Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau & Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Brad Hammersmith, Connors (Heated Rivalry), Ryan Carmichael, Victor St. Simon, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Texting Fic, Texting, Fluff and Crack, Attempt at Humor, Secret Relationship, Established Relationship, Drinking, Party Drugs, discussion of firearms, POV Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, POV Ilya Rozanov, Everyone Loves Shane Hollander, Everyone Has a Crush on Shane Hollander, Jealous Ilya Rozanov, Good Friend Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau

Language:

English

Series:

Part 4 of it's all fun and games

Collections:

Lazer's Social Media fics

Stats:

Published: 2026-05-14 Completed: 2026-05-15 Words: 9,371 Chapters: 2/2

it's all fun and games when you're a pretty party boy

Summary

Roz: marly, wtf??
didn’t think i needed to say it, you are telling everyone my shit?

Cliff: shit, man, I'm sorry
and I get you’re prly mad at me but let’s focus on what’s important, okay?
Hammer told Hollzy about the Hollander-stripper

Hammer: Connors requested staff info from the Metro’s to track down a Jane that worked for them
got in trouble with management for it
they thought it was for harassment

Connors: Marly told me you’ve been in love with Jane since your cup-year, at least
said you almost killed yourself when she broke up with you and something about a tuna sandwich

Carmy: we’re trying to spread out the Roz anger? Gravy sent shirtless pictures of Roz to that Latvian guy

Gravy: we agreed to no more Jānis mentions in the chat!

Roz: fucking stop it! all of you

OR

Roz is abandoning the team and the country for his secret girlfriend. Cliff would LOVE some more intel on Jane but Roz has never been forthcoming. At the very least Cliff can make sure that Roz's last few weeks are nothing but fun and games!

A total crackfic featuring our Boston Boys partying in style.

Notes

Part 4 of the fun and games series is here! This one takes place a few days after the end of Part 2 and features characters from Part 3.

This isn't really written to be read as a stand alone, so I recommend you read at least Part 2, if not 2 and 3 before diving in. The other fics in this series all have some angst and character growth, but this is pure crack, fluff and silliness. Please enjoy these idiot hockey boys ribbing each other and supporting in each other in their own dumb way!

Chapter 2 has discussions of drug/alcohol use, gambling, firearms, casual sex, and some other party boy things. If those things aren't your cup of tea maybe just stop after chapter 1.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

Spring, 2018

Cliff

Cliff wasn’t going to say anything to the guys. He really wasn’t. He was going to keep an eye on Roz and judge if and when to share that Roz was so catastrophically down bad for Jane that he’d fist fought Hayden fucking Pike in front of a cop, ended up in a holding cell, and was abandoning the Bears for some fuckass team in Canada. Cliff still didn’t know which team, but almost definitely not Montreal. Likely Toronto, maybe Ottawa. Either way, Roz wasn’t going to be a Bear anymore because he loved his Montreal Jane too damn much. 

When Roz showed up for practice the morning after a night in jail, Cliff expected him to be tight, angry, maybe a little embarrassed or heartsick. But Roz was happy during practice. It wasn’t his usual manic silliness either, it was just...joyful. This was really fucking happening, and Roz was psyched about it.

Cliff lasted approximately twenty more hours after that before he had to loop in his boys with at least a few details.

Sidebar (no Roz) + Connors (probationary) 

10:05am

Cliff: got an interesting call at 2am the other night

St. Vicky: oh shit
St. Vicky: from Roz?

Cliff: from Hollander

Carmy: SHANE Hollander?!

St. Vicky: wait, is that why you added him to the ppb chat?
St. Vicky: did Hollander pull some crazy prank on you or something?

Gravy: Hollander is in there now?!
Gravy: oh my god he’s so fucking pretty 
Gravy: i’m never gonna get added
Gravy: at least tell me I’m more fun than him

Carmy: oh, Gravy, you’re so much fun!

Hammer: remember Seb’s cookout?
Hammer: when Gravy didn’t know the brownies had mushrooms in them?
Hammer: and he caught like 8 garter snakes and brought them into Seb’s house?
Hammer: and Seb’s sister saw a bunch of snakes slithering toward her and jumped up onto the table so fast she hit a ceiling fan and got a concussion?
Hammer: and Seb yelled at Gravy until he cried and climbed a tree and we had to get a ladder and coax him out?

Carmy: like a little baby kitten!

Gravy: idk, I think that sounds like the kind of thing a party boy might do
Gravy: plus, I thought we agreed my whole sexting scandal thing was like, funny and crazy? 
Gravy: can I PLEASE get added yet?

St. Vicky: funny and crazy?
St. Vicky: Gravy, your catfishing bullshit was the stupidest you’ve ever been
St. Vicky: we straight up told you what was happening
St. Vicky: i’m literally going to tell the pretty party boys you did the stupidest thing i’ve heard all year 
St. Vicky: for real, we nominate the stupidest thing we heard all year and see who wins
St. Vicky: I'm nominating that

Gravy: if I win that can I join the chat?

Carmy: wait, we’re losing the plot
Carmy: Marly, why did Hollander call you in the middle of the night?

Cliff: so I could meet him at the police station to pick Roz up

Carmy: so it WAS a Roz thing 
Carmy: I thought we were good!
Carmy: did we know he was crashing out?
Carmy: he seemed good lately

St. Vicky: driving, drugs, or fighting?

Cliff: he got in a fight with Hayden Pike
Cliff: but according to Hollzy, Pike started it

St. Vicky: yikes, how bad is it? 

Cliff: it’s fine, no charges
Cliff: police report says pike and roz came in to give a statement 
Cliff: dont think it’ll hit media or anything

Connors: wait, what’s happening?
Connors: the snake thing was scary, haha
Connors: and the sexting thing coulda happened to anyone

Connors: marly, you’re talking about Shane Hollander?
Connors: why would he call about Cap, though?
Connors: and is the ppb chat the pretty boy thing gravy’s always talking about?
Connors: and since when do you call Hollander Hollzy?
Connors: also, Pike WAS after Roz at the game, did he like, target him?
Connors: and I thought Cap went home? Did Pike follow him or something?
Connors: does management know?

Gravy: PROBATIONARY, Connors!!
Gravy: that’s way too many texts 
Gravy: keep it up and see what happens, man

Hammer: anyone ever feel like Gravy policing Connors in the chat is like seeing the stanford prison experiment in action?

Carmy: LOL

Gravy: what?

Connors: the what?

St. Vicky: yes.

Cliff: wait everyone shut the fuck up for a second, there’s Montreal Jane lore

Hammer: !!!

Cliff: pike and roz were fighting because…
Cliff: PIKE KNOWS JANE

Hammer: OH SHIT!

Cliff: and he doesn’t think Roz is good enough for her

Hammer: oh…shit

St. Vicky: I mean, I get it
St. Vicky: like, Roz is obsessed with MJ but he’s still Roz
St. Vicky: and Pike doesn’t know him except by rep and on the ice

Cliff: Hollzy knows Jane too
Cliff: said that Roz and Jane are crazy abt each other
Cliff: which, we already fucking knew

Carmy: what’d Roz say about all that?

Cliff: finally fucking admitted he’s exclusive and in love with her
Cliff: said he’s gonna marry her someday

Gravy: I thought they went exclusive like two years ago?
Gravy: am I dumb?

Hammer: I mean, yes?

