Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, much of the entire game changers ensemble makes an appearance tbh, plus a few ocs that i pulled from the goodness of my heart

Additional Tags:

relationship timeline reveal, Social Media, stg i spent more time formatting this than writing it, no beta we die like men, Hockey Players Mic'd Up on the Ice (Game Changers), Married Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Post-Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers), Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov Relationship Timeline Reveal, Shane Hollander Walks Ilya Rozanov Like A Dog, Drinking, Recreational Drug Use, Karaoke, reddit, harris drover deserves one billion dollars for everything ilya puts him through, very light slur use in ch 6 but it is promptly clapped back upon

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-01-18 Updated: 2026-09-16 Words: 39,205 Chapters: 6/7

mic'ed up

Summary

Every time Ilya and Shane are on hot mics, Harris loses a year off his life.

Chapter 1

Chapter Summary

Ottawa mics up both of their captains for a game.

It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Chapter Notes

For two months now I've been telling myself that I would NOT cave and start writing Hollanov fic.

I failed.

(Does this fandom already have a wonderful selection of social media / texting fics, AND a robust selection of mic'ed up fics? Yes! Will that stop me? No <3 Uwu or whatever)

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet

Video:
CRAIG SIMPSON: Big night tonight as the Ottawa Centaurs take on the Anaheim Hammerheads at home — both of the Centaurs captains, Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, are mic’ed up and live for this evening’s matchup.

CHRIS CUTHBERT: You left out a pretty crucial detail there, Craig — former rivals Hollander and Rozanov are also married to each other, so we’re in for a show both on the ice and on the mic.

SIMPSON: [laughing] Oh, sorry, I thought that was implied. Didn’t realize there was a single soul in Canada who doesn’t know that at this point.

CUTHBERT: We've been told both Hollander and Rozanov were given a stern talking to by the Cens PR and media teams to keep things appropriate for national television tonight.

SIMPSON: Hollander I trust with that task. Rozanov… I'm not so sure. He's a bit of a wild card.

CUTHBERT: Let's just say, our tech team has the bleep button on hand. We'll be putting them to the test tonight with that five second live delay.

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
can’t wait for hollanov to #endhomophobia tonight when all of north america falls in love with them on the mic…….. pls just know me and the oomfs were #herefirst

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
FUCK FUCK CUNT BITCH CUUUUNT FUCK (i’m swearing on ilya’s behalf bc he’s not allowed to tonight)

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
Buckle up, hockey fans. Think you’ll need some popcorn for this one🍿

Video:
[Shane and Ilya bonk their helmets together on the ice.]

ILYA ROZANOV: Go kill em, moya lyubov.

SHANE HOLLANDER: [even more awkward than usual] You too. Uh, good luck, Rozanov.

ROZANOV: Oh okay, I see how this is. [directly into mic, but loud enough for Shane to hear] Hello hockey fans, I am Shane Hollander, I am very professional, I will only speak to my husband in formal style for entire game because I am scared by teeny tiny microphone.

HOLLANDER: Shut up.

ROZANOV: Shut up? This is not how a Canadian hero should speak to his captain!

HOLLANDER: Fu— eff off.

ROZANOV: Excuse me, ref????? THIS MAN IS NOT BEING PROFESSIONAL PLEASE GIVE HIM MANY PENALTIES.

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
obsessed with hollzy clearly about to tell roz to fuck off, remembering he’s mic’d up, and backtracking to a middle school insult😂😂😂😂😂

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
this is about to be the best night of my life i’m so serious

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Okay my Russian is elementary at best but did Roz just call Hollander "my little tomato"???? Did I hear that right????

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
okay i want it on the record that i am a detroit fan and WILL be a detroit fan for the rest of my days, but as everyone’s favorite local russian expert (#slavaukraini btw), the gc has roped me into being their own personal translator for the night. so i figure i might as well put it on main

so, for your reading enjoyment: a rus>eng translation thread for everything rozanov says on mic tonight🧵

starting with: yes, he did in fact call hollander “my little tomato” lol. he also called him “my love” earlier, and under his breath called the ref what i can only translate as an “ugly shit-skate”😂

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
Ottawa strikes first! First goal of the night comes from Rozanov, with the assist from Hollander🚨🏒🥅

Video:

ROZANOV: You call that a pass????

HOLLANDER: You still scored off it, asshole.

ROZANOV: Yes, only because I am undisputed best hockey player in the world with reflexes like a very handsome fox.

HOLLANDER: Undisputed? That's a new one for you.

ROZANOV: Excuse you, I have known this word for a long time. Problem was for many years I could not make it sound good coming out of my mouth. [pause] You know what does sound good coming INTO my mouth, though—

HOLLANDER: LIVE TELEVISION, ILYA.

ROZANOV: I was going to say Poyushchaya Ptitsa, is best Russian food in Ottawa. Get your head out of the pipe, Mr. All-Canadian Good Boy, I am trying to support local business.

HOLLANDER: My head out of the— what? Do you mean get my head out of the gutter?

ROZANOV: Yes, whatever. Gutter, pipe, is all the same in your stupid language. You still understand me, no? Anyway. [taps on the mic] People on TV, restaurant is called Poyushchaya Ptitsa, is in Kanata. Tell Oleg I sent you, maybe he gives me free food as a thank you for so many new customers.

jords
@rozanovzy
mans got a multi million dollar contract and a deal with ccm and he’s still trying to get some free food from his favorite restaurant😂😂😂

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @rozanovzy] What else would you expect from Rozanov? He’s a self-absorbed prick

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @dkent_guardy] babe. you are a DALLAS KENT shooter. perhaps look inwards before picking fights on matters the likes of which your red bull-addled pea brain cannot even comprehend

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] Hey man, that’s a little harsh……. Red Bull doesn’t deserve to be associated with this guy

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
OKAY I’M SORRY my little brother keeps trying to show me all the new things he’s added to the spaceship he built on minecraft lolllll

but here’s the catch-up of rozanov’s russian, which at this point is mostly just increasingly absurd pet names for hollander:

- my beautiful wife (he specifically said wife. not husband. lmao)
- my maple syrup boy
- my meerkat
- my zamboni

he also chirped at chesnokov on the hammerheads that maybe he would be better at blocking shots if his eyes weren’t on complete opposite sites of his head😂😂😂 unfortunately the mic didn’t pick up chesnokov’s response

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
i can’t believe i used to hate roz, this guy’s fucking hilarious

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Ilya calling Shane a meerkat? He gETS me

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
more on-mic pet names for you #hollanov fiends:

- my cheese grater
- my good clamshell (unclear why this one he specified "good"? are there...... bad clamshells????)

rozanov also chirped at chesnokov that he should brush his teeth bc his breath smells like pampushki (pampushki are these really good roll things that are pretty garlicky, which is lowkey hilarious because chesnokov means “garlic”😂😂😂😂)

bee
@roty24
i mean this with so much love + respect bc y’all know i am first and foremost a Shane Hollander Luvr, but like……. he rly is giving good clamshell

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] Well yes. He’s our good clamshell meerkat maple syrup boba eyed boy🤩

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @shilya2481] you used to be a kpop stan didn’t you

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
You’re always invited to karaoke night, @ilyarozanov81 🎤🕺🏻🪩

Video:
ROZANOV: [singing] Uptown girl… she’s been living in her uptown world... [intentionally shoulder checks Shane] I bet she's never had a backstreet guy...

HOLLANDER: Stop.

ROZANOV: [singing] I bet her mama never told her why… I’m gonna try for an uptown girl...

HOLLANDER: Ilya, stopppp.

ROZANOV: But Hollander… you are my uptown girl……

HOLLANDER: It’s distracting. Get your head in the game.

ROZANOV: [singing] Getcha, getcha head in the game. You gotta getcha getcha getcha getcha head in the game.

HOLLANDER: How…. how do you even know that song?

ROZANOV: What are you talking about? Everyone knows the squeaky basketball song.

HOLLANDER: Have you even seen High School Musical?

ROZANOV: Of course. Me and Svetlana did a movie marathon one time. All three. Very interesting. First one is famous but is actually not as good as the others. This is my… what did Harris call it? Hot something? Hot potato?

HOLLANDER: [laughing] Hot take?

ROZANOV: Yes yes, that. Do you not agree? That first is secretly the worst?

HOLLANDER: Uhhh. Sure.

ROZANOV: You have never seen these films, have you?

HOLLANDER: No.

ROZANOV: Oh my godddd, you are so annoying. And so boring. I was living in Russia when these came out! How have I seen them and you have not!

HOLLANDER: I mean, they’re not even Canadian. They're American.

ROZANOV: And? Sveta was torrenting them in communist Russia, what’s your excuse?

HOLLANDER: Russia hasn’t been communist your entire life.

ROZANOV: Ah ah, this is not true. Six months, I live in communism, and the Russian people are saying “nonono this baby Ilya Rozanov, he is too perfect, is not fair to have him owned by the state. Government is ugly, does not deserve this beautiful boy, we need him to be free.” Then voila! No more communism.

HOLLANDER: That is not what happened.

ROZANOV: How would you know? You were busy with goo goo ga ga in Ottawa. In English AND French, because you are perfect baby Shane Hollander. Annoying. [blows raspberry] Okay, here is my plan: tonight we will watch High School Musicals and you will see I am right.

HOLLANDER: All three tonight?

ROZANOV: Okay, maybe one tonight. Two tomorrow. I will make poppy corn. One bag for us, one bag for Anya.

HOLLANDER: You know it’s just called popcorn, right? Not poppy corn?

ROZANOV: What am I, Booboo the Fool? Yes, of course I know this. But poppy corn is more fun. You have no whimsy.

HOLLANDER: Who the hell is teaching you all these words?

Grey
@grey4cens
Who is Anya???? Who else is this man making poppy corn for aside from his husband????

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @grey4cens] that’s their dog😂😍🤣🤭

jords
@rozanovzy
anya being rozy’s princess…… yktr 🙂‍↕️ 🙂‍↕️ 🙂‍↕️

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
the amount of money i would spend just to be a fly on the wall in a cens karaoke room with ilya on the mic…….. unholy. i would put myself into debt for that i’m not even joking

DJ Cerberus Bot 🔊🐶🐶🐶🤖
@DJCerberusBot
Now playing in the Canadian Tire Centre: Uptown Girl by Billy Joel #OttawaCentaursMixtape

bee
@roty24
hELP ARE THEY REALLY PLAYING UPTOWN GIRL IN THE ARENA DURING INTERMISSION SKSDFKSDFDSLK

DJ Cerberus Bot 🔊🐶🐶🐶🤖
@DJCerberusBot
Now playing in the Canadian Tire Centre: Getcha Head in the Game from High School Musical #OttawaCentaursMixtape

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
dj cerberus thinks they’re soooooooo funny, huh (they are)

jords
@rozanovzy
i know for a fact ilya is back in the locker room getting down to that basketball choreography

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
more pet names!

- my trombone
- my steam engine

right after hollander scored, rozanov called him “my champion”🥺and then he said “i love you”, which hollander said back (in russian! honestly his accent is decent)

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
MY CHAMPION🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 SHANE SAYING I LOVE YOU IN RUSSIAN🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I’M FINE I’M FINE IT’S WHATEVER. I’LL JUST BE GETTING HIGH ON THIS FOR THE NEXT WEEK

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
We’re staying out of it ✋🤚

Video:
[Ilya sits in the penalty box. He shouts after Shane as he skates by.]

ROZANOV: FIGHT FOR MY HONOR, MOYA LYUBOV!

HOLLANDER: No! That was a dirty hit, you deserve the time.

ROZANOV: Oh, so you don’t love me anymore? Fine! Then I will hide all the protein powder in the house.

[Shane skates away, and speaks into the mic where Ilya can’t hear him.]

HOLLANDER: For the record, I know all of his hiding spots. I can’t believe he managed to hide a relationship for a decade but can’t find a place to stash his emergency cigarettes that I can’t sniff out in thirty seconds.

jords
@rozanovzy
AIRING THE MARITAL TEA OUT LMAOOOOO HOLLANDER I KNEW DEEP DOWN YOU WERE JUST AS MESSY AS THE REST OF US

Grey
@grey4cens
Listen, I’m just here for puck, I’m not one of those shippers, but… did Hollander just say they hid their relationship for a DECADE??

jords
@rozanovzy
woah woah woah. wait

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
managed to hide a relationship for……. im sorry, for HOW LONG?????

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
A DECADE?????

bee
@roty24
i mean, we don’t know for sure it’s THEIR relationship? he said ROZANOV hid a relationship, not that they both did

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] Bee, girl. You know I love you. But when someone shakes you do the rocks inside your head rattle around? WHAT OTHER SECRET RELATIONSHIP WOULD HE BE TALKING ABOUT????

bee
@roty24
ngl rozanov being a smoker is kinda giving me the ick…… i am sorry to say

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @roty24] He’s Russian, dude. Of course he smokes😅

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Isn’t Hollzy like, famously a super clean eater?? The contrast of him vs. his husband the chainsmoker is sending me

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @horseman12] ten bucks that if rozy’s been smoking, hollander makes him brush his teeth like five times before they kiss😂😂😂

jords
@rozanovzy
ngl it’s actually been so lovely to finally get to see more of hollander’s real personality through his relationship with roz? we never got to see it before bc the poor bastard is always so awkward in front of a camera 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Hayden Pike ☑️
@pikehayd_
[Replying to @rozanovzy] Yeah man Shane is funny as fuck ! I hope more people appreciate my bro off the ice

Rose Landry ☑️
@rroselandry
[Replying to @pikehayd_] I second this statement☝🏻☺️💕

Amrit
@bostonbearder
Man I can’t believe shane fucking hollander managed to bag both rose landry AND ilya rozanov. There have got to be drugs in his awkward boy rizz or something

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying @bostonbearder] With a face like that you don’t need rizz bro. AND that bod? I’m not even gay but I’d tap that

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @kyle_g17] DONT FORGET THE FRECKLES!!!!!! ✌🏽✌🏽✌🏽

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] You sure youre not gay man? lol

Colton
@voya8eurs
can’t believe Im agreeing with a 🤢Boston fan🤢but Ive been wondering this for ages. Hollander's jizz taste like kool aid or something? there’s gotta be some secret reason this guy pulls, he’s a fvcking bitch loser

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @voya8eurs] u just censored the word “fucking” and u wanna speak on bitch losers?? i know for a fact that just a couple years ago you were jerking off to your beloved captain hollander's goals

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
can we talk abt that guy thinking “hmmmm what’s the best tasting thing i can think of to describe hollzy’s jizz? gotta be kool-aid” and then hitting send and thinking he ate

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] he’s been drinking that montreal kool aid thats for sure

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] me when i drink the voyageur kool aid that makes u homophobic✋🏽😭🤚🏽 ❌💅🏻🏳️‍🌈👬❌

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
sldfkjdsalfjasd hollander just russian pet named rozanov back and he called him “my weighted blanket” (i assume it’s bc rozanov hugged him so hard it looked like hollanov’s head was gonna explode?)

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
i fear ,,,,, that translating these weirdos for the past 2 hours has endeared me to them………

to be clear i hope we trample your dumb team next week but hollanov, i think of you fondly…………. something something papa’s orchard or whatever (i refuse to look up what that copypasta is, i’ve already done enough tonight)

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
Rozanov when asked how he feels about the Centaurs’ tight 2-1 home ice victory over the Hammerheads: “DJ Cerberus did a good job with the tunes tonight. Nice playlist.” Watch the full post-game interview here: bit.ly/ot2o

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
akdjfbsjskd he’s so fucking annoying i love him

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
i genuinely cannot believe no one asked either of them about the secret relationship for a decade thing in the presser???

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @neverhollanover] Well that’s not about hockey so

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @kyle_g17] okay and???? it’s important journalism

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @neverhollanover] Yknow….. Honestly yeah ur rite

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Wait but okay. I’m still stuck on the secret relationship thing. Even if a decade is an exaggeration. Let’s say it was…….. 7 years. 7 years prior to them getting outed was 2014. Roz was DEFINITELY still in his public fuckboy era at that time

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @ shilya2481] maybe they weren’t official/exclusive yet? or they were official but open? they did live in literal different countries

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] hollander has such good boy aura though, i feel like that’s not his vibe

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @shilya2481] Don’t forget Hollander dated Rose Landry for awhile in there too

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @grey4cens] Tbh I just kind of assumed they broke up for awhile and she was his rebound or something

bee
@roty24
man of course getcha head in the game is his favorite song from hsm

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @roty24] no no, is not my favorite. favorite is I Don’t Dance. thought this would be obvious

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
THATS THE FIRST THING YOU ADDRESS POST GAME??? ROZ???? PLEASE?????

jords
@rozanovzy
he wasn’t even named or tagged in that post imsjdfsldfj he’s in our walls fr

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
hey @ilyarozanov81 knock knock hi what’s up u gonna come on the record about the 10 year relationship orrrr (pls?)

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
The way that “A DECADE” is trending rn🤪

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
Ugh fine. Yes yes, is true. I am so beautiful and sexy and charming and irresistible that my beloved sexually-repressed husband could not help jumping my bones all the way back in 2010

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Okay this is not what I meant when I said you could clear the air

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] you are right, I am sorry моя любовь. one second

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
Yes we were lovers starting in 2010, but I am not a cheating bastard. For many years Shane and I were very stupid and thought we could do this thing called “fuckbuddies” without falling in love with each other. Was very silly. Did not work.

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] STOP SAYING LOVERS IT’S WEIRD

Yuna Hanamori Hollander
@yunahollander
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I think it’s sweet❤️❤️❤️

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @yunahollander] MOM NO NOT THIS POST

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
2010. two thousand and…... sorry i need a second. TWO THOUSAND AND TEN????????? two zero one zero. THEY WERE TEENAGERS

Grey
@grey4cens
AHAHAHAHAA IM DYING
Roz: “Yeah man me and Hollander were playing hide the cucumber since we were teens. Really just goin at it”
Hollander’s mom: “Awwww how sweet🥰🥰🥰”

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
GUYS. GUYS. I JUST REALIZED. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WAS IN 2010????? THEIR FIRST FUCKING CCM SHOOT SKDKFJSJSKDK

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @neverhollanover] woaaah. so did this happen before or after that?????? (i’m invested now okay)

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @whenwheelsfly] 👀😶‍🌫️🙆🏻‍♂️

jords
@rozanovzy
wha t,,,. ILYA GRIGORYEVICH ROZANOV WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ????????

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
i can’t believe a detroit fan got a reply from ilya rozanov before i did…… jealousy is a #disease and it’s #terminal

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Oh my god, our sweet little Hollander, face of the NHL, sneaking around with the league bad boy……….. scandalous🤭🤭🤭

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @shilya2481] Sounds like a movie lol

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @horseman12] and I would be SEATED for that movie

bee
@roty24
everyone acting all shocked that shane was fucking around with roz for years before they got serious…….. this is just the same discourse all over again from when their relationship was first outed🥱he’s a grown man who can make his own choices. he's allowed to have sex. please touch grass

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @roty24] I mean yeah, but that doesn’t mean people can’t find the realization shocking. His whole image his entire career has been buttoned-up role model, and he was kind of famous amongst players for not hooking up on the road. A lot of people (reasonably) thought he was one of those no sex before marriage guys🤷🏻‍♂️

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @roty24 and @horseman12] not to mention he apparently doesn’t really go out or drink much either….. like yeah babe of course we’re surprised that our beloved league prude was actually a raging fruitcake slut all along (lovingly, with pride from a fellow raging fruitcake slut)

jords
@rozanovzy
turns out there’s a lot we didn’t know about our all-canadian goody two shoes…… but i mean, he IS married to a man who was once known as russia’s greatest fuck machine (love u ilya bby). maybe shane’s a secret freak

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @rozanovzy] he is
[This post has been deleted.]

Grey
@grey4cens
HOLLANDER MADE HIM TAKE THAT DOWN SO FAST LMAAAOOOOOOO

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
shane said that’s enough #strict

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] OMG do u think hes gonna. You know. Punish him for that, if u know what I mean?😉 He *is* still Captain Shane……

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @shilya2481] with those big “dominate me” doe eyes? honey i don’t think shane is the one doing the punishing in that house

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
so i think what we all learned today is that roz likes to push the boundaries but at the end of the day, hollzy walks him like a dog🤣🤣🤣🤣

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] Yes

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] Oh so you can say this, but I cannot say very innocent thing about you being a secret freak???? Double standard😤

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Down, boy.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] 🐶

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Oh they’re FREAKS freaks skskskfjskskdjd

jords
@rozanovzy
#hollanovfreak4freak

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
never get addicted to hollanov you guys, i rlly mean it. i’m fucking overdosing rn. shaking and quaking like a chihuahua that ate an entire bag of sweet tarts and also some cocaine

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
The network is never gonna let them be mic’ed up again lmfao😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
[Replying to @shilya2481] Never say never! We only had to bleep them twice! 😉

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @sportsnet] Oh my god please no. Tonight already gave me no fewer than twelve heart attacks😭😭😭😭😭😭

Chapter End Notes

thank u for coming to my ted talk. if u like to suffer on the bird website like me, i'm @ilyaelizabeth yippeeeee

(also, thank you to the homies in the groupchat for the hsm input and frenchspertise. y'all are icons)

Chapter 2

Chapter Summary

Vanity Fair ☑️
@VanityFair
Buckle up, folks, because @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer hooked up to the Vanity Fair Lie Detector is going live in T minus 10 minutes… #HollanovVFLieDetector

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
Ilya told me it was “not necessary” to screen the lie detector interview before it went up because the video is “fine”. I’m about to find out live with the rest of you if he was lying to my face or not. Please keep my sanity in your thoughts and prayers. #HollanovVFLieDetector

Chapter Notes

If I ever was going to add to this fic, I initially planned on it being another mic’ed up on ice segment. And then I read the excellent Vanity Fair Lie Detector chapter of oh my god you should see your faces by writinginasnowglobe and I said fuck. I’m about to cave again aren’t I

(That is to say, the odds of another on-ice mic’ed up chapter are not zero. So. Make of that what you will, and subscribe if you don’t want to miss whatever tomfoolery my brain cooks up next.)

Vanity Fair ☑️
@VanityFair
Buckle up, folks, because @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer hooked up to the Vanity Fair Lie Detector is going live in T minus 10 minutes… #HollanovVFLieDetector

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @VanityFair] OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENIENG

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
Ilya told me it was “not necessary” to screen the lie detector interview before it went up because the video is “fine”. I’m about to find out live with the rest of you if he was lying to my face or not. Please keep my sanity in your thoughts and prayers. #HollanovVFLieDetector

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @drover_harris] oh bestie ….. i fear we’re all in for an experience on this day

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

PRODUCER: Alright, Ilya, we’re going to start by establishing a baseline. What is your full name?

ILYA: Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov.

PRODUCER: What is your date of birth?

ILYA: June 15, 1991.

PRODUCER: What team do you play for?

ILYA: Ottawa Centaurs. Gayest team in the NHL.

PRODUCER: Did you or did you not directly cause the fall of the Soviet Union when you were an infant?

SHANE: [off camera] That’s a BASELINE question?

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
oh my god we’re 15 seconds in and this is already the funniest thing i’ve seen all week, i’m locked the fuck in #hollanovvfliedetector

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
oh my god thEY’RE ASKING *EACH OTHER* THE QUESTIONS????? THE PRODUCER WAS ONLY THERE TO DO THE BASELINE????? OH MY GOD #HollanovVFLieDetector

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

SHANE: Have you ever let me win anything? In hockey or otherwise?

ILYA: [BLEEP] no, never.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

SHANE: Have you ever let any of the Pike children win against you?

ILYA: Of course not. If they are winning, it is fair and square because they are geniuses.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: Telling the truth.

ILYA: They get it from their mom’s side. Hayden’s genetics don’t do [BLEEP].

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
hayden pike catching strays re: his six billion children….. Deserved

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] Asdflskadfjsdlfj what did he ever do to you??

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @grey4cens] his wife is so hot and smart i want her for myself

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] I just googled her and you know what. That’s incredibly valid

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

SHANE: Hockey team notwithstanding, which city do you like better: Boston or Ottawa?

ILYA: Not with what?

SHANE: Not considering the hockey teams.

ILYA: [long pause as he thinks] Ottawa.

SHANE: Really?

ILYA: My favorite is wherever you are.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

ILYA: Plus Yuna and David are in Ottawa, and I am their favorite son, so. That helps.

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
ILYA ROZANOV NEVER BEATING THE LOVERBOY ALLEGATIONS

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
man i know i was making fun of the kool aid jizz guy before but that hollander dick has really gotta be crazy if it makes a man say he prefers ottawa to boston (before anyone comes for me pls know i am FROM ottawa)

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] JUSTICE FOR OTTAWA!!!! BOSTON DOESN’T HAVE A SINGLE TIMMY HOS!!!!

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

SHANE: Am I a better hockey player than you?

ILYA: No.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: That’s a lie.

SHANE: Mmm. Have you always believed me to be a better player? Since we first met?

ILYA: No, you have never been better than me.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: Another lie.

ILYA: These tests are very unreliable, you know. Cannot even use them in court.

SHANE: Have you or have you not privately admitted to me that I’m a better player than you and always have been?

ILYA: I would think you already know the answer to this. Not sure why you have to ask again.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: Answer the question.

ILYA: I may have said that. But maybe I was lying then.

SHANE: Were you lying then?

ILYA: Yes.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: That’s a lie.

SHANE: I rest my case.

ILYA: This is not court, Shane.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

bee
@roty24
THE ROZ VS. HOLLZY DEBATE CAN FINALLY BE PUT TO REST
VINDICATION FOR HOLLANDER SHOOTERS EVERYWHERE

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @roty24] OBJECTION! my client remains the best hockey player in the world, unfortunately he is just very whipped and incapable of being objective

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

SHANE: [looks at question, then at producer] Do I have to ask this one?

PRODUCER: You don’t have to, if you’re uncomfortable. But it would be funny.

ILYA: What are you, chicken? Aaaask the question.

SHANE: [longest sigh of all time] Fine. Ilya, in your early years in the league, you were known for hooking up with every woman on the planet.

ILYA: I do not think that is how Vanity Fair wrote it down.

SHANE: Of those one billion people you’ve [BLEEP]ed in your life, am I the best lay you’ve ever had?

ILYA: [no hesitation] Yes.

SHANE: [disbelieving] Really.

