Preface
rozanov's roster
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at https://archiveofourown.org/works/81234151.
- Rating:
- Mature
- Archive Warning:
- No Archive Warnings Apply
- Category:
- M/M
- Fandoms:
- Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Heated Rivalry (TV)
- Relationships:
- Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Svetlana Vetrova, Svetlana Vetrova/Original Female Character(s)
- Characters:
- Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Svetlana Vetrova, Rose Landry, Sasha | Ilya Rozanov's Coach's Son
- Additional Tags:
- Texting, Epistolary, Fluff and Humor, Crack, Jealous Shane Hollander, Pre-Relationship, (2017 era), Secret Identity, Racism, Sexist Language, this is a silly fic but it is indeed about hookup culture, Light Dom/sub, Light Angst, not really much drama but occasionally there are FEELINGS, Good Friend Svetlana Vetrova, Rose Landry Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Good Friend Rose Landry, Spoilers for Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers)
- Language:
- English
- Stats:
- Published: 2026-03-16 Updated: 2026-10-14 Words: 33,991 Chapters: 11/13
rozanov's roster
Summary
Emmy: When did you first hook up with him?
Jane: 2010
Caro: WHAT
Megan: GIRL
Tia: SEVEN YEARS??
Megan: My jaw is borderline unhinged rnOr: In 2017, Shane finds a place where he can talk about his sex life...a group chat for girls who have slept with Ilya Rozanov
Notes
If you read the latest secret society of stickhandlers: yes, this is the fic I mentioned in the end a/n of "ten out of ten"! It's completely separate from the series though as it takes place in 2017.
This will follow show canon until I run out (which won't take too long since we're starting post 2017 All Star Game).
I'm also stealing 2 things from the book so far: team names and one on one texts between Shane and Ilya being from Shane's POV. This means Shane's texts will be from "Shane", while Ilya's will be from "Lily". That's how RR does it and I just personally prefer it!
Rozanov’s Roster
Jane was added to the chat
Abi: FRESH MEAT, FRESH MEAT
Caro: omg hiiii!!!
Katie: Hey hey!
Megan: STATS NOW PLS
Tia: Give her a minute omg. Welcome!
Emmy: Please be cool so she doesn’t leave immediately
Emmy: Everyone, this is Jane, she found out about us through reddit and passed the entry test!
Lana: Hello Jane
Jane: Hi
Megan: STATS PLS??
Jane: What are stats?
Emmy: Your age/race/body type/location. No pressure to get too detailed though!
Megan: Pleaaase get detailed
Jane: Okay
Jane: I’m in my twenties. Asian Canadian. Athletic. Sorry I don’t feel comfortable sharing more than that.
Lana: Interesting
Emmy: Oh nice! I’m Chinese American and also athletic ☺️ Well I used to be before I graduated and stopped rowing lol
Jane: Cool
Emmy: Do you play a sport?
Jane: No.
Jane: I just work out a lot and stuff
Katie: Need your drive, my gym membership is gathering dust
Tia: I didn’t even bother getting a new one when I moved lol
Katie: You get it!!
Lana: How long have you known Ilya?
Jane: Years now.
Megan: Do you have brown eyes and freckles?
Jane: Excuse me?
Emmy: Not this again
Katie: Megan has a conspiracy theory that Ilya’s into girls with freckles
Megan: Girls with freckles AND brown eyes! It’s always a combo
Jane: Oh
Megan: So? Do you have freckles and brown eyes?
Jane: No.
Lana: Hmm
Megan: Damn
Megan: Well it’s still most of us!
Jane: So do you guys sleep with Rozanov regularly?
Jane: You girls*. Autocorrect.
Katie: Wait I love that you call him Rozanov. So proper
Jane: Haha
Emmy: Define regularly
Tia: Lol yeah that man is touch and goooo
Jane: I don’t know. Like more than once a year?
Lana: Why do you ask?
Jane: Just curious.
Emmy: I’d say we meet up like 75% of the time he’s in Nashville
Tia: It was the same for me when I lived in Philly but I moved, rip
Megan: I was his regular Tampa girl til I hit my expiration date 😔 worst day of my life
Caro: You’re so dramatic
Megan: I’m in MOURNING CARO
Caro: Lol you know he blocked me too!! You’ll live!
Jane: Expiration date?
Lana: He blocks most of his regulars on the road after about 2 years of hook ups
Jane: Oh
Emmy: I rebuke this 🙅🏻♀️ (I’m coming up on 2 years and I’m not in denial at ALL)
Abi: It was just once for me
Katie: 3 times for me
Caro: I slept with him I think 4 times before he blocked me. It seems like he blocks Boston girls quicker
Tia: Ooh we’re counting up
Emmy: 😂
Katie: To be fair it miiight have been more for me but I realized I’m a lesbian lol
Megan: “I realized”. She’s lying, Rozanov told her
Katie: WE CAME TO THE CONCLUSION TOGETHER
Megan: Lies. That man said “YOU’RE GAY”
Tia: Seriously my favorite Rozanov story lmao
Jane: What did he say?
Katie: I came over to hook up with him again and it was the first time we were (mostly) sober. Ten minutes in, he goes “Have you ever slept with a woman?” and I’m like “…no” and he’s like “You should. You do not want to have sex with me.” 💀
Katie: Then he gave me a cookie and made me leave
Megan: And honestly? Not wanting that dick is a HUGE sign that you’re gay
Emmy: No like he had a point
Katie: He did…
Katie: At the time I FREAKED out but a few weeks later, I slept with a woman for the first time and I was like “holy shit”
Katie: And I texted him to thank him and he said…wait let me copy and paste it
Katie: 😄👍🐱👅💦✂️🌈🎉
Tia: He’s a poet with emojis lol
Emmy: Any time I see someone online claiming that he’s a homophobe, I wanna reply “🐱👅💦✂️🌈”
Katie: no SAME but when I say Ilya Rozanov made me gay, NO ONE BELIEVES ME 😭
Lana: What about you Jane?
Jane: What? What about me?
Lana: How often do you sleep with him?
Jane: Oh
Jane: A few times a year. Just when we’re in the same city
Lana: Ah
Emmy: When did you first hook up with him?
Jane: 2010
Megan: Wait and you’re still hooking up?
Jane: Yup.
Caro: WHAT
Megan: GIRL
Tia: SEVEN YEARS??
Megan: My jaw is borderline unhinged rn
Emmy: You’re giving me hope 😭
Megan: I’m in enemy territoryyyy (hooking up with a guy who has a Hollander poster 🤮)
Lana: You should look at the poster to get off. Hollander is hot
Emmy: Lana pls 😭
Katie: Okay I’m a die hard Bears girl AND a lesbian, but even I know Hollander could get it
Megan: KATIE NO
Lana: Katie yes
Jane: So are you all big Rozanov fans?
Megan: Are you NOT?
Jane: No. The Voyageurs are way better
Megan: WHOA
Abi: These days, you’re lowkey right
Caro: Lol I literally know nothing about hockey. I slept with Ilya because he was hot and I didn’t find out what he did til after
Abi: That still blows my mind
Megan: Same
Caro: I saw that smirk on a box of cereal and went “hey that looks like the guy who made me come five times yesterday”
Emmy: Deaaad
Katie: Wait I’ve been meaning to ask! What line did he use on you since he usually uses the Cup ring line on his Boston girls?
Jane: Cup ring line?
Katie: “Come back to my place and I will let you try on my Stanley Cup ring 😏”
Jane: Ew
Jane: He really says that? And it works?
Katie: Yeah, he used it on me and a lot of people in the Rozy’s Whores group have said he used it on them
Emmy: omg do not say that name here, it haunts me
Tia: SAME
Jane: I tried to join that one too but I got scared.
Abi: That's basically a rite of passage lol
Katie: I think Lana and I are the only ones active in it?
Lana: Yes. I mostly just observe
Katie: Someone started a channel for queer women so I stick to that. I’ve hooked up with 2 women from it lol
Caro: Wait, that’s iconic Katie. Ilya would approve
Katie: Oh I know he would
Katie: Two women who met on there are getting MARRIED next month
Caro: No way!!
Tia: Omg I love that
Katie: They invited Ilya and he can’t come but he bought them the most expensive thing off their registry 😂
Lana: Of course he did
Megan: Ally of the century for sure
Jane: Do you think all of the women in the “Rozy’s Whores” group have actually slept with Rozanov?
Emmy: Oh no way
Caro: Yeah I don't think so. Like he’s a slut but that group is a free for all
Emmy: No vetting whatsoeverrrr. And on one hand, I get it. I know there are women who have slept with him who haven’t been able to join this group because they just don’t know the answers. But idk. I don’t like the idea of people joining just to snoop
Katie: I get that. Weird vibes
Megan: That whole chat is weird vibes
Tia: You misspelled bad
Caro: Seriously
Tia: They’ll let in people who are obviously there for gossip, but they called me a liar and kicked me out in 2 days because I “clearly wasn’t Rozy’s type”
Megan: Omg what?!
Tia: Yeah. I posted on the selfie channel and they were like “Ilya Rozanov with a Black girl? No fucking way”
Jane: Ew.
Lana: Assholes. I will kill them all
Katie: Nooo we need to figure out another way to get revenge. You're too pretty to go to jail Lana!
Lana: You don't know what I look like
Katie: I can tell!
Lana: ☺️
Emmy: Fuck them but I’m not surprised by that AT ALL. When I was in there, they had a weird ass convo about how Ilya's type is “girls with flat asses and thin lips” and I was like …
Caro: I can confirm that’s bullshit
Lana: Same
Tia: Sameeee
Megan: I can’t but I believe you hotties
Katie: lol literally, nodding along like my lips aren’t just a line
Megan: 😂
Abi: Okay but trying to determine Ilya’s “type” is hilarious. That man’s type is just pussy
Megan: No, it’s freckles and brown eyes
Emmy: ENOUGH
Katie: Also Caro you never said what line Ilya used on you?
Caro: That man doesn’t need a line. Have you seen him?
Tia: Yeah I was like “line? You mean his face?”
Megan: Ass**
Caro: Abs**
Jane: All of the above**
Caro: JANE 😂
Emmy: Lollll I’m so glad you joined
Emmy: Head game?
Caro: Haven’t we done this one before?
Caro: 9 though
Emmy: Maybe idk I’m bored
Abi: N/A
Katie: 8/10 if I pretended he was a butch lesbian
Emmy: LOL
Tia: That man is not passing for butch. He once SHRIEKED because he thought he saw a spider in my apartment. It was a shadow
Katie: Lmao most butches I’ve met are also afraid of bugs, he fits right in
Tia: 😂
Tia: Oh and 9/10
Lana: Mmm 7
Caro: You’re always so harsh Lana!
Megan: 10
Lana: I have to balance out Megan always saying 10
Caro: Okay FAIR
Megan: I'm just saying, I’m hooking up with Hollander poster guy again rn and he PALES in comparison. No surprise there
Jane: What is this?
Emmy: Oh sometimes someone sends a position or something and you rate how good Ilya is at it. Just say N/A if you haven’t done it
Jane: Oh
Jane: 19
Jane: I mean 10, typo
Emmy: Is Jane thirstier than Megan?
Lana: Yes
Jane: It was a typo I swear!
Caro: You still said 10 though
Jane: Well yeah
Abi: lolll
Emmy: Okay but Abi he didn’t go down on you?
Caro: That’s a bigger red flag than all the ghosting tbh
Abi: He didn’t but Cliff did
Emmy: Ohhhh
Megan: Ugh I am eternally jealous
Jane: Cliff?
Abi: Yeah I had a threesome with Rozanov and Cliff Marlow the week they won the Cup
Jane: Oh.
Jane: Was Rozanov into Marlow?
Abi: What?
Lana: Interesting question…
Katie: I feel like he would have been. I’ve always kind of gotten a bi vibe from Ilya
Caro: Katie, no one’s trusting your gaydar. You didn’t even know YOU were gay
Emmy: Lol she has a point
Katie: I’m just saying, he’s a really good “ally”...
Jane: I think he’s straight.
Lana: Me too. He's such a dick, he must be straight, yes?
Katie: I guess
Megan: I have no idea but I wanna know if he was into it too
Emmy: Megan aren’t you literally having sex like right now?
Megan: He came in 30 seconds and then rolled over and fell asleep…classic Hollander fan
Jane: I don’t think that’s related to Hollander.
Megan: He takes after his idol. I’m sure Hollander also comes in 30 seconds
Jane: Based on Hollander's on ice performance, he probably has good stamina.
Emmy: Why do I kinda feel like you’ve slept with Hollander too?
Jane: I haven’t.
Jane: I’m still curious about your answer Abi. If you’re open to sharing.
Abi: Idk honestly! They made out a little but they were mostly focused on me
Megan: Totally not clenching my fists with jealousy rn
Shane: Have you slept with any other players?
Lily: What?
Shane: Is it just me? Or are you sleeping with other players too?
Lily: Why? Do you want to sleep with Pike?
Lily: You do not need my permission. Maybe ask his wife.
Shane: No!
Shane: I don’t wanna sleep with Hayden, gross
Shane: I’m just curious
Lily: Okay…
Shane: Like have you ever had a threesome with another player?
Lily: Where is this coming from?
Shane: I don’t know.
Shane: Just wondering.
Lily: I know you are very bad at sexting but you can just ask what I’m wearing
Shane: I’m not trying to sext you!
Lily: Are you sure?
Shane: Ugh whatever. Never mind, forget it.
Shane: So what are you wearing?
Lily: Wow. You are such a pervert
Shane: Oh fuck you!
Chapter End Notes
This is my 20th Game Changers fic (absolutely wild lol) and it feels very fitting that it's also my first multi chap!
Next up will be a short bonus chapter to give a peek at Shane's entry test (he didn't get 100% and he IS distraught about it)
Thanks for reading, comments are appreciated as much as Ilya appreciates bambi eyes and freckles for reasons that totally have nothing to do with Shane Hollander
Chapter 2: entry test
Chapter Summary
A look at Shane's entry test for the group chat.
Chapter Notes
Figured I'd just post this alongside the first chapter since it's a short one!
They're messaging under usernames since I'm thinking they have this conversation through reddit DMs, then switch to an app like Discord
janesthename: Hi. I saw a post about your group and was wondering if I could join.
janesthename: I have slept with Ilya Rozanov.
janesthename: Multiple times.
janesthename: Thanks.
emmypriv: Omg sure! So the way this works is I’ll ask 4 entry questions to see if you’re legit. 3 out of 4 right and you’ll get in! 🙂
emmypriv: I know Ilya does a lot of one night stands so you may not know the answers. If you don’t pass, you can always join “Rozy’s Whores” (intense gc name, I know lol)
emmypriv: I’m not involved with the group. They don’t vet, which means it’s more inclusive but also means it’s a free for all and people can just join for gossip which I don’t love personally.
janesthename: Got it.
emmypriv: Okay so!
emmypriv: First Q…how many moles does Ilya have on his left ass cheek?
janesthename: Really?
emmypriv: It’s crass, I know, but we have to vet somehow lol
janesthename: How do I know you’re not the press?
emmypriv: What kind of story would his ass moles be?
janesthename: Fair enough.
janesthename: 3. In a triangle.
emmypriv: Correct but no extra credit 😉
janesthename: Haha
emmypriv: Okay next Q! If you’ve been to his house, can you describe a piece of art on his walls?
janesthename: He has these black and white circle prints. They’re ugly.
emmypriv: Lol
emmypriv: I actually haven’t been to his house (I’m his current Nashville girl) but one of the girls confirmed this, so you’re 2 for 2!
janesthename: Great
emmypriv: Name a song on his hookup playlist
janesthename: He has a playlist?
emmypriv: Uh ohhhh
emmypriv: First one wrong 😬
janesthename: He’s never played me any playlist.
emmypriv: Interesting
janesthename: Is it?
emmypriv: Last questionnnn
emmypriv: How big does he say his dick is?
janesthename: Haha. 9 inches. But it’s not.
emmypriv: EXACTLY
emmypriv: Okay you pass! Yaaaay!
janesthename: Yay
emmypriv: You're in! Just know that we have a strict no tolerance policy for bigotry/bullying. Any racism, homophobia, etc, I WILL remove your ass
janesthename: Got it.
emmypriv: And don’t like be a bitch. Obviously we’re all into the same guy but we know we signed up for a good time, not a long time. We’re here to bond, not get jealous and petty 😊
janesthename: Yeah. I can do that.
Chapter End Notes
Yes, the playlist will come back up and yes, that 75% makes Shane physically ill
Next up...in the words of J.J. Boiziau: Did you hear about Rozanov? He did not fly with his team to Nashville...
Emmy: SOS SOS
Caro: What?
Tia: What’s up?
Emmy: The Bears are playing Nashville next week and I texted Ilya to solidify plans and he hasn’t responded??
Abi: You don’t meet up every time though do you?
Emmy: No but most of the time
Emmy: I'm so fucking stressed about work, if this man isn’t eating me out in 6 days time I will screaaaam
Megan: You are close to the 2 year mark…
Emmy: NOOOO
Emmy: Jane teach me your ways, how do I join the 7 year club?
Jane: I don’t know.
Megan: I just know your head game is ridiculous Jane
Jane: Lol
Emmy: Guys I think the 5 stages of grief are starting. I’m in denial right now
Megan: Me when my texts first started turning green
Emmy: Mine aren’t green yet THERE’S STILL HOPE
Caro: Omg you guys are so dramatic, he’s not THAT good
Lana: I agree
Emmy: He’s way better than any guy I’ve been with
Caro: How?
Emmy: He knows where my clit is to start
Lana: Please raise your bar. It lives in the depths of hell
Katie: ^^seconding that 😭
Katie: And okay maybe it’s the 2 year thing, but also…do you think he’s locked down?
Emmy: LMAO
Caro: Good one
Katie: NO HEAR ME OUT
Katie: A lot of people in the Rozy’s whores chat have been saying the exact same thing as Emmy
Jane: Wait really?
Tia: That chat is bullshit though
Katie: Yeah but some of the women saying this have been photographed with Ilya before
Abi: Katie I thought you only checked the queer women channel?
Katie: Sometimes I check the main chat when I’m waiting for the T lmao it’s a good hate read
Katie: But seriously when even is the last time he was photographed with a woman?
Jane: November.
Emmy: Well that was quick
Caro: JANE NO 😭
Jane: What?
Emmy: We don’t cyberstalk Ilya for our own sanity. That’s rule number 1
Jane: I thought rule number 1 was no bigotry
Emmy: Okay fine it’s rules numbers 2 through 5
Jane: I’m not stalking him.
Megan: Sureeee
Jane: Do you guys think he’s actually in a relationship though?
Megan: No
Abi: Absolutely not
Tia: Nope
Lana: Maybe not a relationship. Maybe he is getting more serious about someone.
Emmy: If he is I wish he’d at least respond and say that?
Caro: You have high expectations lol
Jane: It’s probably not about you. He’s dealing with some personal stuff.
Emmy: Wait what?
Megan: JANE???
Tia: How do you know that?
Jane: He told me.
Jane: Sorry, I shouldn’t say more.
Emmy: UHHHH
Caro: You guys talk about “personal stuff”??
Jane: Sometimes. More lately.
Emmy: Wait so YOU’RE the person he’s getting serious with?
Caro: Omg!!!
Tia: This is like meeting a celebrity
Jane: No. I mean we’re not dating or anything. Maybe he’s getting serious about someone else.
Lana: I doubt that.
Megan: You know I thought I’d be jealous when this day came, but I’m ready to pop some popcorn
Jane: What day?
Megan: The day when Ilya grows up and gets a serious girlfriend
Jane: He’s not my boyfriend.
Tia: This is very unconvincing
Emmy: Idk wtf’s going on, but you owe me a vibrator Jane
Abi: 😂
Caro: Anal
Emmy: Damn girl go there lol
Emmy: and N/A
Abi: 8
Megan: I’m not going to answer out of respect for Jane, Ilya’s serious girlfriend
Jane: Stop.
Jane: And 10
Caro: You just don’t want to have to say that it’s an N/A Megan
Megan: CAN YOU BLAME ME?
Lana: 7
Caro: omg Lana he can’t be a 7 at everything
Lana: He always has room to improve
Jane: On the ice I agree. But in bed not really.
Abi: Lol Jane
Emmy: You get it!!
Emmy: Okay can I ask…when’s the last time everyone slept with Ilya? Idk if I’m huffing paint fumes but I’m starting to wonder if he really is exclusive
Katie: Huffing paint fumes is insulting to my theory
Lana: Last fall
Emmy: Okay same for me
Abi: I’m a 1 time gal (well I came like 8 times but you know what I mean lol)
Megan: 🔥🔥🔥
Megan: 11/4/14
Caro: Not the exact date 😭
Emmy: Megan please lmfao
Jane: 30 minutes ago.
Megan: JANE??
Abi: omg
Emmy: WHAT?
Katie: Isn’t he literally about to play Montreal???
Jane: Yes.
Jane: He’s flying straight to Nashville after so this was the only time we could meet up.
Katie: Huh
Caro: Wow
Tia: Damn. Have any of you slept with him before a game? I haven’t
Emmy: Never
Caro: We only met up pretty late at night
Tia: Same
Megan: I asked him to once when he was flying out right after a game, and he said “No. It's okay, waiting will make you more hungry for my dick”
Caro: Knowing you, he wasn’t wrong
Katie: Wait hold on. Are you in Boston, Jane?
Jane: Maybe.
Katie: What do you mean MAYBE? You said you just fucked him!
Jane: Okay fine I’m here. Briefly. For a work trip.
Emmy: Why do I feel like you’re secretly a spy?
Jane: Lol. I do wear a lot of black...
Emmy: I knew it!
Caro: If you’re ever in Boston again and wanna get drinks, let us know! Katie drags me to bars to watch games sometimes
Jane: Okay. Thanks.
Megan: This is insane. So not only has he ghosted the rest of his roster, you guys are having pre game sex?!
Jane: This is a small chat. I’m sure he’s hooking up with plenty of other people.
Lana: Are you?
Jane: Yeah I’m sure.
Lana: No. Are you hooking up with other people?
Jane: Oh. No. But we’re not exclusive. I’m just busy with work.
Lana: Ah
Megan: In the eternal words of Lana “hmmm”
Jane: What?
Megan: Kinda sounds like you’re saving yourself for that Roza-knob
Jane: I’m not!!
Jane: Also Roza-knob? Ew
Caro: Emmy please ban the term Roza-knob from the chat
Emmy: It made me laugh lol
Tia: Jane when’s the last time you slept with someone else though?
Jane: December when I was with my ex
Jane: I’m just busy.
Caro: Or no one else compares…
Jane: It’s hard to meet people.
Emmy: As if
Abi: Lmao no one's buying that
Jane: Buying what?
Katie: If you’re able to lock Ilya Rozanov down, you have to be stupid hot
Tia: Seriously
Megan: !! Literally likeee what's your bra size
Emmy: Megan you sound like a fuckboy
Jane: I'm not answering that. That's private information.
Megan: Booo
Caro: Whatever. When you make it official, I’ll knit you a trophy
Jane: You knit?
Caro: Yes!
Caro: [image attached, tap to download]
Jane: Pretty
Lana: Nice subject change.
Jane: It’s not one! I have to go to work now. Goodbye.
Katie: Wow. I didn’t realize it was possible to be bad at lying over text
Emmy: Okay so Ilya didn’t come to Nashville with his team?
Jane: I just heard that too
Jane: Does anyone know why?
Megan: Girl I came here to ask YOU that
Jane: Oh. Well I don’t know.
Jane: He seemed fine yesterday.
Megan: Fine or fiiiine?
Jane: I mean. Both.
Katie: He played super well too. Huh.
Emmy: Okay so he’s not coming to Nashville at all?
Abi: it doesn’t seem like it
Tia: Weeeeird. I hope he’s okay?
Emmy: rip my pussy 😭
Emmy: Do you guys think I should check in on Ilya with a tasteful nude?
Abi: NO
Emmy: It would be tasteful!
Caro: Put the phone down Em
Emmy: I’m worried about him! Maybe he’s not doing well and a nude would help
Lana: Jane’s probably would.
Jane: What?
Megan: Honestly you’re right
Emmy: Jane send him a nude and ask the next time he’ll be in Nashville
Caro: STOP
Katie: Okay doesn’t seem 100% official yet but according to “unconfirmed reports” circulating in the Rozy’s whores chat, Ilya’s dad passed away 😢
Caro: Oh no!!!
Tia: That’s heartbreaking. I hope he’s okay. I was a wreck when my dad passed last year
Abi: Hugs to you Tia ❤️
Tia: ❤️
Jane: Wow. I'm very sorry to hear that.
Jane: For Rozanov and for you Tia.
Megan: ...okay you totally knew already
Caro: “Personal stuff”…👀
Megan: WAAAIT
Megan: Also that’s really sad, shit. I hope he’s okay
Emmy: Omg poor Ilya!