Gravy: no, like, didn’t they get together at last year’s all stars?

Cliff: they’ve been more serious since then, but I don’t think exclusive
Cliff: he’s calmed down but he’d still occasionally pick up this year
Cliff: …i think

Connors: but if hollander and pike know this chick, must mean my theory is right
Connors: MJ works for the Metros?

Gravy: FIRST OF ALL
Gravy: that was MY theory

Carmy: no, you said she was a Metros WAG
Carmy: Connors was the one who found a Jane on their social media team

St. Vicky: we sure it’s NOT a wag?
St. Vicky: it’s not pike’s girl, right?

Cliff: lol, i asked 
Cliff: ‘fuck, marly! i would never fuck same girl as hayden fucking pike!’
Cliff: like, relax, brother. no one is accusing your Jane of fucking the Metro's first line

Carmy: seems likely it’s social media Jane at this point
Carmy: how else would pike and hollander both know her?

St. Vicky: Connors, if you want to go off probation I have an idea

Gravy: no, we’re supposed to vote!
Gravy: you can’t make new deals!!

St. Vicky: drop social media Jane’s full government name in conversation and see what Roz does

Gravy: nvmd, that's fine
Gravy: Connors, do that
Gravy: then we can vote at his funeral

Connors: so, what?
Connors: if it’s her he kills me, if it’s not I join the chat full time? 

Hammer: sounds good!

Connors: i like hanging with you guys but idk about all that…

St. Vicky: I’ll sweeten it with an add to the pretty party boys chat?

Connors: deal!

Gravy: YO, VIC, WHAT THE FUCK??

Hammer: also, do we think Roz is mad I mentioned the hollander stripper in the party boy chat?

Carmy: wait, like, AFTER Hollander was added?!

Hammer: yeah, lol

Gravy: you want a double-funeral with Connors or your own thing?

St. Vicky: nah, Roz loved it

Cliff: I’m with vic, like roz’ll act mad
Cliff: but he’s so fucking proud of himself

Connors: you think he wanted Hollzy to know?

Cliff: yeah

St. Vicky: absolutely, it’s some psychosexual shit for him or something
St. Vicky: he’s prly been dying for Hollander to find out for YEARS now

Cliff: remember when he was fucking the admiral’s coach’s daughter?
Cliff: he was SO HAPPY when Vaughny brought it up at the game
Cliff: and the cup-year, he told that d-man in Buffalo that he was gonna fuck his ex that night

St. Vicky: I got a cracked rib that game 
St. Vicky: Roz gave me like four grand for the ‘collateral damage’

Hammer: he kept saying ‘cat who ate the canary’
Hammer: about HIMSELF!
Hammer: TO THE GUY whose ex he was meeting up with

Cliff: lmao, rozy is such a weird guy
Cliff: Jane must be a certified freak

Cliff: everyone delete that
Cliff: delete everything
Cliff: no one tell him I told you any of this
Cliff: he's been in a good mood and I don't wanna piss him off

St. Vicky: I’m gonna say something to him

Cliff: ?!

The Boys + Connors (probationary) 

10:42am

St. Vicky: CAP!
St. Vicky: tell me there’s a mug shot
St. Vicky: i wanna frame it for the locker room
St. Vicky: or at least send it to Pike

Roz: wow, Marly lasted…almost 33 hours
Roz: honestly, much better than I expected!

Cliff: no mugshot
Cliff: no charges
Cliff: no media
Cliff: my man’s a fucking BEAUTICIAN

Roz: was mostly Hollander
Roz: i think Pike and I would have had charges
Roz: but polite canadian boy talks to cops, calms them down
Roz: and me and marly charm the rest of them

Cliff: guys, Hollzy is so charming
Cliff: didn’t know he could be like that

Roz: marly has crush now

Cliff: on shane hollander? fuck yeah, i do
Cliff: i’m adding him back into the ppb chat
Cliff: no matter how many times Roz runs him out
Cliff: i’ll add him in again

Gravy: THE FUCK??

Roz: ugh, he is so booooring

Cliff: he's cosmo’s prettiest player
Cliff: that chat is his birthright
Cliff: and I know this sounds crazy
Cliff: but he's supposed to be roz’s best friend
Cliff: idk even know how to describe it
Cliff: he’s like...roz’s inverse

Connors: inverse?

Gravy: it means like, sick and old and frail

Hammer: LOL that’s invalid, dipshit
Hammer: inverse is like opposite but equal

Roz: oh, yes, I like this!
Roz: hollander is opposite of but equal to me 

St. Vicky: bizzaro world-ass rozanov

Cliff: no, man, you’ll see it when we hang
Cliff: their sense of humor is the same, it’s weird
Cliff: and you know how roz is like outwardly mean but secretly nice?
Cliff: hollzy is outwardly nice but actually mean

Roz: i am not secretly anything
Roz: nicest guy in the league, kindest hockey player there is
Roz: everyone knows this
Roz: what’s the X-word you taught me, hammer?

Hammer: xenophobic 

Roz: yes, everyone who says I am mean is xenophobic to Russians

Cliff: whatever. I’m rooting for a rozanov/hollander friendship 
Cliff: especially since you have a mutual friend

Roz: marly, shut the fuck up

Carmy: i wanna hang with hollander! can I get a vegas party invite?

Roz: yes, yes, you can come

Connors: hey, Cap?

Roz: yes, Connors?

Connors: Jane St. Claire.

St. Vicky: YO, WRONG APPROACH

Roz: ?

Cliff: jfc, con

Hammer: i honestly can’t believe you’re stupider than Gravy

Gravy: it’s so embarrassing for him, but it does help me get what your guys’s deal has always been with me
Gravy: like, it’s a lot

Connors: yes, I’m dumb but I’m pretty 😘

Gravy: yes, fine! you’re fucking pretty!
Gravy: for a sport where we get beaten up and slammed into walls
Gravy: everyone in this chat is so fucking pretty for some reason

Roz: who tf is Jane St. Claire? 

Connors: your…girlfriend?
Connors: who works in social media?

Hammer: lmfaoooo, bro, you had an out and everything...

Connors: in…montreal?

St. Vicky: RIP, Connors

Roz: no she doesn’t?

Connors: your girlfriend? she’s…not…the social media director for the Metros?
Connors: how do Hollander and Pike know her, then?

Roz: marly, wtf??
Roz: didn’t think i needed to say it
Roz: now you are telling everyone my shit? 

Cliff: shit, man, I'm sorry
Cliff: and I get you’re prly mad at me but let’s focus on what’s important, okay?

Cliff: Hammer told Hollzy about the Hollander-stripper.

Hammer: Connors requested staff information from the Metro’s organization to track down any possible Jane that worked for them
Hammer: he got in trouble with Bears management for it
Hammer: they thought it was for harassment purposes

Connors: Marly told me you’ve been in love with Jane since your cup-year, at least
Connors: said you almost killed yourself when she broke up with you and something about a tuna sandwich

Carmy: if we’re just trying to spread the Roz anger out then I should say that Gravy sent shirtless pictures of Roz to that Latvian guy 

Gravy: we agreed to no more Jānis mentions in the chat!