ILYA: Well, maybe not at first. You had… what is it called, some learning curve? Like little baby deer who cannot walk yet. But you were very enthusiastic.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

SHANE: Okay, next—

ILYA: You were soooooo eager. More than anyone else. Practically begging me to—

SHANE: THAT’S ENOUGH, ROZANOV, THANK YOU.

Grey
@grey4cens
Not him pulling out the last name lmaooooo, that’s how you know he’s had it #hollanovvfliedetector

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
shane being super eager for rozy’s dick despite never being with a man before…. yes yes it’s all coming together. all of my headcanons are being confirmed

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @neverhollanover] do we know for sure roz was the first man shane was with? i’ve never seen him confirm it

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @roty24] it’s never been explicitly confirmed, but they’ve dropped enough hints tbh #noticing #observing #thinking

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

SHANE: You’ve said in previous interviews that my Russian accent is “pretty good”. Is that actually what you believe?

ILYA: [squints] Mostly.

SHANE: What does that mean?

ILYA: Sometimes you sound like… what do you call it? A hick?

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
A HICK LSDKJFDLS;FKJSDFLJ

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
no but guys………. there’s a weird twang to hollander’s russian accent i’ve been struggling to put my finger on for ages. and rozanov just nailed it. hollander’s cadence and intonation does sometimes give hick😭😭😭😭no idea where the fuck he could’ve picked it up because rozanov’s accent is very classic moscow city boy, but it’s honestly kind of cute😭😭😭😭 #HollanovVFLieDetector

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
THEY’RE SWITCHING OH GOD IT’S SHANE’S TURN #HollanovVFLieDetector

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander] sorry are you livetweeting a fuckass YOUTUBE VIDEO??¿

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @samwichbred] get off my ass or i’m telling mom you’re the one who broke the xbox controller

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander] hey @24rozanov come control your girlfriend, shes threatening me and i am just a CHILD

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @samwichbred] sam……. my beloved……… you are 21 years old

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: Hello, Shane. Fancy seeing you here.

SHANE: Not really. We drove here together.

ILYA: [throws away cue cards] I do not care about these.

SHANE: [exhibiting speechless indignance] [trains his pleading eyes on producer]

ILYA: So. Between us two, who is the better captain?

SHANE: You are.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

ILYA: [blows raspberry] You are so boring. You couldn’t even try to lie a little to make this more interesting?

SHANE: You know I can’t lie to you.

ILYA: No. You can’t.

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
ILYA ROZANOV MY FOREVER CAPTAIN ☄️☄️☄️☄️

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
the way that roz looked sooooo fond when shane said “you know i can’t lie to you”................. #yeah

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: Do you really think I am hottest person on the planet?

SHANE: You’re seriously asking that?

ILYA: Yes. Answer it.

SHANE: [rolls eyes] Yes. I do.

ILYA: Good. I already knew this, I just wanted you to say it for everyone else. Is important that they know.

jords
@rozanovzy
AND HE’S RIGHT

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
no wait i take everything back about ilya being a loverboy. it’s shane: certified loverboy. ilya: certified demon

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: Have you ever secretly broken your bird food diet and hid it from me?

SHANE: No.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s lying.

SHANE: No I’m not! I really haven’t. Every time I’ve broken my diet, you’ve known. Because you were the one who convinced me to do it.

ILYA: Are you ever jealous of me when we’re eating together and I am having normal food like a normal person but you have to eat your dumb bird food?

SHANE: It’s not bird food.

ILYA: Yes it is, and you are my bird. Now answer. Are you ever jealous?

SHANE: …Yes.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

jords
@rozanovzy
starting the discourse now, what kind of bird do we think shane hollander is

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @rozanovzy] meerkat

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @roty24] close! that is a reptile💚

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @rozanovzy] What is the most awkward bird. That one

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @rozanovzy] walk with me here shane would 100% be one of those birds that has crazy feathers to attract a mate

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: When you were with Rose Landry, did you ever say my name during sex?

SHANE: [goes red] No.

ILYA: No? Are you sure?

SHANE: Not out loud.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

ILYA: But in your head, yes? You were having sex with the hottest movie star on the planet and you were imagining she was me?

SHANE: [stares at Ilya angrily]

ILYA: Is simple question. You were [BLEEP]ing her and picturing me?

SHANE: Well… maybe sometimes. Not the whole time. It wouldn’t work the whole time.

ILYA: What do you mean, wouldn’t work?

SHANE: Well, I mean… [goes somehow redder] The mechanics were. Different.

ILYA: Ah, I see. Because you are little bottom boy and topping is scary.

SHANE: [BLEEP] you.

ILYA: Nonono, I will be [BLEEP]ing you, because you are pillow princess who—

SHANE: I am not!

ILYA: [smiles] No you are not. You are a [starts singing] pro rider, woo hoo hoo hoo rider…

SHANE: Please stop, oh my god.

Troy Barrett ☑️
@tt_barrett_fwd
for those concerned about @drover_harris based off his radio silence since the video premiere started, don’t worry! hes in good hands. hes currently taking deep calming breaths and muttering to himself about where best to hide a body👍

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @tt_barrett_fwd] pls don’t let him kill roz, we need him for the cup 😭😭😭

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: The last game we played against each other. Did you trip on purpose?

SHANE: [BLEEP] no. I’d sooner cut my own arm off than throw a game for you.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

ILYA: Have you ever wanted to punch any of your former Montreal teammates in the face?

SHANE: No comment.

ILYA: Theriault?

SHANE: No comment.

ILYA: Crowell?

SHANE: Are you trying to get us both benched?

ILYA: If Crowell thinks he can get away with benching us for a Vanity Fair video, he underestimates the wraps of sh—

SHANE: The what?

ILYA: The wraps.

SHANE: Do you mean the wrath?

ILYA: Whatever. Dumb language. If he thinks he can get away with benching us for this, he underestimates the wrath of the Hollanov she/they shooters.

SHANE: I have no idea what the hell that means.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

jords
@rozanovzy
HELLO IT’S ME, YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SHE/THEY HOLLANOV SHOOTER, CLOCKING IN FOR MY SHIFT #HollanovVFLieDetector

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @rozanovzy] hello your honor would you be willing to accept a local they/them in your shooter gang, i come pre-armed and ready to fight

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] HELL FUCKIN YEAH COMRADE

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
the fact that ilya immediately tossed the questions vanity fair provided but still asked this one so that shane could join him in going on the (polygraphed) record on that insane “they’ve thrown games for each other” accusion………. best husband fr🥹#hollanovvfliedetector

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @24rozanov] i am soooooooo normal about all of this🥰🥰🥰

Grey
@grey4cens
Honestly it’s so fucking sad that it’s been years and they’re still having to rehash this bullshit

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: Ugh okay, producer lady is gesturing like a crazy person, so fine, I will ask this question from the notecard. What is my most annoying habit?

SHANE: You don’t fold socks properly.

ILYA: They are socks, Shane. They are not meant to be folded.

SHANE: Yes they are. Also, when you “accidentally” smoke a cigarette.

ILYA: Oh, you will keep going.

SHANE: How do you accidentally smoke a cigarette? Uh oh, a lit cig just fell into your mouth? And then you taste gross for like, an entire 24 hours. No matter how many times I make you brush your teeth.

ILYA: This question only asks for one annoying habit, you know.

SHANE: Oh, and you constantly leave the toothpaste cap way too loose on the tube. Twice this week it’s gotten loose and now Gumi thinks the cap is a toy. It shouldn’t even be possible to accidentally knock it off! You need to tighten it until you feel resistance.

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
domestic hollanov bickering is the best show on television actually

bee
@roty24
…gumi…?

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @roty24] she’s their cat! gumi is short for megumi🥰🐱

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @neverhollanover] how did i not know they had a cat??? when/how did they get her????

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @roty24] i think it was maybe…. 6 months ago or so? @svetavetrova apparently was distributed her by the cat distribution system when she was visiting ottawa, but because she lives in boston, she couldn’t keep her. so she brought her to hollanov’s house specifically to, and i’m quoting here, “terrorize our dear dog boy ilyushka”. megumi immediately imprinted on shane, and the rest is history🤣🙂‍↕️

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: Who do you like better, Anya or Megumi?

SHANE: I love both my children equally.

ILYA: [looks pointedly at polygraph technician]

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: That’s a lie.

SHANE: It’s not! The thing is only going off because the question stresses me out!

ILYA: Oh, so my other questions did not stress you out?

SHANE: The other questions weren’t gotchas!

ILYA: No? So this one is gotcha? This one you are afraid to answer because you know you have to lie?

SHANE: This one I’m afraid to answer because I know you already have your preconceived notions of the truth.

ILYA: Yes, you love Megumi more. Is okay because I love Anya more. It evens out. Who do you love more, Megumi or me?

SHANE: You.

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.

ILYA: [to polygraph technician] Really?

SHANE: Ha!

ILYA: This is flattering, but I am not sure it is actually true.

SHANE: [BLEEP], I should’ve asked you that question. I want you on the record about whether you love me or Anya more.

ILYA: Ah, too late, Hollander. Too bad, so sad.

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
it’s cute that shane thinks that’s even a question. the ranking of who ilya loves most in the world is clearly:
1) shane
2) anya
VERY LARGE GAP
3) everyone else
VERY LARGE GAP
dead last) hayden pike

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] who else do we think makes top 5 tho. i think sveta makes it

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] yuna probably lmfao

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] jackie pike? he’s constantly gassing her up. which, deserved, but also i think he would put her in the top 5 just to piss hayden off

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] the way that aside from shane this is literally all women…… mans got taste

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] FRECKLES SHOULD GET THEIR OWN SPOT ☝🏽🤓

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @neverhollanover] at first i was confused about how hayden could be last when d*llas k*nt exists…… but ur right. only sentient beings with brain cells belong on this list

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @samwichbred] WHO;S LIVETWEETING A YOUTUBE VIDEO NOW????

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander] i’m not livetweeting, i’m participating in discourse

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

ILYA: Why won’t you let me leak our sex tape?

SHANE: I think that’s pretty obvious.

ILYA: But the whole world needs to see how well you take my—

SHANE: [lunges forward and throws his hand over Ilya’s mouth]

POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: [gestures at the blood pressure cuff and finger sensor, which both came loose in the scuffle] I can’t get a clear reading on that one.

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
APOLOGIES TO @24rozanov FOR ACCIDENTALLY SMACKING YOU IN THE FACE, I HAD A VISCERAL REACTION TO THAT THAT I COULD NOT CONTROL

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY ENDED THE VIDEO LIKE THAT ASDL;FKJSADLFKJ

jords
@rozanovzy
okay so what i’m hearing……. is that somewhere out there in the world………. there IS a hollanov sex tape………. #goodforthem #wouldbebetterificouldseeitthough

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @rozanovzy] tbh this surprises me a little bc i kind of thought our #strict king shane hollander would never risk something like that

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] the variable you’ve forgotten to consider is how freaky they are #hollanovfreak4freak

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
why is the polygraph technician lowkey so funny tho lol

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
hello I am starting a petition to convince @shanehollanderhockeyplayer to let me release our sex tape. please sign https://bit.ly/4a8Ia75

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] #SIGNED

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
I give up.

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @drover_harris] look we have it on the record that you tried with him and that’s all that really matters

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
Does anyone know any good divorce lawyers in Ottawa?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no. they do not exist. nice try

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] also this would be more convincing if you were not being my little spoon rn

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
BREAKING: Canada’s sweetheart @shanehollanderhockeyplayer just KICKED ME IN THE SHIN!!!! RUTHLESS

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Thank you @shanehollanderhockeyplayer 🤗

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Ruthless?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] yes? did I not use this right?

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] No, you did. I just wouldn’t call that ruthless

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] you are right. real ruthless is me on the ice. good boy Shane Hollander could never

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
HE KICKED ME EVEN HARDER

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] deserved #teamshane

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @svetavetrova] ты для меня мертва.

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] 😘

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ILYA ANSWER YOUR PHONE

Chapter End Notes

ты для меня мертва = "You're dead to me"

I tried to be a good polite midwesterner on the last chapter and respond to all your delightful comments, but y’all are too lovely and kind and generous and it got to be way too much lol. So I may not reply to all comments on this chapter but pls know I read and appreciate them all!!!!!

catch me on the bird website @ilyaelizabeth😎

oh also btw shane picked up the hick accent from watching russian farmer videos to try to improve his listening comprehension. he finds them soothing

Chapter 3

Chapter Summary

Mic'ing up Shane, Ilya, AND Scott Hunter during Ottawa's pride night is either a genius idea or the worst idea anyone's ever had. Depending on who you ask.

Chapter Notes

this one got out of control. i’m sorry slash you’re welcome, whichever applies.

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
Who’s ready for #PrideNight in Ottawa vs. New York? We’ve got not one, not two, but THREE players mic’ed up tonight… sound off in the comments as to who you think they are😎

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @Sportsnet] don’t fuckin tease me sportsnet i stg

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @Sportsnet] Our 🏳️‍🌈squad? Hollanov and Barrett??

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
[Replying to @shilya2481] this is Luca Haas erasure😤

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
[Replying to @Sportsnet] SCOTT HUNTER CARTER VAUGHN MATTI JALO SEND TWEET

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] girl why the fuck would they mic up three admirals at the cens home game pride night

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
as much as i would love mic’ed up barrett….. y’all are completely overlooking that this is the last ott-nyc matchup before hunter’s retirement….. they’re absolutely mic’ing roz, hollzy, and hunter

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @barrettredemptionarc] oh my god….. oh my god punch emoji grant i bet you’re right

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
You called it… mic’ed up at tonight’s Centaurs vs. Admirals #PrideNight: Cens captain Ilya Rozanov, Pride of Ottawa Shane Hollander, AND New York captain Scott Hunter. You won’t want to miss this one. Coverage starts at 6:30pm ET, puck drop at 7🏳️‍🌈

Grey
@grey4cens
Oh my god this is gonna be chaos

just a samwich
@samwichbred
i hardly even go here but has anyone checked on @drover_harris? harris, has anyone armed you with some xanax in preparation for tonight??

Kip Grady
@kipgradingpapers
Can’t wait for y’all to hear Roz and my husband at each others’ throats for three periods and then catch them secretly giggling over the foosball table at Roz and Hollander’s place tonight🤣🤣🤣🤣

Leah Campbell
@campbellonice
[Replying to @kipgradingpapers] if they need another thumb wrestling ref they know where to find me (gossiping with @eric_bennett_hockey while @themaxriley dotes on Anya in the corner)

Kip Grady
@kipgradingpapers
[Replying to @campbellonice] so excited to see all of you!!!💕💕💕

bee
@roty24
hold on…… youre telling me they’re having gay hockey avengers assemble night at the hollanovs place after the game???

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @roty24] GAY HOCKEY AVENGERS ASSEMBLE RAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
The game hasn’t even started yet, but for @ilyarozanov81 it’s always time for a good chirp 🐥

Video:
[Rozanov skates up to the center line during warm-ups, where Hunter is stretching.]

ROZANOV: Think you’re going to make it to the end of the game? Or should I tell the med team to keep the stretcher ready?

HUNTER: I think you just want an excuse to uninvite me from the little retirement party your husband is throwing me tonight.

ROZANOV: Well, yes. Obviously.

HOLLANDER [skates up]: You still trying to convince the public that you don’t voluntarily go to the Kingfisher at least twice every time you're in New York?

ROZANOV: This is to see Eric. And Kyle. And Kip. Not this loser.

HOLLANDER: Sure.

ROZANOV: You know, Hunter, Shane thought maybe we could have this party a little later, not during the season, you know? But I said no no, if you insist on doing it we will have to do it now. New York is not making playoffs this year because their center is a dinosaur, but Cens are winning the cup, so we will be so busy later and who knows when we will see Hunter next. Have to do it now while Grandpa Dino Man can still walk.

HUNTER: Don’t act like you’re so far behind me, Rozanov. I’ve seen you out there favoring your left side the past few games. With no new injuries on record this season? That’s a classic old geezer move. Your age is finally catching up to you.

ROZANOV: Oh, so you are watching my play closely? You are hoping to learn some tips and tricks? Is sweet that you are still trying even when they are about to put you down.

HUNTER: In your dreams.

ROZANOV: Maybe favoring left side is a hot new trick recommended by science. You wouldn’t know, you are so old that the only treatment you know is… Shane, what was it called in the documentary we watched? Where evil bird-face man cut the lady’s arm to make her fever go away?

HOLLANDER: Bloodletting?

ROZANOV: Yes, that. Hunter treats everything with bloodletting because he was born in the Middle Ages.

HUNTER: Hollzy, he fucked up something on his right side, didn’t he?

HOLLANDER: Oh yeah. Too many hard hits on that right knee and now it creaks and cracks like nobody’s business.

ROZANOV: Fake news. Not real.

HOLLANDER: I keep trying to get him to go to PT more often, but he insists he’s fine.

ROZANOV: I am fine. I am very hot and fit, ask anyone here.

HOLLANDER: [humoring him] You’re very hot and fit. But you’re also a professional athlete in your thirties who didn’t start properly taking care of your body until a decade into your career, when I finally forced you to.

HUNTER: Let me know if you want any of my old man tips and tricks, Roz. Sounds like you need ‘em.

ROZANOV: Go fuck yourself, Hunter.

HOLLANDER: Quit swearing, Ilya, we’re live.

ROZANOV: Oh, so you can tell the whole world lies about my very healthy and perfect knee, but I cannot swear a little? And anyway, he swore first. Does not seem fair.

HUNTER: Life’s not fair, buddy. That’s something you’ll learn in your old age.

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Roz’s dedication to chirping Scott Hunter for being old even though he himself has been in the NHL for like 15 years at this point……… that’s a man who hates for the love of the game baby

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Incredibly in character for Roz to be tattling to Hollzy that Hunter swore first😂😂😂 That’s my captain

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
anyone else sick of r*z still chirping scottie for his age……? like. cmon now. havent you grown out of that yet?????

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] no and he never will bby, bc he’s funny as fuck. i know that’s hard to imagine when u stan a #bloodletter with the personality of room temperature oatmeal

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
[Replying to @neverhollanover] i censored his name how did you even FIND me

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] not denying the room temp oatmeal allegations i see🥰

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] gracie babe stop picking fights with strangers on the internet. some ppl just have bad taste and we have to let them live with that

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
[Replying to @hollanovpilled and @neverhollanover] jesus christ you both sound just like him

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
That karaoke invite is still standing, @ilyarozanov81.

Video:
ROZANOV: [singing] God, what have you done? You’re a pink pony girl, and your dad’s at the club. Oh mama…

HOLLANDER: Huh?

ROZANOV: [singing] I’m just havin’ fun, on the stage in my heels—

HOLLANDER: No, back up.

ROZANOV: What?

HOLLANDER: Go back to the line before that. Sing it again.

ROZANOV: You have never asked me to sing before. Is this some sort of new kink?

HOLLANDER: No, you weirdo. Just — I want to hear what lyrics you said.

ROZANOV: [singing] God, what have you done…

HOLLANDER: Uh huh. Keep going.

ROZANOV: [singing] You’re a pink pony girl, and your dad’s at the club.

HOLLANDER: That’s not the lyric.

ROZANOV: I’m sorry, you think YOU know pop music lyrics better than me? Once I showed you a picture of Sabrina Carpenter, you said she looks like a nice girl but you have never seen her in your life.

HOLLANDER: Well this song’s not by Sabrina Carpenter, and I do know the lyrics. Which are not “your dad’s at the club”. It’s “you dance at the club”.

ROZANOV: No. This is wrong. It is “your dad’s at the club”.

HOLLANDER: Why would her dad be at the club?

ROZANOV: I don’t know. She is already talking about her mom. Why not?

HOLLANDER: It’s a gay club, Ilya.

ROZANOV: Okay, so? Maybe her dad is gay. I don’t judge.

HOLLANDER: Would you want to go to the club with your — no, with my parents?

ROZANOV: Um, yes. I would have so much fun with Yuna and David.

HOLLANDER: Okay fine, if you were me, would you want to go to the club with them?

ROZANOV: Well you never want to go to the club, so I do not know why it matters who’s there.

HOLLANDER: You know what? Never mind. Just know I’m right.

ROZANOV: No way. You do not know any lyrics of anything. Impossible.

HOLLANDER: We all grow and evolve as people, Ilya. I mean, not you, because you still refuse to fold socks. But normal people can.

Grey
@grey4cens
GET HIM HOLLY LMFAAAAAOOOOOOOO

bee
@roty24
i do hate to say it but in this case i do think rozanov is right. there is NO need to fold socks. put em in their pair, ball em up, DONE

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] but wouldn’t that count as folding them? I don’t know that’s what he means

jords
@rozanovzy
on god if this gets us into a discourse about the definition of what it means to fold socks i will hoedown throwdown myself all the way into the sea 🫩👋🏿

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
Strategizing at intermission? Out. Looking up @chappellroan lyrics at intermission? In.

Video
[Shane and Ilya walk back out to the rink after intermission.]

ROZANOV: No, I do not believe it. The internet is wrong.

HOLLANDER: Literally every site you went to said the lyric is “you dance at the club”. How could all of them be wrong?

ROZANOV: They are playing one big practical joke, maybe.

HOLLANDER: Hey, Coach? Finish the lyric. “I’m a pink pony girl, and…”

COACH WIEBE: [looking incredibly confused, faintly picked up by mics] “And I dance at the club?”

HOLLANDER: See?? Even Wiebe knows.

ROZANOV: Even Wiebe can be wrong sometimes. Like when he tried to have us playing on different lines at first. Wrong. Stupid.

HOLLANDER: You do remember you’re on a live mic right now?

ROZANOV: Yes, I have said this to his face and I would do it again. Me and Wiebe are besties.

HOLLANDER: Sure.

ROZANOV: I think Fabian met Chappell Roan once. Do you think she follows him on Instagram? Next intermission I am texting Fabian and asking him to ask her what the lyrics are.

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
leaving martial spats at home? out. dragging your coach, your pop star friend, and the entire sportsnet audience into your marital spat? in

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
#wiezanov #bestfriendsforever

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander] okay babe let’s workshop this ship name before we lock it in bc this sounds like the symptom of an upper respiratory condition

Grey
@grey4cens
Sometimes I forget that they know like. Actual famous people outside of hockey famous people lol

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] I mean they ARE the hockey famous people lol

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] oh hello Kyle nice to see you again, are you gay yet?

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] Im not gay🤦🏻‍♂️

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] you keep tellin yourself that, bud!

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
It’s getting serious.

Video:
ROZANOV: Hey, Hunter? I know you don’t know because you are a million years old, but next intermission can you ask your husband what the lyrics are to Pink Pony Club?

HUNTER: The fuck are you talking about, Rozanov?

ROZANOV: Ugh, I knew you would be useless.

HUNTER: Gee, thanks.

ROZANOV: Did you switch from rainbow tape to regular tape at intermission?

HUNTER: What? Oh, yeah. The pride tape was fraying on me.

ROZANOV: So instead of replacing with more pride tape, you put boring white tape on? This is homophobia, I think.

HUNTER: Rozanov, you were at my gay wedding.

ROZANOV: Mmmm, this was so long ago, though. Now you are upset you are losing to the gayest team in the league, so you decide to become homophobe at intermission.

HUNTER: Your husband isn’t using pride tape.

ROZANOV: Shane is very specific about stick tape. When he does not have the right kind, this is very bad for him, for me, for the whole team.

HUNTER: But by your logic, doesn’t that make him a homophobe?

ROZANOV: He likes my cock too much to be homophobe.

HUNTER: Jesus Chr— [sighs] He’s gonna kill you for that one.

ROZANOV: [grinning] Yes, probably. But he is hot when he’s angry.

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
no but fr can we talk about rozy specifically using bi flag stick tape tonight🥹🥹🥹 my poor bisexual heart can’t handle it🩷💜💙

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
ilya being like yeah and my husband is extremely autistic about his stick tape, so what???? so WHAT, HUNTER??????

Jessica M
@jesslovestheworld
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] I dont know how I feel about u talking about Shanes autism like that….. My brother is autistic and Ive done some volunteering with Autism Speaks and autism is really a social disorder, its not about taping sticks or whatever……….

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @jesslovestheworld] jessica? jessica. i MYSELF have the tism. i think i’m more suited to speak on the autistic experience than you are. begone allistic scum

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @jesslovestheworld] also, autism speaks is a trash organization that tries to “cure” autistic people. jess you may love the world but your brother probably hates you

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @jesslovestheworld] JESSICA M, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO PERCEIVE SHANE HOLLANDER’S BEAUTIFUL FRECKLES🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] omg kier you’re nonbinary, autistic, AND from ottawa? pick a struggle dawg😭😭😭😭

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] i know……. i am So Brave

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
The game may be over, but the pride never stops🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

Video:
HOLLANDER: Ilya. Ilya. ROZANOV! We need to stay on the ice for the photo-op.

ROZANOV: What? What photo-op?

HOLLANDER: The one Harris told us about like, three times? Both teams, center ice, pride jerseys?

ROZANOV: Oh. I was not listening.

HOLLANDER: Yeah, no kidding.

HUNTER: [skates up] Should us old queer mainstays post up in the center, do you think?

ROZANOV: There is only one person here who is old, and it is you, Mr. Retirement.

[Hollander drags Rozanov to center ice. Hunter follows, laughing.]

ROZANOV: If we are taking a picture, please can we get some bisexual lighting in here? Is only fair, I think. My goal won the game, so…

HUNTER: Hollander, I have no idea how you put up with this guy 24/7.

HOLLANDER: Honestly? Me neither.

ROZANOV: Hey! Hey!!!

[Rozanov lunges towards Hollander, tackling him to the ice. As they giggle and grapple, the press and photographers go wild. Off to the side, Harris Drover sighs.]

just a samwich
@samwichbred
hello hockey fans please donate to my gofundme to fund a month-long vacation for @drover_harris after the season ends. he’s been through so much. he deserves it

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @samwichbred] Screw the vacation, I think I may need a lobotomy

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @drover_harris and @samwichbred] UP THAT FUNDRAISING GOAL WE GOTCHU KING

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
hello @chappellroan please clear this up for the sake of my marriage, is the line in Pink Pony Club “and you dance at the club” (wrong answer) or is it “and your dad’s at the club” (right answer)

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
You know…… he’s going big, and you gotta respect that. If he’s gonna publicly embarrass himself for being so loudly wrong, might as well go all out with it

Chappell Roan ☑️
@chappellroan
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] it’s definitely “and you dance at the club” but i do love how confidently wrong you are king💕

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Told you so.

