.

Some fucked up part of me hopes someone will find these someday. When I'm ten or fifteen years buried. When Jane is retired and long since happily married to some beautiful woman. Or a beautiful man. Probably a man if I'm right, and I usually am about these things. They could find my pathetic chronicling when he is safe and sound in Canada. Making his children breakfast and sending them off to school. Their sport equipment in the back of his sensible SUV. Coaching the Centaurs to their first cup. Maybe that's a step too far, I'm not even sure he could manage that.

They won't know it was me so they won't know it was always him either. I've been too careful. I think. Maybe they'll call me Lily. Keep my secret like Jane does. Translate them and debate over who I could be. Put them on the shelf in the bookstore next to the diaries of dead presidents, world war two soldiers, and the men who thought themselves prophets. I'm sure it would expose my weakness thoroughly, open me up for endless deserving ridicule, but at least then someone would know that the monster hurts when he bleeds. Be it a silver knife or copper, the cut burns. The tin man knows his heart is missing but he had it once. He misplaced it when he was a boy. Traded it to some silver tongued witch for a ticket out of Moscow. A bad deal, worse probably than I even knew when I ripped it out and placed it in her waiting hand. Barely a single thought crossing my mind before I was already cutting.

I eagerly gave her my beating organ not even for citizenship or permanent residence. Just the chance to run. I was such a bad negotiator that I must return every summer to the city where she keeps it. Have to stand in the home I pay for and look at my father's dying face so I can hear it beating cold against the iron walls of the safe where her prize wastes away. The closeness keeps me from dying, but I can feel the bloody torn veins that broke open in its harvesting. Still bleeding in the empty cavern where my heart should be. Filling up my lungs until I nearly drown and then draining in the summer when I return home. Every season it starts again. Comfort for my temporary freedom. Even all these years later they haven't clotted or scarred over. The aching still so severe. Its absence the closest I get to heartbreak. The pain of it getting harder to ignore, a harsh reminder that my time this year is beginning to run short. Soon I'll need to return home or they will find me in my bed having choked on my own endless bleeding.

0522

Sveta has always looked forward. I think she sees the world as a set of smooth highways stretching out like strings of spider silk or neurons in a brain. Interconnecting and endless. Setbacks just road closures, detours opportunities. She's always going 15 over. Doesn't let the emotional aspect slow her down. The rich old men who come to buy sports cars from her are gas in her tank. The commission checks no less valuable in her account because they thought she was only there for her pretty face as she talked them out of far more money than they intended to spend. She manages to swallow her father's love even though she knows he will probably never respect her. Who knows if having either matters to her much. Just roadside attractions she doesn't care to stop at. The t shirts they sell are overpriced and ugly. She drives straight past the mystery spot, doesn't spare a thought for that ball of twine in Kansas.

She doesn't look behind her like I do. Doesn't catalog the memories. Staring at them behind thick glass in frigid rooms, my breath fogging up my view. Picking at old wounds never letting them close. Tearing at them with my fingernails, noting the pain like a scientist. Writing down every flinch like a historian. Trying to justify my masochism with the scientific method. As if the hurting will make me understand any of it better.

When I got back to Boston I stopped answering her messages. Ignored her calls and stood her up for the event I'd agreed to be her plus one to months before. Some gallery opening or something equally as boring. I am not a very good friend, would probably be an even worse boyfriend. Thank god she has never wanted me to play that part for her. She hadn't said anything about it as it got closer. She had been trying I think to give me my space to lick my wounds and sulk in peace but she is not good at letting things rest. She showed up to my house in her cocktail dress rightfully pissed off and demanded to drink my good vodka. I deserved that much and more probably. After we got suitably drunk her heels discarded on my coffee table and her hair long since undone she grabbed my face and made me look right into her eyes. Pinched my chin hard in between her hand, her grip unyielding as I struggled to look away. She told me then to look forward. That next time I would show them. It could never occur to her that there probably won't be a next time for father. He will likely be dead or drooling in four years time. Too gone to feel pride, if he is even capable of feeling that now. I don't even really know if there will be a next time for me. Right now it seems impossibly far away.

Sveta only ever looks forward. The world the canvas for her every machination. She is good for me that way maybe. Dragging me forward when I want to dig through the microscope slides of the past. Important for me to have someone like that. Someone who will call me an asshole and make me see a future. Even if neither of us know where we are going. Maybe I'm good for her too in some way. She never looks behind her, has never cared to. The only exception when she's hauled me into her backseat to drag us both along her endless highways, sometimes, I meet her eyes in the rearview mirror.

0522

Holy fuck. Holy Fuck. Holy Fuck. This really might be something.

0623

No time to think or breathe but I don't think I've ever been more sure I'm alive

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily #you are alive buddy #thats kind of a scary thing to ask #time to start asking you to go see a therapist again #witch #tin man #Sveta is a good friend #Sveta would kill you if you looked at Lily wrong I think #shes the only one allowed to bully him out of his good vodka

Notes 1340

R/russiandiaries

U/Sour-green_apples

The Russian diaries are fake…

But that doesn't mean they aren't meaningful and valuable even if they are just works of fiction! I think the last entries prove this. I mean they are more or less there to kind of morally excuse us for reading them. Not that it's stopped me from reading it but the ethics of non consensually reading the diary of a closeted Russian queer person has been bothering me. To be honest I haven't engaged in this fandom as much as I've wanted to because of it. The last entries though clearly state to me that these must be fake. I mean musing about the idea of your diaries being read when you are dead. No normal people do that.

However I do think that they are beautiful works of fiction and should be treasured and treated with the respect they deserve

 150⬆️110⬇️98💬

Hollygetshattricks

I've thought they were fake the whole time and you all booed me

onfathersshelf

Oops!

My-appleslices

I appreciate the insistence that they aren't really fake they are just fiction. Even if a real Russian hockey player didn't write these it doesn't make them fraudulent and bad.

northstar_dick

You think shappo is writing these? And it's all been a ploy to get her work off the ground? That seems like a really involved tactic to get people to read her work.

Ohcannonmycannon

That would explain why she hasn't just posted all the entries online so other people can help them translate because they are both so busy.

northstar_dick

Maybe she's worried about identifying info and wants to be able to edit stuff out before they go up?

Onlythree_lemons

If she cared about that would she be posting them at all?

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

They can be fiction and shappo can be telling the truth. Maybe they are just the lost work of some author out there!

Janesfreckle_constellations

I still don't think they are fake. Maybe whoever had them after Lily died lost them on purpose hoping someone would find them.

_Svetasupremacy

Sveta purposely losing them because she viewed that entry as a kind of last will and testament but she couldn't publish them herself because then Lily's identity would be revealed. Oh my god.

Lily-has-a-heart

That means it's totally possible that the cities and names have been changed. I mean she probably would have taken stuff out to protect him and Jane. It's what I would have done.

Reallystale_toast14

I'm totally totally with you OP. I've been kind of 50/50 on if I think they are real until now but this pushed me over the edge into them being fiction. I read that entry and was like thank god. Now I can be truly unhinged about this

HollanovTruther_42

I'm not sure this is the slam dunk proof they aren't real you think it is. Look at the context of the entry. He knows it's a weird fucking thing to want. He probably knows that rationally he doesn't actually want people reading them. But he wants proof that he's a real person. In 0222-LA we get "I'm supposed to be the showman. The cocky asshole." We get references here to his public persona and how badly he feels when it has been (at least in his mind) called into question. Contrast that with what we know about him. He's deeply emotional. Loves Greek mythology. Catalogues his memories and cherishes his mother's jewelry box. Those two people don't really match up. Later From 0322-PHI we get "Sometimes I don't think I'm real. Just a copy of a copy of a grainy picture in some textbook". The distance between his public persona and who he actually is is so vast it makes him feel like he's not real. Look at it with the context of the machine and monster references. He feels stripped of his humanity. Of his personhood. He's just a thing. And the thing that did that to him is also the thing that saved him. "His ticket out of Moscow". His career is the silver tongued witch he sold his heart to when he was a boy.

This entry doesn't prove that anything is fictional it just tells us how desperate he is for someone, anyone to actually see him.

Onlythree_lemons

Seeing your posts make me feel crazy are we sure that they didn't get hacked?

HollanovTruther_42

You think I got hacked so someone could do analysis on the Russian diaries? Now who is the one with conspiracy theories.

AllStar_helmetkiss

Got em!

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Feb. 26 2019

0623

Fuck I don't think I've ever been so hungover in my life. I'm still wearing one of my fucking shoes but no socks. How the fuck did that happen, did I put it back on? Someone is still in my house. Who I have no idea. I'm not sure I care. Fucking take whatever I don't care just stop making noise. What the fuck am I doing writing in this thing? I think I had a reason when I pulled it out of my bedside drawer. I'm going back to sleep.

0623

Alexei called to ask for money, what else does he ever do. I gave it to him. It's been years now and I never deny him. I just send it. I used to make him wait, to take the power back a bit maybe. Now I'm just tired. None of the games make me feel better about it so what is the point in trying. Instead I'll send him the money. This time though I showed my hand. Exposed myself without thinking of the vulture who has my brother's face. I asked him something I didn't mean to. I hadn't wanted to bring it up at all but right before he hung up it tumbled uselessly from my mouth. I guess I just couldn't help it.

Without a moment of hesitation barely a breath after my questions escaped me he replied with a question of his own. Glee hidden behind his feigned ignorance. Do I like being hurt? Is that what this is? I painted a target right over an open wound and asked him to rip my stitches. Like a pig who walks into a butcher's shop and lays himself on his metal table. Points out the quality of his shoulder as the knives are being sharpened. Boasting about the price my ribs might fetch as the cutting begins.

0623

I think I've found the edge. Hurtled off of it without realizing, suddenly there's no ground beneath me like a stupid cartoon. It's strange, the high of it is gone. I expected my weakness to come crawling in. My father's talent not bound by the constraints of time or space. He no longer needs to be present to pick apart every flaw. I think he wouldn't even have to be alive. He's trained me very well to do it myself. The one way I've been a good student. The one place where I've never come up short. That's how it usually goes anyway. Now it's just…nothing. I don't know. I'm very far away I think. From myself. From my trophies, from all the accolades. It's peaceful but I'm not sure it's better. I'm not sure of anything.

0623-Vegas

I wanted you like an animal. In my teeth down to the roots I can still feel the burn of it. In the marrow of my bones desire coursing through. It's etched into the mechanical workings of me. Some language I don't speak branded on all my parts, in the welds that keep me held together. My wanting you so much a part of me that even melting me down to base components would not get rid of it. It persists even when I'm a molten vat of steel. Unable now to be turned into anything of use. I think it's in my DNA, written into my code when I was just seventeen with a cigarette in my mouth. You have defined what it is to want. None of the others come close anymore. I don't desire them really. I charm them, enjoy their company and never spare another thought. Repeat performances are a convenience. A passing interest, a nice way to spend the night. Rejection never stings, so much so I've had some women get almost offended by my nonchalance. I just move on to another willing participant, one who wants the same thing as me. A couple hours of fun, endorphins, and a person who knows to get the fuck out of their house right after.

For them I wouldn't have gotten on my knees on a bathroom floor without even a locked door separating us from the rest of the fucking league. Wouldn't have ruined my overpriced suit on the disgusting floor just to hear their breath catch in their throats. For them I wouldn't have even spared a blink. But for you it's always been different. For you I felt the pull of gravity taking me to my knees for the chance to hear you moan. As stupid as it would have been I'd have given into the urge right there if I didn't think you wanted me to tease you. If the sound of you saying please hadn't been so breathy. I suddenly found myself desperate to hear it again. It might have been a different night if I wasn't so greedy.

For once my indulgence in the deadly sins pays off. It got you showing up already desperate to my hotel room. So eager. God how did I resist touching you for so long? Laying on my bed like a present just for me. A temptation as you touched yourself on my command. My own private show a reward for us both. Your breath a siren's song I was oh so willing to follow. Did you know that you could have drowned me and I wouldn't have struggled? I would have clung to you as you dragged me to my grave. Choking on the salty water trying to call your name.

Instead you called me close. Begged me to touch you. Dissolving my resolve with a single look. I unraveled looming over you, the window overlooking the skyline our backdrop. The threads of me floating away, turning to dust that settles like snow over the gamblers' losing hands and the dancers' sweat soaked costumes. The last shred of my self control used to resist the urge to kiss you. I'll wonder forever if you knew. Could you tell that if I had started I never would have stopped? I'd have suffocated chasing moans from your mouth. Instead I held the delicate thing between us with my cursed hands. For once careful not to break it.

0623

I have got to get myself together. This is ridiculous. For once I wonder if going home will be good for me, the distance enough to set my head on straight.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #alexei #being a dick again #and asking for more money #what else is new #Lily ever the self sacrificing #hes not fucking worth it bud #idk what he said but he's an #asshole #he talked to him! #real life Jane mentioned! #they talked #or well fucked but still #progress!

Notes 1621

Still suffering @3612always

'..the distance enough to set my head on straight' Now #lily, we both know that's a lost cause.

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @3612always

You just talked on and on about how you checks notes really wanted to suck this guys dick in a bathroom? There is nothing straight about this.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed
Replying to @watermeplease

And if there was it certainly wouldn't have been his head.

Janehashisheart

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

Okay but actually I've been thinking about this. In typical Lily fashion he's probably going to try and backtrack from that entry about Jane. But like, is it even possible? He OPENED with 'I wanted you like an animal'. That is where we started.

theskullonthemantel🔁

If there is one thing I know about Lily it's that he will find a way.

lilywenttothestore🔁

A way back from all of these?

"For you I felt the pull of gravity taking me to my knees for the chance to hear you moan"

"Your breath a siren's song I was oh so willing to follow. "

"I'll wonder forever if you knew. Could you tell that if I had started I never would have stopped? I'd have suffocated chasing moans from your mouth."

There isn't a way back from these. They are written down. In the span of one entry. It's actually not possible to backpedal that.

Lilysmusicbox🔁

Lily is going to do some advanced emotional calculus and we will end up back at 'he's just a convenient fuck' just wait and see.

Justcallhim!!🔁

Can we just celebrate for a minute! He talked to Jane!!!!! Thank god!!!! It's only been six fucking months Lily of agonizing about him Jesus fucking Christ. FINALLY!

9'sleatherjacket🔁

Did they talk or did they just fuck in Lily's hotel room. I'm genuinely asking.

Justcallhim!!🔁

Could you not have let me celebrate for 5 minutes. Seriously that's all I'm looking for here.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily is bad at love math #simple equation he's still getting the wrong answer guaranteed #maybe not though who knows!

Notes 640

R/russiandiaries

U/screaming_crying17

Discussion: what is Lily celebrating?

It's clear Lily is celebrating something or has completed something. He doesn't mention exactly what it is but it's clearly something that meant a lot to him.

210⬆️43⬇️63💬

Fell'sshopis_open

This is what is so fun about the diaries. Since he is literally journaling he has no reason to mention the specifics. He already knows what he's talking about. But we still get such a clear image that something big has happened based on what he is writing!

dreamingof_jane

It's like a puzzle without the box!

Hellhound-puppychow

He clearly had a big party or something at his house. Big enough that he didn't know exactly who was still there moving around in the morning.

roses4_rosie

And there was a major adrenaline drop-off after. So it must have been intense whatever it was.

onfathersshelf

Crazy enough that he literally forgets to write what city he's in which he's been pretty consistent about. We don't get a single mention of his location in latest section.

Cents_Not_Centsible

Well, Boston didn't win the cup in 2002 so that rules that out.

northstar_dick

Unless Lily isn't who we think he might be. Honestly there is no way to tell. I'm really not even convinced he's in Boston.

Onlythree_lemons

It was something he assumed his brother knew about. He asked him a question (I'm assuming about what had just happened) and he responded with something that hurt his feelings. 'Glee hidden behind his feigned ignorance.' And the whole bit about offering himself up to slaughter. Something televised maybe that he was wondering if his family watched?

HollanovTruther_42

A televised event that his family would have known about… you mean like the 2014 cup finals? Something like that maybe?

Loosingdogbet-23

Andddd the delusions are back

Confused_Pears

It is really a Jekyll and Hyde situation with you. We never know who we are going to get

AllStar_helmetkiss

Fucking hell. You really can't have a little hollanov around here even as a treat can you.

Chapter End Notes

Struggled a lot with the Vegas part. I think I rewrote it like three times before I settled on what’s in this chapter. The idea that finally stuck actually came to me while I was on the stair master of all places. I physically paused when the idea occurred to me, almost completely ate shit when I suddenly stopped moving, and then attempted to write it on my phone while I kept going. Not my smartest idea trying to write at the gym.
Anyway a huge thank you to my beta CherSandles for looking over this chapter for me. This chapter or any of the others wouldn’t be nearly as good without them. When reading this chapter they asked me if a specific user was actually Harris. It hadn’t occurred to me until they asked that he might be lurking but I decided then and there he was absolutely the person they thought he was. I’m not going to tell you who he is, but know that he’s here :)
Thank you for reading!!!!

Chapter 12: 12

Chapter Notes

Silent_onthehill🔁

snakesnakesnake🔁

That shit was EVIL. EVIL!

Onyourleftagain 🔁

Is it not enough that Judas gets Jesus hung up on the cross must they torture all of us too?

faethinfigueroth🔁

Sir please take your 30 pieces of silver and go

lilywenttothestore🔁

Putting the clip of McGoff during the first game in Boston after Rybnikov died to 'someone to watch me die' nearly killed me.

Janehashisheart🔁

I'm not actually sure I'm currently NOT dead right now.

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

Is it just me or did he look like he was going to cry???

Lilysmusicbox🔁

I couldn't tell because someone was cutting onions. Or it was raining inside. Or my contacts just randomly got really blurry. Who knows. Strange.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Darcy better sleep with one eye open that is all I have to say.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Jane #3612 #Fanvid #I bet on losing dogs #emotional damage #don't watch it #I'm serious #I did and I wish I had NOT #Darcyhandflexes #why do you do this to me?

Notes 651

Lilysmusicbox🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Mar. 1 2019

0923

I can't deny it anymore. Can't pretend it means nothing. That it's just convenient or a distraction. This was my first fucking stop when I came home. My suitcase is sitting abandoned by the door. Didn't even bother putting my shoes away, I just kicked them off somewhere as soon as I walked inside. I'm sure Sveta will scold me about where they ended up when she comes by later. I haven't even showered yet. Travel still sticks to my skin like a thick layer of dust, I'm still covered in Moscow. But yet here I am writing in this stupid fucking thing instead of hauling my ass into the shower like someone sane.

I feel almost guilty for having left it. Alone in my closet, my conviction when I put it away that I'd never take it out again. A promise I whispered to no one but myself. More like a prayer. A desperate plea that for once I might be different than I am. It fell on a deity's deaf ears. Not even he can change me from what I am. He doesn't try, knows it's a lost cause. More important things to attend to then me and my vows. This promise, like all the rest I've made, was being broken even as I made it.

At the time putting it away felt like the right thing to do. But now…I don't know. This summer I felt its absence. A loose tooth I couldn't stop pressing my tongue against. An itch in my hand as I watch father's death in a thousand small moments. A desire to be honest somewhere when we all insist on pretending it's normal when he speaks like the dead still live. Maybe having it would have helped me make sense of everything. Why I feel so out of step. Jane's name ever present on my phone. More response from him than I've ever gotten. Exactly the kind of thing I always wanted. The dance we've always followed changed since Vegas. New choreography I don't know. I still pursue him but he seems almost happy to let himself be.

I feel the countdown to our first game already. The tick of the clock present. My internal timer programmed to him without my permission. Will he invite me over? Or will it be more of what we've done before. Before his stairwell, before the mess I made in February, before whatever it was that happened in Vegas. Will we return to the familiar tightrope walk, teetering on the edge of becoming a habit? More of my ignored texts, me just a lonely girl in Montreal? Will I always play the part of whore and temptress while Jane tries to remain ever virtuous? Or will it all change?

