Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

Gen

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Hayden Pike/Jackie Pike, Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike & Jackie Pike & Ilya Rozanov, Centaurs Rookies & Hayden Pike's Children

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Hayden Pike, Jackie Pike, Hayden Pike's Children, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Original Children of Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov, Ottawa Centaurs WAGs Ensemble (Game Changers)

Additional Tags:

Good Friend Hayden Pike, Supportive Ottawa Centaurs (Game Changers), Ottawa Centaurs Group Chat (Game Changers), Ottawa Centaurs Player Hayden Pike, Group Chats, Crack Treated Seriously, Post-Book 2: Heated Rivalry (Game Changers), Post-Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers), the pike kids decide to cause chaos on purpose, the rookies live up to their reputations as children, the pike kids and the rookies realize that shane and ilya actually have years of parenting skills under their belts, no beta we die like the montreal voyageurs

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-04 Updated: 2026-08-09 Words: 70,378 Chapters: 10/12

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

Summary

Ruby
We need to talk about Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya.
They are NOT ready to have a kid. So we need to make sure they’re ready by the time the baby arrives.

Jade
Also literally all of you need better phone security, this was way too easy.

Or, the Pike kids team up with the Centaur rookies to prepare Shane and Ilya for fatherhood.

Chapter 1: The Pike Kids Stage a Heist

Chapter Notes

Ruby and Jade Pike get their first cell phones when they turn twelve years old.

It’s mostly a (long-awaited) birthday gift from their parents, but if Hayden and Jackie are pressed on the matter, they’ll admit the phones are also a “sorry we uprooted your lives at a difficult age to move to Ottawa” bribe.

It’s not that the girls haven’t had any ways to communicate before this. They’d been wearing smart watches connected to Jackie’s phone for a while now. But cell phones were different. Cell phones had less monitoring and more freedom.

Cell phones were also a sign of maturity and trust, Jackie explained to them as they drove to the pre-season barbecue at the Hollander-Rozanov residence, and they were expected to behave and set good examples. 

Hayden and Jackie were nervous about the party. Not all of the faces would be new to the Pike family, but this was the first function where Hayden was there as a teammate and not a player who happened to be best friends with Shane Hollander.

Luckily, the Centaurs had a reputation for being one of the more welcoming teams in the league.

They walked into the backyard to a round of well-natured chirps at Hayden’s expense. Wyatt Hayes put a bottle of beer in Hayden’s hands. Cassie Bood immediately came to steal Jackie away to settle an argument. 

And that’s how the four Pike kids were left unattended within five minutes of entering their Uncles’ house.

***

Ruby and Jade opened their birthday presents on Thursday, during a dinner with the combined Pike-Hollander-Rozanov household. The new house was big and filled practically to the brim with boxes in every room.

The adults, incorrectly, thought the combination of pre-bed tablet time for the younger two and brand new phones to set up for the twins was a guarantee of time without little ears listening.

They failed to take into account the many hiding spots amongst the box labyrinth of the lower level.

Which is how all four Pike kids overheard their Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya announce they had officially started the adoption process. 

They were crouched behind a veritable wall of boxes containing most of the family room when they heard Shane say, “We finally submitted all the paperwork earlier this week.”

Jade locked eyes with Ruby as soon as they heard Jackie cry, “A baby!”

Arthur visibly brightened when Shane said, “Or an older kid, we haven’t completely decided yet.”

Ruby had to slap her hand over Amber’s mouth when Ilya said, “Yes, we are thinking maybe older. Would be nice for them to be close in age to their cousins, I think.”

When Hayden had finally overcome his shock to ask questions and share his excitement, his kids weren’t around to hear it. They were running upstairs on silent, socked feet to Amber’s half-furnished bedroom. 

As soon as the door closed behind them, Jade turned to her siblings and said with a deadly seriousness, “Okay, official Pike Kid meeting starting right now.”

“We’re going to be cousins!” Amber cheered

“And we are absolutely not supposed to know that,” Ruby said. “We cannot blow this secret. Dad already blew the last one.”

“What was the last one?”

“That Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya got married and kiss inside our house sometimes,” Arthur explained. “You were a baby so you don’t remember.”

Ruby scoffed, “Arthur, you were like four, you don’t remember that either.”

“Yes I do!”

“Hey!” Jade said, trying to get the train back on the tracks. “We need a plan.”

“What for?” Arthur asked. 

Ruby and Jade locked eyes again. They’d been working hard on their twin telepathy recently. They had a brief conversation, mind-to-mind, before Ruby said, “We need a plan to make sure Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are actually ready to be parents.”

Jade picked up her thread seamlessly, “Yeah, we like having them babysit because they let us get away with anything we want. But Mom and Dad never do, which is why they’re parents and not Uncles.”

“I think Mom would be an Aunt,” Arthur said, though he wasn’t sure.

“Not the point,” said Ruby.

“The point is they seriously need our help. And now,” Jade held up her new phone, “We have a new tactic.”

“You’re doing too much twin stuff,” Amber whined. “Say it normal.”

Arthur rolled his eyes, “Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya need us to teach them how to be parents. Except we don’t know they’re going to be parents, and we’re not allowed to tell them we know that. And also Ruby and Jade have phones now so we have more tools.”

Amber stuck her tongue out at him, “Just tell me what you need me to do, okay?”

***

Their mission starts as soon as their parents are whisked away by other adults at the party. The Centaurs as a team are not any bigger than the Voyageurs had been, but they tend to bring their whole families to parties, and groups of people are spilling off the deck and around the backyard. There are kids running everywhere, which provides excellent cover for the Pike kids.

Amber strikes first. Thankfully, she has an easy mark, because while she is willing to go along with any schemes to help her uncles, she also really wants to go play with Anya and the Boyle kids.

Holmberg is locked into a very serious discussion about Western Conference hockey gossip with two players Amber doesn’t recognize when she crawls behind his chair. He’s leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and really, he’s making her job too easy.

Amber slips her arm through the back of the chair and pulls his phone out of his back pocket. It had nearly fallen out on its own, and Amber has a moment of wishing this job had been a little harder. Still, she makes a clean getaway, stuffing the phone into her sweatshirt pocket and making her way back inside to the living room where Jade is waiting for her.

“You got it?” Jade asks before the door even closes behind her.

Amber pulls it out of her pocket and hands it over. “He didn’t even know I was there!”

“Good job.” Jade takes the phone and slides it open, no passcode, and sends herself a text before quickly deleting it. She hands the phone back to Amber and pulls out her own to add Holmberg’s number as a contact. “Okay, now give it back to him and you can go play.”

Amber skips back over to the circle of hockey players, walks right in front of Holmberg and holds his phone out to him. “This is yours!” She says with a grin.

Holmberg blinks at her, and says, “You’re one of the Pike kids.”

Amber nods. “Can you take your phone? I want to go play hide and seek with Anya and the other kids.”

“Oh, sure. Thanks?” He pauses for a moment, turning the phone over in his hands. “Wait, where did you get this?” But Amber has already joined in the game on the grass.

***

They let Arthur handle Luca Haas, because everyone, even the Pike kids, know Haas is basically incapable of being mean off the ice.

Luca is sitting on one of the outdoor couches with Troy when Arthur appears at his elbow. It’s one of Hayden’s least favorite tricks, but it makes Luca (and Troy) jump nearly out of their skin when they notice he’s there.

“Can I see your phone?” Arthur asks, without preamble. Ruby instructed him to make the encounter as unsettling as possible. Arthur’s relieved that means he can skip all the polite small talk Jackie has been working on teaching him.

“Mine?” Luca asks, looking around as if Arthur isn’t staring directly at him.

Arthur nods. Luca hands over his phone. Arthur nods again, this time in thanks, then spins on his heel and walks away to where Ruby is waiting for him, out of sight behind the grill.

“Nice work,” Ruby says, tapping the screen to keep it lit while she sends herself a text and then deletes it off the phone. “How’d you get him to unlock it?”

Arthur shrugs, “I just waited until he already had it opened and then asked for it. He just handed it over.”

Ruby grins and gives it back to him. Arthur promptly turns around and marches back to the couch with Luca and Troy. 

“I brought it back,” he announces, unnecessarily.

“Thank you?” Luca says, taking the phone from his hands. 

Troy tracks them both with his eyes. “You’re Pike’s kid, aren’t you?”

“Yup.”

As Arthur turns to walk away and find something to drink he hears Troy say, “Sure, that might as well happen.”

***

Ruby sets her eyes on Young once she sees Arthur hand back Haas’ phone. He’s been moving around the party with a high-energy grin Ruby is sure she can match. She tails him for a while, watching him drink a full beer (definitely not his first) and about half of another one. He leans against the railing, eyes scanning for a new conversation to join in, and that’s when Ruby strikes.

“Can I have a sip of that?” She asks, smiling.

Young looks around for an adult. He doesn’t find one. He realizes, with a dawning horror, he might be the adult in this conversation. This plays out clearly on his face and Ruby plans to exploit it.

“Of my beer?”

“Yeah! Please?”

“No! I’ve already sipped out of it, that’s like, gross.” Young makes a face.

Ruby scrunches her eyebrows like she’s thinking really hard, “That’s your only problem? You can go get another one. There’s like, a million in the cooler.”

“Yeah, sharing drinks is how you get mono…Wait how old are you? Also who are you?”

“I’m Ruby.”

“Okay, Ruby,” Young says slowly, clearly trying to think through the haze of beer and late afternoon sunshine. “Why do you want a sip of my beer?”

Ruby shrugs, “Just curious what it tastes like. My dad doesn’t let me have it and you seemed cool, so I thought I would ask.”

“Who’s your dad?”

“Hayden Pike.” There’s no point in denying it.

“Oh my god!” Young yells, “You’re like a little kid. I can’t give you beer!”

“I’m twelve!” Ruby argues, because, really, she and Jade are like the oldest kids at this party. “But fine,” she continues. “If you’re going to have that little chill, can I see your phone instead?”

Young grumbles, “I can be chill. I just don’t want Cap to murder me for giving you beer.” But he pulls out his phone, opens it, and hands it over.

Ruby takes it, surprised that worked. She thinks this operation should have been harder. She starts sending herself a text message, trying to type as quickly as she can.

Luck is firmly on the side of the Pike kids today, because as she sends the text, Bood walks over and says, “Why is Cap going to murder you?”

“He’s not! I didn’t give Pike’s kid beer so he and Hollzy have no reason to be mad at me.”

Bood laughs. The text goes through, Ruby quickly deletes it. 

Bood says, “We’re going to circle back to you debating giving a kid a beer in a minute, but first we’re going to tell Pike that you’re more scared of Roz in a situation concerning his kids.”

Ruby hands back the phone. “Thank you!” She says in her sweetest voice. “Well, thank you for letting me use your phone camera to fix my hair. I don’t want a beer though, I don’t know why you offered me one.” It’s never too early to lay the groundwork for not getting in trouble. Besides, she thinks, who are the adults going to believe: her or a drunk rookie? 

(It’s a dead tie. Wyatt organized an official poll when the story got back to Hayden that Young offered his daughter a beer and Young insisted Ruby asked for a sip. The Pike parents decide it’s not worth the argument and let Ruby get away with it.)

***

“Jade, you cannot blow this for us,” Ruby says, a few hours later. The sun has fully set, and some of the players with little kids are starting to pack up to leave. “We need LaPointe. You have to get his phone.”

“I know,” Jade says. “But he’s been sitting next to Uncle Shane all night! I haven’t had a good opening.”

“It’s too bad we can’t ask Uncle Shane to just give us his phone number.”

“Ruby, you’re a genius.”

It takes Ruby all of three seconds to understand Jade’s plan. “Oh my god, that could work. Okay, let me get my phone out and ready for it.”

Shane and LaPointe are sitting inside. Someone put on Moana a little while ago for the kids. Shane had walked inside for a breather and found LaPointe and Haas sitting on the floor with Boyle’s youngest, Milo, Susie and Amber. He’d chirped the rookies for living up to their reputation as children, and then gotten sucked into the movie himself.

Now, the movie is over. The actual children have either wandered away or been scooped up by their parents. The girls wait for Haas to go to the bathroom and then they move in to interrupt a conversation about Buffalo’s power play.

Ruby, phone open, plants herself behind the couch, leaning over the back, just slightly out of Shane’s peripheral vision.

Jade walks around the front and goes, “Uncle Shane! We need your help!”

Shane immediately turns to focus his attention on her. “What’s up, Jade?”

She waves her phone, “Do you know Uncle Ilya’s phone number? I thought I saved it on Thursday, but I must have deleted it accidentally and Dad won’t give it to me and I can’t find Uncle Ilya.”

Shane rattles off the number without hesitation, then says, “Ilya’s talking to Wyatt in the kitchen.”

Before he can realize he said the number way too fast for anyone to write it down, Jade says, “You have it memorized?!”

Shane nods slowly, like he isn’t sure why that’s impressive. 

Ruby pipes up from behind him, “Do you know Dad’s phone number?” Shane nods and recites it. 

Jade asks, “Wait this is fun. What about Mom’s?”

Shane knows that one too. The girls start running through the names of players they know; some are harder than others but he gets them all. 

LaPointe joins in easily, supplying names to the girls’ descriptions of players they don’t know as well. “Tall with the funny mustache” Abbott, second line defensemen. “Wearing that weird green hat” Gaines, backup goalie. “Kept calling Uncle Ilya ‘bro’” Dykstra.

When the only players left are the rookies, Jade doesn’t even have to prompt him. He says, “Hollzy, you gotta do me and the boys.”

Shane nods, he’s been taking this game very seriously. Jade knew he would. He gets out Haas and Young without issue. Then he pauses on the last two digits of Holmberg’s number, but LaPointe confirms he’s right on his own phone. And then there’s one player left.

“I know it, just give me a minute.” Shane says, gaze drifting to the ceiling like the answer  is written up there. Jade gnaws on the inside of her cheek, worried this plan isn’t going to work. “Okay, it’s…”

He gets a number out. Ruby makes eye contact and nods, she got the whole number. 

LaPointe is grinning, “Man, that was impressive. I think we got the whole team! How do you have space for all that in your head? I swear, I barely remember my own phone number sometimes. Especially when I’m trying to give it to a girl in a bar.”

Shane looks at Jade, like she knows what to say to that. Jadę swoops in to give Shane a quick hug and says, “Thank you!” before she and Ruby head back outside to raid the last of the dessert table.

***

They spend all day on Sunday crafting their first message. Arthur and Amber are helping, all of them piled on the bed in Amber’s room again. Amber doesn’t care to be involved in the day-to-day part of the plan, but she’s on board for Pike Kid Meetings to be debriefed. Jade and Arthur are nearly positive they figured out how to use an email address and get Arthur involved via his tablet.

Ruby sends the text right as Hayden calls up the stairs that dinner is ready.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

5:47 pm

Ruby added Jade and Arthur to the chat

Jade added Holmberg, Haas, Young and LaPointe to the chat

Ruby

We need to talk about Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya.

They are NOT ready to have a kid. So we need to make sure they’re ready by the time the baby arrives.

Jade

Also literally all of you need better phone security, this was way too easy.

Chapter End Notes

hello, this came to me in a vision during the slowest shift of work I've had in a while. I haven't written fanfic in nearly ten years but this show has me returning to my roots and I'm having so much fun. this will eventually be at least 50% group chats, I just needed a lot of setup to get to the group chat creation.

Chapter 2: A Fact-Finding Mission

Chapter Summary

Any good scheme is based in research, everyone knows this.

Chapter Notes

Fun fact: Rachel Reid never gives the rookies that aren't Luca a first name. So, for the purposes of this fic: Connor Young, Gabe LaPointe, Max Holmberg. I probably won't use first names for them a ton, but now if you see it you know.

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

5:47 pm

Ruby

We need to talk about Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya.

They are NOT ready to have a kid. So we need to make sure they’re ready by the time the baby arrives.

Jade

Also literally all of you need better phone security, this was way too easy.

Holmberg

What is this?

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

5:52pm

Berg

Show of hands - who else had a weird interaction with a Pike kid yesterday?

Haasy

✋

Young

✋

Pointy

Do I get double points if there were two of them?

Berg

Fuck

Boys, I think we’ve been played by a couple of children

Young

I knew it was weird the kid asked for a sip of my beer

Pointy

You’re just figuring this out now??

Haasy

It’s preseason you haven’t even had a concussion yet

Young

I’m an only child! How was I supposed to know!

Pointy

You were a child yourself at one point though, right? Did anyone ever give you beer when you were twelve?

Young

…

Berg

We’re getting off topic

The Pike kids seem to think Cap and Hollzy are having a baby??

Young

There’s no way that’s real

Haasy

It can’t be

They wouldn’t tell the Pike kids before us

Young

Aw Haasy don’t be sad I’m sure they still love you

Pointy

Idk guys it might be true

Hollzy was really happy to watch Moana with a kid in his lap yesterday

Berg

Now that you mention it I did see Cap offer to change Milo’s diaper so Cassie didn’t have to get up

Haasy

This is dumb hold on

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

6:12pm

Haas

Why do you think they’re going to have a baby?

Ruby

Because we overheard them tell our parents at dinner last week

Jade

They submitted paperwork! Which means its serious

Ruby

Which means we’re running out of time

LaPointe

Okay so the baby pikes might have good information

Young

Holy shit

Ruby

Swear jar!

Young

Don’t swear jar me! You got me yelled at yesterday

Holmberg

😂

Ruby

😈

LaPointe

So what’s the plan? 

Haas

Try and win a cup before the hockey husbands abandon us to become the hockey dads?

Jade

The PLAN is to teach them how to be parents before the baby comes. We would do it by ourselves but then we lose valuable time during away games. And Uncle Ilya is always talking about you and calling you the babies

Ruby

Actually he calls you the loud tall babies

LaPointe

We know😔

Holmberg

So you need us to…what? Talk to them about diapers? Not really my area of expertise but I can try

Jade

Right now we’re in a fact-finding stage. We need you to watch the two of them so we know what to work on with them. Find their flaws 

Ruby

Jade you read like two Nancy Drew books don’t be annoying

But yeah basically we’re gonna make a detailed list of all the reasons they absolutely cannot be parents and then we’re going to very secretly train them out of it and give them better habits

Jade

We’re coming to the rink tomorrow for the thing so you guys should make your list by then

If we want this to work we need to attack from all angles

LaPointe

I gotta give it to you Pikes, I like this plan. I don’t think they’ve ever had a conversation not about hockey or their dog so, I’m in for the sake of their future baby not coming out a little hockey robot

Holmberg

I’m in

Haas

Me too

Young

Me three

Even though I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me getting yelled at again

Ruby

😈

***

The thing is, Jackie Pike is a good mother. Everyone knows this. She loves her children more than life itself and she runs their household tighter than any Navy ship. She prides herself on being attentive to the needs of her children and anticipating them when she can.

The thing is, uprooting a family of six in the break between hockey seasons pulls a lot of focus. 

But, Jackie Pike is a good mother. So, when her only son asks her with his big sweet puppy dog eyes on Monday morning if they can “please go to the library today to check out some books,” Jackie decides they can take a few hours off of unpacking before they go to visit Hayden for the annual Centaurs Family Pre-Season Arena Tour and Skate. It would be good to explore their new city a little, she thinks, trying to avoid eye contact with the full boxes of kitchen countertop appliances.

Arthur is by far her quietest child. Which is to say, by most standards he’s still pretty loud. The girls are just on another level. (Ruby’s last report card read: Ruby is bright and sociable. She needs to work on moderating her volume and raising her hand before she speaks. It was so positive Jackie cried.) Arthur and Jade are her readers. Ruby and Amber tolerate reading enough to not complain every time they open a book.

In Montreal, Jackie and the kids went to the library once a week. They had it down to a science, and while she rarely said no to a title, she usually knew what books her kids were reading. She kept track of where they were in the building at bare minimum; on a good week she even kept their collective volume on low.

At the Ottawa library in the late morning, her phone goes off three separate times. First, it’s an email about the kids’ new school and the paperwork the front office needs by the end of the week so the kids can start with everyone else next week. Then, the moving company calls to tell her they found the missing boxes with the stuff marked for the guest bedroom, and when can she or her husband come pick them up from the office on the other side of the facility? And her mother sends her four separate texts asking when she can come see the house, even though they both know Jackie won’t let her come until everything is unpacked and really, they’ve only been kind of moved in for three weeks, it’s way too soon.

So, she’s a little distracted with all that, and with reminding Ruby and Amber to lower their voices, and with helping Jade find where they keep the Nancy Drews at this branch. And so she doesn’t see Arthur walk quietly over to the adult reference desk to ask in his most polite voice, making eye contact and everything (even though it physically pains him), “Can you please show me where you keep the books on how to be a good parent?”

The woman at the desk indulges him and walks him over to the 649s, asking, “Is someone in your life expecting a baby?”

Arthur nods, “My uncles are. I need to help them get ready.”

He picks out a medium sized book called Getting Your Child Through Life Unharmed (As Much as Possible, Anyway). It has some pictures, which is always a plus, and when he opens to a random page in the middle, he can read almost all of the words.

He slips it on the bottom of the pile of books to check out; under the Dog Mans and Nancy Drews and Owl Diaries that are piled up on the table in the kids’ room. He walks over to Jade and says, “I got it.”

Jade takes over. She scoops up the pile and tells her mom she’s going to check out for everyone using the cards they made when they first arrived. Jackie’s lost in the email from the school, and within minutes her children are ready to go. She’s so relieved she doesn’t have to give anyone a warning that she doesn’t even think to be suspicious about how well behaved they are.

