Montreal Metros Go Broke For Woke

By: 409_conflict

They may not have any idea how to do it, but there’s no way in hell the Montreal Metros are going to risk losing their Captain to a more accepting team. Full of determination, grit, open hearts, and absolutely no savvy, this team is going to learn how to be allies, come hell or high water.

Hayden: did anyone do the optional inclusivity training last season?
J.J. Boizeau: no
Lawrence Olsson: no
Gilbert Comeau: no
Petro Andropov: no
Matty Wilson: no
Cam Stedlund: no
Albert Schneider: no
Aleks Miitka: no
Georges Gagnon: no
Patrice Drapeau: no
Hayden: excellent, we’re nailing this so far

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Aleks Miitka: this is ridiculous, there are at least five different group chats happening right now; let us just have one
Georges Gagnon: thank fuck, I can’t keep track of all this
J.J. Boiziau: okay but, just to be clear; does anyone have a problem with Hollzy being gay?; because if you do you should find a new group chat
Hayden: yeah, like the one for the Siberian team I will have you traded to
Matty Wilson: nah man
Albert Schneider: no problems here
Lawrence Olsson: all good
Petro Andropov: it is fine to be gay
Georges Gagnon: Andropov, isn’t it illegal to be gay in russia?
Petro Andropov: how many times must I say; I am Ukrainian
Gilbert Comeau: i’m still not totally sure I get the difference
Matty Wilson: Andropov is typing …
Cam Stedlund: Andropov is still typing
Matty Wilson: Andropov AND Pike are typing!!!!
Hayden: Comeau, shut the fuck up and read a newspaper; Andropov, I apologise AGAIN for our team; everyone here only barely managed to graduate high school
Lawrence Olsson: … if that
Petro Andropov: it does help to know that you are all very dumb
Patrice Drapeau: Comeau is typing …
Matty Wilson: don’t you dare defend yourself you dummy
Gilbert Comeau: shut up; okay i guess this isn’t embarrassing anymore since everyone already thinks i’m a dumbass; but I was asking in one of the other group chats before; is there a guide to how to hang around gay people or something like that?
Cam Stedlund: jfc
Aleks Miitka: wow
Albert Schneider: no I get it dude; I don’t want to fuck this up with Hollzy
Gilbert Comeau: yes, exactly
Petro Andropov: and you will, of course; since you do not even realize Ukraine and Russia are fighting a war; you probably still believe all gay men care about fashion and can sing every word of Rent
Cam Stedlund: feel better man?
Petro Andropov: yes actually
Gilbert Comeau: yeah, I know i’m a dumbass; that’s why i’m freaked about offending Hollzy
Patrice Drapeau: yeah that’s actually good point; it's a bit weird that he's gay; but this is the second last season left on his contract; if we fuck this up he could move to New York or LA or something
Lawrence Olsson: also, like; wanting to be a good person or some shit?
Patrice Drapeau: sure potato potahto
Hayden: choosing to ignore that; did anyone do the optional inclusivity training last season?
J.J. Boiziau: no
Lawrence Olsson: no
Gilbert Comeau: no
Petro Andropov: no
Matty Wilson: no
Cam Stedlund: no
Albert Schneider: no
Aleks Miitka: no
Georges Gagnon: no
Patrice Drapeau: no
Hayden: excellent, we’re nailing this so far; JJ could your girlfriend help us out?; isn’t she a gender studies major?
J.J. Boiziau: dude that’s kind of offensive; just because she’s a student, doesn’t mean she’s doing women’s studies??; Christie studies electrical engineering
Aleks Miitka: #girlpower
Hayden: who the fuck is Christie?; I was referring to Angelique
J.J. Boiziau: oh, right; yeah, we split
Hayden: when????? I literally spent twenty minutes at the bar talking to Angelique three nights ago
J.J. Boiziau: oh shit, really?; we broke up two weeks ago; do you think she’s stalking me?
Georges Gagnon: ahem
Hayden: right, we’re gonna table that; anyone else know anyone who can teach us how not to scare Hollzy away?
Matty Wilson: no, but can I request to be added to whichever group chat gets made to figure out if Boiziau’s being stalked by an ex with a gender studies major?
Patrice Drapeau: ditto
Cam Stedlund: same
J.J. Boiziau: ONE PROBLEM AT A TIME
Hayden: i’m gonna email HR and see if they have the slides or whatever from the training none of us attended; try not to go all Fatal Attraction while i’m gone

Inclusivity Training

Inbox ☓

Hayden Pike 3:04 PM (now)
To: Julia Longano▼

Hi Julia,

Bit of an odd request. Would it be possible to get a copy of the presentation from the “Allyship and Inclusivity Training Seminar” from last season?
Also, I think the team would be interested in attending the seminar if it were to be repeated. Is that something you could help organize?

Thanks,
Hayden Pike

Matty Wilson: place your bets people

Re: Inclusivity Training

Inbox ☓

Julia Longano 3:09 PM (now)
To: me▼

Hello Hayden,

Of course! Please see attached the slide deck from the seminar. I’d be happy to organize another training workshop - I’ll reach out to the organization we contract for these sessions and check their availability.

Best wishes,
Julia Longano
Learning and Development Partner, Montreal Metros

^{2017_Metros_Inclusivity_Training_final.ppt}

Cam Stedlund: place your bets here too; i'm going poli sci this round

Re: Re: Inclusivity Training

Inbox ☓

Hayden Pike 3:13 PM (now)
To: Julia Longano▼

Thanks so much for this Julia.

I’ve just had a flick through the presentation, and I have a small concern that this might be a bit too intellectual for the team.
Actually, you know what, I’m just going to say it plainly: I think we’re going to be too dumb to understand the training. Is there maybe a version of the workshops that’s aimed at teenagers? Or children? That might have a better chance at getting the message through.

Thanks,
Hayden Pike

Hayden: buckle up fuckers; who’s ready to get the most basic dummy’s guide to being an ally

Re: Re: Re: Inclusivity Training

Inbox ☓

Julia Longano 3:14 PM (now)
To: me▼

Hey Hayden,

I appreciate your stating of your concern so plainly. I’ll see what we can do.

Best,
Julia Longano
Learning and Development Partner, Montreal Metros

Hayden: buckle up fuckers; who’s ready to get the most basic dummy’s guide to being an ally
Aleks Miitka: yes I am ready
Petro Andropov: let’s go
Cam Stedlund: hit me
Gilbert Comeau: do it Pike
Hayden: i’ve forwarded you all the presentation slides; but I know it’s been a long time since any of you read anything longer than a tweet; so here’s the short version; Educate yourself: Start by exploring available resources before reaching out to the people you wish to be an ally for. While it’s important to engage these people, it’s also important to remember that it’s not their responsibility to educate you.; Use Your Privilege: Leverage your position to challenge systemic inequality and advocate for change in spaces where marginalized voices may be excluded.; Amplify Others’ Voices: The role of the Ally is to amplify - to source a megaphone so that the voices of the marginalized cannot be ignored. Don’t centre yourself or speak on their behalf.; Call Out Inappropriate Behavior: Speak up when you hear people using stereotypes, discriminatory language, or offensive jokes.; Be Consistent: Allies stand in solidarity in all times, not just when it’s convenient. Your support is needed more than ever when it’s difficult or embarrassing to speak up.; Accept Feedback: Everyone makes mistakes. A good ally will accept their mistake, apologize, learn, and correct their behavior.; Everyday Steps: Build relationships with people in marginalized communities, consume media created by diverse voices, support community-led programs, and display your support with pride.
Patrice Drapeau: I think I might need to read this a few times
Georges Gagnon: same
Matty Wilson: can we regroup tomorrow?
Hayden: 👍

“What are you doing?” Shane asked, with a face of abject horror. Although that wasn’t anything new. Hayden had seen that face a million times, most recently when Wilson casually mentioned he bought his underwear at Walmart.

“Just taping up!”

“Are you out of regular tape, dude? You can use some of mine.”

“Nah, man. I like this one.” Hayden tore off the end with his teeth, making Shane wince again. “And you know the twins just fuckin’ love rainbows.”

“Pride Night isn’t for, like, months.”

“I mean, there’s no rule that says rainbow tape's only for Pride Night, is there?” Hayden frowned. “Wait, shit. There isn’t, is there? ‘Cause that’s so fucked. We cou—”

“No. No. No rule. But … Hayden, that tape sucks. You know that tape sucks.”

Hayden shrugged. “Whatever dude. I like what I like, and you do you, y’know?”

He watched Shane valiantly struggle to stop being a perfectionist know-it-all, achieving it only by physically removing himself from Hayden’s proximity. That was alright. Hayden knew you can’t change who you are.

@JJBoiziau ✔️ | Looking forward to showing the @NewYorkAdmirals who’s coming for the Cup this season. You’ll need all the luck you can get @ScottHunter - there’s a great smoothie shop opposite the Bell Centre 🥤 (BYO boyfriend) #GoMetrosGo

^{👍 6.5k | Reply}

^{10:17AM • October 28, 2017}

@tres_tomatitos | The only explanation I have for Montreal v. New York is that this team is so superstitious, they’ve decided to out-gay the Admirals, just in case that’s what won them the Cup last season

^{👍 712 | Reply}

^{11:24PM • October 28, 2017}

Montreal Metros Go Broke For Woke

October 29 2017 7:59am

Brendan Watson

Despite the thousands and thousands of words written over the last five months, making every prediction under the sun about how Scott Hunter’s dramatic and romantic kiss on the ice would impact homophobia and queer visibility in the NHL: no one anticipated this.

There have been platitudes, there have been individual public messages of support, there has been highly visible silence, but until Saturday night, there had not been a team of hockey players who each wore a t-shirt emblazoned #LoveIsLove underneath their game day suits when they arrived and left the arena. Enter: the Montreal Metros.

Dozens of people with Twitter accounts and a predilection to weaponize them have questioned the Metros’ attempts to pivot to woke SJW allies this season. The cynical have decried this as an opportunistic attempt to ride the rainbow capitalist gravy train — and maybe they’re correct about that. But are we going to lob this accusation at every influential mover and shaker who tries to become a better person?

Regardless, the Metros are committed to the bit. All twenty players emerged from the locker room with rainbow tape wrapped around their sticks, and each one lined up to shake Scott Hunter’s hand before he left the rink (after breaking a four-game winning streak for the Admirals, going down to the Metros 2–1). Lip-readers, despite couching their analysis in cautions of possible errors, interpreted the Metros’ comments to Hunter as being ardently supportive. “You tell us if anyone gives you shit,” second line winger Lawrence Olsson was reported to say.

If this is the future of the NHL in the “politically correct” era, it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing at all.

Gilbert Comeau: is anyone else watching right now?
Cam Stedlund: you’d better fuckin believe I am
Hayden: what the fuck is happening
J.J. Boiziau: Boston’s trying to out-ally us; that’s what happening
Patrice Drapeau: those fucks
Matty Wilson: is that fucking GLITTER warpaint???
Hayden: Hunter looks like he’s about to cry; but I can’t tell if it’s happy or angry?
Petro Andropov: hold on, they’re wearing pride night shirts; I thought we can’t wear those for regular games?
Cam Stedlund: maybe they’re planning on eating the fines
Aleks Miitka: okay this means war; they think they can be more supportive than us?; we'll show them supportive
J.J. Boiziau: those bastards
Gilbert Comeau: Hunter looks so uncomfortable
Hayden: OH SHIT
Patrice Drapeau: Rozanov with the handshake turned cheek kiss
J.J. Boiziau: oh it’s war alright
Albert Schneider: fuck you Boston, we’re gonna put you to SHAME

@MetrosMitty ✔️ | Super happy to announce that the @MontrealMetros are heading to the @AsianRootsCollective’s drop-in volleyball game while we’re in #Toronto this weekend! Come join us to show your support for Asian-Canadian athletics!