Roz: fucking stop it! all of you

St. Vicky: I’ve literally never done anything wrong, ever, soooo…

Roz: yes, fine, I love you, Vic

Roz: 1) marly, don’t tell these idiots my business. I will tell them eventually. I’m not mad tho, you picked me up from jail and are bad at secrets. It is fine.
Roz: 2) no, my jane is not social media director, she lives in montreal, works there but travels a lot for her job, which i will not talk to you fuckers about
Roz: 3) Hollander knew her before I did, Pike knows her through him. Jane is MAYBE hockey-adjacent, but fuck off I will say nothing else
Roz: 4) it is very funny that Hollander knows about stripper, he was angry and embarassed, i’m happy he knows

St. Vicky: called it.

Roz: 5) Connors, wtf? be better at stalking people or don’t do it
Roz: 6) Marly is right, in love since cup-year at least, but didn’t realize. It was a tuna melt 
Roz: 7) and yes, I saw in the fucking Reddit photodump, saw a picture of my ass too, thanks, Gravy. My Jane was thrilled

Connors: is he gonna hit any of us?

Carmy: make us run until we puke?

Gravy: make us get in his car and drive above 180 mph?
Gravy: b/c I still have nightmares about that

Roz: no? wtf?

St. Vicky: omg
St. Vicky: jane fixed him!

Roz: stfu
Roz: Marly did you tell them the other thing?

Cliff: nope, that's all you, brother!

Hammer: what thing?

Connors: what thing??

Gravy: Roz, what is it?

St. Vicky: tell us!

Roz: no, fuck you all, this is punishment for meddling 

Carmy: even me? but i am also always innocent and correct

Roz: Carmy, i added you to book club chat and you embarrass me

Carmy: I DIDN’T KNOW! 
Carmy: Bennett said the movie was close enough to the book that I could join the discussion about plot!

Roz: ROOM earned Bri Larson her fucking Oscar
Roz: is beautiful story of endurance of human spirit even in worst conditions, unable to break even when so bent and twisted
Roz: THE Room is…not that

St. Vicky: auclair sent me a screenshot of that discussion
St. Vicky: I literally laughed so hard I pissed a little 
St. Vicky: auclair still calls him "Carmy Wiseau" 

Roz: carmy was so dumb I was banned from adding new members
Roz: they thought I add idiot as prank

Hammer: okay, yes Carmy is embarrassing but WHAT'S THE OTHER THING??

Roz: I’ll tell you all when our season is over…maybe during playoffs
Roz: you are too nosy to be told my super-secret life plans

Hammer: 😢😢😢

Roz: but also, i love you all
Roz: and maybe is sad news for me to share

Connors: aww, love you too, Cap!

Gravy: you KNOW that love-you was probationary and you’re really starting to pmtfo

St. Vicky: ignoring the fucking grenade Roz just launched into the chat, I think it’s time to own up to the fact that we did some very real psychological damage to Gravy

Roz: yes, we should figure out how to walk some of that back, probably
Roz: but we figure out later
Roz: you fuckers are going to be late for practice
Roz: I want a goddamn cup this year!

Cliff: FUCK YEAH!

Roz: and after practice, poker at my house
Roz: best player gets to do tournament with me in Vegas 

Gravy: omg, it’s happening
Gravy: this is my chance, I know it is 

Hammer: Gravy, is this book at your reading level, or should I keep looking?
Hammer: [link to a book: The Bullied Brain: Heal your scars and restore your health!]

Connors: oh, Gravy, they're so nice to you in this chat
Connors: not like in the team chat
Connors: I get why you're so protective!

Gravy: wtf? people are alright to me in the team chat!

Carmy: they sure are, bud!

Chapter End Notes

The Boston Boys: Connors is pretty cool, we should add him to the group chat
Connors: Oh cool, thanks for adding me
Gravy, with the fire of a thousand suns: I will be watching you every step of the way. One misstep and you're DONE. This is MY territory, these are MY friends, and I swear to GOD I will burn EVERYTHING DOWN before I let you ruin it, got it?
Connors: Okay, that's cool

Hammer: Huh. I probably have some course-correction to do here

 

Kudos and comments give my brain the happy chemicals, so they're always appreciated!

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

Second chapter is here! This one is wildly self-indulgent and pure, unadulterated crack! Do grown men give themselves awards and throw parties over it? No, not usually, but let our pretty boys party their way, please!

There is nothing to take very seriously here, these are just silly stories and barbs alluding to fun parties of the past. A teeeeeeeeny bit of angst around moving away from the Bears and some very general silliness. Content note that there is discussion of drinking, drugs, party behaviors, unsafe firearms practices, sexting, catfishing, and other such things. It's all meant in good fun, though!

This is unbeta'd so any and all (polite) feedback is most welcome, please enjoy!

 

NOTE ABOUT THE TEXTS:

These are from Ilya's point of view, so Shane shows up as Jane. This is how it's saved to his personal phone and other people in the chat will see Shane's number however they've saved it. Also, he does change Carter Vaughn's contact details after Vaughny gets a bit too familiar with Shane. Enjoy!

Post-season, 2018

Ilya

They didn’t get the Cup. They did outlast the Metros, who went out in the first round to Philly while Boston handily beat Tampa Bay. Ilya had hoped to have a chance to face off against Shane in the playoffs, but maybe it was better this way. He got to call Shane every night and listen as his boyfriend talked him through the exhaustion of a playoff series and video-chatted with him to help work out the nerves. It was a long series, and Ilya was pulling from every last reserve of mental, emotional, and physical strength he had.

The Bears fought tooth and nail against Philly, winning in six games. Ilya told the team about his imminent departure after their first loss. There was anger and disappointment but also a renewed frenzy about winning. Probably the only reason they took the second round, if Ilya was being honest. They were playing with too many injuries, too much steam and not enough muscle. They lost the conference final against the Admirals in game six. It was heartbreaking, but it was hockey. It was good hockey, and Ilya could be happy about that, at least. He could also be happy that Hunter went on to lose. As far as Ilya was concerned, the only queer player allowed to have more cups than Ilya was Shane.

It really fucking sucked. Ilya wanted to lift the Cup again. Yes, he always wanted that but this was his last good chance to do it. Maybe the Cens could build something, but that was years of luck and hard work away. Probably the rest of Ilya’s career would be spent rebuilding a team who might be good enough to lift the Cup after he retired. 

Ilya was feeling a lot of things about leaving Boston. He was excited to start a new journey, it was nice that he could start fresh with a new team. A team he could be kinder and gentler with from the start, maybe. Eventually he could maybe be open with them, depending on when he and Shane went into retirement. Despite those comforting thoughts, something in his chest twisted whenever he remembered he was done with Boston. And yes, a lot of that probably had to do with the diminished likelihood of getting another Cup, but a bigger part of it was that he was just going to fucking miss the guys. 

He could tell that Marly and the boys half-expected a crashout. They watched him closely. They were worried, Ilya realized, that the reality of leaving a good, winning team to move off to Canada would set in any day and Ilya would do something stupid, like he had in the past. But that never came. Ilya made sure they didn't have to activate their babysitting duties. He was light and playful and determined to leave his team on a good note. 

He filled his last few days in Boston with dinners, and card games, and as much bonding as he could manage. It was good, it would all be good, he thought.

Pretty Party Boys Chat

10:14pm

Ilya: anyone want to do poker tournament in vegas two days before awards show?
Ilya: if you place top 3 you get spot at WSOP
Ilya: you must be kinda good and not embarrass me, tho

Cobbs: don’t you need to pay like 5K to get in that tourney?