Emmy: Well fuck now I feel bad for saying rip my pussy
Caro: 😂
Lily: Glasses pictures? 🙏
Shane: You know I don’t do pictures
Lily: Pleaaaase
Lily: My dad is dead and my brother is mean 😔
Shane: I’m so sorry
Lily: You know what would make me feel better?
Shane: Oh my God
Shane: I’m not sending you a picture with my face in it. Especially not when you’re in Russia
Lily: Ughhhh
Shane: Come on. Don't be stupid.
Lily: You know you make me very stupid
Shane: We could Skype instead? Give me 5 minutes
Lily: But I am busy (((( I am in a stupid meeting about my father’s estate
Shane: You should probably not text me during that?
Lily: But I am boooored
Lily: And you are much prettier than this lawyer
Shane: Stop
Lily: So so pretty
Lily: Show meee
Lily: If you say no you are breaking the heart of an orphan
Shane: That’s so unfair. When's your meeting done?
Lily: Twenty minutes maybe
Shane: Skype me then weirdo. You're so impatient
Lily: Okay fiiiiine
Lily: And you will wear your glasses?
Shane: They're already on
Lily: 😁👓💦💦😩🔥😅
Shane: Has anyone ever told you you’re ridiculous?
Lily: Yes. A very mean boy with very beautiful glasses
Jane: Do any of you have glasses?
Abi: No. Why?
Jane: Ilya found out I have reading glasses and he lost his mind. I’m wondering if it’s a fetish
Abi: ILYA?
Caro: ILYAAAA?
Jane: What? That’s his name.
Abi: But you always call him Rozanov 👀
Jane: That’s also his name.
Emmy: omg you’re impossible
Jane: So what’s the deal with the glasses?
Lana: I don’t wear glasses.
Abi: Me neither
Caro: Same
Tia: I have glasses but I always wore contacts around 👀Ilya 👀
Emmy: Wait is 👀 ILYA 👀back from Russia?
Jane: No.
Jane: He saw them over Skype.
Megan: GIRLLLL
Caro: NO WAY
Megan: Skype sex?
Jane: Yes.
Jane: He said it would help. With his dad.
Megan: Damn Lana was right
Katie: She always is!!
Abi: So you thought the cup ring line was gross but “your tits help me grieve” worked on you?
Jane: Yes. I’m very weak.
Caro: Girl 😂
Emmy: What do you mean he lost his mind over the glasses?
Megan: Omg I’m wondering too. Adding it to my type chart…
Tia: I’m starting to think his type is Jane
Lana: Yes. I think so.
Jane: Shut up
Jane: I don’t know. He made me keep them on while we were…you know
Jane: And now he keeps asking to see me wearing them. We just Skyped again.
Emmy: Stoooop
Megan: Hotttt
Megan: Okay what's Skype sex with Ilya Rozanov like though?!
Caro: Yeah we need deeeets
Jane: Kinda like sex with him in person but you don't get to touch him
Megan: Tragic
Jane: And he's very picky about angles
Tia: LOL of course he is
Emmy: Yeah, that tracks
Megan: Were you looking at each other's faces or did you have a full view of that Roza-knob
Caro: Please stop trying to make Roza-knob happen
Jane: I refuse to acknowledge that term. But it was sort of a mix of both
Jane: I was keeping it lower but before I came, he said he wanted to see my face. Probably because of the glasses
Lana: Yes. I am sure that's why.
Emmy: Uh huh definitely the ONLY REASON
Katie: I can't believe I'm rooting this hard for a straight couple
Katie: Though I guess you're not a straight couple since Ilya's probably bi
Emmy: omg enough
Megan: is anyone watching the MTL game?
Lana: No, I have work, I was going to watch highlights later. Why?
Caro: lol cute you think I know there’s a game tonight
Megan: Hollander went down hard and Ilya looks so concerned. It’s honestly just really sweet that he cares even though they’re rivals!
Lana: Did Hollander get back up?
Megan: No, they had to pull him off with a stretcher :( ik he's objectively the worst but I hope he’s okay!!
Svetlana: Are you okay?
Svetlana: ????
Svetlana: Answer me
Svetlana: I know you are at your hotel by now
Svetlana: Ilyusha
Svetlana: I know he is Jane
Svetlana: I know you are freaking out
Svetlana: Please call me
Chapter End Notes
Last convo is italicized to indicate it's in Russian.
Next up: a confession, a concussion, and the girls teach Shane about BDSM
Chapter 4: screentime and safe words
Chapter Notes
I was originally going to be boring and not write any drugged up texts for the sake of medical accuracy. But I got a lot of requests for it in the comments and if you’ve read my fics before, you know I love writing high/drunk Shane. So twist my arm, why don’t ya?!
While it’s mentioned that Shane should get off his phone, he shouldn’t be on it at all while concussed obviously. I really hope you’re not taking medical advice from a crack fic
Once again, italicized texts between Ilya and Sveta indicate that they're in Russian
Jane: hiiiii girlllllssss
Emmy: Hi Jane!
Abi: lol hey
Jane: guysss i miss ilyas dick ://
Jane: girls***
Megan: Same
Emmy: Same lol
Jane: see! You get it
Jane: no one else gets it but u do! Like maybe they would get it if they knew how gooood he feels
Jane: but they dont!
Jane: its like u know what u woildnt say shit to me if u knew what it felt like to ride it actually
Jane: i think if trheyknew how well i take it tjehd stand up and applaud!!!
Jane: like i think I should get a Getting Fucked award probably
Caro: …huh?
Tia: Are you okay?
Jane: no. i miss ilya
Jane: and not just his dick. I miss his heart 🙁
Jane: as big as his dick
Jane: like he’s so funny!!! and sweet! I love his smilee
Jane: he held my hand btw w!!!
Lana: Go to sleep Jane
Jane: sleeping on that dick ;)))
Jane: and ANOTHER THINF
Lana removed Jane from the chat
Emmy: ???
Lana: Jane mentioned in a DM that she is very sick. I think her fever is getting to her
Emmy: Oh no!
Tia: That explains a lot
Katie: Shit is she okay?
Lana: Yes. She has pneumonia and needs to rest. I will add her back when she is better.
Lana: She needs to stay off her phone
Caro: Good looking out
Emmy: If you know an address we can send a care package to, let us know!!
Katie: Omg please! We could doordash her soup
Tia: I'd go in on that!
Megan: Okay but the fact that she’s sick and still thinking about Ilya’s dick is very relatable
Shane: omg where did they goooo
Shane: u tell me to sleep and now my girls are gone!!
Shane: coindicence? I think NOT!!!
Lana: I removed you from the chat.
Shane: BOO
Shane: 👻👻👻
Shane: LET ME BACK INnnNN
Lana: You need to rest
Shane: I need Ilya’s diiick/
Shane: In my many many holes
Lana: You will get it if you rest
Shane: do u think he misses my ass?
Shane: Im trying to take a pic of it for him but I can't remember how to bend my arm
Lana: Get off your phone. Where is your mother?
Shane: getting me food. Shhhh im not sposed to be texting
Shane: Lana??
Shane: I hope he comes to my cottage but idk if he will and im quite sad
Shane: I car e about him a lot. I know im not supposed to. It’s against the rules. But I like breaking rules for him
Shane: only for him
Lana: I know. I promise I will convince him to come to your cottage if you get off your phone
Shane: omg okay!!
Shane: Hi. I’m sorry, I have no memory of sending those messages.
Lana: All good. How are you feeling?
Shane: I’m okay. Did I say something in the group chat that made you remove me?
Shane: I'm sorry if I did. I’d feel terrible if I upset you or anyone else
Lana: No no. I kicked you out because you were very high on pain meds. And you should not be on your phone with a concussion
Shane: Wait what? How do you know I have a concussion?
Shane: Oh did I tell the chat?
Lana: No. I saw on TV.
Lana: Stop freaking out.
Lana: I’m Svetlana. Ilya’s friend.
Shane: Oh
Shane: Wow, I probably should have pieced that together
Lana: Lol
Shane: How did you know I’m me? And when?
Lana: “Athletic Asian Canadian”
Shane: Fuck. I knew I said way too much
Lana: No. I had suspicions before you joined. He talks about you a lot
Shane: Oh. He does?
Lana: Yes.
Lana: No one else will figure it out. Only we know he is bisexual
Shane: And Katie
Lana: She has no proof. And somehow they believe you are a woman
Shane: I don't know why. I’m awful at it.
Lana: You are but they have no reason to think otherwise
Lana: I promise they have no idea. They don’t know him like I do. They don’t see the way he looks at you
Shane: The way he looks at me?
Lana: Like nothing else is worth looking at
Shane: Oh
Shane: Okay…
Lana: Get more rest, Jane. Is it safe for me to add you back?
Shane: Yeah. I might not message much though. My screen time is still limited
Lana: Oh forget about me then, go send your glasses sexts
Shane: Oh God. I can’t believe you know I said all of that
Shane: You didn’t tell him, did you?
Lana: No. I would never.
Lana: I told him I figured out you are Jane because your names rhyme. Terrible nickname.
Shane: He came up with them
Lana: I'm sure
Shane: Lol. Thank you for not telling him. I know it's kind of weird that I'm in there. It's just nice being able to actually talk about him.
Lana: Is that it? Or were you looking into the competition?
Shane: Haha okay, maybe both...
Lana: There is no competition. There is just you.
Shane: I don't know about that. He seems to really like you.
Lana: He loves me. But not how he loves you.
Shane: I'm not sure it's as serious as you think. We're not even exclusive.
Lana: Ugh you are as stupid as him.
Shane: Hey!!
Shane: So does he know about the chat?
Lana: He knows they exist and that I am in them. I like to observe, make sure no one is outing him.
Lana: I am “Lana” because our friendship is public. I don’t want anyone on their best behavior around me
Shane: Got it. Your secret's safe with me.
Lana: I know it is "Jane" 😉
Lana: I will keep yours too, always. I tell him “Oh no, these chats are boring. No one really says anything and if we do, we vent about our jobs”
Lana: I would rather break a mirror with my fist and eat every shard than tell him what they say in there
Shane: Thank God
Shane: I’d say it’s not possible for his ego to get bigger, but I’m not that naive
Lana: 😂
Lana: I should have known he would fall for someone funny
Shane: I don’t know about “fall for”
Lana: I do
Lana: ^^ that’s what you will say in 2 years before I make a beautiful best man speech
Shane: Stop.
Lana: Never
Shane: So you’re not upset that I’m Jane?
Lana: Of course not.
Lana: I meant what I said in the chat. You are very very hot
Shane: Shut up
Lana: You are!
Lana: Are you upset that I am me?
Shane: I don’t think so.
Shane: I'm surprised. But I’m glad he has someone looking out for him
Lana: ❤️
Lana: Two someones. Two very hot someones
Shane: Oh please
Lana: I have been telling our boy how hot you are for years. He always pretends he’s not obsessed with you
Shane: He’s not
Lana: So he called me after visiting you in the hospital and talked about how cute you are for twenty minutes for what? Fun?
Shane: He did that?
Lana: Yes. I will make sure he accepts the invitation to your cottage.
Shane: Thanks but you don't have to do that
Lana: I really do.
Lana: Do you want to hear something funny?
Shane: Sure
Lana: I have known our boy for so long. He only started bringing home women with brown eyes and freckles in 2010
Shane: I have to go. I’m really not supposed to be on my phone much.
Lana: Mmmhmmm
Svetlana: Go to the cottage.
Ilya: You know I can’t
Ilya: He knows I can’t too
Svetlana: You’re being so STUPID
Ilya: No. I’m trying very very hard to be smart here
Svetlana: Well you’re failing. As always.
Ilya: 🙄
Ilya: I need to go home this summer.
Svetlana: For who? Your asshole brother? Or are you dying to do coke with Sasha?
Ilya: I always go home.
Svetlana: There was a time you always dry brushed your hair before I got you in line. Bad habits are meant to be broken.
Ilya: Moscow isn’t a bad habit. It’s home.
Svetlana: Maybe Jane’s cottage can be home too.
Ilya: It can’t. You know it can’t.
Ilya: I can’t do it, Sveta. If I play house with him for a week, I won't be able to walk away. It would kill me.
Svetlana: It doesn’t have to be “playing house”. It can be your life.
Ilya: Bullshit
Ilya: You know that’s bullshit
Svetlana: Gay marriage is legal in America now
Ilya: So? What, you want us to elope in Vegas?
Svetlana: No. Americans are hopeful. Maybe an American player will come out.
Ilya: And maybe my car will grow wings like the end of that weird movie you made me watch. Maybe Jane’s freckles will stop being so pretty and I will forget them overnight.
Ilya: Please stop. I can’t dream of impossible things. I don’t get to.
Svetlana: Fine. I’ll keep dreaming for you.
Svetlana: Come over. I will play with your hair and we can watch Grease again
Ilya: Okay, but we’re watching Fast and Furious. Your flying car movie scares me. Those teenagers all look older than Scott Hunter
Emmy: Have any of you tried dom/sub stuff with anyone else or just Ilya?
Lana: I have. I like being more dominant though
Tia: Okay Lana!!
Katie: Wooow what a coincidence, I’m a total sub haha
Katie: Ilya didn’t really dom me though. Maybe he knew I wouldn’t listen to a man
Lana: 😂 you crack me up Katie
Katie: ☺️
Tia: I’ve tried it out with other guys. Ilya was my sub awakening honestly lol
Emmy: Same. That’s why I asked!
Megan: Just with him!
Caro: We didn’t really do that
Abi: We didn’t either. Wait maybe he only doms on the road?
Jane: Dom/sub stuff?
Emmy: omggg JAAAANE!
Tia: Heeey, you okay? It’s been a sec
Megan: I was starting to worry you’d choked to death on Ilya’s dick
Katie: STOP
Caro: You know she has pneumonia!
Megan: Maybe it’s both
Jane: Haha yeah sorry. I’ve been recovering. From the pneumonia
Tia: Aww feel better
Caro: Eat lots of soup!!
Katie: I know Lana said you didn't need any food, but I have some soup recipes I can send you if you need ‘em!
Jane: Thanks. I’m on the mend though.
Jane: What do you mean by “dom/sub stuff”?
Emmy: Does Ilya not dom you?
Jane: Dom me?
Emmy: Like tell you what to do in bed
Jane: Oh
Jane: Isn’t that just how sex works?
Abi: JANE
Megan: omfg
Tia: Jane’s so freaky she doesn’t even know she’s freaky 😂
Emmy: I’m DMing you some links…
Jane: Okay…
Jane: Wow. So does he do all of this stuff with you guys?
Megan: Define “all of this stuff”?
Jane: Like whips and chains and stuff
Lana: Jane what
Emmy: That wasn’t in the article I sent
Jane: I’ve been googling
Tia: It doesn’t have to be on that level. Just, like, telling you what to do in bed
Jane: Right. Okay
Jane: Like when he tells you to fuck yourself while he watches?
Jane: Or when he makes you beg him to go down on you?
Tia: Uhhh
Emmy: I mean he literally never does any of that with me but sure!
Megan: Jane omg
Katie: Damn
Jane: What? You all said he dommed you!
Emmy: I meant more like some basic orders
Tia: Yeah that’s how it was for me. Idk that I’d wanna get that freaky with a hook up
Jane: It’s not “freaky” though
Lana: Jane…
Emmy: Jane…
Tia: Jane…
Jane: What? There’s no whips involved!
Emmy: I don’t think whips are the bar
Megan: idk, give it 2 weeks and I think you’ll be at whips too
Jane: I guess I wouldn’t say no. It could be interesting.
Katie: “Interesting” like it's a national geographic documentary lmfao
Abi: Jane 😭
Shane: Did you know I’m a sub?
Lily: Yes. Did you not?
Shane: No?
Lily: You spent a two hour phone call yesterday begging me to let you come
Shane: I thought that’s just what sex was!
Lily: Oh my Jane
Shane: I think we should establish a safe word
Lily: Okay
Lily: How about “stop”?
Shane: No, I’m reading that it shouldn’t be stop
Lily: Reading? You study for sex now?
Shane: This is serious stuff we’re doing. Apparently.
Shane: I’ve experienced sub drop before and I didn’t even know!
Lily: Sub drop?
Lily: Ah. I googled.
Lily: I’m sorry
Lily: I should take better care of you after
Lily: When you are not running away at least
Shane: You know I won’t do that again…
Lily: I know
Shane: What about pony?
Lily: What?
Shane: For our safe word
Lily: Why pony?
Shane: It’s supposed to be something you’d never say in bed
Lily: What if you say “I want to ride you like a pony”
Shane: Ew I’d never say that
Lily: But you want to say pony to stop?
Shane: Ugh you’re right. Okay what about melon?
Lily: Your ass is like two perfect melons…
Shane: Can you make EVERYTHING sexual?
Lily: Yes
Shane: Okay what about major? You know like a five minute major
Lily: Of course you want that to be our safe word
Lily: Might be weird on the ice though
Shane: You’re right, it’s supposed to be more random.
Shane: This is so hard! What about orange?
Shane: Wait no that could get confusing if I offer you an orange
Lily: You have never offered me an orange ever
Shane: Well maybe I will! I like oranges. Do you?
Lily: Sure
Shane: See. That won’t work
Shane: Okay what about “tulip”? You know, since you’re Lily
Lily: Okay. You say tulip, I stop. Any time.
Shane: Good.
Shane: Is there an opposite of tulip?
Lily: For you I think please?
Shane: Will you please call me soon?
Lily: You miss me already? Miss my dick?
Shane: I’m just bored. And horny. And bored.
Lily: Now I feel used 😢😢😢
Lily: Find some other dick to call
Shane: Fine. Yes. I miss it.
Lily: Miss what?
Shane: I miss your dick
Lily: Poor baby
Shane: Fuck off
Lily: Are you sure you want that? My dick misses you too
Shane: No. I don't want you to fuck off.
Lily: I know
Lily: If I call in 15 minutes?
Shane: I might answer
Lily: Might?
Shane: I will answer.
Lily: Good boy
Shane: That doesn’t sound like something you should call Jane…
Lily: Good girl
Shane: Fuck
Shane: Why does that still work?
Lily: Because I said it 😘
Jane: Okay I think I am a sub…
Lana: Yes. Obviously.
Caro: LMAO
Emmy: There we go
Chapter End Notes
Next up: The world’s oldest man wins a Cup (not clickbait) and Shane learns more about Ilya's hookup playlist 👀
Chapter 5: the playlist and the dinosaur
Chapter Notes
Thank you to everyone who gave song rec ideas!! Shoutout to Klippe and hollanov6215 whose suggestions I used :)
Emmy: Frank Ocean is playing at Chipotle and my friend doesn’t understand why I’m blushing lol
Megan: Sierra🕺Leooone
Emmy: STOP
Tia: 😂
Jane: What does that mean?
Tia: omg Ilya doesn’t play you The Playlist?
Jane: No? Does he really have a playlist?
Emmy: Yes. It’s basically a freebie on the entry test because he plays the same one for everyone
Caro: The same two. It seems like he has another one for Russian speakers
Jane: It’s really always the same?
Megan: Yeah, I think he likes that How Many Drinks by Miguel activates us all like sleeper agents
Jane: Huh
Jane: He’s never played music with me
Megan: Jane continues to be speciallll
Emmy: Seriously!!
Lana: You are all lucky. He fucked me to awful Russian rap until I stopped letting him pick the music
Caro: Pleaaase
Katie: I can't believe he did you dirty like that 😤
Emmy: omg now Redbone’s playing! I wonder if whoever’s picking the music is one of us
Tia: Quick, shout “on your knees” in a Russian accent and see who drops
Caro: 😂
Jane: Haha
Shane: Would you ever want to listen to music during sex?
Lily: What is this question? How bored are you?
Shane: Very.
Shane: There’s nothing to do here but watch you lose to the Admirals
Lily: Hey!!!
Shane: Did you ice your ribs today?
Lily: Yes.
Shane: I don’t believe you
Lily: No music
Shane: Oh now you want to answer 🙄
Shane: Why not though?
Lily: Not for me
Shane: So you don’t listen to music during sex?
Lily: Sometimes. Women like it
Lily: You would not
Shane: How do you know?
Lily: What do you even listen to? White noise? Recordings of pucks hitting nets?
Shane: No!!!
Shane: Music isn’t really my thing. But if you want to, you can play it
Lily: I do not want to
Shane: Why not?
Lily: I would rather hear you moan and beg for me
Shane: Oh
Shane: And you couldn't hear that over music?
Lily: Sometimes. You are very loud.
Shane: Fuck off. I don't know why I even asked.
Lily: But sometimes you make these soft little whimpers...
Shane: I’ll Skype you with my glasses on and stay close to the microphone if you ice your ribs.
Lily: 🏃♂️
Lana: Is he injured? He says no but I don’t believe him
Shane: Bruised ribs
Lana: Asshole
Lana: Him, not you
Shane: I know
Shane: Could you go over and check on him? I keep telling him to ice and rest but I don’t know if he’s listening to me
Lana: If the ask is coming from you, I’m sure he is
Shane: I don’t know about that…
Lane: I do
Shane: Make sure he takes Advil too. He says “Russians do not need Advil”
Lana: 🙄
Lana: He is such a baby sometimes
Shane: All the time**
Lana: Hahaha
Lana: I really like you for him
Shane: Oh
Lana: I will bother him about the cottage again when I am holding him down and making him take Advil, okay?
Shane: Okay. Thanks
Megan: aaand that may as well be a fucking wrap 😭
Katie: It may as well have been a wrap in the second period. I’m so pissed
Jane: Guys, have hope. Boston can totally turn it around as long as they score 3 goals in the next minute 😊
Megan: The only reason I’m not blocking you is because your shitty team already got knocked out
Jane: Only because they don’t have Hollander. Next year will be different
Lana: Probably, yes
Jane: ☺️
Caro: What? What does literally any of this mean?
Abi: Caro one day we will get you into hockey
Caro: Never! What happened to your little stick men?
Megan: Boston’s about to be knocked out of the playoffs
Abi: AGAIN!!
Megan: Is it too much to ask for another Cup?
Jane: Yes
Megan: Silence traitor!!
Abi: Ah I remember that Cup fondly…
Megan: SILENCE FROM YOU TOO
Caro: Okay but have any of you besides Abi hooked up with other NHL players? I looked up this game you guys are crying about and this Scott Hunter guy is hot
Jane: Sure if you’re into elderly men
Emmy: Lolll he’s not that old!!
Abi: He’s got a daddy thing going on
Emmy: He does not!!
Emmy: And Megan should answer that…
Megan: Call me out
Megan: Yeah I had a puck bunny era. I’ve slept with 4 of the bears
Jane: Oh wow
Caro: Okay, get it!!
Jane: Do they know? Did it cause drama?
Megan: Nah I doubt it
Caro: Wait are there group chats like this for other players?
Tia: Omg is Megan cheating on us?!
Jane: Haha
Megan: Nooo only you guys ❤️ no one else is famous or slutty enough for a group like this
Jane: Maybe there's a group chat for all the Bears who have slept with Megan.
Megan: Omg I WISH
Lana: Not NHL but I have slept with 2 guys in the KHL and a woman in the NWHL
Caro: Get it Lana!
Jane: Wow
Katie: Waaait…🏳️🌈👀⁉️🤔
Abi: Lol Ilya is rubbing off on you Katie
Megan: To be fair, he’s rubbed off on all of us
Emmy: 😂😂😂
Lana: Yes. I’m bisexual
Katie: OMG!! A win for the girls 😊
Katie: To quote a modern philosopher…😄👍🐱👅💦✂️🌈🎉
Lana: 😂
Katie: Wait are you in the queer women’s channel on Rozy’s Whores? I’ve never seen you over there!
Lana: I am, I just rarely message. I liked the picture you posted with your cat yesterday. You’re so pretty ☺️
Katie: Omg thank you!! Takes one to know one 😚
Megan: I feel like I’m interrupting right now
Abi: Same
Tia: Damn I’m so behind. The one night I go on a date and the chat blows up
Caro: A DATE?
Megan: Love is in the airrrr
Abi: 💕☁️
Emmy: How was it? Did he dom you?
Tia: On a first date? Hell no
Tia: He was great though! Tinder is bleak since I moved out to the burbs and I thought I was gonna die alone but he asked me out at a coffee shop? It’s 1990 again I guess
Megan: HELL YEAH
Abi: Well yes, of course he did, you’re hot lol
Tia: Okay catching up. Philly didn’t even make the playoffs so you get no sympathy from me
Tia: And Lana, I’m surprised you didn’t go for broke and throw in another NHL player!
Abi: Lol literally
Lana: Maybe I will. Hollander is hot
Katie: Oh
Jane: Stop
Lana: What? He is! 😘
Katie: You’re too hot for him
Lana: Once again, you have never seen my face
Katie: I can tell! You have hot girl energy
Tia: She’s right. Though I’m not sure anyone is too hot for Shane Hollander
Megan: EVERYONE is too hot for Hollander!!!