^{👍 2.6k | Reply}

^{4:43PM • November 15, 2017}

Cam Stedlund: yo, Pike; question for ya
Hayden: i’m here
Cam Stedlund: so Coach was pretty fuckin clear that we’re not supposed to risk penalties tonight
Hayden: understatement
J.J. Boiziau: “anyone in the box is getting traded to Ottawa”; cruel and unusual punishment
Cam Stedlund: but what do we do if Toronto does what Toronto does every single game; start calling us cocksuckers and fags
Hayden: you don’t get a fucking penalty
Cam Stedlund: those rules said; stand in solidarity in all times, not just when it’s convenient
Hayden: ah fuck; fuck; I don’t know
Patrice Drapeau: 🤔
Aleks Miitka: hmm
Hayden: I think you’ll have to make your own minds up boys; I can’t tell you what to choose
Cam Stedlund: listen to your heart or some shit hey
J.J. Boiziau: poetry, man
Gilbert Comeau: this is some Sophie's Choice fuckery
Petro Andropov: have you watched that film?; she literally has to decide which of her children lives and dies; this is not the same situation
Lawrence Olsson: dude, spoilers
Petro Andropov: it was released before you were even born; it cannot be spoiled if it is old enough to buy alcohol
Gilbert Comeau: we should add it to the plane list
Aleks Miitka: this incredibly sad heartbreaking holocaust film?; great choice for team film, fantastic
Lawrence Olsson: wait hold up; this isn’t some anti-Jewish thing is it Mitty?
Aleks Miitka: wtf NO
Hayden: ok i’m breaking this chat up; meeting adjourned

Gilbert Comeau: Stepbrothers
Matty Wilson: Milk
Georges Gagnon: Terminator 2; The Big Lebowski
Lawrence Olsson: Sophie’s Choice

Listen to your heart or some shit, J.J. thought. Was this his heart speaking, ripping his gloves off and aiming his fist at Kent’s jaw? Around him, he was only dimly aware of the others, Hayden and Comeau and Andropov, in his periphery, racing towards the same decision, barely enough time for their ears to have processed limp-wrist cocksucker after their Capitaine had opened the scoring.

He got there first, which meant he’d bear the brunt of the penalties, and right now, his heart didn’t give a fuck. While he decided whether to keep hitting, or munificently let the others take their turn, he saw the rest of his team jumping off the bench, taking to the ice with bare knuckles.

Ces imbéciles, he thought affectionately, and since everyone else was tied up holding back the rest of the Guardians, he returned to his finest attempts at making sure Kent couldn’t move his jaw enough to speak another slur until they removed the wires from his face.

@GoComeau ✔️ | Hey Twitter, I want to make some gay friends. Anyone wanna hook a brother up? #ally #lgbt

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^{6:13PM • November 20, 2017}

@GreenAglet | there are no memes that adequately express how I feel
^{👍 7k | Reply}
^{6:14PM • November 20, 2017}
@readwith_zoe | #Community always provides #SixSeasonsAndAMovie

^{👍 2.2k | Reply}
^{6:16PM • November 20, 2017}
@GreenAglet | yep, there it is
^{👍 1.3k | Reply}
^{6:16PM • November 20, 2017}

“Yo, listen up!”

Every set of eyes in the Montreal locker room swivelled and pivoted to find Drapeau, standing on a bench and clapping his hands.

“I just wanted to say: at morning skate, I used the word ‘crazy’ when we were talking about Stedlund’s goal. I shouldn’t have done that, I know ‘crazy’ has been used in the past to,” — at this point, he glanced down at his phone, to reference a pre-written script he’d adapted off the internet — “denigrate people with mental health conditions. I want to apologize to you all, and I promise I’ll keep trying to be better.”

Shane looked around to try and find someone to confirm whether this was an hallucination. Except every one of his teammates, to a man, was beaming at Drapeau and sagely nodding. “Well done acknowledging that, dude,” Gagnon yelled.

Drapeau held up his hands in Christ-like grace. “If you wanna thank someone, thank Miitka,” he said solemnly. “He’s the one who pointed it out.”

“Mitty!” Comeau roared, and the team cheered and crowded around him to whack him on the back and jostle his shoulders, and the only person Shane was able to make eye contact with was the equipment manager, who also appeared to be questioning whether he’d accidentally taken LSD.

@MattWilsonHockey ✔️ | #Proud to be Canadian

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^{11:12AM • November 28, 2017}

@RealHaydenPike ✔️ | There’s always more work to be done, but this is a great step #LoveIsLove

^{👍 4.3k | Reply}

^{11:14AM • November 28, 2017}

@Stedlund14 ✔️ | First I’ve heard of two-spirit communities. It’s never too late to learn! #lgbtq

^{👍 1.3k | Reply}

^{11:15AM • November 28, 2017}

@DrapeauInGoal ✔️ | #proudcanadian

^{👍 3.8k | Reply}

^{11:28AM • November 28, 2017}

@LOLsson ✔️ | #diversity makes us stronger 💪

^{👍 2.4k | Reply}

^{11:40AM • November 28, 2017}

J.J. Boiziau: who had a 12 month peace bond?; you win the pool
Matty Wilson: pay up motherfuckers!!!

@stolemyheart | Story time: tried picking up a guy at Bar Le Stud last night, he told me very politely he was straight, but asked if I was interested in having a chat anyway

^{👍 341 | Reply}

^{10:52AM • December 8, 2019}

@stolemyheart | Bought me a drink and a plate of chicken wings and basically asked for my life story
^{👍 155 | Reply}
^{10:52AM • December 8, 2019}

@stolemyheart | Fast forward two hours and we’re crying over vodka sodas about suicide rates for queer teenagers
^{👍 201 | Reply}
^{10:53AM • December 8, 2019}

@stolemyheart | Swap phones numbers, big hug
^{👍 237 | Reply}
^{10:53AM • December 8, 2019}

@stolemyheart | Weird experience, but very life-affirming
^{👍 178 | Reply}
^{10:53AM • December 8, 2019}

@stolemyheart | This morning I show my brother our selfie and turns out it’s fucking @MontrealMetros player @MetrosMitty?????
^{👍 1.7k | Reply}
^{10:54AM • December 8, 2019}

Albert Schneider: I have a weird question
Hayden: let’s go bro, this chat’s the place for weird questions
Patrice Drapeau: better here than on Twitter
Albert Schneider: i’ve been feeling kind of bad that Hollzy’s so quiet in the locker room still; about hook-ups and shit; but I don’t really get gay sex beyond like 👉👌; how do I learn more about it without asking Cap?; since Pike said we shouldn't be asking Hollzy to teach us about being gay
J.J. Boiziau: oh i’ve got you; pornhub.com/v/5d277220-b866; pornhub.com/v/60d1e56e-2a69; pornhub.com/v/63217400-d5d5; pornhub.com/v/ccc6379e-40b6
Hayden: wow
Petro Andropov: I was just going to send you a YouTube video on dos and don’ts of gay sex; and J.J. comes swooping in with the pornos
J.J. Boiziau: everyone’s gone very quiet lololololol
Gilbert Comeau: well I can certainly say i’m more informed
Albert Schneider: alrighty; thanks JJ; are we 100% sure Hollzy’s not a virgin?; is it homophobic to say I can’t really picture him doing this?
Aleks Miitka: i’ve always pictured him as a celibate zen priest; regardless of sexuality
Hayden: he hasn’t talked to me about it before
J.J. Boiziau: he’s a rich hot superstar; I think it’s safe to assume he’s fucked
Petro Andropov: or been fucked
J.J. Boiziau: touché
Patrice Drapeau: is it crossing a line to ask which he prefers??
Hayden: YES; DO NOT DO THAT

Cam Stedlund: get your bets in

@mutinsfromthemoon | Can we talk about how hot it is when @ShaneHollander speaks French? It should be illegal for a man to be this sexy. How did he get so fluent?

^{👍 2.7k | Reply}

^{11:42PM • December 14, 2017}

@AlSchneider ✔️ | This is one step away from “How is his English so good?” Of course he speaks perfect French, our boy’s Canadian. Don’t be racist #microaggression
^{👍 11.6k | Reply}
^{11:56PM • December 14, 2017}

“I reckon I always play better after getting laid,” Schneider threw out there. Super casual. A super casual remark he’d super casually workshopped with Olsson and super casually rehearsed the tone of voice for before driving to practice. “Like: confident and relaxed, you know?”

Olsson picked up his cue: “Oh, for sure. Hey, Cap, you’re the hockey genius. Has that ever been researched?”

The brain and larynx of Shane Hollander were moving at the speed of a sloth wading across a bathtub of molasses. “Um. Not that. I. Know of?”

“Does it work like that for you? Playing better after sex?” Schneider turned away to locate and shrug on his jersey, in what was supposed to look like a fortuitous coincidence, but was specifically choreographed to let Hollzy blush in solitude.

“Um. Yeah. So. Not … really? I think I play better if … if I know I’m having sex after a game.”

Every single player not within Hollzy’s frame of view immediately picked up their phones and began typing.

“Oh, that’s cool. All that adrenaline, hey? Good for you, dude.” With one hand, Schneider offered his beet-red Captain a fist bump, and used the other to surreptitiously turn the phone in his pocket to silent.

@MattWilsonHockey ✔️ | I logged on today with the mission to #AmplifyQueerVoices, but immediately got distracted by how funny #QueerTwitter is

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^{7:44AM • December 17, 2017}

“You are on fire, Capitaine,” J.J. crowed.

“Not bad, hey?” Shane gloated, still panting and sweaty as he peeled off layers.

“Not bad? Not BAD?! He says this, after getting four points, christophe.”

“Yo, Hollzy, you gettin laid tonight? Is that why you're showing off?” Schneider shouted across the room.

And, fuck it. If he regretted this later, he had five whole days to get over it. “I’m spending the Christmas break with my boyfriend.”

In the decades that spanned between inhalation and exhalation, there was so much room for catastrophizing. Oh fuck, oh fuck, I shouldn’t have said that, it’s different when they know I’m getting fucked by a man tonight, they’ll be grossed out, they’ll be repulsed, th—

And then the shockwave of a roar broke over his ears, a physical thing, punctuated with shoves and punches and Hayden pinching his cheek.

“You SLY DOG!”

“Boyfriend!”

“Qui est-ce?”

“Pics! Pics! Pics!”

“Hollzy’s in love!”

“They grow up so fast.”

@bookworm_31415 | Just spotted the entire @MontrealMetros defensive line buying tickets for Call Me By Your Name at Cinéma du Musée. Didn’t have that on my bingo card.

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^{4:15PM • January 9, 2018}

Cam Stedlund: Superbad
Patrice Drapeau: Shrek 2
J.J. Boiziau: Trainspotting
Shane Hollander: Inception
Hayden: The Wolf of Wall Street
Aleks Miitka: A Single Man
Petro Andropov: are there any films about gay guys that aren’t super depressing??

@LOLsson ✔️ | Last night in post game media, I referred to the collective of reporters present as “you guys”. In doing so, I used exclusionary language that explicitly diminished the existence and impact of female sports journalists. I apologize. Women in sports media have fought tooth and nail to work their way into the press box and conference room, and their contributions deserve respect and inclusion.

^{👍 5.2k | Reply}

^{9:03AM • January 20, 2018}

@LOLsson ✔️ | Thank you to Fanny Rosenfeld, Helene Elliott, Christine Simpson, and countless others for your pioneering efforts. I’ll do better in the future.
^{👍 2.9k | Reply}
^{9:04AM • January 20, 2018}

@Krstnfrcn0 | what the fuck is happening in Montreal?
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^{9:05AM • January 20, 2018}

Hayden: can I ask you something kind of embarrassing?
J.J. Boiziau: obviously
Hayden: promise to keep it secret?
J.J. Boiziau: if you insist
Hayden: I do
Hayden: you wanna promise?
J.J. Boiziau: the promise is implied
Hayden: i’m gonna need it in writing
J.J. Boiziau: okay fine I promise
Hayden: have you ever tried pegging?