Ilya: no cost
Ilya: promoter friend wants professional athletes in
Ilya: special interest for any olympians
Ilya: they have michael phelps, lol
Ilya: i’m trying to get Sterns and Groves from the women’s league, too, they play good poker

Ilya: marly, rusty and vaughn are with me, also mike graves from Bears
Ilya: anyone else lmk

Rusty: i don’t think i can anymore

Vaughny: RUSTY? Bailing on a poker game??
Vaughny: Say it ain’t so!

Rusty: ehh, something abt my gambling came out to my team
Rusty: it’s a whole thing
Ilya and six players dislike this message

Rusty: have to meet with management tomorrow morning, actually
Rusty: i think they might make me do like, a seminar or something
Rusty: buuuuuuut
Rusty: I have 10gs that say Roz outlasts phelps?

Hammer: i’ll take that action!
Hammer: phelps has roz cold
Ilya dislikes this message

Bennett: I can’t do the tourney but I’ll also take the bet
Ilya dislikes this message

Ilya: WOW.

Jane: I think Rozanov can outlast Phelps
Jane: I’ll put up 10

Ilya: thank you, Hollander!
Ilya: appreciate your support
Ilya: even if it is unethical to support bet from gambling addict currently seeking treatment

Jane: oh, fuck right off

Rusty: whoa, whoa, no one is saying “addict”
Rusty: and, ftr, I never bet on hockey
Rusty: just some other stuff

JJ: the shotgun story?
JJ: this really happened?

Rusty: oh shit, that got out??
Rusty: if that’s why management called me in I’m fucked
Rusty: nvmd abt the bet, I’m honestly like, fuck-fucked
Rusty: see you all after rehab, lol

Ilya: good luck! 😘

Manny: when are award nominations opening?
Manny: cuz i have the whole shotgun story…
Manny: locked and loaded 😎

St. Vicky: manny, don’t do puns
St. Vicky: you’re too sexy to be lame ironically and not sexy enough to be lame unironically
Ilya and 22 others like this message

Manny: um…thanks?

Ilya: not a compliment
Ilya: he called you a medium-hot dork with bad comic delivery

St. Vicky: yes, that’s exactly what i said

Manny: wtf would it mean to be “sexy enough to be lame unironically”?

Vaughny: Hollzy, for example!

Jane: Thanks?

Vaughny: you’re welcome!

St. Vicky: yeah, Hollander
St. Vicky: maybe Scott Hunter
St. Vicky: definitely Bennett, with his book clubs and art stuff

Manny: ohhhhh that makes sense

Cobbs: the book clubs and stuff aren’t lame, though? they’re kinda cool?

Ilya: they’re cool b/c Bennett is hot, in old-man way, and he enjoys them unironically

Cobbs: OH I get it

Jane: You guys are weird.
Jane: So many rules around being cool and hot and pretty and fun

Vaughny: yeah, but you don’t need to sweat it, hollzy
Vaughny: rules are for sub-8s 😉

Bood: Oh, Hollzy! Vaughny called you a 8 out of 10!

Vaughny: nah, man’s a 10!
Vaughny: and it’s like, one of those up by the power scales?
Vaughny: like, a 10 isn’t just two more than 8, it’s like..multiplied?
Vaughny: like with earthquakes? 

Ilya: base 10 logarithmic scale

Vaughn (enemy): sure, that!

Bennett: it’s lonely at the top, but we handle it well, Hollzy

JJ: please, everyone, do not scare off my capitane again
JJ: I had to beg him to stay in party boy chat this time

Ilya: yes, everyone stop talking about how hot hollander is
Ilya: and don’t think of him anymore
Ilya: vaughn, don’t talk to him at all

Marly: alright, alright everyone leave hollzy alone
Marly:  we’ll do noms this week
Marly: benny’s an admin now, he did a NICE write up on the rules
Marly: everyone say thank you, benny!

Vaughn (enemy): thank you, Benny!

JJ: merci, benny!

Barrett: thanks, bennett 

Lewis: thanks!

Jane: I don’t know what any of this means, but thank you Bennett!

Hammer: thank you, benjamin bennett!

Bennett: Brangelina Hammersmith, I know you know that’s not my name

Jane

10:46pm

Jane: wyd?

Ilya: watching footage from my last game against the admirals

Jane: what? Why?

Ilya: just felt like it

Jane: wait
Jane: …are you watching yourself fight vaughn?

Ilya: it was not a fight
Ilya: I shoved him off Connors
Ilya: he shoved me back, I push him into boards
Ilya: it was nothing

Jane: that’s not a no…

Ilya: he should not keep calling you pretty in the chat

Jane: omg, he’s just ribbing me
Jane: b/c I’m new there

Ilya: you are blind

Jane: they don’t think I’m hot, they just like my stick handling

Ilya: no, my love, that is how YOU judge people
Ilya: they just see a gorgeous, perfect, beautiful man

Jane: ilya! he was joking
Jane: obviously vaughn doesn’t think i’m exponentially hotter than the next guy

Ilya: I will break his clavicle next season

Jane: you’re fucking insane

Jane: call me.

Pretty Party Boys Chat

11:15am

Marly: alright you beautiful fuckers! it’s that time of year again
Marly: NHL award show a few weeks away, which means….
Marly: Pretty Party Boys Awards! 

Vaughn (enemy): HELL YEAH! PPB AWARDS 🔥🔥

Marly: for anyone new to the chat (welcome Hollzy, Beamer, Pelty, Knoxville, and Trem 4.0), we do a bullshit award party every year 
Marly: just a chance to talk shit, brag a bit, and get fucked up
Marly: WELCOME TO THE PARTY! 

Marly: [here’s a link] to the overview and rules
Marly: HUGE thanks to Bennett for typing this up 

PRETTY PARTY BOY AWARDS - RULES AND SUMMARY

Every year, the Pretty Party Boys give out awards in six categories. Chat members are invited to submit ONE nominee for each category, any NHL player who was active this season is eligible. Once nominations close, everyone votes in each category, and a simple majority wins.

Submit nominations here [link] make sure to include: player’s name, a detailed story or justification for the nomination, names of supporting witnesses (if applicable). 

Rules for nominations:

• Reason for nomination must have occurred during this past season 
• You cannot nominate yourself, only another player
• Nominees don’t have to be in the chat, don’t even have to be pretty boys, any player active for any part of this season is eligible
• The categories are:
• Wild Child (fewer than 4 seasons in the league)
• Craziest Hookup/Best Pull
• Most Dangerous Activity
• Most Embarrassing Leak
• Stupidest Idea
• All-Around Party Boy
• You can nominate the same story/person for multiple categories (see: 2013 when Rozanov swept Wild Child, Dangerous Activity, Stupidest Idea, and All-Around, with his aquarium bullshit)
• Reminder: award winners get to choose the venue/activities at the PPB awards party
• All nominees, Pretty Boy or not, are invited to Vegas party
• All PPB Chat members are expected to make a donation to charity in award winners name (amount up to you)
• Submit by end of week by adding to the spreadsheet: [link]
  
  
• Cardinal rule: It’s all in good fun, don’t nominate ugly shit and NO LEAKS

Pretty Party Boy Chat:

11:22am

Higgsy: Thanks for this, Bennett!
Higgsy: this makes so much more sense than Marly’s old rambling via text 

Ziddy: ohhhh shit, pretty party boys back in town
Ziddy: 🎶 boys are back in to-ou-ooown 🎶

Ilya: no one vote for Ziddy for anything he will make us do terrible karaoke at vegas party

Ziddy: UM, Roz is tampering
Ziddy: admin ruling on this, please?