0923

I didn't even last an hour. Pulling this stupid thing out the moment I'm alone. Pretending I never planned it. Like I didn't buy the desk I'm sitting at. Didn't have them build it right where it sits. The kind of pens I like always stocked in the drawer. Could I get any more pathetic? It's so stupid. When did I suddenly get so attached? It's a journal. It's a collection of blank pages bound. It's not even nice. I got it from a hotel in Montreal after. Well. That's humiliating. I guess I answered my own question. It can get more pathetic. It already has.

1023-MTL

I used his toothpaste. After my shower, the smell of his body wash lingering on my skin. I smelled his shampoo. Nearly used it on my own hair so the smell of him would linger there too. Almost didn't care what a frizzy mess it would have made me just so I could take a little more with me. I resisted just barely, stopped with it in my hand the cap open about to tip it into my waiting palm.

So instead I used his toothpaste. Tried to pass it off casually like I just needed to brush my teeth. Practicing my lie in my head as I looked in the mirror. I didn't have to use it, he never asked. I don't think he noticed. I used a toothbrush I found under the sink. Next to his stock of extra body wash, a half full box of bandaids, and a heating pad with the cord wrapped around itself. Everything neat and orderly, all his extra toothbrushes identical in plastic packages lined up in rows. Of course he has spares just in case a guest needs them or the modern electric one that sits on his countertop unexpectedly stops working. He would never miss a brush morning or night. He probably uses mouthwash after lunch. A small travel size in his car, a swish to wash any crumbs away. I'm sure his dentist is impressed by the care he takes. Comments on how well he must floss. How healthy his gums look.

I threw it away as soon as I finished. It's packaging right next to it in his trash can. They can add wastefulness to my list of reasons for damnation.

I kissed him before I left. The taste of his toothpaste in my mouth as I pressed into him, my hand on his jaw to keep him just where I wanted. Still pleased and pliant. Willing to put up with me for just a little longer.

It's pretty well faded now. The taste of him gone just clean teeth remain. The smell of his soap on my skin will be nonexistent before morning. The only evidence I was ever there will be his flushed skin in my memory and a discarded toothbrush in his trash can. His cleaner will surely have that in the dumpster by midday tomorrow. How long will my memory last? My genetic inheritance from either side does not give a favorable forecast. Storms predicted for the next seven days. When my mind goes, dead or just rotted who knows, there will be nothing to say I was ever there tonight at all.

1123-TOR

I keep a calendar just for father now. His appointments penned into a planner better kept than my own. Prescription refill dates methodically filled out for the next six months so I know when he is about to run out of his medications. God knows Alexei and Polina are useless for that. Have to remind them three times to have half a chance of him getting more on time.

I've noted his next blood test and evaluations. Six weeks from the start of his newest medication. Then again in six months just to monitor his general health. See if the new diet is helping. I say let the dying man eat whatever the fuck he will put in his mouth without a fight. Who cares about longevity, the timeline for this thing is not looking to be another 15 or 20 years. He doesn't have a chance at making it to 90.

I don't know why I do this. Why I bother. The appointments never stick. Seemingly randomly all the doctors I do nothing but pay will say his meds aren't 'yielding the expected results' and I'll scratch through everything I have and start again. I'll schedule calls with them too early or too late for me but always nice and convenient for them. They won't say anything I want to hear. I'll wonder like I always do if the next adjustment will help. If we should even bother. He's going to die. It's going to get so much worse. All of this is just the start of the awfulness.

But I'll still keep the stupid fucking planner. Keep his appointments. Write the side effects of his new medications in the margins. When he calls me lucid a star in the corner by the date. When he calls desperate to know where mama's gone, why she's not lying in the bed next to him, it gets an X. These little notes the only thing I can do an ocean away.

1123-MTL

My thumb tracing his lower lip as he moans. My other hand gripping his hip so tight I probably left a bruise. I think I'll remember that even if there is nothing left of me. Even if I sink into the cold dirt, dissolve into the groundwater I'd still still keep it. I could lose my mind and it would still be the last thing I see before I die.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily down bad #The Toothpaste strikes again #strange expensive Canadian toothpaste #Lily is a snoop #I can't even blame him #He keeps his heating pad under his sink #isn't that a bad idea #do rich people not get leaks? #why isn't that shit in your nightstand #anyway #lily is a good son #and they don't fucking deserve him #as always

Notes 1234

Kathy @Lilys_Bitch_Kathy

When I think #Lily is finally going to admit he's in love with jane and instead he is talking about his FUCKING JOURNAL.

Bree 4 real @m2mcandie
replying to @Lilys_Bitch_Kathy

He really had me in the first half I'm not going to lie.

Kisskisslily'sinlove

In the next seven days we are looking a chance of severe thunderstorms and emotional trauma caused by abusive family members. On Friday you can expect lily to think he's unlovable.

Dontphonehome🔁

Come on now, don't sell him short. He might have a sunny day on the days when he sees Jane?

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

I want you to look at the entries from after he sees him and then say that again.

Dontphonehome🔁

Exactly. AFTER. During I'm sure he's all sunshine and roses.

theskullonthemantel🔁

And after comes the longing. This forecast was not accurate. It rained sad gay trauma all over my daughter's birthday party. I demand to be compensated.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Any time Montreal and Boston played each other during the years of 1998 to 2008 there was a 99% chance of tragic gay yearning. You really should have expected that.

readyforit🔁

So they are back to being civil? I can't keep track of what's going on with those lesbians.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Lets hope they fucked it out so we can all have some peace for a few days.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Seven day Lily forecast #Sad gay yearning with a chance of daddy issues #the lesbians are giving it a rest #or did they just need to take a rest if you catch my drift #we may never know!

notes 440

R/russiandiaries

U/like_a_Novigrad_Whore16

What's with the sudden attention to detail

Is he trying to sound smart or something?

 51⬆️ 162⬇️ 121💬

dead-gel-pen86

It's his personal diary? I don't think he's trying to sound like anything

ExpensiveCanadiantoothpaste

he also doesn't need to try and sound smart. From where I'm standing he just is smart.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Sometimes I'm in the sub and I really wonder if we are all reading the same entries

like_a_Novigrad_Whore16-OP

I read it. Why else would I be here?

raiderscup14'

It was giving try hard to me.

13_rustyswords

I would have removed this section before the final edit

Janesfreckle_constellations

Final edit? This is someone's journal. By nature there is no edit!??

Ohcannonmycannon

No this is someone pretending to write a journal. Didn't we all establish that

Sour-green_apples

This is not what I wanted when I posted about them being fictional.

Suddenly_acockroach

I'm begging people to develop an ounce of critical reading skills. Just a little

northstar_dick

What if we tried thinking about the text for two minutes before we posted. What if we tried that. Might be fun

screaming_crying17

Sometimes on this sub you get a beautiful essay analyzing the nature of humanity through the lens of Lily's metaphors and sometimes you get 'is he trying to sound smart or something?'

Janesfreckle_constellations

I'm still thinking about 'The question of if he's monster or machine is easy. We know the answer. You don't feel as much as Lily does without being human to a fault. To be human is to feel burning desire like a monster, to pursue the protection of your tenderness in a way that is mechanical. He is a human because he's both. He is a human because he wonders what he is"

Thatdog-thatababy

When your Reddit post so good we have to talk about it again because another user is being a dumbass.

musthavebeenthe_wind

Oh my god stoppppp

Janesfreckle_constellations

Personally I thought it was pretty obviously a way to create emotional distance. He doesn't want to acknowledge how much his feelings have grown but it comes out in other ways. He can't help it. Instead of saying I'm in love with you he's talking about what's under Jane's sink. He notices it's neat and tidy. Jumps to conclusions from inconsequential things. He cares enough to think about why he has them there. Wonders about the small minutia of his life, about the kind of thing Jane's partner would know about him.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

It's this. He's coming up with elaborate fantasies about his habits, about what Jane's dentist thinks about him, based only on what's under his sink.

Lily-has-a-heart

that whole section tells me he just wants to feel like he can take a small piece of what they have with him. Wants to feel like he has a more real spot in Jane's life than he has.

like_a_Novigrad_Whore16-OP

This all feels like a reach. Come on.

minus2in_charisma

All these people read too much into this stuff. I'm with you op. He was just talking about wanting people to read his journal. He wants to seem smart.

like_a_Novigrad_Whore16-OP

Thank you. Finally someone says it. He's a hockey player. He's clearly not actually as smart as people on here want to make him out to be.

raiderscup14'

He's not the exception to the rule. Maybe if these were Hollanders journals we were reading.

Puck_Puck_goose

Seems people really can't seem to get over hockey boy must be stupid Neanderthal disease.

Hollygetshattricks

I am SO tired of people thinking that Shane Hollander is the only hockey boy with a brain.

Hunters_slowwalkingbf

I'm not saying that Rozanov is Lily (not trying to get jumped here thanks) but the insistence that he must be stupid that has persisted online since his rookie season drives me crazy. This kind of thing is really common among the guys that don't speak English well (he's much better now but those first few season were clearly hard for him). I don't even ride for him like that but do you really think if he wasn't also very smart that he would be able to keep up with Hollander like he has? I know the centaurs are you know..the centaurs but his personal stats are still insane. Almost more impressive because of his team considering what he's working with.

Xreme4Xsquad18

Ahh The classic dilemma. Is he stupid or does he just not fucking speak English

Cents_Not_Centsible

Is he stupid or does the mlh just provide truly abysmal translation services

roses4_rosie

All of this talk about the toothpaste and is or isn't Lily smart but all I can think about is how much of a nosy bitch Lily is. Like getting under your hookup's sink? That is diabolical behavior. My craziest friend was literally doing this shit last week.

Pointlessly_lollygagging

The thing that got me wasn't the toothpaste. It was the bandaids. He knew it was half full. Bitch you looked in the box?????

myfruits_gonebad

The true bridge over the class divide. Being unhinged when left alone in your situationships bathroom

Dontphonehome🔁

What kind of weird Canadian toothpaste is this guy using that he is this fixated on it.

Samlicker81🔁

This isn't even the first time he's mentioned it. He dreamed about it during the six month what I'm going to call the Jane angst fest

tryingnottoblink🔁

How Weird must this toothpaste be that he is still thinking about it

theskullonthemantel🔁

Is the toothpaste Weird or is he just so obsessed with Jane he's become really fixated on it? Like that is probably the way he tastes when he kisses him?

raisedfromperdition🔁

No one is that down bad that they are thinking about someone's colgate this much. It must be Weird Canadian rich people shit

theskullonthemantel🔁

I know no one is that down bad for YOU that they think about what brand of toothpaste that you're using but the rest of us might have some experience with that

raisedfromperdition🔁

Oh fuck you.

theskullonthemantel🔁

You already did. It was underwhelming

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

Oh my GOD

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

CONFIRMATION

Silent_onthehill🔁

Chapter End Notes

When I first started this section I had planned for two chapters per year for the episode 4 montage. I’m currently writing chapter 16 and I’ll tell you that soooo didn’t happen. These chapters might in a way be a bridge between the front and back half of this fic but god dammit I’m going to enjoy driving on it. Or walking really. That’s more the pace I’ve ended up with.
Anyway a huge thank you to CherSandles as always for having beta’d this chapter. The proofreading they do is stellar and the feedback I get from them has really helped me make this fic something I’m so proud of.
I didn’t have a chance to look at the images in desktop this week so please let me know if something is super strange!!!
Thank you for reading!!!!

Chapter 13: 13

Chapter Notes

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Mar. 13 2019

1223

Pity is written into the lines of their automated faces. It's programmed into their digital displays. They search their database for the appropriate facial appearance as they approach me. Cycling through all the options before landing on the one I hate the most. The one that twists inside me like I've been poisoned. A knife to the lower gut. That fucking look on their faces, it slices me from hip to hip. Nearly deep enough to be a disembowelment. Despise me. Love me. Hate me. Revere me. I don't care. Let me see the fury in their eyebrows. The disgust in the turn of a lip. Lust in the widening of the eyes. Pity, even when I know it's just an imitation of genuine empathy, makes me sick. Can feel the nausea as they rest their hand stiffly on my arm. Robotic joint turning at too sharp of an angle, as if I won't know they aren't really here. I'm looking at a face made up of code and listening to a voice on an answering machine. They are the message played between shitty music as I wait on hold trying to speak to one of father's doctors. We will be with you shortly, thank you for your call.

None of it really matters but it kills me anyway. And then it kills me again that I care this much. So from the acid bile that rises from their pitying looks a fire lights. It's as good as gasoline inside my chest. I'm so fucking angry that they would dare to think things like that about me. What right do they have to think they've seen me? I seethe trying to keep my face neutral. My fangs retracting from my gums, I keep my mouth closed to hide the monster that's trying to claw its way out.

It's all such an overreaction and I know it. I bite the inside of my mouth until it bleeds as they open theirs, paper rolling out like a dog's tongue. Pre written platitudes scripted in neat fixed width fonts. I see the questions they surely know the answers to. The ones I've answered a thousand times and will probably answer a thousand more. Are you going home for Christmas? Oh no will they make it out here? Invitations they don't intend for you to take offered with a limp mechanical hand to avoid the guilt. Still halfheartedly trying to make the nice list after a year of debauchery. At least I know myself well enough to know where I stand with the big man in red. Inviting me to your Christmas with the children you barely know is not going to make up for the amount of girls you fucked on the road. I think the diamond earrings your wife is wearing tells me all I need to know about your journey to forgiveness.

Is it so bad that I don't care? That it doesn't matter to me? The 25th doesn't matter like this back home. We do not have this fascination. It can't be that sad that I'd prefer to sit with my good vodka and get drunk off my ass looking at the neighbor's lights. My house predictably barren. Just a wreath I bought from some kid hanging on the door.

Is it so bad that it's easier to just be alone?

1223

It's been snowing all morning. Isn't that something? Like some classic Christmas movie that Sveta made me watch when we were young. Curled up too close to the TV. Blanket around our shoulders and pressed together as we marvel at something that seemed so far away. The beginning of a dream lapping at both our feet. Standing at the beach of the things we could be, potential as vast as the ocean. Her mother was always laughing at our antics. Ruffling Sveta's hair as she passed. She always hated that, batting her hand away in annoyance. I wonder if she still does, or if it's become a fond childhood memory. The kind of thing you find yourself craving at the end of an awful day.

I went to stand out in the yard when I noticed. Couldn't help myself. Wandering out with no shoes on without thinking. Just my socks between me and the cold ground. The snow drifted down like a dream. Like the way a kid who grows up with a warm winter thinks snow falls. None of the bad parts. No black ice or shoveling driveways. Just perfect flakes floating down, setting gently on my nose when I tilted my head back. Clinging to my eyelashes, they felt so heavy when I finally had to open my eyes.

I went in eventually. My feet gone numb, and my face red from the cold. It got much less picturesque as I stood there. More bitterly cold and less whimsical. The wind became biting making my exposed skin that much more vulnerable. I felt the ache of the cold winter. A numbness that seeped in past my defenses and settled in at the bones. More than the cold and my general under-preparedness to stand in such weather, I felt the ache of my empty house. It became so obvious suddenly how silent it is. How everyone else has people to fill the rooms with. Standing out there as the snowstorm picked up, it got so much easier to think about how it could be different. The quiet always leads my mind to the worst kind of wandering. One moment I'm fine the next I'm thinking about Someone waiting in my house for me. Or maybe I'm in a different home entirely. A different country even. Squeezed in his childhood bed as the sun comes up. Smaller than the one he has in Montreal. Teasing him for the poster on his wall. Studying the childhood pictures hung up by the stairs, like the answers to my questions are hidden in his gap toothed smiles.

Who knows. They could be. He's beautiful enough maybe even god couldn't help himself. I'll never know. I'll never get the chance.

1223

Father was right. I think maybe he always was. Maybe I've gone soft. Weak, slack jawed, lacking any significant discipline. No understanding anymore of what it means to be a son worthy of him. Lost the strength father tried so hard to forge me with. His words holding the shape of a blacksmith's hammer as he swung it, my youth the glowing steel. But it didn't matter. My blade is prone to breaking despite his perfect execution. Sometimes the materials are just lacking. All the time trying to perfect me wasted. He's a legendary blacksmith and I'm his biggest failure. A commission from the king that plunged him into ruin. A reputation he spent his whole life building gone in the instant I snap in two. He'll never craft another sword and he'll die hating me for it. He may not even remember why in the end but I'll still be there, mounted on his wall. The two pieces of me, evidence of my battlefield failure, a monument to my failures.

How did I get here? What have I become? Lonely and a little drunk on Christmas? Dreaming of some soft thing like I could ever deserve it. Like I'm anything but a weapon that cuts indiscriminately. I gut the hero that holds me. He ends up run through by the thing meant to defend him. The villain laughing at the ease of his victory, he's thanking me for my service.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Christmas #Lily hates Christmas #Lily loves to lie #especially to himself #do you hate Christmas or do you just want a boyfriend #blacksmiths #Swords #lily as a sword? #the more you know?

Notes 1402

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed

Patient is preoccupied with…swords?

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed
Replying to @helpimobessed

Correction. Patient thinks he is a sword??

Sof @buttpucks
Replying to @helpimobsessed

Somebody finally got a chance to watch lord of the rings.

Kathy @Lilys_Bitch_Kathy
Replying to @buttpucks

Do they talk this much about disembowelment in LOTR?

r/russiandairies

u/Janecomegetyourman

The blacksmith.

Did reading that section make anyone else really fucking angry at lily's dad? It took me a while to put my finger on what bothered me so much about the blacksmith section and I think I finally landed on it.

It's not the sword's fault if it breaks. If the sword is faulty it wasn't crafted well. It might very well be the fault of the blacksmith who made it. His reputation should be damaged if what he provided wasn't quality. Even if that isn't the problem, maybe it gave out because it was pushed past its limit. Or it wasn't cared for properly. Or it was being wielded incorrectly. It's not the fault of the tool that it was broken. A sword doesn't choose to kill a man. The sword isn't responsible for the actions of the person who holds it. If he ends up run through by his own weapon, maybe that's his own fault. Maybe the sword just needed to be cared for.

150⬆️22⬇️34💬

Takecoveritsabathbomb

OP Please put the gun down.

Janecomegetyourman-OP

What?

HollanovTruther_42

So I completely agree with you and obviously the way lily views this whole thing is really skewed by what seems like a lifetime of abuse but something tells me this is maybe a bit more personal for you?

Janecomegetyourman-OP

I really don't get what everyone is talking about

Onlythree_lemons

Not you being called out by the resident crazy

HollanovTruther_42

You say ONE thing about Ilya Rozanov being Lily and the people never let it go

Loosingdogbet-23

One? If my memory doesn't fail me I think that post had nine points

HollanovTruther_42

It was only seven :(

musthavebeenthe_wind

This is not the first time we have seen this contradiction. Lily has often referred to himself as an object. This goes all the way back to some of the first entries we ever read by him when he was (presumably) 17. He says "A new glittering trophy, another medal for his uniform" when describing his value to his father. When he does this he ultimately strips away his personhood (a theme we have seen a lot. Look at any reference to a machine or a monster. He is almost unanimously referring to himself. Save the people wondering about his Christmas plans. Which he has a great deal of disdain for but that's something to unpack another time). The fault still always lies in him though. He is both a thing that has no autonomy or value and a monster that hurts people on purpose. His self image is deeply deeply flawed.

Onlythree_lemons

It's ironic that someone who clearly views himself as having, and excuse me for the gross phrasing, a high sexual value clearly struggles so deeply to view himself as having any worth beyond that.

HollanovTruther_42

That's because in a sexual context he is providing something. Offering himself to be used. It's easy to understand in that situation why someone wants you. Especially if like Lily you have an understanding that you're physically attractive. Your body is a separate thing from who you are so it's easy to be wanted for it. Much harder to reckon with the fact that someone might like you just for you. Or on the other hand, that they might not.

onfathersshelf

When your worth is tied to something you provide, the value is assigned to the tangible 'service' and not the more nebulous idea of the intrinsic worth of a human.

burning_flame587

God there some brainy people in here. I'm just here for the gay yearning.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Are you surprised? This did all start on r/BUpostgrad

roses4_rosie

Really?