***

Everyone is assembled back in Amber’s room for a Pike Kid Meeting. Arthur, head researcher, has finished reading the table of contents of the parenting book and has created a preliminary list in a brand new notebook of things Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya need to work on or learn how to do entirely before they have a kid.

They have to leave for the rink in twenty minutes.

The list is as follows:

1. Set rules and stick to them 
2. Teach kids healthy habits
3. Have difficult conversations
4. Accept it won’t be perfect

Shane and Ilya, famously, let the Pike kids get away with almost anything when they babysit if they ask enough times. They’re always letting them have an extra dessert or skip their vegetables if they really really don’t want them. Last year, they briefly made a game of asking the weirdest questions they could just to see how many times they could get one of them to say, “That’s a question for your dad,” in one night. Shane likes order and Ilya indulges him in it, which is why they are no longer allowed to play in the laundry room or the office at the Hollander-Rozanov residence.

“The only thing I didn’t put on the list,” Arthur says seriously. “Is the part about loving your kids un-con-di-tion-al-ly.” He sounds it out and looks to the twins for confirmation he said it right.

“That means all the time, no exceptions,” Jade says, as much for his sake as Amber’s.

“Right,” Arthur nods. “That’s what I thought. So, I didn’t write that one down because I figured they would do that. I mean, they love us and we’ve broken so many things in their house.”

“Yeah, they definitely have the love part down.” Ruby agrees. 

Jade says, “Uncle Ilya even loves Dad and Dad blew up their whole lives, so.”

Amber nods enthusiastically, hair flying in her face. “Yeah, the love part is easy for them.”

***

The rookies come up with a slightly different list.

Today’s optional skate is barely a practice. It’s the first day back and they spend half of the time making videos for the team socials and the other half listening to speeches from Coach Weibe and Ilya and Bood and Terry about all their plans for the year and the new training protocols and welcoming the new guys.

The rookies aren’t really technically rookies anymore. Even Haas has a few years under his belt at this point. But all four of them started in Rozanov’s first three years on the team, and it’s the understanding of everyone on the team that his view of them will never change. They are forever and always his rookies.

So, they welcome Pike and a few guys who are going to round out the fourth lines. They answer silly questions for a TikTok and serious ones for Instagram. They lie and promise Terry they will not push through injuries because they are not doctors. Ilya makes them do bag skates because he can.

They scrimmage in front of the WAGs and kids before families are allowed on the ice.

And the whole time, the rookies are distracted watching their captain and his husband. When the Pike kids said they weren’t ready to be parents, no one disagreed. The First Husbands of Hockey famously center their lives around winning Cups and slaughtering the Voyageurs on the ice. Not a super compatible lifestyle with raising children.

But the process of looking for areas of improvement makes it clear to them exactly how much intervention is needed. 

LaPointe pulls his phone out during a water break and everyone gathers around him. They have approximately eight minutes before everyone has water and Harris finishes filming whatever clip of Bood that’s happening at the far end of the rink.

“Okay, they argue with each other, like, all the time. It’s not new but that can’t be good for kids, right?”

“The PDA thing, also. Like it’s all the time, but then Hollander like can’t talk about it? What are they gonna do when the kid needs the birds and the bees talk?”

“Birds and the bees? What are you a hundred years old? Just say sex talk.”

“Okay, and Roz forgets his shit half the time. They’re going to leave the kid in the grocery store or something.”

“I can’t figure out how they’re going to teach this kid any manners. They both curse all the fucking time, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say please outside of a really gross context.”

LaPointe types as fast as he can, working up a list in the notes app on his phone:

1. Too much arguing
2. Too much PDA
3. Kids need a sex talk at some point
4. Forgetfulness
5. They don’t have manners

Haas looks over his shoulder. Shane and Ilya are playing some game of keep away with a water bottle. They’re both grinning. “They are grossly in love though. At least they have that going for them.”

***

The Centaurs Family Pre-Season Arena Tour and Skate has only been around for two years. It was pitched as an idea from the socials team. A great way to get some wholesome footage they can use throughout the season. Everyone had so much fun they decided to do it every year.

Unlike the barbecue, which extended invitations to all the support staff and their families, the Centaurs Family Pre-Season Arena Tour and Skate is limited to WAGs and kids. It’s meant to be a gentle skate around the ice and then a tour of the dressing room.

The thing about hockey kids is they’re basically born wearing skates. The thing about hockey kids is they think their hockey dad is the coolest guy on earth. The thing about hockey dads is they all want to be the best.

The thing about the Centaurs Family Pre-Season Arena Tour and Skate is that is quickly devolves into a hockey skills competition that rivals an All-Star Weekend.

The Pike kids are thrilled. Montreal didn’t have anything like this. Ruby and Olivia Boyle start racing each other around the outside of the rink, and soon nearly all of the kids join in. Ilya half-leads them and half sticks close by to grab them when they fall. Harris and Gen track them with cameras, Troy playing bodyguard.

“Of course they can skate like that,” Young says, a little in awe of the speed Jade has as she tries to check her sister into the boards.

“Right? I’m not even going to have to use nepotism to get them a spot in the PWHL.” Hayden says with pride, skating up to the rookie huddle at center ice.

“Nepotism? You?” Holmberg chirps.

“Fine, I’m not going to have to beg Shane to get my daughters into the league for me. They’ll do it all on their own,” he says. They watch Arthur scream as Aiden Chouinard bumps into him, but he stays on his feet. “We might have to switch to speed skating for Arthur, though. Less contact with other people.”

Young sizes up Hayden Pike for a moment. Sure, he’s a decent player. And he’s best friends with Shane Hollander, so it follows that he’s a good guy. But watching him beam with pride at his kids, and speak so confidently about their futures, Connor Young is struck by the fact that Pike might actually be a really good dad.

He doesn’t tell him this. 

Ruby breaks from the pack of kids and skates up to the rookies, spraying snow. “Bet you can’t beat me in a race!” she says, and takes off without looking back.

The Centaurs Family Pre-Season Arena Tour and Skate concludes in the dressing room. Without WAGs or kids of their own, the rookies sit in front of their stalls and watch the photo shoots happening around them. Lots of kids in their dad’s jerseys, and dads bending down to unlace little skates. It’s very wholesome. Gen is having a field day with her camera.

Amber wanders away from her family while Ruby and Jade distract not only their parents but Shane, Ilya and Troy with a breathless, overlapping recount of the race they had on the ice like none of them had been there to witness it.

“Baby Pike, what’s up!” Holmberg says, putting out his fist for a bump.

Amber crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m six, you know.”

Holmberg stares at her, shakes his fist a little.

Amber stares back.

She breaks first and fist bumps him. “I’m supposed to ask if you found your facts.”

“Got them on my phone,” LaPointe says. “Here, I’ll send them in the group chat right now.”

“Good. Ruby says we’re gonna have a meeting tonight to talk about the lists and what we can do first. And Jade wants to know if you guys put passwords on your phones yet.”

All four boys make a noise of disbelief. Haas asks, “How did you guys even do that?”

“Yeah,” says Young. “That was sneaky.”

“And weird,” adds Holmberg.

Amber shrugs, “It was easy. Arthur thinks it’s because we were at a party and you were distracted. But I think you guys might not be that smart.”

“Hey!”

“That’s not-”

“Young might not be, but the rest of us-”

Ilya breaks away from the group and makes his way towards Amber and the rookies. He comes up behind her and swings her into the air and onto his shoulders.

“You are bullying my rookies?” He smiles up at her.

“Well,” she starts, but she’s already giggling from where he lightly tickles her sides.

“Good,” Ilya declares. “Their egos were getting too big.” His gaze shifts to the rookies, who have mouths wide open in shock at the betrayal. “Loud tall babies, be nice to my Amber. She is a top five Pike.”

He brings Amber back over to her family. She gets off Ilya’s shoulders and climbs into Shane’s lap on the bench. Ruby and Jade turn around at the same time, like they’ve practiced the move. (They have.) They lock eyes with each of the rookies. Ruby mouths, “Later.”

Young starts counting Pikes. “…five, six. But he said top five, so…”

“Oh my god, dude. He was chirping Hayden.”

“Keep up my guy, it’s getting embarrassing.”

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

4:39pm

LaPointe

[image attached: screenshot of the notes app containing the rookie’s list from earlier in the day]

8:47pm

Arthur

[image attached: slightly blurry, but still readable, photo of the notebook page containing the Pike list with rookie items added below it]

Jade

Okay so this is a pretty good list to start. I think we can move on from fact-finding and start making plans to fix some of these things

Ruby

Don’t be a nerd, I told you fact-finding wasn’t cool

Jade

Shut up

Arthur

[image attached: front cover of the parenting book from the library]

If I find more things in here can we add them to the list later

Holmberg

Woah you guys did like…actual research???

LaPointe

Oh this is serious serious

Jade

@Arthur yeah we can add to the list whenever you find something

Haas

If you need help with the book let us know! 

Well, you can let me know

Swiss schools are very good. I cannot speak for the others

Young

Hey!

LaPointe

Rude??

Holmberg

Dude

Ruby

Wait I didn’t know hockey players knew how to read

Jade

We are getting off track AGAIN

I think for pre-season we need to find something we can attack on both fronts since you guys will be with them at the rink and we’re going to see them at home

Arthur

Yeah they keep coming over to help unpack but mostly they watch movies with us instead

LaPointe

I wanna come to movie night😔

Ruby

Shit Mom’s coming upstairs 

We can keep planing tomorrow! Bye!

Young

Swear jar! Ha!

Holmberg

Dude

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

9:08pm

Haasy

This might be a new low for you Young

Pointy

No because he’s really beefing with a twelve year old

Berg

[image attached: Young with his head in his hands, sitting on the end of the couch. The picture has been taken from the opposite end, where one can assume Holmberg is sitting]

I think he’s genuinely upset

Young

Leave me alone🖕

Chapter End Notes

I am in fact a real-life children's librarian, so I am obligated to make the Pike kids Library Kids. Yes, that is the real Dewey number for parenting books. No, the book Arthur picks isn't a real title.

Also, thank you all for reading! Did not expect so much love on the first chapter. I'm giving you all a kiss on the forehead.

Chapter 3: Babyproofing!

Chapter Summary

A (not so) simple three-step guide

Chapter Notes

this chapter kicked my ass. it was supposed to be a couple thousand words, a cute little pre-season scheme. but then the logistics got complicated, and I can't resist any chance to add in a little character study work, so. 5k words ostensibly about doorknob covers. enjoy.

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

2:17pm

Arthur

What does hazard mean

Haas

Like a danger

Arthur

Okay

2:26pm

Arthur

What does precursor mean

Haas

Something that happens before something else

Arthur

Okay

2:46pm

Arthur

I have an idea

Holmberg

Alright little dude let’s hear what you’ve got

LaPointe

I already know it’s going to be good if he was using Haasy like google

My boy can READ

Arthur

The first chapter of the book is all about getting ready for a baby

And I know they said they were gonna get a kid and not a baby but what if they do and then their house isn’t ready

Young

Babyproofing!

Holmberg

How do you know that and you didn’t know not to give Ruby a beer?

Young

It was one time!

Ruby

It’s because he’s not smart

Haas

You know, even if they do get a kid and not a baby, it’s probably still a good idea to do it. They own a lot of breakable stuff, even someone older could be in danger in that house

Ruby

Even someone older? I know I’ve broken stuff there but why does that sound like you have too?

LaPointe

Quick show of hands: who’s broken something in Shane and Ilya’s house before?

Young

✋

Jade

✋

Holmberg

✋

Arthur

✋

Ruby

✋

✋(this one is for Amber)

Haas

✋

LaPointe

✋

Oh this might be really bad

Jade

Okay that settles it

Our first mission is: operation babyproof the house

***

Pre-season ends around the same time school begins for the Pike kids. Which is to say, soon. Which is to say, they have a small window of time to conduct Operation Babyproof.

The way Jade sees it, once life becomes road trips for the team and homework for the kids, they’re going to have to delegate different responsibilities to the rookies. Divide and conquer. Which, she thinks, might work in their favor. The rookies can have conversations and get away with different things than the Pike kids. 

Like, she thinks, they can handle the sex talk one. She and Ruby had that conversation with Jackie a few months ago and she’s not looking for a repeat conversation. Especially not from her uncles of all people. Though, that might be exactly Ruby’s preferred flavor of chaos.

Anyway, they spent the better part of a week planning this operation. School starts on Monday, pre-season ends on Thursday. So, Saturday it is. Jade’s proud of this plan. While they’re still in the last dregs of summer, they can do this mission together. It’s a highly coordinated plan that requires all eight of them on their A-game. She just hopes everyone brings it.

***

Step One: Get themselves invited to the Hollander-Rozanov residence.

Jackie and Hayden declare that Friday is the day they are going to finish unpacking. It’s a bold claim, considering they still live in a box labyrinth. The walls of the maze are shorter now, though, so they are getting somewhere. It’s the perfect opening.

Hayden has a mandatory morning skate and an optional afternoon dry land workout. He’s been making it a point to show up to everything to make a good impression on the team. When he runs the idea by Ilya, his captain he thinks with a shudder, that he might skip Friday afternoon, Ilya laughs and says, “You will be helping Jackie? And lifting heavy things, yes? Just don’t injure yourself.”

Hayden gets home right as Jackie and the kids are sitting down for lunch. The Pike family have been living exclusively on takeout in order to not have to clean dishes while unpacking.

Hayden joins them at the table with a carton of lo mein, “Amber, honey, chew with your mouth closed.”

Amber locks eyes with him and shoves more noodles in her mouth, chews obnoxiously.

“That’s disgusting,” says Arthur.

“You’re disgusting,” she says back, little bits of noodle spewing from her mouth. 

Ruby screams, “Some of her spit got on my chicken!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Amber,” Hayden tries again, “Mouth. Closed.”

Amber slumps in her seat. Jade shoots her a smile.

Once lunch is done, Jackie starts handing out assignments. Arthur and Amber’s rooms are mostly unpacked, so they get sent to try and organize the playroom on the first level. The twins shared a room back in Montreal, but (finally) each have their own rooms here. Jackie sends them upstairs with orders to not come back until they’ve successfully divided their clothes across the hall.

The girls work in silence for a little bit, genuinely going through sweatshirts and jeans and deciding which closet they’ll live in. It’s not actually that difficult. They’re still the same size and decided weeks ago they would still both have free access to everything. The best part of being a twin is the extra wardrobe.

They’re down to the last box, about halfway through, when Ruby looks at Jade and says, “You ready?”

Jade nods.

Ruby inhales, offers the other sleeve of the sweatshirt to Jade, then yells at top volume. “You can’t have it!”

“But it was mine first!”

“No, it was mine! You stole it!”

“I didn’t steal it because it was already mine!”

Jackie and Hayden run up the stairs to find their daughters in a screaming match, playing tug of war over a sweatshirt with some Minecraft…thing on it. Hayden can’t remember its name. He actually can’t remember the last time he saw either of them wear that sweatshirt. Lately everything is PWHL hockey or K-Pop Demon Hunters. Minecraft was big like two years ago in the Pike house.

They separate the girls and decide the sweatshirt is going to live in Amber’s closet. Jackie stays upstairs to supervise the rest of the final box. Threats of cleaning every bathroom with a toothbrush should they get into another fight are doled out.

They get to the bottom of the box (a pink sweatshirt they gift to Amber voluntarily, as a show of goodwill) when a loud crash and the skittering of several thousand lego pieces hitting hardwood floors vibrates the house.

“This day,” Jackie mutters, as she and the girls make their way downstairs.

When Arthur was born, a lot of people gifted the Pikes legos. They’d had some already. Ruby and Jade wanted them for Christmas after playing with them at a friend’s house. After Arthur was born, and he was a boy, well then it was apparently finally appropriate for these toys to be in the house.

The twins played with legos casually, usually using them to enhance some grander game they were playing. Arthur played with them for a while as a toddler, and lost interest after that. All these legos that everyone had bought specifically for him, and he would rather play with stuffed animals or follow his sisters around and be directed in their games.

Luckily, Amber loved them, loves them still. By the time she came around, and stopped putting everything in her mouth, they had a solid stockpile. Then, Amber spent every birthday and Christmas since she could talk asking for more.

So, now, they have enough of the little blocks that they were organized by color and size and lived in dozens of clear plastic bins. Arthur and Amber were supposed to be putting those bins on the shelves of the bookcase spanning most of the wall.

While Amber was working on shuffling the bins around, arranging them just so, Arthur went over and shook the bookcase. It was mounted to the wall, thankfully, so the bookcase itself stayed put, but the bins were slightly larger than the shelves and they hung off the edge just a little. The combined force of the shaking and the few inches hanging over the edge sent everything flying.

Crucially, and Ruby would feel guilty about this later, Amber was not in on this one part of the plan. They needed her genuine reaction.

The boxes all fell off. The pieces went sliding all across the hardwood.

There were exactly three full seconds of complete silence in the house.

And then Amber started crying.

Hayden slid into the room first, took one look at the scene as a whole before assessing both kids for injuries. He found none, Arthur had picked his moment well.

Hayden scooped a sobbing Amber into his arms when Jackie and the girls made it downstairs. Jackie was at her wits end, frustrated with the day. She didn’t mean to yell at Arthur, but it was clear from the crying that Amber hadn’t knocked everything over. But her words came out harsher than intended. Not quite a yell, but.

Arthur’s lip wobbled, he tried to blink back tears. He had known, they had all known, that the plan was to annoy their parents. They had been deliberately faking fights and causing chaos all afternoon. But Amber’s crying was real. Jackie’s frustration was real. And Arthur had a feeling he was about to be in trouble for real.

Jade made her way over to him and pulled him into a hug. “You did good,” she whispered in his ear. It stopped the tears from falling.

Amber finally calmed down, and the whole family got to work on picking up the mess. It was slow going, the blocks really had gone everywhere. Hayden, at one point, stepped on one and let out a string of words that had all four kids yelling “Swear jar!” like they had just won the lottery.

It took over an hour.

And even then, Amber wasn’t satisfied with the organization. But, the sun had set and they all needed some food in their systems.

“Amber, honey, it can be a tomorrow project,” Jackie said, rising to her feet. There were probably enough leftovers from lunch to cover them for dinner, she thought. It hadn’t been the day Jackie wanted. Aside from a couple boxes of clothes upstairs and whatever Hayden had managed in the garage, they had basically finished the day exactly where they started.

Jackie took a few calming breaths, tried not to think about how soon Hayden would be on the road half the time and how the school schedule would dominate all their time at home. She tried really hard not to think about her mother and what she would say when she “popped in” for a visit unannounced next week when she decided Jackie had taken too long to unpack everything.

The kids raced each other into the kitchen, everyone in this house moved at top speed at all times. Jackie took a step forward, meaning to follow them.

Her bare foot landed on a single, lone, lego block that hadn’t made its way back into a bin. Jackie bit her tongue as to not scream, but it was her final straw after a day full of fighting and disasters, a muffled hiss left her throat. She turned to her husband.

“Already texting Shane,” he said, pressing a kiss into her temple. “I’m not even asking. I’m telling him when we’ll be there in the morning.”

***

Step Two: Supply Run

The four rookies didn’t actually live together, despite what any senior player on the Centaurs would tell you. They were grown adults who all needed their own space. But, and Holmberg had tried rationalizing this to Bood several times before giving up, this was basically their college experience. So, it made sense for them to all rent apartments in the same building. They were just trying to have an authentic experience. They kept it quiet that they were all purposely on the same floor.

It was a small apartment building, only about six units to a floor. So, Haas, Young, LaPointe, Holmberg, the staged unit for tours, and Ms. Jackson, a sweet old woman with poor hearing.

They tried to rotate which apartment they hung out in, if they could remember. Headquarters for today was Holmberg’s place.

Obviously, the Pike’s had the easier first step of this plan. Terrorizing their parents the perfect amount so that they avoid getting grounded and instead get shipped off to their uncles for the day? Yeah, Luca would much rather figure out where to buy baby proofing supplies.

It was a slow process, considering that they were trying to babyproof a house they 1. didn’t live in and 2. needed to leave almost completely untouched. The whole plan went to hell if Shane and Ilya realized what was going on during the very first mission. They sent Luca and Young out to the hardware store, while LaPointe and Holmberg stayed behind to keep researching and planning how to get their supplies inside unnoticed.

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

1:33pm

Haasy

[image attached: a box of outlet covers]

How many of these do you think we should get?

Berg

Well how many outlets do they have?

Young

Who just knows how many outlets are in someone else’s home? Shit I don’t even know how many are in my home and I live there

Also Luca where are you? I’m lost in the gardening section

Haasy

How?

Just stay there I’ll find you

I’m getting five boxes

Pointy

Don’t forget the door things!

Berg

Yeah, like every website says those are important

Young

Yeah we got a bunch already

Couldn’t remember what kinds of doorknobs they have so we got all of them

Berg

And the drawer stuff?

Young

Got those too

Hey Luca’s here!

Haasy

We should have everything

Pointy

Well if we forgot anything I guess we can always run this op again in a few months

Berg

Nope. I don’t like op. Try again

Pointy

We can always stage this heist?

Young

Not really a heist though. Kind of the opposite actually

Pointy

Hold on I’ll think of one

Haasy

Just give up now

Berg

Listen to Caps favorite kid Pointy

Pointy

Whatever

Who’s driving to practice later?

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

8:42pm

Ruby

Guess who just booked themselves a full day stay at Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya’s house tomorrow?

LaPointe

Sick so the plan worked?