Tia: Enough Megan, even you have eyes
Abi: Yeah he’s stupid attractive
Emmy: Hell, even Ilya thinks Hollander is hot
Jane: Wait what???
Katie: Huhhh?
Emmy: Lol it came up when I first met him
Jane: It did?
Emmy: Yeah I met him at a bar where some of the Bears were hanging out. He was watching the game really intently which I thought was weird because it was Montreal versus Ottawa and MTL was winning like 5-1 or something stupid
Emmy: And I was like “really into this riveting game?” And he was like “No. Just checking out Hollander. He is very hot”
Emmy: And then he finally turned away from the TV and looked me up and down and we went back to my place
Shane: Is he a fucking idiot? He’s telling women that I’m hot?
Lana: 😂😂😂
Lana: No one thinks he is serious
Shane: Emmy kind of seems to???
Lana: Emmy is harmless
Shane: Seriously how do I tell him to stop telling women I’m hot without letting him know that I know about this chat?
Lana: Relax. It’s not like he picks up women anymore.
Shane: Those are just rumors
Lana: Oh my God I am exhausted by how stubborn you are
Lana: I am his best friend! I KNOW he is not sleeping with other people.
Shane: He told you that?
Lana: There are signs
Shane: Signs?
Lana: He stopped fucking me
Lana: The only woman I see him texting is named Jane
Lana: And last time I was at his house, I checked his condom stash. Same as it was 6 months ago
Shane: Maybe he replenished it
Lana: Please remember I know who you are. I can kill you.
Lana: Now go comfort our boy through his loss
Shane: I already texted him
Lana: Ah of course
Shane: We need to diffuse the group chat
Lana: Fine fine
Lana: I see what he means now. You really are needy
Shane: 😠
Abi: The fact that he pulled you by just looking you up and down…
Caro: That worked on me too lol
Katie: Huh. That’s kinda 🤔🏳️🌈 of him
Lana: Sounds like a joke to me
Jane: Yeah. A homophobic joke but that’s hockey boys for you.
Jane: Or maybe he was drunk?
Emmy: He wasn’t drunk. But yeah I do think he was joking. Not really in a homophobic way, just teasing if that makes sense?
Emmy: People have said I look like a female Shane Hollander so it might have been an attempt to hit on me
Jane: Oh. They have?
Emmy: Yeah I think just because I’m an Asian who has freckles. I don’t actually look like him. You know how the comparisons are
Jane: Totally
Jane: I mean not to Hollander. I don’t have freckles so people don’t say I look like him.
Jane: But they say I look like other Asian people.
Jane: And if I did have freckles I bet I’d get that too!
Emmy: Right
Lana: Jane. Please relax.
Shane: Sorry.
Lana: Take deep breaths before every message.
Shane: Okay...
Lana: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: What's this?
Lana: Emmy. She sent a selfie before you joined. Thought you would find it interesting.
Shane: She's pretty.
Lana: Funny how her freckles are on her cheeks just like yours
Shane: Hilarious
Shane: We need to get back to the group chat. Katie's not standing down...
Lana: Ugh. We are continuing this conversation later!!!
Shane: We absolutely are not
Katie: Tbh, the whole rivalry feels gay as hell to me
Megan: Wait how?
Katie: Feeling THAT intensely about a man? Gay
Tia: Lol idk about that, I think it’s just a sports thing
Lana: Yup. Sports seem homoerotic sometimes.
Jane: Totally. Like have you ever watched wrestling?
Katie: What?
Katie: Idk I guess I just can’t imagine even a hockey player caring about a game against Ottawa lmfao but maybe I’m drowning my sorrows with gay fantasies
Abi: I think you are and I support it
Lana: Yes, the loss is messing with all of us.
Jane: Definitely. Since Ilya is very straight.
Caro: Whoa I just looked up Hollander (I forgot which one he was) and he’s hot as FUCK jesus
Caro: I’m ready to fly to Canada to lick those abs, damn! Is he single? Please say yes
Emmy: Caro 😂
Megan: Isn’t he dating Rose Landry?
Abi: No I heard she’s dating her costar now. Ansel Ashbury
Caro: He's single then? Interestingggg
Jane: So Tia, tell us more about this date
Lana: Yes. We need every detail.
Shane: Are you dating Ansel Ashbury?
Rose: How did you know that?
Shane: I read a rumor online
Rose: Since when do you read rumors about me?
Shane: It popped up!
Shane: So?
Rose: We went on 2 dates but I don’t think it’ll work out
Shane: Why not?
Rose: I think he’d be more compatible with you. He seems like a peg to me...
Shane: Seriously? Again?
Rose: I know okay? 😭 It’s a problem
Shane: They should make a my strange addiction episode about you
Rose: Hey!
Rose: Okay but seriously, do you want his number?
Shane: No thanks. I’m good.
Rose: You’re good? 👀
Shane: Maybe.
Rose: SHANE!
Rose: What? How? Where? When? Aren’t you at your parents’ house?
Rose: Hot neighbor? Hot lawn boy? Hot physical therapist?
Shane: I can’t say more. He’s closeted too and it’s complicated.
Shane: But yeah I’m good. I think.
Rose: Ugh tell me more. Is he hot? How hot?
Shane: Don’t you have a “you’re gay” speech to write?
Rose: I can’t believe I ever thought your catty ass was straight
Megan: Is anyone watching the Cup final?
Jane: Of course
Lana: Yes
Caro: Absolutely not
Megan: I can’t believe Hunter’s about to win
Jane: Maybe you could become an Admirals puck bunny. Just make sure to keep Viagra on hand
Lana: JANE 😂
Lana: Our boy caught me giggling at my phone and I had to say a hook up is making me laugh like this
Shane: You’re with him?
Lana: Yes. Packing for Russia. Still trying to talk him out of it.
Shane: Thanks. It’s fine…
Lana: No.
Lana: I understand the risk but what you have is worth it
Shane: I don’t want him to never be able to go home again
Lana: I know. But I want him to be happy. You make him happy.
Lana: Ugh he keeps trying to look at my phone.
Shane: Hide it by any means necessary. I don’t even want to imagine him discovering he has a fan club
Lana: Same
Lana: The group is more than a fan club though, huh?
Shane: Yeah, it is. They’re great girls.
Lana: The best
Shane: I feel bad lying to them
Lana: What are you lying about? You really do love his dick that much.
Shane: Shut up and watch the game
Lana: 😂
Megan: Are we seeing this?
Emmy: Omg? Is that his brother or something?
Tia: I don't think so?
Megan: If it was, he’d already be on the ice
Megan: He’s walking so slowly lol this is painful
Abi: He said 🚶♂️🚶♂️🚶♂️
Megan: Literally like where is the URGENCY?
Katie: No way that’s his brother. There is no heterosexual explanation for this
Tia: OH MY GODDD
Megan: AHHHH
Katie: askdAJSDJSD
Katie: I’m crying so hard right now you guys
Emmy: I’m watching with my brother who came out last year and he’s crying too omg
Katie: This is fucking UNREAL AJSJSNS
Katie: Is it weird if I text Ilya 1000 rainbow flags?
Megan: No you should!
Emmy: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
Caro: Wait what’s happening?
Tia: Scott Hunter just kissed a guy on the ice after winning the cup!
Caro: Holy shit. The one I said is hot?
Emmy: Yes lol
Caro: Wow! That’s so cool!!
Abi: I can’t believe I have to be an Admirals fan now. The universe is so cruel
Katie: Literally! The only thing that would make this perfect is if it was a Boston player lol
Katie: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈💕💕😍🏒😭
Ilya: You forgot 👴
Katie: What?
Ilya: Because Scott Hunter is 1000 years old
Katie: 😂
Ilya: 👴💋👶🌈❤️😘
Lana: HOLY FUCK?????
Lana: I assume he is talking to you?
Shane: Yes
Shane: He’s coming to the cottage 😊
Lana: AHHHHH
Chapter End Notes
I think more of you guessed "Ilya needs to hear every sound Shane makes in bed" than the "Lana is Svetlana" reveal and I sincerely love what that says about us as a fandom
Next up: The road to the cottage (Did you really think we'd go straight there? Shane has packing lists to make!)
Chapter 6: birthday wishes and packing lists
Chapter Notes
I know I said I was sticking to show canon for long as possible, but you can rip Scott Hunter night from my cold gay hands.
As always, italics indicate that Ilya and Svetlana are speaking in Russian.
Shane: Happy birthday 😊🎂
Lily: Emojis? You must be very excited
Shane: Well, yeah. I’m excited to celebrate with you next month 😊
Lily: Only next month?
Lily: I don’t get a present now? 😥😩💔💔😞
Shane: Are you alone?
Lily: What?
Shane: Answer the question if you want your present
Lily: Yes
Shane: Yes, you’re alone?
Lily: What, are you going to murder me? Yes. I am alone
Shane: [video attached, tap to download]
Shane: Delete it in 1 hour
Lily: ASDOASPSLD
Lily: thenkk yoyt
Lily: hollf fudk
Lily: sordy typifng one handed
Shane: Haha
Shane: So do you like it?
Lily: [image attached, tap to download]
Lily: Does it look like I like it?
Shane: Fuck
Lily: Best present ever
Lily: Why did you pick purple?
Shane: What?
Lily: For your dildo
Shane: Oh. I don’t know. I wasn’t really picking based on color. It had good reviews.
Lily: And you like how girthy it is, yes? Like mine?
Shane: It’s not really like yours. It’s not as good
Lily: Sounded good in the video
Shane: Yeah, well. I wanted to make sure you could hear me.
Shane: I had to wait til my parents left the house
Lily: Tell them to leave again soon
Lily: Now. Immediately. Need to hear you again
Shane: I can’t kick them out of their own house!
Lily: Pleaaaase? 🙏
Lily: Tell them it’s my birthday and I am very horny
Shane: Yeah, that’ll go over well
Shane: My mom's working from home, I'll ask what she's up to today, hold on
Shane: Okay, she's meeting my dad for lunch at noon. Are you free to Skype then?
Lily: Yes 😋
Shane: Great.
Lily: I have to go now. I will see you then.
Shane: Oh okay. Big morning birthday plans?
Lily: Yes. I only have one hour with my present. I need to make the most of it.
Shane: Oh
Shane: Well enjoy I guess
Lily: Oh I will 😏
Megan: How’s everyone celebrating today’s national holiday?!
Caro: Holiday?
Jane: I think she means Ilya’s birthday
Megan: Yes, thank you Jane!!
Emmy: Ooh, Jane did you give him a gift?
Megan: If she did, I’m sure it involved her birthday suit
Jane: Maybe
Lana: !!!
Abi: Uhhh details
Jane: I just sent him a little video
Jane: I don’t know if it really qualifies as a gift. But I don’t usually send pictures or videos so I guess it’s something
Tia: Wait what?
Emmy: Huh?
Megan: Hold UPPP
Jane: What?
Megan: You don’t usually send him pictures or videos? Like at all?
Jane: No. I read a New Yorker article about how imessage is hacked. It’s a serious concern, I can pass on the link if you'd like to read.
Jane: So we just do stuff over Skype
Megan: Oh…my God
Emmy: askdksdkd
Caro: Wow
Jane: Is that bad?
Lana: They are shocked you seduced him without sending a single nude
Jane: Oh
Jane: Well now I’ve sent one
Emmy: He must be losing his MIND
Jane: I don’t know, maybe
Jane: He sent a lot of texts with typos
Katie: Oh I’m SURE
Jane: Now we’re skyping at noon
Tia: I love all this daytime sexting lol
Megan: I need details on this video though 👀
Lana: Same
Jane: There’s not much to tell
Jane: I was just using a dildo on myself
Megan: HOT
Katie: Oh I know he’s dead right now
Tia: Yeah that man is goneeee
Megan: Rip Ilya Rozanov, born and deceased on June 15th. We will miss you dearly
Svetlana: Happy birthday loser
Ilya: Thank you loser
Ilya: Can we push back lunch an hour?
Svetlana: Sure
Svetlana: Why?
Ilya: Jane has killed me
Ilya: You are texting a ghost
Ilya: I need to come back to life
Ilya: Then we will Skype at noon and I will die again
Ilya: So maybe 2?
Svetlana: You want to get lunch at 2?
Ilya: It’s my birthday!
Svetlana: Let’s just do dinner weirdo
Svetlana: I think you will need more than 2 hours to recover
Ilya: Yes. I think so 😝
Megan: We should play Ilya or some other fuckboy in honor of his birthday
Caro: Omg yes! We haven’t done that one in awhile
Abi: Pleaaase I’m so bored
Jane: What’s that?
Emmy: Kinda what it sounds like. Someone shares a quote and everyone has to guess if it’s something Ilya said or another fuckboy
Jane: I see
Megan: I’ll go first. “Please shower beforehand next time. As my mother always says, women should be seen, not smelled.”
Emmy: HUH???
Lana: That is not Ilya, that is a dead man
Caro: Yeah, nooo way in hell that’s Ilya omfg
Katie: Nah that can’t be Ilya. And wow what a good day to be a lesbian
Lana: 😂🌈
Jane: Not Ilya. He likes musk.
Abi: WHAT?
Tia: I can’t believe I just opened this chat to “he likes musk”
Jane: He does.
Lana: JANE 😂
Megan: Ooookay!! Hot
Megan: Anyways, you’re correct, it was not Ilya. It was, in fact, Shane Hollander poster guy
Jane: Ugh
Caro: Ew
Lana: Please never see him ever again
Megan: I won’t…
Katie: Why do I not believe you?
Megan: He just lives so close to meeee! It’s convenient
Jane: Yeah, a convenient way to get told you smell bad
Tia: Lol literally
Megan: Someone else give a quote
Emmy: I’ll go!!
Emmy: “I will see you in six weeks. Probably. Maybe."
Tia: Oh that’s Ilya
Megan: Yeah, Ilya
Jane: I don’t think it is
Tia: Of course YOU don’t
Emmy: It is in fact Ilya. That man can’t even commit to a hook up
Katie: Unless you’re Jane
Lana: Yup
Jane: Oh stop
Caro: Jane you should go!
Jane: Hmm okay
Jane: “I like other girls, but I also like you. Not as a person of course. But you have a good mouth.”
Megan: Oh that’s Ilya lying through his teeeeeth
Tia: Yeah, that sounds like him
Emmy: Mmm idk I think he likes Jane too much to say that
Lana: I think he likes Jane so much that he would say that
Jane: It’s him.
Megan: I KNEW your head game was ridiculous
Shane: Your shoe size is around mine, right?
Lily: No. I am much bigger.
Shane: 🙄
Lily: Why?
Shane: Just making sure the extra water shoes I have will fit you. I'll buy a few more pairs just in case.
Lily: Okay.
Shane: Do you have any allergies?
Lily: Yes. I am allergic to not sucking your dick
Shane: That’s a terrible line
Lily: I am allergic to pretty freckles and you will have to revive me?
Shane: Better
Shane: Any snacks I should have on hand? What do you like to have for breakfast?
Lily: Jane. Stop freaking out.
Shane: I’m not freaking out! I’m just trying to be a good host
Lily: I will eat anything for breakfast. Your ass, your gross spinach smoothies, whatever
Shane: I want you to be comfortable
Lily: I will be. You will be there
Shane: Oh
Shane: Wait how do you know about my spinach smoothies?
Lily: I have my ways ;)
Katie: Okay I know we don’t normally share Ilya tabloids in here BUT
Jane: What? What happened?
Megan: Not Jane worrying about her man lmao
Emmy: 👀
Katie: TMZ: NHL Stars Rozanov and Vaughn Spotted at Gay Bar
Jane: Oh
Jane: That headline’s misleading. They were at the Scott Hunter night thing.
Caro: The what?
Jane: During his speech at the NHL awards, Scott Hunter invited everyone in attendance to a gay club that was honoring him
Caro: Awww cute
Megan: That’s my ally king who everyone thinks is a homophobe ☺️
Katie: Ally. Suuuure.
Megan: Not this again…
Katie: Oh come on, look at the third picture of him dancing with that guy!! He’s basically grinding on him
Jane: Guy? What guy?
Jane: Who is that?
Emmy: I don’t think we should speculate
Katie: Isn’t half this chat speculation?
Tia: Kinda? But not really
Abi: Idk. On one hand I did indeed watch him swallow Cliff Marlow’s tongue. But on the other hand, he just exudes heterosexuality
Jane: Wait swallow? What do you mean swallow?
Lana: He really does exude heterosexuality
Lana: He is just being a good guy, showing up for Hunter.
Katie: Maybe…
Lana: What are you doing in there?
Lana: I need your help convincing Katie that he’s straight
Shane: Right sorry
Lana: Ugh
Lana: You are so jealous of this man
Shane: No I’m not.
Shane: Who is he?
Lana: How would I know?!
Lana: He is not going to this man’s cottage next month. Relax.
Shane: Okay. Sorry.
Shane: I think maybe I’m freaking out
Lana: I know you are freaking out
Shane: We’ve never spent this much time together. What if he hates me?
Shane: And seriously, who is this guy?
Lana: Enough. You are Shane Fucking Hollander. Start acting like it.
Shane: Fine
Lana: Now stop acting like it and go pretend to be a woman and make Katie think she is gay and delusional
Shane: What do I say?
Lana: I don’t know! Make something up!
Shane: Okay
Jane: I think it’s a cultural thing
Katie: What?
Jane: They dance with men a lot in Russia. He told me that
Tia: He did?
Katie: So you’re saying it’s Russian culture…to grind on a twink at a gay club…
Jane: No
Jane: I mean yes
Jane: It's a sign of respect. Gyration.
Tia: Huh
Lana: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Shane: I don’t know! I have a head injury!
Lana: You were a terrible liar before too
Lana: Ugh
Lana: Okay I will take one for the team and fuck Katie
Shane: Wait what?
Lana: Once I’m through with her, she will stop caring about Ilya’s sex life
Lana: I know, I know. I’m a saint. You're welcome.
Shane: Thanks?
Lana: I will DM her when I'm back from Moscow. In the meantime, we need to distract the girls
Shane: How do we do that?
Lana: You could tell them Ilya is visiting you
Shane: That’s a terrible idea
Lana: They will lose their minds and forget all about him being “gay”
Lana: And don’t you want them to know so you can text them when you inevitably freak out 10 times when he visits?
Shane: Ugh. Fine.
Jane: So I have some news
Megan: OMGGG
Emmy: it’s HAPPENINGGGG
Jane: Ilya is coming to visit me next month. At my summer home. We’re going to spend 2 weeks together.
Tia: NO SHITTT
Caro: Okay that’s not what I was expecting but it’s somehow better
Megan: “Summer home” of course you’re rich lmfao
Emmy: 2 weeks? That’s so domestic 😭
Abi: So are you official?
Jane: No
Jane: But I’m hoping we can spend this time figuring things out
Lana: Yay 🎉
Megan: Pls send us pics of Ilya shirtless. And preferably dripping wet.
Emmy: MEGAN
Jane: No.
Megan: Booo you’re so selfish
Shane: How was Scott Hunter night?
Lily: Fine. As boring as Hunter.
Lily: I met Hunter’s boyfriend. He’s very young.
Shane: Oh yeah?
Lily: Too young. He is probably waiting for Hunter to die of old age so he can cash in on life insurance
Shane: At least he’ll only have to wait a week
Lily: 😂😂😂
Shane: Meet any interesting people there?
Lily: Not really. Was just me, Hunter, Hunter’s toddler boyfriend, Vaughn, Bennett, and a bunch of sweaty gay guys
Shane: Hmm. Cool.
Lily: Oh I see. You’re jealous.
Shane: No I’m not.
Lily: Yes you are
Lily: You’re thinking of me dancing with the sweaty gay guys
Lily: Wishing it was you
Lily: Wishing I was grinding on you til you got hard
Lily: So hard you almost come in your pants right there in front of everybody
Lily: And you beg me to take you to the bathroom to suck your dick
Shane: Is that what you did? Suck that blond guy’s dick?
Lily: Blond guy? What blond guy?
Shane: The guy you danced with.
Shane: I saw the tabloid photos.
Shane: They came up on Instagram I mean.
Lily: I don’t remember any blond guy
Lily: Nice to know your instagram is full of sexy pictures of me though
Shane: Fuck off, it is not
Lily: Is too.
Shane: Is not
Shane: This Scott Hunter night thing is just a big deal so it kept popping up. That's all.
Lily: Okay. Sure.
Lily: I can send more photos if you want. Photos that no one else has seen.
Shane: Okay
Lily: Okay? I will not send them for okay
Lily: You have to ask nicely
Shane: Please
Lily: Please what
Shane: Seriously?
Shane: Ugh
Shane: Please send me photos.
Lily: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: Why the hell did you send me a picture of Marlow?
Lily: You asked for photos. You didn’t say what you wanted photos of.
Shane: You’re such an asshole
Shane: Please send me photos of you. Photos no one’s seen.
Lily: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: Fuck
Shane: Hey, does it bother you that I don’t send pictures as often as you do?
Lily: No.
Lily: I mean, I will always take more. But I have a big imagination.
Lily: And you do a lot of underwear ads
Shane: You look at those?
Lily: They just come up on my instagram. That's all.
Shane: Uh huh
Shane: Well. Nice photo. Seriously.
Lily: I know
Lily: What do you say?
Shane: Thank you
Shane: Are you packed?
Lily: No
Shane: What? How? You leave tomorrow
Lily: So I will pack tomorrow
Shane: Your flight’s at noon
Lily: Okay
Lily: I don’t have much to pack
Shane: What’s on your packing list?
Lily: Packing list?
Shane: Yeah. The list of stuff you need to pack.
Lily: throw clothes and shit in bag
Lily: End list
Shane: I have a packing list I use for everything. My mom made it for me years ago. Here, you can use it. It’s more specific to traveling during the season but maybe it will help you
Shane: SH-packing.docx
Lily: This is a terrible packing list
Shane: No it’s not
Lily: No condoms. Or lube.
Shane: Well yeah, my mom made it
Shane: Besides, I already bought condoms and lube. You don’t need to pack them.
Lily: Maybe we will run out. I will bring some just in case
Shane: You really don’t need to. I got a huge box and two big bottles of lube
Lily: Big plans. Let me see.
Shane: See what?
Lily: The condoms and lube. I want to see how much you got.
Shane: You’ll see tomorrow
Lily: Then how will I know you bought enough? I am trying to make my packing list, Jane
Shane: Ugh fine.
Shane: [image attached, tap to download]
Lily: Wow
Lily: You think we will use all of that?
Lily: You really are a slut
Shane: Shut up
Shane: You should pack tonight. Then tomorrow, you can do finishing touches and make sure you didn’t forget anything
Shane: You really just need clothes, it shouldn’t take long. And your phone charger?
Shane: Don’t worry about toiletries. I got your shampoo and conditioner
Lily: You did? How do you know what hair products I use?
Shane: I have my ways
Lily: Okay fine. I will pack.
Lily: Done
Lily: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: Wait that’s all you’re bringing?
Lily: Yes. And my phone charger.
Shane: That’s the smallest bag ever
Shane: That looks like a handbag a doll would use
Lily: You said I just need clothes!
Shane: Does that even fit clothes?
Lily: Maybe not. Maybe I will be naked everyday
Shane: I guess I wouldn’t complain…
Shane: Well. I should do some more cleaning and sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow?
Lily: Yes. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Shane: Text me when you’re boarding. And when you land. And when you deplane.
Lily: I will
Shane: Okay. Wow. This is really happening.
Lily: Yes
Lily: Wait, before you go…
Shane: Yeah? What’s up?
Lily: Do you think you got enough lube?
Shane: I hate you so much
Chapter End Notes
Next up: we’re going to the cottage. And tfw the love of your life says that he could marry your secret bestie… :/
Just a quick note: I’ve been working on mapping out an end to this story and will update the chapter count once I have a better concept of it. This work has no set update schedule, if I don't post an update for a few weeks, please know that I haven't forgotten about our girls. See you soon in the land of the loons!
Chapter 7: the cottage
Chapter Notes
WARNING: This chapter includes a link to a real YouTube video about animal abuse. I realize this is a very weird disclaimer for a humor crack fic. You'll understand why.
Watching the video is not required to understand the chapter. It's also something you've likely seen before if you lived in North America in the 2000s/2010s. Hint: It's the reason you have a Pavlovian response of bursting into tears when a Sarah McLachlan song comes on
As always, italicized texts indicate that Ilya and Sveta are speaking Russian
Shane: Are you at the airport yet?
Lily: No
Shane: Oh shit, are you stuck in traffic?
Lily: I haven’t left yet
Shane: What? But your flight’s in two hours
Lily: So?
Shane: You’re supposed to go one hour early for domestic flights, two hours for international
Lily: Canada is barely international
Shane: That’s so not true
Lily: This rule is only for pretty boys who worry too much
Shane: You should go.
Lily: What do I get if I do?
Shane: The joy of not missing your flight
Lily: And a kiss?
