Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories:

F/M, Gen, M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike, David Hollander & Shane Hollander & Yuna Hollander & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Rose Landry, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau & Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Kip Grady/Scott Hunter, Hayden Pike/Jackie Pike

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Yuna Hollander, David Hollander, Farah Jalali, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Hayden Pike, Jackie Pike, Scott Hunter (Game Changers), Kip Grady, Harris Drover, Troy Barrett, Luca Haas, Wyatt Hayes, Zane Boodram, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Team Ensemble (Game Changers), New York Admirals Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Original Characters, Roger Crowell, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Svetlana Vetrova

Additional Tags:

Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander Walks Ilya Rozanov Like A Dog, Shane Hollander Leaves the Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros, Autistic Shane Hollander, Autistic Yuna Hollander, Autistic David Hollander, the hollanders are an autistic ass family and i will die on that hill, Social Media, Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Being Assholes (Game Changers), Canon-Typical Homophobia, Fanwork Creator Knows Nothing About Hockey, thank God there's a tag for that, Crack Treated Seriously, Protective Ilya Rozanov, BAMF Shane Hollander, Good Friend Hayden Pike, Good Friend Rose Landry, mystery friend status j.j. boiziau, i can't figure out my feelings on j.j. so i'm just going to write and see where this takes me, Warning: Roger Crowell, author has seen the show and plans to (but has not yet) read the books, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Player Ilya Rozanov, no beta we die like the metros' chances of ever winning a game ever again, My First Work in This Fandom, Fluff and Crack, cannot emphasize enough that i wrote this fic to make one (1) specific joke, this is crack all the way through

Language:

English

Collections:

Subscriptions:Tracking, a library of only the BEST FICS TO EVER EXIST ✨, HR, Rain Recs

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-23 Updated: 2026-05-26 Words: 8,993 Chapters: 4/?

The Great MLH Seduction

Summary

Farah, Shane, and his mom have a statement drafted by the end of the first period of the Boston v. Toronto game. By the time the Raiders are done showering and are pulled for post-game press, everyone with even a passing interest in professional hockey knows that Shane Hollander is an Unrestricted Free Agent looking for a new team.

Shane watched live as Ilya blinked stupidly, took a few seconds to process, and then quickly answered into the mic. This interview would gain millions of views over the coming months and would be cited as the source of the most chaotic social media rollercoaster the MLH ever had.

No one knew it then, but the Great MLH Seduction had officially begun.

*****

Or: Ilya stays with the Boston Raiders instead of trading to Ottawa. This causes quite a few ripples when Shane finally ends his contract with Montreal.

Featuring: the Hollander Family's Spreadsheets(TM), professional hockey culture shifts, and a tasteful amount of fraud against the MLH.

Notes

Chapter 1: The Last Straw

The catalyst was a dubious—but still technically legal—negotiation strategy cooked up by Farah. 

Shane’s agent will claim that it was the MLH’s own rules and regulations that inspired her and that she just kept the trend going. Because Shane, just like every rookie drafted at eighteen, just like Ilya Rozanov, was subject to a standard three-year contract. When the rookie years were done and it came time for negotiating a “real” contract, it wasn’t abnormal for players in the same draft year to have their agencies send out feelers to see what their competition was getting. MLH teams were no strangers to getting hit with ‘well it seems Mr. So-And-So of the Los Angeles Queens was signed for two years longer, and yet averages less points than my client,’ or ‘Mr. Good Press has not had a fraction of the bad publicity of Mr. Sin Bin, but Mr. Sin Bin is still receiving five million more from the St. Louis Azures.’

What was abnormal, however, was using that information to match another player’s contract, rather than surpass it.

“Rozanov is an excellent measuring stick, and one I wouldn’t recommend deviating from anytime soon,” Farah told Shane and Yuna in the quiet board room they had claimed, “There are very few, perhaps no, other players that come close to your caliber, Mr. Hollander. As such, I would recommend keeping an eye on the details of Mr. Rozanov’s extension, specifically length and average yearly income. If either of you hear those exact details, I think I can better leverage them to ensure Montreal isn’t underpaying you.”

And this is where the negotiation strategy dips into the dubiously legal territory. Because Farah asking after other contracts for players of similar value? That was simply research. Shane asking Ilya for his contract details in between handjobs with the express purpose of using those details to secure his own payout? That could possibly be considered collusion, and Shane could very well be in major hot water if anyone ever found out. 

But Shane was also a creature of order who loved and cherished his rules and measuring sticks and systems. So he resolved to be careful and ensure no one found out he was intentionally meeting Rozanov’s contracts tit for tat.

When Ilya Rozanov got signed to the Raiders for another four years at $7,500,000 USD per year, Shane asked for four years and $8,250,000 USD from the Metros. When the Metros wanted to re-sign Shane in 2016 after two back-to-back Stanley Cups, he hyped Ilya up and convinced him to ask for five years and $9,500,000 USD rather than the two-year extension he initially planned. If that just so happened to align with his own five years and $10,000,000 USD from the Metros, then that was between him, Farah, and his mom.

Shane’s contract plan almost completely backfired on him in 2017 after Ilya and he sat down to coordinate Shane’s plan with the ever-competent momager Yuna Hollander.

“I was going to go to Ottawa right away, but still have four years left in Boston,” Ilya explained, “And even if I waive no-trade clause and ask for trade, Boston would not trade me if they can help it. They know I am best player in the league and Ottawa has nothing worth me. I would tell Shane to go to Ottawa first, but his contract ends same time as mine. Funny how these things work.”

“Yes,” Yuna said, staring down Shane. He could see it in her eyes that she had ultimately put together exactly how he got his rival’s salary details weeks before any official announcement was made. “Funny.”

Shane squirmed but pushed through his embarrassment and continued to outline their modified plan. The Irina Foundation is workshopped and officially launched in early 2018. The first camps are hosted in Montreal, Boston, and Ottawa that following summer. J.J. and Hayden both tease Shane about ‘breaking bread with Rozanov,’ but they still sign on to be coaches along with Cliff Marleau, Ryan Carmichael, Victor St.-Simon, and Connor Connors of the Boston Raiders, and various other players that Shane and Ilya recruit from other teams. 

Since he’s not playing with a Canadian team, Ilya has to spend every spare weekend, break, and summer day in Canada to meet his permanent residency requirements. It’s a close call, but he finally reaches the minimum resident days in December of 2020, and Ilya gets his green card in February of 2021.

It couldn’t have come at a better time because in March, Shane’s best friend accidentally outs them to the world.

*****

It’s a nightmare. A complete and utter clusterfuck. 

Between the Metros’ hostility in the locker room and cold shoulders on the ice, Crowell trying to threaten him and Ilya back into the closet, and endless comments from fans, sportscasters, and sponsors alike, Shane almost completely disassociates for the rest of the season. His playing doesn’t suffer for it, thankfully. There are, however, quite a few games played in nothing but Hockey Robot Mode.

Even that isn’t enough to completely save him, though. An unlucky trip in Game 7 of the playoffs has the Metros’ season close on a loss to Boston. That alone was bad, but the fact that it had been Ilya who had benefitted and gotten the game-winning goal….