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

The Children are already losing the ancient texts

Xreme4Xsquad18

I'm going to need you to follow this train of thought. Expand on it. Ruminate. And then apply it to your own life.

northstar_dick

Sometimes people post on here and I'm like…you don't know it but you are a lily. Let's take the sympathy and empathy and turn it inward

Janecomegetyourman-OP

This is so off base and such a strange thing to say. I'm just talking about Lily and the metaphor. This has nothing to do with me and my mom

Hollygetshattricks

You see op how none of us brought up your mom.

dead-gel-pen86

Do you need a minute OP?

Janecomegetyourman-OP

Oh my god. Am I a sword???

Xreme4Xsquad18

And they get it. Another person enlightened. Now what they will do with this information. Who knows.

Strangerimindanger

speaking from experience…Probably nothing until they unpack in therapy in 10 years but hey, everyone starts somewhere.

Go for the Jill @stillofftheclock

"Is it so bad that I don't care? That it doesn't matter to me?" Sir excuse me.

Lily @butnotjanes
Replying to @stillofftheclock

Me when I lie

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @stillofftheclock

I hate Christmas stop fucking inviting me to things. But also I bought a wreath from a kid that came to my door. Also I want to lock down my fuck buddy and spend it with his parents. Also I really wish I wasn't alone. But it doesn't matter to me. I hate it

My low HDL @justtoodamnbad
Replying to @watermeplease

Also I believe in Santa

Boiling_Potato🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Mar. 16 2019

0123-DAL

Father was….himself tonight. I answered his call and I heard him through the speaker. The real him. The kind of clarity I haven't seen from him in months. Years maybe. He's so different and I didn't realize just how much until he had returned. His voice in my phone, cutting through the distance. Funny how a sound can transport you. I know I'm in America now. In another hotel room. Bland artwork on the wall. Horses running through a tan landscape. Fucking Texas. But in that moment, hearing that quality of his voice I hadn't realized has been missing, I was back home. The earth shifted beneath my feet, the gap of thousands of miles closed instantly. I felt like I was a kid. Standing in front of him after a bad game. Trying not to shake as he peels back layers of skin and muscle. No anesthesia. It would interfere with how I might twitch when he tugs on a tendon. I bite my tongue to keep from screaming as he pulls some new string and my leg jerks. I know the show of weakness will only make it worse. I know the instinct to show your belly as a last ditch effort to save yourself is for prey. Father isn't that kind of predator. He won't make it quick and painless in exchange for the submission. It will only end in a more painful dissection.

He knew about my game last week. Knew the score. Has he ever known the fucking score my whole career? He knew about my colossal fuck up. Treated me to an in depth analysis of every second I was on the ice. Every shift where I made things worse and worse. The surgeon has returned. His scalpels as deft as they were in my memory. The strings I usually see lifting his arms upward are twisted in his own fist. I hadn't realized how far he's been until he returned. The space between us crashing to nothing, time pressing against itself. 23 and 13 right beside each other. Two pages everything between them ripped out without leaving a jagged edge at the crease. A misprint in time. Someday it'll be a collector's item.

I almost choked on the surprise of it. The wind knocked out of me like a hit I hadn't been expecting. When did I stop bracing for impact when I see his name? Has it really been so long that I left myself open? When did I stop protecting the parts of me he used to excavate? Keeping them in check with his knives' precision. Was I really naive enough to think he had managed to remove it all from me? That there was nothing left to protect? That he wouldn't return for the tumors that have been growing unchecked during his leave of absence. Dreams of the things I'll never have clinging to my organs. The longing clogging up my arteries. At this point a heart attack would probably be preferable.

He gets a star today. I'll make it in the corner of today's date. Small but I'll use my special glittery pen for the extra effort. Maybe I should invest in a pad of stickers. Count up the shiny stars at the end of the month. If we reach 10 he'll get a prize.

0123-COL

Are you lonely? Are you cold buried in the ground so far from me? No family in the plots around you. No one familiar to keep you company. Strangers buried in neat rows in a cemetery not well enough kept to be your eternal resting place.

I'll never forgive him for putting you there. Like a thing he didn't want to look at anymore. An ugly lamp from your mother in law you keep in the attic. Pulled out hastily when she comes to visit. How inconvenient for him to have to think of his first wife on occasion. How rude of you to kill yourself in your marital bed. The sheets had just been washed.

Do you wonder why I've let you rot there? Why I haven't visited you today. Why the flowers I place beside your headstone in the summer have long wilted with no replacements. Do you claw at the inside of your coffin as you scream for me, bony fingers dragging down the valleys you've carved into the wood.

I think sometimes I can hear you screaming. Your loud and jagged breaths in my ears as you weep. Begging me for answers, pleading with me to take you somewhere warm. You ask over and over why I don't love you enough to care for you.

0223 - MTL

I hate not knowing if this was the last time. The next time I see him will he look at me with a sort of flat disinterest? Will I send him a room number and be met with only silence? Waiting in a hotel room in my own city for someone who won't bother to show up.

How much time really do I have with him before he meets someone easy. Someone who lives in his city, who can quietly exist in the outskirts of his life. I'm sure he could find someone content to be his secret. Who is happy and willing to wait for him to have played all the hockey he can rip from his body and they can live a quiet life. He'll find someone to give him that. He inspires that kind of devotion. Someone who isn't a hollowed out thing. A pretty package to hide the absence.

At the end of this, when it goes from just temporary to a memory, how long will I have had him? An hour or two four times a year? A little longer at All Stars? If I put it all together, cutting out all the spare moments I spend too long thinking about into a collage, will it even add up to a night spent with him? The Frankenstein's monster of our ill thought out affair just a drop in the ocean of his life. He won't even bother to remember our mismatched collection of hours until he's asked by his someone about his youthful mistakes. No secrets anymore when I'm dead and the well lived years show on his face.

I like to think of him sometimes. What he'd look like in twenty or thirty years. He'll be different I'm sure. Some gray hair maybe. His build diminished with age and time. The consequence of a retirement well spent. But those eyes. God, I just know they will always be the same. How could they not be? The way they never turn away from me. Sharp and curious and wanting. I can't take looking at them for very long. Apollo himself has taken up residence there. His stolen flaming chariot visible in his iris. If I stared any longer I'm sure it would have been obvious how much I wanted to study him. Memorize the placement of every eyelash. Trace lines between his freckles, marveling at the changes in the length of his hair.

I hope I got a good look. Even if it wasn't as long as I would have liked. I hope I've committed it to memory. Burned it into my eyelids so it never leaves. So I have it, so no one can take it. Just in case today was the last time.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #oh so what if we killed his dad #what if he was dead #he spends all this time worrying about you and this is how you repay him #God I thought he couldn't get worse but here we are #Lily's mom #that tag should come with a trigger warning. #Jane #But those eyes??! #oh my god?

Notes 1492

Sadlittlerat

I think I can hear agonized screaming in the distance. Can I assume that another installment of the Russian diaries just got posted?

Idontwanttogo🔁

Can anyone tell me if I'm safe to read this one on my lunch break or should I wait until I get home to spare myself the embarrassment of crying in the break room.

raisedfromperdition🔁

You must be new here

Paulandpeterfinallybanged 🔁

I think you're good to just read it. This one is kind of sweet actually

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

Do not listen to that liar.

snakesnakesnake🔁

DO NOT APPROACH IN PUBLIC

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

"Are you Lonely?"

theskullonthemantel🔁

Stop that. I've not yet recovered from reading it the first time.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

How was that section not even the worst

Silent_onthehill🔁

Thosetwogayhobbits 🔁

How was the sweet part somehow so much sadder than all the other parts.

Idontwanttogo🔁

Abort. Abort. Should have listened oh my god.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #This one sad or? #why are you even asking #aren't they always. #oh no I hope they didn't listen to them. #stop re traumatizing me #But those eye #FUCK

Notes 640

My low HDL @justtoodamnbad

And here I thought the only good part about having a dead mom is that she didn't guilt you about not visiting enough. #lily always gets the ass end of the deal #russiandiaries

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
Replying to @justtoodamnbad

That's what you got from that. Really?

DarcyHandFlexes

So he's building a positive association with his father saying things to him that are so painful he would rather be having a heart attack. Great I'm sure this is not something that's going to become a problem later

Justcallhim!🔁

It certainly will not and hasn't already seeped into his other relationships.

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

For sure not going to affect his ability to develop heathy connections with people.

readyforit🔁

I hope they have a good therapist in the afterlife. God damn boy. Make an appointment.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Not him being dead and still needing a shrink.

faethinfigueroth🔁

When your dad is such a piece of shit not even you dying fixed the mental problems.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #say it with me #fuck lily's dad #afterlife #dead therapy #it's all the rage

Notes 391

Chapter End Notes

A Thursday update from me? I say I’ll hold to a schedule and then I get too excited oops!
Big thank you to CherSandles for having beta’d this chapter. I swear I’m always throwing chapters at them being like “it’s the worst thing I’ve get written. Enjoy!!” And the feedback I get is always deeply kind and helpful. One thank you on update day isn’t enough but I fear it’s all I have!
If you notice any problems with the pictures or generally any formatting issues please let me know!! This was formatted on my phone one handed during my lunch break so I really wouldn’t be surprised if I missed something.
On last weeks chapter I was asked for book recs so I figured I’d throw what I’m currently reading here for anyone that cares at all. I’ve been listening to east of eden by John Steinbeck which is a bit sprawling (not to mention containing some problematic language and themes you’d expect from a book written in the 50s. Like the way he talks about indigenous people. YIKES) so I’ve taken breaks to listen to full cast recording of hamlet and Prometheus bound!!! God I love my local library! Neither of those of course have anything to do with the chapter I’m writing right now and the fact that I feel like a fraud if I reference anything I haven’t read (or listened to) at least semi recently. I don’t think I can count the summer before I turned 21 where I got a bit obsessed with the greek tragedies as that recent anymore 😞
Anyway thank you so much for reading!!! I love every single comment I get and the emails telling me someone commented are like little treasures in my inbox. They will never get deleted.

Chapter 14: 14

Chapter Notes

lilywenttothestore🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Mar. 19 2019

0223-OTT

Let some girl bring me home. If I had a usual type I'd say she wasn't it. Two silver hoops in her lips and a bar through the cartilage of her left ear. It looked like a key and snagged on her hair a bit as I pulled a little. She didn't even flinch just moaned. Maybe she liked the unexpected discomfort of it, or maybe I'm hot enough she didn't notice.

She was cool in the way most people I meet aren't. Settled maybe. A bit older than me. I meet so many people who take the form of a question mark. The way they sit on a bar stool leaning a bit too much to one side. Unbalanced. They walk like their shoes aren't theirs. It's not bad, I'm hardly one to criticize. But sometimes it's nice for a question to meet an answer. Even if they don't match.

She didn't know who I was I think. Or if she did she didn't care. She didn't have that look about her like the ones that do. Wasn't looking at me out of the corner of her eye as she tried to text someone discreetly. She talked to me over a drink or two and I let her bring me home.

She was covered on the left side in tattoos. Wolves running up her forearm through photo realistic trees. A dragon curled around her hip breathing flames towards her belly button. When I pushed her face down into the mattress I couldn't help staring at the galaxy taking up her entire shoulder. Stretching across her back in full color, among the stars was a strange blue box flying like it was a spaceship. I didn't get it and I didn't ask.

I liked her. Or no I didn't. She was interesting to talk to I suppose. I didn't leave as soon as we were done. Gave her a cigarette and we smoked in her bed staring up at her painted ceiling. She lifted one half shaved eyebrow as she fished them out of my coat pocket standing naked across the room from me. Called me a stereotype holding up the carton. In that way I guess I am.

I don't really know how long I stayed. It wasn't that long I don't think. Just so much longer than usual. The length only impressive in comparison to my usual habits. I stared at the fixture in the middle of her ceiling. She replaced it with one to make it look like a sun. Surrounding it more stars. Constellations above her bed this time instead of the swirling galaxy inked into her skin. Accurate too, as far as I can tell. She laughed when I mentioned it. Sudden like it just escaped her while she was using her finger to pull through a tangle in her hair. She said most people don't notice. I said nothing as she lit my cigarette, fiddling a bit with my old lighter.

It was nice for a moment. To exist outside the bounds of it all. Like we were out in space. Like that bedroom was floating far from here. We talked like two people in bed smoking do. Conversation wide and meandering. Poses satisfied and comfortable, settled in our poor decision making. She smirked when I got the quiet reference she made about War of the Worlds. She had said it like she hadn't made it for me to hear. Just something she wanted to say without it mattering whose ears it reached, my understanding a happy accident. She hadn't been surprised though, when I understood it. She didn't expect that it would go over my head automatically.

She smiled when I made my own. She gave me her number. Wrote it on a novelty sticky note. Didn't even ask for my phone, probably knew it was in the pocket of my pants thrown somewhere. Or she was one of those people that reject the modern era. I won't call her. I've already thrown away the note. But it was nice. It hasn't been nice like that in a while.

It makes me wonder what it might be like if I let someone have me. It couldn't be loveless I don't think. I couldn't swallow the kind of thing father has with Polina. The transaction of it practically written in their wedding vows. And how could I expect someone to love me when I know I'm incapable of returning it? Just an empty vat they pour devotion into. Affection seeping into barren ground, swallowing it whole and desperate but fruit will never grow from my soil. And if they loved me, if any person alive could, if they could overcome such an impossibility, how could I let them ruin themselves? If they loved me despite my hollowness, were willing to accept my empty affections, how could I let myself be their tragedy?

The end is fixed. I walk a path that is well worn. My own footprints visible as it stretches out before me. My shoes fit in them perfectly as I walk. Sometimes I feel the deja vu of it. Feeling like I've stood just here before. The question for me has never been where I'll end, it's always been when.

0223-TOR

Do they know how to skate here? Did they replace their whole team with large toddlers and I didn't notice? It almost made winning feel..cheap? There is an American saying for this, like taking candy from a baby?

0223-TOR

Fucked a girl and I don't know why. She wanted me. I like that she did. She was beautiful in the very obvious sort of way. The way that doesn't really have character. That's a cruel thing to think, she really was beautiful. The other guys were jealous she wanted me so openly. I showed her a good time, not that I ever don't. I enjoyed it how you enjoy a good run. Loose limbed and accomplished after, body buzzing with endorphins. As I collected my things and left she answered her phone, voice drifting in from her living room as my hand touched the handle of her front door. She was telling someone about me. About how the rumors were true. How I'd lived up to her expectations.

Boasting that I was another one on her list done. I left quickly when she mentioned Jane's name, the sound of her laughing about how he would be her crowning achievement. The idea of her with him echoing in my head as I fled.

Is this all I'll ever be? A checkbox on someone's list? A story they tell?

0223

I thought about telling him since it happened. Texting him about the girl. About hearing his name on her lips as she laughed. I haven't yet and I don't think I will. I don't think he would like to hear about my escapades. More than anyone already does anyway. Where did this sudden twist of guilt come from? Settled at the pit of my stomach like I've done something wrong. I haven't. Jane and me, we aren't anything. We are less than nothing. I am just the passing of his time.

Would he actually hate to hear it or would he think it was funny? Would he ask for her number? He's very kind to fans after all. Maybe he'd fulfill her wish. Make sure she got closer to the complete set.

Am I just imagining the pinched vaguely hurt look on his face because it makes me feel like I'm more important to him than I am? Maybe it's not him that doesn't want to hear it, but me that doesn't want to say it.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lilys one night stands #doctor who tattoo? #oh boy #lily thinking he's unlovable once again #im getting the urge to punch an old Russian man suddenly #Wonder where that came from #not the Toronto shade #lily you break my heart then make me laugh #now that's what I call the lily experience

Notes 1521

Lily's strays @lilyhatercount

#Lily wonders if the Toronto guardians have "…replace(ed) their whole team with large toddlers…" and says that winning was like "…taking candy from a baby…"

Chase @kentgoalreplays
Replying to @lilyhatercount

I don't know who this fucking Lily bitch is but she doesn't know shit. Go chase more hockey dick I know thats something you understand.

Still suffering @3612always
Replying to @kentgoalreplays

And there's the annoying guardian fan. Got here in record time

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobsessed
Replying to @3612always

I mean I think Lily would gladly go chasing some hockey dick? Some Canadian hockey dick specifically. It's like his whole thing. I personally don't think he would be offended.

Kathy @Lilys_Bitch_Kathy
Replying to @helpimobessed

Lily would say yes sir and haul his ass straight over the Canadian border and into Janes bed.

teamkillLily'sdad

How hot does Jane have to be that Lily is passing on this hot alt baddie who wants to date him.

Justalilymetaphor 🔁

It must be insane. Like the most beautiful man you've ever seen. He just throws the number away!! Doesn't even think about it. My man, some of us would kill for the opportunity.

LilywillgetaHEA🔁

Why did he do that!!! She seems so cool. He even mentions that he thinks so too! She loves Sci fi! He seems to like her!

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

I mean how much does he like her actually though. He was presumably INSIDE HER and was like 'huh confusing tattoo'

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

I wish he had kept the number even if he didn't want to date her. It seems like that could have been a good friend for him? Like he said he liked her, I just don't think he was that invested in the potential romantic aspect? But that could have been another friend for him. He seems desperately in need of them.

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

How many hot girls that he fucks sometimes but he doesn't want to date does one man NEED. The greed to have this many close friends with benefits. Leave something for the rest of us

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

I don't think Lily has any friends other than Sveta, with benefits or otherwise.

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

Stop that I didn't sign up to be sad. I'm making fun of Lily for fumbling a hottie.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

This is the Russian Diaries what else did you think you were signing up for?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #the hot girl with the doctor who tattoo #jane MUST be smokin' #there is NO other explanation #please hot alt girl just give me one chance. #Just one! #I may not be a rich Hockey player but I'd call you back!

Notes 792

r/russiandiaries

U/notreallyrivals

The timeline is wrong

During the latest installment Lily describes sleeping with a girl that has a tattoo he doesn't get. He says "Stretching across her back in full color among the stars was a strange blue box flying like it was a spaceship". This must be a different Dr. Who reference! It's the only thing that makes sense. But that show didn't come out until 2005 so there is no way that the current timeline is right. It can't be 2002!

And if we know this is post 2005 then there really is only one option that makes sense for who these diaries belong to. Hollanov truther 42 was right. Lily is Ilya Rozanov. The names even kinda rhyme!

26⬆️112⬇️45💬

Loosingdogbet-23

Hollanovs allergic to google confirmed

Getoffmy_balcony

Doctor who came out in 2005? Close! You are only 42 years off!!!

HollanovTruther_42

Now why are you dragging me into this. What did I fucking do in a past life to deserve this.

Onlythree_lemons

You've been u/hollanovtruther_42 since 2012. I think you know what you did in this life to deserve it

HollanovTruther_42

Oh my fucking hell. I had a little fun! How dare I!! A crime of the highest order!!

NO_RED_LIGHTS

Hey op when watching dr who did you ever wonder why they started at the 9th doctor. Ever occur to you that you might be watching a reboot?

myfruits_gonebad

No response should we expect this post to be deleted soon?

NO_RED_LIGHTS

I mean that's what I would do

Avoiding_like_a_Lily

I know people here are being dicks op and to be fair, this is definitely a blunder on your part but it happens! Sometimes you just forget things.

Janesfreckle_constellations

I don't know about everyone else but it's all in good fun for me.

Avoiding_like_a_Lily

What I don't get is why everyone has to dogpile someone here as soon as they make a mistake

myfruits_gonebad

I think in this instance it's a bit fair? I mean the immediate insistence that a doctor who tattoo means that Lily must be Ilya Rozanov is so deeply ridiculous. That sentence has never been spoken before. Objectively I'm still laughing about it.