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHAHASDFSFJAS;FL I CANT BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY RESPONDED

jords
@rozanovzy
CHAPPELL????? MOTHER?????

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
whack him for me, queen💅🏻

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
ugh okay fine. you may win this one, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer. however @chappellroan you are still very cool and you write bops. you should come to a Cens game. we are very gay

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] also Ottawa is very uninteresting like Missouri so it will feel like home

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT????? Ms. Roan, @missourigov, @CityOfOttawa I apologize for my very rude husband

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] well I kind of doubt Missouri and Ottawa would’ve seen this if you hadn’t just TAGGED THEM

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] The city of Ottawa follows less than 100 people and you are one of them, Ilya.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] omg I am a hometown hero 😍😍😍🤩🤩🤩

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Hometown? HOMETOWN???? Of OTTAWA??? Only one of us is the hometown hero here and it sure as hell isn’t you

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] yes yes it is. no one cares about that other guy. he’s a poser. played for another team for 11 entire years. they were losers and we hate them but still

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] SO DID YOU???

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no I have never played for another team, this is lie. liar told you this

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] also was not 11 years. was only 8. single digit is very different from double digit

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] yes I can I am bisexual. you know this. is not news

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] You’re so fucking annoying. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no I am not. we both know you accidentally trained yourself to not be able to fall asleep if I’m not there. 30 minutes in you will be begging me to come back to bed

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I maintain that you did that to me on purpose. You did some sort of evil Pavlovian science on me

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] not my fault you are like fluffy little cat who purrs when he is pet. have to pet my Shane to sleep

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] IS THAT WHAT IT IS?????

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
wow. years into the marriage and shane is still getting ragebaited by his husband…… that’s romance

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
okay but that’s……. actually SO cute😭😭😭😭😭😭

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Shane really is just like a fluffy little black cat who’s 😡ANGY😡 but is so baby that his screams of anguish sound so tiny and cute
[Retweeted by Ilya Rozanov ☑️]

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
excusez moi @shanhollanderhockeyplayer @ilyarozanov81 pls speAK INTO THE MIC WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHAPPELL ROAN SONG

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @81hollander] Shane is cheating. he is looking up all her songs and listening to them to decide

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @81hollander and @ilyarozanov81] I’m not cheating! I know the songs! You made me listen to all of them! I just don’t know them by name, so I need to be reminded!

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @81hollander and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] CHEATER! FAKE FAN!

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @81hollander and @ilyarozanov81] You didn’t know the lyrics of one of her most famous songs and I’M the fake fan??? Anyway, Bailey, my favorite is Love Me Anyway :)

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @81hollander and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] well MY favorite, Bailey, is The Giver. I relate to it🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 we can’t all be pillow princesses like my husband☺️😘🥰

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @81hollander] STOP SLANDERING ME??? THIS ISN’T TRUE. I WORK HARD

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
i’m gonna be honest, never in my days did i expect canada’s hero shane hollander to be here on twitter dot com defending his ability to ride dick

jords
@rozanovzy
alas,,,, there’s only one way to solve this spat………… #RELEASETHESEXTAPE

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
sorry rozy bby, the entire internet is on team holly for this. the concept that Thee Shane Hollander wouldn’t put his whole shanussy into everything he does is kind of laughable actually

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @neverhollanover] he also went on the record calling shane a pro rider like a month ago lolllllll

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @81hollander] Sorry, Bailey, but in light of recent events, I’ve changed my mind. My favorite Chappell Roan song is actually The Subway, because it reminds me of @rroselandry #shegotaway

Kip Grady
@kipgradingpapers
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @81hollander] FYI everyone, @ilyarozanov81 is now pouting at the wall because of this tweet from Shane

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Oh my god I forgot theyre aLL TOGETHER AT HOLLANOV HQ RN SAL;KDFJSALD;FJK

Kip Grady
@kipgradingpapers
[Replying to @shilya2481] they are literally just sitting next to each other furiously typing on their phones. They're making poor Anya host all on her own

Leah Campbell
@campbellonice
[Replying to @kipgradingpapers and @shilya2481] thank god she’s a charming and independent young woman who can hold the fort down by herself

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
asdfsdfdsfsads wow. years into the marriage and ILYA is still getting ragebaited by HIS husband…… that’s romance

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
I owe you an apology, Hollander….. I wasn't really familiar with your ragebaiting game

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
didn’t know shane knew how to use hashtags……. he’s Evolving

Rose Landry ☑️
@rroselandry
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] Personally, I’m a fan of Femininomenon…… reminds me of how men like @ilyarozanov81 can’t get it hot etc. like us girlies can😉

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying @rroselandry and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] ah see I thought that song was about how Shane couldn’t get it up when he was with you :/

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ILYA

Cliff marleau ☑️
@cliffmarly7
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @rroselandry] my favorite is My kink is Karma . reminds me of when hollander started dating Rose landry and roz crashed the fuck out for weeks on end

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @cliffmarly7, @ilyarozanov81, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @rroselandry] my favorite is Casual bc it reminds me of how Ilyushka tried to convince himself he wasn’t in love with Shane for like 7 years💁🏽‍♀️

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
oh my god. oh my GOD

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] deep breaths girl i know this is an overwhelming lore drop but i need you to stay with me

Amrit
@bostonbearder
Marley…. What the fuck did you just drag us into😅

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @svetavetrova, @cliffmarly7, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @rroselandry] having fun are we?

Cliff marleau ☑️
@cliffmarly7
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] a lot more fun than you were having when hollander was bangin rose Landry I can tell you that. Remember that day they were on the news in the training room, you were so mad about it that stubbed your toe really hard when you turned it off, and then you were so mad the rest of the day that you made us all skate suicides until @vickyst_simon vommed?

Victor St-Simon ☑️
@vickyst_simon
[Reply to @cliffmarly7 and @ilyarozanov81] wait is THAT why you almost killed me that day???? because you were jealous about your secret gay boyfriend’s hot movie star girlfriend??? why didn’t you just get in on that and solve the problem?? man I thought I was gonna die

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @vickyst_simon, @cliffmarly7, and @ilyarozanov81] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA no Vicky. Vicky I know you’re picturing fuckboi threesome Roz, but you have to forget about him. once he started getting in his feels about Shane he started getting SO jealous it was actually insane. I used to provoke him just for fun

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @svetavetrova, @vickyst_simon, and @cliffmarly7] evil, mean woman………. exploiting my latent loverboy tendencies……………….

Cliff marleau ☑️
@cliffmarly7
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @svetavetrova] latint? the fuck does that mean, whos teaching you all these words roz

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @cliffmarly7 and @ilyarozanov81] Boston’s most notorious fuckboi is so far domesticated these days that he plays Scrabble with his in laws😔

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @svetavetrova] you have literally played with us??? and I kicked your ass????

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ONLY BECAUSE YOU SWEET TALKED SHANE INTO LETTING YOU USE RUSSIAN WORDS. I DEMAND A REMATCH

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @svetavetrova and @ilyarozanov81] I’m sorry Sveta, I was kind of drunk and he is very persuasive :(

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] not your fault bb. never your fault🥰🥰🥰

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
there is too much going on. there is too much going on i literally cant handle it. i fear my own explosion is imminent

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
This day with go down in Hollanov history😳

Scott Hunter ☑️
@scott21hunter
Hey @ilyarozanov81 you’re out of beer, are you gonna actually be a good party host or are you gonna keep tweeting about your husband …?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scott21hunter] there is more in the basement go get it yourself. unless you are too old and frail for stairs

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Wait why did they all suddenly go radio silent
Rid Roz push Hunter down the stairs. Should we be concerned

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to hazyhaasy] someone call in @campbellonice. leah please. we need a status report. these men can’t be trusted

Leah Campbell
@campbellonice
HAHAHAA don’t worry everyone, no homicides today. As for the requested updates: Ilya DID go get the beer himself bc Shane pouted at him about it. Now Ilya and Scott are playing Chel against each other (but playing AS each other bc Bennett insisted those are the rules) and chirping the shit out of each other. All is right in the world again☺️

Eric Bennett
@eric_bennett_hockey
[Replying to @campbellonice] you forgot to mention the crucial detail that Hollzy is ragebaiting Roz by rooting for the Cens and the digital Roz (aka Scott) instead of the real him😅😅😅

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @eric_bennett_hockey] oh my god 💀💀💀💀💀

Leah Campbell
@campbellonice
Scott has now banned us all from using our phones bc the party is for him and he makes the rules, so I guess see you all on the other side🤣✌🏼

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @campbellonice] yes he is going full old man yells at cloud about it. has nothing else to do now that he is retiring

Scott Hunter ☑️
@scott21hunter
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Stop hiding in the kitchen and tweeting, get back out here so I can finish kicking your ass

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scott21hunter] I am having to play as YOU and your team has no cohesion because you are old decrepit captain. meanwhile you are playing as me and with my perfect gay team. OF COURSE I am losing😤😤😤😤😤is not a fair matchup

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
the closeted little me of 15 years ago would never believe im saying this, but thank fucking god im a hockey fan and thank fucking god im a cens fan. i’ll never be bored again🏳️‍🌈 🙏

Chapter End Notes

i actually have a visceral hatred for the word cawk so the fact that i had ilya use it shows an immense amount of bravery on my part

also i know sportsnet is canadian and they would spell it “centre” rather than “center” but this is my world and you can’t make me

suffer with me on the avian hellscape @ilyaelizabeth (elizabeth is his legal middle name of course)

Chapter 4

Chapter Summary

Step 1: Win the Cup.

Step 2: Get drunk.

Step 3: Karaoke.

Chapter Notes

what is the timeline on this, you ask? DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.

but it’s far enough in the future that there would presumably be new rookies other than the babies we know from tlg (they grow up so fast…….) so i made some rookies up. i’ve only had jonáš veselý and parker chen for a day and a half and they’re only in this for two seconds, but if anything happened to them, i would kill everyone in this room and then myself

anyway THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND KIND COMMENTS I LOVE YOU MUAH MUAH MUAH YOU’RE DOING INCREDIBLE THINGS FOR MY EGO. OKAY LET’S GO

Sportsnet ☑️
@Sportsnet
There you have it, hockey fans… the Ottawa Centaurs triumph 4-3 in OT over the LA Sovereigns! For the first time in franchise history, Ottawa takes home the cup🏆🏆🏆

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
THOSE AER MY FUCKING BOYYYYYYS

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
This is ??? The best day of my life????? And I’m literally married

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
DEMOCRACY WINS!!!!!!! THE ROYALS FALL!!!!!!!!

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @neverhollanover] ILYA ROZANOV THAT’S MY FUCKING PRESIDENT BABEYYYYYY

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @rozanovzy and @neverhollanover] PRESIDENT ILYA ROZANOV PRIME MINISTER SHANE HOLLANDER RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
You know they’re gonna be partying SO hard tonight….. I wish they were at home😭😭😭😭😭

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] same, but also if we had to suffer through a game 7 I think I would’ve died of hypertension

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] boss move to win the cup away though!!!!! should’ve been My Boys but if it had to be someone else…. i’m glad it was y’all❤️

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
oh my god GUYS. i have family in los angeles and my one cousin works at this noraebang in ktown. like one of those karaoke places with a whole bunch of rooms you know? AND I THINK THE CENS ARE THERE

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @24rozanov] WHAT???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN U THINK

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @roty24] my cousin doesn’t know ANYTHING about hockey but *thinks* there’s a pro hockey team there and they’re definitely celebrating lol. me and @81hollander have been sending her pics of players to see if she can identify anyone

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @24rozanov and @roty24] WE JUST GOT A POSITIVE ID ON BOOD AND A FIRM MAYBE ON TROY

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
[Replying to @24rozanov] What’s the name of the karaoke place👀

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @shilya2481] no.

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New posts from @/lapointeyyyy on IG stories:

Video 1:
[Caption: 🚨🚨🚨CAPS ARE FINALLY IN THE HOUSE📢📢📢]

[The full team, including Shane, Ilya, and a collection of WAGs, all in varying degrees of intoxication, jump around in a giant karaoke room and sing/scream All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled.]

Video 2:
[Caption: HOLLANDER IS DRINKIN BABY LFGGGG🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥]

[Shane, Ilya, Coach Wiebe, and Zane Boodram stand around a table loaded with bottles of soju.]

ILYA: No, Shane, the season is over. Your fucking macros or whatever don’t matter anymore. Get drunk with us or else I’m telling on you to Yuna.

SHANE: I am a grown man, Ilya, tattling to my mom is not going to—

ILYA: [gets out his phone] I am calling her now—

SHANE: Fine! One shot. And Wiebe does it with me.

WIEBE: [shrugs] Sure.

BOOD: FUCK yeah! Okay, Hollzy, I know you don’t really like the taste of strong stuff, but this soju shit is so good. There’s a whole bunch of flavors, which one do you want?

SHANE: Whichever one tastes the least like alcohol.

ILYA: Weak.

SHANE: Okay, sorry I wasn’t drinking Russian moonshine when I was eleven years old—

WIEBE: [to Bood, who’s already pouring] Peach, give him the peach.

[Bood hands out shots; they cheers and down the shots.]

SHANE: Oh shit, that’s pretty good actually.

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
oh god…. if they’re drinking soju? that shit is dangerous💀💀💀

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
i didn’t think it was possible for this night to get better and yet…….. here we fucking are

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Are we gonna get drunk!Shane Hollander? Oh my god……

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New posts from @/zane_boodram on IG stories:

Video 1:
[Karaoke mic in one hand, Ilya attempts to shove the second mic into Shane’s hands, but Shane pushes it away.]

ILYA: [singing] Uptown girl, she’s been livin’ in her uptown world. I bet she never had a backstreet guy. [points dramatically at Shane] I bet her Yuna never told her why… I’m gonna try for an—

[He holds the mic up to Shane’s mouth for him to finish the line. Shane just shakes his head, laughing.]

SHANE: Absolutely not.

ILYA: Boooooo!

Video 2:
[Ilya continues his impassioned performance, now with an equally-enthusiastic Wyatt Hayes on the second mic.]

HAZY: [singing] She’ll say I’m not so tough, just because I’m in love with a—

ILYA: [to the tune of Uptown Girl] Hollander!!!

[Ilya reaches for Shane again, but Shane just kicks him.]

SHANE: Oh my god, please stop.

HAZY: [singing] As long as anyone with hot blood can—

ILYA & HAZY: [singing] And now she’s looking for a downtown man…

ILYA: [directly into Shane’s ear, way too enthusiastically] That’s what I am.

SHANE: Ew, Ilya, you just SPIT in my ear!

ILYA: Is my spit of love!

HAZY: [belting for his life] MY UPTOWN GIIIIIIIRL!!!

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/nhchouinard on IG stories:

Video:
[Holmberg, LaPointe, and Young huddle around a single karaoke mic and play a weird game of hot potato relay where they each only sing one word.]

HOLMBERG: I—

LAPOINTE: JUST—

YOUNG: CAN’T—

HOLMBERG: LOOK—

LAPOINTE: IT’S—

YOUNG: KILLING—

HOLMBERG: ME—

LAPOINTE: AND—

YOUNG: IT’S—

HOLMBERG: TAKING—

LAPOINTE: CONTROL!!!!!!

YOUNG: JEALOUSY—

HOLMBERG: TURNING—

LAPOINTE: SAINTS—

YOUNG: INTO—

HOLMBERG: THE SEA—

YOUNG: Hey, no! You fucked it up! That was two words!

HOLMBERG: Shit.

LAPOINTE: [singing] BUT IT’S JUST THE PRICE I PAY!!!!

HAZY: [off camera] Were they even alive when this came out?

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
MR. BRIGHTSIDE??? fucking taste

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
For those keeping track at home: yes, the three of them were alive when Mr. Brightside came out, but they were definitely still shitting in diapers at the time😂😂😂

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: Heartbreak for Roz as the karaoke place doesn’t have….. O Canada?🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦]

[Ilya angrily scrolls through the karaoke song selection under the letter O.]

ILYA: I thought this was a free country?? And yet no O Canada???

SHANE: Well, we’re not IN Canada, so…?

ILYA: This is devastating. Canadaphobic. You do not know any other songs except this one, how am I supposed to find another song you know????

SHANE: Hey, I know Sweet Caroline, they just already did it before we got here!

ILYA: [laughing] Of course you know this song.

SHANE: What’s that supposed to mean? My dad had a Neil Diamond CD, he used to play it in the car.

JONÁŠ VESELÝ: [off camera] You guys used CDs?? I knew you were old, but I didn’t know you were that— [unidentified object flies through the air in the general direction of his voice, video abruptly cuts off]

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Vesely, on the other hand? Absolutely not alive when Mr. Brightside came out lmao

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
iM TRYING TO GET JIWONNIE TO MAKE HER COUSIN ADD O CANADA TO THE SYSTEM AT THE KARAOKE PLACE BUT SHE SAYS THATS AN ABUSE OF POWER????

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander] she’s worked there for like 3 months, she doesn’t have the authority to add random songs!!!!

jords
@rozanovzy
IF YOURE IN LINE FOR O CANADA, STAY! IN! LINE!

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hockey_holmesy on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: CAN SOME1 PLZ GE T THIS MANOFF THE AUX]

[An absolutely plastered Evan Dykstra on the mic as a country tune plays.]

EVAN DYKSTRA: [singing] Grandpappy told my pappy back in my day son, a man had to answer for the wicked that he’s done. Take all the rope in Texas, find a tall oak tree— [suddenly stops singing and frowns]

CAITLIN DYKSTRA: Babe? You okay?

EVAN DYKSTRA: That’s lynching, Cait. That’s bad. I only wanted to sing the song because giving beer to horses is so silly, but I forgot about that line and now I’m sad.

CAITLIN DYKSTRA: You don’t have to finish the song then, baby. Why don’t we just queue up another? Something just as silly.

EVAN DYKSTRA: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?

CAITLIN DYKSTRA: Mmm, maybe something else.

EVAN DYKSTRA: Oh god you’re right, that song OBJECTIFIES WOMEN. I’M SO HORRIBLE, I’M THE WORST— [video cuts off]

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Help omg someone pls get Dykstra some water😭😭😭

bee
@roty24
for that, ladies and gents…..evan dykstra has now officially joined the cens pookie line🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

jords
@rozanovzy
okay so i understand now why they all say dykstra should never be on aux

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hockey_holmesy on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: MUHC BETTER THANK U CAILTYN UR T HE REAL OG 💪🏼🔥]

[Evan and Caitlin jump around the mic and laugh hysterically as they sing along to Shania Twain.]

EVAN & CAITLIN: [singing] Up, up, up, can only go up from here… Up, up, up, up where the clouds gonna clear.

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/lucahaasofficial on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: man….. @drover_harris really is good at everything huh]

[Harris stands in the center of the room, holding the karaoke mic in the same hand as a hockey stick to create a faux mic stand. He sings a sensual rendition of a Fabian Salah number that has the entire room enraptured. For his part, Troy watches on, equal parts embarrassed and turned on.]

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
WHEREH DID THE FUCKIGN HOCKEY STICK COME FROM? ????

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @81hollander] a quality social media guy is always prepared✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
FUCK. man harris is usually behind the camera so i forgot how hot he is. troy barrett you lucky man………..

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander] you’re literally a lesbian???

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @samwichbred] and???? can’t a girl browse the merchandise without having any urge to make a purchase??? #yum

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander] jiwon @24rozanov pls control your gf

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @samwichbred] no can do. i support women’s rights and wrongs🥰🥰🥰

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/caitlindykk on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: YYEEESSSSSS BOYYYYS]

[Ilya and Bood do a rousing rendition of I Don’t Dance from High School Musical 2. They clearly do not know the choreography, but they attempt it anyway. Shane watches on in alarm. Next to him, Cassie Boodram nudges him and vibes along, laughing.]

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Oh Roz is EATING that. He was not fucking around with his love of Hsm huh

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
I DONT DANCE!!!!!! I KNOW YOU CAN!!!!!

jords
@rozanovzy
unfortunately this only made him hotter to me, i fear

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/lapointeyyyy on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: 🚬🌿💨 4️⃣2️⃣0️⃣ 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼]

[Holmberg, LaPointe, and Young huddle around a small table on the sidewalk outside the karaoke place. Behind the camera, LaPointe points his phone at the surface of the table, where Holmberg is making a very sad attempt at rolling a blunt. It’s not going well.]

LAPOINTE: Dude, I thought you said you’d done this before?

HOLMBERG: Okay, so maybe my sister did it for me. But I’ve seen people do it a whole bunch of times, it can’t be that hard—

YOUNG: Man, this is why I only buy pre-rolls. This shit’s harder than it looks.

[In the background, we hear a door open and close.]

ILYA: [off camera] Are you babies getting into trouble? Shane is afraid you are doing crystal meth you found off the ground or something.

YOUNG: Nah, course not. My mom taught me to never do drugs you have to inject.

LAPOINTE: You don’t inject crystal meth, dipshit.

YOUNG: Huh? Yeah you do.

LAPOINTE: It’s crystals. How the fuck are you supposed to inject yourself with a rock?

YOUNG: I dunno, with a needle?

[Ilya steps into frame. He peers at Holmberg, who is still making a very valiant but ultimately fruitless effort at rolling his blunt.]

ILYA: Holmby. Bergy. My child. What is this?

HOLMBERG: Uhhh… a blunt?

ILYA: No, this is no blunt. This is loose weed and the most suspicious-looking rolling papers I have ever seen. Move over, kid. Let me show you how the real adults do it.

[Ilya shoulders Holmberg aside. He takes over and immediately rolls the most expert blunt the world has ever seen.]

HOLMBERG: Damn. You gotta teach me how to do that.

ILYA: Who has lighter? I deserve the first hit for that.

jords
@rozanovzy
I FUCKING KNEW IT. I KNEW THAT MAN KNEW BUD

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
hey so uh….. roz……. if u ever wanna smoke together…………. gimme a call haha thanks

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
Tbh I’m kinda surprised Shane lets Ilya smoke weed🫣🫣🫣 #strict

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @shilya2481] baby shane’s his husband, not his mother

Steve Modrin
@moddysports11
I can take some drinking…. but weed? Really? These guys are supposed to be role models

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @moddysports11] it is 100% legal in los angeles. unclench and pull ur panties out of your ass steve

Steve Modrin
@moddysports11
[Replying to @neverhollanover] Why does it matter if it’s legal in LA?🙄

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @moddysports11] BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE THEY ARE??? STEVE???? DO YOU DRINK NUCLEAR WASTE OR WHAT

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @moddysports11] sir they signed up to play death blade puck stick punching sport, not to be mr rogers

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
so are we gonna address the argument abt whether it's possible to shoot up crystal meth or nah

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @24rozanov] well..... at least we can be confident they're not doing meth👍🏻

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: What is happening??????]

[Luca Haas on the mic this time, spitting bars over a trap beat with traditional Korean instrumentation.]

HAAS: [rapping] Daechwita daechwita, ja ullyeora daechwita. Daechwita daechwita, ja ullyeora daechwita.

[The door to the karaoke room swings open and Ilya and the smokers come tumbling back in. They almost immediately join the rest of the room in dropping their jaws to the floor.]

HOLMBERG: … what the fuck?

YOUNG: He’s rapping in a whole other language for you guys too, right?

SHANE: [snorts] Yup.

HAAS: [rapping, unfazed] Hantanghaemeokgo gotbaro nan jeonsegiro nara. Nareul damgien i naran ajik yeojeonhi jaga, yeah—

LAPOINTE: Haas, how do you know perfect fuckin’... what language is that, even?

ILYA: Oh, it’s Korean. You do not know this song?

NICK CHOUINARD: You DO?

ILYA: Oh, you have to watch this music video, is so good— [video cuts off]

bee
@roty24
I AM DECESAED, GOOODBYE

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
LUCA HAAS WITH THE PERFECT KOREAN EXAAAAACTLY THAT’S MY POLYGLOT

just a samwich
@samwichbred
yo @24rozanov pls confirm how good homie’s korean actually is

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @samwichbred] honestly his pronunciation isn’t terrible but that’s definitely not perfect. they’re all just drunk and don’t know korean😂😂😂

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: I think cap felt threatened by @lucahaasofficial’s rapping?]

[Ilya alone in the center of the room, going absolutely ham to a late 2000s Russian rap track. He’s honestly pretty good.]

ILYA: [rapping] Pokorit' mir, kak yego pokoril Bakh. Vidit Bog, v zalakh ne budet pusto. Ty ne ustal? Eto Kasta, chuvstvuy!

ILYA: [rapping] Vokrug shum. Pust' tak. Ne kipishuy. Vso nishtyak. Vokrug shum.

CHOUINARD: [off camera] They don’t have O Canada but they have this?

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
sadfsdfsdf for everyone asking, i recognize the song but i can’t remember what it’s called or who it’s by, i’m checking with my cousin who’s a little closer to roz’s age and will report back🫡🫡🫡

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @whenwheelsfly] you’re doing the lord’s work alina🙏

jords
@rozanovzy
of course he can rap. of fucking course he can. i’m gonna pass out

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
why is this song lowkey a banger though

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
OKAY UPDATE! according to my cousin (ty katya😘) the song he’s singing was a staple in the clubs she frequented in moscow in like 2008-09 lol. it’s called вокруг шум (vokrug shum) by kasta

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
ilya rozanov going ham to a late aughts moscow club banger? fork found in kitchen

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/zane_boodram on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: EVERYONE LOCK IN HAAS IS UP NEXT AGAIN. WHAT NEW TALENTS WILL HE REVEAL THIS TIME?????]

[In the background, Ilya finishes his Russian rap performance. In the foreground, Luca scrolls the song options.]

LUCA HAAS: [muttering to self] Si hend gar kei Eurovision Lieder? Echt? Was für es Karaokezimmer isch das??

CHOUINARD: Haasy, what are you queuing?

HAAS: [annoyed] Dunno yet.

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/doc.lisa on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: Go baby Haas go!!!!]

[Luca Haas sings a German hip hop song with a Bollywood sample in the instrumental.]

HAAS: [rapping] Sie dachten echt ihre Scheiße hält ewig. Ich zeig den Kleinen Monopoly, doch sie verstehn's nicht. Ein 100€ Schein? Was soll das sein? Wieso soll ich dir was wegnehm' wenn wir alles teilen?