“Fuck them. Fuck all of them,” Hayden said as he helped Shane clean out his defaced locker. Slurs and insults had been carved and inked onto almost every available surface, and no piece of gear or other personal item was left unmarred. Even his stick tape didn’t escape; someone had taken the time to pull it from the roll, wadded it up into a ball, and stomped it down for good measure.

Shane just stares at the destruction and quietly asks, “Is it even worth playing hockey?”

Hayden whips his head around so fast, Shane’s surprised he didn’t break his neck. “No. No. Don’t you dare let these bastards ruin hockey for you. Whatever team you join is going to be so much better, I promise.”

“But you can’t!” Shane exclaimed, collapsing onto the bench, “You can’t promise that, Hayd! The Metros drafted me, they gave me the captaincy, I led them to three Stanley Cups, and they’re still treating me like this! I wanted to—I planned to retire on this team. I planned to see my jersey hanging from the rafters of the Bell Centre, and now….”

Hayden sat next to him, knocking their knees together. Shane accepted the silent question for what it was and opened his arms. His best friend pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. 

“And now you’re going to find a team that’ll treat you so much better, make the playoffs from now until your legs give out on the ice, and win twice as many cups with guys who’ll actually have your back,” Hayden said easily, “And hopefully in two years you’ll put in a good word for me so I can follow.”

“That’s a given.”

“I’d hope so.” Hayden chuckled and pulled out of the hug. “I kind of have to ask, though, aren’t you just going to Boston? Wouldn’t your fiance’s team be the obvious pick? Or are the Raiders just as bad as the Metros?”

“No. No, Ilya says the Raiders have been great. It’s just… I don’t know. Montreal was mostly fine when they knew I was gay, but it was like the second I had a partner, they became the world’s biggest assholes. Like if I was single, they could pretend I was still straight, or something. I don’t want to go to Boston and have that same experience of the other players going full homophobe once they realize I’m gay in a way they can’t easily ignore. Plus, I haven’t really asked about their cap space. I don’t even know if they can afford both of us.”

“You’re a free agent. If you wanted to, you could make it work salary-wise.”

“Ilya’s a free agent, too. If he wanted to, he could just follow me to whatever team I pick.”

“Huh. Rozanov’s contract is up? What’re the odds? Lucky you.”

Shane had to try very hard to keep a straight face.

“Regardless,” Hayden continued, “It’s not like you’re in some type of rush. You have the rest of the season and all of the summer to research and interview and do whatever else you need to to find the perfect team for you and your man. All you really have to worry about right now is letting the world know you’re on the market. Now c’mon. Let’s get this cleaned up and watch your man put the first nail in the coffin of Toronto’s playoff dreams.”

Farah, Shane, and his mom have a statement drafted by the end of the first period of the Boston v. Toronto game. By the end of the second, Shane posts it to all of his social media platforms and turns off his phone to focus on cheering for Ilya. By the end of the third and final period, after Boston’s secured a 4-1 victory with his fiance receiving two goals and an assist, the internet has taken note and is in the middle of imploding over the implications. By the time the Raiders are done showering and are pulled for post-game press, everyone with even a passing interest in professional hockey knows that Shane Hollander is an Unrestricted Free Agent looking for a new team.

Everyone except for the two professional hockey teams that just got off the ice, didn’t have a chance to check their phones, and were thus unaware until a reporter asked Ilya Rozanov what he thought of his partner’s new free agency status.

Shane watched live as Ilya blinked stupidly, took a few seconds to process, and then quickly answered into the mic. This interview would gain millions of views over the coming months and would be cited as the source of the most chaotic social media rollercoaster the MLH ever had.

No one knew it then, but the Great MLH Seduction had officially begun.

Chapter 2: Opening Moves

Chapter Summary

Reporter #3: Speaking of Hollander, would you like to comment on his upcoming free agency?

[Marleau whips his head towards the reporter, looking as if he didn’t hear the question right. St. Simon was half-way through a drink of water and starts choking. Rozanov leans in extremely close to the mic.]

Rozanov: Repeat that.

Chapter Notes

Shane Hollander✅ @Hollander24_Metros

To my beloved Montreal,

Hockey has been a part of my life since the moment it started. On a shelf in my parents’ home is a scrapbook filled with baby pictures, and should you take even a passing glance at its pages, you’ll find evidence of the Cold War that was my mom and dad trying to get me to root for their favorite MLH teams. Every time my dad would swaddle me in an Ottawa Centaurs blanket, my mom would buy a new Montreal Metros jersey, sized toddler’s small. I don’t know if she or I were more excited when I was drafted to the Metros.

Playing for this team has been a dream come true. From the moment I arrived in Montreal, you have embraced me as your own. Every practice, every game day, every time I stepped foot in the Bell Centre, I felt the love and support you showed me as both a person and player. You didn’t just give me a chance and a team; you gave me a home.

In a perfect world, I would be playing on this team forever. Unfortunately, for my own wellbeing and future, I’ve had to let that dream go. I have not ever and do not currently believe that I’ve asked for too much of the Metros organization. All I have ever truly demanded is the common respect, grace, and fairness all players should receive. A part of me has always and will always belong to Montreal, but when one member of a partnership will not meet the other halfway, sometimes the only thing you can do is end it before more pain is shared.

As such, I have decided not to renew my contract with the Montreal Metros. I will always hold memories of Montreal close to my heart: the rush of draft night, the adrenaline of running onto the ice, hoisting the Stanley Cup for the cheering home crowd. No matter where this next chapter takes me, please know that I have loved this city and gave it everything I could.

Thank you, Montreal, for every ounce of love you showed me in return. Being your captain has been the honor of a lifetime.

Avec tout mon amour,

Shane Hollander, #24

8:00 PM | May 31, 2021 | 7.4K💬 | 16K🔃 | 91K🩵

⬇️ Load Comments ⬇️

Hayden Pike✅ @mrjackiepike35

All the love, brother. I know you’re moving on to bigger and better things, but I’m going to miss you. Remember our place is always open (and always accepting of free babysitters).

8:00 PM | May 31, 2021 | 3.4K💬 | 8.1K🔃 | 72K🩵

Jackie @mrsjackiepike35

Let us know when you’ve signed with a new team! Got to make sure the kids have matching jerseys with the future MLH hall of famer 🤗

8:00 PM | May 31, 2021 | 2.0K💬 | 4.9K🔃 | 56K🩵

 

Shane Hollander✅ @Hollander24_Metros

Love you both. Thank you so much for having my back in this and in everything. Whenever my new jerseys are available you’ll be getting the first editions ❤️

8:01 PM | May 31, 2021 | 1.3K💬 | 5.1K🔃 | 61K🩵

shayden’s biggest fan @shaydentruther24

They’re breaking up the pookies????? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

8:03 PM | May 31, 2021 | 1.0K💬 | 6.6K🔃 | 48K🩵

hollanov winning? always @hollanovs-girl

pike’s married and hollanov are engaged. stop acting psycho and grow the fuck up already

8:08 PM | May 31, 2021 | 1.6K💬 | 7.5K🔃 | 52K🩵

 

shayden’s biggest fan @shaydentruther24

I know a parasocial H*llan*ver isn’t calling ME psycho

8:12 PM | May 31, 2021 | 1.0K💬 | 4.4K🔃 | 33K🩵

 

hollanov winning? always @hollanovs-girl

this you?