AllStar_helmetkiss

I'm happy for another soldier for the front lines but I'm going to need you to get in my dms asap and start acting right. We have lost the battle but we will win the war. This is bad for the cause. Do not speak unless your representation is present. The cops are not your friend.

notreallyrivals-OP

Yes ma'am

Jane_Hollander

Our public defender clocking in

HollanovTruther_42

She could be making the big bucks getting rich peoples kids off scot free but she defends the little man instead

Mrs.JilyHollanov

Truly Honorable

Cents_Not_Centsible

The funny thing about the hollanov Russian diary fans is that I never know when if they're joking or not.

AllStar_helmetkiss

And you never will!

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

I'm having thoughts

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

Oh god.

Sadlittlerat🔁

Take cover. Take cover!!!

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

So take this with a grain of salt because I'm making a lot of assumptions here but I don't get the impression that Lily has any close friends except for Sveta. I also really don't think he's going to give anyone else a chance either. I think we get a lot about why in the latest update. He sees himself incapable of love and more importantly largely incapable of being loved. He says this outright 'And if they loved me, if any person alive could, if they could overcome such an impossibility.." the part that really stuck to me is the 'if anybody alive could'. He's probably talking about his mom here. He knows his mother loved him but she's been gone such a long time. And yet he doesn't question if she loved him. It's a truth of the universe to him. So then logically he must have been deserving of love before she died. So then he can accept love from people who knew him before. Sveta is his closest friend and seemingly the only person he will let care for him in any way. Why her? Because she knew him before he became unlovable. He'll never give Jane or our tattooed baddie a chance because he thinks the person worth loving died when she did. Those are just my current messy thoughts.

myfavoritejanes🔁

I saw you loading the gun. Looked at you as you aimed it. Watched you pull the trigger and shoot me three times in the chest. Anyway thanks for the analysis and go fuck yourself.

tryingnottoblink🔁

I don't know if this is true or not but I'm going to go ahead and assume there is no textual evidence for this and it's all bad interpretation. That way it might hurt a little less you asshole.

Idontwanttogo🔁

Thanks for the warning. Gave me a chance to hide in the bathroom before the bomb went off

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

You're welcome. Never say I didn't do anything for you.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #ouch #Darcy analysis #hurts and not in the good way #fuck Lily needs a hug #Let yourself be loved Lily #please #all you have to do is let it happen #but he isn't ready yet #fuck #Lily really needs a therapist #but we've known that

Notes 992

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed

Brb gotta go sit on a bar stool and see if I lean slightly to one side?

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
replying to @helpimobessed

How exactly does one know if they walk like their shoes aren't theirs?

Go for the Jill @stillofftheclock
replying to @watermeplease

Maybe if you didn't take the form of a question you'd know

Silent_onthehill🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Mar. 24 2019

0223-WSH

She scratched me badly as she came. Some before that too but it wasn't bad up to then. Didn't break skin anyway till the end. During, she dug her sharp nails into my shoulders so hard I think it might have bled. It stung in the shower when I came back to the hotel. I wish she hadn't done it. Didn't like the pain of it even though she clearly did. After, when I pulled my clothes back on, she laughed inspecting her hands. I felt the sting of my shirt pulling over my shoulders as she held her nails to the light. Like she was checking them for imperfections. To me they suddenly looked like talons.

I didn't tell her to stop even though I could have. It felt wrong to tell her somehow. What was I going to do? Rip her hands off of me as she arched? Interrupt her moaning because it stung a little? And have it spread everywhere by morning? Suddenly everyone's talking about how I can't handle the girl in my bed.

I'm never there to make things more difficult. Tell me what you want and I'll do it. Tell me what you don't and we'll never speak of it again. Tell me to leave and I'll be gone in an instant. I'm easy. Convenient. Not someone to worry about. I can be the things they want and none of the things they don't.

It's fine. The scratches will heal. It's not like they will scar. I'm making a big deal out of nothing. The guys will give me shit about it but who cares. Not me. Her marks will fade and I won't see her again.

0223

She had freckles. The same eyes if you let your eyes go unfocused. Comparable when she was half turned away in the dark.

I felt his name on my tongue while I was with her. His breath panting in my ear. Ghost lingering just out of view.

0323

Fucked a man this time. Been a while with someone who isn't Jane. It was good, great even. He was fun and flexible and didn't give a fuck about me beyond my body. Refreshing to be wanted so openly for something so easy to give.

But it wasn't what I wanted somehow. And it was too risky to not have scratched the itch.

0323

I was driving faster than I should have been. Foot pressed down like it was made of solid lead. I just drove for hours, ended up on a straight enough stretch I felt safe enough to be reckless. When I was in the middle doing something a bit stupid, laughing with my music so loud I couldn't think past the feeling of the car surging beneath me, I saw it. A flash of the future maybe. A road like this one with a different destination for me. Knew how easy it would be to pull the wheel to the left. How I could end up wrapped around a tree or skidding on my side after I hit uneven ground. The prophecy suddenly became a premonition. I almost felt the heat of the impact. The glass flying, the sound of it. The airbags deploy but it's not enough to soften the blow.

I think maybe, I'm pretty sure anyway, it's going to happen like that.

I'm pulled over now. Off to the side with my hazards blinking. Just sitting behind the wheel letting the music play. I'm not sure when I started bringing this stupid thing with me everywhere but I'm glad now to have it. I have to write now that my hands have stopped shaking. That might have been the only reason they did. My pen feels like the only reason they haven't started again.

I was having such a good day. Before that thought entered by head and stuck. It's clinging to the inside of my skull. Some powerful forces wrote it there in a language I couldn't read until just now. It's there forever, not that it matters if it wasn't. I know now and I'll never be able to forget it. The pounding of my heart is still so loud in my ears I can barely hear the music. But even after I've calmed down I'll remember this. God I hope no one pulls over to check on me before I put myself back together. They will ask me what's wrong, why I look like I've seen a ghost.

How would I tell them that I think I've just seen mine?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #That's not normal #tell me you know that's not normal #Lily you never have to do anything you don't want to do #and I'm going to need you to actually get that therapist now #like it's not a joke anymore buddy

Notes 1591

LilywillgetaHEA🔁

so how's everyone doing after the newest Russian diaries?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

9'sleatherjacket🔁

Is this about him feeling like he's not allowed to tell someone he doesn't like something in bed, reducing himself once again to an object whose feelings don't matter or the fact that he has a plan for how he's going to die?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

I think both is bad would be more accurate but I understand your point.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Are you capable of speaking outside of memes right now

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Okay understandable

faethinfigueroth🔁

DarcyHandFlexes.exe has stopped working

LilywillgetaHEA🔁

I came here for devastating Darcy analysis but I'll just check back in later. Enjoy your crash out.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #will Darcy hurt us again #or do they need to think some more before they kill me #oh Lily finally got her #even God's strongest soldiers can only take so much

Notes 690

Sof @buttpucks

"They will ask me what's wrong, why I look like I've seen a ghost. How would I tell them that I think I've just seen mine?" where is the nearest bridge so I can walk off it.

Fancy soap collector @lushluver
Replying to @buttpucks

Which one you going to? I'd love to join.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

hey a psa for anyone that needs to hear it. Telling your sexual partner you don't like something and want them to stop is never inconvenient. It doesn't make you too difficult or somehow less sexy. You can and should tell them if at any point something makes you uncomfortable no matter how far you are into that encounter. Yes Lily even if your partner is in the middle of orgasm when it happens. This doesn't make you a bad person and should always be respected by your intimate partners. If they don't think so, they shouldn't be someone you have in your life.

snakesnakesnake🔁

All the Lilys out there really need to be hearing this. Unfortunately they are too busy having vaguely traumatic sexual experiences to be on tumblr.

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

Somebody screenshot this and put it on Reddit

snakesnakesnake🔁

You think people on Reddit are getting laid?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #please don't do things you're uncomfortable with folks #you need to say when you don't like something #this is great advice but wasted on us I think.

Notes 391

R/russiandiaries

U/musthavebeenthe_wind

Speculation: latest update

I don't usually like to speculate about this kind of thing but didn't Nikolai Rybnikov die in a car accident?

389⬆️45⬇️71💬

Andmyass42

Yes he died in a single car collision in February of 2008. It was deemed an accident and confirmed that he was not under the influence at the time of his death. This is what we know for sure. This is ALL we know period. While I know it won't happen I would suggest we leave it at that.

Reallystale_toast14

Didn't we decide that these diaries weren't real?

Suddenly_acockroach

Does that mean that the entry was written with Rybnikov as inspiration? Kind of in bad taste if so.

Andmyass42

I really wish we wouldn't have this conversation. I know most of you weren't like around and engaged in hockey during this time but people were really horrible about it.

Ohcannonmycannon

I have a really clear memory of going to a game shortly after this and this guy next to me going on a tirade about how much of a pussy he was for killing himself and ruining their playoff chances. He said he couldn't believe how selfish he was for not waiting until summer to do it. The word selfish LITERALLY came out of this guys mouth. No empathy AT ALL

Andmyass42

You know what's even crazier about that? There was no playoff chances anyway! We were not doing well during this time and basically wouldn't be until Rozanov was drafted in 2009. There was a reason we got the #1 draft pick and it sure as hell wasn't a trade

Lily-has-a-heart

So this is basically confirmation then that Lily is Rybnikov right?

_Svetasupremacy

I mean how many Russian guys in Boston have thought about killing themselves by crashing their cars.

Andmyass42

It can't be confirmation because as I've said a million times WE DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT RYBNIKOV'S DEATH. We don't know if it was a suicide or not and we probably never will. Speculating about it is wrong. Let the poor man rest in peace.

dreamingof_jane

Do we think Lily really had a vision of his own death?

Onlythree_lemons

Are you asking seriously if Lily had visions of the future?

dreamingof_jane

I mean kind of yes. He speaks with certainty that he will kill himself and literally referred to it as a premonition

Onlythree_lemons

I mean no I don't think Lily can or did see the future. I think he talks like that about his own death because in a weird way he finds it comforting to not have a choice. His mother killed herself and maybe it's easier to accept that if you think she didn't have a choice. It was fate. Nothing anyone did, nothing he did, could have prevented it.

As for the "premonition" I think he had a really scary intrusive thought that really rattled him. He literally had to pull over and could only make himself stop shaking to write. For a guy that already believes so rigidly there's nothing to be done to save him I'm not surprised he interpreted it as like a glimpse into his future. I don't know if Lily is Rybnikov. But I do know if I was in a really dark place and was considering ending my own life it doesn't seem like a crazy jump that I might do it in the way I've thought about before.

AllStar_helmetkiss

Literally the definition of a self fulfilling prophecy

Sour-green_apples

Usually the diaries are fun. Even in sad parts there is a catharsis to being sad for Lily. Maybe it's the idea that maybe after everything he'll get a happy ending? I don't know, I just know that this just makes me sad and not in The Fun way.

tryingnottoblink

Lily has an intense emotional realization at some point in February about how much he doesn't want to stop seeing Jane and then proceeds to write almost exclusively about his sexual exploits for the next month (I know about the car crash entry. Everyone does. I can't even BEGIN to think about it right now). Something tells me our boy was trying to use meaningless sex to backtrack on how much he wants a certain someone.

Dontphonehome🔁

The notable part I think is writing about it. I have no doubt that he's been sleeping with a lot of people the whole time. There have been vague references to it. But it's like he's trying to assign them equal importance to Jane?

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

What like I write about this random girl I hooked up with and I also write about Jane so Jane must also not mean anything to me?

Sadlittlerat🔁

And yet after all that he still sleeps with a girl that kind of looks like him.

Paulandpeterfinallybanged🔁

And a guy! Seemingly to try and get Jane out of his system. But it's not because Jane is a man. It's because he wants Jane SO BAD.

Lilysbookcollection 🔁

Don't care about Jane: MISSION FAILED

Percabethforever🔁

Lily: don't worry we'll get em' next time

Boiling_Potato🔁

He would in fact not get em' next time.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily's inability to self examine jane related feelings #Sleeping with randoms because you can't have the Canadian freckled cutie you want #Don't care about Jane #ooops he failed already #He'll try again but we all know how that will end

Notes 789

Chapter End Notes

This chapter brought to you by a cherry slush Alani and the most insane late night writing session I’ve ever done. Do not drink that much caffeine that late in the day folks. It was not my best idea.
Bit of an early update but I figure with the maintenance tomorrow I’d just get it out early (this is a lie I’ve just been excited to post this chapter since I wrote it a few weeks ago)
Big thank you to CherSandles for having beta’d this for me and for all their awesome comments about this chapter. I have taken to calling one of the people mentioned in this chapter ms. Pokémon and that is 100% a Cher original.
I realized today that this thing is over 50k words now. When I originally kind mapped this out in my head I thought the whole thing would be less than that. It seems this fic has well and truly gotten away from me.
Anyway thank you so much for reading!!!!

Chapter 15: 15

Chapter Notes

3.26.2019-4.8.2019

Jane'smoancatalog

Anyone heard from Paul or peter lately? I swear I haven't seen them around at all for ages.

Sadlittlerat🔁

Don't worry they're fine.

justcallhim!!🔁

They are currently arguing about if Lily has any idea if he's in love with Jane or not. Loudly. In public.

Sadlittlerat🔁

We've been pretending not to know them for the past twenty minutes. I honestly don't even know who is on which side of the argument anymore.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

Oh Good. I was starting to get worried that they had actually killed each other.

justcallhim!!🔁

They've just found a cough in person method for working out their disagreements. If you know what I mean.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

I was there for the infamous "it was underwhelming" post. You don't need to speak in code. We all know they be fuckin.

Boiling_Potato🔁

Enemies to lovers lesbians aside My Jealously knows no bounds that you fuckers have people to talk to in person about the diaries. I just walk the halls of my home alone screaming like a crazed Victorian woman. curse my middle of nowhere address.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #i have to use those tags #but this isn't even about them #like at this point #paul/peter #should be a tag #whats their ship name #pauter?

Notes 306

i'mreadyforit🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Mar. 30 2019

0323

Father called. When isn't he calling these days . It feels like between them all my phone is always ringing. Somebody somewhere wants something. Father doesn't like the new cleaner. She's not new, she was hired almost a year ago. The grocery delivery comes at a bad time of day. His new pills make him nauseous. Can't you call them and have them give him something else? More this more that. No that's wrong. Why did you do it like that? Money money more money. More time, more calls, more things to arrange. Just take care of it would you? Is that so hard? I'm standing right here and you're across an ocean but be a good son and take care of it. Oh yes and also send more money.

0323

I've been dreaming again. It'd been months and I thought they'd finally gone for good. I should have known that they would return as suddenly as they left. They were fuzzy nondescript things at first. I woke up with a crick in my neck after napping on the plane. The only thing in my memory flashes of colors. The golden sun streaming in and setting on our kitchen table. The burgundy of her favorite skirt twirling as she swayed humming some song I don't reminder. Nothing concrete enough to be painful. Uncomfortable but survivable.

Next the memories returned. Realistic replays of childhood nostalgia mostly. Alexei and me on the ice together. I'm stumbling and he catches me. Cheeks rosy red from the cold, aching from how much we are smiling. Mama is taking pictures off to the side. Laughing at our antics. The waking from these is painful. A wound that never healed, aggravated with infection and inflamed. The taste of winter days when the three of us still loved each other lingering. An echo of something that I think was wonderful, but has been gone so long it's only a bruise that aches. Deep purple and discolored.

And now, as if the memories were not bad enough, I dream of him. Of places I've never been and sights I've never seen. Tonight we were in some dry place, the heat unrelenting as we hiked up a steep winding path. He wore a hat, the kind with a loose strap that goes under the chin. I could see the streaks of sunscreen on his cheeks when he turned to look at me. He stops to carefully read signs about the local fauna on the way, nose scrunched up a bit as he focuses. Carefully reading each word refusing to skim. He nags me a bit about drinking more water and I'm taken by the way his sweaty shirt clings to his shoulders and pulls around his biceps. When we get to the top we look out on some grand view and I pretend that the only thing I'm marveling at isn't his satisfied smile.

0323

He's really going to die isn't he? Not today. Not this year I don't think, probably not even next. But soon. Meaningless as that word is. I never thought I'd use the word soon for something years away. But when you talk about the end of a life, it all feels like it's happening both in a blink of an eye and in excruciating slow motion.

I've known he was going to die. Of course I have. It's impossible not to. I knew something was wrong before Alexei or Polina would entertain the idea. Knowing is not always enough. I knew it in the way you know that it rains a lot somewhere. There is a difference between the abstract idea and standing in the downpour. To me he's always been more statue than man. More the representation of an ideal than flesh and blood. More general than father.

I didn't realize it was possible for symbols to die.

0323-OTT

Tonight was worse. He was home with me. Moscow. Not Boston. I was taken even as I dreamed by the impossibility of it. I would never bring him there. I'd never look at him within the borders of my home. But in my dream, reality didn't matter. I dragged him through my usual haunts. Had him pressed up against me in the best clubs me and Sveta go to in the summer. Kissed him open mouthed in an ally where we used to get drunk as teenagers. Desperate not to go home, leaning against dumpsters and laughing into bottles of shitty liquor. I had him there, laying over real memories. My hands under his shirt, his eyes bright and swaying because he's a little tipsy. Then suddenly we are in the park in the morning. Sun rising, the sky beginning to be set aflame. Same clothes like we never went home. I brought him to the park bench were I sat with mama and we watch my home face a new day together.

When I woke up and realized I was in my own bed, in Boston, safe and sound and alone. I don't know what to do with this. This is not a grief that tastes familiar. How can I lose something I've never had? That I never could?

0323

I thought these fucking dreams had stopped? I thought I'd gotten over whatever weird physiological torment was being thrust upon me. Punishment for every time I've been careless with that which is precious.

What do I have to do to dream of nothing? Or something normal. I'd take anything except for this. Give me adolescent memories that send hot embarrassment down my spine. I long to dream of the ridiculous. Of finding myself on the ice game seven of the final, no pants on. What spell do I have to cast? What ritual must I enact to find a little peace? Because I'll do it. Whatever I have to. Bury these journals under a 100 year old oak. Dance naked under the full moon. Whatever. Just let me sleep.

0323-ANA

Talked to father again. Nothing changed. Not better or worse. It's funny, sometimes it's easy to trick yourself that it'll be like this forever. That his disease has taken all it's going to. Then suddenly it will occur to you how different last year was. Or the year before that.

For some reason I always assumed I'd die before him. It was never a specific thought I had. An assumption I guess. I know it doesn't make sense. Half a century of his life had already passed when I was born. He is not dying some young tragedy.

But still. The idea that he will die and at some moment I will take a breath in a world where he doesn't feels unbelievable. It feels impossible. Like not casting a shadow on a sunny day.

0323-BUF

I dreamed of him again. I think this might just be my life now. They are uncontrollable. They make me want to stay awake staring at the ceiling. To push myself past the normal boundary exhaustion sets so that I might have a chance at sleeping dreamless.

We weren't somewhere I knew. We almost never are. It was night. We laid on wet grass the back of our clothes getting damp while looking up at the sky. No pollution or city lights blocking our view, no ambient noise but the sounds of insects.

The wilderness maybe. Far away from anything, we were alone. Our arms pressed together. The one I wasn't gesturing with slipped into the comfortable heat of his hand.

I told him the stories of the constellations like my mother used to over her star maps. Loud and grand. Spoken with confidence like they are legitimate historical record and not legends. As though they weren't really just the ancients' calendar and stories to help sailors navigate the seas. They are just the preservation of myths. Folklore. People pressing an explanation for the things they do not understand into the random patterns of stars above. I can't blame them for searching for an answer. For looking for something concrete to believe in. To say look the stars themselves believe this too. I'm awake 49 minutes before my alarm and I've never understood the urge more.

Is there a story out there that could possibly explain him?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily #Lily dreams of Jane #the dream journals are back #ouch #so we are just not going to talk about the car thing #what I expected but still #lily's dads terminal illness #and the way it's everybody else's problem #might be easier to have some empathy if he wasn't such an #asshole

Notes 1549

Thosetwogayhobbits

Lily: I'm dreaming of Jane again after months of not doing so. I wonder why

Lily's father who he has just fully emotionally accepted is dying: yeah that's so weird. no explanation for that.