Ilya: NOT tampering. It is campaigning 

Marly: campaigning (including slander) is a proud tradition, sorry Zidds
Marly: anything short of buying votes is fine

Hammer: honestly, buying votes is fine
Hammer: what’s a little corruption in the chat?

Jane: Thanks for sharing!
Jane: Am I allowed to ask…what exactly was Roz’s “aquarium bullshit”?

Vaughn (enemy): AHAHAHAHA
Vaughn (enemy): Roz has a lifetime ban from the new england aquarium

Jane: He does? 
Jane: Didn’t he donate, like, 100k a few years ago?
Jane: There was a whole thing in the press, I remember

Vaughn (enemy): LOL

Ziddy: yes, he donated

Ilya: record time for the slander campaign to turn on me
Ilya: no loyalty to the favorite pretty party boy
Ilya: everyone wants to tell on me to Hollander

St. Vicky: our team had a charity event at the aquarium
St. Vicky: Roz was falling down drunk, went wild with coke and decided he wanted to keep the animals
St. Vicky: he grabbed an octopus from a tank in the back room and carried it around, then he fell into the penguin display and tried to kidnap one of them 
St. Vicky: asshole was lucky to avoid charges (hence the donation)

St. Vicky: he also tried to get a shark to bite our rookie

Ilya: WOW
Ilya: such betrayal. so many lies
Ilya: I expected Ziddy or others to slander me
Ilya: but my own team? 

Ilya: I kidnapped nothing!
Ilya: Os'minog wanted to meet everyone at the party, she had eight arms to shake hands!
Ilya: Mr. Webbers climbed into my tux jacket of his own free will. He begged to be rescued!
Ilya: rookie put his bleeding hand in the tank 
Ilya: i did bet him $5,000 he wouldn’t, but still
Ilya: you make me sound like idiot florida man when I am animal rights activist, octopus friend, and penguin savior

Hammer: also Roz did NOT fall into the display

Ilya: yes! thank you, hammer

Hammer: he said, “in Russia we are all gymnast!” and then he stood on the ledge and did a fucking back flip onto the rocks below

Marly: yeah, but he slipped on penguin shit and scrapped his knee up
Marly: had to go on antibiotics for like 2 weeks

Ilya: speaking for my defense, marly showed me march of the penguins that morning
Ilya: he also gave me the cocaine
Ilya: and said I couldn’t do a backflip
Ilya: so, all his fault, really

Marly: also, he stuffed an anemone in my pocket when I wasn’t looking and took it back after the party
Marly: he’s still got it in a tank at his house
Marly: i looked it up, btw, that’s a fish and wildlife thing
Marly: they can arrest you

Ilya: yes, i kept anemone
Ilya: IS HOME OF NEMO!

Cobbs: 2013 party was lit, though!
Cobbs: Roz had four votes for party planning, picked mandalay bay aquarium 
Cobbs: dope room
Cobbs: Benny, Manny, Bood and Marly swam with the sharks

Bennett: scuba certified crew 😎

Marly: fucking Roz kept pounding on the glass, trying to rile the sharks up

Ilya: well, yes
Ilya: sharks deserve party too, no?

Bood: Hollander! you won a category last year, actually
Bood: best pull for Rose Landry

JJ: I nominated you, Capitane!
JJ: we were all so proud of you and your famous girlfriend

Ilya: BOOO!

JJ: well, some of us…

Ilya: still say that shouldn’t count
Ilya: they were together two fucking minutes
Ilya: 🙄🙄

Barrett: that’s literally never how that category has worked, Rozanov

Jane: Oh, neat! No one told me, though?

Ilya: is a SECRET chat
Ilya: you were injured and not at awards, so no party invitation

Bennett: everyone donated to Montreal Children’s hospital in your name

Jane: Oh, that’s nice.

Marly: here’s the [link again] for nominations
Marly: remember this is for FUN. keep it private, no leaks, no sharing outside the group, if it can get some arrested or suspended use euphemisms or don’t write it down at all
[twenty two people liked this message]

Jane

7:14pm

Ilya: I don’t think you should look through the nomination stories
Ilya: many, many lies that you should not worry about

Jane: …

 

7:20pm

Jane: why in the FUCK are you nominated for ‘best pull’ with a former miss universe???

Ilya: Shane.
Ilya: I never
Ilya: you know this!!
Ilya: I met her at party with team
Ilya: they think I left with her but I was sexting you from the bathroom
Ilya: I already contested story submission, will be disqualified

Jane: whatever.

 

7:34pm

Jane: ILYA! 
Jane: three fucking stories for most dangerous activity???
Jane: you’re a professional fucking athlete 
Jane: you hurt yourself and your career could be over!!

Ilya: you are still at pike’s?

Jane: yes.

Ilya: then please do not yell at me
Ilya: I can only get so hard

Jane: fuck you, asshole!
Jane: did you really do this shit? because it’s fucking dumb

Ilya: yes, but none of those stories will win
Ilya: did you see the Rusty submission?
Ilya: idiot

Jane: you will not fucking injure youself
Jane: I feel like i just got you

Ilya: my love, I will not do stupid shit anymore
Ilya: anything you say

Jane: good. no more letting your teammates tase you

Ilya: yes, fine
Ilya: was funny to see Marly go down, though

Jane: no more fucking drag racing

Ilya: was street racing, very different, but yes I will stop

Jane: and you are never, EVER, to jump off a cliff again
Jane: you broke your fucking contract doing that

Ilya: was barely 45 ft
Ilya: was beautiful waterfall
Ilya: young children were doing it! Called me scared old man
Ilya: i had to

Jane: not making me less mad, Ilya

Ilya: of course, my beloved  

 

7:56pm

Jane: what is “2cb and k”?

Ilya: ehhh, is not important
Ilya: i will stop

Jane: ??

 

8:18pm

Jane: it’s literally a felony to tamper with heavy machinery

Ilya: I am protector of trees!

Jane: 🙄🙄

 

8:22pm

Jane: you fucking told me you broke that finger during practice!

Ilya: well, no I said I was practicing when I broke it

Jane: and i’m an idiot for assuming you meant practicing hockey, not practicing with a grappling hook?

Ilya: important tool for team prank!
Ilya: Seb really thought his house was haunted
Ilya: he ran out of house and stayed at Hammer’s for a week
Ilya: it was very funny!

 

8:40pm

Jane: I read the last story. The all-around submission

Ilya: you are mad?

Jane: I have some questions. answer honestly

Ilya: yes, of course

Jane: the car thing? You did that?

Ilya: not like they say, no
Ilya: I did teen wolf style car-surfing on roof
Ilya: very sexy, very athletic, very fun

Jane: don’t try to flirt
Jane: bc at what fucking point were you gonna tell me you hung out with Matt fucking Damon?

Ilya: Shane…are you jealous?
Ilya: jealous of Mr. Jason Bourne?

Jane: no.