🔃shayden’s biggest fan @shaydentruther24

     I think anyone who thinks Shane would ever go near R*zanov should eat glass

     10:42 AM | February 14, 2017 | 7.5K💬 | 16K🔃 | 24K🩵

 

there’s a RAIDER loose in the METRO @bear-kisser81

LMAO NOT OOMF CLAPPING BACK WITH THE RECEIPTS

8:33 PM | May 31, 2021 | 1.0K💬 | 2.9K🔃 | 10K🩵

Ted @tedbrown1991

Shane Hollander is a fucking traitor. The Metros probably just told his pansy ass to stop bringing that gay shit into hockey and now he’s crying foul instead of toughing it out like a real man

8:05 PM | May 31, 2021 | 3.2K💬 | 10K🔃 | 30K🩵

disco dancin’ 🕺@cha-cha-charlie

Oh I’m SURE you’re more of a “real man” than a 200lb pro athlete who’s the best in the industry 🙄 be so fr Tedward

8:07 PM | May 31, 2021 | 5.5K💬 | 25K🔃 | 88K🩵

agatha step on me @girlgenius-sparkikus

“All I have ever truly demanded is the common respect, grace, and fairness all players should receive” immediately followed by Montreal “not meeting [him] halfway”....it’s giving homophobic. It’s giving toxic. It’s giving something horrible was happening behind closed doors and only now can Shane gtfo

8:21 PM | May 31, 2021 | 5K💬 | 11K🔃 | 20K🩵

Shane’s Right Skate @hollander24eva

RIGHT??? And, like, tell me if I’m crazy but his whole letter doesn’t thank the Metros at ALL. It’s all addressed to Montreal (the fans) not Montreal (the team). These types of things always thank the organization, especially if they drafted the player like the Metros drafted Shane. The fact that he only mentions them in passing to say they couldn’t come to terms? SOMETHING’S UP

8:23 PM | May 31, 2021 | 4.1K💬 | 10K🔃 | 17K🩵

 

agatha step on me @girlgenius-sparkikus

HOLY SHIT I DIDN’T EVEN CLOCK THAT!!!! YOU’RE SO RIGHT SHANE “GOLDEN BOY” HOLLANDER WOULD ABSOLUTELY THANK THE METROS!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO TO GET THE COLD SHOULDER?

8:28 PM | May 31, 2021 | 3.6K💬 | 9.1K🔃 | 12K🩵

skips lovechild @scott-hunter-invented-hockey

“for my own wellbeing and future, I’ve had to let that dream go.” <- Something is rotten in the state of Montreal

8:36 PM | May 31, 2021 | 6.9K💬 | 21K🔃 | 94K🩵

Boston Babe @raiders-cup2021

I know I’ve been saying for months that Rozanov needs to lock the fuck in and forget about his hot fiance but I’m officially retracting that statement. @russias-greatest-love-machine81 I don’t care what you need to do, get Hollander on the Raiders

10:32 PM | May 31, 2021 | 109💬 | 786🔃 | 2K🩵

raiders 4 life @takealookatmycannon

bestie have you seen the latest game interview? i assure you ilya’s already on it.

10:44 PM | May 31, 2021 | 56K💬 | 409🔃 | 1K🩵

 

Ella @okayish-looking-stepsister

You can’t just say that and not share the link. And if you can’t get the video, here’s a transcript I typed up. Mind the notes and jokes.

11:12 PM | May 31, 2021 | 1.5K💬 | 2K🔃 | 5.6K🩵

 

Boston Babe @raiders-cup2021

@okayish-looking-stepsister I owe you my life 🧎🧎🧎🧎

11:23 PM | May 31, 2021 | 94💬 | 1K🔃 | 2.2K🩵

*****

MLH Second Round: Game 1, Boston Raiders vs. Toronto Guardians

May 31, 2021

Cliff Marleau

Ilya Rozanov

Victor St. Simon

Boston: 6, Toronto: 2

[Ilya Rozanov (C), Cliff Marleau (A), and Victor St. Simon (A) enter the screen from the left, presumably from the locker room. The crowd of reporters clammer to speak and grab their attention. Rozanov takes center podium while Marleau takes left and St. Simon takes right.]

Note from the transcriber: It is important to me that you know that Rozanov had a slutty black tank top that looked like it was painted on. I was looking very disrespectfully the entire time. Even though St. Simon was shirtless, I could not take my eyes off Rozanov.

[Media shouts out some questions. Eventually it calms enough for one to be heard above the crowd.]

Reporter #1: Gentlemen, you’re hot off a close victory against Montreal, but it seems the Raiders had no trouble against Toronto tonight. Has there been any changes in approach to attribute this success?

Marleau: I wouldn’t say much of anything has changed. We’ve got a special group of guys who’re hungry for another Stanley Cup, and I think it shows in our playing that we mean business and we’re always going to be leaving it all on the ice.

St. Simon: Like Cliff said: we’ve got a dedicated group of guys who haven’t had a real cup run in a while. I want it; we all want it. And come hell or high water, we aren’t going to stop until we’re hoisting the damn thing in the Garden.

[Rozanov chuckles]

Rozanov: Marly, Sims, where did you learn manners? And why are you wasting them on Guardians? Toronto is shit team who lost their only good player months ago.

Reporter #2: Are you speaking of Dallas Kent’s arrest back in February of this year?

[Rozanov gives a confused look.]

Rozanov: I said they lost good player, not that they were forced to clean out moldy horse shit from their locker room. Meant Barrett. Decent person and decent player when not surrounded by rapists, pigs, and cowards.

Note from the transcriber: Troy Barrett was traded to the Ottawa Centaurs at the beginning of the season after he called out Dallas Kent (Toronto’s previous 1st line center) as a rapist piece of shit. Toronto rallied around Kent. Barrett is now an alternate captain for the Centaurs, a 1st line right winger, an advocate for sexual assault survivors, and one of four out and active LGBTQ+ MLH players. According to social media, he’s made a good impression on Rozanov and the Hollanders and is reported to be one of the coaches for the Game Changers Ottawa hockey camps. Talk about a glow up.

Rozanov, continuing: Only difference is that Toronto is shit team, but Montreal is shit team with Shane Hollander. And Hollander, as second-best player in league, could make playoffs with team of dead fish. He is the only reason last series went to Game 7.

Reporter #3: Speaking of Hollander, would you like to comment on his upcoming free agency?

[Marleau whips his head towards the reporter, looking as if he didn’t hear the question right. St. Simon was half-way through a drink of water and starts choking. Rozanov leans in extremely close to the mic.]

Rozanov: Repeat that.

Reporter #3: At 8:00PM, EST, Shane Hollander and his social media team posted a personal statement across all platforms notifying the public that he did not plan to resign with the Montreal Metros. As both his partner and a fellow captain and player, do you have any insight into why this may be?

[Rozanov blinks a few times before whipping out his phone. Marleau does the same. St. Simon, who finally stopped choking and pounding on his chest, answers.]