Jade

We’re getting dropped off at 10 and not getting picked up until after Mom and Dad eat dinner

Haas

Nice work!

Young

Alright!

Who’s ready for a spontaneous rookie dinner?

***

Step Three: Babyproof the house (without getting caught)

As promised, the kids got dropped off by Hayden at ten o’clock on the dot with a heavy sigh and a “good luck.” The morning went by quickly. They all took Anya for a walk on the hiking trail behind the house. Then, Ilya and the twins played a few intense rounds of MarioKart while Shane and Arthur made snacks and Amber tried to paint Anya’s nails (it was going better than her last attempt, anyway).

Lunch came and went without fuss. They ate and put on 101 Dalmatians (it was Ilya’s turn to pick) for some quiet time. Arthur and Ruby got completely sucked into the movie, Jade pulled out the book she brought with her. Amber insisted she was too big for naps but curled up into Shane’s side and closed her eyes halfway through anyway. After the movie ended, they figured they might as well make it a marathon and put on the sequel.

All in all, a pretty typical babysitting day. Ruby even caught her uncles whispering at one point that her parents must be dramatic, because they’d been nothing but good all day.

This, if nothing else, highlighted the problem more than anything. Of course, the Pike kids had been good today. They were always good at their uncles’. It’s easier for a kid to be good when it’s not their own house. But soon, Shane and Ilya were going to have a kid who lived in this house permanently and they would expect their kid to always be good, which simply wouldn’t happen.

And, on the off chance it was a baby and not a kid, they were absolutely going to get hurt crawling around the place.

So, when the movie ended, Ilya ushered the three oldest Pike’s into the kitchen with him to start making dinner. “Let them sleep,” he said as they made their way out of the room.

“But Uncle Shane isn’t sleeping,” Arthur pointed out.

“Yes, but he is very tired. I think if we leave him there long enough he will take a nap. Would be good for him, he gets very cranky without one.”

Ruby’s phone buzzed in her sweatshirt pocket. She pulled it out to see a text from their group chat with the rookies.

Holmberg: 20 minutes

Go time.

***

Thirty-five minutes later, all four rookies piled out of Young’s car. They tried not to make a habit of showing up unannounced after a particularly traumatizing walked-in-on-the-hockey-husbands instance last spring. But, for all of Ilya’s chirping, he had always made each of them feel at home.

And, the presence of the Pike kids meant their eyes and their innocence would be saved tonight.

The bags from the hardware store were in the backseat of the car, which Young never locked anyway. One of them was going to sneak back out to bring them in once the chaos inside was sufficient. For now, all four of them went to the door.

They made Luca stand in the front and knock because he was the undisputed favorite.

The door swung open.“Hi!”

Luca had been expecting Ilya to answer and immediately close the door in their faces. Or, maybe it would be Shane and he would at least ask them why they were here before, maybe, kicking them out. It was an unlikely option, but they figured if one of the twins got the door they’d at least be let in without questions.

Instead, Luca stared down Amber. He wasn’t even sure how much of the plan she even knew. She wasn’t in the group chat. She was young enough he wasn’t actually entirely certain she could read yet. (She could.) He was pretty sure the adults in charge of her shouldn’t be letting her answer the door unattended.

“Hi,” he answered.

Holmberg stepped forward to save him. “Wanna let us in Baby Pike?”

“Don’t call me a baby and maybe I will.”

“Fair enough. You wanna let us in, kid?”

Amber nodded, then turned and walked back inside. Holmberg shrugged and followed her in. Whatever works.

“No. Absolutely not. Out of my house.” Ilya was standing in the middle of the kitchen, brandishing a spatula at his rookies.

“But Cap, look! We brought Luca!” Young shoved Haas forward, not unlike a human sacrifice.

“Of course you brought Luca. Four of you are extremely codependent. Get out.”

“Codependent? Who taught you that word-” Shane rounded the corner into the kitchen. “Uh, hey guys. Why are you in our house?”

Ilya spoke first, “Troy did. I think he was trying to insult me. Now, tall loud babies, answer Shane’s question.”

LaPointe cleared his throat. “We wanted to come for dinner. You know, the season starts soon and the nerves never really go away and all that. And you’re always saying to come to you if we need anything…” Was he selling it? He couldn’t tell.

Shane’s face softened. “Normally we’d love to have you over for dinner but we’re watching Hayden’s kids tonight.”

“What he said. Goodbye.”

“Ilya!”

“What? You want us to feed eight children with four boxes of pizza bagels? Is not enough.”

LaPointe looked at Holmberg, who looked at Haas, who looked at Young. Young looked to Ruby, tried to convey with his eyes that she needed to do something.

She leaned on the edge of the island. “Uncle Shane please can they stay?”

“You…want them to stay for dinner?”

“Yeah!” Jade said. “It’ll be like a party!”

With a couple of puppy dog eyes from Arthur, Amber, and Haas, the rookies were formally invited to dinner.

The rest of the night goes like this:

They supplement the pizza bagels with actual pizza. While they wait for it to be delivered, they reconvene for MarioKart in the living room. Holmberg excuses himself to use the bathroom and sneaks out to Young’s car. He hides one bag under the sink in the downstairs bathroom and the other he places next to the shoe rack by the front door. Hiding in plain sight is a thing, right?

The rookies become a revolving door. At all times, one of them is out of the living room and sneaking outlet covers out of the bag by the door and into any empty sockets they can find. Five boxes was way too many - they stop finding outlets to cover halfway through the third box. Young shoves the rest of the boxes in the back of the coat closet.

Meanwhile, it’s time to fake some accidents. This is where Ruby gets to enact her favorite new word: gaslighting. Haas, human google, explained it last night while they hammered out the final details of the plan. Ruby did not feel guilty in the slightest, Haas couldn’t say the same.

Arthur pretends to slam his finger in a kitchen drawer when he goes to get a cup of water and comes back into the living room with a pretty convincing sniffle. Ilya’s pinned down by Amber, who is absolutely, definitely not tired, and Shane is helping Ruby beat Rainbow Road. LaPointe jumps up and says he’ll grab the ice pack.

He fishes one out of the freezer and grabs a kitchen towel to wrap it in. He also stops in the bathroom to grab the baby locks for the drawers and cabinets.

“Hey, sorry I wasn’t trying to snoop or anything, but I went to get a towel and found these in the closet?” He holds up the baby locks. “I don’t know, they seem like the kind of thing that could help.”

He passes Arthur the ice pack. Shane and Ilya have a silent conversation with their eyes that the entire room can read. They don’t know where the locks came from and neither of them wants to admit it.

“Uh, yeah. Been meaning to put those in. Thanks, Gabe. You can just leave them on the counter in the kitchen.” Shane says, with a calmness betrayed by the furrow in his brow.

“Cool.”

Arthur demands his hurt finger requires him to sit between both of his uncles on the couch. So, Ruby gets booted to the floor. She waits for a few minutes, watching Young and Holmberg go head-to-head in the game. Between the sounds from the TV, the constant stream of chirping from everyone, Jade’s loud story from the other side of the coffee table, and Arthur’s restlessness, no one even sees LaPointe scoot backwards on the floor and try to cover an outlet one-handed, behind his back, sneaking the cover out of his sweatshirt hoodie.

But just in case either of her uncles lock in on LaPointe’s weird crab walk, Ruby stands up and says, “Where’s my phone?” Almost no one hears her, which she expected, but it adds to the cacophony in the room, giving him a little more cover. “I’m going to look for it,” she says, and leaves the room.

Her phone is on the counter in the kitchen, for plausible deniability. She passes through, leaving her phone on the counter, grabs the bag of doorknob covers from the bathroom and beelines for the office. With summer hockey camps over for the year, it’s common knowledge this room is used just a few times a month, and only usually when Shane makes a call for a brand deal.

She puts the bag next to the desk, just out of the way. Hopefully, it’ll be noticed sometime in the next month. Like the drawer locks, everyone is keeping their fingers crossed that whichever man finds it will think the other one bought them and neither will ask questions. And that they’ll install them.

When Ruby makes it back to the living room, phone in hand, the only thing left to do is plant the seed.

The noise levels of the room have clearly gotten to Shane, who mumbles something like “Where the hell is Hayden?” when Ruby plops herself down at his feet.

Ilya must hear him, because he claps his hands and says in his Captain Voice, “Okay! Is late! We take Anya for a walk and then everybody goes home.”

The rookies straighten up immediately. Ruby laughs at them. Jade says, “I’ll go get her leash!” and darts out of the room while Arthur and Amber both jump up from the couch, suddenly full of energy.

Jade grabs Anya’s leash off the hook by the front door and then takes it with her into the laundry room. She mentally apologizes to Shane for what she’s about to do, and then, in a stunning repeat of Arthur’s lego stunt, pulls down the jar of scent beads and lets it crash to the floor.

They’re not as loud as the legos were, but it still brings everyone into the laundry room. Jade forces tears into her eyes. It’s harder than the movies make it seem; she has to start thinking really really hard about the kind of trouble they’ll be in if her parents find out what they’ve been doing.

Shane makes it to the doorway first. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Jade nods, wills tears to fall. They don’t, but they do well up in her eyes. That’ll work. “I’m sorry!” she cries. “I couldn’t find the leash and I thought it might be in here and I went to check on the shelf and the whole thing fell!”

“But you’re okay?”

She sniffs, “I’m okay.”

Now Ilya has pushed his way through the crowd of children into the room. “Is okay. The jar was plastic anyway. Nothing we can’t fix.”

They leave the mess in the interest of getting everyone outside the house. Does one dog need ten people to walk her? Probably not. But Ilya insists everyone is going on the walk, so everyone goes.

The kids take turns holding Anya’s leash, running alongside her in the dusky light. Holmberg gives Amber a piggyback ride. Young and LaPointe race each other down the road, shoving each other and laughing.

Haas hangs back, walking a few steps in front of the hockey husbands.

Shane is saying quietly to Ilya, “We’ve never put her leash in the laundry room, how did it end up there?”

“I don’t know, моя любовь, there have been a million people in our house all day. Anything could have happened.”

“I just know we hung the leash up this morning.”

Ilya makes a small noise of agreement, but says nothing else.

Luca inhales and spins around so he’s walking backwards. He tries for casual and probably falls just short, landing somewhere in a nervous territory when he says, “You know, they make those doorknob covers. If you got those you could keep the kids out of rooms like that.”

Ilya squints at him, “How do you know about these?”

Luca shrugs, “We had them on every door in my house growing up. And then Gabe found those drawer things in your closet and it reminded me.”

“Not a bad idea,” Shane says.

Ilya nods, “No, not bad. Now go bother other children. Adults need five minutes of no one talking.”

***

Hayden and Jackie are in the driveway when they get back from the walk.

“What the fuck, Rozanov? Why is half the team here?”

“Swear jar!”

Ilya snorts. “We, ah, had some last minute guests. Needed to get everyone out of the house.”

“Hey Pike!” Holmberg calls, as if he just walked into the locker room, and didn’t currently have Hayden’s youngest on his back. “Your kids are cool!”

Jackie turns to Shane, “Did they destroy your house today? Please be honest. I mean, I’m probably not going to do anything about it either way, but I want to know.”

Shane laughs, “It’s not destroyed. Much. It was mostly just loud.”

Jackie nods in sympathy and pats his shoulder. “So, business as usual then.”

The Pikes run into the house to grab whatever belongings they brought with them for the day; a book, a sweatshirt, a phone charger. They scramble into the car while Jackie and Hayden profusely thank Shane and Ilya, then more cautiously, thank the rookies, just in case they did something to help.

“You’re welcome,” Young says.

“Dude, you barely did anything,” LaPointe scoffs.

Ilya does not let the rookies back into the house. “Nope,” he says, physically blocking the door. “I see you all have your phones in your hands. Young has keys in his pocket. Goodbye, see you in three days.”

Shane doesn’t argue with him. “Hope you guys are feeling more settled, or whatever it is you came over for.”

The boys chirp and squawk, because of course they do, but they know they’ve overstayed their welcome so they don’t push it. 

Shane and Ilya are inside, door locked, lights off, before Young’s car clears the driveway.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

8:27pm

LaPointe

Nice work today gang

Haas

We’re never getting another invite to their house are we

Holmberg

No we are not

Jade

You didn’t have one today and that didn’t stop you

Ruby

Yeah! Plus you can always gaslight them into thinking they invited you over

Holmberg

Something tells me that will be harder than you make it sound

LaPointe

Even if we never go back, the mission was a success. I’m happy with that

Haas

I’m not. I like going to their house

Jade

Don’t worry Luca, one of the things on the list is about accepting your kids as they are

I’m sure we can spin that into getting you back there somehow

Ruby

Yeah I mean we didn’t lose our invite so we can vouch for you

Young

Even me?

Ruby

We can vouch for everyone but you

Chapter End Notes

upcoming chapters probably (she lied, but with good intentions) won't be this long. hockey season is starting soon so we won't have all eight players active at one time anymore!

love you all, thank you for reading💜

Chapter 4: The Centaurs and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Roadie

Chapter Summary

“We are fixing this curse now so that we do not lose to fucking New Jersey tomorrow.”

Chapter Notes

I had about half of a different chapter drafted but then I went to an actual NHL game and had the idea for this chapter in the middle of the second period. I figured that was probably divine intervention and followed that impulse and here we are! It's rookie heavy and it was a fun challenge to write so I hope you enjoy :)

Wyatt Hayes has some of the best goalie eyes in the league. This is a known and feared fact about him. Goalies need good eyes, obviously, in order to react to the puck before it flies off the blade of a stick. It comes down to a lot of training and a touch of brain chemistry.

The thing about goalie eyes, is they don’t turn off.

Wyatt doesn’t even really notice it anymore. His brain goes a mile a minute on a calm day; categorizes everything he hears and sees into neat little boxes in the storage unit of his brain. The information sits there, little clues piled together, untouched for months. Then, one day, typically without any warning, a fully formed picture springs forward in his mind. It’s how he figured out Lisa was going to propose, anyway.

Most of the information he collects turns in to nothing. When Dykstra made a comment about Caitlin asking him to pick up peanut butter and pickles on the way home, something fizzed in the back of Wyatt’s mind. When Bood started putting on his left skate first, not his right, something pinged, like a penny dropped into an empty can. Nothing came of either situation. 

Sometimes people are just weird.

Wyatt settles in the dressing room now, as his team celebrates another win at home. It’s still early in the season, but it’s been a strong start. Sure, they have their first road trip coming up, but no one’s all that worried about it. Playing New York will be a stress test, it always is. Nothing they haven’t practiced for.

Still. They beat Buffalo 4-3 tonight. The energy in the room is high, good. It crackles with a kind of electricity.

Wyatt stands in the corner, slowly emerging from his gear, eyes scanning the room. Mostly, though, he’s thinking about how it’s weird that everyone accepts cartoon characters will always wear the same outfit but if you tried to do that in a live-action production it would be extremely weird.

Internal monologue running at full speed, his eyes catch things and deposit them right into storage, bypassing conscious thought entirely.

Bood takes off both skates before removing his helmet.

Hollander tosses Rozanov something small without looking. Rozanov catches it without breaking his conversation with Barrett.

The kids all sitting, still half in their gear, staring at their phones. They all laugh at the same time. Young tells them all they can fuck off.

Abbot, always first out of the showers, puts on a shirt before his pants. He looks like Winnie the Pooh.

There’s a buzz in the back of his skull as things get filed into the appropriate buckets. He can barely feel it over his thoughts about cartoon outfits and the music Chouinard is playing out of a speaker in his stall. The song is, like many of the ones Nick plays, about having sex in a club.

Wyatt’s thoughts turn to Lisa. She doesn’t have a shift tonight.

He starts getting undressed faster.

***

The Centaurs have three basic rules for traveling as a team. They are as good as written in blood. It’s not a superstition that if a rule is broken they won’t play well; it’s science.

The rules are as follows:

1. Do not mess with a guy wearing noise cancelling headphones. That’s universal signal for leave me the fuck alone. It’s sacred. You mess with someone’s quiet time and their attitude for the rest of the day is on you.

2. Whomever boards the plane or bus first must be the last one off. No one is sure how or when this got started, but it’s a pain in the ass to keep track of. About half the team refuse to board anything unless they know for certain someone else is already stowing a backpack in the overhead bin.

3. Before 9am, no team members under the age of 25 shall speak. They can talk in a parking lot or airport gate, but on a plane or bus they must be silent in the early hours of the morning. 

(There is a fourth secret rule known to all except two players. Do not separate the hockey husbands on travel days. If they can’t lean against each other to sleep they get cranky. If they get cranky, everyone suffers.)

The problems begin when they land in Philadelphia. Tanner Dillon was first on the plane back in Ottawa. He was, he insists, planning to be last off. Except, Haas left his sunglasses in the seat pocket and ran back to get them at the last minute and didn’t tell Dillon. Dillon, who forgot to scan the rows behind him before disembarking.

Dillon walks off the plane while Ilya is doing a headcount. They come up one short.

“Okay, who the fuck are we missing?”

Young, LaPointe and Holmberg raise their hands from the back of the group. Wyatt notices first, and Ilya and Bood quickly follow his widened gaze to the cluster of sheepish children.

“So,” Young says, bravely, “Luca might still be on the plane grabbing his sunglasses.”

They probably only make it out alive because of the soft spot their captain has for Haas.

***

Predictably, scientifically, they lose to the Flyers. It’s not a complete embarrassment; 3-2 is respectable, goals for both Shane and Bood. Wyatt would have preferred no goals scored on him, but letting in 3 after nearly 30 shots on goal could be worse.

The locker room after the game is, well, it’s been a happier place. The general mood is down because of the loss, of course, but on top of it all, they’re in Philadelphia.

Ilya gets back from talking to the media while most of the team is still getting undressed. They have an early drive in the morning, so with a curfew lingering, no one is particularly rushing to leave.

“Barrett,” he barks, “Tell Harris I am going to kill him.”

Troy’s head pops up, “Uh, please don’t?”

“Ignore him,” says Shane. “He’s still mad about the Gritty thing at the start of the game.”

“Harris knew and did not tell me!”

“Yeah, because you would have tried to fight him and gotten ejected from the game before it started, asshole.”

Young is trying really hard not to laugh. He turns so his back is to the room. The Flyer’s mascot was on the ice right before the anthem, and interacted with Captain Ilya Rozanov. Most teams mascots would never interact with players, especially players of the visiting team. But, well, Gritty is in a class of his own. And Famous Asshole Ilya Rozanov makes for a good target.

It’s happened before. It’ll happen again. Ilya will continue to curse that orange thing in Russian, that no one is brave enough to translate, until the day he retires from professional hockey.

The absurdity of the whole situation is getting to Young, for some reason. And, unfortunately, it’s contagious. LaPointe’s confusion melts into laughter right alongside him. Holmberg tries to glare at them both, which turns into laughing at them, and once he starts he can’t stop. Haas joins in, looking mortified when he realizes the rest of the team has stopped all conversation to turn and look at them.

“Hey guys,” Wyatt says gently, as though trying not to spook a wild animal. “Everything okay over there?”

None of them can get an explanation out. Luckily, or unluckily, Ilya seems to catch on before anyone else.

“I’ve been betrayed by the babies!” 

“You’re a baby,” Shane rolls his eyes.

“Sorry, Cap,” Young finally gets out. “It’s just, really funny. You get so mad and it’s just Gritty. He’s like, a cultural icon!”

“Ew,” LaPointe says, shoving Young with his elbow. “You would say that.”

“Sometimes I forget you’re not Canadian,” Holmberg chirps.

Haas tilts his head to the side, “I thought I saw a family resemblance.”

“Oh fuck off! I’m not even from- whatever, you guys suck. You know it was funny.”

Bood claps twice, loud enough to quiet the rookies, “I’d like to call my wife at some point tonight, so can we break it up and actually start getting out of here?”

That gets everyone in motion. 

Bood rounds on his captain next, “Out of curiosity, how long would you have let that go on?”

Ilya shrugs, “Until it stopped entertaining me, probably.”

Bood groans. “I blame this fucking city. We need to get out of here.”

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

7:32am

Pointy

Fuck I think I forgot my phone charger

Berg

Tell me you’re joking

Haasy

This cannot be that bad?

Berg

Pointy I’m serious I need to know if this is a prank

Young

Dude? It’s not like he lost your charger. Why do you care that he doesn’t have his?

Berg

Last time he forgot a charger on a roadie I took a high stick to the face and we lost three games in a row

I’m not taking my chances

Pointy

…How quickly do I need to get a new one before the curse sets in

Berg

I’ll just ask Terry to pre-book me with the dentist

7:54am

Pointy

Hey can I borrow someone’s charger

My phone is about to die

***

They’ve never broken Rule Three before. At least, not since Luca joined the team. Maybe they did the year before that, but he doubts it.

They’re sitting in the back row of the bus, two to a side, texting instead of talking because of the hour. It’s a wet and gray day. The bus is rumbling along the highway in New Jersey. Everyone is awake, for the most part, talking quietly with a seat mate, texting a significant other, playing Clash of Clans, but no one is necessarily alert to their surroundings.

So, it’s more than a bit jarring when Holmberg yells, “Oh fuck you, dude!”

Every head on the bus snaps towards the back. Dykstra checks his phone and calls back, “There is an hour of rookies-are-quiet-time left!”

They’ve never broken Rule Three before. Luca’s first instinct is to stop moving entirely. He sees Young, sitting in the other window seat across the aisle, do the same. If they can just get through the next hour, they’ll almost be at the hotel for the next two nights. There’s got to be time to quietly undo whatever curse Holmberg thinks he has before then.