Jane: I literally don’t care.
Jane: he’s older than Scott Hunter
Jane: that movie was 20 fucking years ago
Jane: he looks nothing like that now
Jane: and he’s married or something
Jane: old-ass, ugly-ass, stupid accent

Ilya: call me
Ilya: Shane, please
Ilya: you must call me
Ilya: tell me more abt how jealous you are I was together with famous, sexy actor

Jane: you wouldn’t fucking dare.

Ilya: of course not
Ilya: no one is nearly so pretty as you
Ilya: no one as sexy, as strong, as athletic, as funny
Ilya: my perfect, perfect boyfriend
Ilya: call me?

Ilya: shane?
Ilya: your jealous face, please
Ilya: call me, please

Jane: still at Haydens.

Jane: you did fireworks with him, though?

Ilya: I was nowhere near him
Ilya: damon was controlling fireworks with little remote control thing from the yard but I was on the roof, shooting them directly at Marly 

Jane: fine.

Jane: was Ben Affleck there? 

Ilya: yes

Jane: are they, you know…
Jane: like us?

Ilya: no one is like us
Ilya: but, yes, they for sure have fucked

Jane: knew it.

Jane: I’m not even mad at this one, but where did you get a horse?

Ilya: he lives in Foxboro
Ilya: massachusetts is all farm land once you are west of 495
Ilya: I arranged it ahead of time
Ilya: rode into the party and handlers picked her up after half hour
Ilya: knew it was my last season in Boston, had to make a big entrance

Jane: I hate that I know you must have looked so sexy…

Ilya:😏

Jane: does Marly have pictures of that?

Ilya: you’ll have to ask your new best friend
Ilya: marly will send for his best bro, Hollzy

Jane: I guess I’ll vote for you
Jane: wait, what’d you do with the moose?

Ilya: shipped it anonymously to the halifax mooseheads

Jane: the juniors team??

Ilya: yes, said it was from the hockey fairies

Jane: you just…sent it?
Jane: anonymously??

Ilya: yes. they loved it at first
Ilya: but then they were shut out during the quarter finals
Ilya: thought it was a jinx

Ilya: cursed my name (or whatever)
Ilya: i heard they burned him, scrubbed him from their social media
Ilya: RIP lil sokhaty

Jane: oh my god

Ilya: ?

Jane: you were the mystery jinxer they kept posting about!?
Jane: they had a bonfire and shit over you!

Ilya: ehhhh…not my first or last hate-bonfire

Jane: Ilya…wtf is wrong with me?

Ilya: ???

Jane: incredibly hot that you’ve menaced hockey players across the world
Jane: at all levels, with varying degrees of psychological warfare

Ilya: call me.

Jane: give me 20

 

9:14am

Jane: hey

Ilya: good morning 😍

Jane: one more question about your party boy award, I need an honest answer

Ilya: ?

Jane: am I asking you to give up too much?

Ilya: oh, sweetheart

Jane: no, listen
Jane: i already feel like it’s a lot for you to give up so much
Jane: no more clubs, or women, or party lifestyle
Jane: but I didn’t really think about what you have with your team
Jane: it’s so different from what I have
Jane: you have prank wars
Jane: you shoot fireworks at each other
Jane: you have bets, and poker games, and a support network there
Jane: and you’re about to just drop all that and move countries
Jane: and I can’t even be with you openly yet

Jane: I think we should reconsider this

Ilya: Shane. Please, just listen
Ilya: yes, i have my team in Boston
Ilya: and some of them are good men who I care about
Ilya: and some of them have played video games, or gone clubbing with me when I was in a  different place in my life
Ilya: but I am not there anymore

Ilya: i don’t want to go clubbing, or sleep around, or get high and jump into penguin enclosure
Ilya: I want to build a life with a my beautiful, perfect, boyfriend. I want to have you, however and whenever I can
Ilya: I promise you, my sweet Shane, you are enough for me
Ilya: and the bonds I have with my team, the ones I have outgrown will fall away, but others I’m sure will adjust
Ilya: and i can start fresh with new team
Ilya: they don’t need to know a version of Rozanov that is a womanizer, and an asshole, and gets angry and mean when he is drunk and sad
Ilya: They can just know a Rozanov who loves hockey, who loves himself, who has sunshine in his life and can still be a friend to the team

Ilya: okay?

Jane: you have sunshine in your life?

Ilya: every day that you are in it, my love 

Jane: okay. I love you

Ilya: Я тебя люблю

Pretty Party Boy Chat

11:14am

Marly: VOTES ARE IN
Marly: check out the link for winner announcements!
Marly: [ link]

AND OUR WINNERS ARE:

Wild Child: Philly’s rookie, Ivan Varvak (non-PPB)
Varvak has a reputation as a party animal, a club rat, and an all-around beautician! He clinches this award with his antics at the Super Bowl LII after party. Details from the party include:

• Varvak encouraging two Eagles players to tackle him, full-force (minor injuries sustained)
• Burning his eyebrows off his face while serving flaming shots
• Climbing onto the rafters above the indoor pool, calling his “russian brothers group chat” shouting “fuck the golden god, I’m svarog up in this bitch” then dropping ~18 feet into the pool
• He missed six games while recovering
• CONGRATS TO THE ROOK!

Craziest Hookup/Best Pull: The Gay King of Hockey himself, Scott Hunter (non-PPB) 

• • Smoothie dude is an objectively a hot man, Hunter PULLED
  • Sucking face with a guy after winning the Cup is objectively the craziest fucking hook up to ever happen in the league 
  • No bigotry shit in the chat
  • CONGRATS TO GAY MAN AND CUP WINNER, NON PPB, SCOTT FUCKING HUNTER!

Most Dangerous Activity: Our very own Pretty Boy, Mark “Rusty” Russell! Rusty is a known pretty boy, party boy, and a Cup winner! He grabs this win with the worst, most dangerous activity any of us have ever heard:

• • He played Russian roulette–with a shotgun, the stupid motherfucker! 
  • Important to note: the gun was filled with birdshot and it was aimed at his ass from a ‘medium distance’ - whatever the fuck that means
  • How do you play russian roulette with a fucking shotgun? Good question! You put a bunch of blanks and 1 birdshot shell into a bag and take turns blind-loading it and aiming at each other’s asses!  
  • Rusty did not get shot
  • Nick DeYounge from minor league baseball did! He took four months to fully heal
  • CONGRATS ON THE WIN, Russ!
    Unfortunately, Rusty will not be joining us at the awards party, as he will be in rehab. We love you, Rusty, good luck!

Most Embarrassing Leak: Bears player and non-PPB member, Michael Graves takes this category. Gravy, affectionately known as ‘the dumbest Bear’, wins for: his catfishing/sexting scandal!