St. Simon: This is the first time we’re hearing this, since we usually have a no-phone policy during games. I, personally, have no clue why an individual player would extend their contract or not, but I wish Hollander success moving forward.

Marleau, not looking up from his phone: Yes, yep, same thing Simon said. Hope Hollander has a good time wherever he ends up.

Reporter #3: And Mr. Rozanov? Your thoughts?

Note from the transcriber: At this point, Rozanov was muttering in Russian. The mic had a tough time picking it up, and I don’t speak the language, so I’ve mostly excluded this part of the statement. If Google Translate did its job, I think there were snippets about a ‘stupid beautiful tomato not giving me enough time to read things’ and ‘something happened, my landlord is too boring to throw grenade and watch fireworks.’

Rozanov: Okay, I will answer question twice. First answer will be nice, proper answer that will make future husband and mother-in-law happy. Second answer will be one where I stop pretending I have dignity and give whole truth. Da? Da.

Rozanov: First answer: Shane and I largely keep personal details of hockey to ourselves. Although we both love this sport very much, we also do not want to let it control every part of our lives. So I do not know details of Shane Hollander’s contract. I do not know Metros’ playbook. I do not know what inside jokes Metros team has in group chat. And no, I do not know why Shane Hollander is refusing to resign with Metros. Maybe management clashed with deal. Maybe Hollander was not offered price he was worth. Maybe the love of my life wants to run away into woods and live as hermit with his Canadian wolf birds. I do not know these things. All I can say is that as his partner, I will continue to support Shane Hollander in this and everything, and as a player and captain, I hope another team can provide Hollander with whatever Metros could not.

[Rozanov takes a few moments to breathe. Reporters and media wait.]

Rozanov: Okay, that is enough pretending at having dignity.

[Room laughs as Rozanov leans directly into the mic.]

Rozanov: Hollander. Shane. Lyubimiy. Please come to Boston. Please, please, please, please, please—

[Marleau and St. Simon both begin to wail with laughter at Rozanov’s begging.]

Rozanov: Team would treat you right. Whole city would treat you right. I would treat you right. Think of it. You and me, best two players in the league, on the same team. On the same line. You come here and we win many cups together. Would be better than sex.

St. Simon, wheezing: Roz, you can’t just say that to your fiance—

Marleau, still laughing: No, Sims. Hollander might be the only person alive who would sooner move to win a Stanley Cup than to turn their long-distance engagement into no-distance with a side of daily mind-blowing sex.

Rozanov: If Shane comes to Boston, he can have both of these things.

[Marleau and St. Simon get a new wind and start laughing again.]

Rozanov, tone softer: Please, Shane. You already gave me so much. You gave me cottage, you gave me parents, you gave Ottawa, you gave me you. Let me give you this; let me give you Boston. Ya lyublyu tebya. Vsegda.

[Rozanov pulls a chain out from under his shirt. Attached to the chain is a golden Russian Orthodox cross and a ring. He brings both to his lips, kisses them, and then taps them against his heart before putting the chain back underneath his shirt.]

Rozanov, after a moment of silence: No more questions. If I answer any more, Mama Yuna will display head like trophy. Thank you and goodnight.

[Rozanov leaves press scrum, ignoring comments and questions from reporters. Video ends.]

*****

Sveta: Why were you begging like a dog on live television?

Sveta: Did fucking a Metro give you a humiliation kink?

Ilyusha: when it comes to my Jane?

Ilyusha: woof woof 🐶

Sveta: 😒

Sveta: My maid of honor speech at your wedding is going to be a slideshow

Sveta: And in that slideshow will be 1 million reasons to thank your Jane for taking you off the market and isolating you like you do a deadly fungus

Sveta: And this conversation?

Sveta: This will be opening slide

Ilyusha: since when were you my maid of honor?

Sveta: Since you called me two months ago panicking about using Dawn dish soap in dish washer when you ran out of pods and not wanting Jane to come home and see 

Ilyusha: …

Ilyusha: so we were thinking gold and emerald green for wedding colors

Chapter End Notes

Translations:

Lyubimiy - my love/beloved
Ya lyublyu tebya. Vsegda. - I love you. Always.

I used Google Translate for these, so if anyone is more familiar with Russian and would like to correct me, feel free!

Notes:

1.) Shoutout to any fic writers who use skins to write their social media fanfics. I could never. This typed-out version is already a killer, but I am having SO much fun with it :D

2.) Again, I haven't read the books yet, and I know Ilya is a huge part of Troy Barrett's redemption, but Ilya's still in Boston. Let's just pretend Troy and Ilya met at an Irina Foundation fundraiser with the Centaurs, they both got drunk, and they had a 2AM, wasted-in-the-bathroom, soul-binding conversation that speedran all of Troy's character development. Okay? Okay <3

3.) I hope I struck a good balance between Ilya the Bisexual Chaos Gremlin and Ilya the Loverboy. Both aspects are equally important to his character, though I would also like to remind y'all that this is a crack fic first and foremost, so we'll be seeing plenty of the Chaos Gremlin very soon.

4.) And, as always, thanks for reading!

Chapter 3: Base Standards

Chapter Summary

“Well, if your team wants to act like spineless slugs, is their prerogative. But I do think there are others who would like to be much better teammates.” There was the sound of footsteps and a door swinging open. “Say hello, boys!”

“HI HOLLANDER!” came a cacophony of voices.

Chapter Notes

Yuna’s first reaction to Ilya’s post-game interview was satisfaction. Her immediate following reaction was a wave of second-hand embarrassment that knocked her off her feet and dragged her straight to the depths of the ocean of vexation. She then rapidly oscillated between those two peaks until David initiated DEFCON 4 calming measures and made her and Shane cups of peppermint hot chocolate and started on a batch of cookies.

Because from the moment Yuna Hollander first held her son in her arms and felt her center of gravity reorient itself around him, she had known that her boy deserved nothing but the best things life could offer. She knew it then and she knew it now and she knew it for every second in between: Shane Hollander deserved the best.

Yuna tried—desperately, ceaselessly—to make sure he had it. When he toddled after the skaters rushing down the Rideau Canal, Yuna bundled him up in as many layers as he could tolerate and laced tiny skates to his feet. When Shane, six years old and bright-eyed, brought her a flier about the local Timbits hockey team, Yuna made sure he never missed a practice and coordinated the parents’ phone tree like a general rallying her troops. When he came home from his middle school career day and sheepishly explained that ‘I know it’s a long shot and less than one percent of players make it to the MLH, but I want to play hockey for the rest of my life,’ Yuna spent the night researching the best youth hockey camps and budgeting for private coaches.

Ilya had been a surprise; Yuna isn’t too proud to admit that. She had let herself question and stumble for an afternoon, had gotten in a single dig about finding a nice man in Montreal, but the second Rozanov had pulled her son out of what was surely the beginning of a DEFCON 2 panic attack with nothing but a touch and a few words, she was reminded of what she had always known. 

Shane deserved nothing but the best. And he had found it in Ilya.

Just like she had done twenty-six years ago, Yuna’s center of gravity had reoriented itself. A new piece of her heart had been unearthed and slotted itself in her chest to fill a hole she never knew was there. In a day, her boy had become her boys, her son had become her sons. By the time Shane and Ilya had returned to their cottage, Yuna had immigration websites pulled up on her laptop and Russian language programs on her phone.