Shane: Obviously I’m going to kiss you no matter what
Lily: You are awful at bribery
Shane: You have to actually make your flight if you want to kiss me...
Lily: 🏃♂️✈️
Megan: Sooo, how many times have you been railed today, Jane? I wanna live vicariously through you
Jane: Lol he’s not here yet
Katie: How many times have you freaked out then?
Jane: Only 6.
Megan: What are you wearing?!
Tia: Megan, stop sexting Jane
Jane: Just a blue shirt and black shorts?
Megan: Short shorts? Lingerie?
Jane: Absolutely not
Megan: Booo
Lana: I’m with Megan. He would love to see you in lingerie
Jane: Stop.
Emmy: Everyone leave Jane alone! How are you feeling? Are you excited?
Jane: Kind of. Mostly I feel like throwing up.
Jane: We’ve never spent more than a few hours together.
Katie: Aww
Lana: This will be good for you.
Tia: It’ll be great!!
Megan: I wonder what he’s like when he sleeps…
Lana: I bet he hogs the blankets. And has very cold feet.
Caro: I guess Jane can tell us soon enough
Jane: Oh God
Lana: Deep breaths.
Shane: I’m trying
Lana: Despite what Megan thinks, he’s just a man
Shane: I know. I just haven’t seen him in awhile, you know? And the last time I did I was drugged out of my mind
Lana: Ah I see. You have pent up sexual energy.
Shane: No!
Shane: Well, yes.
Lana: It’s fine. Once he’s fucking you, everything will be okay.
Shane: What if it’s not? What if it’s really awkward?
Lana: It probably will be
Shane: Oh great, thanks
Lana: The world won’t end if it’s a little awkward, that’s all I’m saying
Shane: I don’t know about that
Shane: How are you? How’s Moscow?
Lana: Subtle subject change
Shane: Please just get my mind off of this for 30 seconds
Lana: Fine. Moscow is okay. Kind of boring without our boy.
Shane: My bad
Lana: Mmm hmm, I’m sure you feel sooo bad
Lana: I’m just ready to get back to Boston honestly
Shane: So you can ask Katie out?
Lana: Yeah, I guess. Someone has to get her mind off of our boy's sexuality
Shane: Sure. That's why.
Lana: I guess it doesn’t hurt that she’s super hot
Lana: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: Wow. Yeah, she's pretty.
Lana: It's nice of you to pretend to have any idea of how attractive women are.
Shane: I do have eyes
Lana: Eyes that are permanently stuck on our boy’s ass
Shane: Can you blame me?
Lana: Honestly, no
Shane: Speaking of, I’ve gotta head to the airport
Shane: Holy shit, this is really happening
Lana: Bring a barf bag. And condoms. I doubt either of you will last the whole drive back.
Shane: Shut up
Svetlana: How are you feeling?
Ilya: Bored. Jane made me get to the airport early.
Svetlana: Wanna try that again?
Ilya: No.
Svetlana: Ilyusha.
Ilya: What do you want me to say? I’ve never done anything like this. Ever.
Svetlana: So you'll figure it out together. He probably hasn’t either.
Ilya: Yeah right. I bet he and Rose Landry spent a week at the Ritz feeding each other room service and talking about their feelings
Svetlana: I don’t think being a jealous bitch is gonna make this less scary
Ilya: Ugh
Ilya: It doesn't matter. I’m gonna fuck it all up. I know I am.
Svetlana: Maybe. But I think he’ll love you anyways.
Megan: NOW are you getting railed?
Abi: Alright Megan, we’ve gotta get you laid
Megan: I got laid last night!
Lana: With Shane Hollander poster guy?
Megan: …maybe
Katie: MEGAN
Caro: Noooo
Lana: Why? Seriously why?
Megan: It’s the off season. The Bears aren’t in town
Emmy: You do know your only options aren’t NHL players and one mediocre man, right?
Megan: You’re severely underestimating how slim the pickings are in Tampa
Megan: Once the season starts, I’ll sleep with my 5th Bear. Who knows, maybe I'll fuck around and lock one down
Abi: I highly recommend Cliff
Megan: Noted (and fuck you)
Jane: I just got to the airport
Lana: Yay!!
Katie: Aaaaah!
Emmy: 🎊
Lily: Landed
Shane: 👍
Lily: That’s all I get? No welcome to Canada? No sexy picture of you riding a moose?
Shane: Why would I have a picture of that?
Lily: To welcome me!
Shane: Welcome to Canada, Lily
Lily: Thank you, Jane
Lily: I still want my moose picture. Maybe you could be shirtless in it?
Shane: Maybe you should fly back to Boston
Lily: Oh okay, will do. Enjoy using all that lube on yourself
Shane: Shut up and get out here
Megan: You know what I’m gonna ask…
Katie: omg stop asking!
Tia: Seriously?
Megan: What?! It’s been a whole day, I totally restrained myself
Emmy: Enoughhh. Does anyone else have love life updates?
Tia: Things are getting serious between me and Dev (the guy who asked me out at a coffee shop)
Emmy: Ahhh!!
Katie: Yaaaay
Caro: Okay I have a question for you guys actually… Have you ever told people you’ve dated that you slept with Ilya? My last boyfriend was SO jealous
Abi: omg really?
Megan: I told Shane Hollander poster guy a few months back and he was weird as hell about it 😭 BUT then I told him Ilya’s great at eating pussy and that's what got him to finally eat me out, so silver lining I guess
Katie: Wtf do you mean FINALLY?
Lana: I should fly to Tampa and punch him in the dick
Katie: I’ll come along! Best first date ever 😚
Lana: It really would be ☺️ Help me bury the body?
Katie: I'll bring the tarp if you bring the bleach! 💞
Megan: Not to sidetrack your flirting, but I do wanna hear more about how your ex reacted Caro
Tia: Ooh same
Caro: Okay so I was dating this guy who was a hardcore Bears fan, I think I mentioned him? Katie and Abi met him once
Katie: Is he the one who smelled really bad?
Caro: Yeah, he made his own deodorant
Tia: Oh FUCK no
Emmy: I just gagged a little
Abi: I remember him!! Wasn’t he literally wearing a Rozanov jersey?
Caro: Yup. And you guys were giggling about it lol so later I told him I slept with Ilya and he got really insecure? He got so intense about it and I don’t really get why because like I’m not Megan, I don’t think Ilya was all that
Megan: Hey!!
Caro: I’m just saying, we had fun, but I didn’t really care when Ilya blocked me. Anyways, a few weeks after I told him, the Bears got knocked out of the playoffs and he said that my pussy must have been bad luck and he dumped me!
Katie: HUHHH??
Emmy: Wtf that’s deranged
Tia: Men are trash
Lana: My murder list gets longer and longer
Katie: Okay but I hooked up with a girl who was excited I slept with a pro hockey player, then I watched the light leave her eyes as she realized I didn’t mean an NWHL player
Lana: 😂
Abi: Honestly fair
Tia: I actually told Dev recently because he saw me texting this chat and asked about the name. He didn’t care though. He just wanted to know if I get free tickets lol
Caro: Wait, does Ilya give free tickets?
Tia: I only asked once when my dad got sick. Rink side seats were on his bucket list. I explained that to Ilya (he never blocked me I guess since I moved away) and he hooked us up and got my dad a jersey signed by all the Philly players
Emmy: 😭
Megan: We really need to write an op ed exposing him as a secret sweetie pie
Lana: I think he would hate that
Megan: And I'm a season ticket holder so I didn’t ask for tickets
Emmy: Same. I was lowkey worried he’d block me if I asked
Megan: Yeah I was not risking that dick
Jane: I’m glad things are working out for you and Dev, Tia :)
Megan: WELL WELL WELL, SPWAKING OF GETTING THAT DIIIICK
Jane: Lol hi, sorry. I've been busy
Megan: Oh I’m SURE
Katie: Jane!! We need detaaails
Jane: We’ve just been spending time together, cooking, playing games, relaxing. It’s been nice.
Megan: …no one is believing it’s that chaste
Jane: Okay, he might have also gone down on me when I was on the phone with my best friend earlier.
Caro: WHAT?
Megan: Hot
Tia: Wait you answered the phone during sex?
Abi: Bold
Jane: No, I answered the phone and then Ilya started going down on me.
Megan: Again I say…hot
Emmy: Lol he’s such a menace
Caro: Did your friend notice?
Jane: I don’t think so. I wasn’t great at hiding it though. I kept putting him on hold.
Megan: Wait, him? Is your friend gay?
Jane: No. But he’s married.
Emmy: Still! Ilya was totally marking his territory
Lana: You should get him back the next time he is talking to his best friend. Sounds hot 😉
Jane: 🙄
Rose: Heyyy I’m wasting away on set, can you FaceTime?
Shane: Sorry, I can’t
Rose: Why, are you too busy playing scrabble with your parents?
Shane: I’m on a silent retreat
Rose: A what?
Shane: It’s where you don’t speak for 2 weeks straight.
Rose: Literally why?
Rose: And aren’t you speaking right now?
Shane: That’s different
Rose: How?
Shane: I’m not using my vocal cords.
Rose: So you’re on vocal rest?
Shane: No, just recharging my mind
Rose: …this all sounds like a really longwinded way to say you’re boning your mystery man
Rose: Omg, I see those dots disappearing and reappearing!! I’m right, aren’t I?!
Shane: No
Shane: Technically he’s boning me
Rose: !!!!
Rose: Tell me everything! Send me pics!!
Shane: I can’t
Rose: Boooo, why not?
Shane: I told you he’s closeted
Rose: At least tell me he’s hot
Shane: He’s very hot
Shane: It’s honestly kind of annoying how hot he is
Rose: EEEEK
Rose: Oh I’m so jealous. I haven’t had sex with a straight man in months. I feel like the Virgin Mary
Shane: …is the implication that Mary was having sex with gay men?
Rose: I don’t know her life!
Shane: I gotta go. He noticed I’m texting you and he’s jealous
Rose: Jealous? Of me?
Rose: YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME ON THAT NOTE
Shane: So, he just said he could marry you…
Lana: EXCUSE ME?
Shane: Yeah. Like for citizenship.
Lana: DOES HE HAVE A DEATH WISH?
Shane: I told him not to.
Shane: I don’t want him to get deported obviously. But there has to be another option, right?
Lana: Yes. Of course.
Lana: You could marry him
Shane: Oh please
Shane: I mean, maybe one day. But we haven’t even been on a real date yet.
Lana: I can’t believe he said that.
Shane: It's fine, I guess...
Lana: It's not. I would never do that to you.
Shane: I would understand if you did. To help him.
Lana: If it was the only option, of course I would. But breaking your heart shouldn’t be plan A
Shane: Thank you. That means a lot.
Lana: If he knew we were friends, I would call him to curse him out right now, believe me
Shane: Lol thanks, but I have it covered
Lana: No. You are very weak for him. I will find a way to get back at him for this.
Shane: You don’t have to. He’s just trying to figure out a way forward.
Lana: As if. I bet he was testing your loyalty, the little shit
Shane: I don’t know
Shane: It’s so weird he doesn’t know we’re friends. Should we tell him?
Shane: I told him I’m texting Rose again and he’s not happy. That’s my small dose of revenge.
Lana: 😂 Good
Lana: No. Don’t tell him. I will make him introduce us soon. We will get along great and he will be too pleased to ask questions
Shane: Yeah, okay…
Lana: Jane. If you cave and tell him about the chat because you are dick hungry, I will kill you
Shane: I won’t, I won’t
Shane: Alright, I gotta go, he's two seconds from forcibly dragging me into bed. Thank you though.
Lana: Of course
Lana: Try biting behind his earlobe. He likes that.
Shane: …does he or is this another form of punishment?
Lana: 😂 No no. I’m making my own plan
Shane: Why am I nervous?
Lana: 😏
Svetlana: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gspElv1yvc
Ilya: WHY WOULD YOU SEND THIS TO ME?
Ilya: Do you hate me? 😩😢😭
Svetlana: Just thinking about the time you cried for an hour after watching it
Ilya: AND NOW I AM CRYING AGAIN
Ilya: Those poor babies 😔😞💔
Ilya: Do you think Jane will let me adopt them all?
Svetlana: Maybe figure out your relationship first. How’s it going?
Ilya: Good.
Ilya: Sveta…
Ilya: I love him so much
Svetlana: I know
Svetlana: You should tell him that.
Ilya: I can't. It's too soon
Svetlana: It’s been how many years exactly?
Svetlana: That’s what I thought
Svetlana: Stop freaking out and just tell him. He loves you too.
Ilya: How can you be so sure?
Svetlana: Because you’re at his cottage
Svetlana: He has a lot to lose too
Ilya: I guess…
Svetlana: Ilyusha. He’s one of the only Asian players in the league. There’s so much pressure on him. Don’t forget what he's risking for you, okay?
Ilya: Okay. You’re right.
Svetlana: Always am
Ilya: Fuck, I love you. Even when you’re torturing me with three legged dog videos
Svetlana: There’s more where that came from…So if you’re being stupid…
Ilya: I’m not. At least, I’m really trying not to be.
Svetlana: Good. You deserve this.
Ilya: ❤️
Svetlana: I know you're sending that heart because you don't agree. Don't make me send her other ad.
Ilya: NOOO
Shane: Are you awake? Can I run something by you?
Lana: Yes.
Lana: Everything okay? It’s late there, yes?
Shane: Yeah. I’m trying to think of a way forward for us. You know, that’s not him marrying you
Lana: Like you marrying him?
Shane: Stop
Shane: I was just thinking, what if he signed with Ottawa?
Lana: Ottawa?
Shane: Hold on, I’ll send a voice note. I need to talk this out.
Shane: [voice message attached, tap to download]
Lana: Hmm…
Shane: I don’t mean to steal him away from you or anything. I just think we could really be something without the rivalry.
Lana: That’s not my biggest concern here. You know he would never win a Cup again, right?
Shane: He could
Lana: In Ottawa? 😂 Maybe if they get a new winger. And goalie. And coach. And second line center. Then sure, maybe
Shane: So you don’t think I should ask him?
Lana: I didn’t say that
Lana: It’s his life. And I think he’s serious about living it with you. Give him the choice, okay?
Shane: Yeah, okay, I’ll wake him up now
Lana: Wait isn’t it 2 AM there?
Lana: Jane?
Shane: He liked the idea. And he told me he loves me
Lana: Finally.
Lana: Please tell me you said it back.
Shane: Of course. I really do love him. A lot.
Lana: I know you do ❤️
Shane: Oh, he also asked if we can adopt a three legged dog?
Lana: Weird. How random.
Lily: Are you almost done?
Shane: I’ve been down here for literally 1 minute. Do you want breakfast in bed or not?
Lily: I will eat your ass instead. Come back, I miss youuu
Lily: And I love you 😊❤️
Shane: That’s not going to get you anything you want, you know
Lily: Are you sure?
Lily: I love you, I love you, I love youuuu
Shane: Then come down here weirdo
Lily: Say it back first. I want to see it in writing.
Shane: We still have to delete our texts
Lily: I know. I just want to see it. Please?
Shane: I love you so fucking much
Lily: Oh no
Shane: What?
Lily: You are about to be attacked by a kiss monster...it’s right behind you!!
Shane: You're soosapsd dp
Shane: I just wanted you to know he’s officially my boyfriend.
Shane: And I introduced him to my parents.
Rose: HOLY SHIT???
Rose: I'm so fucking happy for you! When are you gonna introduce him to meeee?
Shane: Can you fight?
Rose: Weird pivot but I'm decent at arm wrestling!
Shane: We will arm wrestle then. My biceps are huge. I will crush those little twigs you call arms.
Rose: Wait, is this Shane’s boyfriend? Send pictures of your hotness please!!
Shane: asddldwpe
Shane: Sorry, he took my phone. He’s an asshole
Rose: Noooo, give it back, I have 1000 questions for him
Shane: wasd lwwer
Shane: I must go, my boyfriend is going to fuck me with his massive cock. Goodbye wench
Rose: I’m too jealous to even be offended by you calling me a wench
Ilya: I met his parents today
Svetlana: Holy shit
Svetlana: How did it go? Are you okay?
Ilya: They’re so nice, Sveta. They gave me pasta and vodka. I think they liked me.
Svetlana: Of course they liked you. You’re the best when you’re not being a total dick.
Ilya: Such high praise
Ilya: Can I call you soon? We’ve been making plans for the future that I need to tell you about…
Svetlana: Of course
Svetlana: Whatever it is, I’ll be happy for you. I know he’s good for you.
Ilya: You say that but will you still love me even if I leave Boston?
Svetlana: Obviously. You're never getting rid of me
Ilya: Will you still love me even if I never win a Cup again?
Svetlana: Don’t push it
Ilya: I’ll call soon. Maybe in the fall you two can meet? I think you’d really like him
Svetlana: I think I would.
Ilya: And I want to hear about your person.
Svetlana: My person?
Ilya: Whoever keeps making you smile at your phone
Svetlana: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Ilya: I didn't just eat my boyfriend's ass til he cried
Svetlana: ??
Ilya: Oh, sorry, I thought we were telling lies
Jane: “You have to let me keep this Katie. She is very gay, that's why I have cats and rainbows by her name, see?” -Ilya while we’re clearing out his contacts
Katie: omg! I’m famous!!
Jane: He had seven different Katies, but I’m pretty sure that one was you
Katie: 😻🌈
Megan: Sorry, CLEARING OUT HIS CONTACTS???
Emmy: oh my GODDD
Jane: Yeah. When he was adding my parents to his contacts, I noticed a lot of women’s names so…
Megan: YOUR PARENTSSSS???
Tia: Holy FUUUUCK
Abi: This is insane
Emmy: I feel like I missed three hundred chapters
Jane: Yeah so my dad walked in on us making out. I introduced him to my parents after. It went well.
Jane: He’s my boyfriend now 😊
Emmy: Holy FUCK
Katie: LET’S GOOOO
Abi: AAAAAH
Tia: FINALLY!!!
Lana: Thank God
Caro: I’m knitting you that trophy bestie!!
Jane: Yay
Emmy changed the group chat name to Jane Fan Club
Tia: Fitting!!
Jane: Oh, you don’t have to do that
Emmy: I kinda do. I mean, we’re not his roster anymore
Megan: WAIT YOU’RE RIGHT, I’M GONNA CRYYYY! Our boy’s all grown up 😭
Katie: In fairness, most of us have been off the roster for a sec
Emmy: Still!!
Lana: I like this new name. Congratulations, Jane
Jane: Thank you.
Megan: Okay not to take away from the celebration, but I need to hear more about his contacts. Did you see any of our names besides Katie’s?!
Jane: I saw one that I think might be Emmy?
Jane: “Emily ? Nashville 🐆 blue door”
Megan: “Emily ?” is BRUTAL
Abi: Wtf does any of that even mean
Jane: I don’t know. He won’t explain his system. It’s deranged
Emmy: My apartment has a blue door so that probably is me. Damn
Jane: He did delete your number. Sorry.
Emmy: You’re so not sorry lmao
Tia: The least sorry a human being has ever been
Jane: Haha
Jane: Tia I saw your name too in his “graveyard section”
Tia: Graveyard section?
Jane: Yeah so when he stops hooking up with a girl, he adds a skull emoji before their name
Emmy: Why?
Jane: “Just in case”
Tia: In case of WHAT?
Jane: I asked that and he said “Emergency”. And I said “What kind of emergency?” and he said “pussy emergency”
Tia: …
Abi: And you said “hello sir, will you please be my boyfriend?”
Jane: More like he called himself my boyfriend in front of my parents and I said “Boyfriend? Really?” and he said, “I think so, probably”
Katie: Romantic
Lana: Oh Ilya…
Abi: A modern day Shakespeare
Megan: Okay but Jane you could make a fortune teaching classes on how to domesticate a fuckboy
Jane: I don’t really know how I did it honestly.
Jane: I’m sort of overwhelmed by the sheer amount of these contacts
Tia: He’s deleting them though right?
Jane: Yeah. Except his childhood friend, Katie, and Sheryl, his eighty year old neighbor
Emmy: …did he fuck Sheryl?
Jane: Honestly it’s unclear
Caro: Lol
Abi: His childhood friend, Katie, Sheryl, and YOU!!
Megan: Yeah, he LOOOVES you
Emmy: He really does. He loves you so much that he’ll explain the cheetah by my name
Abi: omg stop
Emmy: I CAN’T it’s gonna HAUNT ME
Jane: It seems like some girls have 🐆 and others have 🐢
Megan: Maybe it’s a speed thing then? Like how quickly we come?
Jane: Maybe. If it is, I’d definitely have a cheetah
Katie: 😂
Lana: I bet it’s how quick he can get in and out of a hookup
Lana: So girls who are “low maintenance” and take under an hour or so get a cheetah. Girls who take longer, a turtle
Lana: That way if he has more than one girl in a city, he decides who to meet up with based on how much time he has
Megan: Damn
Emmy: Wait so should I be flattered or insulted that I have a cheetah?
Jane: It’s neutral. I think.
Megan: What’s his contact for you Jane?
Jane: Just “Jane”
Emmy: That’s strangely sweet
Abi: lol literally why am I swooning rn
Katie: Once again, you guys need higher standards
Jane: He keeps adding emojis to my name now and I keep deleting them
Jane: Last time I checked it was “Jane 😻💦😩💕😍”
Katie: Okay that’s cute
Megan: 😭
Emmy: This boy and his emojis 😍
Emmy: Hi Jane! Question for you when you’re out from under Ilya.
Jane: Haha. What’s up?
Emmy: Sorrrryyy, I hate to interrupt!! I know you don't have much time left. He leaves soon, right?
Jane: Yeah, in two days. Now’s a good time though, he’s doing a puzzle with my dad
Emmy: Alright, well that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard
Jane: :)
Emmy: Okay sooo, someone just passed the entry test, which hasn’t happened since you joined. I wanted to make sure it’s okay with you if I add her? I know the vibe of the group is kind of different now that you've locked Ilya down
Jane: Yeah, I guess that’s fine.
Emmy: Alright, gonna add her now then! ☺️
Emmy: Okaaay ladies! New member incoming 👀 You know the drill, be nice
Katie: We’re always nice
Tia: Lol yeah right
Megan: Omg, hopefully she’s not an active roster member or she’s gonna be disappointedddd
Jane: She’ll be fine.
Abi: Lmaooo
Megan: You kill me Jane
Sasha was added to the chat
Chapter End Notes
Next up: Sasha and Shane build a friendship founded on kindness and mutual respect. Just kidding! Things were getting a little too chummy around here...
If you're wondering why [insert cottage scene here] wasn't included: There was SO much ground to cover, I think this is the longest chapter yet. I packed in as much as I could, but I figured some of it would and should stay between Shane and Ilya
Aaaand your eyes do not deceive you, we have an estimated chapter count! It's subject to change but right now, I think it'll be 12 total. It's pride now (happy pride!!) so I'm gonna be at the club lol but I'll bring you some juicy gay drama when I can. What a fitting way to celebrate!
Chapter 8: new friends
Chapter Notes
You know the drill: italics indicate that Sveta and Ilya are speaking Russian...which now includes Sasha too!
Megan: HELLO! STATS STATS STATS
Jane: Wait, you’re still doing that?
Megan: Yeah, I’m a dickopologist. I’m dedicated to my work even if Ilya’s off the market
Abi: Wtf is a dickopologist?
Megan: Like an anthropologist but for dicks
Tia: That sounds like you apologize for dicks
Megan: That too
Katie: She does for Shane Hollander poster guy
Megan: 🖕
Sasha: Ilya is off the market?
Emmy: Surpriseeeee
Megan: Yeah, Jane here has a Godly tongue and locked him down
Emmy: Capitalizing godly there feels like a sin
Sasha: Interesting. Only took you, what? Five years? Or longer?
Jane: What?
Caro: Wait, do you two know each other?
Jane: No.
Sasha: I have seen some of their texts. They were…enlightening.
Jane: What exactly did you see?
Sasha: Nothing too interesting…
Jane: ???
Lana: I’m not sure we should add new members out of respect for Jane.
Emmy: I asked Jane first, she was fine with it!
Sasha: Oh thank goodness you got queen Jane's permission
Lana: Get out.
Sasha: Sveta?
Lana: Leave the chat.
Sasha: Jane first
Katie: What?
Emmy: Literally what is happening?
Megan: I don’t know but I’m dropping everything to make popcorn
Lana: What the fuck are you doing?
Sasha: Investigating 🕵️♂️
Lana: Investigating what? Leave the group, I’m serious
Sasha: Ilyusha hasn’t been spotted with a woman in months. I wanted to know what/who he was doing
Lana: Now you know, bye bye
Sasha: I guess he’ll only be spotted with one woman from now on. Or man? I swear I saw him waxing poetic about Jane’s dick once
Lana: You saw nothing
Sasha: Really? They were just discussing deep throating bananas then?
Lana: If you out him to the group, I’ll cut your balls off. Don’t fucking test me.