Holmberg is not on the same page as Young and Haas. “It’s LaPointe’s fault!”

“How is it my fault?”

“You lost your charger!”

Chouinard scrubs his hands down his face. “You would think being on a road trip would decrease the number of stupid fights I have to listen to.”

Hayden laughs, “Yeah, they’re worse than my kids.”

That’s embarrassing enough to shut them up. Ilya sends them a look that should be too sleep-ruffled to be threatening; it sends a chill down Luca’s spine anyway. “Do not make me agree with Pike about this.”

***

No Beer🚫

8:06am

Young

How often do you and your siblings fight?

Like, a real fight, not one you’re doing as part of some bigger plan

Ruby

Couple times a week?

Young

And what do your parents do about it?

Ruby

Depends on the fight

Separate us so we stop yelling at each other, make us apologize, fix whatever’s wrong

Young

Okay okay

Ruby

Why do you need to know this while I’m in homeroom? And why are you just asking me?

Young

Berg and Pointy are fighting

Cap and Hollzy didn’t really do anything but all the dads on the team had something to say

Ruby

You think you can spin this into something?

Young

Maybe?

Ruby

Okay

Don’t tell them you have a plan, let them fight for real

It’s like when we keep Amber out of the loop so she actually cries

And I’ll see if Arthur can find anything in his book after school

Young

Got it

***

The game against New Jersey isn’t until tomorrow. It leaves them with time for a grueling afternoon practice and a mostly free evening in a city not known for its nightlife.

After dinner, all four rookies hang out in Young and LaPointe’s room. Holmberg is still mad from the morning, but habit is habit and none of them are willing to miss movie night over it. Whatever, maybe they are as codependent as the team says.

Twenty minutes into the movie, some bad thriller LaPointe swore got good at the end, there’s a knock at the door. Young barely gets it open when Ilya and Shane come in.

“You two,” Ilya says, pointing at LaPointe and Holmberg, currently sitting on opposite sides of the room. “You both practiced terribly today. Tension between you threw off the whole team, even Hollander wasn’t connecting passes in drills.” Shane whacks him on the arm. Ilya continues, undeterred. “We are fixing this curse now so that we do not lose to fucking New Jersey tomorrow.”

Young shares a look with Haas. Haas shrugs. “Should we- I mean, do you want us to go?”

“No, stay,” Shane says. “This shouldn’t take long.”

Ilya says, “Start at the beginning.”

“I forgot my charger in Philly. I realized on the bus this morning.”

“Last time he forgot his charger I lost a tooth! And we went on a losing streak.”

“And then he yelled at me!”

“You cursed me!”

Shane holds up his hands, never moving from where he stands against the wall. “Okay, okay. We’re trying to fix it, not keep having the same argument.”

“Yes,” Ilya says. “So, how do we fix it? Holmberg, what would un-curse you?”

Holmberg blinks, like he was expecting a lecture on sportsmanship instead of this. “I mean, he could buy another charger?”

Shane nods. Ilya claps once and says, “Okay. Shoes on. Everybody.”

It’s the beginning of a bad joke. How many professional hockey players does it take to find one phone charger in a medium sized city on a Wednesday night?

Six is probably too many. But that doesn’t stop all four boys from trailing after Shane and Ilya like little baby ducks.

They’re out of the hotel and in the world for less than 45 minutes. In that time: they visit four corner stores before finding one selling a charger that fits in LaPointe’s phone, Haas steps in a puddle so deep the water seeps down to his toes and halfway up his shin, Young trips off a curb and only doesn’t break a bone because he lands halfway on a parked car, and, naturally, it starts to rain.

They arrive back in the hotel lobby, wet and generally worse for wear. At least, Holmberg thinks, a little hysterically, it’s late enough that none of the team is in the hotel bar to greet them.

Shane turns to LaPointe, “Do not lose that charger.”

He nods, message clear: do not make the grownups take a late-night field trip in New Jersey. Ever again.

Ilya turns to Holmberg, “Curse is lifted now, yes? So, tomorrow you can play like someone who is paid to play hockey professionally and not a toddler wearing skates for the first time?”

“I think so.”

“Good. LaPointe, promise him no more curses.”

LaPointe hangs his head sheepishly, “I’m not going to curse Berg or anyone else.”

Haas shuffles in place behind them. His foot is soaking wet. He’s starting to feel bad for the hotel staff for whatever weird stain his wet shoe is going to leave on the carpet if they have to stand there any longer. 

Shane sighs, and turns to his husband, “Are we good now? Can you sleep knowing the kids aren’t mad at each other anymore?”

“Ah, I was not worried about loud tall baby feelings. Just worried this curse will make them worse at hockey and we lose to fucking New Jersey.”

“Hey!”

“We’re not that bad!”

“No guys, Cap was worried! He looooves us.”

Ilya held up a hand in mock offense, “No I do not. I am worried about your hockey skills only.” He lets himself be dragged toward the stairwell by Shane, leaving a pack of wet, overgrown duckling-children standing in the lobby.

***

They lose to New Jersey, 4-6.

In the locker room after the game, Wyatt pats Holmberg on the shoulder and says, “At least you kept all your teeth this time around.”

***

No Beer🚫

9:38pm

Ruby

So how was fight club?

Young

Didn’t anyone ever teach you the rule about that?

Ruby

Sorry I don’t watch old movies

Do you want Arthur’s notes or not?

Young

Yeah notes would be good

Berg and Pointy made up last night but we still lost the game. I’m thinking we can use notes like we use game tape, we can set up a fake fight tomorrow and see if we can get Cap and Hollzy to do everything again but better

Ruby

That’s actually not a bad idea

Young

The trick is to think about everything like hockey, then I come off a lot smarter

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

9:46pm

Ruby

[image attached: a notebook page filled with Arthur’s handwriting. The top of the page reads “Conflict Resolution.” Resolution has been crossed out and rewritten a few times to get the spelling right.]

Amber went to bed hours ago, and Arthur is probably asleep by now but Jade is still awake doing homework and I’m keeping her company so, let’s do this

Jade

Pre-algebra sucks, by the way, if anyone feels like helping me

LaPointe

Well this timing is weird, how’d the kid know Berg and I were fighting?

Young

Um 

Ruby and I may have had some conversations

LaPointe

And you both made it out alive!

Holmberg

Wait why wouldn’t you clue us in on that? 

Ruby

This week, you’ve been the Amber of the operation. If you knew what was going on you wouldn’t have been able to do it right

LaPointe

Okay I don’t know if I’m offended or impressed

Ruby

Impressed, obviously

Young

So the plan is to take Arthur’s notes, compare them against how Cap and Hollzy handled your fight, then run it again when we get to New York somehow

Haas

Oh you want to turn this into a film session

That’s kind of genius

Young

That’s two people! Two people in one night who have admitted I can have a good idea

LaPointe

Is this a new record for you?

Holmberg

Haasy and…who else? Now I’m worried you can’t count to two correctly

Young

Ruby tell them

Ruby

You could not waterboard that out of me

Anyway someone tell me what happened yesterday

Jade

[image attached: a half-finished math worksheet about multiplying fractions]

And I’m so serious, anyone who can give me the answer to number 7 is my new favorite player

***

It’s the second to last night of this godforsaken road trip. Just one more night in this hotel, a bus ride to New York tomorrow, game tomorrow night, and then the plane home to Ottawa early the next morning. They’re almost there.

It’s late, they’re all tired from the game but no one is sleeping yet. The Pike girls are awake and full of ideas. Young sits on his bed, glued to his phone, relaying in real time everything from the group chat to the room and back again. Haas sits on the foot of the bed with a pad of paper he pulled out of his backpack, writing up their plan like it’s gameplay. He’s also sketching a small picture of Gritty terrorizing Rozanov. LaPointe has too much energy to sit, and he paces the room as he thinks out loud.

Holmberg sits on the other bed, working his way through the second half of a pre-algebra homework sheet. It’s way harder than he remembered, and he thinks of himself as someone who’s good at math.

Most of the plan came together pretty quickly. The hockey husbands helped to fix the problem, therefore solving the fight, and they even made LaPointe apologize. There’s some room for improvement on response time, and they could stand to decrease their visible annoyance at the whole thing. 

Arthur’s notes, and by extension his book, seems to take a bend towards gentle parenting; emphasizing not assigning blame and encouraging your child to keep trying. Ilya’s approach is more focused on loudly and literally pointing fingers, while Shane very clearly was giving LaPointe no second chances if he lost his new charger.

But, all in all, they can work with that. The plan they have is good, really good even. The biggest hurdle is making sure Ilya is the one who comes to break up the fight, and that Shane comes with him. After their late-night traipse around Newark, there’s a chance they send Bood instead.

***

In an attempt to save the trip, they save their plan for after the game against New York. It’s not even the fun New York team; they’re playing out on Long Island, because the ability to go out after the game, win or loss, in Manhattan is too much to ask for on this trip, apparently.

The bad weather follows them across the state border into New York. They lose 3-1.

Everyone is upset. Obviously.

Except, it does set the mood for a fight to break out. Tensions high, tempers flaring. Obviously, they wanted to win. But if they had to lose, at least they’re getting a nice cover out of it for the next step of the plan.

Jade suggested they switch up the pairs for the fight to keep it from feeling too repetitive. So they go with Young and Haas. Connor is relatively sure of his own abilities. It’s a little bit of lying and a little bit of showboating. He’s banking on the fact that no one has any reason to suspect a fake fight to carry them through. 

Luca, on the other hand, is worrying not only himself, but everyone else involved in the plan. He’s known both on the team and in the media as a quiet and polite kid with an incredible talent on the ice. He doesn’t get in stupid fights, especially not with his friends and teammates. To sell it, he’s really going to have to work for it.

Their bus deposits them back at the hotel after the game. With a flight so early, half of the team decides the hotel bar will suffice, and the other half goes up to their rooms to crash. The rookies trail in behind most of the team; Holmberg was first on at the UBS Arena and the others waited for him to get off the bus.

They drop into a cluster of low couches in the fancyish lounge. Young and Haas are deliberately not speaking, not making eye contact even. LaPointe rolls his shoulders back the way he does before stepping on the ice. 

In a slightly exaggerated volume, Holmberg says, “Really? This is stupid, guys.”

Young glares at him. Haas doesn’t even turn his head to acknowledge the comment.

“Whatever,” says LaPointe, matching Holmberg’s volume. “I’m going to grab a drink, anyone want something? Might break the tension in here.” 

Holmberg asks for a beer. When Young and Haas stay silent, LaPointe sighs, probably a touch too loud, and says, “I’ll be back then.”

He makes it all the way to the bar and even manages to order before he’s intercepted. Wyatt Hayes leans with his back to the bar and gestures over to the couches, “So, what’s going on there?”

“Young and Haas got into a stupid fight after the game and now they’re not speaking.”

Wyatt raises an eyebrow, “So they decided to sit with each other?”

“We’ve been told we’re codependent.” LaPointe shrugs, trying for casual.

Wyatt looks at him for a long moment, then studies the scene on the other side of the room. Haas is staring into the middle distance, Young’s head is tipped back against the back of the couch, Holmberg is on his phone, texting someone. LaPointe tries not to squirm.

The bartender drops two beers on the counter behind him. He grabs one and takes a sip.

Wyatt finally speaks. “I wonder who’ll break first. I bet we could get a pool going.”

“Might lift everyone’s spirits.”

“Alright, I’ll go collect votes. Who am I putting you down for?”

“Luca.”

Wyatt nods and heads off toward a high-top to interrupt Bood, Dykstra and Chouinard.

LaPointe takes another sip of his beer, and tries to subtly and naturally slide his way down the bar to where Shane, Ilya, and Hayden Pike are sitting. He fails in his mission, two steps in and all three heads turn towards him, conversation coming to a halt.

He’s quick to fill the silence. “Oh, hey guys.”

Shane squints at him. “What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing,” LaPointe says, sending a quick prayer to the hockey gods that Jade and Ruby know their uncles as well as they say they do. “I actually just had a question for Pike.”

Hayden looks surprised. “Oh, sure man, what do you need?”

“You have a million kids, right?”

Ilya cackles. Hayden sighs, “I have four, yeah. What are you actually asking?”

“Right, so like, Young and Haas are in the middle of a stupid fight. Well, I think it’s stupid but Young might actually be upset. And since you have more kids than anyone, maybe you know how to make them stop?”

“Oh, I mean, that’s really sweet of you to think but my experience is with pre-teen girls and not fully grown adults. I’m not sure sending them to their rooms is going to work.”

“They’re in the same room, actually.”

Hayden laughs, “Oh yeah, then that really won’t work. Sorry man, I’ve got like one trick up my sleeve.”

LaPointe is sweating through his shirt. Ruby swore this would work. Jade said she backed her 100%. They do not have a backup plan. He takes another sip of his beer, stalling. “Um, okay, thanks anyway.”

He turns to grab Holmberg’s beer and walk away. “Wait.” Ilya says, just as he’s about to start walking. LaPointe exhales.

Ilya keeps talking, “That’s it? You have issues with your team members so you ask Montre- you ask Pike and then give up when he cannot help you?”

Shane and Hayden both start laughing. Shane pulls out his wallet, passes some cash to Hayden.

“I don’t like this. What is happening?”

“Shane and I had a running bet to see how long you would take to forget I don’t play for Montreal anymore, and then slip up and try to call me their fifteenth best player.”

Shane adds, “I was hoping you’d at least make it to our first game against them.”

Ilya narrows his eyes, “Betrayed by my own husband! Also, I did not say the whole insult, Pike should not make money off this.”

“Too late, Rozanov.”

LaPointe catches his captain’s eye, “So, can I go, or?”

“No, you cannot. You have problem and you go to Hayden Pike and not your captain. This is unacceptable.”

“I just figured he would know what to do!”

“That was your first mistake. Second mistake is not asking me. Lucky for you, I am in a good mood and so I will help anyway.” LaPointe thought that sounded almost like a threat. It was also exactly what they were banking on when the Pike girls told them they could use their dad as bait.

Without another word, Ilya gets up and heads over to the couches. Shane and Hayden follow, sharing an amused look between them. LaPointe trails behind, praying once again to the hockey gods that Luca and Connor can pull this off.

It turns out, Luca has found that the best way to stay looking pissed off is to replay every pass that failed to connect during the game earlier, in order and in detail. He’s in the middle of the third period when LaPointe returns with company.

Ilya sits down heavily and asks, “Okay, what happened?”

Shane sits next to him, thighs touching. Hayden doesn’t sit, instead leaning over the back of an armchair. LaPointe gives Holmberg his beer and tries to settle in.

Everyone waits a moment while Haas and Young stay in character. Then Holmberg sighs and says, “Haasy was on his phone on the way back, texting someone. Young tried to see who it was because Haasy was smiling-”

“I was not!”

“-and then he told Young to fuck off and Young told him to chill the fuck out. Then they spent the last half of the ride here glaring at each other and now we’ve moved on to them not looking at each other.”

“This is it?” Ilya sounds unimpressed.

“Wait,” says Shane, turning to LaPointe. “You said you thought Young was actually upset. How’d you get that?”

In his nerves, LaPointe may have said the wrong name. The plan was to exploit Haas’s status as the favorite to garner sympathy. 

Young, thankfully, recovers quickly. “Well that’s because I am upset!”

“Why?” asks Ilya. “Is this not your fault?”

“I just wanted to see who he was texting! It’s not my fault he got weird about it.”

“I wouldn’t have to be weird about it if you would just leave things alone!”

Shane waves a hand, cutting off the fight in the middle of the script. “Wait, no, go back. One at a time. Connor, why are you upset?”

“He wouldn’t tell me who he was texting. I tell him stuff all the time.”

“Okay, Luca? Why are you upset?”

“He barely finished asking who I was talking to before grabbing my phone out of my hand. It’s an invasion of privacy!”

Ilya snorts, “Right, so Young’s fault.”

Shane elbows him, “Don’t be an asshole, they’re both upset.”

“Okay, fine. Children,” he says. “Both of you are being stupid about this. Young, don’t go through people’s phones. Haas, share things with your friends. Now, apologize and move on.”

Young and Haas both murmur apologies to each other. 

Holmberg opens his mouth to say something, but Hayden beats him to it. “Oh god, you guys are worse than my kids. That’s barely an apology.”

Holmberg’s mouth works faster than his brain, “Yeah, you sound like you’re just going to keep fighting once we all go to bed tonight.”

“Exactly!” Hayden says. “That’s what Jackie and I keep telling the kids. And they have and will repeat a fight. You have to do a real apology.”

Shane laughs. Ilya says, “Shut up, Pike. I am fixing the rookies,” but a smile creeps onto his face all the same. “Okay, yes, do real apology where you promise never to fight again.”

Luca’s face flushes red. He can feel the warmth bloom on his neck. He looks at the space between Young’s eyes and says, “I’m sorry, Young.”

Young coughs to try and hide a laugh. “I’m sorry, Haasy. I won’t look through your phone again.”

It’s stupid and funny and they’re both cracking smiles by the end of it. 

Ilya crows, “See, Pike? That’s how it’s done.”

“He did more than you did, asshole.”

“Thank you for the support, Shane.”

There’s just one last thing. LaPointe leans forward to rest his arms on his knees. “Sorry we bothered you guys with stupid fights this whole trip. I’m sure you didn’t want to deal with that.” He almost means it.

“You are right. It was very annoying. Please never do this again.” Ilya deadpans.

Shane elbows him. Ilya catches his hand and holds it. Shane says, “What he means is, we’re glad you feel comfortable asking us for advice.”

“Yes, yes. You are loud tall babies, but you are good kids.”

It’s surprisingly heartfelt. 

Then Ilya stands, pulls Shane up with him and gives him an obnoxiously smacking kiss and asks, at top volume, “Bed now?”

“Aaand that’s my cue,” Hayden says. “Night!”

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

11:34pm

Holmberg

Okay, debriefing here so the little Pikes can catch up in the morning

Haas

I think that was better?

Young

Cap insulted us like ten times

Haas

Yes, but he also didn’t stick with blaming just one of us.

LaPointe

They also insulted each other the whole time

Holmberg

That’s just a regular day for them though

Besides we were looking for two things: less blame and more forgiveness

Young

Okay on those metrics alone, yes Cap let us share blame and yes Hollzy said we could keep having fights and he would help us

LaPointe

And not for nothing, they still did all the things Ruby told Young initially

They figured out what was wrong, they made you apologize, they fixed it

Holmberg

Okay so maybe it’s not a perfect score, but a passable one?

Haas

We can separate out attitude from action? They did all the right actions and they were even nice about it some of the time.

Young

We did say we were going to work on their fighting each other at some point

So, taking that out I think they did better than passable. Cap was even kind of sweet at the end

LaPointe

Yeah that was cute. I mean he insulted us in the same breath, but I think he really does like us

Holmberg

Okay so we’re going with not perfect but better than passable? So we can call this a win?

Young

Yeah 

Haas

Yes

LaPointe

Yeah

8:21am

Jade

I know you’re on a plane but nice work!!

Ruby

Yeah Dad called before you took off and I overheard him tell Mom about it. He said you reminded him of us!!

Jade

We’ve been faking fights since preschool so this is high praise

Arthur

[image attached: a page from his notebook titled “Things They Learned” The first item on the list is Conflict Resolution. Resolution was spelled correctly on the first try.]

Chapter End Notes

Is this chapter longer than the last one? Yes. Did I say I was probably lying last time? Also yes.

I know deep in my soul that Gritty is Ilya's new rival now that Shane plays for the Centaurs. It's so important to me.

Also, if you follow hockey really closely, please know that I don't. I like hockey! I have a favorite team and everything, but I don't follow it close enough to know road trip logistics. So, if this is a road trip combo that would never happen, it's actually fine. Geographically, anyway, this works.

Okay peace and love on the planet earth. I don't know how soon the next chapter will be up but I have ideas!

Chapter 5: Troy Barrett Unwittingly Facilitates a Discussion on Puberty

Chapter Summary

An ode to pre-teen girls and the very real struggles they face.

Chapter Notes

Welcome back! These chapters keep getting longer and longer and I'm honestly not mad about it. I started this fic as a fun idea for hijinks and today we are leaning hard on the Crack Treated Seriously tag. Not that there aren't hijinks in here, but I started writing for Jade and Ruby and ended up with a treatise on the struggles of being in seventh grade. I have so much respect for kids going through that, it's rough out there.

Anyway, if you've ever cried at the kitchen table with your dad over a math worksheet, this one's for you.

Jade is big enough to admit that she might be getting a little paranoid, a little on edge. For a while, everything was going so well. She and her siblings had a good thing going with the rookies. Her uncles were learning things, probably. Hopefully.

And then life and hockey took over for a while. Middle school is harder than she expected. Sometimes, she thinks, it feels like they moved to Ottawa and suddenly entered an alternate timeline universe. In Montreal, she and Ruby were always in the same class. The school recommended it as a way to make life easier for Jackie, and the girls hadn’t minded. In Montreal, Ruby had been everyone’s best friend, Jade happy to let her do most of the work of socializing. In Montreal, Jade had been the better student, able to sit still for longer and care more about the worksheet in front of her.

Now they lived in Ottawa. They hardly saw each other throughout the day. Ruby was getting higher grades than she had ever gotten before. Jade was the one making friends first. It was confusing and frustrating and so backwards that Jade wanted to scream until her voice went hoarse and the pressure building behind her eyes broke and tears finally spilled out.

So, they’d had to put a pause on the scheming for a few weeks. They still talked to the rookies with some regularity; exchanging passing ideas and observations of what Shane and Ilya were doing in the locker room, on the road, at the Pike’s kitchen table. 