So Yuna didn’t mean it lightly when after watching Ilya’s media response, she said she wanted to reach through the screen, cup his face in her hands, and with all the love in her heart, tell her son-in-law to grow a fucking spine and an ounce of self-respect.

Because her son(s) deserved the best. But never, ever, ever should they have to beg for the best. Yuna had emphasized that to Shane growing up: that he owed it to himself to give things his all, but if others denied him the recognition he deserved, then fuck them. Fuck them right up the ass, walk away, and team up with their competition to drive them out of business.

It’s for this reason that Yuna hadn’t bought any Metros merchandise since 2018 when Shane told her about Montreal’s lukewarm reaction to him coming out. It’s for this reason that Shane didn’t get more than a raised eyebrow when Ilya unknowingly tattled on how he got his insider knowledge on his rival’s contract details. It’s for this reason that Yuna had five statements and dozens of emails to sponsors drafted before Shane had even told her he wasn’t resigning with Montreal.

Because her son deserved the best, and never should he have to beg for it. And the Montreal Metros had wanted him to beg. Beg not for higher pay or a better contract, oh no. No, those bastards had wanted Shane Hollander to beg for less than the basics.

Hayden had been kind enough to pass along the photos of Shane’s stall after his ex-teammates were through with it, forward recent emails from management, and send screenshots from group chats. Hundreds of dollars of equipment had been destroyed beyond repair. Some of the most foul remarks Yuna had ever laid eyes upon were directed towards her son by the men he had called friends and teammates for nearly a decade. And if Shane hadn’t had concrete proof of what a player of his caliber was owed—if Shane hadn’t been able to wield Ilya’s contract details like a bludgeon—Yuna knows Coach Theriault and GM Bergadine would’ve paid him the minimum they could get away with and not a penny more.

So as much as it pains her to do so, Yuna Hollander was officially turning her back on the Metros as a franchise. After today, she couldn’t stomach the thought of donning her collector-edition blue jerseys to another home game at the Bell Center. 

Because Shane deserved better. Shane deserved the best. And clearly she wasn’t the only one to think so if a star captain of a rival team in the middle of a playoff run was willing to beg her son to sign with them.

And then Yuna remembered that said captain was Ilya and she cycled back around to wanting to shake some sense into his head because ‘Honey, we’re better than that. We do not beg others for things, we’re the ones that get begged.’

Yuna felt David place two mugs of hot chocolate on the table. Without lifting her head from the table’s surface, she stirred it thrice, waited for her husband to add the customary twenty-four mini marshmallows, stirred five times, and began counting the one-hundred-and-five seconds required to cool it to her liking. Yuna still didn’t raise her head, but she knew Shane was cupping his hands around his mug to center himself on its warmth. He would likely pass the drink off to his father, who preferred room-temperature beverages. 

Or maybe he’d drink it, signalling a possible need for DEFCON 3 calming measures. 

Yuna honestly didn’t know exactly what he needed right now. It had been a bit of a day.

“Do I even want to check social media right now?” Shane asked into the table.

“Farah hasn’t emailed since your statement was released, so we will assume good things until proven otherwise,” David said, checking all three of their phones.

He just set the phones back down and turned to check the cookies in the oven when one of them began to ring. Yuna and Shane both groaned but finally lifted their heads a few centimeters to see Lily💖 glowing on the screen. Shane looked at the phone, looked at where he was perched in his chair with slippers, a fuzzy robe, and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and then hit ‘accept,’ immediately followed by ‘speaker.’

“Hello, moya dragotsennost,” Ilya crooned, “Did you see my sexy, sexy interview where I begged so well for you?”

“Hi, son,” David called, “Did you do the crossword today?”

“Mostly done,” Ilya said, backpedaling, “What is thirteen across? Like bagpipes and wetlands?”

“Marsh.”

“Spasibo. Is Shane there?”

“‘m here,” her son grumbled. “Behave. Dad’s making Mom and I cookies.”

There was a soft gasp on the other end of the line. “Oh no. DEFCON 4?”

Instead of responding, Shane took a very pointed slurp of hot chocolate.

“DEFCON 3?!” Ilya shrieked, “Did I do this? I should’ve stopped at Mama Yuna-approved answer; I only meant to tease, not to panic.”

“It’s fine, Ilya. Your interview’s actually probably stopped me from spiraling. Today has been…. a lot.”

“Today should not have been ‘a lot,’” Ilya shot back, “You told me plan: you and 15th-best Metro go to clean out locker for the season. You drive to Ottawa to get lunch with parents. Send me good luck texts as is custom and remind me losing to Toronto is great embarrassment. Becoming unrepentant free agent was not part of plan. What happened?”

“This really isn’t a conversation I want to have over the phone. And I don’t want to psyche you out in the middle of a series, either.”

“It is as you reminded me this morning: Toronto Guardians are biggest joke in league. How they knocked out Washington is mystery,” Ilya said, “Raiders could send out fourth line and goalie from AHL and we would still win. Tell me.”

Shane sighed. “I’m still not going to get into all of the details, but long story short, I’m threatening to file suit against Montreal.”

There was a moment of pressing silence on the other end of the line followed by a spew of Russian and English expletives.

“What did they do?!” Ilya growled.

“A bunch of bullshit, some of which I’ve just found out about, some of which I didn’t tell anyone about because I thought I could handle it, and a lot of which I need to probably unpack because looking back Montreal definitely boiled me like a frog.”

“What? What do frogs have to do with things? Did they dump boiling water on you?”

“No, it’s a…. it’s a metaphor, Ilya. About how if you dump a frog in boiling water, they’ll jump out, but if you dump them in cool water before slowly turning up the heat—it doesn’t matter!” Shane snapped, “What matters is I’m no longer a Montreal Metro, and even if it kind of breaks my heart, nothing and no one can make me go back. I’m getting testimony from custodial staff, equipment management, that one legal intern who saved our asses with the relationship disclosure, and anyone else Hayden and I can think of going forward. We’ll get a case together and let our lawyers go through it. If they think it’s worth charging on, we’ll do that, but if it’s not, it’ll probably be enough to leverage against management if they try to pull anything.”

“Hm.”

“What? What’s that ‘hm’ about?” Shane asked.

“You mention Pike and only Pike. Were teammates that bad? No other friends in locker room?"

Shane squirmed in his seat.

“I do believe that falls under the category of ‘didn’t want to tell you because he thought he could handle it,’” Yuna said as he stayed silent, “I will also add that besides Hayden, only J.J. Boiziau has attempted to reach out in any positive capacity, and independently emailed Farah to possibly discuss misconduct of Montreal’s management. We’re letting the lawyers handle that.”

“Hm,” Ilya hummed again, “Well, if your team wants to act like spineless slugs, is their prerogative. But I do think there are others who would like to be much better teammates.” There was the sound of footsteps and a door swinging open. “Say hello, boys!”

“HI HOLLANDER!” came a cacophony of voices.

Shane bolted a bit straighter in his seat. “Jesus, do you have the entire team there?”