Sasha: Relax. Obviously I won’t. I just want to get to know the boy who's playing house with Ilyusha. He must be the whole package. What do you think, 8 inches? Or 9?
Lana: Stay away from him.
Sasha: Protective, hmm? Are you replacing me?
Lana: They don’t know about him. Some of them have suspicions, you need to be cool.
Sasha: Good thing Sasha's a girl’s name in America then 😉
Lana: Ugh
Sasha: I don’t see what the big deal is. He's in your little group playing pretend, why can’t I be?
Lana: Because I know how you are. You’re no good at sharing your toys. Leave him out of it.
Sasha: Boo when did you get so boring?
Shane: What exactly is going on?
Shane: Hello?
Lana: Sorry, I was dealing with it
Lana: Or trying to
Shane: Dealing with what?
Lana: Sasha is a friend from Moscow.
Shane: Okay?
Shane: There’s more you’re not telling me.
Lana: He can be a bit of a pain
Shane: Ah. I see.
Lana: I can message Emmy. She would kick him out.
Lana: He knows you’re a man. He saw some texts I guess. Our boy isn't the most subtle
Shane: Oh shit. Would he out us?
Lana: No. He loves drama, but he would never
Shane: Then I guess it’s fine.
Lana: You don’t have to pretend…
Shane: Pretend what?
Lana: Pretend you’re not jealous.
Shane: I’m not.
Lana: Uh huh
Shane: I’m already in a group chat full of people who used to fuck my boyfriend. I don’t see what difference one more would make.
Lana: Okay…
Shane: I’m fine. Trust me.
Lana: I find that hard to believe
Shane: What if I add a smiley face?
Shane: I’m fine :)
Lana: Has that ever worked before?
Shane: :)
Lana: Sorry. Sasha is an old friend.
Katie: Oh okay. How do you know each other?
Sasha: Through Ilyusha. We had a threesome once, before I decided women aren’t for me
Katie: Oh
Abi: Omg Lana, I didn’t know you had a threesome with Ilya too! Twins
Lana: Yes. Just once.
Sasha: Three times**
Emmy: Ooookay
Sasha: He’s just so fun to share. Don’t you think, Jane?
Jane: We don’t do that.
Sasha: You don’t have threesomes? What, so you’re monogamous?
Jane: Yes.
Sasha: 😂
Jane: What's so funny?
Sasha: The fact that you honestly believe you can lock him down.
Jane: Just because you couldn’t doesn’t mean I can’t
Megan: GET HER AGAIN
Caro: Okay, she very much did lock him down though
Sasha: Sure
Emmy: I don’t love this insinuation that Jane’s being cheated on
Sasha: She might not be yet. But it’s just a matter of time.
Tia: Idk. I know Ilya’s a fuckboy, but he seems serious about Jane
Lana: Yes. I agree.
Jane: :)
Megan: …can we go back to sharing stats?
Emmy: Yeah, good idea
Sasha: Stats?
Abi: Your age, race, body type, etc. Whatever you're comfortable sharing. They’re mostly for Megan’s records lmao
Sasha: Young. Fit. Gorgeous. Unlike some people, able to keep up with Ilyusha.
Jane: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sasha: I’ve seen the way you text and, well, your name is fitting
Jane: My name?
Sasha: Yes. Isn’t it a phrase? Plain Jane?
Tia: I feel like I’m witnessing cyberbullying wtf
Emmy: Yeah, Sasha, this isn’t cool. You agreed to the ground rules.
Sasha: Sorry. I’ll be a good girl from now on, I promise
Emmy: Okay…Just consider this your first warning
Katie: You okay, Jane?
Jane: Fine
Jane: Ilya just got out of the shower so I’ve gotta get going anyways. If he isn’t inside of me in the next thirty seconds, he’ll get cranky.
Jane: Have a good night, Sasha
Abi: OPE
Megan: Jane, I wanna be you when I grow up
Shane: What does Sasha’s dad do for a living?
Lana: What?
Lana: Doesn’t our boy leave tomorrow?
Shane: Yup
Shane: He’s helping my dad dice onions, be quick
Lana: Is he crying?
Shane: Yeah. He’s been kinda teary all day though. I think the onions are just a cover
Lana: Poor baby. At least you’ll play against each other pretty often
Shane: Yeah
Shane: So Sasha’s dad?
Lana: Oh my God
Lana: Are you doing a background check? Do you want his blood type too?
Shane: I’m just wondering if his dad happens to be a hockey coach.
Lana: Maybe. Why does it matter?
Shane: So they hooked up in high school then? Have they hooked up since?
Lana: I don’t know. Why do you care?
Shane: No reason.
Lana: You know I fucked our boy too, right? The first time he did anal was with me
Lana: One time he picked me up and fucked me against a wall and he dropped me
Lana: The first time we had sex, he came in 10 seconds. It was really pathetic.
Shane: Please stop talking
Lana: My point is it doesn’t matter! He’s with you. Now go enjoy your last day together
Shane: Ugh fine
Lana: And send me a picture of him crying
Shane: [image attached, tap to download]
Lana: ❤️ baby
Lily: I’m at the gate
Shane: Okay. Good.
Lily: Is it good?
Shane: No. I feel like I’m gonna throw up.
Lily: Me too
Shane: Just let me know if your flight’s cancelled or anything
Lily: What and you’ll turn back around?
Shane: I’m still here. In the cell phone lot
Lily: Oh
Shane: I just wanna make sure you take off safely
Lily: Fuck I love you
Shane: I love you too
Shane: Is it corny to say I miss you already?
Lily: Yes. Very corny.
Lily: I miss you more
Shane: It’s not a competition
Shane: I miss you most though
Lily: I have all day to do this
Shane: Til your flight boards in 2 hours
Lily: 😡
Katie: Lmfao a girl in the Rozy’s whores chat is saying she fucked Ilya in Moscow last week and it’s taking everything in me not to reply “DIRTY LIAR”
Tia: Lol please do it
Megan: Please do and then send us screenshots**
Jane: Please don’t. We’re keeping our relationship private so I guess the rumors kinda help
Megan: You’re stronger than me. I’d be posting pictures of him all over me captioned “HE’S MINE BITCH”
Emmy: lol same
Abi: Yeah I’d turn into one of those birds from finding nemo
Caro: 😂
Sasha: Ladies, be nice. Jane deserves her privacy.
Jane: Thanks.
Sasha: Ilyusha’s first public partner would face A LOT of scrutiny. People would say you’re not hot enough for him, I’m sure
Jane: Yeah and you’d have to see us together and face the fact that you’re never gonna fuck him again
Sasha: Never? What, are there wedding bells in your future?
Jane: Yes. We’ve talked about it.
Sasha: Adorable.
Emmy: omg that’s SO exciting!!
Katie: Okay, I won’t stand for this Jane slander. I KNOW you’re hot
Megan: Yeah, I assume you're the kind of hot that makes you sort of ill. Like "human beings are allowed to look like that?" levels of hotness
Lana: I can confirm that that’s true.
Katie: You know what Jane looks like?
Lana: Yes. Ilya showed me pictures.
Megan: Wait what?
Lana: I haven’t been totally honest with you girls.
Emmy: ??
Katie: About what? You can tell us anything!
Lana: I’m Svetlana Vetrova, Ilya’s best friend
Lana: I haven't told him anything we've said in here though. This chat is sacred ♥️
Tia: Oh! Cool!!
Emmy: I was sweating for a sec, I thought it was gonna be something bad lol
Katie: ASLDLSD
Katie: Sorry. I just googled you and I think I might collapse and also die
Katie: I KNEW YOU WOULD BE HOT BUT JESUS CHRIST
Lana: Haha thanks
Tia: Daaamn, I just googled too! And followed you on Instagram. You’re so cute!
Katie: No. Calling her cute would be like calling Ilya okay at hockey
Katie: I’m…
Emmy: Aww you broke Katie
Lana: Oops.
Lana: I will be back in Boston next week. Maybe I can buy you a drink and make it up to you?
Katie: Um. YES???
Lana: 😙
Katie: Please forgive me if I fall to the floor in your presence
Lana: It's okay. I bet you look pretty on your knees
Megan: GET IT LANA
Katie: Okay, apparently it's possible to die twice
Caro: Hold up, you live in Boston?
Abi: Omg! You’ve been holding out on us!! After you finger blast Katie, wanna catch a game with us?
Emmy: Wild use of finger blast
Katie: Totally appropriate use actually
Lana: Yeah, sure! We can sit in Ilya’s seats, they’re great
Megan: WAIT HOLD ON
Megan: I just googled. First of all DAMN GIRL. Second of all…
Megan: YOU’RE SERGEI VETROV’S DAUGHTER?
Lana: Yup
Megan: OMFG!! Finger blast me first please
Caro: Aren’t you straight?
Megan: I’m gay for good hockey
Katie: I WILL fist fight you, Megan, don’t test me
Shane: I’m surprised you told them.
Lana: I figured it was a good distraction.
Lana: Besides, Katie will find out soon enough. And I only kept it a secret to keep an eye on these groups. They’re basically defunct now that you’ve locked our boy down.
Shane: Are they? Maybe Sasha’s right. Maybe he’ll lose interest
Lana: Ew. I hate when you’re insecure.
Shane: I’m not being insecure, I’m being realistic. I’ve seen the way that long distance eats away at my teammates, and they at least go home to their partners.
Lana: So what? You’ve won two Stanley Cups and this is when you become a quitter?
Shane: I’m not quitting. I’m just scared. There’s a lot of gorgeous women in Boston…
Lana: Remind me to slap you when we finally meet
Lily: Landed
Lily: A girl recognized me at the airport. I told her I was coming back from a beach vacation
Lily: I think I will buy this for you
Lily: [image attached, tap to download]
Lily: Okay, now I’m concerned I haven’t heard from you
Lily: Whatever
Shane: Hey, sorry, I was driving back to my apartment
Lily: Oh right. Did you get there okay?
Shane: Yup
Shane: Did you really get me that teddy bear wearing your jersey?
Lily: Of course. He looks just like me. You can cry into him every time I beat you this season
Shane: Fuck off. I can't have that thing in my home
Lily: Why not? I will shake some cigarette ash on him so he smells like me
Shane: Ew, that's disgusting. You know my mom would disown me if I owned any Bears merch
Lily: Too late for that
Shane: What? What did you do?
Lily: Check your suitcase))
Shane: Oh God
Shane: Seriously? When the hell did you sneak your Boston shirt in here?
Lily: I can be very distracting when I want to be 😉
Lily: Was only fair since I stole your flannel
Shane: Wait you did? Give it back
Lily: Mmm no. Looks very sexy on me
Shane: It looks better on me
Lily: You think so?
Lily: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: Fuck
Lily: Uh huh
Abi: Well LOOK who I ran into when I was picking my sister up at Logan earlier!!
Abi: [image attached, tap to download]
Caro: OMGGG
Tia: ILYAAAA
Jane: Oh wow
Emmy: No fucking way! What are the odds?
Megan: Lol, this picture is so awkward. It looks like he’s posing with a fan
Abi: That’s because he thought he was 😭 I don’t think he remembered me at all…
Emmy: STOP
Katie: Noooo
Abi: In fairness, that threesome was a fever dream. We were all drunk and high as fuck
Emmy: Still! That’s brutal
Megan: What did you say? “Remember that time I rode you cowgirl style?”
Katie: What an opening
Megan: That was the PG version. I’d just moan really loud to jog his memory
Emmy: Pleaaaase
Jane: You didn’t tell him about the chat, did you? Or me?
Abi: Omg no, I just let him think I was a fan. I mean…I guess I am lmao
Abi: I did ask where he was coming from though and he said “a beach vacation”. It took everything in me not to roll my eyes
Sasha: So he didn’t even mention that he was in a relationship? Interesting.
Jane: Is it? Maybe you only think I’m boring because you have a weird definition of interesting
Lana: 😂
Abi: Lol it wasn’t really relevant to the conversation. I WILL SAY his nose was buried in his phone. I wonder who he was texting 👀
Jane: We were texting about a teddy bear wearing his jersey that he wants to buy me.
Emmy: AWWW
Caro: Okay that’s adorable
Sasha: How…domestic.
Megan: Not to be a weirdo, but I zoomed in on that photo and his eyes are so red 😭 I know he was crying about leaving you, Jane
Jane: I’ve been crying a bit too. It’s weird not having him here anymore.
Sasha: You’ll live.
Shane: What exactly is Sasha’s problem with me?
Lana: The same problem you have. He’s jealous
Lana: Are you open to threesomes at all? If you had one the next time he was in America, it would solve everything
Shane: Absolutely not
Lana: I’m kidding! Kind of
Lana: Honestly, I think he’s also worried about our boy
Shane: Worried?
Lana: He doesn’t know anything about you. I was worried at first too. What if you’re a gold digger?
Shane: I’m rich
Lana: Well he doesn’t know that
Caro: I’m sorry Jane! Long distance is tough. I was long distance with a guy for a year and it was brutal
Katie: In true lesbian fashion, I’ve had two long distance relationships and yeah they’re NOT for the faint of heart
Jane: Thanks. I’ve honestly been considering chartering a private jet to him. Since I can afford that.
Emmy: Oh damn
Caro: What exactly do you do for a living?
Jane: I do some modeling ☺️
Tia: Oh really? What agency are you signed with? I’ve done some modeling too
Jane: I don’t feel comfortable disclosing that.
Tia: That’s fine! Sorry, didn’t mean to pry
Sasha: Huh
Jane: What?
Sasha: It all just sounds too good to be true, that’s all
Jane: Well it is true
Sasha: You must be a REALLY successful model if you can afford a private jet
Jane: I am actually.
Sasha: Okay
Jane: Why would I lie about that?
Sasha: I don’t know. To impress us. To impress Ilyusha.
Jane: Oh, so now I’m lying to my boyfriend?
Sasha: Maybe. Who knows?
Emmy: If Jane says she’s rich, I believe her
Katie: Same. But you can always prove it by paying off the $20k I still have on my student loans 😜
Jane: Okay. What’s your email? I can e-transfer you
Katie: I WAS KIDDING??
Katie: But for shits and giggles, it’s katiestanton12@gmail.com
Katie: HEY WHAT THE FUCK?
Jane: What?
Jane: Is it not enough?
Katie: YOU SENT ME TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARSSSS????
Jane: You said that’s how much debt you had left, right?
Katie: Is this a scam? Somehow???
Jane: No
Jane: Enjoy.
Katie: …did you seriously pay off my debt to prove to Sasha that you’re rich?
Jane: I paid off your debt because no one should be 20k in the hole from going to school. That's frightening.
Katie: That’s actually low, and I got them down from 22k. Which is also pretty low
Jane: None of this sounds "low" for an education
Katie: Apparently it's low enough for you to pay off though? Seriously what the fuck? Are you secretly Gigi Hadid?
Jane: Who?
Katie: She's a model?
Jane: Right. I knew that. Haha.
Katie: Okay...you're sure about this though? Like sure sure? I can reject the payment. It will physically pain me but I'll do it. I don't want you to regret this or anything
Jane: Why would you reject it? It's yours
Katie: Okay. Wow. Thank you. Holy fuck
Katie: Is there anything I can do for you? Like anything at all?
Jane: Maybe thank me in the group chat haha
Katie: Oh you’re so fucking messy
Jane: Is that a no?
Katie: That’s a fuck yes
Katie: [screenshot attached, tap to download]
Katie: UMMMM? Thank you Jane!!!
Tia: WHAT?
Emmy: ??? Is this real?
Caro: UHHHH
Katie: Completely real. I’m gonna pay it off tomorrow. I just wanna stare at my bank account with 5 figures in it first
Megan: SUGAR MAMA JANEEE
Abi: Me next pls 😭
Sasha: Wow. Your bank account must be deep in the negatives now Jane. Poor baby.
Jane: Okay seriously, what the hell is your problem?
Sasha: I don’t have a problem
Jane: Clearly you do. Just say it.
Caro: I’m with Jane tbh. The vibes are weird. Maybe we should clear the air?
Emmy: Clear the air respectfully please
Megan: Clear it disrespectfully actually 🍿
Sasha: I guess I’m just surprised he’s settling down with you. From what I saw in your texts, I don’t think you’d be a good fit
Jane: What does that mean? What did you see?
Sasha: Not much. It just seemed like you don’t get on top enough for his taste.
Tia: Oh fuck
Caro: GIRL
Emmy: Wtf? Enough Sasha. This is your last warning
Abi: That's not shots fired, that's a whole fucking artillery 😭
Megan: Some of us are really good at just lying there actually
Shane: Have you ever bottomed before?
Lily: What?
Shane: Do you want to bottom? I could fuck you
Lily: What is happening?
Lily: Oh I see. You miss me so much that you're watching lots of porn. What did you search for? Hot jock Russians?
Shane: No
Shane: I’m just wondering.
Shane: Have you bottomed? For other men?
Lily: Have you topped other men?
Shane: You know I haven’t
Lily: Who knows what you and Pike get up to
Shane: What? Ew!
Shane: You’re avoiding the question
Lily: I’m trying to understand it
Lily: What’s going on? I just left and suddenly you want to panic top me?
Lily: If I don’t get to fuck you in 3 weeks because you’re having a gay crisis, I will cry
Shane: Obviously I need you to fuck me
Shane: It’s just kind of weird that I don’t know
Lily: If it matters so much to you, yes. I have bottomed before.
Shane: For who?
Lily: My coach’s son back in Russia. We were young, figuring it out together. I learned I’d rather top
Shane: Oh
Lily: Aww did you want to deflower me?
Shane: Fuck off
Shane: Maybe you’d like it with me
Lily: Maybe
Lily: But we only get so much time together. I’d rather spend it in your pretty hole. Okay?
Shane: Yes. More than okay.
Shane: FaceTime soon?
Lily: FaceTime now?
Shane: ❤️
Shane: I need some relationship advice
Rose: Omg! Marking this historic date down in my calendar
Shane: Never mind. I’ll ask my mom instead.
Rose: Ew don’t do that. I love Yuna, but come on. Talk to meeee
Shane: Okay. Fine.
Shane: I’ve recently come into contact with my boyfriend’s ex and he hates me. I don’t know what to do. I wish he wasn’t getting under my skin, but he is.
Rose: First of all, welcome to the club! That's a boyfriend rite of passage
Rose: Second of all, what does “came into contact” mean? Like you met him?
Shane: Sort of.
Rose: I can’t give you advice if you’re speaking in riddles
Shane: I can still ask my mom…
Rose: Ugh
Rose: With my LIMITED INFORMATION, I say kill him with kindness. Make yourself IMPOSSIBLE to hate
Shane: Are you saying I’m particularly hateable now?
Rose: I’m saying he’ll feel like more of a jealous freak if you’re soooo nice and charming that he has no good reason to hate you
Shane: Hmm. Okay.
Rose: What have you done so far?
Shane: Not much.
Shane: I gave someone $20k so he'd know I'm rich.
Rose: SHANE WHAT???
Rose: I wish I could x ray your brain and study it
Shane: 🙄
Rose: Have you talked to your hot mysterious boyfriend about it?
Shane: Sort of? I tried to bring up their sexual history at least. To make sure I'm satisfying him.
Rose: Tried to?
Shane: We ended up just having phone sex
Rose: Ooh love
Rose: Well I'd def go the kill him with kindness approach from here
Shane: And if that doesn't work?
Rose: Maybe ask him frankly and privately what his issue is? Or you could just kill him
Shane: Yeah, great plan. I'll flatten him with a zamboni
Rose: omg Shane, don't put it in writing!
Jane: Hi girls :) How's everyone doing today?
Megan: Good! The weather's shit but it literally always is
Caro: Goood, just knitting a hat for my niece
Jane: And Sasha? How are you? :)
Sasha: Peachy. Reminiscing on old times!!
Sasha: [image attached, tap to download]
Lana: Stop.
Sasha: What? Jane asked how I am
Megan: Baby I don’t care how many hickeys you gave him 5 years ago, he’s still not yours
Jane: Cute throwback. Haha. :)
Katie: Real talk, Sasha, this is a bad look. Let it go and find a new man.
Abi: ^^^
Sasha: I will when Ilyusha finds someone who’s up to his standards.
Tia: But don’t you think if he’s chosen Jane, it’s because she meets his standards?
Caro: Literally!!
Sasha: Mmm no. He's probably suffering a mental break of some kind. Like when middle aged men buy sports cars
Tia: Uhhh what?
Megan: Wtf is wrong with you?
Jane: It's fine, really. :) Sasha's entitled to her feelings. They aren't our problem.
Sasha: And if you want to waste your life waiting at home for a man who's out fucking everything on 2 legs, I guess that's not my problem
Megan: Has anyone ever told you you talk too much?
Sasha: Better than not talking enough. I once watched Ilyusha send Jane a nude and she replied “thanks”
Jane: That's not fair. Just because I don’t suck up to him doesn’t mean I can’t give him what he needs.
Sasha: I’m sure that’s not the only sucking you pass over…
Jane: EXCUSE ME?
Jane: I suck his dick literally all the time. I’d actually kill to be sucking his dick right now.
Megan: Down girl, we believe you
Jane: Just goes to show how little you know.
Sasha: How little I know? And what do you know? Do you even know his favorite color? His least favorite food? His mother’s name?
Jane: Orange. Mint chocolate chip ice cream. Irina.
Sasha: That proves nothing
Jane: Oh my God. What do I possibly have to say for you to stop hating my guts?
Sasha: It’s not about how I feel! Come on. You must know why I’m wary. Or did he fuck your tiny brain out completely?
Emmy removed Sasha from the chat
Emmy: I’m SO sorry, I was at pilates, just now seeing this. I figured it was best to remove her right away but I’ll DM her and let her know she’s not welcome back
Abi: Finally! What a weirdo
Megan: Thank you for taking the trash out Emmy omfg
Emmy: Of course. That was intense! Are you okay, Jane?
Jane: Fine.
Caro: I’m not, wtf was that?
Jane: I’m not sure…
Jane: Hi
Sasha: Hi?
Jane: I figured maybe we could speak more candidly one on one. Why do you hate me so much? Are you really that jealous?
Sasha: Are you really that stupid?
Jane: I wanna say no
Sasha: Ilyusha and I used to fuck, yes. But he’s also my friend. I don’t want to see him throw his home and safety away for some boy.
Jane: Oh
Jane: For what it’s worth, this isn’t a decision we made lightly
Sasha: Sure
Jane: It’s not. If anything ever happened to him, it would destroy me. I promise I’ll keep him safe. He’s it for me.
Sasha: How can you be sure? He’s not exactly easy to love
Jane: What? Yes he is
Jane: Trying not to love him is seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever done
Sasha: Fuck
Sasha: You don’t do threesomes, do you?
Jane: Absolutely not
Sasha: Worth a shot
Chapter End Notes
I like to think they worked it out on the remix
Edit 8/19, next up: Shane meets Sveta and Sveta meets Katie
Chapter 9: meet cutes
Chapter Summary
Shane meets Sveta, Sveta meets Katie, and Rose finds out who Shane's mystery man is
Chapter Notes
Oops, I LIED! I initially said this chapter would be about Ilya signing with the Centaurs, but when I sat down to write it, I realized I wasn’t ready for a time jump just yet
So this chapter takes place only a few weeks after the last one and the chapter count has been increased by one. Thanks for bearing with me, I hope you’ll be Shane levels of flexible about this change! :)
Conversations in italics still indicate that Ilya and Sveta are speaking Russian
Ilya: It will sound like he’s explaining hockey to you, but I promise he’s not. That’s just how he talks
Ilya: He doesn’t drink much during the season, don’t push him to
Ilya: You can’t threaten him more than once. I mean it. You get one threat. Make it good.
Svetlana: Relax. I don’t bite
Ilya: You absolutely do bite. I have the pictures to prove it
Svetlana: I’ll play nice. Mostly.
Ilya: Ugh
Lily: She’s probably the only person on Earth besides Yuna who knows as much about hockey as you. So just remember that
Lily: She’ll try to get you drunk, but you can say no
Lily: Ignore her threats. She’s harmless
Shane: Okay?
Shane: You’re really nervous, huh?
Lily: No.
Lily: I just want you to be prepared.
Lily: You get in tomorrow afternoon, yes?
Shane: Yup
Shane: Do you think it’s safe to wear a butt plug on a plane? I’ve been googling and the results seem skewed toward commercial flights
Lily: Have I mentioned that I love you?
Shane: Hmm I’m not sure…
Lily: I love you. So much.
Shane: I love you too. I hope you'll still love me after I beat you Thursday
Lily: I will still love you after you lose and cry like a little baby
Shane: In your dreams
Lily: In my dreams, you ride me on the ice after you lose
Shane: Wouldn't it make more sense for me to ride you out of victory?
Lily: Not as sexy that way
Lily: I think you and Sveta will really love each other, you know
Shane: I’m sure we will :)
Shane: He’s really freaking out about dinner tomorrow…
Lana: Yup. It’s adorable.