J.J. Boiziau: everyone welcome our newest member; Hayden is peg-curious
Hayden: dude you PROMISED
J.J. Boiziau: yes, and I promised everyone else here too; you’re welcome
Lawrence Olsson: no shame here Pike
Shane Hollander: 👋 hey Hayden
Albert Schneider: scroll up to the top of the chat; Cap wrote us a how-to guide
Matty Wilson: and once again, we thank him 🙇‍♂️

@GoComeau ✔️ | Thanks to my buddy @AndropovInMontreal for letting me join the community dinner at St. Mary the Protectress! Varenyky were off the charts tasty. Slava Ukraini! 🇺🇦

^{👍 844 | Reply}

^{9:48PM • January 30, 2018}

Private Hire Enquiry

Inbox ☓

Ellie Kovacs 10:17 AM (now)
To: Enquiries▼

Att: Events Coordinator

Hello, my name is Ellie Kovacs, and I’m writing to you in my capacity as an assistant events coordinator for the Montreal Metros.
The team has expressed an interest in hiring a cinema screen to air the debut episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race on March 24, and I would like to enquire as to your availability and capacity to support this.
Please see below a number of preliminary questions:

1. What is the seating capacity of the largest available theatre?
2. What is your pricing structure for private hires? Are you able to provide a rough outline of involved costs?
3. The team is planning to raffle tickets to raise money for charity. Would you consider offering discounted prices to increase the proportion of revenue that can be donated?
4. Are you able to assist in organizing the licensing from VH1?

Kind regards,
Ellie Kovacs
Assistant Events Coordinator, Montreal Metros

@sunless_garden | Now we’ve conquered homophobia in hockey (jk), can we have a conversation about color? The #NHL is so white, where are all the Black players?

^{👍 979 | Reply}

^{11:14AM • February 8, 2018}

@GGagnon ✔️ | Appreciate the sentiment, but don’t forget that race is more than black and white. Players with Asian heritage deserve representation too ✊🏼
^{👍 1.5k | Reply}
^{11:26AM • February 8, 2018}

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inclusivity Training

Inbox ☓

Julia Longano 9:13 AM (now)
To: me▼

Hi Hayden,

We’re organizing another session from our training partners on Allyship and Inclusion later this month. Would the team be interested in attending this one too? It’s the more advanced version of the seminar we organized for you last year.
Let me know so I can finish shoring up numbers.

Best,
Julia Longano
Learning and Development Partner, Montreal Metros

Hayden: anyone want to attend another ally workshop at the end of the month?
J.J. Boiziau: I kinda feel like I don’t need it?
Aleks Miitka: yeah, we are pros now
Gilbert Comeau: the greatest allies who ever lived
Albert Schneider: yeah i’m good to skip it
Petro Andropov: cap seems more comfortable now
Patrice Drapeau: yeah I don’t think we’re gonna lose him to NY anytime soon
Hayden: cool cool cool, i’ll tell Julia; don’t forget to post on socials the drag race fundraiser though
Cam Stedlund: 👍
Matty Wilson: anyone going to the lunar new year festival this weekend?
Georges Gagnon: fuck yeah i’m down
Lawrence Olsson: sorry, have to skip; Hollzy and I are doing the fun run for Interligne
J.J. Boiziau: ah, I am volunteering for that!; I will see you there at the finish line

Hayden: hey dude; this might be kinda awkward; and I thought you might prefer not to do this face-to-face
Shane Hollander: Is everything ok?
Hayden: yeah, it’s all good; a couple of the guys just mentioned to me that they were uncomfortable with you saying “man up” during intermission last night; i’m sure it was just habit; but we’re trying to stop using language implying that women are weak or fragile
Shane Hollander: Oh Jesus; I never thought about that before; I didn’t mean it like that!
Hayden: oh for sure dude, I know; we all know; we’re all learning; no biggie, just wanted to make you aware
Shane Hollander: I’m mortified
Hayden: nah, don’t stress about it; seriously
Shane Hollander: How can I fix this?

@MetrosUpdates | The entire @MontrealMetros team spotted at La Cage last night, just a few hours after beating Colorado on home ice. The team raucously cheered on the Canadian Women’s Ice Hockey Team in the #OlympicsPyeongChang gold medal match, staying up until 3am to see it through to the nail-biting penalty shootout.

^{👍 7.4k | Reply}

^{8:05AM • February 22, 2018}

@MetrosUpdates | Metros Captain @ShaneHollander was quoted as saying: “It’s heartbreaking to lose like that, but these women played an incredible game, an incredible Olympic tournament, and we’re so proud of them.”

^{👍 5.8k | Reply}

^{8:05AM • February 22, 2018}

Chapter 2

Sebbin: next year boyos
St-Simon: don’t talk to me about next year yet; i’m not nearly tanned enough to be thinking about training camp already
Ilya: i will send you solarium; less time tanning, more time conditioning
St-Simon: 😭
Connors: he’s not fucking joking either; remember the tow truck?
Carmichael: i will never forget the tow truck; the tow truck will be spoken about at all of your funerals
Ilya: not my fault this entire city drives like morons
Marleau: except you, of course
Ilya: of course, gold star for you Marleau; ⭐️
Dubek: who tf is that?; does Hunter have a brother?
Johansson: he very famously has no family
Dubek: right, I forgot
O'Regan: WHOA
Carmichael: WTF
St-Simon: you kiss your brother like that Dubek?
Dubek: 🖕
Marleau: jesus the fuckin balls on that guy
Sebbin: which one
Hammersmith: both
Marleau: both
Carmichael: both
Marleau: sike
Ilya: first person to use a gay slur is getting traded to new york; i know you idiots are not so smart, but surely you do not want to get reverse hate-crimed in front of madison square garden; time to start practicing, the refs will be under pressure to start calling penalties for rough language next season
Hammersmith: how are you always like eight steps ahead of everyone else?
Ilya: i’m the smartest, obviously; also the fastest
Johansson: you got it cap
Sebbin: aye aye
Marleau: understood

Ilya: i have decided on this years bonus plan
Marleau: oh fuck yeah
Dubek: SEATED
Carmichael: 💸
Johansson: ???
Carmichael: Johansson transferred in after the pool ran out
Ilya: someone else explain this; Marleau, i delegate to you
Marleau: i have a bone to pick with whoever taught you "delegate"
Ilya: that was your mother; Jenny has very good vocabulary
Marleau: damn right she does; and standards for her boyfriends i know your feral ass doesn’t meet; right, Johannson:; every year Rozy puts a bunch of cash up and announces ways we can earn it; like incentive bonuses
Johansson: is that legal?
Hammersmith: of course it is
O'Regan: probably not
Marleau: who gives a fuck
St-Simon: last year it was $5k each for every penalty the refs didn’t catch; the pool ran out very fast lol; year before it was $100k if you could make a goalie drop gloves
Johansson: omg THAT’S what that was???
O'Regan: that was a fun one
Sebbin: what is it this time Roz?
Ilya: this year I am rewarding creativity; each month, $100k will go to player with the best chirp; i am the judge, there will be no appeals
Dubek: this is communist
Ilya: no, this is a dictatorship; educate yourselves; i will NOT be rewarding chirps about cocksucking, fags, fairies, sissies, queers, anything homophobic; bad look after Hunter; and worse than that, every team in conference will be doing that; he will expect it; need new angles to get under his skin
St-Simon: ooooh i like this one
Johansson: 🫡
Sebbin: LFG
Marleau: is this about pissing Hunter off or about avoiding unnecessary box time?
Ilya: yes

Jane 😙: wish me luck?
Ilya: no need for luck; if they are dickholes, i will eviscerate them
Jane 😙: where the fuck did you come across eviscerate?
Ilya: synonym for destroy; the team said i use "destroy" too much in locker room speeches; good word, yes?
Jane 😙: great word; maybe a bit too violent
Ilya: no, i mean it. i will eviscerate them; but you said they have been okay, about Hunter; so probably no need
Jane 😙: hopefully not
Ilya: tell me how it goes?
Jane 😙: of course; love you
Ilya: love you
Jane 😙: i think it went well?
Ilya: think?
Jane 😙: they just kind of nodded?; really seriously?; and then i got all freaked out and left
Ilya: ok; has anyone messaged you?
Jane 😙: it happened like three minutes ago; i’m sitting in the parking lot
Ilya: want to talk on the phone for the drive home?; i’m alone
Jane 😙: yes please
Jane 😙: a bunch of the other guys have texted now; Mitty, Drapeau, Wilson, Gagnon, Andropov
Ilya: this is good, yes?
Jane 😙: yeah; it’s kind of weird though, they’re all saying the same thing
Ilya: oh no, poor baby, having nice supportive team
Jane 😙: no, i mean the EXACT same thing
Ilya: oh ok; i understand now; maybe they googled “what to say when friend comes out as gay”
Jane 😙: is that a good thing? or a bad thing?
Ilya: well, it is an uncreative thing; but good, yes?; they’re trying
Jane 😙: yeah; i just keep waiting for someone to … i don’t know; be a dickhole, as you put it
Ilya: maybe if someone is a dickhole, one of your team will be there to help you now; you are not alone anymore
Jane 😙: you’re right; sorry, i feel like a prick complaining about this when you are actually alone
Ilya: no sorry, you did a big scary thing

Jane 😙: remember how Hayden used pride tape?
Ilya: i will never forget; i have a screenshot of his face when it unravelled during middle of the power play in second period; my most treasured possession; will use it to start a rumor he is homophobic if he ever treats you badly
Jane 😙: 🙄; anyway; then today, Andropov was giving me the third degree about the uniform regulations; if we’re allowed to wear armbands or patches or custom colored gear or whatever; then he showed me this email thread he had with a company for a quote of rainbow customization of our gloves and helmets; ???
Ilya: i want the name of that company
Jane 😙: but what the fuck is this about?; i feel like i’m being punked; wait did you have Punk'd?
Ilya: it is more surprising that you know what Punk'd is; of course we had Punk'd; we even had a Russian version; i will find it and make you watch it with me when you’re done being silly; is it more likely that they are mocking you; or that they are being nice to you
Jane 😙: i honestly don’t know
Ilya: i think your brain is telling you lies
Jane 😙: i found a Розыгрыш compilation on YouTube; wanna watch with me and translate?; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaJWKZ7xe80
Ilya: yes yes yes yes yes yes

Inquiry

Inbox ☓

I. Rozanov 11:15 PM (now)
To: HandPainted Designs▼

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to have one pair of hockey gloves and one hockey helmet printed with a custom design. A friend of mine has told me that they have emailed you about this before and you said it would be possible. Please tell me how this process works, I am very interested in your services.

Kind regards,
Ilya Rozanov

O'Regan: did anyone see the shots of Montreal arriving tonight??
St-Simon: in the #LoveIsLove shirts???; and now they have pride tape???
Marleau: who?
St-Simon: ALL of them
Marleau: oh shit, this i’ve gotta see
Hammersmith: what the fuck is happening
Sebbin: we're talking about the NHL Montreal right?; not the CWHL?
O'Regan: NHL. the metros
Sebbin: then, yep, what the fuck
Dubek: is someone on Montreal gay?
Johansson: not that I know of
Marleau: 🤷‍♂️
Ilya: no, you are not paying attention; look at Hunter’s face; he looks like a senior citizen trying to understand what twitch streaming is
Carmichael: exactly; they’re playing mind games
Marleau: fuck, that’s brilliant
Ilya: i am going to award this month’s $100k best chirp to Montreal
Connors: you can’t fuckin do that
Ilya: it is my game, i do what I want; no appeals remember
St-Simon: you’re a tyrant
Ilya: yes boohoo what a horrible despot; rewarding anti-homophobic behavior; go file a complaint with ACLU and NHLPA
Marleau: our dear benevolent leader; we will rise up and above Montreal; until Hunter is crying with the awkwardness; you have my sword
Carmichael: and my bow
St-Simon: and my glittery rainbow striped axe
Sebbin: glitter’s a fuckin baller idea

Ilya: you have been selected as the lucky winner of this month’s competition; please indicate whether you would like your prize in cash or a charity donation
Jane 😙: WTF?; is this spam?; how did a spammer make it look like it’s coming from your number?; did someone steal your phone?; whoever’s reading this FUCK OFF i’m not giving you my bank details
Ilya: moy lyubimyy, relax; you have won this month’s competition bonus; congratulations on your $100k
Jane 😙: i know you know i have zero fucking clue what you’re talking about

Ilya: drumroll please everyone; I SAID; drumroll please
Connors: 🥁
Dubek: 🥁
Johansson: 🥁
O'Regan: 🥁
St-Simon: 🥁
Marleau: 🥁
Carmichael: 🥁
Hammersmith: 🥁
Sebbin: 🥁
Ilya: the October bonus for best chirping has been donated, on behalf of the metros, to Interligne
Marleau: i can’t believe you pulled out a drumroll for that
St-Simon: Interligne does good work! Thank you Roz 👏
Hammersmith: 👏
O'Regan: 👏
Marleau: well now i feel like a dick, thanks Vicky