BOOD: [acting as hypeman] AYYYYYYY!!!!

HAZY: [looks up from his phone to his wife Lisa, who’s behind the camera] I looked up the translation to these lyrics and damn… This goes kinda hard.

HAAS: [singing] Und wir singen im Atomschutzbunker, Hurra, diese Welt geht unter! Hurra, diese Welt geht unter! Auf den Trümmern das Paradies…

HAZY: Speak on it, comrade!

Hanna Graf 🏃🏻‍♀️
@hannalaeuft
My bf just shoved his phone in my face to ask me about this song (I’m German) and all I can say is I’m extremely confused by the song selection at this karaoke place🤣🤣🤣

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
[Replying to @hannalaeuft] HELP what is the song about??

Hanna Graf 🏃🏻‍♀️
@hannalaeuft
[Replying to @shilya2481] it’s basically an anachro-communist anthem🤣 I used to hear it on the radio sometimes when I was like 12

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
HELL YEAH SPEAK ON IT COMRADE

Grey
@grey4cens
We’re seeing a whole new side of Luca tonight and honestly I’m obsessed with it

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/caitlindykk on IG stories:

Video:
[Nick Chouinard on the mic, butchering Love Story by Taylor Swift with gusto. In the background, Ilya, Bood, and Dykstra sway together and act as Chouinard’s Greek chorus. None of them are particularly on key.]

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
cens swifties……… yes exactly…………….

Grey
@grey4cens
Man are they bad at singing😂😂😂😂

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hockey_holmesy on IG stories:

Video:
[Shaky selfie video of Holmberg, LaPointe, Young, and Boyle doing soju shots.]

ILYA: [off camera] Who will sing Poker Face with me?

PARKER CHEN: [off camera] Can we please do something from my lifetime?

ILYA: [off camera] Sit down, rook, you can’t even drive. I don’t wanna hear shit about your lifet— [video cuts off]

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New posts from @/zane_boodram, @/hockey_holmesy, @/youngmantheresnoneedtofeeldown, and @/nhchouinard on IG stories:

Videos:
[Multiple videos from several angles of Coach Wiebe absolutely EATING Nissan Altima by Doechii. In the background his wife hypes him up, miming throwing money at him.]

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
man he didn’t even stumble over any of the n word censorship that he had to do…… AND he ate that whole thing? he’s definitely done this before lolllllllll

jords
@rozanovzy
COACH WINS IM SO SORRY BABY LUCA IM SORRY ROZ BUT COACH JUST WIPED THE FLOOR WITH YOUR ASSES

just a samwich
@samwichbred
COACH??? oh my god

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
wiebe’s got TASTE🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻 in more ways than one bc wow his wife is hot?????

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/lapointeyyyy on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: NA NA NA NA NARLEY]

[Jonáš Veselý and Parker Chen each hold a mic and go wild to Katseye. Truly full send. Bood, Chouinard, Shane, and Ilya are visible sitting in the foreground.]

PARKER: [singing] Oh my god, this song’s so lit, congratulations.

JONÁŠ: [singing] Now you be like, gang.

JONÁŠ & PARKER: [singing] GANG GANG GANG GANG GANG!!

CHOUINARD: What in the actual fuck is this?

BOOD: Oh, you’ve never heard Gnarly? My nieces love it.

CHOUINARD: This is an affront to the senses.

BOOD: I’m gonna be so honest, it really grows on you.

[The rookies make an attempt at doing the choreography. They’re not very good, but the enthusiasm is admirable.]

JONÁŠ & PARKER: [screaming] HOTTIE HOTTIE! LIKE A BAG OF TAKIS, I’M THE SHIT!

ILYA: Oh my god. This is the best thing I have ever heard.

[Ilya very intently reads along with the lyrics on the screen, his head bopping along.]

SHANE: Fuck, I’m gonna be hearing this every day now, aren’t I?

ILYA: [singing directly into Shane’s face] I'M THE SHIT!!!! I’M THE SHIT!!!!!

jords
@rozanovzy
ilya rozanov you would love megan skiendiel. in this essay i will—

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
HOTTIE HOTTTTTIIEEEEEE LIKE A BAG OF TAKIS 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/nhchouinard on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: considered keeping this in my back pocket as black mail but man. its too good. every1 plz enjoy @tt_barrett_fwd hittin the celine😎😎]

[Troy on the mic, notably drunker than before and well into emo drunk mode. He’s reaching out to and clearly attempting to serenade Harris, who’s sitting nearby. Harris, though a little flushed, watches adoringly.]

TROY: The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me… I can barely recall but it’s all coming back to me nowwwwww—

SHANE: [off camera] My god, how long IS this song???

HAZY: [off camera] Oh, we’re gonna be here for a while yet. Strap in, buddy.

SHANE: [off camera] I need another shot.

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
the final stage of troy barrett redemption arc is upon us, ladies and gentlemen……… and lord almighty is it beautiful

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
is someone keeping an eye on shane, he keeps drinking but he has the tolerance of a toaster😂😭😂😭😂😭

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] Idk how much tolerance a toaster actually has but in any case I think you’re still overshooting reality. Poor man is such a lightweight

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/caitlindykk on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: sorry am i intruding on something orrrrr?]

[A pop song blares from the speakers. Karaoke mic in hand, Ilya chases Shane around the room, trying to sing to his embarrassed husband despite Shane’s attempts to escape. Ilya ends up on his knees, looking up at Shane like the down-bad walked dog he is.]

ILYA: [singing] I told her I’m from… [pauses] Russia, I know a thing or two ‘bout rodeo. I think we almost made a baby—

SHANE: Oh my god, Ilya—

ILYA: [singing] I mean we can’t, but we came so close…

[There’s raucous laughter from the room as Shane literally tries to run away, but Ilya grabs him by the back of his thighs and holds him in place.]

ILYA: [singing] You’re gonna kill me if you kiss it like that, no I don’t mind a little disrespect. Talking is boring, let me pull your hair back—

[Shane grabs Ilya by the hair and tries to push him away, but Ilya just lights up and reels back in. Shane stops resisting but leaves his hand in Ilya’s hair, and with Ilya on his knees in front of him it is… far more sexy than it has any right to be, given the rainbow light-up mic in Ilya’s hand and the combined inebriation level of the two of them.]

ILYA: Yes exactly, Hollander, just like that—

SHANE: [looking like he wants to eat Ilya whole] Fuck off.

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
There’s probably a way to make this about freckles but I can’t even right now bc all I can think of is the image of Sh*ne holding I*ya by the hair and looking down at him like That………….. that was so hot I’m gonna dieasdljfsal;dfjasl;dk

Kyle
@kyle_g17
That clip just came across my feed on accident and uh….. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] “on accident”

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] I TOLD YOU IM NOT GAY

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] I didn’t even bring it up this time man, at this point you’re just telling on yourself😂😂😂😂

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
while we’re on the topic of renee rapp, why do i feel like shy is SUCH a hollanov song bc publicly shane is such a polite shy little good boy but we all know behind closed doors he’s a secret frea— [i am yanked offstage with a cane]

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] YOURE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New posts from @/zane_boodram, @/hazywyatt, @/lapointeyyyy, and @/caitlindykk, on IG stories:

Videos 1, 2, and 3:
[Various shots of Shane, now clearly drunk, gripping the karaoke mic like his life depends on it and putting on the show of a lifetime. There are more angles of this than the Kennedy assassination.]

SHANE: [singing] Won't make my mama proud, it's gonna cause a scene… She sees her baby girl, I know she's gonna scream, goddddd, what have you done? You’re a pink pony girl—

[Shane approaches Ilya and tries to grab him by the chin. When Ilya attempts to evade him just to be a nuisance, Shane gives him a love-smack on the cheek.]

SHANE: [obnoxiously over-enunciating] And you DANCE at the club, oh mama… I’m just having fun, on the stage in my heels—

ILYA: I’d like to see you in heels. Would make your ass look gr—

BOOD: LET THE MAN SING!

SHANE: [somehow singing and giggling at the same time] Pink Pony Club! I'm gonna keep on dancing at the Pink Pony Club, Pink Pony Club.

Video 4:
[The whole room hypes Shane up as he approaches the outro of the song.]

SHANE: [singing] I’m gonna keep on dancing…

[Ilya looks at Shane with the most loving, puppy-like eyes anyone has ever seen. Shane reaches his hand out, and Ilya grabs it without hesitation, moving towards Shane as if drawn by a magnet.]

[Once he’s close enough, Ilya rests his hands around Shane’s waist. Shane, clearly afflicted with a terminal case of moony-eyed tunnel vision and blissfully ignorant of anything in the room that isn’t Ilya, melts into his touch with a soft smile. Ilya leans in, then hesitates slightly — but when Shane leans in to meet him, he bridges the distance and meets Shane’s lips in a sweet kiss. Someone off-camera “aww”s.]

[After a moment, Shane pulls away with his nose scrunched up.]

SHANE: [making a face] Ew. You taste like weed.

[Everyone bursts out laughing. Ilya just grins and kisses Shane again. Shane doesn’t resist.]

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
SHAEN OHLLLADNER KARAOKE THIS IS NOT FUCKIGN REAL IVE DIED AND THIS IS HEAVEN

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander] no i think it’s real, you’ve committed too much sodomy to make it to heaven

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @samwichbred] THEN I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING BOTH YOU AND HOLLANOV IN HELL. IT’LL BE A FUCKIN PARTY DOWN THERE

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander and @samwichbred] us in hell 🥳🔥🕺🏻😈

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
hollanov lesbians: canon

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] god don’t even put that image in my mind…… the things i would do to shane hollander with a strap……

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] even if he wasn’t whipped as fuck for Roz, he is SO gay, you don’t have a shot in hell😂😂😂

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @horseman12] LET A GIRL DREAM WOULD YOU

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New posts from @/doc.lisa and @/youngmantheresnoneedtofeeldown on IG stories:

Video 1:
[Ilya jumps up on the table with mic in hand as a pop country song starts up. He’s acquired a cowboy hat from somewhere. It’s unclear where.]

ILYA: [singing] Ain't got antlers on my walls, but I sure know mating calls from the stalls in the bars on a Friday night. And other boys may need a map, but I can close my eyes and — [points at a rapidly reddening Shane] — have you wrapped around my fingers like that.

[Bood whoops and pushes Shane towards Ilya. It only serves to make him blush harder. Ilya drops to his knees on the table so he’s closer to eye height with Shane, though he still has a good several inches on him.]

ILYA: [singing] So, baby, when you need the job done… you can call me, baby.

[Ilya grabs Shane by the back of his head and pulls him towards his crotch. Shane shoves Ilya in return, sending him toppling over on the table and into a fit of absolutely giddy giggles.]

Video 2:
[Back on solid ground, Ilya is once again following Shane around like a walked dog. He grabs Shane by the hip and pulls him close, his front to Shane’s back as he sings into his ear.]

ILYA: [singing] 'Cause you ain't gotta tell me, it's just in my nature. So take it like a taker — [thrusts into Shane’s ass] — 'cause, baby, I'm a giver.

[Someone off-camera wolf whistles. Shane is basically a tomato at this point, but he’s clearly too into it to resist now.]

ILYA: [singing] Ain't no need to hurry, ‘cause, baby, I deliver. Ain't no country boy quitter… I get the job done. I get the job done!

[Suddenly, Ilya yanks on Shane’s hand and turns them so they’re face to face. He holds up an arm, clearly indicating that Shane should take hold and spin underneath it. Shane refuses to make eye contact, but he can’t hide his smile as he acquiesces and lets Ilya spin him around.]

[After Shane has done a full 360, Ilya manhandles him until their roles are reversed and his back is to Shane’s front. He grinds unapologetically on his husband. It gets dirty quickly, however, and after only a moment Harris is stepping in and pulling them apart like a prom chaperone.]

HARRIS: OOKAYYY, LET’S KEEP THIS PG-13 PLEASE.

[Ilya allows Harris to separate them, but immediately glues himself back to Shane’s side and rests his chin on Shane’s shoulder with a grin like the cat caught the cream. He is enjoying this way too much. Shane is far enough gone that he just pets Ilya’s hair absently.]

HAZY: [off camera] Yeah, there are kids here!

HAAS: [indignant] You cannot keep calling me a kid, oh my god—

[Bood wraps his arm around Parker Chen’s neck in a way that’s meant to be friendly, but in his inebriated state is coming across a bit threatening. It looks like the poor rook’s head is about to explode from the pressure.]

BOOD: Think of poor Chen’s young, innocent eyes, he hasn’t even heard the birds and the bees talk yet!

PARKER: What the hell, why come after me but not Jonáš?

BOOD: Uh, because he’s from Eastern Europe, where it’s cold and dark and there’s nothing to do but fuck—

ILYA: True.

BOOD: —and you’re from UTAH?

[Parker splutters, indignant.]

TROY: Maybe he’s an experienced soaker, you never know—

[The entire room — barring Parker, whose jaw still remains on the ground — breaks out in riotous laughter.]

jords
@rozanovzy
ILYA ELIZABETH ROZANOV WITH THE SAPPHIC ANTHEM YEYAHELDZKSFJAL;DKSFJXLDASKASKL;DJDSKL;SAJ;LKAWDFJLKD;SZ

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
[Replying to @rozanovzy] His middle name isn’t Elizabeth?

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @shilya2481] yes it is🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
AND WHEN WILL A LOVE LIKE THAT FIND ME???? I WANT TO BE GRINDING SOMEWHAT INAPPROPRIATELY ON THE LOVE OF MY LIFE PLASTERED OUT OF MY MIND AT A KARAOKE PLACE STRAIGHT OFF A STANLEY CUP WIN, THE FUCK

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
barrett was so out of pocket for that soaking comment……. i would Die for him.

Grey
@grey4cens
Fuck man remember when I was just here for the puck? And now I’m sitting here rewatching videos of these fucking gays (/fond) singing gay songs at at each other and going “they🥹”

STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼️Cens Social Updates
@censsocialupdates
New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories:

Video:
[Caption: Some got a 2nd wind and demanded an Aerosmith palate cleanser. Others,… well, they got the job done]

[A group huddles around the two mics, screaming along to I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing at the top of their lungs. Someone is probably going to lose their hearing.]

[Pan to Shane and Ilya cuddled up in the booth, legs tangled up. Shane’s head rests on Ilya’s shoulder, and Ilya leans back into him like he’s kissing Shane’s hair. Despite the hullaballoo around them, they’re both fast asleep.]

bee
@roty24
awww not them partying too hard and crashing before they can even have celebratory cup sex😂😂😂

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] I mean……. it seems like they WERE quite fashionably late to karaoke…….. I’m just saying✋😳🤚

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @shilya2481] didn’t they stay later than the rest for press?

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] not THAT late lmao. And oomf just pointed out that they had both changed clothes between press and karaoke but no one else had…….😜😏

–-----

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
I woke up dreading this presentation I have to give today but then I remembered…… WE’RE STANLEY CUP FUCKING CHAMPIONS BABY NOTHIN CAN DRAG ME DOWN RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
GOOD MORNING TO THE FOUR-TIME CUP-WINNING SHANE HOLLANDER FRECKLES AND TO FOUR-TIME CUP-WINNING SHANE HOLLANDER FRECKLES ONLY

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Okay now that I’M no longer drunk I just rewatched all those vids and man…. how much did Hollander drink😂😂😂😂😂

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @horseman12] he does not remember. with my own eyes I think I saw him take maybe 3 shots max…… but we cannot all have the tolerance of strong Russian men😔

Hayden Pike ☑️
@pikehayd_
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] good god please make sure he drinks water, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that drunk before😅

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @pikehayd_] just because you are a bad husband who does not take care of your wife does not mean we all are, Pike. do not worry, I have already given him water and painkillers and sleepy blowjob😏😏😏😏

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ILYA ROZANOV WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT DISCUSSING SEX ACTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @drover_harris] ah, you said not to do this during the season. season is over. too bad so sad for Harris!

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Fine. I’ll just call in the big dogs then. Hey @shanehollanderhockeyplayer look what your husband said about you on main

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @drover_harris] no shhhhh he is sleeping after very good blowjob I gave him. our Stanley Cup MVP needs his beauty rest. do not wake him up with notifications

bee
@roty24
shane is going to THROTTLE him when he wakes up😭😭😭😭😭

just a samwich
@samwichbred
harris……. harris youre in my thoughts and prayers man

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
NOT HARRIS TATTLING TO SHANE ASLDFJASDFL;KJSDFLJ

jords
@rozanovzy
ilya elizabeth rozanov throat goat yktr✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿

Grey
@grey4cens
With how well Hollander played last night…….. man Rozanov BETTER have given him a blowjob for the ages

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] Okay but how good can a blowie really be if the giver is sleepy…….

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @kyle_g17] sorry I was not clear. Shane was sleepy. I was locked in

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Fuck….. okay in that case that’s a need for me tbh

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] From a man? Or….?

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] LEAVE ME ALONE

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
“I WAS LOCKED IN” SKDHSKDJAJDJ

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] which one of the kids taught him that💀💀💀💀

Jackie
@pikejacks_
Hey! @ilyarozanov81 Hayd takes very good care of me☺️

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @pikejacks_] did he put you up to this? is okay Jackie, I know your loser husband has done Stockholm Syndrome on you………. someday I will finally make you see the light and you will be free………

Hayden Pike ☑️
@pikehayd_
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] STAY AWAY FROM HER

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @pikehayd_] sorry, no can do! me and your wife are getting brunch next week at the place with Dutch babies

Hayden Pike ☑️
@pikehayd_
[Replying to @pikejacks_ and @ilyarozanov81] WITHOUT ME???? ET TU, JACKIE??????

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @pikehayd_] oooooh what is this literary reference from Pike? did you finally learn to read? the twins teach you?

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Stop terrorizing Hayden and come back to bed

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] one minute sweetheart I am making your smoothie

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I fucking love you

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
COUPLE GOALS FOR REAL

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
ilya down bad rozanov strikes again

Amrit
@bostonbearder
Man rozanov was such a playboy when he was in Boston, seeing him be whipped as hell out in the open is giving me actual whiplash

Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!!
@shilya2481
[Replying to @bostonbearder] JOIN THE DARK SIDE AMRIT

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
is shane seriously gonna let him get away with the blowjob comment….?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @barrettredemptionarc] it was a very good blowjob, and he is in a good mood. and he loves me. I can get away with anything😉

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I WAS gonna let it go because I'm very generous, but now that you've made this insane claim? Never mind. No more kisses until you apologize to Harris for the headache you gave him this morning

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] I do not think it is insane to say you love me. you tell me this all the time

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] You KNOW that’s not what I meant. If I really let you get away with anything you’d probably have a photorealistic drawing of my dick tattooed on your forehead or something.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no of course not, the rest of the world does not need to see your dick. that is for me and only me. your name on my forehead, however……. this is good idea

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] NO.

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Roz’s turn from biggest fuckboy in the league to willing to tattoo his husband’s name on his forehead….. admirable tbh

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] THEE loverboy of all time🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
i think he’s onto something?? @24rozanov LET’S TATTOO EACH OTHERS NAMES ONTO OUR FOREHEADS

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander] i love you so much, bailey. but absolutely not.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
Hello everyone this is my public apology to @drover_harris for telling the internet that I had given my husband @shanehollanderhockeyplayer a very good blowjob. This was wrong to tell you all, even though it was true. Next time I give my husband head I will tell you personally instead of posting on the internet. Will probably be soon so please prepare emotionally👍

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ?????? This is not what I meant, Ilya

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] @ottawacentaurs @CensGM I QUIT

Mackenzie Ouellette ☑️
@CensGM
[Replying to @drover_harris] Resignation denied. Counter: we give you a pay raise instead? We can negotiate terms next week.

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @CensGM] ….. Deal.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @drover_harris] you are welcome Harris!!!! all thanks to me. also your hard work and expertise or whatever, but mostly me🥰🥰🥰 and my so good blowjob skills!!

Chapter End Notes

I have pretty good German but I don’t know Swiss German so if there are any errors with Luca’s dialogue please blame the internet (but also let me know and I will fix lol). Also, I seriously considered making his handle be some sort of play on Luca Haas-ckey but opted not too bc he’s Very Serious about his game but still. Telling you all bc it made me giggle

A full list of songs they karaoke’d:
All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled
Uptown Girl by Billy Joel
Mr. Brightside by The Killers
Beer For My Horses by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson
Up! by Shania Twain
[nonexistent Fabian Salah song. season 2 come through]
I Don’t Dance from High School Musical 2
대취타 (Daechwita) by Agust D
Вокруг шум (Vokrug shum) by Kasta
Hurra die Welt geht unter by K.I.Z. and Henning May
Love Story by Taylor Swift
Nissan Altima by Doechii
Gnarly by Katseye
It’s All Coming Back to Me Now by Celine Dion
Kiss It Kiss It by Renee Rapp
Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan
The Giver by Chappell Roan
I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

Other songs mentioned but not performed:
O Canada by the entire country of Canada
Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
I didn’t note what specific Eurovision song Luca was initially looking for, but in my heart it was Europapa by Joost
Poker Face by Lady Gaga
Shy by Renee Rapp

Thank you to hufflepuff_from_canada for the putting together the Spotify playlist here!!!

marking this complete bc i don't currently have any more chapters planned, but that's not to say i will never add any more! this fic is in the hands of quinn hughes' ghosts now. nvm fuck that guy and his ghosts. it's in the trustworthy, gentle hands of aerin frankel and there's probably another chapter coming so🤷🏻‍♀️ shoutout women

i'm on twitter under ilya's legal name @ilyaelizabeth

Chapter 5

Chapter Summary

Surely no one would be dumb enough to bug a locker room to try to catch opponents "cheating" only to uncover the real scandal: Shane Hollander not understanding the concept of your sex life with your long-term partner getting stale.

Surely... no one would..... be so dumb as to....... fuck, the Montreal Voyageurs breached containment again didn't they

Chapter Notes

Me at the end of last chap: This may be the last one!
Me now, rolling up two months later with a new chapter twice as long as any of the previous ones: hahahaah heeeeeyyyyy guys

Hehe anyway. A NEW BOMBSHELL ENTERS THE VILLA: @kathboyersports. (I know things generally about sports but I’m not a hockey expert, so if anything abt her analysis feels a bit off….. Listen we’re all doing our best here)

My new bby rooks are not in this chapter bc their youthful ears must be protected from such scandalous talk…… but I did invent a new trade for plot reasons, everyone say hiiii Candy!!!!!!

And finally: this chapter revolves around a pretty significant breach of privacy. This is Happyland and the only thing that really gets hurt here is poor Tanner Dillon’s pride (RIP buddy), but you have been warned.

Montreal Gazette ☑️
@mtlgazette
EXCLUSIVE: The Montreal Gazette has verified a whistleblower claim that in last month’s home game matchup against the Ottawa Centaurs, a member of the Montreal Voyageurs’ staff planted a bug in the away team’s locker room that captured both audio and video. Our fact-checking team has viewed this footage and determined it to be genuine.

The anonymous whistleblower believes that this was placed in an attempt to catch Ottawa “cheating”. This was not the work of a rogue actor, the whistleblower alleges, with permission to carry out the operation coming from “high up” in the organization. Follow the developing story: bit.ly/3QAuTOn

bee
@roty24
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Grey
@grey4cens
Jesus fuck?????? Is this the fucking Bad Place????????

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
In the LOCKER ROOM?????? With VIDEO??????

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
my dearest darling jiwonnie told me i wasn’t allowed to tweet what i wanted to tweet because it’s a “crime” and i might get “arrested” for it, but please know that i am flaming mad. so mad that i’m not even using caps at all. that’s how mad i, bailey all caps, am.

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander] thank u, bails☺️i’m so pissed rn and i think having to bail you out would be my breaking point☺️

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @81hollander and @24rozanov] somehow i think those emojis are scarier than bailey’s threatening lack of capitalization???

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
i hate this team i hate this team i hate this team i hate this team i hate this team BEING INVESTED IN THIS EVIL TEAM IS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse] at this point i’d rather i was born a toronto fan. i’m so serious

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @justiceformiity] oh no franci…… that’s SO dire……..…. but like i get it

OutSports Canada
@outsportscan
Opinion: We’ve been hearing about the supposed “danger” of trans athletes in gendered washrooms and locker rooms for years. Turns out, the real predator is the cisgender leadership of the Montreal Voyageurs. https://bit.ly/4ei7pHJ

Twitter Trends Tracker
@yourtwttrends
NOW TRENDING IN NORTH AMERICA:
#NHL
Locker room
Bugged
Montreal Voyageurs
Ottawa Centaurs
#TheriaultResign
HOLY SHIT
Cheating scandal

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
my uncle in moscow just messaged me asking what’s going on????? i was on midterms lockdown so he literally found out before i did, this is crazy

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
@ACLU HELP

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying to @shilya2481] both teams are Canadian…? Tf is the ACLU gonna do?

Kathy Boyer
@kathboyersports
I’ve been a Montreal sports reporter for almost 30 years now, and I have NEVER seen a scandal like this. But moral and ethical implications aside (of which there are many, and many reporters more knowledgeable than me on such legal matters are already diving into), it completely baffles me that the Voyageurs thought that the reason they’ve been getting their asses handed to them by the Centaurs all season could have anything at all to do with cheating. The utter hubris.

Over the years I’ve worked closely with any number of Voyageurs representatives, and most of them have been lovely, kind individuals. These are the sort of people to whom the concept of bugging an opponent’s locker room — capturing even audio, much less video — would not even cross their mind. Not just because it’s illegal under Quebec law, not just because it’s illegal under the NHL rulebook, but also because it’s morally reprehensible.

However, many of those lovely, kind Montreal staff members have also left the organization in the last 18 months. To quote one veteran of the press team: for many, the culture has become “unbearable”. In the absence of these recently-departed staff members, the organization left in the hands of those who have no qualms with an increasingly toxic culture, it’s no wonder that a scandal like this has happened — though I have to admit, this is worse than I ever could have imagined.

This is a scandal which has, in just a few short hours, already drawn the attention of the general public. To those unfamiliar with the game, I would like to emphasize that hockey is not a sport in which in-game cheating on a player or even coach level is particularly useful. The fluid nature of the game and the lack of concrete plays means that over the years, we’ve seen far more cheating scandals in sports such as baseball and football, where signs and signals can be stolen. Most in-game cheating allegations in hockey revolve around rigged reffing, which would certainly not be exposed in the pre-game banter of a team’s locker room.