Shane: Are you sure we shouldn’t just tell him that we know each other? To put him at ease?
Lana: How would we possibly explain that?
Shane: I don’t know. We could make up a story. Like that we met at an NWHL game
Lana: Where? When? You want to tell him you blew off fucking him in Boston to secretly watch women’s hockey with me?
Shane: I don’t know. At least he’d know we know and like each other
Lana: We will know and like each other tomorrow. You’re just anxious because you haven’t gotten laid in a month
Shane: No
Shane: And it's been over a month. It's been almost 5 weeks.
Lana: You realize that proves my point, right?
Lana: I'm not worried since this is me right now
Lana: [image attached, tap to download]
Shane: Is that Katie?
Lana: Yup. She passed out after her twelfth orgasm
Shane: Jesus
Shane: So are you guys dating now?
Lana: No. I don’t really date.
Shane: Okay…
Lana: You of all people don’t get to judge me
Shane: I’m not judging!
Lana: Uh huh
Tia: Jane, I need to know how you handle being in a long distance relationship. Dev’s out of town for the week visiting his grandparents and my skin’s crawlinggg
Jane: I’m not sure I have any advice honestly. Once I reached 2 days without sex, I started vibrating. It's only gotten worse since.
Megan: Lmaooo felt
Emmy: 2 days? Did you guys really fuck every day you were at your cottage?
Jane: Yeah, of course
Emmy: Damn. My last boyfriend and I would have sex once a week on a good week
Jane: Once a week? Wow
Jane: It’s been 33 days and I feel ill
Caro: I love that you know the exact amount of days lol
Abi: I’m just imagining Jane with a tally mark scratched on the wall
Jane: Honestly, it's getting to that point
Katie: 33 days is impressive! It’s been 1 day since I got laid and I’m trembling like a chihuahua
Lana: My bad
Abi: HELLOOOO???
Tia: !!!
Megan: DEETS DEETS DEETS
Katie: Lol enough
Caro: KATIE! DEETS!!!
Katie: I can’t give deets when she’s in the chat??
Emmy: Do it Ilya style and describe it in emojis
Jane: Haha
Lana: Please do
Katie: Hmm okay
Katie: ☺️❤️☺️😘😘💧👅👉🍆💦💦💦💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💀😴
Caro: Hot
Megan: I feel like I just watched porn
Emmy: I have so many questions. What’s with all the explosion emojis? Is that a typo?
Tia: I think they’re orgasms
Emmy: No, I don’t think so. There’s way too many of them
Abi: Oh honey
Katie: 😬
Megan: …unfortunately felt
Shane: Hey
Rose: Oh God, what’s wrong?
Shane: What? Nothing.
Rose: Bullshit. You have never in your life hit me with a solo "hey"
Shane: I say hey all the time. It’s a polite way to open a conversation.
Rose: I have a call with my agent in twenty minutes, get on with it
Shane: Fine. I’m meeting my boyfriend’s best friend today
Rose: Uh what the fuck?
Rose: When do I get to meet him?
Shane: Soon. I hope. He (begrudgingly) said I can tell you who he is
Rose: UMM WHAT? WHEN?
Shane: Last week when we were on FaceTime
Shane: I just don’t know how to…say it. I’ve never actually told anyone.
Rose: Aww!
Rose: You can tell me, you know I won’t judge
Shane: I know. It’s just weird saying the words.
Rose: If it helps, I’m pretty sure I already know who it is
Shane: Really?
Rose: Yup. Ripped hockey player with a sexy accent?
Shane: Yeah. Fuck.
Shane: How’d you figure it out? Are we that obvious on the ice?
Rose: No! I just figured only a hockey player would be good enough for you and narrowed it down from there
Shane: Well at least I don’t have to say it now.
Rose: Nooo, you still should! It’ll be good practice
Rose: We could say it at the same time?
Shane: That’s dumb
Rose: It’ll be fun! Come onnn. Count of three
Shane: How does that work over text?
Rose: Stop overthinking it!
Rose: 3
Rose: 2
Rose: 1
Shane: Ilya Rozanov
Rose: J.J. Boiziau
Shane: J.J.?
Rose: ROZANOV?
Rose: HOLY FUCK
Shane: You thought I was with J.J.?! Why?
Rose: I don’t know! You guys are good friends and he’s always wearing silk shirts
Shane: So is Ilya.
Rose: ILYA!!!
Rose: Okay. Wow. Fuck.
Rose: First of all, AMAZING pull
Shane: Thanks
Rose: Like…amazing. Are his abs real? Please say yes
Shane: Of course they’re real. Stop looking at them.
Rose: Not happening, my last two dates were busts and those abs are public domain
Rose: And lickable. So so lickable…
Shane: I know where you live, Landry
Rose: Anyways, I already thought it was complicated, but this is…
Shane: Yeah. I know.
Shane: It’s worth it though. I love him so much
Rose: Awwww!
Shane: You have to delete all of this
Rose: I will, but I need details first! Is the confident thing just an act or does his performance in bed live up to it?
Shane: Oh it lives up to it.
Rose: !!!
Shane: I feel like he put some sort of spell on me. I haven’t had his dick in 5 weeks and I think I’m losing my mind
Shane: When my mom set up a Rebok meeting in Boston last month so I could see him, I nearly cried
Rose: Ahhh Shane!!
Rose: I can't imagine that's JUST because of his dick
Shane: No no. I miss falling asleep with him. So much. And just spending all day together cooking and messing around...I never knew we could have that. It's strangely addictive
Rose: If literally anyone else was saying this, I'd kill them out of jealousy. But I'm SOO happy for you
Shane: Thanks. I'm just glad I get to see him today. Finally.
Shane: Yesterday, I was in a meeting with one of my sponsors and I zoned out thinking about his hands and I literally started drooling
Rose: STOOOP
Rose: Actually don’t stop. Please keep going
Shane: You’re supposed to give me advice on meeting his best friend
Rose: Cliff Marlow? Just start prepping now and you’ll be good. You could totally take two pegs
Shane: What? No. Not Cliff
Shane: It’s his best friend that he used to sleep with. She grew up with him. They’re really close
Rose: I wouldn’t worry about it! Have you seen your face? I’m sure she looks like a day old stale croissant next to you
Shane: Her name’s Svetlana Vetrova. I’ll wait for you to google
Rose: Oh…
Shane: Yeah
Rose: I don’t wanna freak you out, but if this was my boyfriend’s ex, I’d walk into the ocean
Shane: How helpful
Shane: She’s really great. She means a lot to him and I’m glad he has her. I’m just worried about how I’ll feel actually meeting her. Every time I see pictures of the two of them, I feel weirdly sick
Rose: That’s not weird, Shane. That’s just basic jealousy. It’s understandable
Shane: I’m not jealous
Shane: I just feel like I’m gonna throw up when I think of them having sex
Rose: …
Rose: You’re hearing this right?
Shane: Hearing what?
Shane: I think we’re losing sight of what really matters here
Rose: Like what? You getting dicked down?
Shane: Like do you find all Quebecois accents sexy? Or just J.J.’s?
Rose: ...I plead the fifth
Shane: I'm Canadian, that doesn't work on me
Shane: He's a good guy. And I know this isn't your type, but he's straight
Rose: I'm gonna message Rozanov on Instagram and ask him to check you extra hard tomorrow
Jane: Do you girls think I’m a jealous person?
Megan: Yes
Tia: Kind of?
Emmy: Mmm I mean you’re not Sasha levels of jealous?
Jane: Is that really the bar?
Katie: It’s a low bar
Caro: Lol no joke, Abi and I were at a bakery yesterday and I was like "Call me Sasha the way I’m jealous of your chocolate cake" (and then she shared with me like a saint)
Emmy: 😂
Jane: Haha
Jane: Megan, you think I’m jealous?
Megan: I feel like you’d piss on Ilya if you could
Abi: Technically, she could…
Emmy: Ew
Abi: Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it!
Tia: I think we all know too much about each other
Lana: Why do you ask?
Jane: No reason :)
Lana: Hmm...
Jane: A friend said I seem like a jealous person. And I’m not sure if I agree.
Katie: I feel like you’re jealous but not in a bitchy way? Like you don’t hate us for having slept with Ilya, but you do want us to know he’s yours
Jane: I really don’t care.
Megan: Really?
Jane: No.
Megan: If I tell you that one time I rode Ilya on my couch and came so hard I blacked out, how does that make you feel?
Caro: Lmao this is like horny psychology
Megan: I’m serious! How do you feel?
Jane: I feel nauseous, but that’s probably unrelated. I haven’t eaten enough today.
Abi: Okay but to play devil’s advocate, does ANYONE wanna hear that shit about their boyfriend?
Tia: Nope
Katie: Idk, two of my exes are dating and I don’t really care
Caro: But if one of those exes went after Lana?
Katie: Now why’d you have to call me out like that? 😭
Lana: 😘
Emmy: I think some level of jealousy is normal and healthy, Jane. I wouldn’t sweat it too much.
Jane: Okay…
Shane: Hi
Shane: I landed
Lily: I’m so hard right now
Shane: Stop. Aren’t you at practice?
Lily: Yup
Lily: Come to the locker room. I can fuck you in the showers like you have always dreamed of
Shane: I’m just going to your place
Lily: Noooo, come here
Lily: I will put you on your knees in front of my whole team. They won’t judge when they see how pretty you look with my cock in your mouth
Shane: You have to stop. Hayden’s trying to look at my phone
Lily: Sure. That’s why. Not because you are getting hard reading this
Shane: He’s very nosy
Lily: Okay. I can just talk about how I will suck your dick tonight
Shane: Sounds good
Lily: Mmm talk dirty to meeee
Shane: Shut up
Lily: Just like thatttt
Lily: Ugh do I really have to wait HOURS to hear you whimper?
Shane: I don’t whimper
Lily: 😂
Shane: 😡
Shane: I’m about to get in the cab to your place. Code’s the same?
Lily: Same as the last three times I told you, yes
Shane: I still think 8118 is a terrible code
Lily: Or is it so obvious no one would guess it?
Shane: No
Lily: Did you wear that plug?
Shane: No. I couldn’t find a conclusive answer on the health effects of flying with one and figured it wasn’t worth the risk.
Lily: Good. I want to stretch you out until you are begging for me
Shane: Fuck
Shane: Do we have time for that before Svetlana comes over?
Lily: Do I have time to fuck my boyfriend who comes in 3 seconds? I think so, yes
Shane: I hate you
Lily: 😘
Svetlana: Hello? Answer your fucking door
Svetlana: I’m letting myself in
Svetlana: Seriously? This dinner has been scheduled for weeks, Ilyusha! You couldn’t wait until after to get laid?
Svetlana: I’m drinking your vodka. The nice shit you pretend you don’t have. You owe me.
Lana: I expected this from our boy, but not from you
Lana: Oh who I am I kidding? I should have expected it from you
Lana: I’m not at all surprised by how loud you are
Lana: Maybe it’s because you’re moaning it, but you pronounce his name weirdly
Lana: Wow you whimper a lot
Lana: Okay, he’s good, but he’s not THAT good. Come on
Shane: I’m SO sorry. We lost track of time. He’s coming downstairs now. I just need a minute
Lana: Uh huh. Sure sounds like it
Shane: I don’t whimper
Lana: Keep telling yourself that
Lana: Will you stop glaring at me?
Shane: immnot glaring
Lana: Wow you're bad at texting under the table
Lana: I touched his arm for two seconds!
Shane: ok
Lana: I promise I’m not after your man 🙄 settle down
Shane: imsettled
Shane: you guyss just tlook very pretty together
Lana: Of course we do. You do too stupid. He's compatible with hot people
Lana: Relax. Have more wine
Shane: ok
Shane: fuck
Shane: dou think he noticed?
Lana: ?? Noticed what? You getting all red and horny when he bent over?
Shane: what? No
Shane: i mentioned sasha
Lana: So? I don’t think he cares you were trying to be included in the conversation
Shane: but hes never said his name before
Shane: just “my coaches son”
Lana: Fuck
Lana: I don’t think he noticed. He’s too happy
Shane: he is really happy huh? :)
Shane: im so glad your here!!!
Lana: Alright, lay off the wine
Shane: I think hes noticed somethings off
Lily: What?
Shane: sorry! Meant to send that to Hayden!
Shane: His son has noticed hes been playing badly lately
Lily: Hilarious 😂
Lily: He is so bad at hockey even babies notice 😂
Shane: Stop
Lily: Why are you texting Hayden? Are you okay? Do you hate Sveta?
Shane: No! I like her. Just worried about Hayden :)
Lily: Okay…
Lily: I promise I will remind you who I belong to as soon as she leaves
Shane: Yay :)
Jane: I think hes noticed somethings off
Lana: Yeah, probably because you’re really obvious when you text
Jane: Oops
Lana: It’s fine. He’s like a puppy. He keeps looking back and forth like he can’t believe we’re in the same room
Jane: I know. Its cute right?
Jane: He’s soooo cute…
Lana: You guys are nauseating
Katie: Uh…hi?
Megan: idk what’s happening, but it’s adorable
Lana: You texted the group chat?!
Jane: Oops. You told me not to look army phone!!
Lana: You’re hopeless
Abi: Are you guys together right now?!
Lana: Yes. We’re getting dinner with Ilya.
Katie: Omg!!!
Megan: What?! Fun!
Caro: Where’s our invite?!
Jane: Sorry
Emmy: What do you mean he’s noticed something off though?!
Tia: 👀
Lana: Nothing. Jane is just paranoid, right?
Jane: Right.
Lana: Okay, now I think he’s noticed us texting. Quick, kiss him as a distraction
Jane: 👍
Abi: Did it work?
Lana: Too well…I think they forgot I'm here
Jane: :)
Ilya: Thank you for coming. Having you both in one place meant a lot to me
Svetlana: Of course
Ilya: You like him, right?
Svetlana: I do
Ilya: Really?
Svetlana: I wouldn’t lie. He’s good for you
Ilya: He’s the best
Ilya: Let’s do this again soon
Svetlana: Sure. That would be nice, I just assumed you’d be busy the next time he’s in town
Ilya: Of course I will be. I meant you can introduce me to your person
Svetlana: There’s no one
Ilya: I saw you smiling at your phone AGAIN during dessert
Svetlana: Fine. There’s someone.
Svetlana: But it’s not serious
Ilya: Why not?
Svetlana: I don’t know. I’ve never seriously dated someone and I don’t know if I want to start now
Ilya: Even though you really like them?
Svetlana: Ugh. You’re doing the thing
Ilya: What thing?
Svetlana: The thing where a reformed slut tries to push monogamy on everyone around them! Remember those 3 months Sasha was shacked up with a French guy and kept trying to marry us off?
Ilya: Ew that was so annoying. I’m glad I fucked the French guy in that club bathroom 😂
Svetlana: You DID?
Ilya: Oops. I thought you knew that
Ilya: Anyways, this isn’t like that. I see the way you get texting them. You seem really happy. Don’t deny yourself that. It’s never worth it
Svetlana: Gross. He’s turned you into a sap
Ilya: If you experienced his hole, you’d understand
Ilya: You should use my seats and bring them to the game tomorrow. If they like hockey
Svetlana: Of course she likes hockey
Ilya: She? 👀✂️🤔
Svetlana: Yes. She.
Ilya: 🏳️🌈🎉🕺
Svetlana: Actually, there's something you should know. Apparently she's slept with you before...
Ilya: WHAT?
Ilya: Just because I'm off the market doesn't mean you can take my sloppy seconds
Svetlana: It absolutely does mean that. If I ruled out women you’ve slept with, I’d have to go to New Hampshire to get laid
Ilya: Who is she?
Svetlana: Like you remember anyone you sleep with
Ilya: I'm just going to annoy you until you tell me
Svetlana: Ugh
Svetlana: Katie
Ilya: Which Katie? Katie from Brookline who's into anal? Or lesbian Katie with the french bulldog?
Svetlana: Lesbian Katie
Ilya: AHHHHH!!! Sveta, you must marry her! I miss that dog so much!
Svetlana: I'm not going to marry someone so you can hang out with their dog?
Ilya: Fine, marry her because she's funny and smart enough to keep up with you
Ilya: And also because Noodle misses his Uncle Ilya
Svetlana: Doesn't that imply you're Katie's brother?
Ilya: Shut up and get your girl
Lana: Hi
Katie: Ahh hi! I hope I didn’t do too much with my emojis in the group chat
Lana: No no, they were perfect 😂 I wanted to ask if you’d like to go on a date soon? Maybe we could go see Ilya play tomorrow? To be honest, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’m not sure what that would look like for me, but I’d like to figure it out with you
Katie: I’d like that too! ❤️ And it doesn’t have to work any type of way. I’ve been in open and monogamous relationships, we can take it slow and figure out what works for us
Lana: That sounds nice
Katie: I'd love to go to the game with you. Maybe after I can buy you dinner and we can chat more? ☺️
Lana: Great. And we don’t have to go too slow. If you want more 💥💥💥💥
Katie: Believe me, I want
Shane: Hi. I just wanted to apologize for some of the weirdness at dinner. It was an adjustment seeing him intimate with someone else, but I really did enjoy meeting you and I’m happy he has you.
Lana: How many drafts of this did you go through before sending it?
Shane: Rude
Shane: Only 3
Lana: 😂
Lana: I liked meeting you too. Even if you’re a possessive weirdo and I know you staked your claim the second I was gone
Shane: Maybe…In fairness, he did too.
Shane: Also, I’m sorry you had to hear us. I really am mortified.
Lana: Oh it’s fine. If anything, I’m just offended. I heard a lot of new grunts from our boy
Lana: Also did he say he loves you when he came? Or did I imagine that
Shane: He probably did
Lana: He's obsessed with you, you know. I've never seen him like this
Shane: Oh. I feel the same.
Lana: Believe me, that's obvious
Shane: So what’s going on with you and Katie? Do you think you’ll see her again? I heard that there’s someone you’re not letting yourself get serious with…
Lana: Ugh he’s such a gossip. We’re going on a date tomorrow to see you guys play.
Shane: Oh cool. I wish I could meet her.
Lana: Eh, you will be too busy running home to fuck after
Shane: Probably. I'm sure you will too
Lana: Obviously. Watching Montreal lose will be such a turn on
Shane: Oh fuck off
Shane: But really, are you hoping to get serious with her?
Lana: I'm not sure. I told her I’m not big on relationships and we’re going to talk through what we want together and take it slow
Shane: Wow. That sounds really healthy.
Lana: Yes. Not all of us need 7 years to have an honest conversation
Shane: 🖕
Lana: 😂❤️
Chapter End Notes
We will be time jumping over the date, sorryyyy! Rest assured, it's just fluffy flirting and healthy communication while Shane and Ilya check each other as foreplay
Shoutout to trickysnail whose tumblr comment inspired me to sneak in a mention of Ilya adoring Katie's dog :)
Next up: Ilya’s moving to Ottawa? And starting a charity with Shane Hollander? (for real this time)
Chapter 10: welcome to Ottawa
Chapter Summary
Ilya signs with Ottawa, Shane comes out to his team, and the Irina Foundation is launched
Chapter Notes
Okay! Lots of ground to cover here so buckle up. Two line breaks indicate a small time jump
This takes place about a year after the last chapter. In canon, nothing really happens during this year, so the only real change is that Sveta and Katie are now seriously dating
Megan: Hey Jane, what’s your last name?
Jane: I don’t feel comfortable sharing that. Sorry.
Megan: That’s fine, I can make one up
Megan: JANE DOE I AM IN YOUR WALLS. I AM GOING TO CRACK YOUR FRIDGE OPEN EVERY NIGHT SO ALL YOUR FOOD GETS MOLDY. I AM GOING TO LEAVE A ROTTEN FISH SO DEEP IN YOUR ATTIC YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT AND ALWAYS WONDER ABOUT THE SMELL. I AM YOUR GHOST AND I WILL HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU TAKE YOUR LAST RAGGED BREATH
Tia: What the fuck did I just virtually walk into? 😭
Caro: idk?? I think Megan was possessed by Sasha
Megan: HAHAH. HAHAHAH
Emmy: aFUCK FUCK F CUK FUCK
Emmy: ILLTKS SINGED WIDDTH FICKCKING LTTTAWA
Jane: Ah
Megan changed the group chat name to Jane Hate Club
Emmy: Okay, let’s keep it civil while we freak out
Emmy changed the group chat name to FUUUUCK
Caro: Literally what is going on? Did Jane set your houses on fire?
Megan: Emmy I need you to do it. If I type it out, I’ll actually literally vomit
Emmy: Ugh
Emmy: Ilya signed with fucking Ottawa
Caro: Oh. I thought something bad happened
Megan: HAHAHAHA
Katie: He WHAT?
Tia: Oh FUCK yes!!! One less team keeping Philly from the playoffs, LET’S GOOOO
Emmy: Respectfully, you know damn well you’re still not making the playoffs
Tia: At least we didn’t just lose our star center 😘
Emmy: Yeah because you don’t have one?
Tia: Rude and uncalled for
Megan: It was ABSOLUTELY called for
Abi: HELLO I’m here for the funeral 🖤
Abi: Just got off a long ass call with my dad. I’ve never heard him curse that much. And that’s saying a lot, he’s from Boston
Abi: “Why the fuck would this fuckass leave fucking Boston for fucking Ottawa?” and I’m sitting here thinking …for a tight fucking pussy
Jane: Okay I’d be pissed if I were you too. But if you could not tell people about us, I would really really appreciate it. We’re still keeping our relationship private.
Lana: She’s being nice. If you tell anyone, I will burn your clits off
Emmy: Ew wtf
Abi: Now why our clits? 😭 take literally any other body part instead, damn
Megan: Obviously we won’t tell. But like…he did do this for you, right?
Jane: Maybe.
Megan: What the fuck is in your tits? Do you lactate gold? Is your tongue ten feet long?
Katie: Wait baby did you already know about this?!
Lana: Yes 😢 Sorry I couldn’t tell you, I was sworn to secrecy. I will make it up to you tonight 😏💥
Katie: Yeah you fucking will
Megan: Ugh stop distracting us with your hotness. This is insane. Ottawa? OTTAWA?
Tia: Yeah that part is getting me. Like not even Montreal…
Abi: Lmao of course not. Can you imagine him and Hollander on the same team? What a shitshow 😂
Emmy: An expensive shitshow…
Jane: Haha. Yeah.
Tia: Are you really not gonna go public with your relationship at all? I just went online and the rumors for why he did this are vicious…
Emmy: Yeah Rozy’s whores is on fire. I may or may not have rejoined just to watch it burn
Katie: OMG I haven’t checked. Okay there goes my whole day, I’m not gonna be able to stop lurking
Jane: What are they saying?
Emmy: Speculating if he has a girl. Two women from Ottawa claim they’re pregnant with his children. Others are convinced he’s evading some sort of crime in America
Tia: Yeah, the crime of not railing Jane every night
Jane: People are always gonna say stupid stuff. We’ll just ignore it I guess.
Megan: This is fucking insane. I’m sorry but why couldn’t a Boston girl have locked him down?
Katie: Some of us Boston girls are too busy railing other Boston girls 🙏
Lana: 🤣😘
Megan: Abi? Caro? What’s your excuse?
Abi: I don’t think he was gonna fall in love from one threesome. And honestly, if he was, it would probably be with Cliff
Jane: It would?
Abi: I’m kidding lol
Caro: I’d be an awful WAG. I didn’t even know what the fuck a WAG was til you guys told me
Megan: I’d be a great WAG, I’d move to Boston for him
Emmy: Megan, don’t be a bitch
Megan: Sorry. I need to nap. And get laid probably
Caro: Definitely**
Jane: I couldn’t move because of a work commitment. Sorry.
Abi: Okay but tell us honestly, is this part of a long term plan to revive your favorite team? Are you a reverse puck bunny?
Jane: Lol no. You know I'm a Montreal fan.
Megan: I think we all actively repress that knowledge
Katie: Yup
Lana: She just thinks Hollander is hot
Abi: Well yeah, we all do, but Montreal still sucks
Abi: Hey, I know what will cheer us up! Say it with me…FUCK MONTREAL
Emmy: Yeah, fuck Montreal
Megan: Ugh I’m not in the mood. It’s fuck Ottawa now
Katie: Yeah, FUCK OTTAWA
Jane: Maybe it should be fuck Boston for being so weak without him
Abi changed the group chat name to Jane Strong Dislike Club
Abi: Is that allowed?
Lana: No
Lana changed the group chat name to Jane Fan Club
Lana: Come on. Why are we blaming a woman for a man’s shitty decision?
Megan: Ugh you’re so right. FUCK ILYA ROZANOV
Abi: FUCK ILYA ROZANOV
Caro: FUCK ILYA ROZANOV
Jane: Et tu Caro?
Caro: I just wanna be included 😭
Emmy: FUCK ILYA ROZANOV
Jane: On it 👍
Megan: WAIT THAT WAS NOT AN ORDER
Lana: Come on, you know she’s a sub
Lana: How is he?