Onyourleftagain 🔁

Lilys brother who he craves a close familial relationship with despite how he's hurt him in the past: whatever send more money thanks!

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

I'm all for the bit but we all know he isn't saying thank you

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lilys dad #what an asshole #big mystery why you're dreaming again bud #it couldn't have anything to do with your desire for love and affection could it?

Notes 568

Dying House Plant @watermeplease

Oh we are so back. the dream journals are SO BACK.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed
Replying to @watermeplease

How is lily going to manage to traumatize me with his sweet dreams this time.

An Exemplarily Vegetable @helpimobessed
Replying to @watermeplease

Oh Okay. LIKE THAT. HE'S GOING TO DO IT LIKE THAT.

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

Listen I know that we have like a lot of things to discuss here with the latest update but I have to ask. Is Jane like…a dork?

Dontphonehome🔁

Imagine someone saying "When we get to the top we look out on some grand view and I pretend that the only thing I'm marveling at isn't his satisfied smile." And you turn to look at the man he's talking about and that mother fucker is wearing this 

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

This is his dream fantasy. He wants that little nerd so fucking bad

9'sleatherjacket🔁

I can't believe my man is having prolonged intense romantic dreams over a guy he truly believes would read the entire informative signs on a hike I can't even.

faethinfigueroth🔁

Jane seriously must be the hottest man alive. It's the only thing that makes sense

raisedfromperdition🔁

You guys don't get it. Dorks are where it's at! Dorks fuck nasty I promise. Dorks help you file your taxes and then do the craziest thing with their mouth you've ever experienced.

theskullonthemantel🔁

:)

raisedfromperdition🔁

Oh awkward. I wasn't taking about you!

theskullonthemantel🔁

Oh really? Just for that I'm so not picking up Sandra's cake for the party tomorrow. Good luck getting there in time. It's really too bad. She's such a nice lady. It's shame her daughters a dick. It's okay though I'll make it up to her next week at book club.

raisedfromperdition🔁

I don't know what fucking spell you cast on my mom to get her to like you. She usually is such a good judge of character.

Jane'smoancatalog 🔁

mom? MOM!???

Silent_onthehill🔁

she's met the fucking parents. Your offline for two weeks and she's met the parents.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Jane's a dork confirmed #hot dorks #there's nothing like them #wait #MOM #the lesbians are dropping lore again #did we decide on #pauter?

Notes 534

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Apr. 4 2019

0323-CAR

When some archeologist digs up these journals in a thousand years I know they will find them in perfect condition. Just my luck that the spell I'll murmur in pleading desperation will probably only serve to preserve them just as they are. Untouched by time. My fault probably for speaking a language I do not know and expecting it to purge him from my mind. Protect me from the subconscious longings of things I don't even want. The things that even if I did I could never be allowed to covet.

When they manage to translate them from my long dead mother tongue I know what they will say about them. Underneath their display where they are laid out for museum goers to stare at my self admitted weakness there will be a plaque. It will say something simple. To the point. Something that in one sentence captures all of me.

Here lies the ramblings of the most pathetic fool who ever lived.

0323

They suggested I could take something when I begrudgingly told them I couldn't sleep. Got them prescribed and delivered. A little bottle with my name in English. All these years later and it still feels wrong to look at it. Uglier somehow. I don't know.

I thought I wanted them. When he had mentioned it. I thought it was a miracle almost. Better than a witch's spell.

Looking at the bottle now I feel fate breathing in my ear. Or is it faith? I'm not sure I know the difference anymore. She bites at my earlobe, I can feel her smile against my neck.

I shouldn't have these. This was a bad idea. I'll manage. If I dream or not it doesn't matter. If I say it means nothing it means nothing at all.

0423

God I love Sveta's birthday. Couldn't even enjoy it properly last year. The thick cloud of shame and failure hadn't risen and I'm nothing if not self obsessed. This year I've done it right. Set up a gauntlet of her favorite places. Pulling her through them at the perfect pace. As soon as the night began to wane just a little it was off to the next. New place different people, all the ones she likes placed strategically through the night. The rest of the rooms filled with strangers, or people almost strangers. Invites sent because they have a rare and singular ability. They know how to have a good fucking time.

It was the perfect kind of night. I know it's a bad look for me to say so but it was. We ended the night, or morning really I guess back here. It might be my house but it's always felt like hers too. She fits in it like she fits into my life. Necessary for function. A part of its foundation.

I'd offered to invite our gaggle of tolerable hanger ons back too but she said no. So it's just been us. Drunk and laughing with our shoes off. It felt like when we were kids. And just like when we were 14, she's asleep first. Still in her party dress, she'll be so mad I let her fall asleep in her makeup. I'm resisting the urge to draw something juvenile on her face.

It's her birthday so I won't. I'm resisting but it's a near thing.

It really was a perfect night. The kind you remember forever. I think I have the tendency to see only the bad parts. To rewind and dissect them forever. And maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll be confronted by my miserable existence again. But for now all I can think is that I hope I see so many more of her birthdays. The crazy ones as we finish out our twenties. Though I'm sure even I'll have trouble topping this one next year. The lazier ones as we get older. No longer interested in the hangovers. The ones where she starts bitching about everyone saying her age too much even though I can tell it's all for show. The ones where we argue loudly about nothing wine drunk on the couch, our husbands in the next room commiserating over how fast we speak.

Maybe I'll get them or maybe I won't. It's a bit unsettling to feel unsure. But tonight, right now, it's nice to want them.

0523

I think you might have it. I know I'm supposed to want it for myself but I can see the look in your eyes. Even through the screen I can feel the heat of your determination. You have it. That magic something. Fire burning in your gut.. the circumstances lining up just so. All the details like dominoes all there for you. All you have to do is push over the first one.

I won't tell you of course. How embarrassing for me if I did. But I wanted record somewhere that I knew. I'm usually no good with these kinds of predictions. I leave that kind of witchcraft to Sveta. I think I only know because it's you.

0624

Twenty four. That's how old mama was when I was born. I thought it might feel different. Or I would be different. I'm not sure. But in the end it's all the same. Time passes, seasons change, and I am just the same.

0624

How do I explain the pride I feel right now? A swelling in my chest. Like something inside me has expanded. Some warm pleased beast has tucked itself in around my breastbone, its hot breath warming something inside me that has always been frozen. Embers flying from its nostrils as it dozes, cracking one eye as I shift. It watches you with me in the darkness. Alone on my couch I knew you'd do it. I just did. I felt it. In the wind. Carrying the message all the way from Montreal. A whisper I heard, confirmation of what I already knew. I had to watch it alone, I knew I wouldn't be able to hide the pride on my face.

I know I have no right to be proud of you. Like it has anything at all to do with me. You don't belong to me. I'm a tangential thing, existing on the outskirts of your life. Something that lurks on the borders of the forest you'll never enter. A beast with glowing eyes, a warning to stay away from me or risk ruin. The village children tremble when their parents tell stories of me, vowing to never enter my cursed territory. You get closer than all the others. Sit just at the border. The flowers that suddenly die at my treeline bend in the wind brushing against your legs. I watch you, desperate to look. To get as close as I can without harming you. I want you to come inside, and I hope you never do.

Still, though the beast be wicked and selfish, he's proud of you. He can't help but be.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily #i hope you tossed those pills Lily #not a good idea to have those I think #club girl fate returns #sveta #svetas birthday bash #he wants to live folks #thank god #i was really worried for him #the overwhelming urge to say "my boys" even though I don't know either of these guys names

Notes 1671

theskullonthemantel

"Half a century of his life had already passed when I was born"

"Twenty four. That's how old mama was when I was born"

snakesnakesnake🔁

Oh Ew. EW EW.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Do I need to mention that lily has an OLDER BROTHER.

teamkillLily'sdad🔁

Oh Gross. Like I need another reason to want lily's dad dead.

tryingnottoblink🔁

We know from lily's entries too that he was a very cruel person. Like if you are going to be a creepy old man married to a young woman at least you could be NICE to her.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #lilys mom #if it wasn't making Lily's life so hard I'd be glad you #are dying #lilys dad is a gross old man

Notes 456

Go for the Jill @stillofftheclock

What's that noise? Just the sound of a cosmic shift as all the girlies put a lily quote in their bio.

Still suffering @3612always
Replying to @stillofftheclock

You know, Lily has so many quotable moments but I just KNOW "Still, though the beast be wicked and selfish, he's proud of you. He can't help but be" - Anon is going to be everywhere in like two years. I can feel it in my bones.

r/russiandiaries

u/lovemesome_lilyjane

Discussion: What is with Lily's fixation with his diaries being read?

This is the second time he's mentioned it. This time he imagined them being studied as some historical relic instead of being sold for consumers. Why do you think he is so hung up on that idea?

⬆️75⬇️16💬35

Xreme4Xsquad18

I have no idea but I do know its spawned my favorite lily line so far. I don't think it can be beat.

dead-gel-pen86

Here lies the ramblings of the most pathetic fool who ever lived is so good. I'm engraving it on a fake headstone for my yard.

NO_RED_LIGHTS

Halloween ideas already? Its only April.

dead-gel-pen86

No. It'll go up as soon as I'm done with it. It's only too early in the year if you have an HOA.

imhavingabadtime_0158

Engraving? Do you make actual stone graves for your yard?

northstar_dick

Post pictures when you're done!!

Onlythree_lemons

What I find more interesting than his fascination with people reading his diaries is that he thinks people would hate them. Will hate him because of them. Would rip them apart and criticize him for their content. He thinks if some future civilization found them in perfect condition instead of thinking about how precious of a historic record they are they would think he was weak and pathetic.

northstar_dick

Oh I wonder where that assumption came from. Certainly not his father who routinely does that to him?

onfathersshelf

It's interesting because we ARE reading his journals. And no one here thinks lily is worthy of the damnation he seems to think he is.

Confused_Pears

No one worth listening to anyways

HollanovTruther_42

He's convinced if people saw the raw unfiltered parts of himself they will hate him for it. This just ties into his pretty clear problem with viewing himself as unlovable.

My-appleslices

It's the author trying to tell us that these aren't real. It's the second mention. They are trying to drive the point home. I thought we already had been over this.

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

"…our husbands in the next room commiserating over how fast we speak." I see what happened there sir. You can't hide that from me. Bisexual man says husband. Got someone specific in mind Lily?

raisedfromperdition🔁

There is no way he wasn't drunk off his ass here right.

theskullonthemantel🔁

He didn't even deny it in his next entry. He probably doesn't even realize it's in there.

raisedfromperdition🔁

My man is so far into denial he forgets that he referred to his fuck buddy as his future husband.

Thosetwogayhobbits 🔁

I don't think they're friends. It's rival with benefits

snakesnakesnake🔁

We do not know that he was thinking about Jane when he wrote that. Maybe he's just more attracted to men and figures he'll probably end up marrying one?

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

be so for real. Who the fuck else would he be talking about. He also almost exclusively sleeps with women except for Jane and like two other random dudes. So like I doubt your theory on that front as well.

Janesfancytoothpaste🔁

And here I was just excited for Lily and Sveta Club Rat confirmation all of this so went over my head.

readyforit🔁

You needed confirmation for that?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lily #lilys husband slip #like a freudian slip #but I don't have to think about Freud #lilys so gone for him #pauter getting along? #lily club rat confirmed

 Notes 767

Chapter End Notes

You might have noticed I started this chapter with dates. I’ve decided to start every chapter going forward this way. I think the timeline stuff with the diary entries and the socmed is just too confusing without it. I plan to add it to previous chapters too but it’ll be a minute. Work has been killing me lately and all my spare minutes have been spent trying to write (I’m so behind on my writing schedule you don’t even know. Thank GOD for banked chapters) or staring at the ceiling pretending I’m not a person. Thankfully my coworker is coming back from maternity leave soon so that should more or less solve the issue. Like girl I know you’re busy bonding with your cute baby and all but I don’t want to be you anymore. People keep on asking me things! What do I gotta do to pretend I’m not writing my fanfic on my phone in peace!
Anyway. As always the biggest thank you to CherSandles for being my beta. They do such a fantastic job. Seriously the things they catch are so impressive! I could say it every post for the rest of this fic and it wouldn’t be enough. I’d probably have never gotten this far without their help.
While writing this chapter I tried to figure out if we have an actual cannon age for Irina and came up with nothing so head cannon it is! I have my reasons for choosing 24. You’ll probably get to read about it in chapter 19 or 20. If I can scrap together enough time to actually write them.
Thank you so much for reading!!!!

Chapter 16: 4.09.2019-4.15.2019

Chapter Notes

r/russiandiaries

u/stopimaginingmydragons

So are we ready to talk about the Rozanov similarities?

I know the people here are really against the idea that the journals could belong to him but come on people. At this point the similarities are undeniable.

⬆️56⬇️61💬51

Onlythree_lemons

except maybe that the journals had been in storage for ten years. So unless Rozanov was writing about his tragic gay love affair when he was like eight I don't think they belong to him similarities or otherwise.

Stopimaginingmydragons-OP

Did we ever actually get confirmation about how long they were in storage for? weren't they found at an upscale moving place? Rozanov just moved to Ottawa last summer. Is that really another coincidence?

Pointlessly_lollygagging

Do you think that a high end moving company is only going to hold on to something for at the most like two months before they just randomly give it away to one of their temporary employees?? I mean come on. They are not doing that.

Getoffmy_balcony

If they were actually professionals they wouldn't have given them away AT ALL. no matter how long they had been there.

Cents_Not_Centsible

I don't have a problem with the idea of Lily being Rozanov in general. I think my problem comes from the insistence that it must be him. Frankly we have no idea who these belong to. And I do think it's a lot different to speculate about a couple of guys who have either been dead or retired for a decade than a guy who is you know... currently playing for the MLH and is a Russian citizen.

Stopimaginingmydragons-OP

Do you hear yourself right now. I don't have a dog in this fight either way but it doesn't make it better to speculate about them just because they aren't active. Like we can all agree these are kind of ethically ambiguous if they are really someone's diary and not fictional?

Cents_Not_Centsible

You are not fighting in these comments like someone who doesn't have a dog in this fight.

Domestic-dreaming

I have been thinking about this too. Like Lily wins the cup and then the next year Jane does. Sound familiar to anyone.

Hollygetshattricks

We don't know Lily won the cup. We don't know that jane did either. We don't have any definite answer for what he was talking about there. He speaks so generally about events. All the focus is on how he feels about what happened. The catalyst for the entries is more or less unimportant.

Stopimaginingmydragons-OP

What else could it possibly be??

Hollygetshattricks

Literally anything. What part of we don't know anything are you not getting.

onfathersshelf

We've been over this. The diaries aren't about a real person. They are fictional. Either written by shappo and whoever is 'translating' them or by some creative Russian writer who lost them like ten years ago. I personally have my money on the latter.

Stopimaginingmydragons-OP

That still doesn't explain the Rozanov similarities though. Are we supposed to believe that this anonymous random writer predicted some of the biggest moments of Hollander and Rozanov's careers?

onfathersshelf

Predicted? We don't even know what really happened. There are no predictions. Just that Lily was proud of something Jane did.

myfruits_gonebad

Every day I'm more convinced that this is the most elaborate hollanov fanfic to ever be written. We are witnessing internet history in the making folks. In ten years you are going to be able to tell the children that you were here at the start.

northstar_dick

I would be with you but shappo's account is 8 years old. No posts or comments related to hollanov. Nothing even related to hockey at all. In fact in the very rare occasions that she's interacted with us on here (she seems pretty offline tbh) it's clear she knows next to nothing about the sport. Same thing with the tumblr. Not a single hockey related post until the diaries. And it seems like she was pretty active on there a few years ago. Someone who writes this kind of work is going to be engaged in other parts of the fandom right?

roses4_rosie

Every time I think I have a handle on these things I get more confused

youhavemypensword

I have to ask where this idea that the diaries are old even came from? No matter how much I look I have no idea what you people are talking about.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

Shappo mentioned it in the original Reddit post where she was searching for someone to translate them. This is a bit lost media at this point because the post has been deleted. I think it technically violated the rules of that sub? Or maybe one of the mods just didn't like it idk? I have the first entries that were posted there in the doc where I keep a copy of all the entries but I don't actually have the full post.

youhavemypensword

First entries???

dreamingof_jane

There are more entries. And no one told me!!!

burning_flame587

Oh my god we really are losing the ancient texts

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

I got you. Check your messages for a link to my doc.

youhavemypensword

Oh my GOD. Calling out his teammate for crying as he jerks off??? Lily I'm SO OBSESSED WITH YOU.

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

He was snooping. Deserved honestly.

In_abox20

What do you mean are we ready to talk about it? This is the fifth post in the last week talking about this. You posted about it already like two days ago op. What did you not get the traction you wanted?

Confused_Pears

I am so exhausted by this conversation. Like can we all just stop talking about who we think they are and enjoy the work PLEASE

Onlythree_lemons

The usual hollanovs are too quiet. They are up to something. I feel it in my bones.

Cents_Not_Centsible

They sow mistrust and wait for dissent among the ranks

AllStar_helmetkiss

:)

Onlythree_lemons

Hey come back here. What does that mean???

Cents_Not_Centsible

Now I know they are messing with me but here I am falling for it anyway

America'snexttoptorturechamber

iknowthisaboutmyself

Apr. 10 2019

0924

Sometimes I'm stricken with how much can change in such a short time. It feels so long as you live it. The monotony of a busy exciting life. Flights and buses and practice. The grueling desire to achieve. Throwing fuel on a white hot fire, your own body the gasoline for ambition. And then Nothing. Either you are the one who reaches the peak or you fall back down the slope. All other failures in a line down the mountain where they had fallen. All of them collecting themselves, brushing the dust off their shoulders. 'Next season' an echo spoken from everyone's lips. The fire stoked down to embers for the summer. A page closed sharply and permanently. Another season over and then another and then another. Then you look back at a book you didn't even realize you had written.

This flight is a far cry from the first time I flew to North America, shoulder to shoulder with my teammates. So close I could smell his nasty fucking breath every time he shifted even a little towards me. I'll never know why I started to write on that flight to begin with. What possessed me? I wasn't careful. Not really. I'm never as careful as I should be. Why am I writing now? Could I not wait? Bought this one in the airport. A whim. Saw it sitting on some shelf. Caught a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye and before I knew it it was in my hand. I don't even think it is very nice. None of them so far have been. Impulse purchases, or something I came across in my desperation.

One day maybe I'll buy a proper one. Leather bound and expensive. Thick paper, it'll feel right in my hand. A strap that goes around the pages and tucks into a buckle at the front.

0924

This layover has become my metamorphosis. The second flight between one home and the next a boundary of sorts. The difference between who I am here and there shed like I'm emerging from a cocoon. A beautiful fucking butterfly getting a bit drunk in first class. Am I more myself where I'm going to or where I'm coming from? Do I crawl into the cocoon when I leave my old home or when I arrive in my new one?

The separation of these two versions of me grows more distinct every time I return. The chasm between them widens as the earth shifts. Tectonic plates like two magnets, the two halves of me just similar enough that they jerk and retch away from each other. The dark rift in between terrifying and impassable.

Except here. Here I'm neither of them. The cliffside shifts, more ground falls into the darkness below and I float in between. Looking at these two versions of me. Each standing at the edge staring at each other but looking straight through me. I'm just the thing they pass between them. My only clarity of mind here in transit.

Which one of them am I really? The Russian perfectly adapted to America? Fitting in just perfect in Boston? A betrayal to my peoples' values? Abandoning my family to chase American prizes? The ideal case study in over indulgence? Beautiful women on my arm. More money than I know what to do with. Flashy car. Two flashy cars. A few more on top of that for the fun of it. Just because I can. My scowl on a trading card. A shitty overly glossy advert for sportswear in a magazine.

Am I him? Or am I the son who returns every summer? Clubs and women at night sure. But the day brings meds for father sorted into little dividers. Morning and evening every day of the week. Letting all he says roll off of me like water. The good things I know aren't real, the bad things that are. Collect it all and set it in a drawer I won't open. Fetch his water glass instead hoping he doesn't put up a fight when I ask him to swallow what's resting in my palm. Using my gentlest voice when he gets confused. Pitched low and quiet in my chest. Even and steady. The kind of voice he never used with me.