“No, only most of team,” Ilya said, “Kohn and Varky both have tiny babies and wives they promised to help. Rest is here to be like me and beg for your hand in hockey matrimony.”

“And we think we’ve figured something out,” cut in a new voice, “Hi, Hollander, I’m Sebbin.”

“Seven goals and nineteen assists so far this season, with a plus-seventeen plus-minus rating at the end of the regular season,” Shane rattled off, “I’m familiar.”

There was an awed ‘holy fucking shit’ and a whispered ‘ESPN wasn’t joking about that hockey IQ,’ that Sebbin talked over.

“So we’ve been crunching numbers on our end,” he explained, “And Roz isn’t the only one with a contract expiring this year. I’m willing to negotiate lower pay in return for more years on the ice, same as Aud. And we got a guy leaving.”

“Our big, beautiful Zadonsky is retiring before Scott Hunter, oldest man alive. Is tragedy,” Ilya agreed.

“Me too.”

It was chaos on the other end of the line as the Boston team passed around the phone. Once it died down enough, a new voice got on the line and explained. 

“Hi, Hollander, it’s Johansson—” “Eleven goals, fifty assists at the end of the regulated season. Only played sixty-nine games due to injury.” “—and my wife and I agreed that my third concussion would be my last. So this is my final season as a Raider.”

“So Jojo’s contract will give $5,000,000 and Zadonsky will give $3,200,000,” Ilya explained, “And if Audi and Sebs each take small paycut of $500,000 each, that’s $9,200,000 for you to come to Boston and stay under cap space. I know, I know: you are worth more. But I am still top-paid player on team and promise to be very generous sugar daddy once we are wed.”

“But that leaves a pretty big hole in defense,” Shane pointed out.

“That’s what the draft’s for!” a new voice exclaimed.

“There aren’t many promising defensemen in the current draftpool,” Yuna countered, “And those that would fit will most likely be drafted before Boston gets to them. It would be better to trade for defense, which again bumps up the cap.”

“We could still bring up a pair of guys from the Bandits!” another voice called.

“Yeah, we have all of next year’s training to rearrange our lines and find some fits from rookies and AHL players. We can totally whip our defense into shape.”

“And you’re sure two pro hockey players are willing to lose out on money to bring me in?” Shane asked.

“Hollander, listen.” Yuna recognized the voice this time: Marleau, who had also been on press when Ilya gave his (embarrassing for him, justified for Shane) speech. “We’ve known about you and Roz since March, and it took all of two days for us to realize that our captain would accept a salary of five bottle caps and a bent coat hanger if it meant playing on the same team as you. We were all resigning ourselves to Montreal’s reigning dynasty, and now….”

“And now the Metros have fucked themselves over so hard, they’ll be walking with a limp for years,” cut in St. Simon, the other player from the infamous press scrum, “And Boston wants to shoot their shot. We can’t guarantee anything about management or ownership, but you and Roz have the locker room and the coaching staff behind you, one hundred percent. Roz won’t have to move, and you two don’t have to ship yourselves out to Buffalo or Arizona or some other shitty team that needs years of rebuilding.”

Yuna looked up from the phone and at Shane. Her son’s expression gave nothing away as he sipped at his hot chocolate and thought.

“I’m not promising anything,” he began slowly. The two dozen grown men on the other line waited with bated breath as he continued. “I want to consider my options carefully, and frankly, I’d rather stay on a Canadian team if I could. But…”

“But….” Ilya urged.

“But the Raiders’ interest is certainly recognized and will be taken into consideration.” Whoops and hollers sounded from the phone speaker as Shane slurped his hot chocolate. “I’d recommend you not bring this up again until free agency officially starts. The last thing any of us want is to be accused of tampering. And besides, I’m not the one you all need to convince.”

And without another thought, her son slid the phone across the table towards her.

“If you ever want me to step foot in the TD Garden as anything but a visiting opponent, you need to win over my manager, the Boston Raiders’ number one hater. Everyone,” Shane called, “Say hello to my mom.”

There was a bit of shuffling, a moment of quiet, and then, “HELLO, MRS. HOLLANDER!”

“Hello, boys,” Yuna chuckled, taking a sip of her own drink.

“Who’s gonna—I don’t—okay. Uhm. Mrs. Hollander. Ma’am. Would you consider maybe, possibly, letting Shane play on the Boston Raiders?”

Yuna had to hide a laugh into her mug. God, St. Simon sounded just like the neighborhood kids asking if her son was done with his homework and could play a pick-up game at the local pond. The mental image of twenty or so hulking men gathered around her front porch, eagerly praying for a ‘yes,’ was enough for her to completely ignore her knee-jerk hatred towards their team.

That, and the fact that Boston wasn’t her least-favorite team anymore. Not with the Metros still active.

“Despite what Shane just told you, my blessing isn’t the be-all end-all of where my son plays,” Yuna said, “But if you want my approval, there is something I think you all could do.”

“Anything. Name it.”

Yuna wondered if they would regret that promise before pushing any doubt away. After all, her son(s) deserved the best. And nothing was better than the best team in the league.

“I want you boys,” Yuna said, accepting a warm cookie from David’s tray, “To win the Stanley Cup.”

Chapter End Notes

Raiders: We all finished our homework (figured out how to balance the salary cap), did our chores (found new players to replace the ones we're losing), and promise to be good (won't ever treat Shane and Ilya like the Metr*s or other assholes in the MLH). Can your son please play with us now? 👉👈🥺🥺🥺🥺
Yuna: Hmmmm...... not on a schoolnight. Ask again on the weekend.
Raiders: !!!!!!!!!!!
Raiders: THAT'S NOT A NO!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

*****

Sorry for the abuse of italics in this chapter! It probably will happen again <3

Hope you enjoyed the Yuna POV! I dearly love her character and especially love it when she's allowed to be 1000% invovled in things because that's how she loves! Let her make spreadsheets and research topics in-depth and plan ten years into the future! It's how she shows she cares!

Anyway, the entire time I was picturing the Boston Raider's team like:

Chapter 4: Are Tweets Legally Binding?

Chapter Summary

Rose (10): okay RIP to the metros 2021 playoffs. you were too beautiful died too soon etc etc

Rose (10): when can i kidnap my bestie and use his bottom eyes to lure me in a new boyfriend?

Jackie (10): See you claim to have no idea how your boyfriends keep coming out gay

Jackie (10): But then you say things like that and I have to wonder

Chapter Notes

MLH Official @MLH

And after an exciting game tonight, that’s another win for the Boston Raiders, putting them up 2-0 in the series. Final score: 7-0.

6:47 PM | June 2, 2021 | 3.3K💬 | 16K🔃 | 103K🩵

⬇️ Load Comments ⬇️

Boston Raiders MLH✅ @RaidersOfficial

See you in Toronto.

6:47 PM | June 2, 2021 | 2.4K💬 | 3.5K🔃 | 98K🩵

 

there’s a RAIDER loose in the METRO @bear-kisser81

Stone Fucking COLD

6:51 PM | June 2, 2021 | 994💬 | 1.9K🔃 | 75K🩵

 

hollanov winning? always @hollanovs-girl

somebody tell the guardians to update their wills because jesus fucking christ the raiders were playing like they were all replaced by the terminator tonight

6:55 PM | June 2, 2021 | 891💬 | 1.2K🔃 | 68K🩵

watch womens hockey cowards @hollander4lesbians

a win for the team of himbos? led by a bi chaos gremlin? on the first playoff game of pride month? it’s more likely than you think!