Lana: Is he okay?
Lana: I hope you’re both just staying off your phones and avoiding the nonsense online
Lana: It will die down with time
Shane: yes
Shane: hes good 👎
Shane: sorry 👍
Lana: ??
Shane: :)
Shane: u dont have to worry cbt anythign
Lana: You’re being weird
Lana: Are you drunk?
Lana: Wait
Lana: Are you having sex right now?
Shane: no
Shane: hes just warming my dick a lil
Lana: Seriously?
Shane: what? Its keeping him distracted!
Lana: Well stop texting me!
Shane: yu seemd worried!
Shane: dsppddwe
Shane: Sorry about that. I just felt bad leaving you hanging. Yes, he’s okay and staying off his phone.
Lana: Wow really? It only took you 2 minutes to come?
Shane: Fuck off
Lana: Thanks for keeping an eye on him. I think Canada will be good for him.
Shane: I really really hope so
Yuna: Hi boys! I know Shane said you needed your space today, but we wanted to reach out to congratulate you on officially becoming a Centaur!
Ilya: Thank you Yuna ☺️
Yuna: Why are you on your phone? You shouldn’t be seeing this. We agreed to a 24 hour media blackout for your sanity
Shane: Seriously Mom? You’re testing him?
Yuna: I’m just worried!
Ilya: I am staying off social media but I have a lot of texts to answer from friends, teammates. And from my new neighbors 😉
David: Aww that’s us!
Yuna: Okay but really how are you feeling?
Ilya: Everyone keeps asking me this like I am sick and not about to save another hockey team
Ilya: I’m good. Excited. Happy to be with Shane 🕺❤️🎉
Yuna: Good
David: We’re glad to hear it kiddo! We have a gift for you, should we drop it off tonight or hold onto it?
Ilya: A gift? For me? You really don't have to
David: Nonsense! It’s something small
David: I just got this picture framed for you. We wanted to show you that you’re not the first bear Shane’s turned into a Centaur. So don't get a big head!
David: [image attached, tap to download]
Ilya: DAVID
Ilya: 😭😭😭😩😩😩❤️❤️❤️
Ilya: Best gift EVER!!!
Shane: Seriously dad?
Ilya: How old is he here?! 🥺
David: Maybe 4? We caught him trying to color a centaurs jersey on his teddy bear with crayon so we had to buy him one!
Ilya: SO SO SO CUTE 😭
Ilya: Thank you David!!!
David: Of course!
Shane: What are you even going to do with a framed photo of me?
Ilya: Hang it above my fireplace of course
Shane: What if you have teammates over?
Ilya: They will say “Who is this adorable boy?” and I will say “That’s my good friend and charity co-runner Shane Hollander”
Yuna: With your sense of humor, I’m not sure anyone would question it
Ilya: Exactly!
Shane: Ilya. You can’t.
Ilya: I’m kidding. I will keep it in my bedroom. Thank you David.
David: 😊❤️
Emmy: Did you guys see the picture Marlow posted on his insta story?
Megan: Omg yesss 😭 He seems as torn up as we are! Poor guy
Abi: I guess you really get to know a guy when you jack him off 😔
Jane: He jacked Ilya off?
Abi: Just a few strokes
Megan: Yum
Katie: Oh yeah, classic bro behavior
Abi: At one point, Cliff did turn to him and shout “BROOO WE WON THE CUP” and Ilya said “BROOOO” and then Cliff motorboated me
Jane: Huh...
Tia: Good lord
Lana: 😂
Katie: That's your husband Jane!
Jane: Lol we’re not married
Lana: Yet 👀
Jane: Stop
Caro: I mean he moved countries for you and you live together. That’s close enough
Jane: We don’t live together actually
Megan: Wait really?
Jane: No.
Jane: Is that weird?
Tia: No, maybe just surprising?
Jane: He’ll be in Ottawa and I work a few hours from there.
Emmy: Aww! You can’t live at the halfway point together?
Jane: That would be too much of a commute. Hockey is such an intense job.
Jane: For Ilya I mean.
Megan: Yeah and it’ll be even more brutal when he’s getting his ass kicked all the time
Jane: He won’t be!
Abi: 😂
Emmy: 😂
Megan: 😂
Caro: 😂
Jane: Again Caro?
Caro: I’m very susceptible to peer pressure. Someone told me once that I’d be a perfect candidate for scientology
Megan: No kidding
Shane: Okay. It’s happening. I’m doing it.
Lily: You are going to do AMAZING sweetheart!
Lily: They are going to say “He is the second best at hockey AND he deep throats dick? What can’t this stunning man do?!”
Shane: Best**
Shane: And I really don’t think they’ll say that
Lily: They would if you went with my coming out speech
Shane: I’m not going to tell an NHL locker room that my boyfriend fucks me even harder than he “fucks” them on the ice
Lily: Why not? I thought you were tired of lying
Shane: Okay but seriously…
Lily: Seriously it will be fine
Lily: Some of them might be weird but fuck them
Shane: Do you think Hayden will be okay with it? And J.J.?
Shane: Like I don’t expect the rookies to be jumping for joy but I genuinely don’t know what I’ll do if Hayden isn’t okay with it
Shane: Fuck what if our passes stop connecting?
Lily: Shane. Breathe.
Lily: Pike is annoying but he loves you. Maybe too much.
Lily: And Boiziau loves the gays. Remember he got in trouble for mocking America for being late on gay marriage?
Shane: Right. Okay yeah. I’m doing it. I’m going to do it. I will do it.
Lily: You will my brave boy ❤️
Jane: Hi
Tia: Hi Jane!
Caro: Heeeey
Jane: I have a big day at work today and could use some words of support.
Jane: Sorry that’s vague.
Jane: I’m just freaking the fuck out I think.
Emmy: Aww Jane!! You’ve got this. Whatever this is!
Tia: You’re gonna kick work’s ass!!
Jane: Thanks.
Jane: It’s less of a work thing though I guess. More like a coworker thing.
Katie: You sound like me when I was coming out to my coworkers lol
Jane: Oh haha.
Jane: It’s not that. Something else. Unrelated.
Katie: Right of course! Well I hope it goes well. I think the anticipation is always the worst part, right?
Caro: ^^ yeah in my experience, things like this are way worse in your head
Jane: That’s true
Lana: We will get revenge if it all goes wrong. My chainsaw is ready.
Jane: Please don’t
Katie: Unfortunately she can’t be stopped
Abi: Fortunately**
Jane: Lol
Jane: Thanks girls
Emmy: Of course!
Megan: WELL GUESS WHO’S GETTING DICKED DOWN TONGIHTTTT
Megan: Oh FUCK sorry my wifi is spotty, I didn’t see these. GOOD LUCK JANE!!
Jane: Haha you’re fine. Honestly, the distraction would be nice. Who’s dicking you down?
Katie: Say Shane Hollander poster guy and we riot
Megan: No no, that wouldn't warrant an announcement. Also we can’t call him that anymore, he got rid of his poster!
Jane: He did? Why?
Tia: Megan probably complained too much
Megan: NOT TRUE
Megan: Kinda true
Megan: Okay but actually, he was cagey when I asked why but I finally got him drunk enough and he confessed that there's this other girl he hooks up with regularly and he noticed she only came when she was staring at the poster
Katie: STOP
Abi: 😂 she's real for that
Megan: I actually died
Emmy: Lmaooo
Jane: Wow.
Lana: Can you blame her?
Megan: Yes
Abi: One day we will get you to admit that Shane Hollander is fuckable
Megan: I mean sure. But I wouldn’t let him fuck me.
Caro: Bullshit
Megan: You don’t even know who Hollander IS
Caro: Not true! I’ve followed him on Instagram since you guys talked about him a few years ago! Those underwear ads 🥵
Lana: I know right? Unreal
Abi: Uh ohhh Katie, he’s coming for your girl!
Katie: I’m not threatened
Emmy: Why? Because you think he’s in love with Rozanov or whatever?
Katie: Lol no. I just know he can’t fuck her like I can
Abi: Oh hell yeaaaa
Lana: Hmm probably not
Katie: Actually I did see a thread of someone theorizing that he’s in love with J.J. Boiziau which made more sense to me
Jane: It did? How?
Katie: Vibes
Lana: We are getting off topic. Megan, who is dicking you down?
Megan: Oh!
Megan: Well it’s more like a manifestation…buuuut Boston’s in Nashville tonight…
Emmy: 👀 MARLOW?
Lana: 👀
Tia: 👀
Abi: ARE WE ABOUT TO BE DOUBLE DICK SISTERS?
Megan: I HOPE SOOOO
Jane: Nice
Megan: Has Ilya talked about if Marlow is dating anyone?
Jane: I think he has someone he's sort of on and off with. Off right now though I’m pretty sure.
Megan: 🤞 fingers so crossed I get fingered
Abi: Yessss
Jane: Okay fuck I have to go to work. Good luck Megan.
Megan: Lol your thing sounds much more important. GOOD LUCK JANE
Lily: How did it go? Do I need to murder anyone? Sveta has a chainsaw I can borrow
Shane: I don’t think so?
Shane: It went okay. They were surprised more than anything.
Shane: Hayden and J.J. were chill though. J.J.’s already trying to set me up with someone haha
Lily: WHAT?
Lily: Okay I will go get the chainsaw 😡
Shane: I think that’s a good sign though, right?
Lily: A good sign that I need to kill them both!!!
Shane: What did Hayden do?
Lily: Exist.
Shane: Oh please
Shane: Hayden was good. Awkward but good. He said something about how he loves Macklemore? I don't know what that means but I think it was nice
Lily: Good.
Lily: And the rest of your team?
Shane: They were just a bit caught off guard. They’re fine.
Lily: Sweetheart...
Shane: I promise I’m okay.
Shane: And worst comes to worst, you’re not the only person who will commit murder for me
Lily: What does that mean? Who else is obsessed with you?
Shane: Oh I meant my mom
Lily: Yes of course. We can kill them together
Shane: And Rose
Lily: Now you just want to piss me off
Shane: No.
Lily: Yes
Lily: You like that I would burn the whole world down for you. Makes you hard.
Shane: No
Shane: Maybe
Shane: FaceTime?
Lily: Obviously
Megan: Jane, how did your work thing go yesterday?
Jane: It went well all things considered.
Abi: Cryptic. But yay!
Emmy: Nice!!
Caro: Lol Jane I aspire to be as cool and mysterious as you
Jane: Haha I don’t think I’m mysterious
Jane: How did it go with Marlow, Megan?
Emmy: 👀
Megan: Wellll
Megan: [image attached, tap to download]
Abi: AHHH!!!
Caro: Yesss. Damn he’s hot! Are all hockey players hot?
Jane: No
Lana: Absolutely not
Tia: You’ve been with 4 of the Bears now right?
Megan: This makes 5 actually 🫣 and Connors recognized me, it was so awkward
Abi: Oh nooo
Jane: Really? Ilya once said he’s less intelligent than a potato
Emmy: Damn that’s cold
Megan: Well that mashed potato recognized my tits. Cliff thought it was funny though
Emmy: Ooh okay first name basis!!
Caro: Wait this is who you had your threesome with, right Abi?
Abi: Yeah!!
Caro: Okay so now you both have to answer…which one’s better?
Lana: Ooh
Emmy: Lol everyone place your bets
Jane: It has to be Ilya.
Katie: lmao you would say that
Megan: Actually…
Emmy: NO WAY
Caro: HAS ILYA BEEN DETHRONED?
Megan: Okay Ilya was good. Obviously. But also just a little…distracted at times?
Jane: Really?
Megan: Yeah idk. Also Cliff is…so big
Abi: omg I KNOW
Jane: How big?
Megan: Like probably actually 9 inches
Abi: I thought it was more like 11
Tia: ELEVEN?
Emmy: I would actually die omfg
Caro: ELEVENNNN?
Megan: I think you’re just bad at math Abi
Abi: Yeah probably 😭 idk it felt HUGE
Megan: It is. But he actually knows what to do with it ya know?
Abi: Yeah, totally
Jane: So does Ilya.
Katie: I’m obsessed with how defensive you are
Abi: If it helps, I think Ilya wins my vote by a small margin. I liked how firm he was when he fucked me.
Jane: That does not help.
Emmy: 😂
Rose: Today’s the daaaay! How are you feeling Mr. Charity Bigshot?
Shane: Nauseous mostly
Rose: Aww, come on, it’s exciting!!
Shane: I guess
Shane: I’m just not sure I know how to act friendly with him
Rose: Sort of how you already act but with less ripping each other’s clothes off
Shane: Uh huh
Rose: Acting is simple! Just take deep breaths and pretend to be someone who doesn’t really really want to rip his clothes off
Shane: Will you stop mentioning ripping my boyfriend’s clothes off?
Rose: No, it’s a nice mental image
Shane: You need to get laid
Rose: I’m fine!
Shane: I told you, I can give you J.J.’s number
Rose: And I told you the press will be weird as fuck if I’m spotted with your best friend
Shane: So?
Rose: Can we get back to you being best charitable bros with Ilya Rozanov?
Shane: Ugh fine
Shane: I don’t know. I just think it was easier in a way to pretend to hate him? How am I supposed to smile at him and not look like I want to marry him and have a bunch of freckled babies with curly hair?
Rose: I appreciate the implication that you can have biological children
Shane: We're giving it our best effort. We’ll make it happen eventually.
Rose: Lolll
Rose: I think it’ll be okay. People won't know that that love is even there to look for, you know?
Shane: I hope you're right...
Rose: I am. Try to find some time to get railed today, will you? You seem really pent up
Shane: Takes one to know one
Rose: Has anyone ever told you that it's really obvious you're an only child?
Emmy: Ooh did you guys see this?
Emmy: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov Announce Charity Foundation
Abi: HUHHH??
Megan: What the hell is this? The twilight zone?
Caro: omg the hot guy! I can’t bear the hotness of both of them in one room 😩
Emmy: You guys should watch the video. They’re doing something really important here
Lana: Yes. This is very dear to Ilya. I’m so proud of him.
Jane: Yeah he’s been excited about this project. Very cool.
Tia: I just watched and I got choked up. I knew about his dad but not about his mom
Abi: Yeah, same. That’s so awful
Caro: okay I feel bad for focusing on the hotness lol I just watched. What an amazing organization! Our secret nice guy strikes again
Tia: Not so secret anymore!
Katie: Huh
Katie: You know what’s so interesting?
Katie: Jane rhymes with Shane. And you’re both athletic Asian Canadian models who live a few hours from Ottawa…
Jane: What a weird coincidence. Funny. :)
Katie: You know what’s actually weird? That money you sent me came from some other woman’s name, with just a note saying it was from “Jane”. I didn’t want to question it because why would I question $20k? But I just looked her up and did some digging and her LinkedIn says she’s the personal assistant for a professional athlete?
Jane: Katie please
Jane: You can’t tell anyone. Please please don't tell anyone.
Katie: Am I right though? Like actually?
Jane: I think you know the answer to that.
Katie: You’re Shane Hollander.
Katie: Not his twin whose name rhymes with his. You’re actually him.
Jane: Why would twins have rhyming names?
Katie: I don’t know!! I'm in shock here!
Katie: Holy FUUUCK!!!
Jane: I can transfer you more money. 50k, 500k, whatever you need. Just please don’t tell anyone.
Katie: Whoa relax, I’m not trying to extort you? Of course I won’t tell. I’d rather walk barefoot on broken glass than out someone, okay? Even if that someone plays for Montreal
Katie: I won’t tell a soul, I promise. Not even Sveta.
Jane: Oh she already knows
Katie: WHAT?
Katie: Since when? Did she figure it out from this too?
Jane: Since 2017
Katie: WHAHT
Katie: WAIT is that why you both kept insisting he was straight?!
Jane: Yeah. Sorry about that.
Katie: Wow. Wowowowow
Katie: It’s fine, you gotta do what you gotta do to stay in the closet. I probably shouldn’t have speculated in the first place. But wow. WOW!!
Katie: This is so…!!!
Katie: I can’t believe Sveta KNOWS
Katie: Idk what’s a bigger red flag, how good she is at keeping secrets or the fact that I find that kinda hot
Jane: Lol. She was just being a good friend.
Katie: She’s the best 🥺
Katie: Who else knows? Anyone?
Jane: Really not many people. Just my parents and my friends Rose and Hayden. Hayden only recently found out.
Katie: ROSE LANDRY?
Jane: Yes.
Katie: Wait Hayden Pike?
Jane: Yes.
Katie: Oh holy shit. Okay. Wow.
Katie: I won’t say a word but one day when you’re out and proud, can you be sure to tell the whole world that I’m a genius who’s always right?
Jane: Sure. I’ll make note of that for when we retire.
Katie: You’re waiting until retirement to come out? Won't you be like forty?
Jane: Yes.
Katie: Oh Jane
Katie: I’m sorry. That’s so fucking hard.
Jane: It’s fine. It’s worth it.
Katie: It can be worth it and still be hard.
Katie: I’m here if you need another person to talk to, okay? Any time
Jane: Thank you
Jane: You don’t think it’s weird, do you?
Katie: Weird?
Jane: That I’m gay. That we’re together. I know it’s a lot to process…
Katie: I saw the way you looked at each other in that press conference. The only weird thing is that no one else sees it
Katie: SHANE HOLLANDER?
Lana: Yes, I know it’s crazy, but the foundation is for a good cause
Katie: Baby. I know.
Lana: You know it’s for a good cause?
Katie: I know about them
Lana: Who?
Katie: I know Shane is Jane
Lana: ??
Katie: He confirmed it for me, you don’t have to play dumb!
Katie: [screenshot attached, tap to download]
Katie: I’ll delete this, I just know you won’t break without proof lmao
Lana: Fuck
Lana: It was those damn heart eyes, huh?
Katie: Yeah. Dead giveaway
Katie: Don’t worry, I think the rest of the group is too straight to connect the dots
Lana: They’re also not sexy geniuses
Katie: Oh stop. I figured it out YEARS after you
Lana: You’re still my smart girl
Katie: 😊
Katie: Come over tonight?
Lana: Obviously
Megan: Random but where do you guys shop for underwear?
Megan: Like the comfy shit you’d never let someone you’re fucking see
Abi: I like Aerie
Tia: Me too!!
Katie: Honestly I got 12 packs from Walmart the last time I was visiting my parents lmao
Megan: So fair
Megan: I ask because I got some new underwear from TJ Maxx but I hate the waistband. It's weirdly itchy?
Caro: Ugh that sucks
Jane: Who are you women?
Abi: What?
Megan: Did Ilya fuck you so hard that you’re suffering memory loss?
Emmy: God that's a real possibility
Jane: Excuse me?
Jane: Who is this? Why are you texting my Jane about underwear?
Katie: Wait. Ilya?
Jane: Maybe.
Emmy: FUCK
Chapter End Notes
A HEADS UP: The next chapter will open with a non-texting scene
So next up: Ilya has many, many questions
In the meantime, I'm on threads at gurls_rool and on tumblr at gurlsrool
Chapter 11: Rozanov + Roster
Chapter Summary
Emmy: Drum roll pleaaase
Caro: 🥁🥁🥁
Emmy added Ilya to the chat
Ilya: HELLO LADIES!!! 😄🎉💃
Chapter Notes
I hope you know the drill by now! Italicized texts are in Russian.
Ilya stares at the phone, sure that if he stops for even just a second, it’ll disappear.
It has to, right? This is a figment of his imagination. His boyfriend, his beautiful, clever, wonderful, gay boyfriend who he just moved countries for can’t have…a harem. Can he?
No. No, this is a hallucination. It’s God’s punishment for snooping on his boyfriend’s phone.
In his defense, he didn’t plan to. Shane left to take a shower by himself with some absurd explanation of needing to “actually get clean”.
His phone kept fucking buzzing. Ilya assumed it was Pike, the clingy bastard, so he grabbed it to fuck with him and instead found…this. Whatever this is.
It doesn’t make sense. Is it a fan club? The group chat title is literally Jane Fan Club, but it’s not like they’re actually his fans. Are they? They could be puck bunnies.
Oh God. He’s going to throw up. He knows Shane. Or, he thought he did. He knows how he breathes when he’s half asleep, the shape of his freckles on his left knee, the tiny whimper he lets out before he comes.
He knows him. This isn’t Shane. Shane wouldn’t…Shane doesn’t like women. Shane cowers in the face of women. He looked at Sveta’s tits exactly zero times when they met, which really was astounding. Ilya’s pretty sure even Lance Bass would check out her tits.
Shane’s gay. He’s gay. He’s not planning an orgy with these women. Although…
Maybe these aren’t women after all. Maybe they’re nicknames. Jane isn’t a real name. Neither is Lily. It could be a group of men. A group of men talking about underwear. A group of men joking about Shane’s sex life with Ilya, which these men somehow know about.
Ilya’s considering grabbing a trash can to hurl into when the bathroom door opens.
“Hey.” Shane’s still damp from the shower, a towel slung low around his waist. Way, way too low. Ugh. How dare he use his body against Ilya right now? He needs to think clearly.
“Shane,” Ilya forces himself to say firmly. He’ll ask. He’s going to ask normally, calmly.
“What? Did my mom call again? I told her I’ll call her later. I’m not done with you yet.” In a move of psychological warfare, Shane takes his towel off. Ilya swallows.
He’s not succeeding on the thinking clearly front. Of course he’s not. All he can manage is to blurt out, “Why do you have a harem of women?”
Shane blinks. “Uh…what?”
“The Jane fan club.” Ilya waves the phone, not even pretending he wasn’t snooping. That’s such a minor offense compared to this. “They’re all talking about panties. What the fuck is this?”
“Oh God.” In a move that only makes Ilya feel worse, Shane lunges for the phone. Ilya holds it above his head and Shane ends up on top of him, wrestling him for it. Ilya keeps his grip tight, flipping them until he’s on top of him. “It’s not what you think.”
“I don’t know what to think!” Ilya pulls back, sits on the other side of the bed. If he stays on top of Shane, he’ll do something stupid like kiss him and fuck him and pretend this never happened. “Who are these women?”
“They’re…um. Did the names seem familiar to you?”
“Names?”
“Of the women. I don’t know how much you saw, but…” Shane’s blushing. His eyes are downcast, like they were that time on FaceTime when he came without Ilya’s permission. Why does he look so guilty? What the fuck did he do?
“They are men, aren’t they?” Ilya whispers. “Emmy is Emmett. And Caro is Carl. Fuck, Shane. You have group sex with them?”
“No! No, they’re women, I swear,” Shane says frantically. “They’re friends. They’re just my friends.”
“Your friends.” Ilya blinks. “You don’t have friends.”
“Yes I do.”
“You have teammates and an ex-girlfriend,” Ilya says far too cruelly, considering his friends are all teammates and ex-hookups.
“And I have…them.”
“Your fans,” Ilya snarls.
“They’re not fans! The group chat name is a joke.” Shane takes a deep breath. “Look. Emmy. Megan. Abi. Do these names ring a bell to you?”
“No.” Ilya’s still half-convinced they’re men in disguise. Megan’s probably an eighty-year-old man named Merkel.
“What about Tia?”
Ilya frowns. He fucked a Tia a few times in…D.C.? No, Philadelphia.
He remembers looking out at the crowd and seeing her with her father. He was sick. Even if Tia hadn’t told him, Ilya knew the signs enough to see it.
But he kept smiling at her. Every time Ilya looked over, he was smiling. It was unnerving. That man smiled more in two and a half hours than Ilya had ever seen his own father smile.
Ilya’s not going to tell Shane about the woman he fucked doggy style a few times on the road though. He’d very much like to keep being the person who’s allowed to be mad in this situation. “Never heard of her.”
“Seriously? Do you remember any of the women you’ve slept with?”
Ilya wrinkles his eyebrows. He feels like he’s missed ten steps. “What?”
Shane sits up in bed and folds his hands. Ilya feels like he’s about to be asked to start another foundation. “Okay. So. Early 2017, I was sort of…losing my mind? We were more serious but also not and I just…I wanted to talk about you. So I ended up Googling you.”
“Googling me?” In spite of everything, Ilya can’t stop himself from grinning. “Oh, you had a crush on me? Did you write my initials in your notebooks too?”
“I started Googling you,” Shane huffs, “and I ended up finding out about this group chat.”
“Okay…”
He presses his face into his hands, mutters into them, “I’ve been in a group chat for women who have slept with you since last year.”
“...what?”
“It’s—I know it was a bad idea. It is a bad idea. I just…I don’t know. It’s nice to talk about you, especially with people who get it. Who get you.”
Ilya stares at Shane for a moment. His beautiful brows are creased over his beautiful eyes and his beautiful lips are trembling and Ilya wants so badly to make it all okay. But he still doesn’t understand.
“You have been in a group chat with women I fucked…for over a year?”