Johansson: theoretically …; what would the consequences be if we wore pride night jerseys for the NY game?
Connors: oh i like the way you think
Ilya: i like this too; i have a research assistant, wait, i will ask him

Ilya: hello sweetheart i have a question
Jane 😙: is this question about phone sex; cause it’s two in the afternoon
Ilya: … okay i guess i have two questions; one, what is wrong with phone sex at two in the afternoon??; and two, I need that beautiful brain to help with a question about official rules
Jane 😙: you’re literally a captain you have your own copy of the rules; and they’re on the internet
Ilya: is it such a crime to want to ask my favorite person in the world a question about his favoritest topic in the world?; why is favoritest not a word??? stupid, they should make it a new one
Jane 😙: i’ll be sure to submit a petition to Merriam-Webster; what’s your rules question?
Ilya: what’s the penalty if a player wears a non-standard jersey for a game?
Jane 😙: it’s not specified exactly, but most likely a $5k fine, potentially but unlikely to be a minor; why???
Ilya: give me two minutes then I will call for 🤓 🍆 💦 time

Ilya: i have a research assistant, wait, i will ask him
Connors: the way i can’t tell if this is a joke or not …
Marleau: dude me neither
Johansson: surely you’d have heard if Rozy had a research assistant??; isn’t this just a joke?
Sebbin: you know i used to think that too; one time he joked about being taught how to deke effectively by Sergei Vetrov; hahaha sure, right?; yeah, then he sent a photo of baby Rozy with Vetrov
Johansson: ???; is Roz the most interesting man in the world?
St-Simon: basically, yes; hang on …
Ilya: okay, my researcher says:; “not specified exactly, but most likely a $5k fine, potentially but unlikely to be a minor”
Marleau: 🤔
Ilya: i am very busy and important and will not be paying attention to this chat for the next hour bye bye
Sebbin: not beating the most interesting man in the world allegations with that message
Connors: however much he’s being paid, if it’s enough to hire a research assistant with a four minute turnaround, it’s too much
Johansson: so the $700k he’s dropping on “incentive” bonuses is appropriate, but an assistant salary is a bridge too far??
St-Simon

Ilya’s heart felt like it was sufficiently hale and swollen enough to crack through his ribcage and beat right out of his chest. It was a feeling normally reserved for his Shane, for puppies and dignified elderly dogs with white muzzles, and for knife-edge playoffs. Tonight, it was all down to Scott Hunter. More specifically, the look of flummoxed despair that transformed his face as soon as the Raiders burst out of the tunnel, glitter flaking off them like a bedazzled sandstorm in their wake.

“The fuck is this?” he hissed at Ilya during warm-ups.

“We are trying to send a very clear message. Do not want anyone to call us homophobes for extirpating you tonight.”

The handwritten list of synonyms for ‘destroy’ taped to his cubby proved its worth when Hunter made a sound like a wheezing accordian. “Extirpating?”

“Your man is a graduate student, yes? Very clever. He will help you learn new words.”

He gave Hunter his most supportive, proud smile when they settled for the first face off. “Hey, Hammy? What did you say my drag name was again?”

“Peaches Galore!” Hammersmith yelled back.

Not just Hunter, but the entire Admirals first line stumbled. It took his Raiders just twenty-six seconds to score.

Ilya: i love you all; (no homo); Hunter was horrified; (no homo); it was perfect; (no homo); as reward, i will split November bonus between all of you, and pay for the jersey fines myself
St-Simon: (no homo)
Ilya: exactly, thank you man; (no homo)
Johansson: our leader is mighty and just and wise and generous; (no homo)
Sebbin: love you Rozy; (no homo)

Ilya: what did he say to you???
Jane 😙: it wasn’t even that bad
Ilya: do not lie to me
Jane 😙: i’m in Toronto, you’re in Boston; what are you going to do if i lie?
Ilya: i’ll tell you how much money i’ve spent at McDonalds this year
Jane 😙: NO; but really, it wasn’t even that bad; for Kent; normal cocksucker shit; it wasn’t even targeted
Ilya: and your whole bench cleared
Jane 😙: yeah; promise i’m not lying
Ilya: i believe you my love; but maybe it is time to accept that your team is not playing world’s longest meanest prank; they must have planned to brawl as soon as they heard slur; they are trying to make you understand they care about you being happy; or at least, that they don’t want you to trade to New York so you can sit next to Hunter on pride float
Jane 😙: that sounds like my worst nightmare
Ilya: yes, I know this; metros are not so perceptive
Jane 😙: i dunno, i think they were just itching for a fight
Ilya: i will go to church tomorrow and pray for you; i do not know how else to convince most stubborn man alive that he is in denial
Jane 😙: 🖕
Ilya: 📿🙏

Hammersmith: what is with Montreal this season??; https://twitter.com/mattwilsonhockey/562387511; https://twitter.com/realhaydenpike/60273316; https://twitter.com/drapeauingoal/56128851
O'Regan: christ, they’re really going all in on this aren’t they
Carmichael: did anyone else see that tweet saying maybe they’re so superstitious they think being gay won New York the cup?
Dubek: can’t think of another reason that makes sense
Ilya: you are so narrow-minded; Hollander is the most competitive man alive; metros are such babies they cannot handle being second best; even if the competition is for wokest NHL team
Dubek: ohhhhh
Carmichael: oh yeah that tracks
Marleau: so wait; are we just supposed to take that lying down??
Sebbin: (no homo)
Marleau: we can beat those fuckers at their own game
Sebbin: (no homo)
St-Simon: FUCK YES
O'Regan: WOKE OLYMPICS GOLD MEDAL WINNERS BOSTON RAIDERS; 🥇🥇🥇
St-Simon: Roz is it okay if I retweet this too?
Ilya: what, you think you need my permission to not be a shit person?

@SaintVicky ✔️ | Bravo au Canada 👏 👏 💗 #proudcanadian

^{👍 3.6k | Reply}

^{11:44AM • November 28, 2017}

@BostonsOwnMarleau ✔️ | ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 #LoveisLove

^{👍 5.9k | Reply}

^{11:47AM • November 28, 2017}

@SebbinSebbinSebbin ✔️ | We can all do better 💪

^{👍 2.4k | Reply}

^{11:52AM • November 28, 2017}

@81lyaRozanov ✔️ | #LoveIsLove

^{👍 11.4k | Reply}

^{11:57AM • November 28, 2017}

@Socialistwhor3 | Babes, wake up, the NHL Woke Mind Virus has spread to Boston

^{👍 2.1k | Reply}

^{11:58AM • November 28, 2017}

@NightPortal | this is the rivalry I need

^{👍 1.3k | Reply}

^{11:59AM • November 28, 2017}

Jane 😙: are you worried about posting that?
Ilya: not really; i’m never going back; it will be ok
Jane 😙: i love you
Ilya: i love you too; you should post it too
Jane 😙: i dunno; i think it’d be a bit obvious
Ilya: my sunshine; my darling; every player on your team has posted it except you; only “obvious” thing is that Shane Hollander might be a homophobe
Jane 😙: FUCK

@ShaneHollander ✔️ | proud to stand against homophobia

^{👍 13.8k | Reply}

^{12:14PM • November 28, 2017}

Jane 😙: so apparently my team hangs out in gay bars now; Mitty went to one the other night and came back raving about the buffalo wings and the deep conversations and now a bunch of them are going??
Ilya: take a deep breath baby; in; out; now say it with me; “Илья́ was right”
Jane 😙: fuck; maybe you are
Ilya: i know that was very difficult to say; i am proud of you
Jane 😙: fuck off asshole; get ready to lose

Ilya was a seasoned, professional traveller. He should have ownership stakes in the companies that made tiny travel-sized bottles of shampoo and shaving cream. He had suitcases and duffel bags in two-night, four-night, seven-night, and ten-night trip varieties. He had most of Spotify downloaded for offline listening, terabytes of movies on a portable hard drive, and no less than fifteen podcasts he subscribed to.

None of it was ever enough to keep him occupied when they were flying to Montreal.

He stuck his head up and looked around the plane for someone who looked amenable to a distraction. Unfortunately, Johansson had spent forty minutes in the locker room yesterday singing an ode to a new Netflix series, and every single player was all locked in on the same show.

All except Johansson. Perfect.

“Erik, I am borrrrrrrrrrred,” he groaned, sliding into the spare seat. “Tell me what you are doing.”

Johansson removed an earbud and whacked the space bar on his laptop. “Studying.”

Ilya peered over at the title of the paused video. A History of LGBTQ+ Activism (and what it teaches us). “Ah, fuck. Not very woke of me to order you to stop watching this, is it?”

He offered Ilya the spare earbud. Fuck it, he may as well.

@TheHockeyWhisper | By popular demand, my best lip readings of Rozanov and Johansson’s very effective chirps last night (1/3):

Johansson to Schneider [2:41] “Bro do you even know what year Stonewall was?”

Rozanov to Pike [5:02] “Tell me, Pike, who was Sylvia Rivera?”

Johansson to Wilson [11:14] “Any real ally knows about Lawrence v. Texas”

Wilson to Johansson [11:19] “Dude I’m fucking Canadian”

Rozanov to Hollander [17:51] “Remind me, Woke-lander, first country to legalize gay marriage?”

Hollander to Rozanov [17:55] “Norway”

Rozanov to Hollander [17:56] (blows a raspberry) “Try again”

^{👍 7k | Reply}

^{8:28AM • December 10, 2017}

Ilya: man to beat this month is Johansson; miles ahead of you uneducated fucks
Johansson: i’ve got coursera referrals if anyone else wants to brush up before the next Metros game
Dubek: i’m in
Marleau: i’ll do whatever it takes if it gets Schneider looking that rattled again

Jane 😙: the guys will not stop asking me if i’m getting some action
Ilya: maybe one of them has a crush on you
Jane 😙: URGH; that’s not funny
Ilya: no, it is not; just tell them you have a boyfriend; with a huge dick; that you beg for; and dream of
Jane 😙: i think that’s TMI for them
Ilya: but you could say you have a boyfriend, no?
Jane 😙: and then they’re gonna have a million questions about you?; how am I supposed to keep it a secret?
Ilya: easy; you just say your super hot sexy boyfriend is not out yet; if they are allies like they are saying, that will be enough
Jane 😙: good thinking; and then I can test if they’re being real or not
Ilya: oh my god you are so paranoid

Goal Song Change

Inbox ☓

Cliff Marleau 11:49 AM (now)
To: Cameron Malone▼
CC: you

Hey Cam,

The team would like to make a small adjustment for our home game against Montreal next week. Just for this one match, we’d like to change our goal song to “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga.
Let us know if there are any issues, and we’ll follow up with necessary parties.

Thanks,
Cliff & Ilya

Ilya: instead of listening to whales crying or world’s least entertaining podcast or watching game tape or whatever weird thing you do when you fly; make sure you listen to some Lady Gaga on the way here
Jane 😙: ???
Ilya: trust me
Jane 😙: what the fuck did you do?

@wicherwill | So, obviously Boston is ICONIC for this goal song

^{👍 1.5k | Reply}

^{8:16PM • December 19, 2017}

@wicherwill | But I think Andropov and Wilson actually “win” most iconic for flipping VOGUING on ice when it plays

^{👍 2.1k | Reply}

^{8:17PM • December 19, 2017}

Jane 😙: 12 hours til 5 days off together
Jane 😙: 11 hours
Ilya: 10 hours
Ilya: 8 hours
Ilya: 7 hours
Jane 😙: 6 hours
Jane 😙: 5 hours; about to start, see you in less than 5 hours ❤️
Ilya: make me proud my love
Ilya: ugh it should be illegal for a 720p stream on a tiny phone screen at an airport gate to make me this horny; oh that was a BEAUTY baby; about to board see you in 3 hours
Jane 😙: i know i’ll see you in an hour anyway; but i told the team i had a boyfriend; and they were really really great and happy for me; so hurry the fuck up and get here so i can jump you

Ilya: i miss you already; send me pictures; lots and lots of pictures
Jane 😙: i could send you one every morning, if you promise to delete them; my new year’s resolution?
Ilya: 💗; that would make me very happy
Jane 😙: what do you want first?; selfie or something sexy?
Ilya: i want one of you in your Christmas present
Jane 😙: fuck you; i should never have sent you that Etsy seller
Ilya: way way too late now; come on; it’s sexy, no?; my love wearing my hockey helmet
Jane 😙: a hockey helmet with your number, a bisexual flag, and “fastest skater in the NHL” painted on it?; fuck you, asshole
Ilya: this is a yes?
Jane 😙: you’re lucky I miss you too

Sebbin: i kinda hate to say it; but i think Montreal is winning this woke war
St-Simon: you’re right; we need to dial in
Marleau: i’ve got an idea up my sleeve; working with Laura to make sure we get the right publicity
Dubek: the “right publicity” sure man
O'Regan: nothing to do with the fact you’ve been drooling after her for three years
Marleau: is it my fault we’re trying to be visibly woke?
Hammersmith: no but it’s your fault you won’t just fucking ask her out already
Johansson: dude there’s a weird professional differential there; he can’t make the first move
Marleau: ⬆️ what he said
Dubek: excuses excuses
Sebbin: so what’s this big idea?

IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Date: January 15 2018 9:01am

Laura McMahon | Boston Raiders

The Boston Raiders are delighted to announce that they will be supporting Boston’s very own Break the Chains Queer Dance Party on January 25. Break the Chains’ parties, dubbed “Boston’s Best Dance Party” by Improper Bostonian, donate door fees to local queer artists.

Our roster has announced they will be taking volunteer shifts at the event, coming on the eve of their bye week, in between hitting the dance floor and letting loose to tunes by Medino Green, DJ Rufaro, Ms DJ Lotus, and Lightning Pill.

Limited edition rainbow disco-ball pucks will also go live on our merch page at 8pm EST on January 25, with all sale proceeds going directly to BAGLY.

Ilya: headcount; sound off
Hammersmith: present, mostly alive
Marleau: present, definitely not alive
Dubek: i don’t understand; i thought gay people were supposed to have good taste; that was the nastiest fucking bourbon i’ve ever had
St-Simon: then maybe you shouldn’t have had a gallon of it?
Johansson: can’t believe you shits all left so early
Marleau: we left at 3am??
Johansson: i’m still out; can’t get a hangover if you don’t stop
O'Regan: jesus I almost threw up just reading that
Sebbin: do you need us to come pick you up dude?? you safe?
Ilya: hey that is my line; you ok Erik? are the gays keeping you safe and well-hydrated?
Marleau: DELETE THAT NO DR*G MENTIONS IN THE CHAT
Johansson: aye aye; don’t save me having too much fun 😎
Carmichael: i’m here; i’ve got Connors too; or Connors’ corpse; it hurts too much to get up and check if he’s breathing
Ilya: throw something at him so i don’t have to drive over and organize a coroner on my first day off
Carmichael: yep he’s alive
Ilya: good; everyone recover well, rest up; Johansson, drink some water; love you all; and ignoring you all for the rest of bye week bye bye

@punchingdinos | Shane Hollander spotted at Bar Le Stud!!! #dreamsdocometrue

^{👍 743 | Reply}

^{7:34PM • January 24, 2018}

@punchingdinos | Wait, hang on, let me amend that: the ENTIRE METROS TEAM SPOTTED AT BAR LE STUD

^{👍 548 | Reply}

^{7:38PM • January 24, 2018}

@fascra | dude, you’ve gotta ask them: wtf??

^{👍 355 | Reply}

^{7:39PM • January 24, 2018}

@punchingdinos | Okay, I was at the bar at the same time as J.J. Boiziau (😍) and asked what they’re doing here, and he said the team likes to support local queer-owned small businesses … and that the chicken wings are ridiculously good

^{👍 670 | Reply}

^{7:52PM • January 24, 2018}

@punchingdinos | Which, even as a gay man, is objectively true

^{👍 198 | Reply}

^{7:53PM • January 24, 2018}

Ilya: https://twitter.com/punchingdinos/52970012; how brave of you, a noted homophobe
Jane 😙: 🖕; Stedlund made the very good point that if everyone’s there, no one can call me gay without calling all of them gay
Ilya: i am shocked; that he still has enough brain cells to form logical conclusions; was it fun?
Jane 😙: still here actually; yeah, it’s fun
Ilya: i’m very glad; you deserve it 💕

Jane 😙: Hayden just got added in the “Enlightened” chat 🙄
Ilya: HAH YES; i win the bet!!

Jane 😙: sorry i was grumpy today
Ilya: is ok; will you tell me now what was wrong?
Jane 😙: i feel like a dick complaining about it; because i’m out to my team and you’re not; but i just really wish i could brag about you; i watched that goal against Detroit like 400 times in a row; and i wanted to make the whole team watch it and go:; that’s my fucking guy; isn’t he incredible?; aren’t i lucky? look how fucking hot my boyfriend is!; sorry it’s stupid
Ilya: is the opposite of stupid; you think i don’t have the same problem?; i know exactly how hard it is; you know, it would be ok if you told them; is not worth it for me to come out, risking with Boston, since I move soon; but you could tell metros, if you think they would understand problem with Russia, why we have been hiding
Jane 😙: i couldn’t risk that; what if someone outed you?
Ilya: i would be ok; still visa problem, yes; but even if i lose work visa; i think maybe my boyfriend would agree to get married instead of letting me get deported
Jane 😙: too fucking right he would; i don't know; i’ll think about it a bit; but thank you; for taking that kind of risk for me
Ilya: you can thank me by talking more about all the things you want to brag about; leave nothing out

@BostonsOwnMarleau ✔️ | The Raiders are joining the Big Gay Ice Skate in NYC next Sunday! Vote here for the outfit you’d like to see me in ;)

^{👍 5.3k | Reply}

^{2:13PM • February 13, 2013}

@Ham(mersmith)Sandwich ✔️ | Come join us at the Big Gay Ice Skate on February 25 … and get your vote in for my drag persona here

^{👍 2.9k | Reply}

^{2:15PM • February 13, 2013}

@CarlCarlsonCarmichael ✔️ | BIG GAY ICE SKATE LFGGGGGGGG

^{👍 3.6k | Reply}

^{2:16PM • February 13, 2013}

@81lyaRozanov ✔️ | If this tweet gets 100k likes at the Big Gay Ice Skate I will attempt an axel for first time since I was 11

^{👍 18k | Reply}

^{2:21PM • February 13, 2013}

Hammersmith: i had an idea; do we still have the tow truck?
Johansson: ok i’ve gotta ask; the fuck is this tow truck?
Hammersmith: like, five years ago, three guys all got into car crashes in one week
Johansson: jesus
Dubek: it was fine, just dings
St-Simon: dings??? my air bags went off. i had whiplash!
Dubek: it was a low-speed collision bro
Ilya: not a good look to be complaining when sideswiping a grandma
St-Simon: she sideswiped ME
Marleau: not the flex you think it is Vicky; anyway, Roz got fed up with everyone messaging him about waiting for tows and being late for practice and shit; so he bought a tow truck, had it painted black and gold, detailed with our logo, and hired a guy to operate it
Johansson: just for this team’s crashes???
Sebbin: to be fair, it was fucking cold that winter; lots of ice
Hammersmith: anyway; do we still have it?
Ilya: i have it in a garage somewhere
Hammersmith: reckon we could donate it to the pride march in June?

Jane 😙: are you watching?; it’s a fucking good game
Ilya: switching over now
Ilya: looks like it might go to penalties?
Jane 😙: agreed; fuck me it’s tense
Ilya: i have to pace, it’s too tense to sit through 😧; oof; sorry, my love
Jane 😙: 😞
Ilya: and by “my love” I mean Canada 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
Jane 😙: fuck you; i know it’s super super late; but can i call you quickly when i get home?
Ilya: always; you are ok?
Jane 😙: i think i want to tell the team about you

Chapter 3

“Hey everyone. Thanks for staying late. Um. Mitty, could you lock the door? Sorry, I just … this is just for us.”

Shane took the moment to breathe, and remember their boisterous conversation during the first intermission last night.

“You know Jenner? One of the As?” Wilson had yelled across the table, spraying droplets of beer that made Shane retreat backwards into his chair. “She’s a lesbian.”

Gagnon had sunk a heavy elbow into Wilson’s ribs, introducing yet more beer into the air. “Dude, you can’t just scream about it.”

“No, she’s out.”

“Ohhhhh,” Gagnon and Andropov and Comeau had chorused. “Oh, that’s cool.”

“And, get this:” Wilson leaned in like he was about to rock their worlds. Shane was anticipating that he was about to learn something he had absolutely no interest in learning about lesbian sex. Not this: “her girlfriend plays with her in the CWHL!”

Shane was trembling, but, fortunately, no one was looking at him too closely. Not even Hayden, whose mouth was fully open. “Same team?”

“Yeah! They’re both playing for Calgary.”

“Aw, man. Fuck, I’d love to hang out with my wife all day.”

“You’re such a fucking sap, Pike,” Gagnon laughed, and Shane recovered enough to laugh too, and press his shoulder against Hayden’s.

“It is very sweet, though,” Andropov had said.

“Yeah, and imagine having someone who gets it, right?” Comeau agreed. “The drills and the travel and the training.”

“Yeah, but imagine if you got drafted to different teams. Twice as much travel. Pike’s moping is bad enough on road trips, what if we got that at home games?”

Shane had had to dash to the bathroom at that point to splash water against his cheeks, but not before he heard Hayden tell Wilson: “You think I wouldn’t trade for Jackie? Think again, I’d leave you fuckers before you even blinked.”

The locker room now, barred against intruders, was full of anticipation, but Shane was the only one who was nervous about it. Ripping off a Band-Aid, Ilya had told him, with indomitable cheer, nothing to it.

“So, you’ve all been really great. Really great. About the whole … gay … thing. And I want you to know really I appreciate it. Really.” Don’t write a speech, Hollander, Ilya had groaned, is not Oscar nomination. Thanks for that, Ilya, now he’d forgotten every word in English except ‘really.’

“Nothin’ to it, Cap,” Stedlund saluted.

“Anyway, I guess … I wanted to explain. My boyfriend,” Shane was not so obtuse as to fail to recognize the hockey-team sized inhale sucking the air out of the already dank room, “you already know he’s not out. He, um, comes from a country where it’s not … safe. To be out.”

The guesses came flying at him before he could continue. Iran? Jamaica? Egypt? Malaysia?

“Russia.”

All the eyes turned to Andropov — even though everyone was very clear by now that he was, in fact, not Russian. “Not good,” he shrugged.

“He’s also … quite famous.”

“Ah, okay. Yes. Then: very not good.”

These men were now giving Shane big, nervous, concerned looks. He loved these silly, kind-hearted brothers of his. “He said that I could, um, tell you. Who he is. If you understand how fucking important it is to keep your mouths shut. I swear to God, if anyone here even hints about him, to anyone, ever, I will — I will destroy you.”

He should’ve filmed it, he thought, so he could show Ilya what it looked like when the entire Metros team swore oaths to God, kingdom, country, the NHL, their mothers, their wives and children, the very blood in their veins, that they would do anything to protect Shane’s boyfriend’s safety.