But Arthur was still reading his book; getting vocabulary help from Haas at all hours of the day and night. And he was starting to read it out in the open. Not flaunting it, but sitting with it on his knees in the living room while Jackie cooked dinner or Hayden vacuumed the area rug.

And Amber wouldn’t stop pestering her about it. She’d sneak into Jade’s room at night, once their parents had gone to bed, and interrupt Jade in the middle of a chapter to whisper about how she wanted to be included in the next plan and could she pretty pretty please help out.

Ruby was no help either. She was on her phone all day long. Which, to be fair, so was Jade. But Jade was usually texting her friend Mira, or watching some video on the social media account Jackie let her have so long as she absolutely didn’t post anything on it. Ruby was texting the rookies constantly. In the group chat, mostly, but occasionally outside of it. And she would do it at the dinner table, in front of their parents and the hockey gods, like she was trying to get caught.

So, Jade was dealing with all that, and the fact that her math homework was looking more and more like hieroglyphics each and every week. The pressure was mounting. Jade couldn’t remember a time before her shoulders had magnets to her ears. She knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, this was unsustainable. 

***

“Shane and Ilya are coming for dinner tonight,” Hayden announces, walking in the door after an afternoon skate.

It’s late October, a crisp perfect fall day; leaves turning and floating gently to the ground, sun shining, bright blue sky dotted with puffy white clouds, the kind of day that makes people reconsider their favorite season.

Jackie meets her husband in the foyer, while he toes off his shoes. His free arm goes automatically around her waist and she kisses his cheek, then whispers, “Tread lightly.”

It was something of a code word they had started deploying in the last year, now that the twins had moved out of being chaotic little kids and moved into being unpredictable preteens. Jackie found the idea in the parenting book she bought when Amber was born; and the postpartum haze had her terrified she was a terrible mother, despite the fact she had kept multiple children alive, happy, and healthy for years. But the postpartum terror ran deep and this medium sized book was unintimidating and pragmatic. Amber was two months old when Jackie stumbled upon it in the bookstore next to her favorite coffee shop, after Hayden all but forced her out of the house by herself. 

She’d read the title and laughed for the first time in over eight weeks:

Getting Your Child Through Life Unharmed (As Much as Possible, Anyway)

She bought the book immediately and read it cover to cover three times before Amber learned to sit up by herself.

She didn’t read it as much nowadays, but it still had some decent tips and tricks in it. A code word with your partner to forewarn them of a brewing situation of preteen frustration and tempers, for one.

Hayden takes the warning in stride, and follows her into the dining room to find all four of his children sitting at the table. Amber is coloring something that could have been homework, but probably wasn’t. Arthur is filling in a map of the provinces and their capitals. Jade is staring at a math worksheet with a hatred she usually reserves for opposing players who trip her on the ice. Ruby is reading a book with a “Classroom Copy” sticker on the spine.

It doesn’t look like a pressure cooker, not really.

Ruby looks up from her book, “Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are coming over tonight?”

Hayden nods.

“When?” Ruby asks.

“What’s for dinner?” Amber asks.

“Are they bringing Anya?” Arthur asks.

Jade asks nothing.

“Soon. Chicken. No.” Hayden says, and then goes upstairs to shower before Jackie can complain about how he smells.

When he comes down, Amber and Arthur have migrated to play in the backyard while it’s still light outside. Ruby is sitting at the kitchen counter on her phone, while Jackie starts on dinner. Hayden lets them be, knowing this is Jackie’s favorite kind of interaction with the girls lately; if they kept the stakes low and the pressure off, they would suddenly open up and tell them everything.

Jade is still sitting in her same spot at the table. She’s working on the same problem from before his shower, he’s pretty sure.

Hayden pulls up the chair next to her and squeezes her shoulder, “How’s the homework, Jade-bug?”

Jade bristles, “Don’t call me that.” 

Hayden tries not to take offense. He tries again, “Want some help with that?”

Jade nods, wordlessly, eyes never leaving the worksheet in front of her. So, they settle in, try to make sense of the problems as best they can together. Math was, admittedly, not Hayden’s best subject in school. But he had passed the seventh grade once in his life, he could do it again. Probably.

He can not do it again. As it turns out, he barely remembers anything from seventh grade, and he’s pretty sure they weren’t teaching them the same way.

They get halfway through the worksheet when Jackie calls Arthur and Amber inside. They’re loud, but no louder than usual, as they tumble in and race each other to the bathroom to wash their hands.

Jade lets out a frustrated groan, “I can’t think when they do that!”

Hayden calls out a warning about lowering their volume, and turns back to his oldest daughter. Two problems later, he’s worried she might actually pull a clump of her hair out. He takes a deep breath. Hears Jackie pull a pan out of the oven, while Ruby rambles on about her science test. Hears the familiar sounds of a game Arthur loves to play on his tablet float in from the family room.

Hayden reaches out and untangles Jade’s fingers from her hair. Rubs her back. Looks at the problem again. Says, “I know you want to do it how your teacher showed you, but what if we try and do it this way…” He reaches for the pencil.

It’s the wrong thing to say. He should have known. He offered to show her the way he knew how to do it on the last problem and she shot him down immediately. But he’s starting to get frustrated with these problems, and he wants this to be done with for the evening so they can have a nice dinner.

Jade’s protests start off sharp and loud, “No! I told you, we have to do it the way Ms. Martinez showed us!” And quickly, they turn teary. “This is so stupid,” she hiccups out.

Jackie comes in, and makes eye contact with Hayden. Jade has her head on the table, no doubt dripping tears on the bottom of the page.

Jackie walks over, and joins Hayden in rubbing soothing circles on Jade’s back. “Honey, I think Dad is just trying to help you-”

“Well he shouldn’t! He doesn’t know what he’s doing! He didn’t even go to college, Mom. Why would you let him help me with this?” 

It would be funny if she weren’t sobbing so hard her whole body shakes.

Hayden thinks, probably, they can come back from this. He’ll let Jackie take the lead on Jade, he’ll finish up dinner, and they can calm her down before Shane and Ilya arrive. He shares another look with Jackie, silently communicating his plan, and stands up.

Which is, of course, when he sees Amber standing in the doorway to the kitchen. She looks up at him, nervously eyeing her older sister’s meltdown, and opens her mouth to say, “Um, so.”

Her little voice is followed by a familiar Russian accent, all but whispering, “Maybe we need to come back later?”

***

It’s a tense dinner. Jade is embarrassed, and won’t meet anyone’s eyes or answer any questions. She stopped crying about ten minutes before they sat down, but her eyes are still red-rimmed and every couple of breaths comes out in a staccato. The adults are making careful conversation about anything else.

Arthur, for his part, has had worse meals. They’re having chicken, for one, which he much prefers to the salmon they have a lot when Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are over for dinner. He’s also sitting next to his Uncle Shane, which is great because Uncle Shane is his favorite. 

(It’s by a very very very small margin, and he would never admit this to Uncle Ilya. But, sometimes when Uncle Shane says something about Arthur being just like him, Arthur feels a burst of pride in his chest. He’s sure Uncle Ilya would understand, if he ever found out, which he won’t, but, well, Uncle Shane is his favorite person too.)

The only qualm Arthur has with this dinner, really, is the conversation. Jade’s not talking because she’s embarrassed. Which means Ruby’s not talking because she’s trying to figure out why Jade’s upset. Which means, that in their desperate attempt to keep the conversation light, his parents have allowed Amber to talk uninterrupted for nearly fifteen minutes.

Amber glows with the attention. She gets plenty, as baby of the family, but not usually so undivided and from such a captive audience.

Arthur, frankly, has heard enough about what the first graders are doing at recess these days. He tunes her out, starts mulling over his parenting book. He was reading it earlier, when Jade started crying. He turned on his tablet and handed it to Amber as cover, which it turns out they didn’t even need, what with the crying and the confused uncles of it all.

And that’s just the thing isn’t it. He watched (after carefully hiding his book back upstairs in his room) his uncles look at his crying sister and not know what to do. Uncle Shane started shifting his weight from foot to foot. Uncle Ilya’s hand worried his necklace. They both looked at Jade like they didn’t realize she knew how to cry.

Which, it’s insane. Ruby and Jade cry, not all the time, but they do cry! Over mean classmates and hockey injuries and difficult homework assignments. It’s the same way Amber cries about not getting her way or Arthur cries when he feels completely overwhelmed. And Arthur knows for a fact Uncle Ilya can calm a crying baby. He’s watched him do it at parties and barbecues and heard him gloat about it half a dozen times.

So, it’s interesting, really, Arthur thinks as he finishes his dinner, that a crying pre-teen seems so scary to them. And it gets him thinking.

As soon as they are excused from the table, the Pike kids head upstairs. Ruby follows Jade into her room and the door shuts behind them. Amber follows Arthur into his; they leave the door open.

Arthur pulls the parenting book and the notebook out from under his pillow. It’s on the initial list they made back in the summer: have difficult conversations. He flips to the chapter and opens a fresh page of the notebook, then turns to Amber and says, “I need you to listen in on the conversation downstairs without getting caught, okay? We need to know what Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are thinking about tonight.”

Amber nods, solemnly, and sneaks off to press herself against the wall on the landing at the top of the stairs and listen. Arthur watches her go, and then gets to work.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

8:02pm

Arthur

[image attached: notebook paged titled “Difficult Conversations” The first half of the page has notes taken from the parenting book, defining some more technical terms and covering multiple age groups. The second half of the page has the beginnings of a plan, but with a lot of blanks and question marks.]

LaPointe

Oh is it go time?

Arthur

Yes

Holmberg

You know I appreciate this kid. Man of few words.

That said, can we get some more details?

Ruby

Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya came over for dinner tonight and there was an incident

Arthur realized it gives us an opening

Jade

What happened is math is stupid and my dad is an idiot and apparently no one’s ever seen me cry before. But it’s fine.

Young

Been there✊

Arthur

And Amber did some secret listening after dinner and Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya definitely did not know what to do. They were telling Mom and Dad that it made them nervous and Mom and Dad were trying to explain that sometimes kids cry and its fine. But then someone got a text and they changed the subject.

Haas

Okay, so step one. Get Pike to finish explaining what he does when his kids are upset?

Ruby

Yeah, and then we were thinking we run them through it a couple of times. Like, tonight Jade exposed their weakness. So we figure a few incidents from us and at least one from you guys.

Arthur

Also, they need to practice one-on-one and working together. The book said that was important.

Holmberg

Okay so who’s taking who for the one-on-one’s?

Jade

We can take Uncle Shane, if you guys want Uncle Ilya. Arthur has a plan already.

Arthur

We need to play to their strengths.

Ruby

And we can bring it full circle back to Jade for them working together? Unless she changes her mind and then Amber says she’s ready to go

Jade

Amber is concerningly ready to go. Might be fun to put her in and see what happens

LaPointe

Oh we can absolutely take Cap. Who’s up?

Haas

It depends on the angle we’re going for, I think

Young

Little pikes we will get back to you once we figure out what we’re doing

Ruby

Don’t hurt yourself thinking too hard!

Holmberg

Alright go team see you all for the updates

***

“No, you don’t get it, man. That’s the thing about twelve year olds, you can’t do anything to stop them from crying.” Hayden explains to Shane, loudly, as they work in the weight room the next morning.

It started as a private conversation. Then Barrett, on music duty for the day, turned the volume down so he could listen in. Now, it’s a full team discussion. Initially, Hayden stopped short, wary of the attention. Someone stepped in to remind him the Centaurs are not like other teams. LaPointe grinned at that and hoped he never has to find out what that means firsthand.

Haas exchanges a look with Holmberg now. It might be a record for fastest time completing Step One of a certified Pike Kid Plan. They didn’t even have to do anything this time.

“But she was so upset,” Shane is saying. “There had to be something you could have done differently.”

Hayden shrugs. “Sure, might have put the crying off a day or two. But at some point she was going to break down.”

“Pre-teens are like that,” Boyle says from halfway across the room. “Olivia’s going through the same thing. They’re fine until they’re not.”

Chouinard groans, “Not making me optimistic about my future here, fellas. Scarlett’s only six.”

Wyatt snorts, “Hate to break it to you, but I think boys also experience puberty, Chewy. I think you’re probably looking at any day now with Aiden.”

LaPointe can’t help himself. “Sure, but it’s different right? Like I didn’t cry all the time and my sister definitely did.”

“What age did you stop playing hockey and start training hockey?” Ilya asks.

“Maybe twelve or thirteen? Why?”

Ilya gives him a look. Wyatt takes pity as he leans down for his water, “You got all your aggression out on the ice and if you cried it could have gotten dangerous, so you didn’t. Doesn’t mean you weren’t having mood swings.”

“Oh. Right.”

Haas moves to get on the bike next to Hayden. “So, is Jade okay now?” It’s part of the plan, sure, to keep Hayden talking about it in front of Shane and Ilya. It’s also because he does care that Jade is okay; those kids have completely grown on him.

Hayden nods. “Yeah, we let her cool off and calm down for a while. Then me and Jacks went and talked to her. It’s not fun, necessarily, but it helps them to like, process their feelings.”

All the dads on the team chorus their agreement. Ilya halfheartedly mutters, “Sounds much worse than all the diapers everyone complains about.”

Hayden laughs at him, “I cannot believe Baby Whisperer Ilya Rozanov is scared of a crying pre-teen. You know if you guys-”

“Okay, enough talking, not enough lifting!” Ilya interrupts him, clapping his hands. “Barrett, music louder please.”

Holmberg takes out his phone, texts the group, and then starts back on his lift. Troy’s a pretty good DJ, all things considered.

***

They have a home game against Denver in two days, which means afternoon skate tomorrow. After much heated debate, this is where they decide they will make their move. 

The plan is all in place. Well, it’s mostly in place. They need a sacrificial lamb.

“Haasy, it has to be you. That’s what makes the most sense.” LaPointe says, gesturing wildly, missing the lamp on the side table by millimeters. At least, Luca thinks, if he breaks it the world will be better off. It’s so fucking ugly.

They’re set up in LaPointe’s living room, trying to hash out a plan while simultaneously playing Call of Duty. Or, they were, but then Holmberg got shot one too many times and paused the game to finish the conversation. That was over an hour ago.

“If you feel so strongly about it, why can’t it be you?” Luca says. He wants very much for it to be anyone but him.

Holmberg snorts, “It can’t be him because he almost got us caught by Hazy last time.”

“I did not! He fully believed me!” LaPointe protests. “At least, I think he did.”

“Oh yeah,” says Young. “He totally believed you, that’s why you had a weird sweaty conversation with him while he stared at us with his game face on.”

“Oh fuck off, I can lie! Plus, everyone knows Hazy’s always thinking about something else.” LaPointe says. “Either way, it can’t be me because I have to be the distraction.”

“Oh, so you’re openly admitting you’re bad at hockey?”

“No! But if someone has to keep Hollzy back on the ice, I might as well get something out of it.”

Luca sighs, “I still don’t know why it has to be me. I’m actually homesick like twice a year and this is not how I deal with it. Why couldn’t we have gone with something else?”

“Because the only other serious topic we could think of was sex and I cannot hear about the birds and the bees from Ilya Rozanov after seeing some of the marks he and Hollzy leave on each other,” Holmberg says, shuddering dramatically.

Luca groans and slides down in his seat. “I still don’t want to do it.”

“What if I do it?” Young asks. No one says anything. LaPointe lets out a laugh. “No, I’m serious! I had fun pretending to be in a fight with Haasy last time. And I’m the next best bet for homesickness anyway.”

It’s not a terrible idea, really. And, at this point, Luca thinks he’ll agree to anything that keeps him out of the starring role of the scheme. 

“Okay, so what’s your angle?” Holmberg asks. “With Haasy we could spin out a text from his sister. What do you have?”

Young looks at him like he’s stupid. “Are you stupid?”

LaPointe snorts. Holmberg glares at him. “I’m pretty sure I’m the smartest one here.”

“No, that’s Haasy.” LaPointe says. Haas flushes.

Young doesn’t take the bait. “Bergy, where am I from?”

“Well, it’s not fucking Canada.” Holmberg bluffs, glancing at the ceiling. LaPointe and Haas also avoid eye contact.

“Oh my god,” Young laughs. “Can none of you assholes remember where I’m from?”

It clicks for Luca ten seconds before anyone else. In hindsight, they probably should have come up with this plan first. He takes pity on Holmberg and says, “You’re from Denver.”

“I’m from Denver.” Young confirms. “Well, like an hour outside it, but no Canadian is ever going to know the difference. Especially when I put on the performance of a lifetime.” 

“Cap is from Russia,” LaPointe says, like there was a chance someone in the room had forgotten.

Young rolls his eyes, “That man is the proudest Canadian I’ve ever met in my life.” There’s a murmured round of agreement there. They’d all attended the ceremony last year.

They spend a little while hashing out the rest of the plans. Young throws himself into it as a method actor, trying to convince himself he is homesick, and that playing his hometown team is somehow the saddest thing to happen to him all season. Luca sits back on the couch, not bothering to hide his laughter as LaPointe and Holmberg do terrible impressions of their captain in the name of preparing Young for battle.

It’s a good plan. Young is excited for it. LaPointe is excited for ice time with Hollander. Everything’s set for tomorrow afternoon. Someone’s even feeling brave enough to say, “What could go wrong?”

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

2:58pm

Young

SOS who’s still in the building

Berg

All of us? I think? Pointy and Haas are probably still on the ice with Hollzy and I’m waiting for PT

Haasy

I am not on the ice, actually. I’m watching Gabe get destroyed by Hollander in stick handling drills.

Berg

😂

Haasy

Aren’t you supposed to be forcing our captain into a heartfelt discussion right now?

Young

Oh that went fine. I mean, it was super short but he was nice to me through the whole thing. He suggested I call my mom and said we can organize a team night out next month when we play there. If I were actually homesick I think it would have cured me.

Haasy

Okay…so why send us an SOS?

Young

I might have not waited until the locker room was clear to start my conversation

After Cap left me Hazy came over and said “You get homesick?” And then left as soon as I said yes

Berg

…and this is a problem because?

Young

No dude it was the way he said it. It was so serious and he had his thousand yard goalie stare thing going

Haasy

This doesn’t sound like anything

Berg

What could he possibly have gotten from that?

Young

I don’t know! It freaked me out. Goalies see everything, I don’t know what dots he’s connecting

Berg

Dots? You think the guy overheard you say you were homesick to your captain and now thinks what? That you’re secretly working with Pike’s kids to do parenting lessons on the hockey husbands?

Young

Okay well when you put it that way I sound like a conspiracy theorist

Haasy

[video attached: LaPointe tripping over his own skates while running drills with Hollander.]

Hey good news - this part of the plan is going well

***

Ruby thumbs through the screenshots Holmberg sent their group chat again. She still can’t decide if this was a win or not. It’s definitely not their best work, but there was a pep talk? So, that’s something.

It’s been a few days, and they’re going to try for the next step of the plan, anyway. Even if Ruby isn’t really 100% up to the plan. But changing the plan would mean admitting something is bothering her. And that’s out of the question. 

So, she hears the door open downstairs and she pushes herself off her bed to go and greet her uncles and make her way through dinner. She feels the ball of emotion tight in her throat and she refuses to let it win.

They have salmon for dinner. Arthur and Amber pull twin faces when they’re served, but they tuck in all the same. Uncle Shane asks about hockey and Jade jumps in to start talking about their latest game. Much to everyone’s surprise, both twins have switched to defense since moving to Ottawa. 

It’s as good an opening as they’re bound to get. She lets Jade talk for another minute before cutting in to roll her eyes and say, “Can we talk about something else? I don’t want to talk about hockey.”

Every head in the room swivels to look at her. Hayden looks at her like she’s grown another head, “You, Ruby Pike, future star player of Team Canada, don’t want to talk about hockey?”

She shrugs, “All we ever talk about is hockey.” It’s not an answer. Jackie leans over and puts the back of her hand on Ruby’s forehead. Ruby shakes her off.

“She’s just mad coach has us playing on different lines,” Jade says, following the script.

An hour ago, the plan to fight about line changes on their hockey team made sense. Crying on command was a fickle skill amongst all four kids, and they hadn’t wanted to chance it. Big loud argument was the next best way to go. The twins would fight and then Amber could get upset and Arthur could push Shane to comfort her.

Except, Ruby has been feeling off all day. She can’t explain it. She thinks, maybe, a part of her hates living in Ottawa. Most of the time she likes it, but she misses her old friends. Jade’s already made friends here. Actual friends, not just classmates and teammates. Ruby used to be good at that kind of thing. The only thing Ruby feels like she’s good at these days is hockey.

And even though Jade is sticking to the pre-approved lines, something about her statement pokes a little too close to home for Ruby. Something in her tone feels dismissive in a way that borders on mean.

“I don’t care about that.”

“Yes you do. Mira said you played bad when we scrimmaged and you only play bad when you’re mad about something.” It’s more or less what Ruby anticipated her saying, but suddenly this doesn’t feel like a fake fight. It feels very very real.

The ball of emotion that’s been sitting in her chest for the last few days grows warm and works it’s way up her throat. She’s going to be sick.

“Mira doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Ruby snaps. She shoves her hands in her lap so no one can see them shaking.

“What’s your problem with her, anyway?” Jade rolls her eyes. “She’s really nice and you won’t even give her a chance.”