“Y-yeah. I’m sorry. I should have told you,” he says. “I wanted to tell you. But Svetlana thought it was a bad idea and I thought maybe—”
“SVETA?” Ilya shrieks. “SVETA IS IN THIS CHAT?”
He has a vague memory of her telling him about a chat like this, but she made it sound boring as hell, like it was mostly for networking. Fuck, how does she always get him to believe such stupid lies? This is like the time she convinced him she got to second base with Britney Spears all over again.
Shane’s eyes go wider than he’s ever seen them. “Oh no. No no, you can’t tell her that I told you. She’ll actually kill me, Ilya, you can’t—”
Ilya already has his phone out. Shane tackles him again. He’s slamming Ilya into the mattress when the call connects.
“What?” Sveta answers in Russian. “I’m busy.”
Shane presses his cheek to a pillow, but Ilya manages to put the call on speaker. “I’m here with your best buddy Shane,” he says in English just to see Shane’s ears turn red. She’s quiet. Of course she won’t give herself away. “Sorry, I mean Jane. He was telling me all about the Jane fan club.”
“SHANE HOLLANDER,” Sveta yells.
“I’M SORRY,” Shane says. “He saw it on my phone—”
"HOW? You don't have notifications off?"
"I did, but I turned them on yesterday in case anyone else figured it out from the press conference and messaged me about it. Please, please don't kill me."
“I think this is a blessing in disguise. Now that he knows, we can go on double dates,” a voice that’s distinctly not Sveta’s says. It must be Katie’s. They’re attached at the hip these days.
“Katie?” Ilya says, turning Shane's words over. “You know?”
“Yeah, I’m in the chat too. But I only just put it all together,” she says. “The rest of the chat definitely still thinks he’s Jane! Which is weird because I’ve been thinking about it, and he’s a really bad liar. Like really bad.”
Ilya’s brain does this fun thing where it whites out. There are a million emotions flashing through him at once, so quickly he can barely grab onto them.
He’s shocked. A little hurt that the two people closest to him have been lying to him. Worried that someone was able to piece together that they're a couple. Immensely flattered that the old group chat about how amazing he is in bed is still active.
Above all else though, he’s jealous.
It’s nice to talk about you. Doesn’t Shane know that Ilya wants that too? Sometimes his lungs feel waterlogged by how much this secret weighs him down. He wasn’t meant to love Shane Hollander behind closed doors. He was meant to throw them open and let the air in.
“I want in,” he says.
Two women and one fake one are silent.
“No,” Sveta says.
“Yes.”
“It couldn’t hurt—” Katie starts.
“You’re only saying that because you haven’t talked about how amazing he is in bed,” Shane mutters.
Ilya grins. “Oh have you?”
“You can’t—”
“Shane.” Ilya pushes his boyfriend up until he’s sitting in his lap. He creates enough distance that Shane can look him in the eyes, see how badly he needs this. “Please.”
“Okay,” Shane says softly, immediately. “I’ll talk to Emmy.”
“Seriously?” Sveta shouts. “You are a weak little man, Shane Hollander. And I know firsthand that his dick isn’t good enough to justify it.”
“Hey!” Ilya says. And then, quieter, in Russian, “I need to talk about him, Sveta. I think maybe I’ll explode if I don’t.”
“Oh Ilyusha.” Sveta sighs fondly. “Okay. Okay, fine. We make a new chat though. It’s not fair to the girls if you see everything they were saying about their sex lives.”
“About their sex lives with me!”
“It’s sort of evolved beyond that,” Katie says. “I think a new chat is a good idea.”
“Fine,” Ilya says. “I agree, but only if Katie sends me pictures of her dog.”
“Oh sure! Maybe you can come see him the next time you play Boston?”
“Please!"
They hang up and Ilya’s left alone with Shane, still sitting in his lap. He’s biting his lip like he always does when he’s thinking too hard.
“I’m sorry. I know what I did was risky. I really should have told you.”
“Yes. The next time you join a group chat to rave about what a good fuck I am, please keep me in the loop,” he says, leaning up to nip at Shane’s lips himself. “What did you say about me? Tell me everything.”
Shane sighs, rolls his eyes to the ceiling. “Oh, I don’t know. I heard a lot about how much you love stroking Marlow's dick.”
Ilya gapes. “Cliff is in the chat?!” He's kind of touched. He didn't realize those threesomes meant so much to him.
“No. I think I’m the only man. Well, Sasha was in it for a second—”
“SASHA?! What the hell?” Ilya’s stomach turns at the thought of them in a virtual room together. “What else don’t I know? You have a double life like Hannah Montana!”
“Who?” Shane shakes his head. “He was just in it for a second. And Cliff isn’t in it. Abi is. You had a threesome with her and Cliff. So I guess we both have our secrets, huh?”
“Psssh, that was nothing. Just a little fun my rookie season.”
“What? She said it was after you won the Cup.”
Ah, fuck. He had a feeling he was mixing the names up. “Riiight, that’s what I said.”
Shane shoots him his worst death glare. “How many threesomes with Marlow have you had?”
“You’re the one with all these secret besties, that’s way worse.” He pokes Shane’s side. “Come on. Tell me something. Something real you talked about in there.”
Shane hesitates. “We used to have this…game. Someone would send a position and everyone else would, like, rate how good you are at it. I think they stopped because we got serious.”
“And you would rate me a hundred out of ten, yes? And brag about how I am the best fuck you have ever had?” He grins. Shane’s cheeks turn a glorious shade of pink. “You did!”
“I didn’t use those words exactly.”
Ilya flips Shane over, runs his tongue over his collarbone. “After I’m through with you, you will.”
Tia: Heeey Ilya! 😄 What’s new?
Abi: SERIOUSLY? That’s what you’re going with?
Tia: What else am I supposed to go with?!
Megan: FUCK, what do we do? Change our names and go off the grid?
Emmy: I have an uncle with a fishing cabin in the smoky mountains
Abi: Perfect, I’ll bring snacks. Does anyone have dietary restrictions?
Caro: Guys, it’s fine. It’s not a big deal unless he scrolls back a lot. It’s not like we talk about sex with him that much these days
Abi: You were asking us to compare his performance in bed to his best friend’s literally a few months ago
Caro: Oh right. Well that’s still a lot of scrolling!
Tia: I think it’ll be okay. Yeah we get a little vulgar, but I don’t think anything we say is that mortifying
Megan: Speak for yourself, I told you guys about my crabs scare!!
Abi: Yeah and I talked about the guy I slept with who called me mommy in bed
Emmy: WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS BACK UP WHEN HE’S PRESUMABLY STILL READING?
Abi: Shit. I blame Megan
Megan: I blame former Shane Hollander poster guy for the crabs scare
Lana: Hi guys. Katie and I just spoke to Ilya and Jane. Ilya would like to join the chat
Megan: lol WHAT??
Emmy: Wait really?
Lana: Yes. As you know, Ilya and Jane are keeping their relationship private. But he would like to also have this space where people know about their relationship. I say we make a new chat so he can’t read our history
Abi: He really wants to join? Why don’t they just go public?
Lana: They don’t want to deal with the media
Tia: I guess that makes sense since Jane models, right?
Emmy: Ooh yeah, it was a CIRCUS when Shane Hollander dated Rose Landry
Abi: Yeah, but that was Rose Landry. Is Jane that famous?
Katie: It’s not really about the level of fame. Jane is a private person and I know this may be surprising, but Ilya is too
Emmy: That’s not that surprising. We know basically nothing about him besides his dick lol
Lana: Okay, so how does everyone feel about making a new chat with Ilya?
Caro: I guess that’s fine? As long as he doesn’t see the messages where I said he was only okay in bed, I don’t care
Emmy: I’m good with it too. If we’re discussing their relationship, it’s only fair that they’re both here
Megan: I’m fine with it but I don’t wanna hold back. Like if I have another crabs scare, he’s gonna have to deal with it
Lana: I think he will like that honestly
Abi: It’s fine with me. Kinda weird but I guess we are the ones in a group chat about him lol
Tia: Yeah and it’ll be nice to chat with him again!
Emmy: Okay great. Then I can make a new chat. Lana, can you send him the invite link? I’m blocked lol
Lana: Yup
Caro: By the way, where’s Jane? Is she freaking out?
Lana: Yes, but I think they’re probably fucking right now
Abi: That tracks
Emmy created a new group chat
Emmy changed the group chat name to Rozanov + Roster
Emmy: Hi everybody! Drum roll pleaaase
Caro: 🥁🥁🥁
Emmy added Ilya to the chat
Ilya: HELLO LADIES!!! 😄🎉💃
Megan: Hiii!
Emmy: Wow this is wild lol hi Ilya! I guess we should all introduce ourselves? No worries if you don’t remember us all!
Ilya: Of course I remember you Emmy from Nashville!
Jane: He’s lying. I gave him a run down on who everyone is.
Ilya: Jane!!!
Abi: 😂
Ilya: Hi Abi! How are you?
Abi: I’m good! You really don’t have to pretend to remember me. I’d actually be worried if you did with how high we were lmao
Ilya: I remember you! You are a wonderful fuzzy blur
Abi: Lol
Ilya: The blur is pink maybe
Abi: 💓🎀
Tia: Hi Ilya!
Ilya: Tia! I do remember you. Sorry Philly played another shitty season last year. And sorry they will play another shitty one this year
Tia: You know what, let me be the one to block you first
Ilya: NOOO
Jane: He’s not wrong…
Tia: 🙄
Megan: Lolll
Ilya: Megan! Tampa bayyyy!
Lana: Stop trying to prove you remember everyone. It’s embarrassing
Katie: I think it’s charming
Katie: I assume you haven’t forgotten me!
Katie: [image attached, tap to download]
Ilya: NOODLE!!! I LOVE YOU NOODLE ❤️🍝🐶
Caro: Awww he’s precious! Why don’t we send dog pictures more often?
Caro: [image attached, tap to download]
Caro: This is Deirdre
Ilya: I LOVE YOU DEIRDRE!! ❤️😍🐶
Ilya: Do I know her? I would never forget such a cute face
Caro: No, I adopted her after we stopped hooking up
Ilya: Caro! Betrayal
Megan: Okay sorry Emmy but we need a more original chat name
Ilya changed the group chat name to Ilya’s 9 inches fan club 😈
Lana: 😂😂😂
Lana changed the group chat name to Ilya’s 6 inches fan club
Ilya: SVETA…
Megan: Aww come on
Megan changed the group chat name to Ilya’s 7 inches fan club
Ilya: You will both hear from my lawyers
Jane: Can it maybe not be related to Ilya’s dick?
Jane changed the group chat name to 🏒❤️
Megan: That’s even more boring
Caro: Agreed
Caro changed the group chat name to Roz + women who are out of his league
Megan: Real but long
Tia changed the group chat name to Roz + some subs
Megan: REALER
Katie: This is Sveta erasure!!
Ilya: 😂💯
Megan changed the group chat name to The Roz-a-Knobbed
Caro: WE ARE NOT MAKING ROZ-A-KNOBBED HAPPEN
Ilya: Yes we are. It should be a hashtag
Emmy changed the group chat name to The Unblocked
Tia: Ooh I like that. We sound like a cult
Jane: Wow this is weird. Somehow having him here too is making it feel real that you’ve all slept with my boyfriend
Ilya: Yes! Let’s discuss how amazing I am in bed 😄😏🍆
Jane: Let’s not
Megan: Don’t listen to Jane, she loves bragging about your sex life
Ilya: Ooh tell me more!!!
Abi: One time she was high from a fever and she told us she should get an award for how well she takes your dick
Ilya: She’s right. Her award is that she gets it forever ❤️
Katie: That’s strangely romantic. Okay but remember the time she rated his head game a 20 out of 10?
Ilya: This is not true. It’s 81/10
Jane: That was a typo. And it was 19
Abi: Yeah a typo for 1900000
Caro: Remember when she was like vibrating after a few days without getting fucked by him?
Ilya: #relatable 😔🙌
Megan: How has no one brought up the time she shot back at Sasha by saying “I would kill to be sucking Ilya’s dick right now”
Ilya: WHAT???
Jane: Okay what was the point of starting a new chat if you’re going to quote everything I said?
Lana: Revenge for exposing the chat
Ilya: This is the best day of my life
Shane: Ignore everything they’re saying
Lily: No. You want me, you want me sooo bad
Shane: Well yes
Shane: But you weren’t supposed to hear all the details.
Lily: You really told Sasha you would kill to suck my dick?
Shane: We had some disagreements…
Lily: I will give you 3 million dollars and 1 million blowjobs for screenshots
Shane: No
Shane: It’s fine. I know you guys are friends still. We worked it out.
Lily: But I want detailssss! Did you make him cry? Did you fly to Paris to beat him up? DID YOU FIGHT FOR ME IN FRENCH?
Shane: He speaks French?
Lily: Don’t kill my fantasy
Shane: I didn’t do any of that. But I did give $20k to Katie for her student loans so he would know I’m not a gold digger
Lily: I have never been harder in my life
Shane: Somehow I doubt that
Lily: Ask our besties, they will confirm
Shane: You really slept with all of them, huh?
Lily: Yes?
Lily: You knew this. That’s why you joined the weird chat, to bond over your favorite hobby
Shane: It’s just always been sort of abstract. It’s different, them actually like…knowing you
Lily: They don’t know me. Not like you do
Lily: They just know how amazing my dick feels
Shane: Do you ever shut up?
Lily: Only when you make me
Shane: Fine
Lily: Fine what?
Shane: I’m driving back to Ottawa.
Lily: Are you serious?
Shane: Yes. I already had practice.
Lily: And you have a flight tomorrow. You need your rest.
Shane: I’ll rest after I remind you exactly why you never need to fuck anyone else again.
Lily: Fuck. Call me on your drive. I want to hear everything you’re going to do to me
Shane: Give me five.
Ilya: Ladies! I need to thank you!!
Emmy: ??
Caro: For agreeing to be in the weirdest group chat of all time? You’re welcome!!
Megan: I assumed he was finally thanking us for all the orgasms
Abi: You’re welcome 😘
Ilya: 😂
Ilya: No no, Jane got so possessive seeing me talk to all of you that she drove through the night to give me the best head of my LIFE
Ilya: No offense to you wonderful women. But you don’t understand, Jane’s throat is a bottomless pit
Katie: 😮
Caro: Alriiight, get it Ilya!
Megan: omg I KNEW your head game was next level, Jane!!
Jane: Seriously?
Ilya: What? Isn’t this what you do? Chat about your sex lives?
Abi: That’s not a bad point
Megan: Hey, Jane’s always bragging, turn the tables
Caro: Of course you like it you perv
Emmy: We don’t always get this explicit lol but I think it’s fine
Ilya: Why not? Everyone share the best orgasm you had this week!
Lana: Adding you was a mistake
Ilya: Let me gab with my girls!!
Megan: I’m here for this lmao. The best one I had this week was by myself with some hottt texts
Ilya: Self love! 💪
Emmy: 🔥🔥
Tia: Shit, I’ll go. Dev and I had sex in his car this week, it was really hot
Ilya: Yesss Tia!
Abi: I think car sex is overrated. It’s so cramped!
Ilya: Jane would disagree with you 😏🚗
Emmy: Oh believe me, we know 👀
Ilya: OH?
Jane: Someone else please share before we go down this road again
Katie: Ughhh it’s so hard to choose just one
Caro: Oooh my name’s Katie and I have a hot girlfriend who makes me come 10000 times a week 🙄
Emmy: No literally, the jealousy this chat gives me!!
Lana: I think the best one you had was with the strap
Katie: Today?
Lana: No on Tuesday
Katie: Ohhh that was good
Katie: No wait it was Wednesday evening when you fingered me on the couch
Lana: Which time?
Megan: If you’re there God, please bring me back as Katie in my next life
Ilya: 😂
Ilya: You girls crack me up!
Ilya: Jane’s turn!!!
Jane: I can’t answer if you’re here
Katie: Lol I literally just answered!
Ilya: Yes. We both did. What, are you chicken?
Jane: That’s not going to work on me.
Megan: Bawk bawk
Caro: 🐔🐔🐔
Jane: Fine, just so you’ll shut up. I think it was when you ate me out over the armchair earlier. When you put your fingers in my mouth before I came.
Emmy: Hot
Megan: If you’re there God, please bring me back as Jane in my next life
Caro: Hell, I wanna be Jane in this one
Ilya: Uh oh Jane, looks like you’re going to have to drive here and fuck me again!
Jane: I think I can get the job done over the phone.
Abi: This group chat has devolved into foreplay for two couples, huh?
Caro: 1000%
Lily: Call me when you get in ❤️
Shane: What, all the orgasms I gave you over FaceTime yesterday weren’t enough?
Lily: No
Lily: And I miss your voice
Shane: I miss yours too
Shane: Fuck, Hayden’s making fun of me for blushing
Lily: TELL HIM TO SEND PHOTOS
Lily: PHOTOS PIKE
Lily: PHOTOS NOW
Lily: 🍅🍅🍅📸📸📸
Shane: He’s not reading these weirdo
Lily: Yes he is. He’s very nosy
Shane: Yeah yeah
Shane: It’s going to be weird going to Boston and not seeing you
Lily: I know. And you will get hard as soon as you land 😥
Shane: Honestly, I can’t even deny that.
Shane: I’ll probably be 50 and still get rock hard every time I see Logan airport
Lily: 😭❤️✈️
Lily: True love!!!
Lily: I wish I could tell the girls how hard you get for me
Shane: Okay, even if they knew, you don’t have to tell them that?
Lily: It’s literally a sex chat! What’s the point if I can’t tell them how hot my Jane is for me?
Shane: It’s more than a sex chat
Shane: And you can still tell them. Just with other words.
Lily: I knew you liked it
Shane: I mean, it’s nice being a couple around other people. Even if they don’t know everything.
Lily: Yes, it is. So are you going to gush about me to Sveta and Katie all night?
Shane: Probably, yeah
Shane: I’ll call you when I land, but I can FaceTime you again when I’m with them after our games?
Lily: Practice ran long today. I will probably go right to bed when I get home tonight.
Shane: Okay, that’s fine.
Lily: Send pictures, okay?
Shane: Okay
Shane: ❤️
Katie created a new group chat
Katie named the group chat Double Trouble 💋💋
Katie: [2 images attached, tap to download]
Katie: Thanks for a great night Jane! And don’t worry Ilya, we didn’t poison his food even though he’s enemy number one right now
Shane: Sorry. Boston is even easier to beat since Ilya left.
Katie: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?
Shane: Oh right. My bad.
Shane: I had a great time at dinner. Thank you for the sushi and for showing me all those pictures of Ilya as a teenager
Katie: His fake earring phase 🥺
Lana: Any time 😘
Lily: SVETA!!!
Lily: You’re lucky I don’t have time to charter a plane to Boston to kill you
Lana: I’d like to see you try
Lily: Jane, forget you ever saw that
Shane: I liked it. I think you would look hot with an earring now.
Lana: That’s how I know you’re in love 🤮
Katie: Yeah, that’s sign number two (after abandoning Boston)
Lily: I am watching Jane’s game from last night now. Poor Marlow looks like he is going to burst into tears 😂
Katie: He really did omg. It doesn’t get better
Shane: He’s fine. Boston’s in Tampa in 2 weeks, he’ll have Megan to lick his wounds
Lily: Wait
Lily: MARLY AND MEGAN???
Shane: Oops. Was that a secret?
Katie: I’m not sure??
Lily: Wow. Wait so she is the hot Tampa puck bunny who gives good head? Interesting…
Shane: How much do you and Marlow talk about your sex lives exactly?
Lily: Don’t worry, he knows about all the head you give me too
Lana: Jane, before you pretend to be mad, remember we all know you love being shown off
Katie: 😂
Jane: I don’t.
Ilya: 😂😂😂
Katie: See, it continues to amaze me how you sound like you’re lying over text
Ilya: Megannnn…I heard a rumor about you!
Megan: You did?
Emmy: 👀
Ilya: Yesss
Ilya: I heard you and my buddy Marlow are going to get married and have lots of babies 💍🍼🥳
Abi: Damn, Jane can’t keep a secret at all
Jane: Sorry.
Megan: Lol it’s fine. It’s not a secret but it’s also not serious
Ilya: Or is it? 👀
Megan: Nah. We just fuck when he’s in town. And sext sometimes
Ilya: Sexting is like marriage to Marlow
Jane: How would you know?
Ilya: Because he is worse with blocking than I was. One time he blocked a girl for breathing weirdly
Abi: Wait was it me?! I have sleep apnea 😭
Caro: Did he hear you sleep?
Abi: No, but maybe he could sense it
Caro: Girl what?
Emmy: Okay but Ilya, has he said anything about Megan? 👀
Tia: Ooh good question!!
Ilya: Not much, just that you’re one of the best fucks he’s ever had
Megan: He said that?
Ilya: Yes. Sorry Abi.
Abi: Lol none taken
Megan: I mean, he’s the best I’ve had for sure
Ilya: HEY!!!
Megan: Sorryyy!! If it helps, you were the only reason my bar wasn’t totally on the floor
Ilya: That is a terrible compliment
Caro: Okay but she means it. Never forget Shane Hollander poster guy 🙏
Ilya: What?
Abi: He’s this gross guy Megan used to hook up with
Ilya: Shane Hollander???
Tia: Lol no, we called him that because he had a poster of Shane Hollander in his room
Ilya: Ohhh! Interesting!!
Caro: WAIT, you’re friends with him right?
Ilya: No. I have never heard of this ugly man.
Caro: I mean you’re friends with Hollander?
Ilya: Yes.
Tia: That’s still sooo weird to me! How did you even become friends with enemy number 1?
Abi: I’ve been wondering that too! Like the foundation is cool but how did we get from death glares to that?
Ilya: He is very boring so it makes sense that he would want such a funny friend.
Jane: Actually, I remember at an Irina foundation event he told me you begged him to be friends so you could learn to improve your backhand??
Abi: Huh, that doesn’t sound like Ilya at all
Ilya: Yes, he lies sometimes. Odd guy.
Caro: Okay, but can I get his number? Please please please please!
Emmy: …are we all getting hot NHL player boyfriends? Where do I get in line?
Caro: I’ll be getting a husband actually 🤤
Ilya: No.
Ilya: You wouldn’t want his number. I have heard he is awful in bed.
Megan: Wait, really?
Emmy: 😱
Caro: This feels like finding out Santa isn’t real…
Jane: I haven’t heard that.
Ilya: Why would you? You aren’t in NHL locker rooms
Ilya: I have heard he comes REALLY fast. No stamina. Two seconds and he comes. It’s kind of pathetic.
Lana: I know a girl who slept with him who said the opposite actually. She was on the verge of tears about how good he is.
Caro: Damnnn
Katie: I was there when she talked about it and I can confirm!!
Ilya: Hmm maybe Hollander paid her to say that 🤔 He loves to throw his money around
Abi: I kinda feel like he wouldn’t be good. Like he’s SO hot that he doesn’t have to make an effort
Tia: That tracks
Jane: Ilya’s hot and he makes an effort. So I bet Shane Hollander does too.
Ilya: Maybe. But probably not. Sorry Caro!
Caro: Lol well I’d love to find out for myself! If you ever wanna give him my number, please do
Ilya: I won’t 😄
Lily: We need to make another chat without Caro.
Shane: Oh my God, no we don’t
Lily: She is obsessed with you!
Shane: She just thinks I’m hot. It doesn’t matter.
Lily: Okay well she can go think you’re hot somewhere else
Shane: Now you know how I feel! They’re ALL attracted to you
Lily: Katie isn’t
Shane: Okay fine, everyone besides Katie
Shane: And just like Katie, I’m gay. It doesn’t matter if Caro hypothetically wants to sleep with me.
Lily: Not too gay for Rose Landry…
Shane: I literally was too gay for Rose
Shane: If I can be friends with a whole group of women who have slept with you, you can live with one being attracted to me
Lily: Fine. But send me pictures of your pretty face
Shane: [image attached, tap to download]
Lily: ALSDDLDDPD
Lily: MINE MINE MINE MINE MINEEEE!!!
Lily: MY FRECKLES MY MOUTH MY EYES MY BOYYY!!!
Shane: You’re ridiculous, you know that?
Lily: You’re the one who chooses to love me for some reason.
Shane: A million reasons**
Lily: Right.
Shane: Are you okay, by the way?
Lily: Okay?
Shane: Your nap went on longer than usual earlier. I feel like you’ve been sleeping a lot. Are you coming down with something?
Lily: Yes, maybe. Or it’s allergies.
Shane: Okay. Just let me know if you get worse and I can order you some soup. There’s a deli near my parents’ that’s really good.
Lily: Thanks. I’ll be fine.
Chapter End Notes
Next up: The Short Game (it’s like the long game but I speed run it so I don’t get too sad) (this may lead to the chapter count being increased, I’m not sure yet)
It will take me some time to configure the short game, but I’ll be posting some oneshots for Halloween in the meantime! 🎃
Afterword
End Notes
I'm on threads at gurls_rool and on tumblr at gurlsrool
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