Which one am I? Both? Neither? Will I ever know?

1024-COL

There is something about getting punched in the face. The sharp pain of it. Knowing that someone else started it but you drove him there. Guiding them down the neat little path. Knowing that they are all acutely aware of what you're doing but no one is able to resist in the end. Not when I put my mind to it.

I think I like the taste of blood in my mouth, the way it must stain my teeth. Red clinging to my gum line as I smile. Blood like the bolded lines of an illustration between my teeth. Each one separate and distinct. It's dripping off the point of my canines.

I have to wonder is there anything worse than a beast who laughs when you strike him? Who licks the edges of his teeth as they go from human blunted to that of a predator? Who finds glee in pain? I wouldn't know. I'm too busy with my head tilted back. Laughter in my chest, my whole body shaking with it.

1024-COL

I think I'm good at it. At drawing out the thing that will piss them off the most, inciting the kind of anger that runs hot. An itch under the skin. They all think I'm a naturally gifted asshole. For a long time I thought they were right.

Am I only good at seeing their sensitive spots because I've seen all my own? I know where to press on others because I've seen every lever within my own body. Every tick and shift of my own internal clocks. The interworking of my own mechanisms? Bloody blueprints laid out like maps. Father's neat handwriting in the margin, the parts of me that need improvement circled. Ink from his pen runs blood red.

I've seen how I've grown over my own scar tissue. Mechanical merged with organic where I'm hollowed out. He may no longer be capable but the lessons stayed. Every time he drew me out from my carefully concealed sanctuaries I was watching him. Studying him even as I fell for every lure, the hook swallowed completely without thought and dug into the soft flesh of my throat. With every pointed question a trap was laid, I understood the pattern in the aftermath. Never enough to stop it. Just enough to see how I'd come to lay beneath his knife post operation.

He's no longer as precise as when he was at his best, the height of his career long over. Now his old sharpness is dulled. He sets off his bombs in empty rooms and only really injures himself. I watch from outside his blast radius, his water glass in one hand and his evening meds in the other.

Am I like him? Throwing traps in their path, noting which ones snag at the hems of their pants and which ones they step over absentmindedly? Building my Rolodex of what bothers them. Watching for when their eyes flick. The twitch in the eyebrows. The way a jaw tightens around a mouthguard. Am I just some copycat? His methods diffused and redistributed. Redesigned for general use but still effective. Stripped of all his artistic finesse. I've never tried to be cruel. Not in the way father is. I've always aimed more for the realm of annoying. A pest. A roach you wish you could squash under your boot but it just won't die as much as you stomp.

But does it matter my intention or how I use it when I carry my father's blade? Have I taken up his mantel without realizing? All his talk of legacy, all my fear of becoming him pointless. Have I been fighting a battle I already lost. Have I already taken up his shape?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #air travel #metamorphosis #identity crisis #First class nice #Lilys dad #the deep seeded dread that you might become like your parents. #I promise intent does in fact matter #I don't know shit about hockey but isn't getting under your opponents skin like part of it?? #IDK #don't look at me like that #I refuse to learn about any sports #it's the principle of it

Notes 1598

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

New journal??? Bought in the airport??? Excuse me what? Since when???

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

Oh my god yeah Sorry!!! This is the start of the next journal! 3 out of 4!! I totally forgot to mention it! And before you ask no he didn't get to the end of the last one either.

snakesnakesnake🔁

He is just like me for real

Lilytheweatherman🔁

I just KNOW Lily would fuck up the stationary section of a Barnes and noble.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

No Wait before you disappear again I have more questions!

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Do you have anything other than the journals from Lily?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Do you think these are actually real journals or some Weird creative project that got lost?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Was the last journal beat up because he was traveling with it??

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

What hotel was it branded with???

tryingnottoblink🔁

Now you know you're never going to get answers to any of those questions. But I appreciate the hustle.

theskullonthemantel🔁

And she's gone again. I would blame you for scaring her off but we all know she evaporates into the wind after the new entries are posted.

raisedfromperdition🔁

This fandom is cursed with the most offline figurehead ever.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #new journal who this #Oh my god hi? #I have so many questions #wait come back #our pragmatic leader here one minute gone the next #truly the only one among us that has a life

Notes 1008

Kathy @lilys_bitch_kathy

"What if I meet Lily and he wants it" I say as I purchase another journal that I won't ever write in because it's "too nice"

Fancy soap collector @lushluver
Replying to @lilys_bitch_kathy

Oh good another excuse to buy journals I won't use but will keep on a shelf like it's my dragons hoard.

My low HDL @justtoodamnbad
Replying to @lilys_bitch_kathy

Brb gonna hand make a leather bound journal and leave it on that one hockey guys grave like an offering.

Still suffering @3612always
Replying to @justtoodamnbad

That one hockey guy????? Nikolai Rybnikov is that one hockey guy???

Janehashisheart

So not to be a bitch but do the two versions of himself Lily describes just sound like… the same guy to anyone else?

Silent_onthehill🔁

Lilysmusicbox🔁

I smell the overuse of compartmentalization to avoid processing the emotional realities of his life

Dontphonehome🔁

Alright dr Phil calm down.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

But Home Lily and Russia Lily don't really seem like the Lily we know from the diary either. He's broken himself up to such basic components. Only willing to look at part of the picture. Looking at himself under a magnifying glass and he thinks that one detail is all of him.

Lilysmusicbox🔁

And that detail is oh my god am I like my dad

Kisskisslily'sinlove

so he's 24 and going through an identity crisis? Been fucking there.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Russia Lily #America Lily #bro it's just lily #It's the same picture #Compartmentalization #Lily is unhinged so every armchair psychologist comes out of the woodwork. #Daddy issues

Notes 706

raisedfromperdition🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Apr. 14 2019

1024-WPG

He fucking chirped me! Nothing serious, just a playful line waiting for me. His message a sly little thing. Barely anything at all.

But for him? It's basically brazen. Five minutes for unsportsmanlike behavior. I teased him back of course. The loss wasn't even bad. It was close. Tied through overtime and lost in the shootout. Not the kind of defeat that stings. The kind that squirms underneath your skin like a parasite. And even if it had been I wouldn't care.

He watched.

To know to tease me he must have been watching. It wasn't an important game. Wasn't talked about. Early in the season no stakes really. Away game. Not something he should have cared about.

But he was watching. Live. In some hotel for his own games. Was it on while he sat at the bar with his own teammates? Watching out of the corner of his eye barely following conversations like I do for his? Game on silent the captions at the bottom of the screen. No, he wouldn't be there. In bed then. His hotel room. The game on the tv while he reads some fucking boring book before bed. Did he sit there against the headboard, blanket over his legs, pretending to read but watching instead? Did he turn the volume up from the low murmur when I scored? Started out as background noise but suddenly the book lays abandoned in his hand. He's been pretending to read the same sentence for the last five minutes.

I can see him there in my mind. I'll probably dream tonight that I'm beside him there. Pulling the book from his hand and complaining about how bright the bedside lamp is as he laughs at me. Hand in my hair as he jokingly scolds me. For once I don't care about what dream will haunt me. I just want to know. Is he always watching like I am? Does he wonder like I do. Does he watch me through screens and think about me. About what my life is like? What I'm eating for dinner and where I'm going as I text him. Where I like to run when I'm home. How far I go. The pace of my steps through a city he doesn't know.

Does he ever, even if only sometimes, dream of me?

1024-MTL

He makes me crazy. Checking him into the boards, a couple hours later I have him pressed into his mattress. Every moment of our game contrasted to what comes after. His mouth pinched in focus, determined to beat me and in a blink he's underneath me. Head tilted back in a moan, lips pink and kiss bruised. His pissed off scowl after I score and then his teeth on my shoulder, a last ditch effort to stay quiet before he gives in. It doesn't work, he can't seem to help himself when he's with me. I'll take every mark from his mouth as the victories they are. His teeth marks two halves of a full moon pressed into my skin like a championship trophy. I want to be bruised where he grips me way too tight. I may not get to take him with me but I can keep those. I delete his messages. I wash the smell of him off me until there is nothing left, my skin red from the heat. I act like he's anything other than what he is. Pretending he doesn't matter while I press my fingers into the bruises he left. The discomfort the only proof that lingers. When that's gone, tonight will be just another thing that exists only in my memory.

Until even that goes too.

1024-NJ

Those fucking idiots. I'm going to kill them. No really I am. This is my confession. I hope the police find this. Arrest me please so I don't have to deal with these stupid children. No trial, I don't need a deal for my cooperation. At least in prison I won't have to deal with them anymore. I couldn't possibly have been this stupid when I was a rookie. It's just not possible.

1124

Fuck. God fucking dammit. God of fucking course. Why would I ever catch a break?

1124

This is never going to get better. It'll be one thing and then another and then another and then he'll be dead. That's it. The end. No reprieve until we dig the grave.

1124

Do I believe in god or do I like the idea of worship? The ache in the knees as you pray, kneeling down on cold tiles. Ceiling above painted something beautiful. I don't even look, no one does. Everyone here has their eyes cast to the ground or screwed tightly closed. Unable to face their own desperation. Pleading for hours, days maybe. Hoping devotion breaks through the static noise of millions of prayers. Some pleading just as they are, some desperate, some monotone, some bored at the end of a service.

Maybe it's not the worship that draws me in. Do I just wish to find myself devoted? Dedicated beyond what is sane or normal? Please just let me give myself over to something bigger than myself. Something worthy. Deserving. Infallible. Something that might not care for me but won't turn to me with venom flooding his mouth like saliva. His fangs in my bowed neck. He doesn't need to love me as long as he doesn't hate me. I can take indifference if it ever comes to that. The cold calculation. I can be of use. It's okay, you can't ask the sun itself to look at you. To care about which plants grow because he shines. He can't nurture every tree that reaches up trying to meet him.

Please, just let me belong to the sun, to the moon, to the stars. To the undeniable pull of his gravity. Throw me unceremoniously into his orbit so I might stare at the center of the universe. Give the ownership of me to the rivers that run through my cities, to the way I see his eyes in the still reflection of puddles after it rains. Let me belong to him even if he can't ever belong to me.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #the glee of knowing your crush watched your game #followed by the crushing realization that you are desperate to be in bed with him #Religion #Prayer #when a man is so beautiful you want to pray to him #Crushing so hard you start thinking of him as the sun

Notes 1791

Thosetwogayhobbits

Jane: throws out one mild insult once.

Lily: I've never been so turned on and delighted in my life

Onyourleftagain🔁

He's not special for this. Every lesbian I know likes it when their crush is mean to them

theskullonthemantel🔁

He's practically appropriating our culture.

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

I mean at least he fully committed to being pathetic for the person he's into.

Takelilytochurch🔁

You were watching my game?? Do you think about me sometimes? Are you in bed? What if I was there with you? Do you read at night? Are you in love with me???

myfavoritejanes🔁

And then in true Lily fashion he drops a bomb on me so I can't even laugh at him anymore.

Paulandpeterfinallybanged🔁

Does he dream of Me??? Does he Dream of me????? Oh fuck off with that shit.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Jane #Lesbian culture #truly embarrassingly down bad #and I can't even pretend that I don't get it #been there sir #emotional damage #in the middle of when I'm trying to tease him #rude #Does he ever, even if only sometimes, dream of me? #OW

Notes 572

Still suffering @3612always

You know I love #lily and the #russiandiaries but "No reprieve until we dig the grave." is something I would have written in sharpie on my arm before going to sophomore English.

Go for the Jill @stillofftheclock
Replying to @3612always

Suddenly I feel…the need to cut my bangs with kitchen scissors

Kathy @lilys_bitch_kathy
Replying to @3612always

Very cheap black hair dye calls to me from the depths.

Sof @buttpucks
Replying to @3612always

the sudden urge to find my old piercing gun and give myself a nasty infection.

r/russiandiaries

u/Janecomegetyourman

Discussion: Does jane have feelings for lily?

Whether or not he'll admit it we know lily is in love with Jane. based on the information we have do you think Jane loves Lily?

⬆️89⬇️22💬71

Sour-green_apples

Now that is not a question I really want to think about.

Xreme4Xsquad18

I had always kind of assumed yes but you know what they say about that

Sour-green_apples

The alternative is maybe too sad to think about.

Hollygetshattricks

Are you posing sad questions on Reddit because you don't want to think about the sword/blacksmith thing anymore op?

Janecomegetyourman-OP

No

lovemesome_lilyjane

Since the diaries are in such a fixed perspective it's really hard to tell. The recent installment had some sections that made me think Lily was picking up something from him. "He doesn't need to love me as long as he doesn't hate me. I can take indifference if it ever comes to that". I know on the surface that looks like it disproves my point but catch the end. If it ever comes to that. Suggests indifference is not the current emotion he is reading from their interactions.

HollanovTruther_42

No matter what don't think we can trust Lily's interpretation of the situation. We can tell he's an unreliable narrator. He's prone to inconsistency and has the habit of jumping to the worst possible conclusions.

musthavebeenthe_wind

We know from some of Lily's entries about it that sleeping with Jane is a bad idea. Risky because of who they are but he just can't help it. Hypothetically it's also a big risk for Jane. Less so maybe because he's Canadian and not Russian but we are still talking about his career and reputation here. We are assuming they are both like 24 right? At this point he's grown up enough that if there wasn't something there he would have stopped sleeping with him. Right?

Strangerimindanger

I don't know man. I was still making the worst possible choice every single time at 24. In fact I still feel like I am most of the time.

northstar_dick

Has anyone considered Jane might be in just as much denial about his feelings for Lily as Lily is about his feelings for Jane?

Takecoveritsabathbomb

Tragic gay affair tongue twister say that ten times fast

HollanovTruther_42

I personally have no doubt that there are feelings on Jane's end but I do have to wonder if Jane struggles at all with his sexuality. Lily is remarkably well adjusted in this way. I mean it's kind of nuts. I don't see a shred of shame about his sleeping with men. It all comes from the fact that he has feelings for him. I kind of get the impression that he would be feeling similarly if he was in Love with anyone, the gender truly doesn't matter when you are deeply convinced you are unlovable. Would be kind of wild if Jane didn't have any problems in that regard considering the culture they find themselves in. Lily is very much the anomaly in that way I think.

musthavebeenthe_wind

Lily really is shameless when it comes to sexual desire. All his hang ups come from the idea that someone could love him.

HollanovTruther_42

It comes across that he's convinced if someone loves him that he must have tricked them into doing it.

Janesfreckle_constellations

How about we focus on getting Lily to admit the depths of his feelings and then we can worry about what Jane does or doesn't feel.

Onlyin_circles34

One thing at a time people

Janesfreckle_constellations

Exactly. God knows Mr. Hot and cold I'm obsessed with you but wont talk to you for months is making Jane's life hell.

Suddenly_acockroach

Jane also being crazy for him is the only explanation for why he has stuck around this long honestly.

Onlythree_lemons

I am at heart a romantic and like to think they both fell in love when they first met but I just have to hope Lily goes to therapy before they get together. In the latest entries he seemed desperate to transfer the ownership of himself. Hypothetically because his fathers illness has gotten significantly worse and he no longer feels like he resides in his possession. He unfortunately seems like the kind of guy that would lose himself in a relationship and that can be pretty dangerous for someone who struggles with the kind of thoughts we see him write about.

imhavingabadtime_0158

Lily is deeply afraid of belonging to only himself but also craves to be his own man.

dead-gel-pen86

So the classic paradox of being in your early 20s?

Chapter End Notes

When I wrote this chapter I kind of hated it. It gave me soooooo much trouble. And kind of kicked off this werid period I’m in where can’t seem to get enough time to keep up with my writing schedule. I like that schedule dammit. I’m sort of hoping that by posting it I might finally lift the curse hahahaha. I’m done doing fun things I planned months ago. What was I thinking when I did that?? I fear that was a different person who made those plans. I want to stay home thanks!!!
The biggest thank you to CherSandles for having beta’d this for me. I basically told them I was handing them a steaming pile of garbage and they still responded with very lovely and helpful commentary despite having a lot going on themselves.
Unfortunately there will not be a chapter next week. I’m in the editing phase for chapter 19 and 17-20 are feeling very narratively connected to me. I want to make sure I finish 20 before I post 17 so I can make tweaks if I need to. Also again, so behind on the writing schedule. Oh writing schedule how I long to return to you. The next chapter will be posted in the 18th I promise:)
This fic has reached 2k kudos. I can’t explain how insane that is. I seriously have no words for how I feel about it. Grateful doesn’t begin to cover it. Astounded comes close.
Thanks for reading!!!

Chapter 17: 4.20.2019-5.29.2019

Chapter Notes

Jasmine @makingbadchoices6

Accidentally fucked two twin brothers. Fucked their older sister on purpose. Proud of me yet dad?

Short Skirt @theairportbar
Replying to @makingbadchoices6

How do you accidentally fuck two twin brothers? fraternal or identical? it really makes a difference to me.

Sammy @wantasammi
replying to @makingbadchoices6

Only you could get yourself in that situation.

Dying House Plant @watermeplease
replying to @makingbadchoices6

Now This is a real lily

Bibblebitch

Chapter End Notes

I’m back and ready to earn that Irina haunts the narrative tag!! Bit of an early (or late night for me really) update but I finished editing ch. 21 like two hours ago and got too excited!!! Please let me know if any of the images look strange. Sadly I always seem to be formatting on mobile. It is a curse.
The way I title chapters is changing! Very inspired by the why thepolysyndetonaddictsupportgroup formats their titles in snapping birch. Which can I say god what a fantastic fic as I’m sure you all know. I plan to go back and update them all but I’m in the busiest time of year at my job so my time is a bit more limited. Unfortunately I have to spend my free time like googling bird facts. Which has nothing to do with later chapters of this fic 👀
Anyway as always the biggest thank you to CherSandles for being my beta. Sometimes they will say something so smart and I’m like… holy shit your brain?? You do realize this is being written by just like a silly goose right?
And lastly thank you to everyone who commented last chapter. If I didn’t respond to you I’m sorry. I got deeply overwhelmed by how kind and wonderful you were all being and found myself a bit incapable. But I saw them all and loved every one.

Chapter 18: 5.29.2019-6.05.2019

Chapter Notes

Flowersinabin

Guess I'll put this here because I don't know where else to. This is actually my favorite part of the last few entries. The only doodle I've found so far. Our boy is not an artist but that's okay! He has many other talents!!!

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

You have access to the journals?

raisedfromperdition🔁

Did you take this with a potato?

theskullonthemantel🔁

Is this….who I think it might be????

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

Do you think he googled 'how to draw a cartoon hockey net easy'?

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

You finally got on here!!! I've been begging for weeks. Veryyyyy creative name by the way. Not what I expected from you at all. Anyway next entries should be up in about ten minutes!!!

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

Next entries? But you just posted this morning?!??

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #new to tumblr #this thing on #I'm a bit computer illiterate #potato phone #Wait is this #oh my god it is #bad artist lily #NEW ENTRIES

Notes 167

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

May 29 2019

1224

I've never dreamed like this before. I guess before my subconscious never thought those kind of days needed preserving in the same way. Carefree summer days were fleeting even as I lived them. The familial warmth between mama, Alexei and I was never strong enough to survive the dead of winter. Me and Alexei's brotherly affection fading between one turn on the ice and the next. One second he was there to catch me before I could tumble, the next he relishes in my falling.

Now I dream of the bad days more than I do of good ones. Where is the justice in that? Has she not suffered enough? Must her anguish be preserved in me?

1224

If I asked him, would Alexei look for some home video? He'd demand payment for his services of course. He'd demand money for having answered the phone. For having breathed with me on the other line. He'd take the money, of course he would. But would he even bother to look? He might or he might not. Depends on how charitable he was feeling. It doesn't change my biggest question. Does one even exist? Would I believe him if he said he found nothing? If one exists would he destroy it because he knew I wanted it? I could look myself next summer, but would I survive not knowing until then?