I would also like to be clear that both in the run-up to as well as in the wake of this bugging scandal thus far, I have not so much heard a rumor of, much less found any credibility to, any cheating allegations against the Ottawa Centaurs. This attempt to catch Ottawa in the act, as it were, was clearly a Hail Mary on behalf of Montreal. A move based in desperation and based in no actual evidence, and one that is already causing immense blowback.

Yet despite all of the blowback they are facing, I’m hearing reports that some staff within the Voyageurs organization are STILL of the opinion that there is some foul play here happening behind the scenes in the Centaurs organization. These individuals truly believe (or at least are claiming to truly believe) that though they didn’t “catch” Ottawa this time, there still is some wrongdoing to catch them in. As though these cheating allegations aren’t the first and only that have ever been levied against Ottawa, at least in the time since I’ve been covering sport. As though Montreal aren’t the ones who were caught blatantly cheating in this case.

It is those individuals to whom I would like to address the following. For those that do remain, who may have believed the crock peddled by whomever at the top was allegedly behind this illegal breach of privacy, let me outline, as a lifelong Voys fan and with three decades of sports reporting in my back pocket, exactly why the Ottawa Centaurs have been handing the Montreal Voyageurs their asses on a golden platter all season long — and why it has nothing to do with cheating.

It’s really quite simple: they are the better team, and they are playing a better game.

But to be more specific:

On the whole, Montreal's defense remains strong — the combination of old guard players with the fresh talent of Masters and Covey is working well thus far. Drapeau’s SV% is still in the upper half of the league (though it has been declining consistently over the last few years — making fans and commentators alike wonder why Thierault is so reluctant to more frequently play Miitka, who himself has an excellent SV%, in his place). To their credit, most of the Voys matchups against the Cens have proven to be much lower-scoring than the Ottawa average this season. Still, only so much can be done when faced with the absolute battering ram that is the Cens’ first two lines. To be frank, it’s a miracle Montreal has stopped as many Ottawa goals as they have.

And at the end of the day, quality defense means nothing if you can’t also get on the board. The Voys have struggled on offense all season, regardless of the opponent, but they are especially bad against Ottawa. Their offensive play this season could best be defined by a complete lack of cohesion, only amplified by sloppy passing from almost every player. When they do manage to string a few passes together into something that might resemble a workable play pattern, they’re making such obvious, on-the-nose choices that Wyatt Hayes, who is by all accounts exceptional in the Centaurs’ goal, can see them coming from a mile away.

To top it all off, any changes made to the Voyageurs’ basic patterns, systems, and strategy since Shane Hollander’s departure have been negligible at best. Naturally, Hollander — who played on Montreal’s first line for over a decade, and captained the team for a majority of that time — can predict his former teammates’ next moves with psychic clarity. Hollander’s ability to read his teammates, anticipate their next move, and even adjust to their style of play when the moment calls for it has always been lauded as a sign of his high hockey IQ and excellent leadership. The expectation that that ability might abruptly cease, that he might suddenly forget the idiosyncrasies and habits of these men with whom he has been playing for years, just because he’s donning a different jersey, is absurd.

Also not to be overlooked is the sheer power of righteous ire. As much as Hollander uses carefully neutral language whenever he speaks of his former team, it’s clear that there was significant animosity from both directions surrounding his departure. Inside reports indicate that despite his plans to play his entire career in the Voyageurs captain’s jersey, he was all but pushed out of both the locker room and the organization as a whole. If nothing else, the dark attitude of Ilya Rozanov (Hollander’s husband and Ottawa’s captain), whenever the Voyageurs are mentioned, is telling. The only Montreal players spared from this ire appear to be Hayden Pike and, occasionally, J.J. Boiziau, with whom Hollander appears to maintain relationships — though that doesn’t stop Rozanov from playfully (and sometimes not-so-playfully) negging them both.

Even other players on the Cens have shown an increased disdain towards the Voys in press this season. As Ottawa’s alternate captain, the usually level-headed Zane Boodram, told the Ottawa Citizen’s Steve Liu in December: “That whole team is rotten from the inside out.” When asked if Liu could quote him on that, Boodram reportedly stated, “I’d be offended if you didn’t.”

During the Montreal-Ottawa matchup last October, Ottawa’s so-called “reformed hothead” Troy Barrett made headlines for initiating a physical confrontation in defense of Hollander. During a stoppage to address an unplayable puck, a gaggle of Voys appeared to corner their former captain as some sort of hypermasculine attempt at intimidation; Barrett intervened, pushing Gilbert Comeau away from Hollander. Comeau, blindsided and unbalanced by the shove, attempted to stay on his skates by wobbling so exaggeratedly and comically that online trolls have taken to using a video of the moment — with clown music overlaid, naturally — as a reaction Tweet to the Voys’ every mistake and lost game. Once Comeau finally regained his balance on the ice, Montreal appealed to head ref Jason Kerr to award Barrett a two-minute minor for instigating. Kerr declined to do so.

To put it simply: it’s clear there is significant bad blood at play here, and it is going away none too soon.

However, Hollander and the Cens have mastered the art of focusing their rage and using it to fuel precise and decisive gameplay, and the scoreboard reflects that. Many of the Voyageurs, on the other hand, have allowed their emotions — anger, betrayal, disappointment, outright homophobia, whatever they may be — to cloud and even completely take over their game. Several Voyageurs are playing noticeably dirtier against Ottawa than any other team. On average, matchups against the Centaurs this season have found Montreal racking up twice as many minors and three times as many major penalties as it compares to their average against all other teams this season. Comeau has only grown increasingly aggressive since Barrett pushed him away from Hollander in the fall — he alone accounts for nearly half of Montreal’s penalties. His most recent on-ice attack on Hollander and his teammates landed Comeau a three-game suspension (which most commentators agree should have been much more), yet Theriault continues to play him every chance he gets. Meanwhile, more than 40% of Ottawa’s goals against Montreal this season have been made on the power play.

To put it simply: Montreal is playing sloppy and dirty, and as a result they’re handing out scoring opportunities to Ottawa like candy. I don’t wish to diminish the skill and talent of the Centaurs in saying this, of course — it is a credit to them that they are able to capitalize on these opportunities and turn them into goals — but for those openings to even be on the table shows a real departure from the Montreal game we have come to know in the past decade plus.

Most coaches would have their players doing bag skates for days for playing this way just once, much less in every Ottawa matchup. Meanwhile, at least one person “high up” in the Voyageurs organization is allegedly instructing their employees to bug the Ottawa locker room, because they can’t imagine a reason the Cens might be beating them aside from good old-fashioned cheating. Both as a journalist and a lifelong Montreal Voyageurs fan, I find it hard to imagine a news cycle more detrimental and, frankly, embarrassing, to the organization than this.

The Ottawa Centaurs are not beating the Montreal Voyageurs because they are cheating. The Centaurs are beating the Voyageurs because they are the better team, with better players, significantly more player chemistry, and far fewer unforced errors. Period. It would do the Voyageurs well to finally accept as much.

And maybe keep Comeau benched for once.

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @kathboyersports] fuck kathy can YOU be our coach???? you’re clearly reading this better than any of the actual coaching staff

Kathy Boyer
@kathboyersports
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse] I actually had dreams of coaching when I was younger! I applied for a low-level assistant coaching position in Sherbrooke back when the Montreal AHL team was based there. There was quite a big turnover in staff at the time, as this was right after the MacIntosh-Belanger scandal, so they were hungry for new blood. Yet apparently my captaincy leading the McGill women’s team to a national championship two years in a row wasn’t enough to even consider my application… I was told it would be “inappropriate” to allow a woman in the locker room🤷🏻‍♀️

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @kathboyersports] every day i understand valerie solanas more

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse] dare i ask who valerie solanas is?

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @justiceformiitty] she called for the extinction of men😃😃😃😄😄😄

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse] oh !

Amrit
@bostonbearder
Holy shit man. Has the nhl EVER had a scandal like this?

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
wake up cens lawyers!!! it’s time to limber up for some litigation

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
the concept that the cens would need to steal plays to beat montreal is downright laughable??? they have the two best players in the league on their roster, AND they’re fueled by the power of friendship??? cmon now

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] when shane left that organization he took every last brain cell with him i stg

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
Sooooo who’s gonna take one for the team and leak that video. I bet it’s bad, those fuckers are snakes

👨‍💻
@dfsn420wtt69fcappq6
[Replying to @dkent_guardy] bet

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @dfsn420wtt69fcappq6] ??? fuckin bot

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @dkent_guardy] close! they’re not snakes, they’re actually half horse, half man. but i understand that inside your brain is just a teetering, phallic stack of tumbleweeds, so the difference between a mammal and a reptile is tough for u to understand!

Kathy Boyer
@kathboyersports
Many reporters and observers have identified two distinct phases in the recent years of the Montreal Voyageurs: the Shane Hollander Era and the Post-Hollander Era. But I would argue that they have actually had three, and I hope you’ll excuse my overreliance on Greek mythology to spell them out (finally, my Classics/Hellenics minor comes in handy):

The Atlas Era: Spanning Hollander’s first decade or so with the Voys, Hollander was carrying the weight of the entire team and organization on his shoulders. I’m sure at the time he wouldn’t have deemed it a punishment, but in hindsight… perhaps there’s something to that thought.

The Sisyphus Era: Post-outing, pre-Ottawa. Hollander was clearly doing everything in his power to regain the trust of his teammates and organization, but no matter what he did, he always found himself back at the bottom of that damn hill.

The Achilles Era: Once Hollander made the switch to Ottawa, he very quickly became Montreal’s Achilles heel. Despite the fact that they were the ones who drove him out, they remain obsessed with him: beating him, discrediting him, proving that he is not all that they themselves built him up to be over the course of a decade. To date, they have found no success in any one of these three categories.

The Voyageurs have a decades-long legacy of excellence in sport that they have already irreversibly damaged in such a short time. Yet they seem somehow determined to only make that reputation worse and worse by the day. It could not be more clear to me that if the Montreal Voyageurs don’t make sweeping changes in personnel and culture — and quickly — we may be seeing the end of this organization entirely.

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
[Replying to @kathboyersports] kathy my queen,...... i love u

Kyle
@kyle_g17
Uhhhhh is anyone else having trouble loading the montreal gazette website right now? I wanted to read the article but got a 404 error. I tried to go to the homepage just to see if the article moved or something and it seems like the whole thing is down?

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] down for me too😬I wonder if so many people are trying to access it that it crashed

Montreal Gazette ☑️
@mtlgazette
The Montreal Gazette is aware that users are experiencing difficulties accessing our website. Thank you for your patience as our tech team works to resolve the issue promptly.

Gabby Marie
@gabswashere94
Ok so my brother works IT on a contract basis for a bunch of local businesses in Mtl. One of them is the Gazette, and they just called him in (in person, which is super rare for him) to deal with a ‘high priority emergency’... I think they may have been hacked??

Avery 🏳️‍🌈
@AveryCantor15
[Replying to @gabswashere94] my wife works at the Gazette and I dont know any real details, but apparently its an absolute shitshow in there right now. Their system is basically on a complete blackout so no one can actually do their work

👨‍💻
@dfsn420wtt69fcappq6
payday🤑💰💸

TMZ ☑️
@TMZ
🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: TMZ has an EXCLUSIVE LOOK at the leaked footage of the Ottawa Centaurs’ locker room and it certainly is… interesting 👀😈🔥Check it out: https://bit.ly/4mtzuxV

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @TMZ] NO ONE FUCKING ASKED FOR THIS?????? WHA THTE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @TMZ] TMZ YOU ARE ON MY SHIT LIST OH MY GOD KILL YOURS ELF

Colton
@voya8eurs
[Replying to @TMZ] @grok did the centaurs cheat?

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @voya8eurs] colton you are a scourge upon the earth and i pity your mother for ever having your parasitic ass mooching off of her poor uterus. what’s her address i’d like to send her a fucking sympathy card

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
And you know what? That’s on me for thinking it wouldn’t get worse. Rookie fuckin mistake!

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
i mean we all already knew tmz had absolutely zero journalistic integrity but jesus fucking christ???? i feel like this is bad even for them

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
kind of insane that the general public is being so chill about this breach of privacy??? like if this was a women’s locker room all the crazy terfs would be all up in arms, why is it fine just bc it’s a bunch of dudes. this kinda shit makes me sick ngl

TMZ ☑️
@TMZ
For those concerned, don’t worry! Any visuals deemed NSFW were censored before posting 😄👌🏼

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @TMZ] Wow! That makes it A-okay, then! Thanks TMZ! 😐😐😐

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying to @TMZ] sorry are you expecting an award for this….? orrrr

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
tmz rly said “the only dicks here are us” huh

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
The Cens should give Hollander a gun.

bee
@roty24
DO NOT WATCH IT. BLOCK AND REPORT

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] babe ily but I don’t think blocking and reporting *TMZ* of all accounts is gonna do much here

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @shilya2481] but at least we can block and report any accounts that are reposting clips. i’ve already seen a few

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
hello oomfs @81hollander wants me to let u all know that she’s suspended because she told tmz they should kermit sewer side :( did i tell her not to tweet it? yes. but do i still stand by my cancelled baby? yes!!! free bailey!!! she was a little mean about it but she is pure of heart and she wasn’t exactly wrong😡

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @24rozanov] SO TWITTER CAN SUSPEND HER FOR THAT BUT WON’T DO SHIT ABOUT THE VIDEOS BEING POSTED TO THEIR PLATFORM RN??????

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @samwichbred] yup😄😄😄

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @24rozanov] jiwon we ride at dawn i’m so serious. that’s my SISTER only EYE get to abuse her

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
i….. have something to say. but first i am privating my account

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)🔒
@neverhollanover
okay so. i’m sorry. i’m really very sorry but i’m so nosy. like SOOOOO nosy and. i watched the tmz video.

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] GRACIE

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)🔒
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] i know!!!! i know. i’m sorry. invasion of privacy etc etc. but girl…… the video is honestly ,,, SO funny??? there’s nothing incriminating in it at all, they’re just shooting the shit and hollanov is soooooo hollanov. peak hollanov. kt i’m gonna be eating for DAYS off of this

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] ……. ,,,,, …,,..... ….. reluctantly…,,,,, . u have my attention

EXCERPT FROM TMZ VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Footage taken from a high angle in the away locker room at Centre Bell. The video quality is grainy, but the audio is fairly clear.]

[Post-morning practice the day of the game, the Cens change back into street clothes after their showers. Shane approaches his locker in a towel. Wyatt Hayes, Troy Barrett, Zane Boodram, Evan Dykstra, Tanner Dillon, and recent trade from Boston, Anthony “Candy” Canducci, are mid conversation the next locker over.]

DILLON: It’s not like it used to be. I dunno, I just… [he trails off]

BOOD: So you need to spice things up in the bedroom, is what I’m hearing.

DILLON: Yeah, basically. But I’m out of ideas.

SHANE: What do you mean?

DILLON: About being… out of ideas?

SHANE: No, about needing to spice things up. If you want to be vanilla, there’s nothing wrong with being vanilla.

DILLON: Of course not. It’s just that what we’ve been doing… isn’t really doing it for me like it did when we first got together. So I’m trying to figure out how to make things more interesting.

SHANE: Are you trying to push her to do something she doesn’t want to do?

DILLON: No, no, it’s not like that. It’s just… [he turns to the others] Guys, help me out here. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Hazy sighs. Takes one for the team and turns to Shane.]

HAZY: It happens in every relationship, right? If you’ve been together for a while, your sex life inevitably gets a little stale. That’s what he’s talking about. It’s not a death knell, he’s just got to figure out how to make it hot again.

DYKSTRA: A death what?

[The guys ignore Dykstra. Shane stares blankly, not confused as Dykstra is by the word “knell”, but definitely confused by the concept of a stale sex life.]

SHANE: Why would it be not hot? I mean, you love her, right?

DILLON: Of course.

SHANE: So…?

[Wyatt and Troy exchange a look that indicates they know this is about to get very interesting. Bood takes pity on both Dillon and Shane, and steps in.]

BOOD: Well, you’ve been with Roz forever. So I imagine that the sex at the very beginning didn’t feel like it does now. There was probably more… excitement, right?

SHANE: For about 10 years of that we were deathly afraid of getting caught because we thought it would be the end of our careers, so.

[Wyatt and Bood look to Troy now, begging for his gay help. Troy sighs.]

TROY: Okay, but you could only see each other a few times a year, right? I imagine it felt more… I dunno, novel, back then.

SHANE: I… that’s—

BOOD: C’mon, Hollzy. We already know way more about your sex life than we should. What’s one more detail?

[Shane goes red. He throws a t-shirt over his head, seemingly in an attempt to stall.]

SHANE: Canducci’s only been here like a month, I don’t want to—

CANDY: Don’t hold back on my account, man… I can’t say I’m not curious.

BOOD: See? C’mon. Give us the tea.

SHANE: The what?

TROY: Oh, I got this one! Harris taught me this. It comes from queer culture. Well, it comes from black culture, but basically everything in queer culture is stolen from black culture, so—

HAZY: [interrupting] He just means to tell us.

[Shane sighs. This is a battle he is not going to win.]

SHANE: I guess back then it felt more… desperate, maybe? Since it was more of a rarity? But it’s not like I wanted it any more or less than I do now. If anything, it started feeling… bigger, I guess, once the feelings kicked in.

DILLON: So even now? You both are always into it? Like… REALLY into it?

SHANE: I mean… yeah.

DILLON: Huh. I guess that’s what happens when you marry a man.

SHANE: What do you… [furrows brow] Oh. Hey, the expectation that all men are horny all the time and women just put up with it is a product of the patriarchy. There are plenty of men with low libidos and plenty of women with high ones.

BOOD: So you’re just saying that you and Roz are total horndogs, then?

[Shane’s blush is picked up even by the grainy footage.]

SHANE: We’re… normal. We’re just normal.

DYKSTRA: Are you? I know you try to hide them, but I’ve seen you come into practice with hickeys like half a dozen times.

[Shane manages to somehow go even redder than before.]

SHANE: [mumbling] I told him no marks during the season, but he never fucking listens. “No one but Hazy will notice”, my ASS.

DYKSTRA: [a little offended] Why only Hazy?

BOOD & TROY: Hazy notices everything.

BOOD: [to Troy] Jinx, you owe me a Coke. [to Dykstra] Yeah Ev, sorry, but you’re like, one of the most oblivious people on this team off the ice. It’s just that they’re SUPER obvious about this one thing you noticed.

SHANE: We’re not SUPER—

HAZY: Dykstra, when these two got secret-engaged, I noticed Roz was wearing a ring on his chain WEEKS before you did.

DILLON: Yeah, and weren’t you convinced for like, months that Roz’s secret girl was Rose Landry?

[Shane nearly chokes on air.]

DYKSTRA: Listen, my reasoning was sound!

CANDY: You know her name only got unbanned in the Boston locker room LAST season? At first I thought it was a superstition thing, ‘cause this is hockey, we all have our own thing, I get it. But after a while I realized it had nothing to do with the game, it was just ‘cause the guys were afraid that saying her name would summon an Angry Rozanov Ghost or something.

DILLON: Wait, yeah, Candy, what did you hear on Boston about Roz’s… [trails off, looking for a polite word to use in front of Shane]

HAZY: Exploits?

DILLON: Yeah, that. Even if Holly here is “normal”, Roz has gotta be a… what was it you called it, Bood? A total horndog.

BOOD: [nodding sagely] A total horndog.

[Candy eyes Shane warily. Shane just shrugs — permission granted.]

CANDY: I mean, Roz is… Roz. He’s a legend. The guys talked about him like he was an animal. I love a good fuck as much as the next guy, but the stories I heard… that would’ve been too much even for me.

HAZY: You know, we all hated him in Toronto, obviously, but the guys basically revered how much — man, Lisa would kill me for talking about women like this, but please know I’m quoting them here — about how much pussy he got on the regular. In their minds, he was like… the epitome of the fuckboy that they all dreamed of being. They hated him on the ice and in the press room and literally everywhere else, but in the club, he was like a god to them.

TROY: Yeah. In hindsight, it was… a little homoerotic, actually. [Hazy snorts] Because why the hell were they so invested in some other dude’s sex life?

HAZY: Sorry, Shane. I know that’s probably not your favorite thing to hear.

SHANE: [laughs] I mean, no, but at this point I’m used to it. I’m well aware that I married a reformed slut.

CANDY: Yeah, but these days he’s so obsessed with you, man, it’s crazy. Everyone can see it. A total 180 from what his image was back in Boston. But I mean, these guys kind of have a point… he can’t have changed that much from his Boston horndog days, right? I feel like he’s gotta be on you constantly. Isn’t there ever a time when you’re like, “hey, can you give me a break before my dick starts chafing?”

SHANE: [utterly baffled at the prospect] No?

[Ilya sneaks into frame and begins digging in his locker next to Shane’s. He’s fresh out of the showers, wearing a towel.]

ILYA: I don’t know what Marleau was tellin’ you rooks, Candy, but he’s full of shit.

[Several of the guys jump, not having noticed he came in. To his credit, Candy recovers quickly.]

CANDY: So the infamous Royale foursome of New Year’s Eve 2013 was all a lie, then?

ILYA: [grins slyly] Ah, that one did happen.

HAZY: Foursome? At what point does it just become an orgy?

ILYA: I say four people. But Marly insists it is five because one time his ex-girl asked him if he’d ever been in an orgy and he wanted to be able to say no.

DYKSTRA: Okay, clearly Hollander’s not getting it, but you… [turns to Ilya] Roz, you used to live that crazy life but you’re all cuffed up now. Does that ever feel boring? What do you do to make it interesting again?

BOOD: Man, right in front of Hollander? Are you TRYING to get our poor captain sent to the doghouse?

[Dykstra grimaces apologetically, but Ilya laughs, nonplussed.]

ILYA: First of all, constantly trying to find new girls out at the clubs… ughhh, is so much work.

SHANE: [sarcastic] Yeah, I’m sure it was so hard, with girls constantly throwing themselves at you.

ILYA: Oh, this coming from you?

SHANE: No one is throwing themselves at me. Except maybe you.

ILYA: Yes they are, Mr. Cosmopolitan Hottest Man in the NHL, you just do not realize. Is a miracle you even noticed I was flirting with you the first time.

SHANE: What, in the showers? It was a little hard to miss.

CANDY: In the — what?

BOOD: Oh, kid. We have so much lore to catch you up on.

ILYA: [bulldozing past Candy and Bood] But anyway, you cannot fuck the ones who are chasing you so much. You can tell when they only want you for the celebrity, when they are just fucking you so they have something cool to tell all of their friends. Usually they are trying too hard in bed, overdoing it. I find this annoying. I always had a better time with the ones who played… little more hard to get.

SHANE: [scoffs] And those ones just wanted you for what, your generational dick game?

ILYA: You said it, not me.

[Shane rolls his eyes so hard it’s a miracle they stay in his head. The guys guffaw. Bood claps Ilya on the back playfully.]

ILYA: That challenge is fun when you are 22. Not so much when you are in your 30s. Much easier to come home to Shane every night, not have to worry about finding someone new.

SHANE: Oh, so I’m easy?

[Ilya slips around Shane from behind and does one of his patented tiddy grabs.]

ILYA: Shane Hollander, you are SO easy. [toys with the edge of the towel around Shane’s waist] Do you want to show them, or…?

SHANE: [shoving his hand away] Shut up.

DYKSTRA: See, this is what we mean! I mean, no offense Shane, you know I love you to death, bro, but he calls you boring all the time. You mean to tell me that NEVER transfers over to the bedroom? Roz has gotta be a freak.

HAZY: [snorts] What, are you saying their relationship has a problematic freakiness gap?

[Ilya grins, clearly delighted by this turn of conversation. Shane looks like he wants to melt into the floor.]

ILYA: Trust me, I am not the one you should be worried about being too freaky in this relationship.

SHANE: [warning] Ilya…

[Dykstra’s jaw drops. As he and the rest of the guys process this newfound information, Troy just shoots a knowing glance at Shane nods in a way that clearly reads: respect.]

DYKSTRA: You’re telling me. That of the two of you. It’s SHANE HOLLANDER who’s constantly like a… like a dog in heat??

ILYA: Is understandable, my dick is unforgettable. Generational, some might say—

[Shane smacks him upside the head, which Ilya seems all too happy about. He kisses Shane’s cheek, unrepentant.]

ILYA: Okay, we have to change the topic before my husband explodes from embarrassment. Dillon, what is this problem you have?

BOOD: His girl is sick of his dick.

ILYA: Ah yes, classic problem. For other people, I mean. Not for me, of course.

CANDY: Oh right, didn’t you have like a two-fuck rule or something? You wouldn’t hook up with a girl more than twice to make sure they’d never get attached?

ILYA: Yes, I had to do this because I am so charming and hot and have generational dick game. Otherwise they all would have fallen in love with me and it would be a big problem.

SHANE: You definitely had sex with Sveta more than twice.

ILYA: Sveta does not count. She was never going to fall in love with me.

SHANE: Yeah, she has more sense than I do, apparently.

ILYA: Yes, because I only put my dick in your mouth one time and you were already in love with me.

SHANE: Shut up.

[Ilya just grins and plants another kiss on Shane’s cheek.]

ILYA: [to Dillon] What do you and your girl usually do in bed? You ever do kinky stuff?

DILLON: I don’t really wanna piss on her, if that’s what you’re asking.

ILYA: [rolling his eyes] This is not what I meant. I meant more basic, like… roleplay, or something.

DILLON: We’ve tried that. Didn't work. Liz got too in her head about her motivations as a sexy teacher and started worrying about the career implications of anyone ever finding out she’d fucked a student.

SHANE: [nodding sagely] Fair. That would ruin a person’s career.

ILYA: Okay, what about tying each other up? Does not have to be intense, especially not the first time.

DILLON: She doesn’t like the power dynamics of that. She’s a real big feminist, y'know, she doesn't want to feel overpowered or… helpless.

ILYA: It does not have to be her being tied up.

[Dillon freezes. It’s a full deer-in-headlights situation. Someone snickers.]

DILLON: Uhh….

ILYA: Oh my god, you are all living in the dinosaur time with Scott Hunter. [to everyone] Your sex lives would all be much better if you opened your eyes to more possibilities.