Olsson: head count; anyone else spend the last hour staring into space?
Andropov: yes
J.J. Boiziau: yep
Wilson: yep
Drapeau: yep
Schneider: yep
Miitka: yep
Gagnon: yep
Comeau: yep
Stedlund: yep
Wilson: Pike, stop typing and just send it already
Pike: yeah okay fuck; i'm so fucking angry
Gagnon: hey WHOA
Miitka: wtf??
Pike: and so fucking sad
J.J. Boiziau: don’t be a prick Hayden
Olsson: something something traded to Siberia, remember?
Pike: see this is why I was trying to type it all out at once you impatient fucks; i’m angry at Russia; and sad that cap thinks he has to threaten calling in a nuclear strike on our houses to try and protect Lily; it just sucks
Andropov: it does
Pike: he’s been texting Lily for YEARS
Wilson: :(; that’s kinda sweet though
Comeau: never would've thought that would be Hollzy’s type
J.J. Boiziau: a fellow hockey freak?; yeah, what a shocker
Drapeau: wait how many years?
Pike: I dunno; ages; 2012? 2013?
Stedlund: omg
Schneider: I think my heart just broke
Drapeau: how the fuck do they even find the time??
Stedlund: maybe that’s why he hardly ever used to come out with us?
Wilson: ohhhhhh
Comeau: OH
J.J. Boiziau: that explains so much omg
Gagnon: I think I need to stare at the ceiling some more
Miitka: yeah I get that; but can I offer an alternative?
Olsson: NO NAMES
Miitka: FUCK; sorry, deleted now; i’ve been watching Hollzy v. Lily faceoff compilations on YouTube
Schneider: dude, you’re gonna make Pike cry
Pike: fuck off
Stedlund: that’s not even a challenge; Pike cries at everything
Pike: fuck OFF
J.J. Boiziau: come on Hayds; do we need to bring up Armageddon again?
Pike: HE’S THE SON BRUCE WILLIS NEVER HAD; LIV TYLER IS PROUD TO BE HIS DAUGHTER
Drapeau: you know, I've been thinking someone’s been a bit off the last few months; just figured out what it is; it’s February already, and Pike hasn’t announced another pregnancy yet??
J.J. Boiziau: oh you’re so right; you okay Hayds?; is Jackie okay?
Pike: Jackie’s fine; we don’t have a schedule
Andropov: remind us again; how many of your children are born in summer?
Pike: this chat is being shut down for the night; go watch your faceoff compilations and leave me alone; if anyone here says another word tonight; i’m telling Lily you’re a homophobe

Drapeau: in light of new information; I would like to change my bet
Miitka: oh me too
Schneider: well well well
J.J. Boiziau: too late boys 😈

Wilson: I keep thinking about the women’s gold medal game
Drapeau: I know it was a great game dude; but haven’t we got bigger fish to fry now?
Wilson: no, that’s what I mean; we were talking about the girlfriends who play for Calgary together
Gagnon: oh
Miitka: oh I see where this is going
Wilson: don’t you think Hollzy and Lily would want that?
Andropov: uh oh; you are scaring me
Comeau: me too; i’m still young; I want more cups
Pike: this might be enough to turn me to religion
Olsson: or alcoholism
Drapeau: you think you guys are scared?; imagine being a goaltender; facing BOTH of them
J.J. Boiziau: thoughts and prayers 🙏
Miitka: so cap’s contract finishes 2019; what about Lily’s?
Gagnon: what, you can’t use google?
Andropov: do you seriously not read hockey news?; Lily’s finishes July 1; UFA
Pike: yeah it’s like a whole big thing; that he hasn’t signed yet
Drapeau: where are you reading this?
Andropov: literally every sports website in Canada; also USA; also Russia, probably; ex-USSR states too
Schneider: if they had newspapers in Antarctica it’d be in those
Pike: every hockey podcast; Twitter
Olsson: your mom; your sister
J.J. Boiziau: your grandmother’s neighbor’s boyfriend’s cousin’s dog
Miitka: ok ok 🙄; so we think Lily will sign somewhere; then Hollzy will sign there too, after next season?
Comeau: it makes sense
Stedlund: who’d have the cap space for both??
Schneider: Vancouver could swing it
Wilson: Ottawa lol
J.J. Boiziau: Pittsburgh and Anaheim too
Gagnon: plenty of star players take team-friendly pay cuts anyway; surely they’d accept one if it meant they got to live in the same city
Pike: fuck
J.J. Boiziau: you crying yet?
Pike: FUCK OFF

Miitka: are we doing individual bets, or a sweeps for this one?

Andropov: so; is anyone else thinking it?
Wilson: yeah I am
Drapeau: retiring early?
Wilson: lol no
J.J. Boiziau: could we get Lily to sign here?
Pike: oh my god; I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
Gagnon: don’t lie to us dude; we know you’re already crying
Pike: 🖕
J.J. Boiziau: no one here’s done UFA right?; just regular trades?
Drapeau: yeah
Andropov: are we allowed to; I am suddenly thinking I shouldn’t put this in text messages; I will ask in person instead
Pike: 👍
Comeau: I know i’m a bit dumb; but can we try and get management to make an early offer? on the down low?; is that legal?
Andropov: 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️
Comeau: what?? Is that a really obvious question?
Andropov: I will explain later; but I also do not know
Olsson: could we ask legal?; in a very hypothetical way?
Pike: maybe we should also be asking Shane??
Gagnon: he’s getting better; but he almost combusted when he was telling us about Lily
Miitka: and he never engages in trade rumour gossip; ever
J.J. Boiziau: okay I'll take legal; Hayds, you take Shane
Pike: well fuck you too JJ
Drapeau: maybe ask him in the team chat; that way we can be supportive
Andropov: smartest idea I have heard from you yet

Quick Legal Question Inbox ☓

J.J. Boiziau 9:33 AM (now)
To: Devika Chaudary▼

Hi Devika,

I have a hypothetical legal question that I’m hoping you’ll be able to help with.

If a hypothetical player learns information about another hypothetical player on a different team, who is hypothetically approaching unrestricted free agency, and would like to, hypothetically, encourage management to make an offer to contract this player, would that be considered legally permissible? Do the tampering rules effect players here?

Hope you’re doing well! Want to catch up for lunch again soon?

Thanks,
J.J.

Pike: hey Cap; that time you and Lily played together at all stars; was that as much fun as it looked?

Andropov: smartest idea I have heard from you yet
Wilson: Pike you’re a fucking genius
Andropov: 👏; brilliant opener

Pike: hey Cap; that time you and Lily played together at all stars; was that as much fun as it looked?
Gagnon: it was fantastic to watch
Schneider: I don’t think i’ve ever seen you look so ecstatic
Hollander: haha yeah I guess so then; it was really fun
Stedlund: 🥲
Pike: fuck off steddy im not crying
Hollander: you do cry easy Hayden
Pike: 🖕
Comeau: everyone knows it Pike
Hollander: DON’T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES
Andropov: 😆
Olsson: 😂
Stedlund: DON’T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP
Pike: i’m requesting a fucking trade
Drapeau: CAUSE I’D MISS YOU BABY
Schneider: AND I DON’T WANT TO MISS A THING
Pike: fuck all of you; equally

Miitka: The Hangover
J.J. Boiziau: Drive
Olsson: 21 Jump Street
Drapeau: Armageddon
J.J. Boiziau: Armageddon
Hollander: Armageddon
Schneider: Armageddon

Pike: fuck all of you; equally; anyway; would you ever want to play with Lily all the time?
Comeau: geez that would be so awesome
J.J. Boiziau: god yeah that would be incredible

Re: Quick Legal Question Inbox ☓

Devika Chaudary 9:47 AM (now)
To: me▼

Hey J.J.,

I’d love to grab lunch! Sushi? Tuesday?

You can drop all the ‘hypothetical's. It’s not cryptic.

What I understand from your email is: there’s a player out there approaching free agency whom the Metros players would like to sign, and who you’ve learned may be motivated to sign.

That’s fine. You’re allowed to talk about that amongst yourselves in the locker room, and even with players from other teams.

Under no circumstances can management approach this player prior to Interview Week without permission from their current team. This includes directives from management to players to communicate with other players under an existing contract (e.g. if our GM told you to contact this player and ask what he’s looking for).

It also cannot appear like this has happened. My professional advice is to not give management any information whatsoever about this player, or to make insinuations. The correct course of action is for the player’s representative to discuss trade conditions once Interview Week commences.

I hope that clears things up!

Cheers,
Devika

J.J. Boiziau: god yeah that would be incredible
Hollander: I mean, I dunno? I guess?; it’ll probably never happen
Stedlund: :(; that’s really sad dude
Drapeau: yeah that sucks
Pike: I mean, it could happen, right?
Hollander: sure. It’s just unlikely.

Andropov: 👏; brilliant opener
Miitka: do we believe him?
Pike: nah I think he’s covering; so he doesn’t have to admit he’s leaving after next season
Stedlund: Shane “More Pucks In The Net” Hollander doesn’t want speculation and distractions; in other breaking news: water is wet

Hollander: sure. It’s just unlikely.; i’m okay with it, no need to be sad
Gagnon: I guess you’ll always have All-Stars; to play on the same team

Schneider: Armageddon
Stedlund: Casablanca; for you Gagnon
Gagnon: ??
Stedlund: what do you mean ??; you literally just quoted it in the main chat
Gagnon: did I?
Stedlund: 🤦‍♂️

Gagnon: I guess you’ll always have All-Stars; to play on the same team
Hollander: yeah; so to speak lol; and it’s fun to play against each other too
Schneider: oh yeah; I can see that now
Pike: yeah I feel like I get your vibe MUCH better now
Hollander: by the way; I know this was like … a lot; but thanks for being so good about it; it’s really nice to not have to hide it from you all anymore
Miitka: of course man, we’re honored
J.J. Boiziau: love you brother
Comeau: my one complaint; you couldn't have waited until we were all together to say that?; I just know Pike’s sobbing right now
Hollander: fair criticism, i’ll take that on the chin
Pike: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Stedlund: Shane “More Pucks In The Net” Hollander doesn’t want speculation and distractions; in other breaking news: water is wet
J.J. Boiziau: okay, Devika said we can’t talk to management at all; like, not even mention Lily's name; but yeah, I agree; surely they aren’t planning long-distance for the rest of their careers
Drapeau: so is there anything we can do?; start being really nice to Lily I guess?
Andropov: I guess so; maybe try and post some things online to help the fans realize this rivalry thing doesn’t mean we hate him as a person
Wilson: yeah, they burned him in effigy a few years ago didn’t they?; we should try and fix that

POST-GAME PRESS, FEBRUARY 27 2018

Question

Montreal clearly dominated tonight, with a four point shutout and forty-two shots on goal. What lessons will Philadelphia take home?

Philadelphia Flash Captain Rory Graeber

Look, we played our best tonight, but Montreal was just on a whole other level, even for them. I’ve never seen such an aggressive style in the Bell Centre before. We’ll be working on improving our defense, of course, but, honestly, I think we just didn’t expect it to be a game like this, and it took us too long to reset our expectations.

Question

Montreal has been very vocal this season in their support for the LGBTQ+ community. Was there any trepidation coming to play them for their Pride Night?

Graeber

Not really. But maybe there should’ve been?

Question

It appeared that Montreal wanted to make a point of highlighting support for one particular subset of the community. Were you aware of that in advance?

Graeber

Nope.

Question

Are there any bisexual players in the Philadelphia roster?

Graeber

None I know of.

Question

Are there any messages you’d like to send to the fans?

Graeber

We’re real sorry, we know it was a disappointing game. We’ll be studying the tape, going hard in practice, and fighting like hell for that wildcard spot.

Question

I meant in regards to ‘Hockey is for Everyone’ month.

Graeber

Yeah. Right. Um … you keep doing you, be proud of yourself, and … yeah?

Question

Montreal certainly appeared like they wanted to make a statement tonight. How would you summarize that statement?

Montreal Metros Alternate Captain Hayden Pike

Well, I’d say we wanted to make two statements. One, we wanted to highlight support for the bisexual community. And two, we wanted to prove, to ourselves, to our fans, to the LGBTQ2+ community, and to anyone who doubted us, that being “woke” doesn’t mean we can’t play an aggressive game.

Question

It’s unusual for a team to celebrate a particular identity on Pride Nights. Is there a reason the Metros painted the bisexual flag on their cheeks?

Pike

We decided, as a team, to celebrate bisexuality as it can be dismissed as being “less than” or “experimenting,” even by other members of the queer community. Pride means pride for everyone.

Question

Is a member of the Montreal team bisexual?

Pike

If they are, it’s not my place to announce it.

Question

That’s not a no.

Pike

It’s also not a yes.

Question

But you can see how some might draw that conclusion?

Pike

I can. And I would tell them that ‘Hockey Is For Everyone,’ including those who don’t want to comment publicly about their sexuality.

J.J. Boiziau: do we think they call each other Captain in bed?
Pike: I do NOT want to think about it
J.J. Boiziau: why not? It’d be pretty hot
Wilson: oh yeah, they totally would
Andropov: I can see it
Pike: STOP TALKING
Olsson: 🚩🚩🚩; homophobia alert
Schneider: watch yourself Pike
Pike: it's NOT homophobia; I don't want to think about ANY of your sex lives
J.J. Boiziau: it's okay Hayden; go cry it out

@NHLClips | Goal of the week: Rozanov @ 17:10, Boston v. New Jersey. A gorgeous rebound and deke for the ages!