• • Gravy believed himself to be in a three-month sexting relationship with Beyonce. Like, BEYONCE-Beyonce.
  • Gravy led this fake Beyonce to believe he was actually Ilya Rozanov
  • Worse: he told Roz about it and asked for some selfies he could use…Roz informed him it was a scam
  • Surprising no one, Gravy was actually sexting with an elderly Latvian man
  • Once Mr. Kalnins extorted money from Gravy, he went ahead and dumped all their texts and photos on Reddit
  • CONGRATS TO GRAVY! NON PPB MEMBER! Now everyone in the world knows you are very, very dumb

Stupidest Idea: It doesn’t happen often, but it DOES happen. Rusty picks up a SECOND WIN for his very stupid, very dangerous game of RUSSIAN FUCKING ROULETTE WITH A SHOTGUN POINTED AT HIS ASS! Congrats on the second award, you idiot! (in all seriousness, we hope you get well Rusty, take all the time you need, man)

And our final category:

ALL AROUND PARTY BOY - This one was a pretty split field. We had some great submissions and stories, but the final tally put the winner ahead by a mere 3 votes… 
Congrats to Ilya Rozanov on his twenty-third PPB award! While Roz has certainly tempered his partying over the years, his winning entry from this year focuses on the events of the Rob Gronkowski Halloween party. Events from the party include:

• Roz arriving on horseback
• Roz and Matt Damon setting off 40K worth of fireworks from Gronk’s roof (I was treated for 2nd degree burns)
• Roz wrestling three of the Gronk brothers (lost to all of them)
• Roz and Gronk driving a car into a pool
• Roz insisting that Dion Lewis pull a loose tooth from his mouth
• Roz wrestling a goat (no winners there, only losers)
• Roz stumbling into a Bass Pro Shop when they opened, picking up all the turtles, and buying a taxidermied moose for 65K
• Congrats, Roz! Despite your efforts to rein yourself in, one night off the chain is still enough to beat everyone else in the NHL!!
  
  

Winners will be contacted to set up party details for Vegas, everyone in this chat is invited and can invite whoever else. Remember to donate to charities listed next to each winner [link]

Pretty Party Boys Chat

11:31am

Ziddy: i get thinking you’re sexting beyonce is bad, but I really thought I would take  embarrassing leak
Ziddy: that fan posted my drunken rant about 9/11!
Ziddy: do people not care about 9/11 anymore?

Ilya: you told joke too well, was not offensive

Bennett: he’s right, the rant was funny and well-structured

Hammer: literally the widow of a victim retweeted the video, said it was funny

Jane: Holy shit, I thought Rozanov was dramatic
Jane: Imagine getting mad you didn’t get the votes for embarrassing leak when the literal headline was “Pretty Ziddy Finds Forgiveness in New York City”
Jane: Man should have been begging the city to forgive his defense
Ilya and 20 others like this

Vaughn (enemy): LMAO, Hollzy!!
Vaughn (enemy): Marleau told us you were fucking hilarious

Ilya: Hollander is not funny, he is just pretty, mean, and correct

Vaughn (enemy): Awww, Rozanov thinks Hollzy’s pretty

Hammer: hence the stripper!
Jane and Ilya dislike this message
Marly and fourteen others like this message

Rusty: oh, hell yeah I won two awards!!
Rusty: haha my group session is split on thinking this rules or I suck
Rusty: also my sponsor says I should leave this group

Barrett: yeah, prly a good call, man

Ziddy: WAIT
Ziddy: the ONLY PPB members who won are Roz and Rusty
Ziddy: Rust, if you leave, Roz gets sole discretion to plan the party
Ziddy: you need to stay and help!

Rusty: ZID! I’m literally in rehab right now, I can’t help plan a party??
Rusty: but I will say, keep it classic and tasteful
Rusty: and also maybe some of you should play Russian roulette in my honor
Rusty: it’s the ultimate gamble
Rusty: later!

Rusty has left the chat

Bood: pour some out for Rusty

Jonesy: Roz, how many wrestling matches did you lose? 
Jonesy: didn’t you once claim you wrestled an alligator?
Jonesy: you lost to regular guys?

Ilya: so many fucking lies
Ilya: I lost to ONE Gronk brother, tied one, and defeated the small bird-like one
Ilya: and i DID wrestle the alligator, Marly was there, so was half of Tampa’s third line

Jane: Wait, but there’s no Tampa Bay players in the pretty boy chat, right?
Jane: I mean…

Lewis: LOL
Lewis: Cosmo’s hottest player, everyone

Cobbs: no, but for real TB is the ugliest team in the league, yeah?

Hammer: as the ugliest guy in this group, yes, every single human in tampa bay looks worse than I do

Ilya: also, very important correction for story
Ilya: i did not DRIVE into pool, I did perfect handstand on roof
Ilya: EXACTLY like in the Michael J Fox basketball and werewolf movie 
Ilya: Ben Affleck has the video of it!!

Bennett: You went full teen wolf?!?
Ilya loves this message

The Boys (+ Connors, probationary)

11:41am

Hammer: oh, buddy! you finally teen wolf’d???
Hammer: so proud of you!

Gravy: NO! When???

Connors: what?
Connors: who did what? 
Connors: the CW show?

Carmy: CAP!! CONGRATS!
Carmy: it’s literally all he talks about whenever we play basketball

Marly: ever since he saw that movie

St. Vicky: you didn’t tell us?!

Ilya: half of you were literally there?
Ilya: I drank about it for like 2 hours straight?
Ilya: couldn’t have made a bigger deal of it if I tried
Ilya: but yes, very exciting for me!
Ilya: a top-5 accomplishment

Gravy: Oh, Gronkaween?
Gravy: I just saw the splash, not the lead up

Marly: I was being treated for burns

Connors: i have no idea what anyone is talking about
Connors: but i’m happy for Roz
Connors: or like, sorry it took so long to happen?
Connors: i’m reading the wiki for Teen Wolf, it was an MTV show, I guess
Connors: i still don’t know what you did, but I’ll get there

Gravy: Connors, I swear to God

Ilya: ppb-related question
Ilya: would any of you be willing to play “russian roulette” with a pellet gun pointed at penis?
Ilya: still hurts but not exactly dangerous

Carmy: no??

St. Vicky: ehhhh…maybe

Gravy: I will do anything to get into that chat

Hammer: Oh, Gravy, you won an award!

Gravy: ????
Gravy: I did????

St. Vicky: most embarrassing leak

Gravy: you know what, I’ll fucking take it! 

Ilya: okay, I am done packing, I have your gifts and some things to say to you idiots

St. Vicky: bequeathments! 

Ilya: Gravy, I’m giving you the winter landscape I painted and all my paint supplies
Ilya: i read that bullied brain book, you need to reset with calmness and positivity 
Ilya: I am sorry I helped break your brain, you should work to fix it

Gravy: oh, no i’m crying now, love you, cap!

Ilya: Connors, giving you the abstract sculpture you think is a frog (it is not, it is whimsy captured)
Ilya: I am having shipped to your house, also the artist has this companion piece I buy for you
Ilya: [link] I think looks like a lizard (is actually cautious hope)

Connors: that one is an axolotl, but omg, thank you, cap!

Ilya: Carmy, you are getting my anemone (gift 1)
Ilya: which is implicating you in my crime, so we are criminal brethren now (gift 2)
Ilya: and you are the only one who appreciates nemo as much as I do (gift 3)

Carmy: awww, Cap! Is there a clown fish that comes with it?

Ilya: no, we are not to be trusted with fish. Just anemone

Ilya: Hammer, i have all the books you picked out for yourself, and some I select for you
Ilya: one about leadership of rookies, you will be a good A
Ilya: also my chihuly piece, if you want
Ilya: you are right, looks exactly like a vagina 

Hammer: awww, Roz! 🩷

Ilya: Vic, I am leaving you everything we ever stole from Marly, Seb, and Hammer during prank wars

St. Vicky: oh hell yeah, including the little tuba contraption?

Ilya: seb’s old science fair project? yes
Ilya: also videos games I don’t want anymore
Ilya: and some records I got at a flea market

St. Vicky: sick, thanks!