[END EXCERPT]

Clint Hammond
@BigW1ngPatriot
It’s gross, it’s perverted,.... I can’t believe Rozanov and Hollander would be carrying on about their s*x life in the locker room like this……

Steve Modrin
@moddysports11
[Replying to @BigW1ngPatriot] This is what I’ve been saying! Immediate follow, brother. 👊🏻

Matty Love
@matthewjlove
[Replying to @BigW1ngPatriot] ????? I've played hockey my whole life, including 4 years in Ncaa div 1 and a stint in the Ahl, and what they said in that video is SO tame compared to the shit I’ve heard spewed by straight dudes in the locker room. Guys brag about the dirty details of their sexcapades all the time, and this… wasn’t even that.

Clint Hammond
@BigW1ngPatriot
[Replying to @matthewjlove] Did you not see the way Rozanov was grabbing him? So inappropriate….. If I were their teammate I would feel so uncomfortable.

Matty Love
@matthewjlove
[Replying to @BigW1ngPatriot] Well you’re not their teammate. Their real teammates ARE in that video, and they’re actively fishing for more details. I think they’re fine with rozanov grabbing his husband’s tit for 2 seconds. Also, when I was in college guys would grab each other’s dicks in the showers all the time as a “joke”. Do you have the same disdain for that kind of behavior, or is that okay just because they always followed it up with a “no homo”? Do you have this level of disgust for the ACTUAL sexual harassment, BETWEEN STRAIGHT MEN, that happens in locker rooms every single day?

Clint Hammond
@BigW1ngPatriot
[Replying to @matthewjlove] What do you mean his husband’s tit? Men don’t have tits…… those are reserved for the beauty of the holy female form alone, gifted to man by God Himself……..

Matty Love
@matthewjlove
[Replying to @BigW1ngPatriot] Oh my god. Dude. Ur a lost cause

Clint Hammond
@BigW1ngPatriot
[Replying to @matthewjlove] And you have the word “love” in your domain name… I can see your rainbow agenda from a mile away buddy

Matty Love
@matthewjlove
[Replying to @BigW1ngPatriot] ??? Love is literally my last name

anjali is watching aos!
@tv4anjaliii
omg nooooo poor dillon….. now the ENTIRE INTERNET knows his sex life with his gf has gone stale skfdsdfklj

vivi₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊
@c0ff33_sh0p_au
[Replying to @tv4anjaliii] omg anjali NO plz dont tell me ur into hockey too😭😭😭😭😭😭

anjali is watching aos!
@tv4anjaliii
[Replying to @c0ff33_sh0p_au] listen……. viv…………….. we all have our fatal flaws…….. forgive a girl for partaking in the boy aquarium every so often 🤪🤪🤪

Ren 🌹⛓️🖤
@_feministmarxist_
[Replying to @tv4anjaliii] honesly idgaf about him, i feel bad for HER

anjali is watching aos!
@tv4anjaliii
[Replying to @_feministmarxist_] honestly so fair lmfao. i saw someone had already doxxed her socials 😭🥴 i feel so bad

vivi₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊
@c0ff33_sh0p_au
[Replying to @_feministmarxist_ and @tv4anjaliii] damn…. i would Never date a hockey player bc thats foolish behavior, but that girl still doesnt deserve that

anjali is watching aos!
@tv4anjaliii
[Replying to @c0ff33_sh0p_au] girl dont u live in indonesia? do they even play hockey there?? where would you find a hockey player to date???

vivi₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊
@c0ff33_sh0p_au
[Replying to @tv4anjaliii] ok well according to google indonesia has 4 ice rinks so. i guess maybe one of those places

anjali is watching aos!
@tv4anjaliii
[Replying to @c0ff33_sh0p_au] also ur famously afraid of men

vivi₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊
@c0ff33_sh0p_au
[Replying to @tv4anjaliii] now that’s just a personal attack

Ren 🌹⛓️🖤
@_feministmarxist_
[Replying to @c0ff33_sh0p_au] queen just be a lesbian, it’ll solve all your problems. womxyn are actually even scarier to talk to, but at least we’re not men!

Susie K #ProudBoyMom
@mamabearsusie223411443122
How 2 block hockey video from sons ipad

Susie K #ProudBoyMom
@mamabearsusie223411443122
Christian resource raise christlike sons heterosexual

Susie K #ProudBoyMom
@mamabearsusie223411443122
Rosanoff hollinder kissing video

Susie K #ProudBoyMom
@mamabearsusie223411443122
How to turn on incognito mode

Hip Pastor Mike😎
@pastoronthemike
[Replying to @mamabearsusie223411443122] Hi Susie! I think you’ve mixed up your twitter bar and your search bar again. Can I help?

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
#TannerDillonSoBadAtSex he can’t even keep it up

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
#TannerDillonSoBadAtSex his sex doll even gets bored

Colton
@voya8eurs
#TannerDillonSoBadAtS*x he thinks he’s supposed to put his peepee in the pee hole

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @voya8eurs] The roast is good but man, that is the most embarrassing beta way you could’ve said it

Clint Hammond
@BigW1ngPatriot
What this trending #TannerDillonSoBadAtSex hashtag really reveals is that so many men don’t know how to please their wives. The most important thing to know is that satisfying your wife is all about pleasing God first. Thread: 🧵(1/55)

Girls’ Girl Podcast 🎀
@girlsgirlpod
The abs on that Russian man……. Licking them is not a want but a need

Gabby Marie
@gabswashere94
[Replying to @girlsgirlpod] and that ass??? I know it was covered by the towel, but even then…….. I Knead to Bite

Girls’ Girl Podcast 🎀
@girlsgirlpod
[Replying to @gabswashere94] fr!!! If all hockey men are this hot maybe I should start tuning in…….

anjali is watching aos!
@tv4anjaliii
[Replying to @girlsgirlpod] can confirm they are NOT, dont waste your time if that's your only reason for watching lmao

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
okay now that every news outlet and their mother have published the contents of that video and even locals are talking about it, are we allowed to discuss it publicly, or……….

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @neverhollanover] honestly i’m like. fuck it. if the haters are gonna be talking shit about it and #them we might as well be in the conversation defending our feminist icons hollanov

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @neverhollanover] It’s hard not to at this point tbh

jords
@rozanovzy
okay now that it’s allowed let me just say….. THE #HOLLANOVFREAK4FREAK TRUTHERS STAY WINNING

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
ilya rozanov my freaky brother in christ, my woke king, i knew i could trust you………… if u ever need some ottawa-based sex shop recs hmu i gotchu…………………

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
listen. they do say it’s always the quiet ones🤷🏻‍♂️

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
pookie shane being so obsessed with his husband that he literally doesn’t understand the concept of having mediocre sex with the person you love…… may that kind of love find me jesus christ

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Even behind closed doors and clarifying he’s just quoting his old teammates, Wyatt pre-emptively apologizing for referring to women as pussy…… that’s my BOIIIII

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] “lisa would kill me for talking about women like this” lisa hayes i would die for you. i mean your husband too or whatever, but you lisa are an icon and a queen

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
of course he mentioned scotty…… it’s always for attention🙄

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] in a video that he didn’t know was being recorded and he didn’t know would ever be shared with the public…? touch grass bro. i know ur sky so it’s probably hard to get out of the clouds and down to earth but i believe in u

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
SCOTT HUNTER NEVER STOPS CATCHING STRAYS FROM THIS MAN ASLDFKJDFLJ #deserved #fuckthatguy #andFUCKtheadmirals

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @justiceformiitty] r*z just hates for the love of the game man, he really does. this dude is the bane of my existence but it’s impossible not to admire the dedication

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse] real recognize real👊🏼

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
So is anyone gonna talk about Shane saying the first time Ilya flirted with him was IN THE SHOWERS, and it was “a little hard to miss”, or…..?

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @shilya2481] honestly I’m surprised I haven’t seen more about it lol

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @shilya2481] #HOLLANOVFREAK4FREAK AND THAT’S ALL I’LL SAY ON THE MATTER SEND TWEET

Amrit
@bostonbearder
Marly on blast again….. this always happens ahahahahahahaha #royalefoursome2013

Cliff marleau ☑️
@cliffmarly7
[Replying to @bostonbearder] listen man theres a reason that relationship didnt last….. if a Girl doesnt love me at my royale foursome then she doesn’t deserve me at my Stanley cup champ✊🏼 #real

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @cliffmarly7] mmmm yes and remind me when was the last time you won the cup? 2014, yes? when I was your captain? 😘 #realer

Cliff marleau ☑️
@cliffmarly7
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] and I only got with my girl now when I finally stopped taking ur dating advice brother so riddle me that……. #realest 🧐 Luv u alicia! 😘

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @cliffmarly7] yes, turns out my advice works better on men than women #hollanderest

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
i cant believe im actually defending r*zanov here but…… is hollander gonna apologize for calling him a reformed sl*t? hollander has always been a decent guy despite his horrible taste in men. i never imagined him to be the kind of person to sl*tshame, that’s really disappointing….

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] is not shaming. is just accurate. please do not cancel my husband for this. if you are going to cancel him for anything, please can it be his insisting that scrambled eggs must be so cooked they are not wet at all otherwise I will get salmonella? I am sick of eating burnt eggs

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks]
and don’t pretend Twitter user scottsbananasocks, I know u secretly love me 😉😉😉😉 even if your taste in hockey players is so horrible that you stan a man so old he is friends with the little squirrel from the ice age

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
i will delete this entire account i am so serious

jords
@rozanovzy
once again ilya rozanov drops onto twitter mid-chaos only to comment on the most minor parts of the scandal and dip………. incredible

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
omg ppl keep talking abt Tanner Dillon’s sex life iLYA DISTRACT THEM WITH A THIRST TRAP….. boobs out caked up….. pLEASE

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
I heard the people were thirsting after me, but no need to look at that stupid video for bad shitty footage. I will give you better quality for free. you just have to ask nicely (Shane always does)

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ROZANOV.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
моя любовь @shanehollanderhockeyplayer could you please be an example for the people of the internet? show them how you ask so nicely

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
oh he’s a menace

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
[Replying to @neverhollanover] you’ve been here longer than me, how is this news to you lmaoooo

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @theottawazamboni] oh it’s not. It’s just nice to be reminded every once in a while❤️❤️❤️❤️

just a samwich
@samwichbred
blatantly ignoring harris sdfjasfdd he’s gonna be the death of that poor man

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
Man I know Shane is never gonna actually respond to this publicly but what I would give to be in the alternate universe where we get to see that go down (HIS FRECKLES LOOK SO CUTE WHEN HIS FACE GETS ALL RED😭😭😭😭😭 I NEED TO SEE IT 😭😭😭😭😭)

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Shaaaaaaaane please. they need you to set a good example

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] No

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] beg. for. it.

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] No.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] you’re hard right now aren’t you

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] NEXT PRACTICE IM STEALING YOUR PHONE AND CHANGING YOUR TWITTER PASSWORD I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
WHOEVER JUST TRANSFERRED ME OVER TO THIS ALTERNATE UNIVERSE….. THANK YOU🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] didn’t get to see his blushy freckles about it but DO NOT WORRY I am imagining them in my head and they are beautiful

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
sorry no cake in this one……. next time 😉🍑🍰 #propertyofshanehollander

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
… ? did he… ? see my tweet ??? am I the reason for this?

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @gingeralepapi] ALL HAIL GINGERALEPAPI

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @gingeralepapi] ALL HAIL GINGERALEPAPI

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
[Replying to @gingeralepapi] ALL HAIL GINGERALEPAPI

Grey
@grey4cens
The “property of Shane Hollander” hashtag? ☠️☠️☠️

Brent 👅💦link in bio!
@twinktown2004
[Repling to @ilyarozanov81] Idk who Shane Hollander is but I guarantee he doesn’t know what to do with all that……….

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @twinktown2004] yes he fucking does, sit down

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
oh god…. OH GOD. twinktown2004 has no idea what he just walked into lsdkfjas;dlfjk

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] RIP to him, I hope he enjoyed his time while he had it

Brent 👅💦link in bio!
@twinktown2004
[Replying to @twinktown2004] I doubt it…… you need a man with more experience to handle all that😉😉😉😉 U know where to find me when you want someone to show you what it’s like to be with a REAL bottom 😏😏😏😏

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @twinktown2004] a REAL BOTTOM??? what is your address, I will show you a real fist to your face. Shane literally learned how to take dick on MY dick, there is no one on this entire giant planet who knows what to do with all that like he does. I said sit DOWN Brant

Brent 👅💦link in bio!
@twinktown2004
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] The name’s Brent, not Brant… but I’ll let it slide this once for a man such as yourself 😉

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @twinktown2004] do I look like a care Brunt

jords
@rozanovzy
protective possessive husband roz……. i’m dizzy

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
one ride on ilya rozanovs dick would fix me i think ☝️🤓

Hanna Graf 🏃🏻‍♀️
@hannalaeuft
Okay I know I don’t really go here but the drama ended up on my feed so here’s a question: how sure are we that this Rozanov guy being a fuckboy mean he’s actually a good fuck? Bc I have been with a few fuckboys in my day and their skills were of…. varying quality. On the internet people act like this guy is some sex god just because he’s notorious for hooking up with everything that moves, but quantity does not always guarantee quality (especially if you’re as hot as he is, because people can be willing to give you more leeway than you probably deserve).

Maybe he is some sex god! I’m not trying to shit on the dude, I know almost nothing about him. But I think everyone needs to maybe temper their expectations hahaha

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @hannalaeuft] okay this is a good point though…… worst kisser i ever kissed was a known player, and i was like how did u even get this far in life with ur tongue limp in ur mouth like that

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @hannalaeuft and @whenwheelsfly] only one way to solve this…… WE MUST SEEK OUT EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
[Replying @freckledhllndr] i thought this account was supposed to just be about hollander’s freckles? why are you getting into all this h*llanov bullshit😭😭

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] same reason you’ve followed me for a year despite being a H*nter stan…….. Hollanov are just the It Boys☺️☺️☺️

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
we need to find more ppl who’ve hooked up with this man. we need to get their input (for science)

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
*shouts into the void* hey! anyone here fucked ilya rozanov?

jords
@rozanovzy
alright fine. if no one’s gonna do it i will. @svetavetrova care to weigh in on now good of a fuck ilya is?

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @rozanovzy] JORDAN LEGAL NAME ROZANOVZY😭😭😭🤭🤭🤭 ajdjdbsjsjsnasd #respect

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @rozanovzy] don’t be silly….. I have standards. I wouldn’t have gone back if he wasn’t a good fuck😉

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @svetavetrova] 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️as expected……. thank u queen!!!!

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @rozanovzy] damn i did not expect it to be THAT easy lmao. we need to be tagging sveta more often #tbh

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
Oh I can’t believe no one’s mentioned this yet, but there's a subreddit where p*ck b*nnies can give their firsthand accounts about the nhl players they’ve fucked and give them ratings in various categories……. Roz has an entire sub-thread within it🤣🤣🤣🤣

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] OH MY GOD LINK PLEASE I NEED TO READ THIS AND USE IT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @svetavetrova] perhaps I could share this insider info…. but what will I get out of this trade…😏🫦😉

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] I will dm you exclusive never before seen pics of Shane’s freckles

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @svetavetrova] 🫨🫨🫨DONE AND DUSTED IT’S r/NHLFuckRankings THANK YOU FOR DOING BUSINESS WITH ME MS VETROVA
but honestly good luck trying to find fodder……. of all the players with more than 5 entries (the minimum to enter the scoreboard), he’s got the highest average rating in the entire league 😭😭😭😭😭

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] don’t worry. I will find a way 😉check your dms 😘

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
GUYS I’M SHAKING SHE ACTUALLY DM’ED ME I DIDN’T THINK THAT WOULD WORK????? SHE’S SO SWEET AND PRETTY I’M GONNA PASS OUT

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] girl i completely understand the gay panic but THE SHANE PICS???? CAN YOU PLS SHARE???? (jiwon insisted i tell you that this is bailey on her acct, i’m still suspended😭😭😭)

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @24rozanov] she sent me THREE (3) pics *swoons*, I’m gonna treat it like an advent calendar and tweet one a day….. Prepare your heart and your ass

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] I’VE GOT FIREBALL, A VIBRATOR, A TASER, AND MY GIRLFRIEND ALL WITHIN AN ARM’S LENGTH, I’M READY TO GO -bailey

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
*louder this time* ONE RIDE ON ILYA ROZANOVS DICK WOULD FIX ME DEFINITELY FOR SURE ☝️🤓

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
*opens up r/nhlfuckrankings* just some light reading for the evening….. yes yes……….

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
dallas kent dead last in the fuck rankings? fork found in kitchen

jords
@rozanovzy
ILYA ROZANOV WITH THE 100% SUCCESS RATE ON BRINGING HIS PARTNER TO COMPLETION YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @rozanovzy] better than a Lady Byng😎😎😎

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
I……. oh my god

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Rozanov is just so Rozanov there’s no other way to put it

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] and I remain OBSESSED

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
wow i love horny statistics. ilya rozanov the highest-frequency box eater of the bunch…… AND with the 100% cum-pletionist stat……….. hmmmmmm you would almost think there’s a correlation between the two………..🤔🤔🤔🤔

Grey
@grey4cens
I just KNOW Shane Hollander is out there getting his ass ate so good on the reg and it’s hard not to be horribly jealous of that

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] Does it really feel that good?

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] OH HELLO KYLE FANCY SEEING YOU HERE

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] I’m just asking a question😭

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] and to answer that question, yes, getting your ass ate can be absolutely transcendental, would recommend. If your first time is by someone who knows what they’re doing, it will actually change your life

Kyle
@kyle_g17
[Replying to @grey4cens] hmmm.. Can I dm you?

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @kyle_g17] of course

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
did grey actually do it????? did he make that kyle man gay????

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] DELETE THIS BEFORE HE SEES IT FGDHGFJHG I know I’ve been aggressive on main but in my DMs he’s like a cute spooked deer, we can’t scare him away😭🥺

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Is anyone gonna talk about the sub-sub-thread where various Ilya hookups realized he had complimented all of them on their freckles? Because I can think of somebody else with freckles…….

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @shilya2481] DID SOMEONE SAY FRECKLES

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Okay I’m deep in this now. One of Ilya's lowest rankings is from a girl named Jamie who complained that he called her by the wrong name two different times in the heat of the moment……. you’ll never guess what he called her

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
[Replying to @shilya2481] no……. NO……….. oh my goD

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @shilya2481] JANE????

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] YUP. HE CALLED HER JANE. Apparently she confronted him about it afterwards and he tried to gaslight her into believing that he had in fact said “Jame” like a nickname for Jamie, but she was like “no. I know what I heard, and I heard it twice” aldkfjsjssb

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
HELP why is everyone freaking out over this jane thing i dont get it

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @whenwheelsfly] a little while back ilya revealed in an interview that for a long time he and shane had each other under fake names in each other’s phones! the fake name he had for shane was…. jane🫢

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @neverhollanover] oh that is some SERIOUS downbadism right there…… i love it

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
i would bet real money that he actually said “shane” and she just interpreted it as jane bc her subconscious was like why would he be saying shane lmfaoooo

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] also honestly the j and sh sounds come out sounding quite similar in a russian accent a lot of the time

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
Hold on okay so I’ve done some more digging and Ilya’s first submission on the NHLfuckrankings sub was from preseason his rookie year. He has fairly consistent submissions for several years after that (they didn’t all get posted immediately, about half are backdated by more than a month after they found out about the sub). The last Roz submission is December 21, 2016. DISCUSS.

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @shilya2481] his last recorded non-holly fuck on the darkest day of the year……… exactly

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
Man I’m so curious about what percentage of his hookups actually made it to this sub

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @horseman12] you really think those are all real? I’m willing to bet at least half are faker wannabes. I’ve always viewed the subreddit as fun but likely pretty fictional

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] On a pseudo-anonymous forum, though? What would they get out of lying on Reddit lol

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @horseman12 and @freckledhllndr] hey! I’m actually one of the mods on r/NHLfuckrankings (I’m the mod known as 🌟and I joined the mod team in peak Roz fuckboi era in 2014). proud to say we actually run quite a tight ship over there at NHLFR — all submissions are cross-checked with publicly known locations of players on the date the hookup was alleged to happen. many players also have a…. shall we say…. type, lol, as well as a consistent MO (picking up in clubs vs. off apps, what sexual activities they partook in, etc.). this makes it easy to spot patterns, and if a submission ever deviates noticeably from those patterns, there is always follow-up with the submitting user. (cont'd)

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] if we have reason to doubt the veracity of the submission or any other reason to believe an alleged hookup is fiction, the user is invited to provide an additional piece of evidence. this might include a photo of the player with the user alleging the hookup (you have no idea how many drunk selfies with the Snapchat dog ear filter I had to squint at in 2016 to ensure the guy in the pic was who the user claimed they were, lol), photo evidence placing the player at the alleged meetup location if we couldn’t acquire the proof ourselves (often screenshots of private IG stories — lots of sneak photos taken in clubs), bar receipts, firsthand witness statements from friends/acquaintances/occasionally exes, etc. (cont'd)

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] anyone who tries to use illicit photographs or any type of sex tape as evidence is immediately blocked and blacklisted from the sub (yes, we’ve unfortunately had to do this a few times). all evidentiary materials, illicit or otherwise, are promptly deleted after verification. any mod who is found to be in possession of non-public evidentiary materials past the 24-hour grace period after the submission was officially accepted or rejected is given a warning — if they’re caught again, they are removed as a mod. (possession without evidence of distribution is usually just an accident, but we can’t risk having anyone on the mod team playing fast and loose with personal information. hence, removed as a mod for being sloppy, but their lack of ill intent means they are not forced off the sub entirely.) if a mod is found to be DISTRIBUTING any non-public evidentiary information outside of the mod chat, they are promptly blocked and blacklisted. (yes, we also had to do this once! it literally happened on Christmas Day, it was SO chaotic and honestly quite stressful lol.) (cont'd)

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] if a user neglects to submit evidence, or if their evidence is deemed insubstantial, inconsistently verifiable, or just straight-up bullshit, the submission is rejected and never makes it onto the public subreddit page. 100% of original posts on the sub must go through a mod before going up. comments are fair game and don’t require mod approval, but we’re pretty good at keeping an eye on them for any red flags. we are not afraid to delete comments if they cross the line in any way. (cont'd)

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] fun fact: once a user alleged in a submission that the player took a phone call from his WIFE… MID-COITUS with the user… but unfortunately the user didn’t have enough evidence to prove the veracity of the hookup, and we had to reject the submission. this detail was particularly… memorable… to our mod team however, lol, so months later when it came out that the existence of that phone call actually made it into the text of the player’s subsequent divorce proceedings, we reached back out to the user inviting them to resubmit — they did, and the second time around it was accepted😂 (cont'd)

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] players like Rozanov, who had frequent submissions on the sub, are actually the easiest to verify. he was never particularly secretive about his exploits (at least with women) so there were usually several witnesses (often other users submitting their own ranking for one of his teammates, lol), and we were often able to verify just by looking at Roz’s own stories and follow lists. especially after he won the Cup in 2014, we got an influx of Roz submissions (this was actually part of the reason there was a call for more mods around the time I joined, lol), but it was pretty easy to suss out real from fake. at the peak, we were probably rejecting about half of Roz submissions for being fictitious, but that eventually slowed down to something more like 75% real / 25% fake. (cont'd)

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @starrrykniiight]
I think that’s everything! but feel free to drop any outstanding questions you may have in the replies and I’ll try to answer 😄(end thread)

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] holy shit. this level of dedication to accuracy and ethics is not what i’d expect from a subreddit about fucking hockey players lmaoooooooo

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] cayce……. non-oomf please accept my hand in marriage, this is so hot

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] hello non-oomf, the good news is that I’m recently divorced. the bad news is that despite my best efforts, I’m unfortunately straight 😥

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @starrrykniiight] in the arrrrrrrms of the aaaangeeellllllsssss…… flyyyy awaaaayyyyyyyyyy from heeeeere………

🌟Cayce!
@starrrykniiight
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] 😂😂😂😂😂

just a samwich
@samwichbred
i am starting a star emoji cayce fanclub, pls lms if you’d like to join👍

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @samwichbred] i would like to offer up my services as secretary of the fanclub

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @24rozanov] #accepted. our first meeting is on tuesday

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
i truly can’t believe so many ppl are just speeding past the revelation that rozzie’s last reddit hookup was dec 2016?????

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] i mean i don’t think it’s a big revelation. it makes sense, hollanov have said they became exclusive in 2017

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @roty24] yes but what i want to know is did roz stop his other hookups BECAUSE he and holly went exclusive, or did he stop hooking up with other people because he realized holly was it for him and that was a contributing factor to him REALIZING he wanted to be exclusive

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @neverhollanover] NOW WE’RE ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. but honestly? definitely the second one, that’s loverboy3000 we’re talking about lolol

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @rozanovzy] Mmmm idk. Just because the last submission to the Reddit was late 2016 doesn’t mean that was his last non-Hollander hookup. I imagine those that end up on the Reddit are only a fraction of all his hookups. And we don’t know exactly WHEN in 2017 they went exclusive

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @shilya2481] i mean, based on context clues i think it’s pretty fair to assume it was summer. if his last hookup on the reddit was december 2016 and they didn’t become exclusive until summer, you seriously think a six-month gap in reported hookups isn’t indicative of a change in roz’s sexual habits? this man who has his own SECTION on the nhl fuck ranking reddit???

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @rozanovzy] There are plenty of random gaps at other times too tho. Like there’s nothing in February or March of 2014

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @shilya2481] when he was in RUSSIA???? for the OLYMPICS????? man he was probably using the fuck out of those free olympic condoms with figure skaters or those sick ski backflip girls or something. but do you think those athletes are gonna be running to report that on reddit with the kgb looking over their shoulders while they’re using RUSSIAN STATE WIFI????