1224-BUF

I know it's ridiculous. I know it won't help. It won't fix anything. But yet here I am, listening to another recording of Hamlet like it's some magic solution. Like this isn't the 30th one I've found. All different but none what I'm looking for. Some full cast with musical accompaniments. Sweeping orchestral arrangements and actors fully committed to the dramatics of theater even when only the audio is captured. Others voiced only by a single actor, resorting to desperate antics to define the difference between the cast. It's not the same. I know it never could be. She's not replaceable. I'm not delusional, I'm aware that I won't find her voice hidden in some recording of the play she loved the most. But if for once I could be lucky, maybe it could come close. Maybe if they said it in the right way, the right pacing, if they paused and breathed at the same time she always did it might all come back. Maybe it could mean I've not lost her voice forever, it's just locked away. Buried deep in my mind, a safe bound by some elaborate set of chains and locks. The key a set of sounds I'll find if I just keep looking.

I listened to the ones in Russian first. It felt like the obvious place to start. Watched the movie she made me see when I was eight. She didn't tell me it existed until we were sitting down on our couch to watch it. She grinned as she put it in, the only present I cared about on that birthday. I think she wanted to see the look of wonder on my face as I saw the things she read to me a hundred times come to life. I remember her laughing at my wide eyes. I'm glad I saw it again. Even if it wasn't right, it still made me ache for a home that no longer exists. I listen on a short plane ride to some amateur production. It was…very bad. How I even found it I don't know, but for one moment as Hamlet grieved for Ophelia, I thought I'd found it. But then nothing.

She never spoke it to me in English but I listened to them next anyway. Made my fucking head hurt trying to keep up with it even though I've probably heard the same fucking words a thousand times by now. So many more recordings. Little things sometimes have been right. The way Hamlet will pause to breathe. The laughter as Ophelia's grave is dug. The cadence of Hamlet's madness.

But nothing unlocks the chains. They stay bound around the precious memory of her voice, rusting from exposure to the elements. Nothing in Spanish, or Italian, or even fucking French has done it. I know the search is probably fruitless. I'm listening to recordings of a play I know every word to in languages I don't understand. I've known it was pointless when I started. But each time I find a new one I listen anyway. Professional or Amateur, tape or cd, quality or not it doesn't matter.

Because what if it's the one that gives her back to me?

1224

There is probably nothing. There is no point in asking. In putting myself through that conversation with Alexei. We were not really that kind of family. It was a lot more stoic brooding and tense terrified silences. The idea of father excitedly pointing a camera at us as we blew out birthday candles is laughable. Him the joyful cameraman behind a happy family video. The world would surely end if that ever existed. The balance of all living things disturbed. I don't think I've ever seen that man smile except in the way a predator does the second before they pounce.

Still though, something must exist. Some small soundbite. A video even if it's just a minute or two long. A sentence is all I need. Two words. A sigh. If I could just hear her one more time I would know her voice again. It would fill this cavern in me that echoes when I breathe. The memory would come back I'm sure of it. I promise I'll never forget it again.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Jane #complicated sibling relationship #When your asshole brother wouldn't even look for a #home video #if you paid him to. #say it with me #Fuck Alexei #Hamlet #Shakespeare #unreasonable attachments to full cast recordings #bilingual king

Notes 2123

America'snexttoptorturechamber

readyforit🔁

despite my name I was in fact not ready for it.

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

Six weeks of nothing and now this. Ma'am I can't handle this. It's too much.

Janesfancytoothpaste🔁

Give me a moment to breathe dammit

Dontphonehome🔁

Twenty four hours ago I was begging for an update. Now I feel like I got hit by the emotional equivalent of a freight train

 Lilysbookcollection🔁

We got monkey pawed I swear to god

Dontphonehome🔁

This is why it's better when these are spaced out.

iknowthisaboutmyself🔁

What happened to I'm languishing without my emotional support sad bi tragic Russian man? I'm providing. Or well flowers is providing. I am very dutifully typing up her notes and making sure she always has a cold Diet Pepsi.

Dontphonehome🔁

Holy shit you saw that????

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #That's enough #I Said that's enough #I can't take anymore of this #when you get what you ask for but it hurts you #Emotional support sad bi Tragic Russian man #OH MY GOD #YOU SAW #THE HUMILIATION

Notes 1296

R/russiandiaries

U/youhavemypensword

Discussion: what do you think is on Lily's bookshelf ?

We get a mention of him wanting Jane to see it at his house and make conclusions about him because of it. Now we've learned about some of the things he was exposed to when he was young. I'm wondering what people think is on that shelf.

⬆️45⬇️15💬28

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

To state the obvious every Shakespeare play is 100% there.

Cents_Not_Centsible

I don't think it's a full collection of them either. I fully imagine a section where each individual play has its own well worn copy.

Strangerimindanger

Do you think he got to keep any of his moms copies?

HollanovTruther_42

Probably not. He's given us a pretty clear list of all the things he has left of her. Making myself sad thinking about it because he deserves to have been able to keep everything of hers that he wanted but we know he wasn't allowed to. Her room was scrubbed of all the things that made it hers shortly after she died to make room for his father's new wife.

Hunters_slowwalkingbf

Mission: get Lily his moms copy of hamlet so I can stop being devastated.

Puck_Puck_goose

The fun part of this is it could LITERALLY be anything

HollanovTruther_42

There are some clues though! We know his mom introduced him to a lot of different genres. He also mentioned a while back getting a reference to war of the worlds so I think it's safe to say he likes science fiction. I mean that is like THE foundational science fiction book. I could be wrong but I think it pretty much invented the alien invasion trope. This may be me projecting but dune has GOT to be there. To me there is no way he doesn't have a copy of at least the first one if not the core six. If he hasn't read hitchhikers guide he really should. This is totally me projecting but I think he would really enjoy the whole series.

Lily-has-a-heart

Also me projecting but he seems like the type to like 'do androids dream of electric sheep' by Phillip dick. Though I'm not sure if there is a Russian translation to that. I know my man loves blade runner. I just know it.

Thatdog-thatababy

The mysteries mention is what I'm hung up on. Like does he like Agatha Christie? Sherlock Holmes stories? Does he prefer Murder mysteries or physiological thrillers. I would kill for a Lily book rec list

musthavebeenthe_wind

Give me five minutes with his collection. FIVE MINUTES!

lovemesome_lilyjane

In my head it's kind of a wild array of stuff. It's not a big jump to think his taste is probably very influenced by all the stuff his mother introduced him to. Which by her design seemed not to follow any pattern except that she was able to get her hands on it. What I am actually desperate to know is what poetry he has. Because I know he has a lot

undercaffinatedoverstimulated

I don't know if this is a false memory but I think in our lost original Reddit post shappo mentioned that in the box of journals there was a collection of Sylvia Plath with annotations.

lovemesome_lilyjane

If true 100% NOT SURPRISED by that.

Suddenly_acockroach

I love how this has basically turned into a rec list for Lily as if he is not 1. A fictional character created by an anonymous author or 2. A hockey player that has been dead for 10 years

HollanovTruther_42

Or 3. He's sitting in Ottawa right now adding these to his libby holds list

Cents_Not_Centsible

Do not start.

Onlythree_lemons

I don't know what's crazier. That you actually think Rozanov is Lily or the fact that you think he knows about all of this and is lurking among us right now

Hollygetshattricks

Or that they think Rozanov wouldn't just buy the books he wants? Man is in fact a millionaire.

raiderscup14

You think Ilya Rozanov reads?

NO_RED_LIGHTS

Die.

Energetic_Echo454 -MOD

Careful. I'll delete this and ban you. Do not think I won't. You are on thin ice and only being saved by the idea of sarcasm.

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jun. 4 2019

1224-MTL

Am I crazy or was it different this time with him? The way he smiled when I showed up at his place. He pulled me inside as urgently as usual but with an eagerness so palpable it seeped through from his bare hand gripped tightly around my wrist. Hands warm against my cold ones, the tips of his index finger and thumb pressed against the thin skin. He treated me like a secret of course. I'm probably his biggest one. But it was strange. It was like I was a secret he wanted to keep. Could he tell that the blood that rushed through the veins underneath his grip belongs to him?

There was a gentleness to him. I don't know. I can't quantify or catalog it. It was in the way he touched me. How he pulled me into his bed. The way he clung to me as he got desperate. I have always known he wanted me. From that hotel gym to the shower in Toronto. You don't jerk off at a guy in a shower unless you're sure he's hard for you already. Desire has always been written on his face for me. In his posture. In that adorable look he gets on his face when I kick his ass on the ice. Or even when I just barely manage to get one over on him. To him it is the same thing. I know it is for me. But this was different. Could he tell somehow that something was wrong with me? Was I that off? Was I not up to my usual standards? Was I not good enough for him anymore? He wouldn't have said if it wasn't. He's kind. Everyone knows he is. Gentle with children, gracious with fans even when they do not deserve it. Everyone gave him so much shit when that story about him helping some old woman with her groceries went around. Canada's golden boy. It's not an act like some people accuse him of to make them feel better about their own shittiness. It's just him. It's the way he is. The opposite of me in every way that matters.

Was it anything really different or am I losing it? Did I imagine him wanting me so differently? Am I being paranoid? Could he tell something was off with me? Was it? I'm fine. I am. There was nothing for him to see.

Did he think I needed gentleness? Or did he just want to touch me that way? Hand on my shoulder, dazed look in his eye. The edge of his knuckle drawing a line down my bicep as I got up to shower. The tenderness lodged in my throat nearly choking me as I left.

In my cab on my way back to the hotel I had the stupidest urge to tell the driver to stop and take me to the nearest tattoo parlor. The desire to have the path of his finger down my arm branded on me forever sudden and overwhelming. Maybe in a way I'm writing this now to stop myself. Keep my hands busy. To keep from getting the memory inked into my skin where I'll never forget it.

1224

I've always been too sensitive. I'll handle this like I've handled every other stupid fucked thing in my life. I'll ignore it until it ceases to exist. Maybe the blood of witches runs through me after all, things are as I say they are. Or they will be. All I've ever needed was time.

It only matters if I say it does. When I don't, it doesn't. Simple. Mama's voice, gone and forgotten somehow without me noticing? It doesn't matter. My remembering doesn't change anything. It won't bring her back. It won't make it hurt less. All of her was going to be lost with me anyway. What is this one thing gone ten or fifteen years sooner.

Jane's unexplained tenderness? A carryover of some abstract fondness. It didn't have anything to do with me. I've already forgotten about it.

0124-PHI

Jesus Christ. This is perhaps a bit over the top even for me. And the worst part is, I don't even know why. I'm there but not really. I chase, I pursue. I'm charming and a good time. But I don't really care. I feel like an animal. Lock me in a glass room and let all the gawkers examine me. I'm just the entertainment.

0124

It's fucking ironic isn't it. I'll never forget father's voice even though it's the one I'd rather not remember. I carry it in my own. He resides in every word I speak. Baked into my accent and lingering in the shape my mouth takes. In the gate of my steps and how I hold my shoulders. He finds his way into my turn of phrase. He speaks every cruel thought in my head. I see him in my reflection in the mirror and I see who he was reflected back to me in every mean spirited impulse I have. I always thought I was more like her. Wanted to be anyway. Now I think I'm just the worst parts of both of them. The pain without the softness. The strength without the resilience.

Even if I did forget his voice it wouldn't matter. There are hours and hours of his voice preserved forever. Commentary on all my old game tape. Mama was never allowed to do it. He said she'd be too soft on me. Blamed her for all my failings. She was silent, voice stolen, as he piled all my shortcomings on her shoulders. Jaw loose and eyes dull. Bulldozed by him in everything. I might be a thief but he was a crusader. The colonizer of her will, her wants, her personality. He stole her voice but I forgot it. I'm not sure in the end what's worse.

0124

It's the journals isn't it? Is all of this because of them. Because I stole them when I was twelve years old and convinced everything would just disappear. She hadn't even been dead 48 fucking hours when I crept in like a burglar. Everyone else too busy making 'arrangements' and refusing to meet my eye as they said what happened was such a horrible awful terrible accident to notice.

Is my forgetting a punishment for my thieving? For not letting her grief die with her? Her spirit enacting revenge for the violation of her privacy? Or is it the opposite? Have I forgotten the sound of her whispered stories because no matter how many times I take them out of their box I've never been able to open them? Not once? I can barely touch the one I found in her nightstand after she died without feeling nauseous. There is still a pen stuck three quarters of the way through. Pages curved around it, spine permanently damaged. In there are her last words and I can't even do them the dignity of reading them.

Is it all because I've always been far too much of a coward to look? Some elaborate push from an out of balance universe? I stole them, I should read them. That makes sense right? I need to right the wrong I committed. Give audience to her pain I have preserved. Maybe I'll find the things I've lost in the scrawl of her writing. In her punctuation. Could the key be hidden in our days from her eyes? Even if it isn't, I think I need to see it all anyway.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #lilys obsession with #hamlet #it continues #get this man a recording of his moms voice #ill pay money to make it happen #i mean I don't have any #but if I did I would! #fuck lily's dad #lilys obsession with cosmic punishment #resurfaces #maybe reading those isn't a great idea buddy #what if we didn't do that?

Notes 2345

Silent_onthehill

raisedfromperdition🔁

biting my fingernails. cracking my knuckles. Making a menace of myself.

theskullonthemantel

So the usual?

raisedfromperdition🔁

oh fuck off.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Janehashisheart🔁

You've already used that one.

Silent_onthehill🔁

I'll stop using it when it stops being true.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Cliffhangers #in my russian diaries? #The lesbians are fighting again #did they stop banging or is this just foreplay?

Notes 712

Kathy @lilys_bitch_kathy

I'm never calling my friends boy crazy again after reading the last #russiandiaries.

Lily @butnotjanes
replying to @lilys_bitch_kathy

A tattoo in a line where he TOUCHED YOU. my guy. A level of insane I truly can't comprehend

R/Russian diaries

U/lovemesome_lilyjane

Hamlet and Lily's own "descent into madness"

I think the choice to use hamlet as the mirror and catalyst for Lily's own descent into 'madness' was really interesting. I'm not saying he is actually going crazy but it's an interesting narrative choice. His pursuit of the 'key' to remembering his mothers voice is unreasonable and while he seems to kind of acknowledge that in the earlier entries he can't help but pursue it to a point of fanaticism.

⬆️51⬇️13💬36

Confused_Pears

He was literally listening to a play he knows by heart in languages he doesn't speak. I agree that in a way the fixation he has on it is a sort of madness.

northstar_dick

If hyper-fixation is madness call me mad I guess.

burning_flame587

I would say it's a little more complicated than being hyper fixated on something. No matter how obsessed I get with something I don't typically resort to listening to it in other languages. Now the thinking about it all the time? That I understand

northstar_dick

You typically don't resort to it?

burning_flame587

Well don't get me started on fiber arts is all I'm saying

Jane'sinlilystrenches

This is interesting to think about for sure. In a way the last entry where he believes he is being punished for stealing the journals and not being able to do them the honor of reading them does kind of mirror the ghost of hamlets father. I mean if you think about it in a kind of roundabout way. He directly references her spirit. And while he doesn't seem to think she is actually real there is a seriousness in how he takes her 'demands'. He's given a task to complete but I don't actually think it will relieve his 'madness'.

Strangerimindanger

While it's definitely not a one to one comparison I do think there is a lot of reasons why he is so connected to this play in the first place. I personally would have thought he would be way more into a tragic love story. Maybe it's too close to his real experience? I do fear that his story probably has more similarities to Romeo and Juliet than Hamlet I'm just saying.

lovemesome_lilyjane-OP

Why do you say that? Do you want them to both die in the end?

Strangerimindanger

I mean….Two hockey teams. Both alike in dignity.

HollanovTruther_42

I'm not sure I buy into the whole 'descent into madness' thing. It seems like a stretch maybe. I read it like he's really just unsettled by the whole situation. He's no longer feeling sure of his place in the world maybe? He didn't know he could lose something and now that it's gone he's desperate to get back what he's lost. In that desperation and confusion he's latching on to something familiar that he connects with his mother who he feels is disappearing. It's not madness it's just delayed grief.

Onlythree_lemons

What's really sad about the whole thing is that he seems so incapable of accepting comfort from the people that care about him. He has a whole crash out if jane could tell if something was off with him. He can't accept even very basic comfort from the man he is sleeping with. It makes him deeply uncomfortable that he might have seen even a smidge of what he is really feeling.

Janecomegetyourman

Sometimes I see a post and I forget that there is a whole subset of people on here that believe these are fictional. What do you mean themes. Man is writing in his journal. He's crashing out about forgetting his mom. It's not that complicated.

Pleasejustbiteme

Lily is both the stupidest and smartest man who has ever lived.

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

"Jane's unexplained tenderness? A carryover of some abstract fondness. It didn't have anything to do with me. I've already forgotten about it." I am SCREAMING. LILY YOU DUMBASS

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

"Did he think I needed gentleness? Or did he just want to touch me that way. Hand on my shoulder dazed look in his eye. The edge of his knuckle drawing a line down my bicep as I got up to shower" this is the guy who doesn't matter to you. Who you've already forgotten about it? So we are just lying now. Blatantly.

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

"I'll ignore it until it ceases to exist. Maybe the blood of witches runs through me after all, things are as I say they are. Or they will be." Is it the blood of witches or is it denial

Sadlittlerat🔁

My guy make up your mind. I'm begging. Do you care about him or not.

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

I need to crack open his head and study his brain.

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Guys he's not that hard to understand

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

Alright oh great Lily understander. Explain it then

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

The problem isn't that Jane may or may not have noticed something was off with him. Sveta noticed something was up and while that did trigger a bit of self loathing it was solidly in the I make everything harder why do people bother with me category. He literally says that he makes good use of himself. To make up for worrying her maybe? I don't think he's uncomfortable with the tenderness in general either. He wants to remember it. We get that crazy line about the tattoo. The problem he has with it is that he wants it. He wants the gentleness and he wants Jane to want to be gentle with him. If he wants it he'll ruin it. His wanting it will curse it. If he wants it he'll never be allowed to have it.

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

I know I asked but…ouch. I would like to return to making fun of him and not understanding thank you.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #emotionally complicated men #emotionally constipated men #Man what do you mean by that #denial #not just a river in Boston #okay owwww #The Darcy strikes back

Notes 721

Chapter End Notes

I came up with the very first part so long ago that by the time I was done writing this chapter and editing my memes I realized that I actually had to draw the stupid doodle. I’m not an artist folks so forgive me for how dorky it looks. I did in fact google how to draw a cartoon net easy. I also drew it at work so that didn’t help. Not pictured is the messy scramble of notes from one of the stupids meetings I’ve ever been in. I’m begging old men to learn how to draft an email. Please.
As always a huge thank you to CherSandles for beta reading this for me. They do such a fantastic job and are so so helpful.
I can’t believe this fic is over 70k words. Not long after I started posting chapters I think I told someone as a joke that this fic was going to be over a 100k at the end. The farther I get into this the more I think that is probably going to be true! Writing this has done something for me creatively that I really can’t even explain. A couple of years ago I would have told you that I would never write again (dramatic I know) but I’m very happy now that I was wrong. I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for reading!!!! New chapter next week!

Chapter 19: 6.06.2019-6.14.2019

Chapter Notes

Myfavoritejanes

Thosetwogayhobbits🔁

umm…okay so you see….

Dontphonehome🔁

See I thought we were all just not bringing that up?

Lilysbookcollection🔁

So I'd like to direct our attention, to anywhere but there.

raisedfromperdition🔁

Actually it's not bad that I read them because of many reasons. I just don't have time to get into them right now.

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

Its okay that I read them because I like them.

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

No ethical violations here! No don't look at that over there.

theskullonthemantel🔁

I'm adamantly refusing to make eye contact right now

Bibblebitch

You can steal my bit or you can make me feel guilty about reading the diaries. Please pick one.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Bibble #oh bibblebitch is going to get you #are you allowed to post that #Like I thought she had the monopoly on bibble memes #also stop calling me out #I thought we weren't talking about that #That doesn't apply to us #because I say so #I'm not guilty you are #stop stealing my shit and making me feel bad #not fair #or nice!