Ilya: and some kitchen things I don’t need

St. Vicky: so, just your trash?

Ilya: if you had more depth I could have given you something more meaningful

St. Vicky: yeah, ok, that’s super fair

Ilya: Marly, I’ll give you your gifts in vegas, since you are away right now

Marly: thank you, Rozy! <3 

Gravy: wait, guys, now I’m all emotional
Gravy: hang on
Gravy: gonna update the chat name

Gravy has updated group chat name

The Boys, including Connors FULL TIME MEMBER

Ilya: oh, wow, gravy being sweet
Ilya: thought it would be something nice about me
Ilya: but this is good too, i guess?

Hammer: the man said, “watch me be cute” and announced an end to his one-sided beef

Carmy: gravy and connors are splashing around while cap is drowning

Ilya: i am drowning, yes
Ilya: but it’s only b/c my jane gets so wet for me
Ilya: i am right where I want to be

Marly: I got worried Roz really did go soft forever
Marly: but it’s nice to know some things never change
Marly: ice is cold, beer tastes good, Roz gonna talk about getting his dick wet
Marly: all is right with the world

Jane

12:19pm

Jane: quick question - why is cliff marleau asking me to meet up for dinner in montreal tonight?

Ilya: WTF???

The Boys, including Connors FULL TIME MEMBER

12:20pm

Ilya: Marly…are you in fucking Montreal?
Ilya: [link to @cliffmarleauofficial instagram story, picture from the top of Mount Royal]

Marly: yeah

St. Vicky: …why?

Marly: Nicole came up for a bachelorette party, I tagged along
Marly: we did restaurants and stuff last few days, she’s with her girls now
Marly: i’m hanging out, gonna sight-see

Ilya: just sight-see?

Marly: yeah, and you know, whatever

Ilya: you are trying to seduce hollander.

Marly: what? no i’m not!

Ilya: why else are you in montreal? While nicole is busy?

Marly: they have museums and stuff…

Hammer: omg, he is! he’s doing a friendship seduction!
Hammer: he wants a new best friend!
Hammer: and he’s tailoring it to hollander! He used clubs and strippers for us, but he’s going for museums and parks for Hollander?! 

Marly: I’m not trying to seduce him!
Marly: i just think if he wants to get dinner or something we’d get along
Marly: he’s like a weird version of Roz
Marly: sue me for wanting to hang out with the guy!

Connors: Cap, i’m scared you can’t leave us. Marly is already going insane

St. Vicky: do you think Hollzy will spill about montreal jane?

Marly: well, that’d be a plus, yeah

Ilya: marly, stop trying to force friendship on hollander!

Marly: never. you’re moving away and can’t stop me

 

Jane

12:24pm

Ilya: marly wants to see you to get info on jane
Ilya: and he honestly might be little bit in love with you

Jane: but marleau’s not gay?

Ilya: oh, my shanya
Ilya: straight men can fall in love with beautiful hockey players 

Jane: i’m gonna do dinner with him

Ilya: SHANE!

Jane: i’m not gonna fuck him!
Jane: obviously!
Jane: and you can call matt fucking damon about it if it bothers you

Jane: but, honestly I just want him to tell me stories about you
Ilya loves this message

The Boys, including Connors FULL TIME MEMBER

12:30pm

Hammer: are you actually doing dinner with hollzy? 

Marly: yeah, seven tonight

Hammer: book another seat, I’m hopping on a flight

Ilya: WHAT?

Hammer: I want Jane lore!

Ilya: i give you all such thoughtful gifts and this is my repayment

St. Vicky: my gifts were literally trash

Ilya: and yet you are not betraying me

Carmy: I can actually catch a flight too

Gravy: same

Connors: same

St. Vicky: fuck it, I’m in. Marly, tell Hollzy to invite jane to dinner

Ilya: I am buying my ticket now
Ilya: no one talks to my Jane, or about my Jane
Ilya: especially not to Hollander

Marly: who’s for real and who’s fucking around? I gotta change the reservation

Hammer: I’m buying tickets now
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Five others liked this message

Jane

12:38pm

Jane: what the fuck does Marly mean, “haha, surprise there’s more bears coming”???
Jane: and what does he mean “dress for the casino”

Ilya: you are party boy now, hollander
Ilya: you have to roll with punches

Hammer has created a new group
Hammer has added Ilya
Hammer has added Marly 
Hammer has added St. Vicky 
Hammer has added Connors
Hammer has added Carmy
Hammer has added Gravy
Hammer has added Jane
Hammer has renamed group

Best Bears + Center for Lame Canadian Team + THE Shane Hollander

12:45pm

Jane: hello? What’s happening?

Hammer: hi, Hollzy! We’re crashing the marly-hollzy date tonight
Hammer: dinner, then drinking and gambling
Hammer: let out your inner party boy

Marly: it wasn’t a date!

Jane: it kind of was, though
Jane: Marly was nervous when he asked me to dinner
Jane: asked about my food restrictions, atmosphere preferences
Jane: i don’t really know what’s going on, but i’m game

Gravy: holy shit, I’m in a gc with THE Shane Hollander

Jane: oh, Mike Graves? 
Jane: you’re the one who sent half-naked pics of Roz to the fake beyonce, right?
Jane: you didn’t know you were being catfished?

Gravy: oh…i mean, idk

Jane: very stupid
Jane: but with your corsi where it’s at the team should just let you be you, I guess

Gravy: holy shit??

Ilya: Gravy, that is shane hollander talk for “you are pretty enough to be a party boy”
Ilya: this is your dream, finally! Approval to join the pretty party boy chat!

Gravy: omg, omg

Ilya: Gravy has wanted this for years
Ilya: Hollander, you will do the honors?

Jane: my pleasure!

 

Pretty Party Boy Chat

Jane has added Gravy to the chat

Jane: adding Mike Graves (embarrassing leak award winner)
Jane: out of this group he’s probably got maybe the sixth prettiest snap shot?

Ilya: me, you, barrett, knoxy, jonesy?

Jane: well, i’m number one and jonesy’s is pretty but inconsistent…but yeah

Jonesy: Ouch

Knoxville: I mean, he’s tough but fair

Ilya: yes, is very fair assessment
Ilya: unfortunately, Hollander broke the rules and added new member without vote or admin override
Ilya: too bad, so sad, goodbye Gravy and Hollander!

Gravy: wait, NO!

Jane: wtf, rozanov?!

Ilya has removed Gravy from the chat
Ilya has removed Jane from the chat

Marly has added Jane to the chat

Marly: Sorry, Roz is doing mind games again
Marly: all in favor of a 6-week suspension?
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Marly has removed Ilya from the chat

Chapter End Notes

Marly: I am going to make Shane Hollander be my best friend!
Marly: and then I will introduce him to my other best friend and then I will have two best friends who can perfectly balance each other out!

*Ilya, silently approaching Marly from behind as the saxophone gets louder*

 
Meanwhile, in the PPB Chat:

Pretty Party Boys: Shane Hollander is mathematically and objectively the hottest, sexiest, best hockey player to ever grace the universe

Shane: Marly and the Party Boys are all pretty nice! I think I'll enjoy getting to know them all!

Ilya: Shane, they want to fuck you. They all want to fuck you, even if they don't know that's what they want, it is, in fact, what they want.

Kudos and comments give my brain the happy chemicals, so they're always appreciated!