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
[Replying to @samwichbred and @shilya2481] i was still pretty young those olympics and hadn’t gotten into hockey yet, but even i remember how shocking it was when the russian men didn’t make the hockey podium. my uncle was swearing at the tv for days 😬 if it was that bad to an old geezer who left for american suburbia back when russia was still the ussr, i can’t imagine how much shit rozanov got from russians themselves at their home games..… he was their star player AND the captain. i wouldn’t be shocked if he was drinking so much at those games after rus was knocked out that he was physically incapable of getting it up at all 😅😅😅

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
OKAY KIDS WE’RE SOLVING THIS THE ONLY WAY TWITTER KNOWS HOW: WE ARE PUTTING IT TO A VOTE. vote now on your phones, computers, or smart refrigerators!!!!! did roz:

🔘stop his other hookups BECAUSE he and holly went exclusive
🔘stop hooking up with other people because he realized holly was it for him and that was a contributing factor to him REALIZING he wanted to be exclusive

(682 votes • 23 hours left)

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @neverhollanover] second one. I did fuck maybe one or two people in January 2017 but after All-Stars it was just Shane

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] hOLY SHIT?????

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] i mean yes sir thank u sir this is extremely #important information you have done us all a service on this day. sir thank u sir yes sir

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] gracie dear are u having a stroke ??

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] YES I THINK SO I’VE NEVER GOTTEN A REPLY BEFORE

bee
@roty24
well that sure answers that doesn’t it ☠️☠️☠️

Svetlana Vetrova ☑️
@svetavetrova
hey @ilyarozanov81 remember that time you asked me to come over like the week before 2017 All Stars and I thought you wanted to fuck, but then we just ended up spending like 2 hours watching those “best shots” compilations that were like 50% Hollander and you sighed longingly every 10 seconds? man you were not slick

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @svetavetrova] perhaps I was studying for All Stars…… first time playing on the same team as Shane, you know. important to prepare

Scott Hunter ☑️
@scott21hunter
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Well now you’re just embarrassing yourself, man. No one has ever “studied” for All-Stars

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scott21hunter] you stay out of this old man, they did not even invite you this year

Scott Hunter ☑️
@scott21hunter
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I’m retired????

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scott21hunter] what is these question marks. you do not even know if you are retired or not??? @kipgradingpapers please come get your man he escaped the old persons home again

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @scott21hunter and @ilyarozanov81] Is this a good time to admit that I definitely studied your gameplay before my first All-Stars, Scott?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @scott21hunter and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] ahhh I see the problem, Hunter….. this studying is something only good players do. no wonder you have no experience

Luca Haas🇨🇭☑️
@LucaHaasEishockey
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @scott21hunter] I definitely studied before my first All-Stars too lol. I was not about to embarrass myself in front of all my heroes😬

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @LucaHaasEishockey] yes this is because you are a good player. I raised you well

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
ofc shane studied when he was a rookie…. that’s pookie

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] And Luca his equally pookie son!!!

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] EXACTLY! you get me

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
hello @scott21hunter please study this before next time I see you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EErY75MXYXI
[Video is titled “HOLLANOV ALL GOALS AND ASSISTS COMPILATION”. It is eight hours and 36 minutes long.]

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
I can’t believe just a couple hours ago we were talking about Tanner Dillon's boring sex life with his girl…….. How did we get here

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] honestly i think roz did it on purpose to distract from dillon

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
[Replying to @theottawazamboni] Oh my god I bet he did. He’s such a good captain, man😭😭😭😭😭

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @hazyhaasy and @theottawazamboni] i mean he also definitely did it for fun bc he’s chaotic evil, but……. two birds one stone yanno

just a samwich
@samwichbred
so uhhhh…. @drover_harris how you doin bud?

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying @samwichbred] wait yeah now that I think about it….. Should we be concerned he hasn’t tweeted since pre-thirst trap? I swear he’s always online

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @samwichbred and @gingeralepapi] Miss Keisha….. Oh my fucking god….. She fucking dead😩😩😩😩

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] 🤣🤣🤣 fr though. even if there’s a scandal they haven’t commented on so he can’t speak yet, he usually still likes tweets as proof of life. I haven’t seen anyone mentioning he’s been active re: this Reddit thing at all

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @gingeralepapi] ugh true he’s a chronic liker…….. he’s so me

Troy Barrett ☑️
@tt_barrett_fwd
thanks everyone for your concern, but sorry, harris cant come to the phone right now. hes currently busy getting a massage. it was gifted to him technically by roz as a thank you for putting up with his bullshit, but was definitely shane’s idea

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @tt_barrett_fwd] uh excuse me I have good ideas. ideas like if you don’t watch yourself everyone is doing bag skates

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @tt_barrett_fwd] It was my idea. Harris deserves much more for the shit Ilya puts him through, but this’ll have to do for now.

Coach Wiebe ☑️
@brandon_wiebe
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Everyone is NOT doing bag skates just because Barrett reported the news, Roz. Overruled.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @brandon_wiebe] STABBED IN THE BACK BY MY VERY OWN COACH😭😭😭

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Oh my god coach @brandon_wiebe NEVER tweets,,,,, what is HAPPENING

Coach Wiebe ☑️
@brandon_wiebe
[Replying to @hazyhaasy] Roz was late to our meeting, so I figured I would see what he was up to that was more important than our weekly check-in. Especially one where we were going to discuss the prospect of suing the pants off the Voys, which I assume would be of interest to him.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @brandon_wiebe] I have been stabbed again…… please……. call an ambulince…. an ambulense…… I do not know how to spell it in this stupid idiot language, call скорой помощи 🚑🚨 #SUEMONTREALNOW

Coach Wiebe ☑️
@brandon_wiebe
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] What’s your ETA?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @brandon_wiebe] 2 mins

Coach Wiebe ☑️
@brandon_wiebe
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I’ll have the stretcher ready.

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
man. i would say i miss when the voys were this funny, but they NEVER WERE TO BEGIN WITH. @voyageurrelapse should we just jump ship

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @justiceformitty] i mean at this point………

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @justiceformiitty and @voyageurrelapse] yes you should 😄

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] aren’t you supposed to be at a meeting with your head coach???

Coach Wiebe ☑️
@brandon_wiebe
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse and @ilyarozanov81] it’s been one minute and 30 seconds…….. tick tock, Roz

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @brandon_wiebe] 🏃🏻‍♂️🏃🏻‍♂️🏃🏻‍♂️🏃🏻‍♂️

Chapter End Notes

the idea of a reddit thread where ppl talk about their nhl hookups is not an original one. i have absolutely no recollection of where i got it from (a fic? twitter? the world may never know), but i heard it somewhere. if anyone knows of any other fics with this premise do let me know tho bc i want to read them all lol

also, in previous chapters i considered making it a recurring bit that literally everyone but gracie @neverhollanover manages to get a reply from ilya, and she is just somehow cursed to always get ignored — but it got too hard to track and it never actually made it in the fic. did i still kind of acknowledge it here as a little inside joke to myself? YES !!!!!

yell with me in the birdhouse prison @ilyaelizabeth

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Chapter Summary

❄️⛸️Mari Bret-Lavigne ☑️
@marianabretlavigne
You’ve been asking for it and it’s finally here…… ONE HOUR until my video goes live🎉🎉🎉
[Link to Youtube premiere of a video entitled “Canada’s Most Decorated Hockey Player in History (and also his deadbeat husband) Try Figure Skating // MariOnIce”]

Chapter Notes

So I started writing this chapter literally back in April, completely forgot about it, and then found it when I had an idea for ANOTHER chapter. So. This one is a surprise to us all!

Disclaimer: I do not skate. I do not play hockey. Everything here I gathered from Google, watching the Winter Olympics, and my friend who played hockey growing up. Any and all of Mari’s specific tips came from Reddit and various skating forums.

All this to say, if things aren’t entirely accurate: sorry dawg, I tried my best. If anything REALLY doesn’t make sense in context, feel free to flag for me lol.

❄️⛸️Mari Bret-Lavigne ☑️
@marianabretlavigne
You’ve been asking for it and it’s finally here…… ONE HOUR until my video goes live🎉🎉🎉
[Link to Youtube premiere of a video entitled “Canada’s Most Decorated Hockey Player in History (and also his deadbeat husband) Try Figure Skating // MariOnIce”]

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
MARRRIIIIIIIIIII

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Lmaooooo what beef does she have with Ilya that’s brutal☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
no bc my gf has been trying to convince me to get into h*ckey for ages……… we WILL be watching this video release live over dinner

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
Mariana Eloise Bret-Lavigne???? my gen z queen??? omg this is going to be great

ilya rozaKNOB
@ilyarozaknob
LIES!! SLANDER!! ILYA ELIZABETH ROZANOV MAY BE AN ANNOYING ASSHOLE, BUT HE’S NO DEADBEAT HUSBAND!!!!!

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @ilyarozaknob] thank you Twitter user ilya rozaKNOB for speaking truth to power…….. see @marianabretlavigne I told you the kids online love me

jords
@rozanovzy
the way he not only chose to respond to a user called ilyarozaknob but also explicitly called out that they call themselves ilyarozaknob………. he’s clinically deranged. mama i love him.

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
this is already so chaotic and the video hasn’t even dropped yet😭😭😭😭

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

Preview cut:

[Shane attempts to do a sit spin, but spins so slowly that he comes to a full stop and falls over sideways.]

SHANE: Oof.

ILYA: [off camera] Please send me the footage of that. I want to watch this every night before bed.

[CUT]

[Shane and Ilya crash into each other on the ice. Shane manages to stay on his feet, but Ilya goes sprawling. Somewhere off camera, Mari laughs.]

MARI: That's not exactly what I meant, but good effort, Shane.

[CUT]

[Ilya sits on the ice, looking dejected.]

ILYA: I have too much juicy ass.

[CUT]

[Fist raised in triumph, Shane skates circles around an amused Ilya.]

SHANE: Take that, sucker!

[CUT]

ILYA: [sprawled out on the ice, ice shavings in his hair] Maaaarrriiiiiii, why did you invite me here just to torture me?

MARI: I didn’t actually invite you, so you did this to yourself.

[CUT]

[Shane stands with Mari in a more interview-like setup, holding their fuzzy little lavalier mics instead of having them clipped to their shirts.]

SHANE: [serious] No, that’s a really smart question. I think for me, the biggest adjustment was—

[Shane yelps as Ilya skates by and drops a handful of ice shavings down the back of his shirt. Ilya races off, cackling; Shane immediately drops the mic and chases after him.]

[Mari sighs and looks into the camera.]

MARI: See, this is why I only wanted Shane.

[INTRO CARD: MARI ON ICE]

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
all i’ve seen is the first 30 seconds and i already know……. hollanovists we’re eating good tonight

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @neverhollanover] and thank god bc ive been HUNGRY

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
my gf: so the one with the dark hair is shane hollander, and the one with the curly hair is ilya rozanov. they were rookies together and the nhl advertised them as huge rivals basically from the start, so—
me: i hope they kiss
my gf: they’re literally married
me: I HOPE THEY KISS

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Mari stands on the ice at a rink, Ilya at her side and Shane on Ilya’s other side.]

MARI: So, I met these guys at the Olympics in Milan earlier this year, when we were all on Team Canada. When we talked about doing this video I wanted to only invite Shane, my cutie patootie boy who is so tiny I can hold him in my hands—

SHANE: I’m older than you. And taller than you. And weigh probably twice as much as you.

MARI: Okay. And?

ILYA: Yeah Shane, and? This is just how the cool people on the internet speak.

MARI: [to Ilya] Don’t take my side, I don’t want you here.

[Ilya grabs Mari by the shoulder to pull her in for a side hug as he grins at the camera. Mari shoves him away, and he teeters into Shane instead.]

MARI: [to camera] As I was SAYING, I only wanted Shane to join me on my channel today, but I got stuck with his deadbeat husband, too, because these two are attached at the hip.

ILYA: You looooove me.

MARI: Debatable.

[CUT]

MARI: I would introduce these guys, but then I realized that was dumb. They’re basically hockey royalty, so if you follow skating, you’ve definitely at least heard of them.

ILYA: What, so you are not telling our romantic love story? I wanted to see if you were more or less accurate than the fanfiction.

MARI: Romantic love story? Weren’t you in a doomed gay situationship for like, a decade?

ILYA: Ah ah, was not doomed. We’re married now.

MARI: [directly to camera] You’ll note he’s not denying the part about the decade-long gay situationship. Shane, would you like to confirm or deny?

SHANE: No comment.

ILYA: What do you know about situationships, anyway? You are one years old.

MARI: My generation literally invented the situationship.

ILYA: Maybe the word, yes, but some of us were doing it before you babies were even born. Wait, what year were you born?

MARI: 2007.

[Shane lets out a sigh of relief, apparently grateful that at least her birth year predates their situationship. Ilya, however, bugs his eyes out overdramatically.]

ILYA: And they let you on the ice? Unsupervised? With knives on your feet?

MARI: I’m old enough to drive a car. And drink.

ILYA: This cannot be right. Should not be allowed. You are baby person.

MARI: Mmmm, sounds a little ageist to me.

ILYA: Yes, I have always been ageist. Just ask Scott Hunter. Not sure he knows how to talk to a little baby like you though, he was there at the Big Bang. They spoke whole other language then.

SHANE: And what language was that?

ILYA: Sounded like [he makes a Charlie Brown-esque “wah wah wah” sound].

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
scott hunter catching strays count: one billion

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] one stray for each year old he is😢

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
in my mind i knew that mari is 19 and 2026-19=2007, but hearing her say that year aloud is just…….. i think i need to sit down. do life alerts still exist? do i need to get one?

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Mari stands on the ice next to Shane. Mari holds a spare pair of ice skates, and Shane holds a spare pair of hockey skates.]

MARI: Something not all of my viewers might know is that the skates we wear for figure skating and ice dancing are actually different from the skates you wear for hockey.

[Shane holds up the hockey skates next to Mari’s. We cut to an insert shot of the two skates next to each other as he speaks.]

SHANE: Hockey skates have what’s called a rockered blade, which just means it’s a little curved up at the front and back. This allows us to accelerate quickly, and to stop or turn sharply.

MARI: Whereas figure skates have a completely flat blade, and are a little longer as well — unlike the hockey skates, the blade extends beyond the edge of the boot a bit. Just a little bit though, not nearly as much as something like speed skates.

[Cut back to Shane and Mari on ice.]

SHANE: Have you ever worn speed skates?

MARI: No. Have you?

SHANE: I tried once. Tripped like six times.

MARI: I think a lot of people would pay to see that.

SHANE: [glances behind him off camera] I think my husband would be the first.

ILYA [off camera, a little muffled]: What did you say, lyubov?

[CUT]

MARI: The biggest difference between figure skates and hockey skates, though, is the pick at the front.

SHANE: Ah, yes. The bane of every hockey player’s existence.

MARI: That seems a little dramatic.

SHANE: Every time I’ve worn figure skates, I've had to remind myself about the pick the entire time, otherwise I’d catch it and faceplant.

MARI: Another thing a lot of people would pay to see. But you may not have to pay for it after all, depending on how this video goes!

SHANE: Picks cause us trouble even outside of wearing the skates, though. This is less of an issue in pros because there’s less ice-sharing, but when I was in juniors and we would play on the rink after a figure skating session, it was always the worst. You guys leave giant divots all over the ice from your picks!

MARI: It’s not like you guys are any better! You’re constantly leaving big long grooves in the ice from your drama queen stops!

SHANE: Those are way easier to resurface than a divot.

[In the background Ilya appears in frame, walking precariously across the ice on tiptoe, balancing on his picks. Mari and Shane pause to look at him for a moment — Mari holding in her laughter, Shane looking exasperated.]

[Ilya wobbles and drops back down to flat feet. He looks at the camera with a grin.]

ILYA: Can’t do that on hockey skates.

SHANE: I bet I still could.

ILYA: I’d like to see you try.

SHANE: I bet you would.

MARI: Okay, anyway—

[CUT]

bee
@roty24
shane seems so comfortable with her, he’s even giving her shit 🥹🥹🥹🥹 i’m so glad he feels more comfortable now making friends among the other winter sports athletes and being on camera with them

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @roty24] remember that time when team canada tried to do a segment with him and tessa virtue for the 2014 olympics? that was so awkward lol

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] omg yes. and it was extra weird bc scott moir wasn’t there. like, why do a segment with only one half of an ice dance pair??? and then all their shippers were mad that they had paired her off with someone else

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @neverhollanover and @roty24] oh my god the tesscott vs. hollandessa ship wars…… i had blocked those out of my memory

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] People were shipping Shane with Tessa virtue?????

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
[Replying to @shilya2481] a small but loud subset of fans yes lmao. and then the shaydens got involved, and it got so messy that supposedly team canada even considered taking the video down 💀💀💀💀

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] i just rewatched the clip because i didn’t remember it being that bad but oh my god you were NOT kidding about how awkward he was….. i cannot believe anyone would come out of that thinking shane was attracted to any woman at all, much less tessa. i guess people really do see what they want to see lol

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

MARI: Have you ever tried figure skating before?

SHANE: A few times — I had a buddy growing up who was a figure skater. I can do the basics, you know? A bunny hop, a spiral.

ILYA: I do not even know what these words mean. Shane is the only bunny I know.

[Shane shoves at Ilya, annoyed at the nickname.]

ILYA: [stage whispers to Mari] Angry bunny.

MARI: You’ve never tried? Not even when you were younger? I thought I read somewhere that your mom was a figure skater.

[Ilya blinks, startled by Mari’s curveball.]

ILYA: Ah, yes. She was… very good skater. Not professional, or anything, but she did love it very much. Was her idea to get me on ice to begin with.

[Mari furrows her brow. Genuinely curious and not realizing the landmine she’s about to step on, she prods further.]

MARI: But she never taught you any figure skating? Why not?

ILYA: Ah, no. I am sure she would like this very much. But, uh… if I wanted to skate, hockey was my only option.

MARI: [confused] They didn’t have figure skating coaches or something, where you’re from?

ILYA: No, no, I am from Moscow, there are many very good coaches. Maybe if I had been a girl, I would be giving you a running for your money.

MARI: But?

ILYA: But I am not a girl. Which my husband here loves because he is horrible at dating women. He could not even keep Rose Landry—

[Shane whacks Ilya upside the head, but he’s suppressing a smile. Ilya grins back, but then pauses to think about how to tactfully phrase the rest of his point.]

ILYA: But because I am a boy, hockey was the only thing that was… allowed, for me.

[Mari looks a bit taken aback as his meaning dawns on her, as though she didn’t even consider that was a possibility.]

[Ilya looks helplessly around a bit, aware that he’s brought the mood down. Shane reaches out and gives his hand a squeeze.]

SHANE: Which makes it all that much more unhinged that he’s so overconfident about this whole thing.

[Ilya bumps his shoulder into Shane’s as a thank you for redirecting the conversation. Shane just smiles at him.]

ILYA: What is this “overconfident” you talk about? Seems like a silly Canadian problem. We do not have this problem in Russia.

MARI: [to the camera] Before any of you come at me for skipping the basics with these guys and jumping straight into harder stuff, I’d like to remind you that they asked for this.

Grey
@grey4cens
There’s a really mean part of me that thinks it would be really funny if Roz actually crashes and burns after being so overconfident, but knowing him….. I fear he may actually be good at this

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
i spent months on bunny hops when i started skating. MONTHS. men sure do have some audacity

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
so are we gonna address the implication that ilya wouldn’t have been allowed to figure skate even if he wanted to bc… what, it’s too feminine? and he had to play the violent sport instead?

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @24rozanov] i mean, unfortunately it does track with everything he’s kinda sorta danced around with his dad and his brother being very much NOT cool with the whole gay thing :(

Jessica M
@jesslovestheworld
[Replying @barrettredemptionarc] Hes not gay, hes bi

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @jesslovestheworld] yeah so am i. i’m using gay as an umbrella term here. go back to licking autism speaks’s boot

Jessica M
@jesslovestheworld
[Replying @barrettredemptionarc] Thats uncalled for

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
[Replying to @jesslovestheworld] your brother still hates you, jessica

sparkie🚬🫩
@voyageurrelapse
i’m not even a cens fan but every detail i hear about this man’s childhood takes a year off my life

franci {newly-minted montreal hater}
@justiceformiitty
[Replying to @voyageurrelapse] join the dark side, sparkie……… betray those voyaging fuckers like i did……….

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Mari demonstrates a basic step sequence. Cut to Ilya doing the same — it takes him a moment to string it all together, but he’s able to pull it off.]

MARI: [reluctantly] Honestly, that’s pretty good.

SHANE: With those edges? Good is a stretch.

[Ilya skates back towards the camera and stops in front of Shane, spraying him with ice chips.]

ILYA: Okay, let’s see yours then.

SHANE: Fine. [to Mari] Can I see it one more time please?

[Mari demonstrates the step sequence, Shane watching intently.]

[Then, we cut to Shane executing the step sequence practically perfectly on the first try. Mari whistles, impressed.]

MARI: Now THOSE are some edges.

[Shane skates up to Ilya and grins at him, gloating.]

SHANE: Did you hear that, Ilya? Mari said my edges are better than yours.

MARI: [laughing] Okay, if this is too easy for you two, let’s add a bit of artistry, why don’t we?

[CUT]

[The camera follows Mari as she executes the same step sequence, but with some flowy arm movements and head turns added. It’s all very elegant and graceful.]

[She skates back over to Shane and Ilya.]

MARI: It’s all about being fluid, using your body and face to convey emotion.

ILYA: What emotion?

MARI: Hm?

ILYA: If you want me to “convey emotion”, you have to tell me what emotion. Angry? Annoyed? [looks mischievously at Shane] Umami?

SHANE: [rolling his eyes] For the last time, Ilya, umami is a flavor. It’s not an emotion.

ILYA: That’s what you think.

SHANE: Yes, it is what I think. And it’s factually correct.

ILYA: [shaking his head] No whimsy, Hollander.

MARI: And you have too much whimsy, Rozanov, because in what universe did what I just demonstrate give angry or annoyed?

ILYA: [shrugs] I don’t know what you look like when you’re annoyed. Maybe that was it.

MARI: No. [She gestures down at her person, but she’s laughing.] THIS is it.

ILYA: Ah, okay. So I learned something today.

SHANE: Stop terrorizing her, Ilya.

[CUT]

[Ilya does the step sequence again, this time with the added elements. His artistry is actually quite good — you can tell it’s not practiced or refined, but it looks natural on him.]

[Cut to Mari standing with him across the ice from the camera, giving Ilya a few pointers.]

[Cut to Ilya, even smoother and more fluid than the last time. He skates up to Mari, who is back to standing closer to the camera.]

ILYA: Did you see that one, Mari? That emotion was “annoyed”.

MARI: I was going to give you a compliment but I don’t think I will anymore.

ILYA: Is okay, I do not need compliments from little tiny babies. Shane, compliment me.

SHANE: No.

ILYA: [looking into the camera] Do you see how he treats me? This is the truth about Canada’s golden boy.

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
okay remember what i said about men’s audacity? unfortunately…. in this case…… i do fear mr. rozanov was right to be audacious ,,,

bee
@roty24
“with those edges?” i love how much of a bitch shane secretly is lmaoooooo

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] we NEED to get this man as a guest judge on Drag Race

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @shilya2481] in theory I love this idea, but in practice I fear he would just be giving spooked deer the entire time. Remember when the Cens did a gay slang quiz on their socials and he got literally 0%? Even though it was multiple choice?

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @horseman12 and @shilya2481] my client is a statistical anomaly🙌🙌🙌

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
okay i’m almost never into mascs but i have to say, this wasian boy’s crossovers……. Hot

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
[Replying to @toelooopmandy] my lesbian gf approves this message btw

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Shane attempts the step sequence with the added artistry.]

[He is… well, he’s trying his best. But he is DEEPLY awkward with it. He’s stiff as fuck, and it looks like his upper body and lower body are operating on completely separate planes of existence. With his focus so deeply pointed at the artistry of it all, his technical performance of the step sequence deteriorates. It’s clear that while Ilya is able to take it on the chin, Shane’s skills and hockey defaults are just so set in stone in his body from years and years of practice that he can’t be flexible with it at all.]

MARI: Think of your body like a river. If it’s not soft and fluid, it can’t flow. Try it again with that in mind.

[Shane looks quizzically at his own arms for a moment, but resets and tries again. It is somehow even worse than before. He is not a river. He does not flow. He is a tree trunk with limbs akimbo. He is a Minecraft character on ice.]

[He looks to Mari, a little helpless.]

SHANE: Was that better?

MARI: Um… it was… well, I can see that you’re thinking about my corrections—

SHANE: But thinking made it worse?

MARI: [makes a face] …Yes.

[Off-camera, we hear Ilya snicker.]

[CUT]

[Shane attempts the step sequence with added artistry a third time. Midway through, Mari stops him in place and physically guides his arms into a more relaxed position. She backs up to look at the whole picture. It still looks… weird.]

MARI: [at a loss] Hm.

[With Shane struggling with Mari’s corrections, Ilya skates up to help her out.]

ILYA: Is like how if you are too stiff in hockey you cannot react fast enough, yes? Be fluid like this.

[Ilya reaches out to guide Shane’s arm much like Mari did, but Shane shoots him a sharp glare that has Ilya backing off immediately, arms up in surrender.]

ILYA: [in Russian, subtitled] Fine, okay, my sweet zamboni.

[Shane petulantly skates off to run the sequence again.]

alina in hockeytown❤️
@whenwheelsfly
i’m getting a lot of people asking if that was an accurate translation and the answer is yes lmao #thatsmyzamboni

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
okay remember what i said about the wasian boy’s crossovers? nvm he just ruined it. why does his upper body look like a piece of plywood

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @toelooopmandy] little Canadian boy is so used to being frozen solid in winter….. he did not know it was possible to not be stiff as ice…… #thatsmyzamboni (thank u Alina for this beautiful hashtag but I would like to be clear he is only MY zamboni, I do not share)

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] aren’t you from russia??? where it is also cold in winter??? (btw my gf is hyperventilating about the fact that you responded to me)

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @toelooopmandy] yes but Russians are always kept warm and sexy by the power of vodka. (has your gf tried box breathing? is very helpful)

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @toelooopmandy] Ilya that doesn’t even make sense.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @toelooopmandy] box breathing makes a lot of sense. you sent me articles about it

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @toelooopmandy] 🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @ilyarozanov81] maybe i DO like hockey after all #thatsmyzamboni

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
that man’s ability to track down and reply to random twitter users who didn’t mention him by name and hardly even know who he is continues to be unparalleled

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
the way that with a single Look shane gets ilya to back off no questions asked…… #dogwalker #thatsmyzamboni

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Shane and Ilya are now attempting some sit spins. In the foreground, we watch Ilya’s attempt: it’s decent, but not quite there yet.]

MARI: You’re sitting too soon.