Ruby opens her mouth to explain that Mira being nice is the problem itself. That she’s taking up all of Jade’s time and energy and she’s nice, way nicer than Ruby. If Jade keeps spending time with her she’s going to realize that Ruby isn’t worth keeping around. And Ruby can’t seem to remember how to make friends now that they live in Ottawa, so if Jade leaves her for Mira, Ruby will be alone.

She opens her mouth with every intention of saying all that. Instead, what comes out is a sob. She tries again and gets out, “It’s not about her! Or hockey! Just leave me alone, okay?”

Tears are coming down her cheeks, fast and hot. She pushes back from the table and all but runs up the stairs to her room. She shuts the door with a slam and crawls back on to her bed. Something in her chest aches and she hugs her knees up to her chin, like she can keep herself together by sheer force of will if she just squeezes hard enough.

***

Unnamed Chat

7:42pm

Arthur

Hi I need some help

Young changed the name of the group

Little Dude and the Boys

7:43pm

Young

What’s up

Holmberg

Does your needing help have anything to do with the fact that you made a new group chat without your sisters?

Arthur

Yes

They got into a fight at dinner. A bad one I think

LaPointe

That was the plan though, right?

Arthur

It started fine but then Jade brought up her friend and then they weren’t talking about hockey anymore and then Ruby started crying and ran up to her room

Holmberg

When did this happen?

Arthur

Not that long ago. Me and Amber are still sitting at the table with Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya but Mom and Dad went upstairs and Jade followed them

I’m trying to figure out how to talk to Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya about it so we can keep training them but I’m too worried about Ruby to think of a plan. That’s why I need your help

Haas

If you’re that worried about her, it’s okay to scrap the plan for the night. I know you’re taking this seriously, but we can always try again later.

LaPointe

Haasy’s right, kid. Don’t stress yourself out about this

Arthur

But after tonight there’s more away games and we won’t get a chance for weeks

Plus Ruby’s definitely going to be weird about starting another fake fight. They always get weird after they start randomly crying

Young

What if you flip the script a little? Don’t try to convince them to have a conversation with Ruby, just have a conversation with them yourself. You said you were worried about her, right?

Haas

If they’re both at the table with you we can count this as them working together.

Arthur

Okay I can try that

Thank you

Young

Anytime little dude

***

“Is Ruby going to be okay?”

Amber shoots her brother a look. First, he pulled his tablet out at the table, which they are not allowed to do. (Amber’s a little shocked she didn’t think of doing that herself the moment their parents went upstairs.) And now he’s asking stupid questions. “Why wouldn’t she be okay?”

Arthur stares at her and says, “She was really upset.”

It’s like he’s trying to tell her something, she can feel it. Dinner had gone off track, but the twins were supposed to stage a fight. She was there for that part of planning. She takes another bite of her broccoli to avoid eating the salmon on her plate. It was weird, she thinks, how they didn’t stay on the hockey topic.

Arthur kicks her shin under the table and looks between her and their uncles on the other side of the table. He says, “I’m worried about her.”

And oh, Arthur’s changing the plan in real time. She gets it now. This is the moment she’s been waiting for. She puts on the face she uses most often to get a second bowl of ice cream and says to her uncles, “I don’t want Ruby to be not okay.”

Ilya visibly melts. Amber feels a streak of pride. He says, “She is okay. We don’t need to be worried.”

Arthur squints like he’s doing homework. “But if she’s okay then why did she start crying?”

Amber fights back a smile. She gets what Arthur is doing. This is a plan she can follow. She knocks her foot against Arthur’s under the table, gently, and asks, “Yeah, why was she so upset? She loves hockey.”

“Sometimes,” Shane says, slowly, like he’s picking each word out of the air in front of him. “You can love something so much that it can frustrate you. And sometimes you can get so frustrated it makes you cry.”

“And I don’t think she was just crying about hockey. Sounds like this Mira is a bigger problem,” Ilya says.

“How do you know that?” Arthur asks.

“Tears only started in her eyes after Jade mentioned Mia,” Ilya explains. “I am very perceptive, I see these things.”

“Troy teaches you one word and I never hear the end of it,” Shane grumbles, but he has a small smile on his face.

“You love it.”

Amber can hear footsteps on the landing. “But Mom and Dad are going to talk to her, right? And then she’ll feel better?”

Both men nod. Shane says, “Your mom and dad are good at that kind of thing. I’m sure Ruby will be back to her usual self in no time.”

Amber tries to think of another question, something else to tease out a good parent-like response. So far, she thinks, they’re doing alright.

Hayden and Jackie come back into the dining room. Jackie says, “Okay, Jade’s in the family room picking out a movie and Ruby will be joining us shortly. If we’re all done eating, let’s clear the plates.”

Normally, Amber would complain about carrying her plate in. But they’re on a mission tonight and so she has to be on her best behavior. Everyone stands, plates in hand. Arthur gives her a look and she hangs back from the adults.

“Keep Uncle Ilya downstairs. I’m going to try and trick Uncle Shane into talking to Ruby alone.”

Amber nods. They walk into the kitchen and she immediately starts asking Ilya if she can sit on his lap while they watch a movie, and can he carry her into the living room, pretty please? Ilya agrees and Amber climbs up onto his back.

They’re heading into the living room when she hears Arthur say, “Uncle Shane why don’t you talk to Ruby?”

Amber snorts. So much for subtlety.

***

Later that night, after pajamas and toothbrushes, all four kids climb up on Ruby’s bed. Arthur brings his notebook. Jade sits with her phone out to update the rookies. 

Ruby’s eyes are still red-rimmed from the crying, but she feels much better. “Good call sending Uncle Shane up,” she says to Arthur. “I know that wasn’t the plan.”

Arthur shrugs, “It ended up working out. We were only supposed to get the Uncle Shane conversation done tonight but we got that and their working-together one.”

“Did he do a good job?” Amber asks.

Ruby nods. “He came up after Mom and Dad left and sat down on the bed and just stayed quiet? It was nice, he didn’t ask me anything. After a while I just started talking and he listened to the whole thing and that felt good, too.”

“Did he say anything?” Arthur asks.

“No, that was the weird part. He just listened to me talk and then gave me a hug.”

Jade pauses her transcription, “Do you think that means we can count it as a conversation?”

No one really knows how to answer that. After some deliberation, they decide to count it the same as Uncle Ilya’s pep talk to Young: technically successful with room for improvement. Arthur’s book stresses playing to your strengths and they decide that Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya’s strength is having each other. The joint venture with Arthur and Amber ranks the most successful.

Arthur dutifully takes note of their findings and then passes the notebook to Jade to send a picture. LaPointe sends back a picture of the four of them in a kitchen all giving the camera a thumbs up. His accompanying text reads: We are getting ready to go out and will do more debriefing tomorrow but we are proud of you little pikes! Go team!

Jackie calls up the stairs that they had better all be in bed in their own rooms when she comes upstairs in ten minutes, and they take that as their cue to adjourn their meeting.

Amber bounces off the bed and out the door, most scared of any of them to get caught. Arthur makes it almost all the way to the door before he spins back around and asks Ruby and Jade, “Are you sure you guys are okay?”

If Ruby didn’t know any better she’s say her little brother looked worried. “Yeah,” she tells him. “We are. It’s just settling into a new school stuff.”

“Okay,” he says, nodding. Then he heads back across the hall to his own room. 

Jade squeezes her hand, but says nothing. Ruby squeezes back.

Chapter End Notes

Well, it took a little over a week and outlining a completely different fic (go check out my Anastasia AU for something completely different but still fun) but we did it! I'm proud of this chapter and I hope it's not too heavy for y'all. The character development was calling me and I couldn't resist. I promise we are back to our regularly scheduled nonsense next chapter!

Love you all, let's yap in the comments together💜

Chapter 6: Saturday Morning at the Rising Stars Ice Palace

Chapter Summary

“Great!” says Young, smiling. “We want to come to your daughters’ hockey game tomorrow morning.”

“And we want to take pictures of us there for Harris to post on the Cens accounts,” adds LaPointe.

“Because we support women’s sports,” Haas adds, much more seriously than everyone else. “No other reason.”

Chapter Notes

She's baaaaack! I want to say at the top that I appreciate everyone's patience on this chapter. It was actually so much fun to write, it just took forever because I was out of the country for a minute there. Also, these chapters really do keep getting longer every time. It's completely out of my control at this point, the kids just have so much to say.

Anyway! Hijinks and tomfoolery await you. And we've unlocked a new group chat!

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

7:34pm

Ruby

Baby update!!!

LaPointe

Damn Cap and Hollzy are at your house for dinner again? 

Jade

No they were here yesterday. But Amber went to eavesdrop on our parents while they were making dinner tonight and they were talking about what Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya said yesterday

Ruby

We do not give her enough credit honestly she’s a really good spy

Holmberg

Go baby pike!

Young

What’s the update?

Ruby

They’re trying to see if they can adopt a Russian-speaking kid. It doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of kids like that, but Uncle Shane was very serious about it

Jade

Amber was pretty sure Mom seemed confident they would find one though

Holmberg

I don’t know how far they would move a kid, but there’s a decent Russian community in Toronto so it doesn’t sound impossible

LaPointe

How on earth do you know that??

Holmberg

I was billeted there for a year! The Russian bakery was on the way to the rink

Haas

Have you told Cap this?

Holmberg

I mentioned it once I think. It was right before Barrett’s first game with us against Toronto though so I’m not sure he remembers 

Haas

You should tell him again when we play them in two weeks

Young

Team bonding at a bakery??? Bergy please do this for us

Jade

You guys really do team bonding? Dad keeps mentioning it but I thought it was a joke

LaPointe

Yeah! Every couple of weeks we do something to “boost morale” 

Cap and Bood do most of the organizing

Young

This is one of those “power of friendship” things that we have been told other teams don’t do

Holmberg

If I ever get traded I’m going to cry 

Jade

I think Dad agrees with you

Ruby

What’s your next team bonding thing? And can we come????

Haas

I actually don’t think anything is planned coming up. We don’t always do them at home, a lot of the time it’s on the road

Young

…you really want to come hang around a bunch of hockey players?

Ruby

We ARE hockey players!

Jade

Best players on our team thankyouverymuch

Young

Not what I meant and you know it!

LaPointe

Pike never stops bragging about his “favorite defensive pair” so trust me when I say we know you play hockey

Holmberg

Apparently your new team is pretty good?

Jade

It’s WAY better than the team in montreal

Haas

When’s your next game?

Jade

This weekend why?

Ruby

Omg Jade 

I think they want to come to the game

Haas

It could be good team bonding!

Young

Oh it would be so easy to make it a sanctioned event

LaPointe

What route do we think is easiest: Harris, Cap or Bood?

Arthur

Hi I have an idea

Holmberg

Oh hey little dude, you been here the whole time?

Young

He pops up like a little ghost!

Arthur

Not the whole time but I heard Ruby and Jade talking down the hall so I got my tablet to check and see what was happening

LaPointe

Quick who wants to bet that little dude’s idea is another parenting plan?

Young

Terrible bet my guy. Little dude is always thinking about the parenting plan

Ruby

[image attached: taken from around a door frame, Arthur sitting on his bed with his tablet in his lap, the parenting book open next to him on his left, his notebook open next to him on his right, a small green alligator stuffed animal tucked behind him]

I’ll take your money if you want!

LaPointe

Okay whatever assholes

What’s the plan little dude?

Jade

Swear jar!

Arthur

Chapter 12 of the book talks about extracurlers like sports and how parents have to make it about the kids and not about themselves. I think Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are going to need help with that

Haas

Have they been to a game before? What’s the baseline?

Ruby

Ugh they really are terrible actually

I meannnnn I love them so much and sometimes Uncle Ilya gets us ice cream afterwards

Jade

Last game they came to Mom had to confiscate theirs and Dad’s phones so they wouldn’t text us between periods

Ruby

They make Dad worse! Usually he’s fine when he can make it to a game

Jade

Luckily they can barely come to games because, you know, they have their own games to play

Arthur

They get very very loud

Young

See now this I’ve gotta see firsthand

Holmberg

Show of hands in support of Operation Pike Kid Hockey Game?

Haas

✋

LaPointe

✋

Arthur

✋

Young

✋

Ruby

I swear to god if you embarrass us at our own game I will blackmail you for everything you are worth

Jade

But like yes! We’re in!

***

The locker room on game day mornings was the opposite of quiet and peaceful. They’re loud and chaotic and Troy tries to spend as much time in Harris’ office as possible. Unfortunately for him, Harris has “meetings” that cannot involve “his sweet clingy boyfriend who definitely has a morning skate to be doing.” So, fine, Troy’s in the locker room listening to Dykstra and Roz battle over the bluetooth speaker for their equally, in his opinion, trash music.

His stall is right next to Haas, which means his stall is effectively next to all the babies, because those guys are extremely codependent. If Troy thinks about their easy camaraderie and general openness with one another for too long, something clenches in his chest but. Anyway.

“There’s no way in hell they agree to this game,” Holmberg is saying. “It’s tomorrow!”

“Tomorrow is a day off,” Young says, tugging off his sweatshirt and cramming it into Haas’ locker like his own isn’t ten steps away.

“Which everyone probably already has plans for,” Holmberg says.

“Plans can change!”

LaPointe sighs, “This is a stupid fucking argument. Let’s just ask Cap if we can go first.”

Troy really really doesn’t care what they’re arguing about. What he cares about is Young’s elbows nearly hitting him every time he tries to make a point. If he says something to them, he knows with certainty the kids will rope him into whatever terrible scheme they’re cooking up. Luckily for him, unluckily for them, he used to be shit-stirrer number one on his old team.

Troy cups his hands around his mouth and yells across the room, “Hey! Roz! Come collect your children!”

“Not my children!” Roz calls back, abandoning the music to Dykstra. He crosses the room to stand in front of the four rookies.

“Your little ducklings then,” Troy smirks. The rookies all groan and protest. “They’re scheming and using one locker again, thought you might want to stage another intervention.”

A few feet away Bood falls forward to bang his head on the wall, “Your monkeys, Roz! I had to talk to them the last time they all almost ended up with the same fucking athlete’s foot.”

“We were gonna take all our stuff out before we got on the ice!” Young protests. “It’s just easier to not have to yell to each other across the room.”

While his friends try to defend their asses, Troy watches Haas separate out the clothes that have all made their way into his stall and push bundles of clothes into the appropriate set of gesticulations.

“Kiss ass,” LaPointe says. “You just want to stay Cap’s favorite kid.”

“Fuck off,” Haas mutters. Then turns to Roz and asks, with more bravado than confidence, “Is it working?”

Roz huffs out a laugh and ruffles the kid’s hair. Then, he turns and yells to the room, “On the ice in ten minutes!”

***

They go with the Harris Plan (as opposed to the Cap Plan, Bood Plan, or Pike Plan). The Harris Plan finds them all crowding into Harris’ office as soon as morning practice is over. By all accounts, they should be heading back home to take a nap and eat enough lunch to sustain them for the home game in a few hours. 

Harris tells them as much himself. Troy, from his chair in the corner, snorts out a laugh. “I’m referring to all the hockey players in my office right now, not just the children!” Harris calls over.

Troy looks up from his phone, “Do you want me to leave?”

“Absolutely not,” Harris says, then focuses back on the four overgrown adults trying to sit in the two regular-sized chairs across the desk from him. “Why are you here?”

LaPointe clears his throat, “Sharks, today we present to you an investment opportunity.”

Young smacks him in the chest, “Dumbass, that’s the speech for the Combined Cap/Bood Plan.”

“Oh, right.” He clears his throat again, “Harris, do you remember the speech you gave us during pre-season?”

Harris raises an eyebrow, “I remember a quick talk about player conduct on the internet?”

“Yes, that! Well, we,” LaPointe gestures to their little group as if there was any doubt as to whom he was referring, “have an idea so great you won’t have to worry about the implications of us going viral.”

“That’s a big word for Elmo,” Holmberg says.

“Man, shut up! I had a whole vibe here.”

“Sorry! Sorry.”

Harris holds up a hand, silencing the beginnings of a wrestling match, “Can one of you just tell me what trend you saw online that you want to film next practice?”

“It’s not a trend,” Young says. “It’s a content outing.”

“We want to take the whole team to the Pike twins’ U13 game tomorrow,” Haas says. “It’ll show team solidarity for women’s sports.” Which isn’t even technically a lie! It’s just not the primary motivation, but Harris doesn’t need to know that.

“That’s…not a terrible idea,” Harris concedes. “Did you clear it with Hayden?”

“Who?”

“Pike. Hayden Pike. The father of the girls you want to go support?”

“Oh,” says Holmberg. “No, but the girls are on board, if that helps?”

Harris takes a deep breath in through his nose with his eyes shut gently. He exhales and looks at them, saying, “How did you get the girls- Actually, you know what? This feels like something I don’t want the answer to. Either way, you need Hayden’s permission if you’re going to post anything. His kids are minors and not related to any of you legally.”

Four heads start nodding in unison. “On it. Talk to Pike.”

“And,” Harris continues, holding up an hand to keep everyone in their seats. “At best I can offer you the team accounts reposting your social media posts. You’ve given me like twelve hours’ notice about something on a day off. I’m sure most of the guys have plans already, so it might just be you four.”

Young shrugs, “We can work with that.”

LaPointe holds out a hand, “It’s been a pleasure negotiating with you Mr. Drover.”

Harris shakes it, almost without thinking. The others tease LaPointe as they leave the room in their typical rough-housing-pushing-and-shoving-while-laughing fashion. Haas throws a “Thank you!” over his shoulder before the door closes behind them.

Troy looks up from his phone and says, “We have plans tomorrow, right?”

***

Loud Tall Babies

1:38pm

Young

Hey Cap

We have a question

1:41pm

Berg

Cap?

Haas

He’s probably pre-game napping

Pointy

Cap

Cap

Cap

Cap

Berg

Gabe we need him to answer us don’t annoy the shit out of him

Young

Better yet don’t annoy the shit out of ME

Haas

At some point do we just call him? If he’s sleeping it might go through Do Not Disturb

Pointy

Haasy you’re probably the only one who could break through that and even then idk

Young

50/50 shot at best

Haas

Okay never mind 

I am not going to be the one to call him during nap time

Berg

Speaking of

I also want to nap during nap time

Pointy

Sucks to suck

We’re on a timeline here

Young

Caaaaaaaaaaap

Berg

What happened to not being annoying?

Young

It’s not annoying when I do it

Haas

You know he’s going to see all this when he wakes up right? We could just tell him now and wait for him to answer later

Cap

And that is why Luca is my favorite

Young

Cap!

Pointy

Cap!

Berg

Cap!

Haas

😁

Cap

You have two minutes to ask your questions before I turn off my phone until after the game

Young

Oh shit okay

What are your plans for the day off tomorrow?

Cap

Last time I told you about day off plans Haas wouldn’t make eye contact for a week

Haas

Not true!

Berg

Connor I told you that was a dumb lead in question

Pointy

Can we go with you to the Pike girls game tomorrow?

Cap

…how do you know there is a game?

Pointy

We have our ways

Haas

Harris said it would be good content for the team!

Young

He said he would bring in Chiron if we did a good job

Berg

Please???

Cap

Three conditions

Young

Wait okay yes we’re ready

Cap

1. Immediately after this you never bother me again during nap time unless it’s an emergency

2. You have to ask Pike yourselves and he has to say yes

3. We have to win game tonight

Berg

On it🫡

Pointy

Yes yes yes

Haas

Thank you!

Young

We won’t let you down Cap

***

“Hey, Pike.”

Hayden pops his head through his shirt to see the four youngest members of the team standing in front of him, in varying states of dress. They all came off the ice at the same time; so, he’s not sure how Haas is showered and dressed already, Holmberg is showered and half-dressed, LaPointe has a towel wrapped around his waist, and Young somehow still has most of his gear on. Don’t those guys do everything together on principle?

“Uh, hey guys.” Is what he says, eyes darting to the side to find Shane or Ilya or Bood or actually any other adult. The intensity of these kids is freaking him out.

Young and LaPointe shove Holmberg forward as a chosen leader. “So, we won the game tonight.”

“Yeah? I was there?”

“Right, right. So the thing is, we kinda made a deal with Cap and we really need you to help us make him hold up his end of the bargain.”

Hayden has no earthly idea where this is going. “I mean I’ll help if I can?”

“Great!” says Young, smiling. “We want to come to your daughters’ hockey game tomorrow morning.”

“And we want to take pictures of us there for Harris to post on the Cens accounts,” adds LaPointe.

“Because we support women’s sports,” Haas adds, much more seriously than everyone else. “No other reason.”

***

Amber gets dragged to a lot of hockey games, understandably. She would probably get dragged to less games if she was playing in some of them, but she does not want to be a hockey player. She wants to be a figure skater, thank you very much. (Actually, she wants to be an ice dancer like Piper Gilles, but she has had very little luck convincing her brother to be her partner and boys are in short supply. So, it’s figure skating for now.)

There’s an underground society at the Rising Stars Ice Palace, and Amber has quickly become their queen. She’s quite proud of the title considering they’ve only lived here for about six months.

She held the title of Queen of the Rink Rats back in Montreal, too. It was passed down to her by Sophie Martin after Sophie’s older brother got billeted in Quebec for Junior As and the Martins stopped coming to the rink unless Sophie herself was on the ice. It’s a simple fact of the universe: you can’t rule the rink rats if you don’t spend time with your subjects under the bleachers. 

Amber was a kind and fair ruler in Montreal. Sophie passed down the title in a beautiful ceremony when Amber was almost five-and-a-half. The other children accepted her as their leader even though she was a bit young to be named Queen (typically rink rats age out around eight years old, which Sophie had been) and she spent a wonderful eight months in charge of where they went and what they did during all manner of weekend hockey games.