Notes 561

Samlicker81🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jun. 7 2019

0124-ANA

It can't hurt to wait can it? It's not as if they are going anywhere. I've held on to them for more than a decade. I've hidden them under mattresses, tucked them in closets. Smuggled them out of the country like they were illegal substances. I've packed them up when I moved but never opened them. A few more days can't make a difference right? I'll just wait. Just until Sveta is back in town next week. Until I feel like I have a minute to myself. Sometimes during the season it feels like time isn't real. Like days pass in minutes but weeks take months to complete. I don't know. Everything is a bit blurred around the edges right now. Like that moment when you first wake up before you rub your eyes. I just want it to be right. To do them justice. To see her as she was and not just as one of my lonely memories. I want her to be more than that. More than just me.

0124-ANA

It's not so bad to wait is it? Tomorrow will be better for it anyway.

0124

What do I fucking need? A written invitation? Set out a nice tablecloth, light a candle, pour myself a glass of nice wine? A fucking bubble bath? Pull out all the stops for myself like I'm a sixteen year old trying to get into someone's pants for the first time.

I'm not some blushing virgin who locks what they want behind 10 dates and a promise ring. I've never needed the ritual to build up to anything. I don't make anyone jump through hoops for me. I'm just not worth all the effort. What's on offer is displayed in the entry way, the front door unlocked.

I'm not something anyone has to earn. To deserve. I can't keep being this fucking careful with myself. Haven't I proved I won't snap under a little pressure?

0124-CGY

I've always been a coward. I was born one. Two weeks overdue and with a stubbornness that wouldn't keep. Had to be pried out from mama like a parasite. After I was born I never stopped crying unless she was holding me. She told me that once on my birthday as she laughed and teased me. She always made it sound like a good thing. Something sweet and precious. Like a funny story you tell at a wedding. I think mothers are programmed strange. Some instinctual thing so they never see where their child might just be born wrong. Missing some fundamental component. Where the steadfast human spirit should be, I have nothing but a shaking oil slick pitiful thing. He whines endlessly behind the chain link fence where I keep him. I call for him by the name of cowardice. He always answers.

0124

Time just keeps moving. I feel the tick of the clock in every room I walk into. The digital buzzing of the alarm clock that sits by my bed rattles in my head. I swear I can feel the interworking of the watch I wear through the casing pressed against my wrist.

0124

Is it Weird that I still remember what time it was when I found you? There was that ugly old clock on the wall in our old home. Right in the entry. An antique or something. Inherited from one of father's relatives. A symbol that some aunt cared enough to leave him an inheritance. Even if it was a hideous old clock nobody even wanted. It was too delicate to touch or walk by or breathe near. How fucking ironic. An accurate representation of our home seen right as you came in the door.

Looking at it too long might have made it crumble under the pressure of its own perception. Alexei bumped it with his shoulder once and it tilted just a bit. I swear his whole face went pale white as it moved. He was terrified it would fall. Living there always felt like that. Like trying to hold an open flame in a paper museum. One wrong move and it would go up in flames.

I always hated that fucking clock. Hanging right on the wall just as you walked inside. Unavoidable. Twenty two minutes fast. Because of it I'll always know exactly when I found you. Aware almost to the minute to when I felt your hand cold against mine, shoulder stiff as I tried to shake you awake. Is it self centered that I think about that as when you died? Schrodinger's dead mother. You were alive until I found you dead. If I'd never come home you would have lived forever.

I know you'd probably been gone a while by the time I walked in your bedroom. But you'd been alive to me 15 minutes earlier. It never occurred to me that you could just be gone. Sometimes it still doesn't. The thought didn't cross my mind as I made my way home wondering why you hadn't come to get me from practice. Bracing myself for another run of your bad days. I knew something was wrong when you didn't show. You only ever missed if you couldn't even manage to drag yourself there. You always tried as hard as you could. I knew that but I still didn't rush home. If I had just come home faster, if I hadn't spent so much time trying to coax a stray dog into letting me pet him, would it all have been different? Would you still be alive if I hadn't been so distractible?

You died today. 42 minutes from now halfway across the world it'll be the exact time and place I found you there, looking like you were just sleeping. Everything was so fucking quiet. 12 years have passed somehow already. In an hour the scale will tip. More time without than with. One clock ends and another begins. Today feels more like the start of a countdown than an anniversary. The hourglass flips, the sand starts to fall.

0124

How much time really does anyone have? How much time do I have? If it's only twelve years from now that's not so bad is it? A good run? Longer maybe than someone like me deserves.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Lily's dead mom #God January is not a great month for him is it #our man is going through it #Schrodinger's dead mother #I had to tag it #it's simply too diabolical #I am going to ask you again to go to a therapist #and maybe bring up the good run thing? #though you might need to prepare for a #what is the right word #grippy sock vacation?

Notes 2230

Pleasejustbiteme🔁

Lily: "I don't make anyone jump through hoops for me"

Jane in the background literally jumping through a flaming hoop like he's in the circus: what the fuck?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

I have no evidence but I just know my man is TORMENTING Jane.

raisedfromperdition🔁

You act like it's all one sided. They are tormenting each other! It's the gay experience.

theskullonthemantel🔁

Trust us! We would know!!!

Janehashisheart🔁

90 second reblog on your 'Arch Nemesis' is diabolical. Someone is clocked in and paying attention.

raisedfromperdition🔁

I'm your arch Nemesis? You say the nicest things!!!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #Circus #Hoops #lily is a liar #I just know Jane is jumping through hoops for this man like it's his fucking JOB #The Lesbians are at it again

r/russiandiaries

U/floating_my_rivers13

Discussion: Does Lily hate virgins?

I found the entry to be really strange. The contempt he has for the woman who doesn't want her first sexual experience to be with a stranger is really misogynistic. It's almost like he only values women who are sexually available and adopt the same casual relationship to sex as him. Like I'm sorry you are having a bad time lily but that doesn't mean women who don't want to have casual sex are somehow less valuable than you.

38⬆️36⬇️22💬

Janesfreckle_constellations

I'm not really sure that was the emotional core of that entry op

floating_my_rivers13-OP

How so?

Janesfreckle_constellations

I mean how many times does he mention this hypothetical woman not in relation with him. If anything he is putting exponentially more value on this woman than himself. What do you think he meant when he says 'I'm not something anyone has to earn."?

Hollygetshattricks

Imagine thinking that lily thinks he is more valuable than literally anyone ever.

My-appleslices

I'm pretty sure lily would step on a bug and have a crash out that he stole a life from something immeasurably better than him.

Hollygetshattricks

Lily looks at a snail on a step and thinks 'wow what an elevated being'

Lily-has-a-heart

I would like to remind everyone that this is in fact a diary and kind of the definition of a persons first thought. Like maybe he thought something unkind about the idea of a virginal woman or maybe he didn't. People are allowed to think unkind thoughts sometimes. What matters more is how you act in your real life.

Onlythree_lemons

The truth of it is that we are only seeing the most intimate personal parts of lily. Without knowing who he is and the contrast to his more public persona, it still is only part of the picture.

HollanovTruther_42

Some of us know a little more about the public persona and are getting a much clearer picture. the rest of you could too if you weren't lame cowards with guilt complexes.

Onlythree_lemons

I've had enough of you, you beast!

_Svetasupremacy

I know what you are trying to say but scrolling and seeing this title killed me.

northstar_dick

Lily certified Virgin hater.

onfathersshelf

Lily says sluts rise up.

Fell'sshopis_open

I'm not sure if it's misogyny, I'm not getting that vibe at all? I'm not saying there isn't anger in that entry. There is certainly a lot of it but it's all pointed inwards. We know that he holds himself to very different standards than others. He is not allowed to be careful with himself. He doesn't get to ease into something new and scary and vulnerable. Like with losing your virginity to a long term partner, he doesn't think he deserves to build trust over time. To take something slowly and careful in a way that doesn't hurt. He just has to push through it.

HollanovTruther_42

I think what is really telling is what we are actually talking about. He is afraid to read his mothers journals. He doesn't know what he is going to find. The anger and contempt isn't for some hypothetical woman who chooses not to sleep with their partner until they've had ten dates. he's angry at himself for the 'weakness' of needing care.

dreamingof_jane

It always comes back to gentleness with him doesn't it.

AllStar_helmetkiss

It usually does with people who were not afforded enough of it in their lives.

Huntersslowwalking_bf

Lily a misogynist or does lily just have no self worth. A true mystery.

faethinfigueroth🔁

"How much time really does anyone have? How much time do I have? If it's only twelve years from now that's not so bad is it? A good run? Longer maybe than someone like me deserves."

Now what the hell does this mean?

Spinsandspinsandspins🔁

Hey Lily??? What the fuck?? I'm going to need you to elaborate.

Lily'sfuckassclock🔁

Sir Come back here and explain yourself!!!!!

Tothenameofcowardice🔁

So let me get this straight. Lily thinks his birth started a timer that ended in his mother's suicide and now 12 years after that a new one is started that would presumably end with his suicide. Am I getting this right???

Silent_onthehill🔁

Lily try not to blame himself for something Challenge: Level Impossible.

Lilysmusicbox🔁

Its such a wild jump though. How do you even get to a point where you believe that?

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Lily is not being rational about this. I'm not sure if he actually believes it or he's just really going through it as he writes this. I think in a weird way he finds it comforting maybe? If it's his fault then she didn't choose to leave him. And if he's doomed too? Maybe to him that just feels like justice? Fate maybe. Or maybe there is comfort in being doomed too. If he's doomed to follow in her footsteps he doesn't have to worry about actually trying to solve his issues. It's easier to think you don't have a chance. He's just going to enjoy his 'good run'.

raisedfromperdition🔁

breaking news: Lily attempts to self soothe and it's just the saddest shit you've ever read.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily's concerning diary entries #I'm going to need you to explain what you mean by that bud #I think we know what he means #he is Mr. It's my fault #lily thinks he's doomed #The comfort of thinking your fate is fixed #even if that fate ends in your demise #ouch #Darcy strikes again #The most fucked up form of self soothing I've ever seen #Somebody needs to slam dunk that boy into therapy like he is a fucking basketball.

Notes 1010

raisedfromperdition🔁

iknowthisaboutmyself

Jun. 12 2019

0124-MIN

Time just passes and I can't hold on to it. One second everything's familiar and the next everyone's moved on. They're talking about a movie I haven't seen starring an actress I haven't even heard of.

If I'm honest I don't care about the movie at fucking all. I want to watch the fourth version of a play written 400 years ago. I want to read a book I've read ten times already. My new notes in the margins written in a different colored pen. Five years in the pages.

But admitting that makes it all feel worse. I'm falling behind and I'll never catch up. What good is living if I'm already a ghost? What good is being curious if I'm too afraid to look?

0124-WPG

I'll never know if I don't read them. For once in my life it's time to stop being a fucking coward.

0124

She wrote so much more than me. Pages and pages and pages of what seems at first to be nothing but is actually everything. A novel for her account of just one afternoon. She wrote every morning and most nights, she was diligent in the practice. Every entry dated down to the hour. Her handwriting is so neat. Everything so clear and accounted for. It puts mine to shame.

I read two full pages on a sparrow that sat on the windowsill outside our kitchen window. The way it looked. The coloring of its feathers. Each little movement as it hopped about before it took off into the sky. I remember that day I think. My coach said something nice to me at practice. He wasn't the type to give undeserved praise. He wasn't the type to give any at all. It was often like looking for validation from a stone cliffside. More likely to receive a rockslide for your trouble. I don't remember what it was about now, nothing that really mattered I'm sure, but he promised he would tell father about how I was doing. Even then I knew he wouldn't care. That excellence was the expectation and anything less was a failure. But something threatened to crack open my chest anyway.

It was that morning she wrote this I think. Or a morning like it. I remember what I ate for breakfast on that day. She was listening to the radio while she stood in front of the stove, singing along under her breath. I wish I could remember what it sounded like. I know I probably never will. She spent ages looking out the window as I ate. Silent and distracted as I chattered on about everything and nothing.

It's so strange to think of that morning differently. Like my version is fleeting instead of solid. The smallest part of what happened when I thought it was everything. I guess being self absorbed isn't a trait I picked up in adulthood.

That morning All she saw was a little bird at our window. She must have thought about it for hours after. I didn't even know it was there.

0124

She wanted to go. To leave him. To pack up and disappear. She wrote about it. Or she wrote around it. The shape of it in everything she looked at. The big thing she's not saying. Just like for me, father was this big looming misery in her life. A freezing cold shadow in the corner of every sunny moment.

0124-A.S

I'm an ocean during a bad storm. A weapon welded by an angry god. I rage against the craggy coasts and hope I can change the rock formations if I'm angry for a thousand years. I sink ships and destroy cargo just because my father asks me to. I've never known how to be anything but his. I separate a man from the wife he loves for 20 years because he wills it. He doesn't know his son. I know it's wrong but I do it anyway.

I fill the void of anything left open but I never have my own shape. I'll be anything you want but never warm when you hold me. I pull away from the shoreline as the tides go out leaving only broken sharp bits of shell and sea glass that hasn't been worn down from my waves. I never spit anything out worth collecting. Injuries that look like treasures line my shoreline. If it was worth seeing it's been tumbled inside me to nothing. Sand at the seabed. Don't look too close, anything I leave behind will cut your feet if you walk too near without shoes.

I'm not solid until he touches me. He forms me out of sea foam and algae in bland hotel rooms. Shapes the line of my shoulders how he likes. So obsessed with this sport he created a man to fuck him that was nearly as good at it as him.

When I see him here I feel crazy. Less stress and a bit more time than the regular season. I could almost stop smelling the sea by the time he retreated to his own hotel room done with me. In the end it doesn't matter how long he stays it doesn't change anything. He goes and I'm the ocean again. Saltwater soaking the mattress. I'm some shapeless force again. A tool for someone else's bidding. A number transferred to my brother's bank account. Not myself until he looks for me again.

0124-LA

Was it because of me that you didn't go? Is that what you meant when you wrote 'he would never let me take him'? The only time you don't over explain everything. One sentence on an otherwise blank page. The only thing you wrote that week. The first break in your journal I've found yet.

Why wouldn't father let you take me? Is it because I'd just started to show I wasn't worthless at everything after all? I put a price on your freedom just as soon as you thought about taking it? You could have just left. I wouldn't have blamed you. I would have understood. I'd have come to find you as soon as I could have. There would have been a spot waiting for you in my place in America. A ticket with your name on it.

It would have been hard but I'd have forgiven you anything as long as you lived.

0124

I think I might want him too much. It would be so much easier if I knew how to stop.

0124-VAN

I have so many memories of her writing I don't know why I pictured her habit was more like mine. Sporadic. Inconsistent. Deranged ramblings in a code I don't know why I use. Sometimes I feel paranoid and crazy writing this way. But never enough to stop. Maybe it's not actually about the risk. The vague idea that something could go wrong because I insist on putting my stupid thoughts down on physical paper. Maybe I'm like this because it's easier if I never have to be specific. I'm not sure I know how to be honest.

0224

Everything changes and I'm still stuck thinking about how things were. Some other family probably lives in our old home now. They sleep within the same walls. Walk the same rooms. Sit on their own furniture in the spaces I know. We haven't lived there for years.

It doesn't belong to me anymore, I'm not sure if it ever really did. Still I wonder if they painted Alexei's old bedroom. I wonder if they painted mine. I imagine a different mother makes breakfast in our kitchen for a different set of sons. A little rosemary plant grows in the windowsill, allowed this time to flourish into a bushy unwieldy thing. They don't prune it properly. It takes up too much space but they keep it anyway. The boys love it in the way children love things. With an unmatched intensity bracketed by fleeting attention. But it stays sitting there. Always ready for their return.

Their new life lays over our old tragedies like they never happened. If I was a better person the idea would bring me comfort. Instead I worry that it's a curse. That all their happiness will die unceremoniously on an innocuous weekday. It rips open some wound in me I thought closed to think of them all suffering there as we did.

Through the bleeding though, maybe grief is always looking for company. Even though it's awful it's easier to think it was something in the foundation. Something about the number on our door. The exact placement of our home in the axis of the universe. Our door a magnet for familial suffering.

It's harder to accept that maybe it was never the house. Maybe that idea of a family will live there forever. Happy as the years pass, no depressing anniversaries or late night calls demanding more from me than I know how to give. Those boys will grow older and their mother will smile as they reach each and every milestone. Will brush the hair of a willowy young girl when she's left for an afternoon with her babushka. Her father will not lie about being at her recital or teaching her to skate. He'll just have been there. All of them will laugh as the children play. The perfect image of a family backlit by a picture perfect sunset.

It wasn't really a curse of the walls or the paint or the drapery was it? Was it destiny that you died? Some grand forces you had no control over? Did I curse you? Born to mark the beginning of your end. Did you just run out of time? Or is it so much simpler and so much more terrible?

Did you go, not because you had to, but because you wanted to leave?

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily #a translation of a diary about a diary #is this feeling a bit meta to anyone else? #no just me #Is this what they mean by a hat on a hat? #Lilys moms diary #both more positive and more depressing than I thought #This is maybe something we shouldn't look into without the guidance of a therapist. #Not ending on a happy note #I'd bet money that it is going to get worse #but I have none #I have bet my metaphorical money I promise

Notes 2230

DarcyHandFlexes🔁

Salt water wasn't the only thing that soaked that mattress if you know what I mean.

Am I right!! Who's with me!!

I'll see myself out.

Lilyistheatlantic🔁

Twenty minutes ago Darcy posted one of the most devastating things I've ever read. Stare at the ceiling I'll never be the same type shit. Now we are talking about a mattress soaked with cum(?).

America'snexttoptorturechamber🔁

the duality of man everyone

snakesnakesnake🔁

Darcy got more layers than lily and they are all Russian Diaries brain rot.

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily is an Ocean #Soaking that mattress #Because they be fucking #Gross #Please go back to breaking my heart on the daily thanks

Notes 982

Lizard @imlizarding

I can't believe we finally got Lily identity reveal! That picture of him???!?? Insane update!!!

Kathy @lilys_bitch_kathy
replying to @imlizarding

WHAT!! WHERE!!?! I'm not seeing it. I'm out of service for two days and this happens!!

Lizard @imlizarding
replying to @lilys_bitch_kathy

I got you https://i.postimg.cc/6Q7ymxwR/IMG-5525.jpg

Kathy @lilys_bitch_kathy
replying to @imlizarding

That is just a picture of the ocean you fucking asshole.

Silent_onthehill🔁

Lily doesn't blame himself for one single thing challenge: Level Impossible.

Lily'sfuckassclock🔁

You already made that joke. This is not big enough of a fandom to be recycling jokes this soon

Jane'smoancatalog🔁

This is like that meme all over again.

Kisskisslily'sinlove🔁

Silentonthehill be original challenge: Level Impossible

Silent_onthehill🔁

I will stop saying things when they stop being TRUE!! It's not my fault that My genius is very applicable!!!!!!

#The Russian Diaries #Russian Diary Translations #Lily really sees any situation and thinks #yeah probably my fault #Just a guy and his skewed self image #Joke recycling #Good for the environment I guess? #Silentonthehill joke stealer #They are my own jokes!!! #and they are #good and #accurate!!!

Chapter End Notes

So sorry this is late! Though technically for me it’s still Friday! I usually try to post in the morning but real life has been really crazy. All good things but very busy! I spent the whole day today thinking I was forgetting something only to realize just as I was about to fall asleep. Oops!
As always a huge thank you to CherSandles for having beta’d this chapter. You’ve all heard me sing them many praises and they are all still true. Most of all for this chapter having a better memory of my own fic than me! I almost called it a basil plant instead of Rosemary. And to think that was loosely inspired by a true story🤦‍♀️
Thank you so much for reading!!! And all your comments! I can get a bit overwhelmed by how wonderful you all are so I’m sorry if I don’t always reply. Trust that I always read (and cherish!) them all!!!