ILYA: Why is it called a sit spin if I’m not supposed to sit?

MARI: You are, you just can’t rush the entrance. Here—

[Mari walks over to correct his form. In the meantime, the camera pans to Shane’s attempt. With the slowest entry known to mankind, he’s only halfway sat before he whacks the heel of his blade on the ice, stopping short what little momentum he had.]

[CUT]

[Ilya, finally sitting at the right time, pulls off a brief sit spin. He jumps to his feet, face lighting up.]

ILYA: Ha! Did you see that??

[Mari reluctantly claps for Ilya’s sit spin, her gloves muffling the sound of her applause. Shane smiles and accepts the kiss on the cheek his husband gives him, but as soon as Ilya skates away to attempt another spin, Shane’s face drops into an expression of intense focus, studying his husband’s technique.]

[CUT]

[We watch as Shane repeatedly attempts a sit spin. He keeps whacking the heel of his blade ]

MARI: Turn your top foot out more, it’ll keep you from hitting your heel.

[The shot from the preview cut: Shane he finally gets the positioning correct, but spins so slowly that he comes to a full stop and falls over sideways.]

SHANE: Oof.

ILYA: [off camera] Please send me the video of that. I want to watch this every night before bed.

[CUT]

[Mari teaches Ilya how to gracefully come out of the spin and transition straight into stepwork. With a few pointers and re-positionings here and there, he picks it up quickly.]

[Off to the side, Shane attempts — and fails — more sit spins. He falls onto his ass with a grunt, the furrow in his brow deepening. Ilya takes note of this and skates over, holding out an arm and heaving Shane to his feet.]

ILYA: All that yoga and you’re still not better than me at this?

SHANE: Shut up. I’m plenty flexible, that’s not the problem.

ILYA: What is the problem, then?

SHANE: It’s just… this is a whole other skill set. I’m so used to being in hockey mode that trying to make my body do something completely different on the ice isn’t intuitive at all.

MARI: Maybe spins just aren’t your thing. Wanna try some jumps?

bee
@roty24
shane😭😭😭😭 it’s okay if you’re not perfect at everything right away😭😭😭😭

Gay Sex Saved Hockey
@shilya2481
[Replying to @roty24] *Shane Hollander voice* “Um actually, that is not correct”

cambry zamboni
@theottawazamboni
roz: wheeeeeeeeeee look at meeeee this is so fun!!!!!
holly: *experiencing The Horrors*

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Mari demonstrates a waltz jump: a basic jump with a half rotation.]

[Cut to both Shane and Ilya attempting it. Ilya picks it up relatively quickly. Shane takes a bit more time and has a wobbly landing, but they can both do it.]

MARI: Damn. That wasn’t bad.

ILYA: Yes, I am a generational talent, we all know. I think I will need something harder to show off my skills.

MARI: [rolls her eyes] Usually we’d start a new skater with a toe loop, but since you guys hate the pick so much, let’s avoid it for now and try a salchow.

[CUT]

[We watch Ilya’s attempts at a single salchow. It’s a bit sloppy, but he’s able to land it after a few tries.]

[Shane, however, struggles. He’s repeatedly catching his pick on the ice, and he’s getting increasingly frustrated.]

SHANE: This stupid [BLEEP] pick.

ILYA: Is this excuses I am hearing from The Shane Hollander? What is it you told me last week when my stick broke in half against those trolls in Vegas? “Only an amateur blames the equipment”?

[Shane shoots another scathing glare at Ilya. Mari skates between them, intervening.]

MARI: Okay, well if you keep hitting the pick anyway, why don’t we try a toe loop? That way you’re using it intentionally.

[Cut to Mari coaching Shane through a toe loop. He once again struggles. The edit shows Shane just eating it, again and again — face in ice, ass on ice, and one particularly impressive fall where somehow his face and ass hit the ice simultaneously.]

MARI: Look, Shane, I don’t want you to get hurt. It’s really okay if—

[Mari suddenly cuts herself off and whips her head towards Ilya, who’s just at the edge of the camera frame a bit further back. The eagle-eyed viewer may have noticed that as Mari was speaking to Shane, Ilya had landed… something, in the background.]

MARI: What the hell was that?

ILYA: [smug] I thought you’re the expert. You don’t know?

MARI: Do it again.

[With a grin, Ilya repeats his jump. It’s not pretty — it’s slightly under-rotated, deeply off-balance, and his arms are flailing every which way — but he does land what is undeniably a single axel.]

[Mari’s jaw drops.]

MARI: How did you learn that?

ILYA: Welllll, my teacher was ignoring me, too busy playing favorites with my Shanya, so I looked up videos online.

MARI: [reluctantly impressed] Damn.

ILYA: Maybe it is genetic, mm? I got it from my mama. [grins]

jords
@rozanovzy
of course he can just throw a fucking axel. of course he can. i hate him (i would die for him)

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
oh so these guys are CRAZY crazy….. got it

👊🏻grant
@barrettredemptionarc
???? i know nothing about figure skating and even i know that is like famously the hardest jump to do. what is his problem omg

Omika🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender
@hazyhaasy
Teacher’s pet Shane Hollander getting mad that the class clown who always fucks off is getting a better grade than him slfjkasdflksf

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
him bringing up his mom again, this time of his own free will……. DONT LOOK AT ME

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

[Back to Shane’s stubborn attempts at a toe loop, this time with both Mari and Ilya flanking him and coaching.]

MARI: Nose over toes, nose over toes—

[Shane lands a jump with the proper entry, but it’s only a half rotation at best. He huffs in frustration.]

MARI: Okay, but that was better! Your form is improving, you just need more power now. Take the power you started with, and combine it with this form that you’ve learned.

[Shane makes another attempt — it is, once again, only a half rotation.]

ILYA: Shanya, you are trying to jump off of a completely straight leg. You cannot jump this way.

SHANE: [sarcastic] Thanks, Ilya, I had no idea how the physics of jumping works.

ILYA: I’m just trying to help!

SHANE: You’ve never even done this one, how are you supposed to help me?

ILYA: Okay fine, I will try it. Then maybe you will listen to my tips. [to Mari] Taking off and landing are both outside edge, yes?

[Mari nods. Ilya, focused, skates through the motions slowly a few times without actually jumping. Then, he attempts a proper toe loop.]

[Ilya is all over the place in the air. He only just barely completes the rotation. His landing is wobbly. But he does, indeed, land a single toe loop on the first try.]

[He shouts out in excitement, then skates in a circle with arms raised triumphantly. Mari reluctantly applauds. Shane’s mouth is twisted up in a brand new sour shape previously unknown to mankind.]

ILYA: [gloating at Shane] Ha, now you HAVE to listen to my tips. I am expert figure skater, we do not even need Mari anymore.

SHANE: One toe loop does not make you an expert.

ILYA: Ah, but you see, it is not just one toe loop. [He skates towards Shane, reaching his hand out to his husband.] It is a toe loop, and salchow, and waltz, and axel, and—

SHANE: [swatting Ilya’s hand away and skating away from the camera] Yeah, we get it.

[Ilya’s face falls, and his eyes laser in on Shane’s back. He follows his husband, grabbing him by the arm and spinning him back around to face him.]

ILYA: [softer] Hey, we are just playing, yes?

[Shane glances briefly at the camera, then averts his eyes. The camera drops a bit, as if the operator isn’t sure if they should keep filming or not.]

SHANE: I know.

ILYA: Do you want to end the video?

[Ilya reaches out to grab Shane’s hands. Shane gestures helplessly, but doesn’t let go.]

SHANE: No, no, it’s fine. I just… I’m supposed to be good at this.

ILYA: Oh, really? I did not realize humans were made to be good at doing twirls with knives on feet. First we build fire, next we farm potatoes, next we do triple axels.

[Shane tugs at Ilya’s arms playfully.]

SHANE: You know what I mean.

ILYA: Has been many years since you were not the best at something on ice, yes? You were already scoring Michigans at six months old.

SHANE: [suppressing his smile] Shut up.

ILYA: Last time was maybe….. mmm, 2014, when I won the Stanley Cup and you did not.

SHANE: Right, as opposed to 2015, 2016, and 2020, when I won it and you, famously, lost.

ILYA: Ah ah ah, this does not count. These mean nothing, my husband tells me, because he cannot do a flying twirly-doo on his first try. His Calder trophy and his Conn Smythe, these mean nothing too. Also his Lady Byng, three Ted Lindsays, two Harts, four Art Rosses—

SHANE: Five Art Rosses.

ILYA: Yes, how could I forget.

SHANE: You’re thinking of how many Art Rosses YOU’VE won. Which is less than how many I’ve won.

ILYA: Right. But of course, none of these things count because you took three tries to do a whirlish dirvish.

SHANE: Whirling dervish.

ILYA: Huh?

SHANE: It’s a whirling dervish, not a whirlish dervish.

ILYA: Whatever. My husband cannot do this silly stupid thing so it is the end of the world. What will happen to his post-retirement plan of becoming world’s oldest Olympic figure skater? He will have to recalibrate. Should I call Yuna?

SHANE: [with stars in his eyes] I hate you.

ILYA: Is okay, malysh. We can become one of those ice dancing couples where I just throw you in the air, I think you’d be good at that. [He grabs Shane by the waist and tugs him closer.] And we all know how much you like being manhandled.

SHANE: I’ll manhandle YOU—

[Shane turns to lunge at him, but Ilya has already begun skating away full speed. Shane gives chase, and it turns into an intense race. It’s giving All-Stars skills competition rematch.]

[Soon they’re almost on top of each other, Shane nearly ready to overtake — when suddenly Ilya catches his pick on the ice, throwing off his stride and sending him careening face-first towards the ground. Shane manages to grab him from behind and slow his fall, avoiding a full faceplant, but they both still end up being sent sprawling.]

[Loath to miss an opportunity for quality entertainment, the reinvigorated camera operator skates towards them to get a better shot of the two men in a laughing, tangled heap on the ice.]

SHANE: What was that you said about blaming the equipment?

ILYA: Ah, is okay. I was due for a trip anyway, after you took one for the team the first time.

SHANE: [grumbling] Not funny.

ILYA: I dunno, I think it’s kinda funny.

[Shane looks sharply at Ilya, but almost immediately softens at his husband’s unsuccessful attempts to mask his smile. After a moment, Ilya grabs Shane gently by the chin and pulls him in for a sweet kiss.]

[Suddenly, one of Mari’s gloves flies into the frame and hits Ilya square in the side of the head.]

MARI: Get a room!!!!

[Shane goes red, shoving Ilya off of him. He turns his back to the camera, stands, and skates away.]

SHANE: [muttering, barely picked up by the mic] Sorry.

[Ilya just starfishes on the ice and cackles.]

SHANE HOLLANDER PROTECT
@shanehollander_protect
SHANE STANS! We are mobilizing to report @marianabretlavigne and her newest video. She INAPPROPRIATELY and INSENSITIVELY shared a personal, vulnerable moment of our Shaney that should NOT have been for public consumption. Sign the petition asking for Mariana’s public apology here: https://tinyurl.com/4cbaftej

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @shanehollander_protect] ?????????

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @shanehollander_protect] heyyyyy girlie! have you considered touching grass? or maybe getting a lobotomy? or maybe eating hot magma? ❤️❤️❤️

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying to @shanehollander_protect] oh girl……

❄️⛸️Mari Bret-Lavigne ☑️
@marianabretlavigne
My regular viewers all know this, but this video is bringing in some new faces who are rightfully very concerned about their favorite hockey players, so please know that both @shanehollanderhockeyplayer (🥰) and @ilyarozanov81(🤢) viewed and approved the cut of this video before I posted it. You’re not seeing anything that they’re not okay with you seeing💕💫

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @marianabretlavigne] translation: STOP BEING BOYMOMS YOU PARASOCIAL FREAKS

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @marianabretlavigne] yes, too bad Shane made you cut out the sex tape portion

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @marianabretlavigne] For the record: MARI HAS NEVER SEEN OR HAD ACCESS TO ANY SEX TAPE OF OURS.

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @ilyarozanov81] if i had a nickel for every time hollzy himself publicly implied that a hollanov sex tape definitely exists (possibly sex tapes plural????), i’d have two nickels. which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. #releasethesextape

gracie (world’s first hollanov addict)
@neverhollanover
the way they just forgot anyone else was in the room……….. #yeah #needthat

kier✨#30
@brickwallhazy
mari is so brave for dealing with them on her own

Nate #ViveCens
@horseman12
[Replying to @brickwallhazy] It’s giving annoying dads embarrassing their teen daughter😂😂😂😂

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
No but let’s fucking talk about how Ilya clocked when Shane was starting to get actually upset (vs. just silly competition) and immediately went into fix-it mode and reminded him who the fuck he is

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
[Replying to @freckledhllndr] because god forbid a man isn’t perfect at something the first try……….. a woman would never have to be babied like that🤷🏻‍♀️

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] I’ve tolerated a lot from you over the years, Twitter user scottsbananasocks………. I’ve reluctantly let you get away with going after my man’s man……… but going after SHANE HOLLANDER HIMSELF?????? ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOU ARE #BLOCKED. NO MORE FRECKLES FOR YOU

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @scottsbananasocks] and what if a woman wanted to be babied like that. what then. @24rozanov if i was sad bc i was bad at skating my first try, would you baby me

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander and @scottsbananasocks] yes

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @24rozanov and @scottsbananasocks] LOVE AND EQUALITY WINS!!!! can we go on an ice skating date🥺🥺🥺🥺

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander and @scottsbananasocks] ofc baby☺️

sky🍌
@scottsbananasocks
[Replying to @24rozanov and @81hollander] can you two keep your flirting out of my mentions??????

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @24rozanov and @scottsbananasocks] no😊😁🥰

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander and @scottsbananasocks] what she said🥵🥵🥵

jords
@rozanovzy
ilya “down bad” rozanov knowing all of his husband’s trophy wins off the top of his head……. i see u

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @rozanovzy] i mean he did get one wrong lol

jords
@rozanovzy
[Replying to @roty24] Ilya Rozanov Did That On Purpose To Ragebait His Husband Into Being Less Upset. In This Essay I Will—

bee
@roty24
[Replying to @rozanovzy] honestly…. point taken lmao

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

MARI: Wait, I have something I wanna try. I think Shane might be good at it.

[Ilya nudges Shane.]

ILYA: See, I told you. You're the teacher's favorite.

[CUT]

[The camera follows as Mari glides across the ice in a cantilever — legs turned out and in a deep squat, her entire upper body leaned back so far that it’s parallel to the ice, her arms thrown over her head. Her balance is precarious, and looks like it shouldn’t even be possible according to the laws of physics.]

[The camera pans to Ilya and Shane. Shane looks wary, but Ilya only nods.]

ILYA: Yeah. Easy.

SHANE: Easy? I promise that is way harder than it looks. She’s young and spry and does this all the time. We’re 35 years old.

ILYA: Oh, now you are using age as an excuse? Of course you are, you old man.

SHANE: You are only one month younger than me. And even with all that youth, you still couldn’t make it through my pilates class.

ILYA: Pilates class? What pilates class? I only remember torture class with torture machines.

SHANE: Joseph Pilates literally invented it as a form of rehab to benefit whole-body health. It’s not torture.

ILYA: Joseph is a liar. His pants are on fire.

SHANE: He’s dead.

ILYA: Did they burn him? Like uhhh, cremate or whatever?

SHANE: I dunno. Why?

ILYA: Then his pants really would be on fire.

[CUT]

[Shane attempts a cantilever under the supervision of Mari. He’s not quite there — his hips are dipping too low and his knees aren’t quite turned out enough — but he’s close.]

[He makes a few more attempts, each closer than the last. Finally, on the fifth or sixth try, he pulls it off. Everyone cheers. Then, a triumphant Shane skates up to Ilya and pokes him in the chest.]

SHANE: What are you waiting for, Ilya? You chicken?

ILYA: Oh, no, I was just waiting for the amateurs to be done.

SHANE: Uh-huh. Lemme see what you got.

[Ilya skates out to center ice and follows Mari’s instructions. He gains a bit of momentum, squats down low, starts to lean back… then his eyes go wide and he immediately yanks his upper body back upright.]

ILYA: Holy [BLEEP].

SHANE: [laughing] THAT scared you? You barely even leaned back!

ILYA: I’m just warming up.

[Shane and Mari exchange a knowing look.]

[CUT]

[We see several shots of Ilya attempting a cantilever. He does get brave enough to lean back further, but he can’t properly pull it off — his butt keeps dragging on the ground.]

SHANE: [smirking] So all that ass is just for show, then? It can’t even hold you up?

ILYA: No, is worse than that, Shane… I have too much juicy ass. [He frowns exaggeratedly.] It is weighing me down.

SHANE: Uh-huh. Blaming the equipment again, I see.

MARI: Not to ruin the flirt fest…

ILYA: I think that is exactly what you want to do, actually.

MARI: Well… you got me there. But Ilya, it looks like your ass is dropping not because you don’t have the glute strength to hold it up, but because you don't have the upper and inner quad strength to counterbalance your upper body leaning back. So instead of just letting yourself fall back, your body is instinctively protecting you from bonking your head by dropping your butt instead.

SHANE: Maybe if you joined me more often on those extra Sunday training sessions…

ILYA: Even if I did, you would still get more quad workouts than me.

SHANE: Huh?

ILYA: Yes, when you ride my—

[Ilya is cut off when Mari throws her other glove and it lands directly in his mouth.]

SHANE: [to Mari] Have you ever played baseball or softball or anything? Your aim is great.

MARI: [grins] My parents own a bar. I was hustling old guys at darts by the time I was ten.

[CUT]

[Iya makes another attempt. Once again, he fails.]

MARI: You also need more turnout on your eagle. I thought you guys did this in hockey too?

ILYA: Not on the outside edge like maniacs!

MARI: C’mon, your hips are too closed.

ILYA: What, a hip is like a door? You can open and close it?

SHANE: She means you’re not opening your legs wide enough.

ILYA: [lights up] Ah, yes. Well you see, Shane, I simply do not have the experience you do in opening my legs—

[CUT]

[Mari forces Ilya’s legs open into a proper eagle position. Ilya looks like he’s in pain. Mari is enjoying it way too much.]

ILYA: [BLEEP] [BLEEP] What the [BLEEP], Mari??? The human body is not supposed to do this!

SHANE: You know, if your spread eagle was better, your mohawk dekes would be way more believable.

ILYA: Excuse me?? My mohawk dekes are just fine!

SHANE: And you’re content with just fine? The only reason you ever get people with them is because you over-rely on tricky stickhandling. That’s the real thing feinting them out, not the mohawk itself.

[The camera zooms in on Ilya’s speechless indignation. Shane just skates away and executes a textbook cantilever.]

[Ilya looks directly into the camera.]

ILYA: He’s lucky that’s so hot.

just a samwich
@samwichbred
hey so uh…….. @drover_harris since we’re buddies now…….. cens try pilates content for the socials? isn’t one of the wags (i’m sorry, i forget who) a pilates instructor? something for the offseason, perchance………

MY REAL NAME IS LILY I SWEAR
@gingeralepapi
[Replying to @81hollander] genius. seconding this

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @samwichbred] you are NOT buddies with harris drover smdh

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @81hollander and @samwichbred] 👀👀👀Sam have you ever considered a career in social media?

just a samwich
@samwichbred
[Replying to @drover_harris] i’m actually a comms and media media studies major at carleton university rn 🫪🫪🫪🫪and looking for an internship next semester to do my capstone on………… haha what if…… 👉🏻👈🏻

Harris Drover
@drover_harris
[Replying to @samwichbred] no guarantees, but…. dm me😉

just a samwich
@samwichbred
see @81hollander??? buddies!!!!

BAILEY ALL CAPS
@81hollander
[Replying to @samwichbred] I SWEAR TO GOD if you get to meet hollanov before i do………

jiwon😌
@24rozanov
[Replying to @81hollander and @samwichbred] okay but this could be our in with them, bails🫣🫣🫣

EXCERPT FROM VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

MARI: Thank you so much to Shane and Ilya for joining me on my channel today! It was so great to have you. Not at all scarring, and I definitely won’t have to edit half of this out to make it appropriate for my audience, which contains a not insignificant number of minors.

ILYA: They will have to learn about the birds and bees, anyway. We are just getting them started.

MARI: Does it count if you’re both bees in this scenario?

ILYA: Is bees the boy? I never knew. Was always just confused about how birds and bees were [BLEEP] each other.

MARI: Yeah, bees represent men because they spread their nasty pollen all around. [fake gags]

SHANE: You know, in real life male honeybees don’t carry pollen at all. It’s only the female bees who spread the pollen and make the honey. The male bees literally just exist to impregnate other colonies’ queens, and once they do, they die.

MARI: So the men are just sex-obsessed moochers who do nothing to contribute to the colony?

SHANE: Yeah, basically. In the fall, the female bees kick all the male bees out of the hive so that they stop wasting hive resources as they prepare to weather the winter. The males can’t actually fend for themselves, so they all just die.

MARI: Wow. I wish it was socially acceptable for humans to do that.

ILYA: Same.

MARI: [looking at Ilya quizzically] Unless you have something to tell me, you’re a man. You would get kicked out of the hive and die.

ILYA: Oh no, I would not make it this far. I would go [BLEEP] the queen and die. Perfect way to go out.

[Ilya grabs Shane by the waist and kisses his jaw. Shane’s brow furrows.]

SHANE: Are you implying that I’m the queen here?

ILYA: Mmm, yes. My queen. And then you would have one billion hockey prodigy babies.

SHANE: You’d be dead, though. Are you going to make me a single mother?

ILYA: It is not MY fault that the bees die as soon as they [BLEEP], Shane. But do not worry, they will all be perfect, good behavior Shane Hollander bee babies, so will be okay.

MARI: How did we get so far off-topic?

SHANE: I’m sorry, Mari.

ILYA: I’m not. Had a good time, though.

SHANE: Yeah, thanks for tolerating us.

MARI: [sighs] Unfortunately, it was kind of fun. Comment, like, subscribe, whatever. I’m sure this video will have engagement through the roof, I don’t actually need to remind you.

[Shane yelps as Ilya picks him up, spinning them around.]

ILYA: You are welcome!!! Everyone subscribe!!!

[End of video.]

franci {montreal sufferer}
@justiceformiitty
hey @marianabretlavigne, i think you and @pikehayd_ would be friends. possibly co-captains of the anti roz squad
[Retweeted by Hayden Pike ☑️]

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
So streets are saying Rosanov confirmed sissy and Hollander confirmed hockey robot incapable of literally anything else? Yeah checks out lmfao

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @dkent_guardy] Easton buddy I am married to a man. me being sissy is not news, I think. you are saying I am sissy because I can make arms do artistry? this is because I have held many women in my life. maybe you should try sometime. but I bet it is difficult to find one who will even look at you, much less fuck you :/

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Fuck you I get tons of pussy

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @dkent_guardy] ah, so you let these women put a bag over your head so they don’t have to look at you while you disappoint them? I cannot think of any other way women would be willing to sleep with you

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Dude if your so proud of being a fuckin sissy why are you targeting me. I didn’t do anything

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @dkent_guardy] oh so calling my beautiful perfect talented full of life husband a “hockey robot” is nothing? if this is nothing, I am sure you won’t mind if I call you a chopped broke incel with broken penis who wouldn’t recognize pussy if it slapped you in the face

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @dkent_guardy] Ilya.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @dkent_guardy] ah yes Shane thank you for showing up, this is a good example for Easton to see what the opposite of him is. sexy rich big dick man with great fucking sex life who despite being a gay man has given women more orgasms in his life than Mr. Easton ever has

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @dkent_guardy] ILYA.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @dkent_guardy] yes sweetheart?

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @dkent_guardy] Are you done?

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @dkent_guardy] mmmm depends. why, do you have plans for us? 🫦🍆💦

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] GET THIS GAY SHIT OUT OF MY MENTIONS

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @dkent_guardy] my Shanebug come here, let’s record a sex tape and put it in Easton’s mentions

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @dkent_guardy and @ilyarozanov81] No.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @dkent_guardy] :(

Easton Bray
@dkent_guardy
[Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] Hey Hollander call off your fag lapdog or I’ll report you both for harrassment

Shane Hollander #24 ☑️
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
[Replying to @dkent_guardy and @ilyarozanov81] You’ll report US for harassment? After using a slur to describe my husband? That’s funny. You’d best keep my man’s name out of your fucking mouth or else I’ll get you summarily banned from this website.

And if you’re going to insult him, at least spell his name right. That’s Rozanov with a Z. I know you have a grade 1 reading level, but even 6-year-olds can copy the letters in front of them. Maybe work on that before talking shit on the internet about things you don’t have the capacity to understand.

Ilya Rozanov ☑️
@ilyarozanov81
[Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @dkent_guardy] baby that was so hot…. I’m cumming 👅💦🥵 (Easton take notes! this is what it looks like when you sexually satisfy your partner👍🏻)

Shane Hollander’s Freckles
@freckledhllndr
FERAL SHANE IS OUT BARKBARK BARK BARK BARK BARK AWWWOOOOOOOOOOO

ilya rozaKNOB
@ilyarozaknob
roz im so sorry but i fear im cumming too

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @ilyarozaknob] #liked #retweeted #same

☀️kt 🌙
@hollanovpilled
[Replying to @grey4cens] oh good for you! i didn’t realize kyle was over

Grey
@grey4cens
[Replying to @hollanovpilled] I fear I brought this one upon myself

mandy skates 🏳️‍⚧️🍧
@toelooopmandy
update: unfortunately i’ve been wooed by the charming autistic man and his clingy pitbull husband, and got completely bamboozled by capitalism when i saw that ottawa sells a trans-themed version of their pride jersey. just dropped way too much money on matching hollanov jerseys for my gf and i #gosports #puck

Chapter End Notes

Is it realistic for Ilya to be able to just throw an axel on day 1? I don't know, and I don't care <3

Canonically Shane only has a Calder and a Conn Smythe. I think that’s a crock of unbuttered hogwash, so I gave him a whole bunch more. Honestly I could’ve gone crazier, but I was being conservative.

Videos for reference:
Sit spin
Cantilever (or as I wrote in my google search, "figure skating amber glenn squat”)
Mohawk / spread eagle
Mohawk dekes

Yes, there's another chapter coming. No, I have no idea when. Yes, I hate myself for it. Come cry on Twitter with me @ilyaelizabeth