In Ottawa, it was less a peaceful transfer of power and more of a hostile takeover.

Amber was the first Pike kid to go to the rink at all. Figure skating lessons for her age group were earliest in the afternoon, right after school. It was a nice facility, with separate rinks for figure skating and hockey. It was abundantly clear, though, Amber thought as she trailed Jackie into the building a few months ago, that the rink rats here were deeply unorganized. They were everywhere she looked; and this was a Tuesday early afternoon practice slot.

The problem was worse when she had time to wander around during Arthur’s U9 practice. Kids were regularly going over to check in with their parents and asking for things; almost none of them were dressed appropriately for crawling around on dirty rubber floors. Something had to be done.

She appointed herself Queen and has spent the last six months whipping them into shape. There’s a code of honor amongst rink rats and by god, Amber will make sure they follow it. Six months in and everyone has stopped listening to Jason Taylor (thank the hockey gods). Her loyal followers are wearing proper attire (sneakers, jeans, sweatshirts with pockets; none of that weird crocs and t-shirt business) and so many little nooks and crannies have been found in this building Amber thinks she ought to give someone knighthood for finding them.

Most importantly, none of the rink rats are going back to their parents until it is absolutely 100% time to go home. This is the guiding principle. If you stay out of sight, out of mind, you get more freedom to do whatever you want. That freedom is how Amber got the rest of the kids in line.

That rule is also her biggest problem today. As always, Amber doesn’t care much for the game happening outside of the fact that she cares about her sisters. But today there is a Plan and she and Arthur both need to be on the bleachers with their parents and the rookies. Which leaves Amber in a tight spot.

When she brings this up to Arthur in the back of the car on the drive over, he just shrugs. He’s basically aged out of the rink rats and spends his time in the corner of the lobby with a few other kids his age passing around one video game between a group of them. They’ll be fine without him.

She thinks she’ll have a few minutes before her uncles or the rookies show up to get her affairs in order. She’ll need to deputize someone for the day; Sarah or Tyler, maybe.

But they pull up to the rink so Ruby and Jade can drag their gear out of the trunk and all four rookies are already standing at the door with grins and matching teal sweatshirts.

“Oh no,” Ruby mutters. “Who told them the team colors?”

“Probably Uncle Ilya,” Dad says. “There was some weird deal involved.”

Amber starts recalculating on the fly. If she can’t slip away right when they walk in, maybe she can get a minute before they park the car.

“Dad,” she says, putting on her sweetest voice.

“Yes?”

“Can Arthur and I get out of the car now? Since your teammates are here? We can show them how to get inside while you park the car.”

He thinks about it and shares a look with Mom. Then rolls down his car window and waves the rookies closer.

“What up, Pikes?” says LaPointe when they get close.

“If I put Arthur and Amber in your care for ten minutes while we park the car will they be in one piece when we get back?”

“Oh, for sure,” says Holmberg. “We are excellent babysitters.”

“When have you ever-” Haas starts.

“Not the time, Haasy.”

Arthur climbs up to lean over the center console. “We don’t need a babysitter.”

Mom cups his face in her hands. “I know you think that, baby, but the rink rules say otherwise.”

Arthur starts to grumble but Amber grabs his arm, “So, we can go?”

“Sure,” says Dad.

“Thank you!” She says, making sure to hug him around the neck before bodily pulling her brother out on to the pavement.

Ruby and Jade are already inside and the car has pulled away when she spins around and puts her hands on her hips to address the troops. “Okay, when we get in there I have some stuff to take care of so just let me go, okay? I’ll be fast.”

Holmberg laughs. “Your father will kill us if we lose you so, no.”

“What do you have to do so urgently?” Young asks. “It’s eleven in the morning on a Saturday.”

Arthur rolls his eyes. “She’s Queen of the Rink Rats and because you guys are here she can’t hang out with them the whole game.”

“It’s serious business!” she protests. “I have to make sure they don’t overthrow me while I’m sitting in the stands.”

“Sorry,” Young says. “You’re a rat queen?”

Everyone laughs. LaPointe shoves him lightly and says, “You are never beating the only child allegations.”

“It’s the younger siblings dragged to games,” Haas explains. “A lawless band of children.”

Holmberg grins, “And by the looks of it, Baby Pike is their leader.”

“Not a baby!”

“Wait,” says Young, “All of you know about this? Did all of you do this?”

“It’s a right of passage,” says LaPointe. Behind him, Holmberg and Haas nod.

“Even you?” Young points to Haas. “They had this in Switzerland?”

Haas shrugs, “I think they have this everywhere. Kids like to move in packs like wild animals.”

Young frowns, “Well, now I feel like I missed a core childhood experience.”

Amber grins and grabs his hand. “I can fix that. Come with me.”

***

Jackie loves her husband always. She loves him even more when he finds them ten minutes in the middle of a Saturday without any of their children. Sure, she barely knows the kids from his team, hasn’t vetted them the way she would a typical babysitter, but they seem like good kids. And more than all of that, she’s really happy in her spot in her husband’s lap.

She and Hayden had grinned at each other like maniacs once the kids were out of the car. Hayden parked as far from the building as he could and Jackie wasted no time climbing over the center console.

They don’t have time for more than a quick make out, but that’s more than either of them could have planned for the day. So.

Now, with her husband’s mouth on hers, Jackie lets her mind empty the way it only seems to when she’s with him like this. Everything is warm and sweet and she relaxes her whole body against him.

And then, because Jackie hasn’t had a moment of peace in twelve and a half years, someone knocks on the car window.

Without looking, Hayden flips his middle finger. Jackie pulls back and turns her head, praying it’s not one of the other team parents they want to stay on the good side of.

Ilya Rozanov grins at them.

Getting out of the car is a little inelegant, but they manage. Hayden grumbles, “Not cool, Rozanov. What have we ever done to you?”

Ilya grins wider, somehow. “Remember when you outed me and my husband in a FanMail video?”

“Oh, fuck off!”

Jackie smiles, “Hi Shane. Thanks for coming to support the girls.”

“Yeah! You know we love them.”

They start walking towards the entrance, husbands following in their wake. Ilya comes up to drape his arm around Shane’s waist and Hayden grabs Jackie’s hand, rubbing little circles on her wrist with his thumb.

They’re early, by all means. The players had to be dropped off at eleven, but the puck won’t drop for another thirty minutes. (If the refs are on time, which they never are.) But Jackie likes to be early to these things. She especially likes to be early when she’s with some of the NHL’s biggest stars. It’s not that they won’t be recognized, this is an ice rink in Canada, but it gives the staff some time to prepare.

Speaking of, “Where are all your rookies?” she asks Shane and Ilya as they stake out spots in the stands. Four professional hockey players should be relatively easy to spot, she thinks. Not to mention two of her children should be with them.

“They’re here already?” Ilya asks, pulling out his phone. “They did not text me.”

Beside her, Hayden goes still. Jackie squeezes his arm, “Babe, they did not kidnap the kids. I’m sure they’re around here somewhere.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“I promise I do.”

Shane and Ilya exchange a look next to them and then Ilya says, “What if Jackie and I go look for them? You and Shane stay here in case they turn up, yes?”

Hayden nods, some tension bleeding out of him. “Okay, yeah, good plan. Thanks, man.”

Jackie presses a kiss to his cheek, “We’ll be right back.”

Once they’re out of earshot, Ilya says, “You should not worry, the rookies are good kids.”

“We know,” Jackie says. “And I’m not worried. Hayden’s always been like that; protective of them. I’m sure you’ll understand yourself in a few months…”

Ilya puts his hand over her mouth but he’s laughing. “If Shane hears you we are both in trouble!” He puts on a bad impression of Shane and says, “No jinxes, Ilya. You play hockey don’t you know how these things work?”

Jackie lets out a peal of laughter. “Okay, okay. No more jinxes going forward but I stand by what I said.”

It doesn’t take them long to find the rookies in the end. Jackie follows the sound of her youngest’s voice down a back hallway and they find her standing in front of a group of eight or so children, not including the four overgrown children.

“…and you have to listen to Sarah today because I said so. If anyone does anything they’re not supposed to then she is going to come and get me and my bodyguards will deal with you.” Amber says, hands on her hips and tone deathly serious. Jackie’s chest warms with pride. That’s her mini me.

A little girl, Sarah, presumably, stands up next to Amber. Sarah’s a little taller, probably a year or so older, but there’s no doubt about who’s in charge. She says, “Yeah, I’ll tell Amber everything so no one mess up.”

Next to Jackie, Ilya shoves a fist in his mouth, biting down a bark of laughter. “Do you think the bodyguards…”

“…are your rookies?” Jackie whispers back. “Yes, I think they are.”

At the other end of the hallway Amber claps twice and pronounces, “Okay! You all heard me! Sarah is in charge so no messing up. If you do my bodyguards will get you.” She raises her hands towards the back of the assembled group. “Bodyguards, rise!”

“I told you, kid, we’re not threatening children on your behalf,” Holmberg says, but all four of them stand up anyway.

Arthur stands too, grabbing LaPointe’s phone to check the time. “Um, Amber, we gotta go.”

Amber nods and declares she needs to be carried away. Jackie and Ilya retreat to the lobby. If at all possible, Jackie wants to keep the fact that she knows what her kids do during hockey games a secret. It’s good for them to have something to occupy their time. She threatens Ilya into keeping the secret as well.

The kids round the corner thirty seconds later. Amber is perched on Holmberg’s back. Arthur is talking at an impressive speed to Haas, who is listening intently. Young and LaPointe are grinning and telling her daughter that she’s “the man.” Jackie thinks maybe they should use them for an actual stretch of babysitting.

“Come on, there’s a lot of us today,” she says. “We need to get a good seat and send your sisters a picture before the game.”

***

Ruby might throw up. She’s been playing hockey her whole life. She’s good at hockey. She was a decent winger in Montreal and she’s an excellent defender in Ottawa. She’s had professional hockey players attending her games since she was a toddler. It has never once made her nervous.

But for some reason, looking at a picture from her mom of her family in the bleachers with the four rookies is making her so nervous. It’s weird, she thinks, that suddenly there’s not any air in the little locker room.

Jade catches her eye and leaves her conversation with Mira to come sit on the bench. “Are you dying?”

Ruby swallows, “I think so.”

“Oh,” says Jade. “Uh, do you want me to get Coach? Or Mom?”

Ruby shakes her head. “What if I play badly?”

“Oh my god you are dying.”

“This isn’t funny!”

“Ruby,” Jade says seriously. “You’re good at hockey. You know you’re good.”

“Yeah, but Dad’s teammates are out there!”

“You play in front of Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya all the time? And you’re worried about a couple of rookies?”

Ruby takes a sip of her water bottle. “This is different,” she protests. “Dad and Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are forwards and they have to love us.”

Understanding dawns in Jade’s face. “Young and LaPointe.”

Ruby nods. “What if they think…” she doesn’t finish the thought.

Jade looks at her for a moment. “Ruby. I get that you’re nervous but I need you to get it together.”

“That’s not helpful!”

“Okay, fine,” Jade rolls her eyes. “Mira! Come here! I need you to help me with something!”

Mira walks over and Ruby’s nerves start to melt into annoyance. “What’s up? Coach wants us on the ice in two minutes, you know.”

“Who’s a better defensive pair: me and Ruby or Young and LaPointe?”

“Like, from the Cens?”

Jade nods.

Mira doesn’t hesitate. “You guys, obviously. You’ve got the twin telepathy thing and Young’s edges lately are gross.”

“Thank you,” Jade says. She picks up Ruby’s helmet and shoves it at her. “Now, get it together and let’s show them we’re better than they are.”

Ruby smiles.

***

Max Holmberg was warned. They were all warned. The Pike kids actually could not have been more clear about how insane their uncles get during a youth hockey game.

Really, it’s his own fault for not listening to them.

Jackie collected phones from Shane and Ilya before the start of the first period, citing the same game Jade had told them about. All three men, because Pike also lost his phone privileges, grumbled but obeyed. Holmberg decides he’s a little scared of Jackie Pike.

The twins start the game on the ice. For the first eight minutes their little group watches in silence. It’s been a minute since Holmberg was around youth hockey players, and he figures the same of the other guys, but these girls are good. He’d known the Pike girls were fast but watching them during gameplay is something else.

Jade, number 18, connects a pass from Ruby, 17, and sends the puck down the ice. LaPointe leans over to Young and says, “Dude, why can’t you read my mind like that?”

It’s the calm before the storm. Amber sits happily in her Uncle Ilya’s lap. Arthur is wedged between Haas and Young, his little smile at being included as “one of the boys” downright heartwarming. Holmberg thinks he’s in for a relatively chill morning of hockey.

Then, a winger on the opposing team slams Jade into the boards. She shakes it off and keeps skating but Shane is on his feet, Hayden right beside him.

“What the fuck was that?” they say in unison.

“Swear jar!” Amber says.

Ilya, still seated, says, “That should have been a fucking penalty!”

“Swear jar!” Young says, because he’s wired specifically to piss people off.

“Will you idiots sit down?” Jackie says. “Jade is fine. This is hockey.”

They sit down.

Shifts are longer in youth hockey, the play is different. So, they get a few minutes of peace while the girls are off the ice. Jackie points out the girls’ friend Mira playing wing.

The girls start their second shift and suddenly the floodgates open. Shane and Ilya are like running broadcast commentary.

“If Ruby tightened up her backhand she could…”

“…tell her that she can connect passes if she anticipates…”

“The other girls on this team cannot keep up…”

“You are sure this is U13? The other team is playing like…”

“…kind of passing drills are they running at practice? They should be…”

Amber slips off Ilya’s lap and hops down a level to sit with her brother and the rookies. She wiggles in between Holmberg and LaPointe.

Holmberg leans down to her, “Is it always like this?”

Amber nods. “If Mom let them have their phones they’d be saying all that and texting it to the girls.”

So, he thinks, the silence at the beginning was intense restraint, not just awe of the girls’ skill. Got it.

***

During the period break, Arthur asks, “Are they like that during your games?”

Holmberg thinks about it. “Yes, but weirdly this feels more intense.”

“Yeah,” agrees LaPointe, “Less helpful for sure.”

Arthur nods and pulls a folded piece of paper and pencil out of his sweatshirt pocket. He turns around to kneel and lean on his seat. He unfolds the paper, revealing the title “Extracurlers: What Not To Do.” He starts writing down a note about things being “worse than work hockey.”

Haas looks from the paper on the bench next to him and back to the adults sitting in the row right behind them. “What are you-”

“They’re not paying attention to us. Be cool,” Arthur says, not looking up from his work.

***

As previously decided, the first period was for observation. The second period is for interrogation. Haas is least excited for this phase of the plan

The game starts back up and the twins are back on the ice. It only takes sixty seconds for Shane and Ilya to start yelling at the refs.

“Why didn’t they call that?” Shane says. “She was clearly high-sticking.”

“Refs are idiots,” Ilya says. “Blind idiots.”

Young, bravest of them all, says, “Aren’t these guys like, reffing for free?”

Jackie says, “They get free snacks after the game for their trouble.”

Next shift, more of the same:

“Jade just needs to lean into her edges more and her turning is going to be so much faster.”

“Hayd, you can run drills with her in your driveway for that. I’ll send you-”

“No, Hollander, don’t send him anything. We will do it next time they are at our house.”

LaPointe jumps in. “Cap, Hollzy, do you guys ever turn the Cap thing off?”

“What?”

“Like, you know you’re not Captain right now, right?”

They grumble a response and quiet down. Jackie grins.

The last shift the girls take in the second period, Ruby gets sent to the penalty box. She very obviously tripped the other girl, but no one in their group is about to admit that.

“These stupid fucking refs,” Ilya complains, throwing his hands in the air.

“Swear jar!” Amber sing-songs.

“Oh my god, Jacks. She’s turning into an enforcer. What have we done?” Hayden groans, pulling his hands down his face.

As if on cue, Ruby turns around from her place in the box to give them all a double thumbs up.

And, they probably should be sticking to the mission at hand. But none of them can help themselves.

Young stands up and starts cheering, “Ruby Pike! That was amazing!”

“Go Ruby!” Holmberg yells, hands cupped around his mouth.

Haas does an impressive whistle and LaPointe just claps and whoops. Amber joins in, standing on the bench to give her some extra height.

“Okay, okay,” Jackie chastises. “We’re still trying to teach them not to get penalties.”

“At least she’s getting them for good reason,” Shane says. “The other team was absolutely coming for their center the last couple of plays.”

Jackie sighs in defeat.

***

According to the plan, the third period was supposed to be for demonstration. Some positive examples of how to cheer on a kid without being weird and intense about it. Last night, this had made a lot of sense to Arthur. The book likes to talk about modeling behavior. Usually it means it in the context of showing your kid how to do something, but as far as Arthur figures it should work both ways.

Of course, things don’t go to plan. Things never go perfectly to plan and Arthur bemoans this fact regularly.

The third period starts and all bets are off.

Technically speaking, the rookies are following the plan. They’re being supportive; cheering for the girls and not criticizing the refs, or the coaches, or any of the players.

They are also, however, almost exclusively rooting for the girls to get more penalties.

“Get her, Jade!” 

“Hit her again!”

Jade gets a two minute penalty for checking and they cheer nearly as loud as when they won the Cup. Amber gets into with them, fueled by the violence and the screaming. Hayden is on the edge of his seat and Jackie is eyeing the other parents like she’s worried they’ll say something.

The silver lining, Arthur supposes, is that it mostly breaks their uncles out of their insane yelling-at-the-refs-and-holding-everyone-to-NHL-standards thing. Ilya easily joins in cheering for the penalties; calling things like “That’s my Ruby/Jade!” or “I taught her that!” with glee. Shane’s commentary switches from direct criticism to things like “If she’s going to slam her into the boards, she needs to protect her shoulder better.”

So, it’s baby steps. It wasn’t the plan, really, but the end result is still a change in behavior. A win is a win. He writes as much on his notebook page after the game while they’re waiting for the twins in the lobby. Haas sends him another panicked look, but Arthur’s fairly confident hiding in plain sight isn’t going to fail them.

***

Jade feels like she’s flying. They won the game by a few points and she’s never had that much fun. As they pack up the last of their gear, Ruby flashes her another grin. Their cheering section was definitely the loudest.

Coach catches them at the door, “Who was here for you today?”

“Our family and some of Dad’s teammates,” Jade says.

Coach sighs, “Okay. Can you tell your parents I’d like a word with them before you leave?”

Jade nods. Ruby’s face falls, “Are we-”

“No, no. You’re not in trouble,” Coach says quickly. “You girls played well today, if a little rougher than I’d like. Go enjoy your win, I’ll find your parents in the lobby.”

They exit the locker room and enter the lobby to a round of cheers. Jade smiles so wide her cheeks hurt. They drop their gear bags against the wall and Hayden grabs them both for a hug. He releases them and Jackie leans in to kiss the tops of their heads.

Jade warms under the affection and says as casually as she can, “Coach Kelly wants to talk to you guys before we leave.”

Her parents exchange a glance over her head. “Ten bucks says I know what this is about.”

Hayden snorts, “No deal. That’s a terrible bet. Everyone knows what this is about.”

“Little Pikes!” cry a chorus of voices. And yeah, Jade thinks, everyone knows what Coach wants to talk about.

She and Ruby are swept into hugs from Uncle Ilya and Uncle Shane and a weird series of fist bumps and high-fives from the rookies. The matching teal sweatshirts is very embarrassing. The pictures they demand to take with the girls while wearing the sweatshirts is also embarrassing. Jade tells them as much, but she can’t seem to wipe the smile off her face.

“So,” Ruby says, once the pictures have been taken and their parents have gone to talk to Coach and Amber has slipped away to talk to her friend Sarah. “Who’s the better pair? Us or them?” She waves a hand towards Young and LaPointe.

“You,” Haas and Holmberg say at the same time.

Young tries to look offended for all of two seconds before nodding his agreement. Ruby beams.

“No, genuinely,” LaPointe says. “How do you read each other on the ice so well?”

Jade shrugs, “Have you tried telepathy? That’s what works for us.”

***

Ottawa Centaurs @CentaursNHL✔️

Our team support one another on and off the ice! Yesterday, some of our players went to cheer on @HaydenPike35 ’s kids at their U13 game.

[Image Description: LaPointe, Young, Haas and Holmberg in matching teal sweatshirts standing in a line, grinning from ear to ear. Standing in front of them are two girls with matching double-dutch braids, slightly frizzy from a full game in a helmet. Their backs are to the camera. The back of their sweatshirts say “Pike 17” and “Pike 18” respectively.]

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Chapter End Notes

I want to notes-app apologize in advance if anyone feels I have appropriated rink rat culture. My sister was a competitive gymnast, so while I do know ball, I am aware it might look different at an ice rink. That said, I stand by Amber being Queen of the Rink Rats. She's just like her mama.

Fear not, I am not leaving the country again anytime soon (sad for me, good for all of you) and the next chapter is already in the works! I even tried to put a little foreshadowing in this chapter, so let me know your theories if you have them.

Love you all💜

Chapter 7: Everyone Has Cooties

Chapter Summary

Or, Drinking Games and Dating Apps

Chapter Notes

sometimes, writing a chapter is like making pasta - you follow your instincts and it whips together in no time. other times it's like a complicated pastry - things have to be done with care, layered precisely. all of which is to say: think of this chapter like a beautiful and delicate croissant. I wanted to get this chapter done by Shane's birthday, but pastry cannot be rushed.

also! actual note before we start: just to remind you that we are working with sitcom rules of engagement! this is the power of friendship and gay sex hockey team so them and their partners get to do things because they love each other! they're family! but in real life, if your manager's wife gets involved in your love life you might wanna contact hr. anyway, rest assured everyone comes out of this one safe and laughing

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

10:57pm

Young

God this team is so fucking old

Berg

What?