6:49 PM | June 2, 2021 | 421K💬 | 2.4K🔃 | 19K🩵

skips lovechild @scott-hunter-invented-hockey

If the Admirals win tomorrow, we are one step closer to the queer MLH conference finals of my dreams

[Image description: a close-up of Kronk from the Emperor’s New Groove. Subtitles on the image read “Oh, yeah. It’s all coming together.”]

7:06 PM | June 2, 2021 | 4.8K💬 | 13K🔃 | 54K🩵

raiders 4 life @takealookatmycannon

A SHUTOUT FOR KOSLOV I KNOW THAT’S RIGHT!!!! GOALIE FANS HOW WE FEELING?

7:11 PM | June 2, 2021 | 498💬 | 1K🔃 | 12K🩵

Haaaaaayyyyyyyyyyeeeesssssss @hayes_is_a_superhero

Fuckin’ fantastic, you funky little Raiders fan!

7:13 PM | June 2, 2021 | 224💬 | 558🔃 | 2K🩵

 

raiders 4 life @takealookatmycannon

yooooo a centaurs fan! my hockey cousin, how are you doing?

7:17 PM | June 2, 2021 | 54💬 | 107🔃 | 1K🩵

 

Haaaaaayyyyyyyyyyeeeesssssss @hayes_is_a_superhero

My team just won its first playoff series in over ten years! How do you THINK I’m doing babes?

7:22 PM | June 2, 2021 | 886💬 | 2.5K🔃 | 21K🩵

 

raiders 4 life @takealookatmycannon

fair enough. tell you what i really want a raiders/centaurs conference finals so i root for your guys against ny, you root for my guys against toronto deal? 🫱

7:25 PM | June 2, 2021 | 798💬 | 2.1K🔃 | 18K🩵

 

Haaaaaayyyyyyyyyyeeeesssssss @hayes_is_a_superhero

Deal 🤝

7:28 PM | June 2, 2021 | 1.2K💬 | 3.2K🔃 | 38K🩵

 

Shane’s Right Skate @hollander24eva

I can’t wait until 5 years from now when new hockey fans get on MLH Twitter and are confused about how every divisional rival wants the other dead, meanwhile the Raiders/Centaurs bromance is in the corner like:

[Image description: Wanda and Cosmo from The Fairly OddParents. Subtitles on image read “We’re two halves of a whole idiot”]

7:34 PM | June 2, 2021 | 3K💬 | 6K🔃 | 42K🩵

Cillian Cadyn✅ @ccadyn-hockey

Yes, hi, hello, @Yuna_Hollander. Feel free to tell me to jump off a cliff if this is an inconvenience, but can we maybe please get what you discussed yesterday in writing?

7:49 PM | June 2, 2021 | 22K💬 | 39K🔃 | 151K🩵 

Cliff Marleau✅ @CMarleau_7

Rookie what the hell are you doing

7:51 PM | June 2, 2021 | 15K💬 | 19K🔃 | 99K🩵

 

Cillian Cadyn✅ @ccadyn-hockey

My big sister told me when I came to America to make sure I got everything in writing because it’s a “bitch-ass country riddled with human rights violations dressed up as laws” and that everything important should have a paper trail. And I don’t know about you, but getting ***** ********* seems kind of important.

7:58 PM | June 2, 2021 | 27K💬 | 45K🔃 | 202K🩵

 

raiders 4 life @takealookatmycannon

hold up! 👀

8:00 PM | June 2, 2021 | 1K💬 | 12K🔃 | 26K🩵

 

Boston Babe @raiders-cup2021

IS THIS ABOUT WHAT I THINK IT’S ABOUT???????

8:02 PM | June 2, 2021 | 339💬 | 618🔃 | 10K🩵

 

disco dancin’ 🕺@cha-cha-charlie

I’d like to buy a vowel

8:05 PM | June 2, 2021 | 2.2K💬 | 15K🔃 | 37K🩵

Yuna Hollander✅ @Yuna_Hollander

@ccadyn-hockey While your sister is correct in being vigilant in regards to keeping proper records of deals, negotiations, and related work meetings, I would recommend keeping more delicate situations like this private going forward. Breaking confidentiality clauses or NDAs can prove even more disastrous than a lack of a paper trail. That said:

[Image description: a screenshot of a PDF file. The file reads: 

“I, Yuna Hollander, being of sound mind and body, do agree to the following:

1. Should the Boston Raiders win the 2020/2021 MLH Finals and be awarded the Stanley Cup, I shall grant my blessing/approval for my son, Shane Hollander, to be signed to their team.
   1. Note: my blessing/approval is not the deciding factor that will determine Shane Hollander’s future MLH placement. He is an adult of sound mind and body, capable of making his own choices.
2. Should the Boston Raiders win the 2020/2021 MLH Finals and be awarded the Stanley Cup, I shall grant my blessing/approval for my son-in-law, Ilya Rozanov, to be resigned to their team.
   1. Note: my blessing/approval is not the deciding factor that will determine Ilya Rozanov’s future MLH placement. He is an adult of sound mind and body, capable of making his own choices.
3. Should Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov be (re)signed to the Boston Raiders, I am not responsible for any PDA said players may express throughout their time on said team.
4. Should Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov be (re)signed to the Boston Raiders, I am allowed three (3) moments of grace per MLH season wherein I shall be forgiven for any badmouthing of the Boston Raiders I may indulge in before I remember that the Boston Raiders are no longer my least favorite MLH team.

This contract shall be signed on the behalf of Yuna Hollander by Yuna Hollander and effective as of the date written below:

Yuna Hollander

June 2, 2021”]

8:07 PM | June 2, 2021 | 42K💬 | 109K🔃 | 451K🩵

Cillian Cadyn✅ @ccadyn-hockey

Thank you, Blessed Yudonna 🙏

8:11 PM | June 2, 2021 | 19K💬 | 29K🔃 | 178K🩵

 

Connor^2 + s @Connor(s)_Raiders24

Yudonna????

8:14 PM | June 2, 2021 | 12K💬 | 18K🔃 | 111K🩵

 

Cillian Cadyn✅ @ccadyn-hockey

Yuna + Madonna = Yudonna, Blessed Mother of Hockey Jesus. 

8:17 PM | June 2, 2021 | 27K💬 | 69K🔃 | 334K🩵

 

Graham Kane ✅ @GrahamKane_18

smh. it’s like these guys haven’t ever attended SHHurch. are they even pro hockey players?

8:21 PM | June 2, 2021 | 21K💬 | 49K🔃 | 211K🩵

Graham Kane ✅ @GrahamKane_18

damn y’all are blowing up my notifications. since everyone’s so curious: if you want to go to SHHurch (Shane Hollander’s Hockey church), mass is held before every Ottawa Centaurs home game at @KadenYoung22 and @Charles-Holmberg41’s place, with a rotation of those two, me, @ccadyn-hockey, @Luca_Haas_11, and @LeonLaPointe66 presiding. no i don’t know if attending SHHurch will bless your playoff run. yes i will still be attending and praying to Hockey Jesus, the Blessed Yudonna, and St. David to lead us to the Stanley Cup. hope this helps!