^{👍 8.5k | Reply}

^{8:15AM • March 5, 2018}

@JJBoiziau ✔️ | This was a beauty

^{👍 2.8k | Reply}

^{8:33AM • March 5, 2018}

@AlSchneider ✔️ | Absolute masterclass

^{👍 1.7k | Reply}

^{8:35AM • March 5, 2018}

@RealHaydenPike ✔️ | Chef's kiss

^{👍 2.4k | Reply}

^{8:36AM • March 5, 2018}

@DrapeauInGoal ✔️ | This guy is unreal

^{👍 2.1k | Reply}

^{8:39AM • March 5, 2018}

@orangeliz | sooooo we gonna talk about how the Metros are now #Rozanov stans?

^{👍 1.1k | Reply}

^{8:43AM • March 5, 2018}

@liveloveloki | Late to the party, but we welcome them

^{👍 734 | Reply}

^{8:44AM • March 5, 2018}

Hollander: who wants to explain?
Drapeau: what do you mean?
Hollander: I think you know
J.J. Boiziau: no idea cap
Gagnon: fill us in
Hollander: and, I quote:; “Hollander, why the fuck has your team sent me 4000 lilies?”
Pike: ohhhhhhh; that
Hollander: yeah, that
Comeau: he calls you Hollander?
Hollander: not the point
Wilson: just wanted to make him feel welcome; now he’s our captain-in-law, kind of
Stedlund: it wasn’t 4000
Hollander: what was it; 3999?
Gagnon: Draps, I see you typing; don’t give him the real number, he’s being sarcastic

@AndropovInMontreal ✔️ | The Internet is not a good place for nuanced opinions, but I think it is important we acknowledge that not everything is black and white.

^{👍 2.3k | Reply}

^{11:10AM • March 14, 2018}

@AndropovInMontreal ✔️ | I have seen much anti-Russian sentiment online since the attempted murder of Sergei and Yulia Skripal. To be clear: though every crime deserves a fair investigation and trial, I believe, like many others, that the Russian state is the most likely culprit.

^{👍 1.3k | Reply}

^{11:11AM • March 14, 2018}

@AndropovInMontreal ✔️ | However, many people are equating the Russian government and military with the Russian people. This should not happen.

^{👍 2.1k | Reply}

^{11:11AM • March 14, 2018}

@AndropovInMontreal ✔️ | Russian people are the same as people everywhere. Some are good, some are bad. Do not let the actions of their corrupt and aggressive government speak for them.

^{👍 2.2k | Reply}

^{11:12AM • March 14, 2018}

@AndropovInMontreal ✔️ | If this is a lesson my country, Ukraine, can learn, then it is a lesson you can learn too. #StopRussophobia

^{👍 2.3k | Reply}

^{11:13AM • March 14, 2018}

@GoComeau ✔️ | #slavaukrani

^{👍 2.7k | Reply}

^{11:14AM • March 14, 2018}

@Stedlund14 ✔️ | Love Russians, #fuckputin. Learn the difference, people!

^{👍 2k | Reply}

^{11:16AM • March 14, 2018}

@MetrosMitty ✔️ | Well said brother 👏

^{👍 1.2k | Reply}

^{11:20AM • March 14, 2018}

@cardryer | A timely reminder on the dangers of equating state power with individual biases from … (checks notes) Montreal Metros second line centre Petro Andropov (??????????)

^{👍 953 | Reply}

^{11:23AM • March 14, 2018}

@AMarguerite | I can’t tell if this is the darkest timeline or the best timeline

^{👍 457 | Reply}

^{11:25AM • March 14, 2018}

For a grim moment, Ilya had a great deal of sympathy for Scott Hunter. He’d never admit it.

During warm-ups, the face of each Metro lit up, like a waterfall of dominoes, as they clocked him. Except Shane, who looked like he was swallowing about an hour’s worth of laughter.

“Privet, Rozanov!” they yelled at him when they skated past each other. They even pronounced his name correctly. It was weird. Pike, the whitest boy on earth, skated over and dapped him. It was fucking awful.

“The fuck are they doing?” Hammersmith asked around his mouth guard.

“Who the fuck knows?”

He skated out to face his Shane, praying that the Metros wouldn’t do something fucking idiotic and draw more attention to either of their faces than normal. Throw mistletoe at them. Start clapping and barking like seals. He wouldn’t put it beyond them.

“Hollander,” he nodded. Seriously. He was a serious, intimidating man. He was a serious, intimidating man, fighting the grin all over his stupid face.

Shane was fucking radiant, smiling back. “Dobryy vecher, dorogoy.”

Fuck. He needed to start learning French.

@MattWilsonHockey ✔️ | If you missed out on tickets for tonight's screening of the season premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race, you can still donate to our fundraiser here. All donations to @P10Montreal to support queer and trans youth 🌈 #SashayAway

^{👍 4.2k | Reply}

^{5:10PM • March 22, 2018}

@RealHaydenPike ✔️ | My wife is having far too much fun attacking me with false eyelashes and lipstick for tonight's fundraiser. Donate to @P10Montreal if you want to a selfie of my new persona, Gayden Dyke #ShantayYouStay

^{👍 6.5k | Reply}

^{5:24PM • March 22, 2018}

@RevkahFink | Gayden Dyke? This feels kind of icky from a straight dude ...

^{👍 1.2k | Reply}

^{5:25PM • March 22, 2018}

@Princess_Sarcastia | girl, shut up and let the boys learn it's fun to look purdy

^{👍 1.4k | Reply}

^{5:26PM • March 22, 2018}

@NHLUpdates | Boston Raiders have secured their playoffs spot with a 3-2 victory over Carolina. Congratulations Raiders!

^{👍 10.7k | Reply}

^{11:15PM • March 22, 2018}

Olsson: have we given any thought to how these bets might actually get resolved?
Stedlund: wdym?
Olsson: like; how are we ever going to learn the answer?
Miitka: shotgun not asking
Drapeau: ditto
Pike: shotgun not
J.J. Boiziau: i always assumed we'd learn when their sex tape leaks
Pike: wtf?
J.J. Boiziau: they're in a long distane relationship; 1000% chance sex tapes exist of these two
Wilson: 1000% chance, hey?
Pike: NO; as an alternate, I'm pulling rank; no more betting chats
J.J. Boiziau: or at least, not ones we'll invite you to

@NHLUpdates | Montreal Metros have secured their playoffs spot with a 2-0 victory over Minnesota. Congratulations Metros!

^{👍 9.8k | Reply}

^{11:18PM • March 29, 2018}

Drapeau: hey Hollzy, how do you and Lily handle playoffs??
Hollander: same way we handle any game?; try to beat the shit out of each other?
Gagnon: that tracks
Drapeau: you still, like, talk and stuff?
Hollander: well this is the first season we’ve been together properly; but, yeah, sure, that’s the plan; just with a lot more trash talk
Drapeau: give him hell from us
Pike: should we be giving Cap chirping lessons?
Comeau: ohh, good idea
Hollander: I think I know how to get under his skin
J.J. Boiziau: nah nah we’re not risking this; he clearly likes your sass waaaaaaay too much
Gagnon: yeah, I co-sign this
Schneider: yeah let’s workshop; Bar Le Stud? After practice tomorrow?
Stedlund: 👍
Andropov: i’ll make a reservation
Wilson: oh hell yes it’s been too long since I had those wings

@TroutGabriel | The three wokest teams in the NHL are all headed to the playoffs. Coincidence? I think not

^{👍 5.8k | Reply}

^{1:49PM • March 31, 2018}

@AliceBD | Another way to put it: all three most recent Cup-winning teams are headed to the playoffs. Coincidence? I think not

^{👍 2.9k | Reply}

^{1:54PM • March 31, 2018}

@amazinonymous | Hey fellas, is it gay to know the difference between correlation and causation?

^{👍 7.2k | Reply}

^{1:55PM • March 31, 2018}

@Sarah1281 | Statistics are homophobic

^{👍 4.1k | Reply}

^{2:03PM • March 31, 2018}

Hayden hadn’t been trying to look. He really hadn’t. But there was only so much averting of eyes one could do in a locker room, with dicks and asses and phone screens everywhere.

Every time Shane whipped out his phone, Hayden was torn between a — nonsexual, yes, Jackie, definitely nonsexual — voyeuristic urge to read a snatch of Shane and Rozanov’s message threads, because: how the fuck did those two work together? What did they even talk about? Did they have gooey cooey little nicknames and coupley jokes?

But on the other hand, Hayden had zero desire to get an eyeful of Rozanov’s dick pics.

Most of the time he split the difference by kind of glazing his eyes whenever he happened to see Shane texting, only allowing himself to focus if there wasn’t a hint of a picture on screen. At least, that was the theory. In practice, his curiosity always won over his caution, and he let himself look at the pictures anyway — yes, Jackie, he’s one hundred percent straight.

Anyway. That’s how he noticed that Shane and Rozanov’s chat was filled with those little URL picture-previews: not of porn. Of real estate listings.

Pike: ALERT ALERT 🚨 🚨; Shane and Lily are sharing property listings
Wilson: he told you that???
Pike: no I saw it on his phone; over his shoulder
Schneider: alright stalker
Drapeau: creeeeeeeeeeeeep; do you do that with all of us?
Pike: no! It was an accident!
J.J. Boiziau: that’s a risky game my friend; especially with Cap; Russian roulette with those pics; if you know what I mean; emphasis on the russian
Pike: ewwwwww
Comeau: wait what does that mean?
J.J. Boiziau: 🍆
Andropov: did not need to know that; where were they looking?; NY?; LA?
Pike: I didn’t see; but the pictures were of houses, not apartments
Gagnon: great, so that narrows us down to every suburban area in north america

Stedlund: anyone wanna trade for NYC?
Drapeau: not on your life
Schneider: hell no
Gagnon: lol
Stedlund: dammit I thought it was a good pull when we started; guess all my money’s on Ottawa now 🤦‍♂️

@RedRozArmy | Watch here for Montreal's Petro Andropov's post-match presser, answering the question whether the Metros would want Ilya to join them when he hits free agency

^{👍 8.4k | Reply}

^{8:03AM • April 11, 2018}

@RedRozArmy | "It'd be a dream come true. I'd happily move down to third line, or even wing, if we could sign Rozanov and have the two greatest players of a generation on the team."

^{👍 5.9k | Reply}

^{8:04AM • April 11, 2018}

@RedRozArmy | "The rivalry is with Boston. Not with Rozanov. We're big Rozanov fans here."

^{👍 6.4k | Reply}

^{8:04AM • April 11, 2018}

Hollander: guys; stop trying to get Rozanov to sign here; I appreciate what you're doing; but that's not going to happen
Hollander: this silence is not encouraging

Andropov: okay, I got it
Wilson: 👏👏👏
Gagnon: bravo sir
Pike: do we even wanna know the logistics involved?
Andropov: I ask Roček who asked Ignatowski who asked Mordkovitch who asked Kovalev
Pike: Christ
Schneider: be a lot easier if you all just had an Eastern European NHL group chat
Andropov: we did; it broke apart; too much in-fighting
Comeau: I can’t tell if this is a joke about Balkanization or not
Andropov: 😂😂😂; I am so proud of you; you have come so far, padawan; sadly, no joke; so who is texting?
Stedlund: I thought it would be you?
Andropov: I already did my part
Drapeau: cmon guys this is easy; who befriends every bartender and flight attendant and WAG and journalist and player and trainer and physio in ten seconds flat?
Comeau: JJ
Stedlund: JJ
Andropov: J.J.
Pike: J.J.
Gagnon: JJ
Schneider: J.J.
J.J. Boiziau: Wilson
Wilson: JJ
Olsson: JJ
Miitka: J.J.
J.J. Boiziau: I demand a recount

J.J. Boiziau: hey dude, this is J.J. from the Metros, how’re you?
Rozanov: why?; how did you get this number?
J.J.Boiziau: from a friend; just wanted to be friendly, say hello

Hollander: why are you texting Lily???
J.J. Boiziau: this Lily of yours is a fucking rat

J.J. Boiziau: I demand a recount
J.J. Boiziau: Lily already ratted us out to Hollzy; who are we going to blame?
Gagnon: Pike
Olsson: Pike
Miitka: Pike
Pike: why???
Drapeau: Pike
Schneider: Pike
Comeau: Pike
Stedlund: Pike
Wilson: Pike
Andropov: Pike
J.J. Boiziau: don’t cry about it Hayden

J.J. Boiziau: this Lily of yours is a fucking rat
Hollander: ?????
J.J. Boiziau: it was Hayden’s idea, ask him

J.J.Boiziau: from a friend; just wanted to be friendly, say hello
Rozanov: ok hello; now what?
J.J. Boiziau: well the team was wondering if you’d like to hang out at all next time you’re in Montreal; get a drink or something
Rozanov: why
J.J. Boiziau: just, you know; we’d like to get to know you
Rozanov: why
J.J. Boiziau: well you’re important to cap; and we could show you around Montreal a bit; it’s a really cool city
Rozanov: ok; has anyone ever told you that you are a bad liar
J.J. Boiziau: how the fuck can you tell that over text message
Rozanov: it is my superpower; there you go, now you know me better; why are you trying to lure me away in montreal?; Jane already has a murder building; I have survived it, I cannot be killed
J.J. Boiziau: murder building?; Jane? Is that a typo?
Rozanov: no; I am Lily, Jane is …
J.J. Boiziau: ohhhh

J.J. Boiziau: don’t cry about it Hayden
J.J. Boiziau: cap’s secret name is Jane
Olsson: awwwww
Wilson: that’s cute
Andropov: that is so obvious
Gagnon: what’s obvious?; I don’t get it

J.J. Boiziau: ohhhh; anyway no, we don’t want to kill you; the opposite
Rozanov: what, you want to fuck me?; this is Jane’s job
J.J. Boiziau: absolutely not; we were hoping we could talk to you about whether you’d be interested in joining Montreal next season
Rozanov: 😂😂😂; oh Boiziau; you are very funny; you think Jane has not already made a twenty-six step plan?
J.J. Boiziau: yeah that does sound like Jane
Rozanov: maybe the plan is Montreal maybe it is not; but a round of free shitty beer is not going to change it
J.J. Boiziau: do we get a clue?
Rozanov: yes okay; your clue is: watch the news on July 1
J.J. Boiziau: 🖕🖕
Rozanov: love you too 😙

“Tough fucking shit, hey?”

“Yeah, that sucked,” Hollzy agreed. “Where the fuck did Columbus come from?”

“From Columbus, I imagine.” Matty ducked, too late, to avoid the roll of tape Hollzy threw at his head.

“Man, fuck Columbus,” Gagnon groaned. “I don’t want to hear their name unless it’s about how Boston steamrolled them.”

“They’d better.” Hollzy made it sound like a threat. Maybe it was? Who knew how those two worked?

All at once, Matty realized that perhaps the reason Hollzy had always been so reticent about his personal space and his summers was because he’d always been gay. Like, obviously, Matty knew he’d always been gay: but he’d never thought about all the ephemera of privacy that would have had to surround that. “You and Lily hanging out for the summer?”

“Yeah, course.”

“Wanna go get a beer? Tell us all about this fortress of solitude cottage where you two make your plans for world domination?”

Hollzy looked up from his precise cubby packdown. “It’s 11am.”

“Yeah?”

Cap considered that argument. “Sure. Why not?”

Gagnon: guys; GUYS; we took Cap out for a drink and got new goss
Pike: it’s 1pm??
Wilson: wasn’t when we started
Miitka: what’s the goss?
Gagnon: you know what they do when they hang out over summer?
J.J. Boiziau: fuck?
Gagnon: yeah, but what else?
Wilson: PS4; jet ski; grilling
Gagnon: trail running; kayaking
Wilson: soccer
Schneider: okay?; so?
Wilson: you’re not getting it; it’s like hanging out with your homies
Drapeau: like all the time; okay I get it
Stedlund: okay that’s fucking sick
Gagnon: exactly exactly; having a boys night; EVERY NIGHT
Wilson: and EVERY DAY
Comeau: now I wanna be gay
Gagnon: right???
Pike: Jesus
J.J. Boiziau: no one’s stopping you, dudes

Hollander: hey guys, hope everyone's having a good summer so far; I'm putting my apartment up for sale; thought I'd pass it along before it goes on the market; penthouse, private entrance, private gym, recently renovated; if anyone's interested in buying, I can arrange a tour; just let me know
Drapeau: how come you're selling?
Hollander: looking at buying a house instead; something a bit more permanent; and private
J.J. Boiziau: can I have a tour?
Hollander: sure! you interested?
J.J Boiziau: no, I don't want to move; just want to get the full Shane Hollander Real Estate Salesman experience
Drapeau: 😂
Hollander: 🖕

Schneider: I know we already knew it's over; after Lily shut Boiziau down; but fuck; Hollzy's selling his place; it's really happening
Andropov: I know; it's really sad; one more year
Comeau: is 29 too young to retire?
J.J. Boiziau: Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing youtube.com
Stedlund: 😢

@Levlies889 | Is that a goddamn @BostonRaiders truck in the Pride Parade??? #RainbowResistance #WickedProud

^{👍 3.6k | Reply}

^{11:54AM • June 9, 2018}

Stedlund: OTTAWA; OTTAWA MOTHERFUCKERS
Pike: aw FUCK
J.J. Boiziau: FUCK
Comeau: noooooooooooooooooo
Miitka: GODDAMN IT

Andropov: tell Lily congratulations on the move Cap
J.J. Boiziau: or commiserations?; but assuming this is what you two wanted
Hollander: lol yeah it is; he says to get ready for a whole new Atlantic competitor
Pike: fuck, dude; please; you don’t have to move too
Hollander: what?
Drapeau: it’s okay, we know you'll want to play together next year; we just don’t want to lose you
Hollander: i’m not moving?
Wilson: we get it Hollzy
Pike: yeah, we understand
Stedlund: long distance sucks
Hollander: i’m literally not moving
J.J. Boiziau: wait, really?
Hollander: of course not?
Pike: I saw you looking at real estate
Schneider: your apartment’s up for sale
Hollander: oh right; we’re buying a place in Lefaivre; an hour commute for each of us
Olsson: what about free agency?; don’t you want to play with him?
Hollander: not as much as I want to play against him; you guys seriously thought i’d leave?
J.J. Boiziau: of course we fucking did; i’m so fucking happy right now
Andropov: you crying bro?
J.J. Boiziau: I HAVE A HEART OKAY
Miitka: anyone got eyes on Pike?
Wilson: i’ll do an impression; 😭😭😭
Hollander: lol; Lily’s planning on coming out to the Cens, but not straight away; so our housewarming will just be you guys, if you want to come?
Gagnon: fuck yeah!
Stedlund: yes!
J.J. Boiziau: yesssss; does Rose know? Can you invite her?
Drapeau: YES
Andropov: yes!; I will bring Polish (best) vodka
Hollander: lol you want to start a fight Andy?
Schneider: fuck yes
Hollander: Rose knows, but depends where she’s shooting
Olsson: shotgun escorting Rose Landry
Pike: i’ll be there! And I won’t cry!
Hollander: my parents know too, obviously
Comeau: shotgun escorting Hollzy’s mom
Hollander: nah Lily's got dibs on that
Comeau: man that dude makes it easy to hold a grudge

Hollander: does anyone have a recommendation for a real estate agent?
Olsson: you're supposed to be the one with opinions on real estate agents
Hollander: yeah, but I'm not super happy with the ones I've been talking to; looking for someone new
J.J. Boiziau: I can pass on the details for my agent; but I don't know what counts as "good" or "bad"?; he sold a condo, he bought a condo; I'm easy to please

Pike: WARNING WARNING; do NOT give Hollzy real estate agent details
J.J. Boiziau: wtf?
Pike: I set him up with Jackie's bestie from college; he came prepared with a spreadsheet of her recent sales and comparitive properties that had sold for more; and asked her to justify why they hadn't sold for as much as he thought they could; house by house; he made notes
Miitka: yeahhhh that sounds right actually
Pike: Bri called Jackie in tears; I think I might have to buy her some therapy sessions
Wilson: this is sounding very familiar
Schneider: lol yeah; I remember after my first game, he sat me down and ran through a list of everything that needed improving; there were subsections
J.J. Boiziau: once a captain, always a captain
Andropov: OUR captain
Comeau: thank fuck for that

@OttawaCentaurs ✔️ | This year, our team will begin each game with a land acknowledgement. Our new fearless captain @81lyaRozanov has started a petition here to make this standard practice across the NHL. Join us in support! #GoCensGo #Reconciliation #AlgonquinNation

^{👍 9.9k | Reply}

^{11:26AM • September 24, 2018}

Gagnon: https://twitter.com/ottawacentaurs/post/44211067
Stedlund: oh it's fucking ON
J.J. Boiziau: game on motherfucker
Hollander: I'll give $100k to the player with the best idea to out-woke the Centaurs

Montreal Metros Go Broke For Woke

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Metros sans Cap

16 Oct 2017 at 2:41PM

Aleks Miitka added Petro Andropov, J.J. Boiziau, Gilbert Comeau, Patrice Drapeau, Georges Gagnon, Lawrence Olsson, Albert Schneider, Cam Stedlund, Matty Wilson and you

J.J.'s Stalker

16 Oct 2017 at 3:07PM

Matty Wilson added Petro Andropov, J.J. Boiziau, Gilbert Comeau, Patrice Drapeau, Georges Gagnon, Aleks Miitka, Lawrence Olsson, Albert Schneider, Cam Stedlund, and you

JJ's next gf's major

16 Oct 2017 at 3:10PM

Cam Stedlund added Petro Andropov, J.J. Boiziau, Gilbert Comeau, Patrice Drapeau, Georges Gagnon, Aleks Miitka, Lawrence Olsson, Albert Schneider, Matty Wilson and you

Metros sans Cap

16 Oct 2017 at 3:14PM

Metros sans Cap

16 Oct 2017 at 3:14PM

Metros sans Cap

8 Nov 2017 at 8:52PM

Metros sans Cap

18 Nov 2017 at 11:56AM

Team Plane Movies

11 Nov 2017 at 11:14AM

12 Nov 2017 at 4:37PM

16 Nov 2017 at 12:29AM

18 Nov 2017 at 12:10PM

J.J.'s Stalker

2 Dec 2017 at 2:38PM

Metros sans Cap

11 Dec 2017 at 12:15PM

11 Dec 2017 at 12:42PM

Top or bottom

11 Dec 2017 at 1:02PM

Cam Stedlund added Petro Andropov, J.J. Boiziau, Gilbert Comeau, Patrice Drapeau, Georges Gagnon, Aleks Miitka, Lawrence Olsson, Albert Schneider, Matty Wilson and you

Team Plane Movies

8 Jan 2018 at 7:38PM

8 Jan 2018 at 11:03PM

10 Jan 2018 at 2:27PM

11 Jan 2018 at 6:14AM

11 Jan 2018 at 7:40AM

14 Jan 2018 at 10:11PM

J.J. Boiziau

26 Jan 2018 at 3:56PM

26 Jan 2018 at 4:28PM

The Enlightened Metros

26 Jan 2018 at 4:31PM

J.J. Boiziau added you

Metros sans Cap

13 Feb 2018 at 9:35AM

Shane Hollander

20 Feb 2018 at 9:58AM

Chapter 2

B-Boyz

14 Jun 2017 at 19:41

B-Boyz

14 Sep 2017 at 21:06

Jane 😙

16 Oct 2017 at 7:48

16 Oct 2017 at 13:16

16 Oct 2017 at 15:53

Jane 😙

23 Oct 2017 at 15:04

B-Boyz

28 Oct 2017 at 19:49

Jane 😙

1 Nov 2017 at 8:12

B-Boyz

1 Nov 2017 at 20:24

B-Boyz

3 Nov 2017 at 13:56

Jane 😙

3 Nov 2017 at 13:59

B-Boyz

B-Boyz

8 Nov 2017 at 23:34

Jane 😙

18 Nov 2017 at 22:54

B-Boyz

28 Nov 2017 at 11:35

Jane 😙

28 Oct 2017 at 12:07