8:44 PM | June 2, 2021 | 32K💬 | 79K🔃 | 286K🩵

agatha step on me @girlgenius-sparkikus

@hollander24eva babe wake up, new national Canadian religion just dropped

8:51 PM | June 2, 2021 | 2.6K💬 | 9.6K🔃 | 25K🩵

*****

five 10s and their pet 5

Rose (10): okay RIP to the metros 2021 playoffs. you were too beautiful died too soon etc etc

Rose (10): when can i kidnap my bestie and use his bottom eyes to lure me in a new boyfriend?

Jackie (10): See you claim to have no idea how your boyfriends keep coming out gay

Jackie (10): But then you say things like that and I have to wonder

Ilya (10): NO!!!!!!

Ilya (10): NO MAN GETS TO GAZE LOVINGLY INTO SHANE’S BEAUTIFUL BOTTOM EYES EXCEPT FOR ME 😡😡😡😡😡

Ilya (10): don’t make me demote you to second 5, landry i will do this 😤😤😤

Shane (10): Ignore my fiance

Hayden (5): We always do

Shane (10): My schedule’s wide open and my travel points are ready to be cashed.

Shane (10): Just tell me where and I’ll be ready to book a flight.

Shane (10): I’m taking you up on every single one of your offered wine & bitching nights.

Shane (10): I’ve been told by reliable sources that trash-talking homophobic and/or racist coworkers can be “freeing” and "therapeutic."

Shane (10): And I may or may not REALLY need that right now.

Rose (10): awwwww, bestie 🥺

Rose (10): i’m currently in LA right now for ❌ but the wrap party was a few nights ago

Rose (10): i can either meet you in chicago for some big city fun or you can ship yourself direct to the landry household in detroit where mom will stuff you full of vegan lasagna

Rose (10): then we can fly to toronto together to see your boy toy’s team kill the guardians live and in person in game 4

Shane (10): We’ll text privately to figure out the details.

Shane (10): Thank you 💙

Rose (10): 💜

Ilya (10): i guess if moy solnyshko likes you you can keep breathing privileges 🙄

Ilya (10): for now

Svetlana (10): I think we moved passed the “new boyfriend” thing too quickly.

Svetlana (10): Whatever happened to Tyler?

Jackie (10): If we’re just basing it on previous statistics, I have a wild guess

Rose (10): surprisingly, you’re wrong!

Hayden (5): Really? He wasn’t gay????

Rose (10): no he was!

Rose (10): that’s just not why we broke up!

Rose (10): we actually broke up because i found him in bed with adrian dela cruz 🫠

Jackie (10): Fucking bastard!

Svetlana (10): Mudila yobaniy!

Hayden (5): Isn’t he engaged???? 😬

Rose (10): yep! so if anyone has a way to contact justin green, that’d be great

Ilya (10): sveta and i have connections we will figure things out for you

Ilya (10): also let us know if you want ex’s legs broken and if so in how many places

Rose (10): thank you guys! feeling the love 🥰

Shane (10): Book the plans for Chicago. We are getting you a rebound

Jackie (10): I mean….

Jackie (10): You can sure TRY

Rose (10): sorry shane but you might be the only person with a worse gaydar than me

Rose (10): and mine notoriously doesn’t kick in until after the target and i have already reached 3rd base

Svetlana (10): Can’t you just date women? It’ll save you a lot of headaches if your partner already knows they’re gay going in

Rose (10): i’ll reiterate

Rose (10): the gaydar doesn’t kick in until after we’ve already hit 3rd base 😅

Jackie (10): Oh there is 1000% a story there

Rose (10): a lady doesn’t kiss and tell 😉

Ilya (10): *finger and tell

Svetlana (10): **eat pussy and tell

Rose (10): ANYWAYS

Rose (10): i think a recharge with shane is exactly what the doctor ordered

Rose (10): i can feel myself getting desperate. i’m this 🤏 close to trying with another pro hockey player

Ilya (10): and even then you chose the gayest player in mlh

Shane (10): Ilya.

Ilya (10): what i meant was do you want pre-approved players?

Ilya (10): i promise to give ones who aren’t secretly gay

Ilya (10): however☝️maybe secretly bi 

Rose (10): after my dating history? i’ll fucking take it

Ilya (10): wonderful will send list with shane

Ilya (10): now can my beautiful sexy friends (and pike) get off phones already? i have victory to celebrate

Hayden (5): Jacs already signed off to start on bedtime and I’m about to join her. Goodnight!

Rose (10): goodnight! shane i’ll send you flight and hotel details once things are booked

Svetlana (10): And I’ll start on finding Justin Green’s contact. Noch’

Shane (10): ….

Shane (10): Call in twenty?

Ilya (10): see you soon 😘🍑🥵🍆💦🥰

Shane (10): ....

Shane (10): 🫩

Chapter End Notes

Bit of a shorter chapter this time, but I think one of my favorites I have planned.

Notes!

1.) I know I'm not the first person to make the "Shane Hollander = Hockey Jesus" joke, but as someone who was raised Catholic, I couldn't resist expanding on it to include Yuna and David. So now we've got the Blessed Yudonna and St. David Hollander, as recognized by the SHHurch!

2.) Cillian Cadyn and Graham Kane are Boston's rookies! I pulled their last names and numbers from the fan wiki, but everything else is my own creation.

Cillian Cadyn: #19, defenseman, native Irishman who came to the US to play in the MLH. Has a kick-ass older sister currently studying at university in Dublin. Is settling well in Boston, but will insist to his dying breath that everything from back home is better. If I previously referred to Cadyn as one of the older players taking a pay cut in chapter 3: no, I didn't, and you can't prove shit!

Graham Kane: #57, left-wing, African American from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The funniest of the six rookies. Has taken chirping notes from Ilya and can ragebait nearly anyone into dropping gloves, but never retaliates physically because he prefers for Boston to score on the power play instead. Isn't willing to acknowledge it, but he's got the Favorite Child status from the rest of the Raiders.

3.) I know everyone shits on Shane's gaydar, and rightfully so, but I NEED everyone to wake up and realize that Rose "All My Ex-Boyfriends Are Gay" Landry's gaydar is probably so so much worse. She's getting match-made, I promise, I just haven't figured out who, yet.

4.) Please let me know if the pics aren't showing up. There're image descriptions already included in case they don't.

5.) I got a few comments asking already, but we actually haven't seen the joke that inspired/compelled me to write this fic yet. I'll tell you when we hit the chapter the joke is in, but it isn't in this one, or the previous three.

6.) Virtual cookie to anyone who can figure out the cause of the Raiders/Centaurs bromance. It's not exactly a spoiler, and I don't think I've really dropped any hints, but I'm sure there're people who can reverse-engineer it. To everyone else, just be patient, trust you'll learn the lore eventually, and enjoy the ride :)

7.) And, as always, thanks for reading <3