Young

Stop looking at me like that. Don’t let them know we’re texting each other in the same room again

Haasy

What are you mad about?

Young

The average age of this team is eight million years old

Haasy

The average age of this team is maybe thirty?? Maybe

Young

Haasy do you realize that you’ve been the youngest player on this team since your rookie year? That’s not normal

Berg

Now that you mention it one of the guys I was drafted with was given a rookie this year

Granted that’s San Jose and they have that terrifying line of children playing for them but

Young

That’s what I’m saying!! 

Pointy

No no because it IS insane that everyone else is married

Young

With kids!! Practically 

And they wonder why the four of us remain single

Berg

Okay I’m listening to them and I hear it now

New drinking game! Everyone take a sip when someone mentions a kid, doesn’t even have to be their own

***

Wyatt is suspicious by nature, but this is making him feel crazy. Full team outings to Monk’s pretty much only happen after weekend wins at home, which is fine by everyone, he thinks. During the week, everyone’s got kids to get home to and after a loss…everyone’s also got kids to get home to.

Wyatt and Lisa are happily childfree, thank you very much, but he can’t deny that the scheduling works for him. A couple of beers with the team is always fun, but Lisa’s going to win out every time. He probably would have considered skipping tonight, actually, but Lisa’s on the overnight shift at the hospital.

The team is spread out over a couple of high tops towards the back of the room. That’s normal. The kids have commandeered a pool table and are halfway through a game. That’s also normal.

What’s not normal is the lack of chatter coming from said pool table.

Wyatt zones out of Bood’s story about Milo’s preschool and locks in on the kids. They’re still playing pool with the typical everything-is-a-competition focus, but they’re not talking. It’s dead silent. Every thirty seconds or so they all lift their drinks for a sip.

It’s creepy.

Wyatt’s brain runs him through a couple of horror movie plots: aliens, ghosts, demonic possession. None of them quite fit the bill.

“…oh man I know. We went through a similar thing with Walker,” Chouinard says in answer to Bood.

All four rookies sip from their drinks and go back to playing without a word.

“So, what did you end up doing? Everyday when Cass picks him up they tell us someone bit Milo.”

Sip.

“Honestly you have to wait it out when they’re that young.”

LaPointe misses his shot.

“…or you could teach him how to throw a punch.”

Haas picks up his drink and holds it.

“Milo is three!”

Sip.

“Better to have the bitten than having the biter. Amber was a menace at that age.”

Sip.

“We had one of each and it’s bad both ways.”

Young sinks a ball into the corner pocket. No one touches their drink.

There’s a pattern there, he knows it. He watches for a few more minutes, tuning out the conversation around him once again. While he watches his mind wanders. He should really look up the percentage of all people with curly hair; he feels like this team might be a high incidence case.

“Why are the rookies so quiet?” Wyatt is broken from his thoughts by the arrival of one Ilya Rozanov, bearing a round of drinks. “It’s not like them, especially after a win.”

Wyatt’s mouth pulls information his conscious brain could not access. “They’re playing a drinking game that involves listening to our conversation. Or, the conversation at this table.”

It’s an educated guess at best, really. No way of knowing how accurate it is. Except, Young and Holmberg whip out their phones at that exact moment and Haas flushes bright red. LaPointe, distracted by sinking a shot, looks up and says, “Oh, for fuck’s sake guys.”

All conversations about preschooler on preschooler crime halts.

“Ilya, leave them alone,” Shane says, halfheartedly. 

Ilya doesn’t listen and stalks over to the pool table to snatch Young’s phone out of his hand. For all the protests of “Wait, wait, Cap, wait,” he doesn’t actually do much to try and stop it.

“Hazy, you are right!” Ilya calls over his shoulder. “New drinking game! Everyone take a sip when someone mentions a kid, doesn’t even have to be their own.”

Wyatt raises his beer in acknowledgement. His work here is done; his questions have been answered. The same cannot be said for the rest of the team, however.

“That’s what they were doing?”

“C’mon kids, really?”

“We don’t talk about our kids that much, do we?”

“Wait, how long have they been doing this?”

“I think this is disrespectful, actually.”

Ilya shushes them all with a wave of his hand, Young’s phone still in his possession. “Wait, wait! There is more! Apparently, the babies think we are eight million years old.” He holds a dramatic hand to his chest. 

The kids abandon their game entirely. Young tries in earnest to get his phone back from Ilya, who holds it above his head, out of reach. Connor Young is pretty tall, but Ilya Rozanov is a giant. There’s a lot of jumping involved, to no avail.

Hayden laughs and calls, “I thought you had more moves than that, Rozanov!”

“Is much harder than holding something over Ruby’s head,” Ilya calls back, bodily shoving Young off him. “But still effective!”

He and Young wrestle for the phone another thirty seconds. When Young has it back in hand, Ilya mumbles something about letting him win because he’s such a kind and caring captain. Wyatt snorts into his beer.

Shane reaches out a hand and the two are back together, side by side. 

“I am offended. They are telling lies about me!”

Shane knocks their shoulders together and teases, “Should I call Scott Hunter? You can commiserate with him.”

“Hollander! Never say this to me. Scott Hunter is a dinosaur and I will be young forever.”

Holmberg laughs, “Cap, aren’t you like the oldest guy on the team?”

“Hollander has him by a month, right?” Bood asks, grinning like he doesn’t already know.

“Well, Hayden’s older than me!”

Hayden sputters, “I’m thirty-five! That’s not that old.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” LaPointe grins. “Haasy, tell them what year you were born again.”

“Uncalled for,” Dykstra says, pointing his beer at the kids.

“They’re just jealous,” Chouinard declares, “Being married is the best.”

There’s a murmur of agreement and Young groans, thunking his head on the high top. “And you people wonder why none of us can get a date.”

“I have never thought about your dating life once, kid,” Dykstra says.

“That’s bullshit, I know Hazy has a pool going about it.”

Wyatt raises his hands, “I don’t know where you heard that, but whoever told you should remember they swore a vow of secrecy in order to remain in contention.”

“So you admit there is a pool!”

“Dubiously legal betting pool aside,” Shane says. “Why does everyone’s marriages impact your dating lives? Wouldn’t it just make for less competition?”

“You don’t get it,” Young grumbles. Haas pats him on the shoulder in either comfort or condescension.

“Humor me,” says Shane, grabbing Ilya’s beer and taking a sip.

Holmberg sighs, but leans his forearms on the high-top and says, “It’s just, we’re on the married team, you know? Which is like great for you guys but it means all our outings are here or Bood’s backyard and the apps are basically a useless waste of phone storage so…”

Ilya fixes them with a look, “I didn’t realize I had to tell you this, but you know you are allowed to go out without the team, yes?”

LaPointe laughs, “And go where? There’s not a lot to do in fucking Ottawa.”

“Ah,” Ilya nods, completely seriously. “You are looking to be traded to a more exciting city, then.”

“No!” Haas shouts. “We love this team, we love winning Cups, please do not trade us.”

Holmberg nods, “Yeah, no, hockey is great please never make us go to a real team.”

Most of the guys are laughing at this point. Wyatt thinks about his time on Toronto and thanks the hockey gods for the sunshine, rainbows and power of friendship team he gets to be on now. Heavy emphasis on the rainbows.

“Wait,” he says, still finishing his rainbow train of thought as he speaks. “Did you say we’re known as the married team?”

“Uh, yeah?” Young says. “Literally all of you are married. Did you not hear the endless stream of chirps during the game against Chicago last week?”

Shane and Ilya share a look. Choiunard stares into the middle distance like he’s trying to remember the game. Bood catches Wyatt’s eye and laughs. 

“Not everyone is married though,” Pike says, and it’s almost a question. Wyatt remembers that feeling of being new to a team and trying to keep track of more than a dozen personal lives.

Young snorts, “Sorry, forgot to make an exception for the fact that Dillon is engaged and Barrett’s got a long-term boyfriend.”

And that’s, well Wyatt can see their argument there. He’s about to ask his follow-up question when Dykstra beats him to it.

“Sorry, and I mean this in the least homophobic way possible, but are we not the gay team anymore?”

Haas shrugs, “We’re still definitely the gayest team.”

“But also, yeah, most of the younger guys in the league care more to chirp about the marriage thing,” Holmberg finishes.

“Old and married, huh,” Shane says, gently bumping his shoulder against his husband’s. “Worse teams to be on, I guess.”

Ilya glares at him, but it’s a weak attempt and he’s smiling by the end of his sentence, “Do not make me happy to be called old. Scott Hunter is still older than cavemen.”

“Literally no one brought up Scott Hunter.”

“So, anyway,” Young says. “The four of us are going to die alone and it’s all of your faults. The end.”

***

“I can’t get over the married team thing,” Shane says a few days later, leaning against the Pike’s breakfast bar.

“I know they were frustrated but I think it’s a compliment,” Dad says. “They seemed almost jealous?”

“Of course they were jealous,” Ilya says, from his place besides Jade on the other side of the counter. “We are in love and they have sad little dating lives.”

Jade pointedly doesn’t say anything in an attempt to remain invisible while she works on her math homework. It’s a technique that works less and less the older she gets, which is disappointing. Today, though, it seems to be working.

Her uncles are over for dinner (again) and Arthur and Amber have successfully lobbied for chicken and pasta. They’re in the living room with Ruby doing something more fun than math homework, she’s sure. Jade’s stuck in the kitchen so she can “finish her worksheet without any distractions.” It felt like a punishment until all the adults congregated to gossip.

Mom comes back into the room and rejoins the conversation like she didn’t need to leave for five minutes to yell at Amber for her lack of volume control. “Is it still weird for you, Ilya? Being known as a calm and settled married guy?”

“I love being married,” he says.

Mom fixes him with a look. “I’m just saying, I know what it’s like to go from club rat to upstanding member of society. It takes some adjustment.”

There’s a minute of silence as Mom and Ilya have a staring contest. Jade has some follow-up questions she probably needs to wait and ask in ten years.

Ilya breaks first, “Yes, fine, is a little weird. I wouldn’t change it, though.”

“Never said you would.”

“Well, I think it’s fun to be on a team of married guys,” says Dad. “Beats being the only one.”

Shane snorts in agreement. “Lot of things that beat our old team.”

Ilya nods, “Fuck Montreal.”

“Fuck Montreal,” Jade parrots without thinking. Mom’s head whips around. “I mean swear jar! Uncle Ilya, that’s a swear jar!”

Mom tries to yell at her but it’s completely undermined by her dad and both uncles laughing. Besides, Jade knows for a fact Mom has said the same thing a ton since they moved to Ottawa. Amber gets her lack of volume control from her.

Her siblings get called in to help set the table and Jade gets a warning that her math homework needs to be done before she eats. No, this is not child endangerment or a violation of the Geneva Convention. She has two problems left and it will take five minutes, she just needs to focus. Yes, they will wait for her to start eating.

Uncle Shane takes pity on her and leans over her shoulder to give her a few hints while she scribbles her way through the last two problems. She asks how he knows what to do and he shrugs and tells her hockey is fifty percent statistics. It makes sense when he says it, but Dad’s a hockey player, too, and he’s not allowed to help her with math anymore.

Despite begging for chicken hours earlier, Amber declares it’s gross and she’s never eating it again. She’s going through a picky phase and it’s starting to get on Jade’s nerves as much as it is Mom’s.

“Amber, honey,” Mom says. “You can decide to be vegetarian tomorrow, tonight I need you to eat the chicken you asked for.”

Everyone at the table seems to know Amber is winning this round, as she shoves more pasta in her mouth and daintily shoves her chicken to the corner of her plate. It’s nice of Mom to keep up appearances, though.

Ruby kicks her ankle under the table. When Jade looks up, she mouths, “What’d you find out?”

Jade mouths back, “Later. Meeting.” Then, kicks Arthur to tell him the same.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

9:12 pm

Ruby

Everybody shut up

Haas

No one was talking?

Ruby

Jade overheard some information before dinner tonight and we are formulating a Plan

LaPointe

Alright Jade let’s goooooo

Jade

So Dad and Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya were talking about how you are all sad and alone

Holmberg

I’m sorry??????

Jade

Because everyone on the team is married and you’re all single

Is that not right?

Young

Unfortunately it is right

Double unfortunately, I might need to kill your dad

Holmberg

Dude you cannot threaten to murder Pike in front of his kids

Young

He betrayed our trust!

Holmberg

If you think every WAG doesn’t know about Monk’s last week you’re delusional

LaPointe

Are we still using WAG?

Haas

Sometimes Harris uses SAP but I think Cassie hasn’t renamed the group chat

LaPointe

No I just meant that literally none of them actually have a girlfriend

We need something for wives, fiancé’s and boyfriends

Young

WFABs

Ruby

You forgot husband in your acronym

LaPointe

No I didn’t because I’m on Hollzy’s side in the great WAG Debate

Jade

Do we even want to know?

Holmberg

Basically, can a player also be a WAG or a SAP or whatever

Cap says yes, Hollzy says no

The team is split and so Cap hasn’t been allowed into the WAG chat yet

Haas

If literally one person changes their vote…

LaPointe

Haasy no

Haas

He would be so excited he probably wouldn’t make us do bag skates ever again!

Ruby

I think we’re getting off topic

But for the record I think Uncle Ilya should get to be in the group chat

Jade

Ooh I could go steal Mom’s phone and add him probably

LaPointe

No!!!

Let’s get back on topic. I assume there’s a scheme planned that doesn’t involve the WAG chat and me losing fifty bucks to Young?

Young

Let Cap in girls, I believe in you

Ruby

Anyway!!!! Arthur you’re up

Arthur

[image attached: a picture of the chapter heading for chapter twelve in the parenting book. It’s titled “The Dating Conversation”]

This one isn’t even going to involve lying because you are all apparently hopeless according to Dad

Young

Oh no

Holmberg

Kids I love your initiative but we don’t have to do this one

LaPointe

I can’t believe I’ve been insulted by both the oldest and youngest people I know

Haas

This is sweet but very unnecessary

Ruby

So the thing is we didn’t even really do anything. We’re just going to capitalize on what Uncle Ilya is already planning

Jade

Okay we may have done a little persuading that this would be funny and that it’s his role as captain

Arthur

Also Mom thought it was funny

Ruby

So once again, not really our fault and if anything you should be thanking us for the warning!

Young

I think I had a nightmare about this once in high school

LaPointe

Your coworker’s kids giving you dating advice?

Young

No, Ilya Rozanov explaining all the reasons a girl would never go out with me

Haas

I think I’m having a nightmare about this right now

Ruby

You guys are gonna do great!

Jade

Please keep us updated

But not like, that updated

Holmberg

Yeah, no, as far as you kids are concerned boys have cooties

And girls have cooties

Everyone has cooties, okay?

Arthur

Okay

***

“Roz, you fucking traitor! How have you been, man?” Cliff Marlow greets them outside a club in Boston.

Ilya grins, “Marly, we saw you two hours ago. You do not remember the hockey game? You lost badly.”

“Shut the fuck up, man, and let me feel reunited.”

It’s cold, even for Boston at the end of November. In light of the fact that they called him old and married (which he is), Ilya decided in Boston they were going to have mandatory team bonding at some club he and Marlow used to terrorize back when LaPointe was still in middle school.

They make their way in and settle into a booth in VIP. Gabe knows it’s coming because the Pike kids seemed to think this roadie was where the conversations around dating would resurface. He also knows because Ilya’s had a stupid grin on his face every time he’s looked at LaPointe or the other rookies for the past forty-eight hours.

“Okay, welcome to club in a more exciting city than Ottawa!” Ilya says, standing in front of the four of them. “No more excuses, time for you to mingle and get laid.”

“Ilya, you can’t tell them to get laid,” Bood says. “Kids, just fucking relax and have fun. Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

It’s not worth fighting, especially not when this club is about ten times more exciting than Monk’s. They leave Wyatt and Boyle to guard the booth and everyone else disperses through the club.

Gabe gets a beer and tries to relax and enjoy the night. He starts to people watch while the alcohol works its way into his system.

Most of the team are on the edges of the dance floor, sipping drinks and bopping along to the music, all a respectful distance away from any women. It’s funny, he thinks, that they don’t realize how obviously into their wives they all are.

Ilya has pulled Shane onto the dance floor, and they’re pressed tightly together, stupid grins on both their faces. They’re sharing a look LaPointe and Young have taken to calling the “Holy Shit” because that’s what Shane says almost every time he makes that face. It’s usually in relation to getting to do something very normal and coupley, but also he’s seen that face after one of them makes an impressive goal.

Marlow and a couple of Bears players he knows by sight but not name are dotted around the dance floor, most of them with a girl. Young seems to have found himself talking to two girls at least six inches shorter than him. Holmberg is leaning against the wall talking to a girl and what looks like her boyfriend, given the way his arm is possessively slung across her shoulders.

Haas is turning down a girl and making his way over to the bar LaPointe is leaning against. He looks more stressed than Gabe has ever seen him during a hockey game.

“Just say the word and I’ll go kiss a dude or something,” he says to Luca, not turning to look at him.

Luca chokes on his beer. “I’m sorry- you, what? Why? Um-”

“I just mean, if you want there to be some like crazy thing for everyone to talk about in the morning so Cap doesn’t grill you about your night,” he shrugs. “I’d do it. Or, something like that anyway.”

“But you’re not…wait are you?”

“No, no,” he says, before Luca has a panic attack in a Boston nightclub. “But I did a year of college hockey and me and a couple of the guys got drunk and made out just to be sure. I’m not into dudes, but I can survive making out with anyone, so.” 

Luca nods, slowly, and drains the rest of his drink. “Thank you? But you don’t have to do that.”

“No worries, man, the offer stands.”

Luca nods again, then makes some garbled excuse and goes back to the VIP booth to sit next to Wyatt, who won’t (probably) push him to go have fun and be young. LaPointe gets another drink. Talking to girls is hard, but getting drunk and making out with them is probably easier, right?

***

Loud Tall Babies

8:46 am

Cap

Good morning I need proof of life

You did not answer in the team chat so you have three minutes to answer here and be less embarrassed about how hungover you are

If you do not answer I will be forced to come hunt you down

8:48 am

Cap

You have one minute…

Young

Shit shit shit sorry we’re all alive

And yes we had a sleepover, no one went home with anyone from the club

[image attached: selfie taken by Young in a hotel bathroom; Haas is sitting on the counter, leaning against the mirror with his eyes half closed, Holmberg is asleep in the bathtub, LaPointe has his head in the toilet and is giving a thumbs up over his head]

Cap

We leave for plane at 9:15

If you are not in the lobby by then I will make sure Hollander runs all your drills for a month and he will not be nice about it

Young

🫡

***

“Here, hold this,” Cassie Boodram says, dropping Milo into Young’s lap. She takes a sip of her wine and settles in on the couch next to him. “Let’s have a chat.”

Milo, for the record, does not want to be held. He’s squirmy and covered in something sticky and Young isn’t really sure what he’s supposed to do with him.

Cassie laughs, “Okay, before we chat, Milo’s not a bomb. He’s a toddler, just grab him and keep him on your lap.”

“Uh, why?” he asks as Milo starts to reach for his face.

“He just ate his weight in hot dogs and I need him to digest that for, like, ten minutes so he doesn’t throw up on the grass again.” Young nods and she turns her attention to her son, “Sit still and play with Connor’s hat, okay baby?”

“Thank you!” Milo says, ripping the hat off Young’s head by the brim. It hurts a little, but the kid is cute and he’s a little bit scared of Cassie, so he lets it happen and readjusts his grip on the kid.

It’s cold, but the Boodram patio is famously heated. It’s almost full attendance; players, WFABs, kids. Young has absolutely no idea where this is going.

“Okay, so, let’s chat!” Cassie’s all smiles.

“Sure?”

“Zane told me about Boston. Not just you, but all four of you kids. Dating can be rough, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Holy shit, he thinks, is Cassie Boodram about to give him the sex talk?

She keeps going, “So, long story short, Zane told me and then I brought it up to Lisa, when you were in Detroit. Turns out, most of the WAGs already knew. Then I got to thinking, you boys aren’t using all your resources.”

He’s having a stroke, he’s pretty sure. Or, maybe he’s dead and this is hell. “Sorry,” he says, trying not to choke on his spit. “The whole team and their wives are talking about our dating lives?”

She gives him a smile halfway between sympathetic and condescending. “You’ve been on this team long enough to not be surprised by this, Connor. If you don’t want us to talk about it, we won’t! Seriously, say the word right now and I’ll send out a text to the WAGs and to Zane.” She even starts to pull her phone out of her pocket.

“No, that’s okay.”

“You sure?”

Fuck this is embarrassing, “No, I, actually think I’m curious what you mean by resources.” He doesn’t meet her eye, instead he focuses on the kid in his lap. He’d gotten used to kids in a sense, working with the Pikes, but Milo is so much smaller and squirmier and not a quarter as talkative. He’s got Young’s hat on his head now, though, and it’s kind of ridiculously cute enough to get him through this conversation. “I don’t think I’m in a position to turn down free dating advice.”

“I am so glad to hear you say that.”

Cassie’s plan is actually fairly simple. Born and raised in Ottawa, she’s fairly aware of how lackluster a nightlife it has to offer. She’s also aware that meeting someone in a city on the other side of the continent does not make for an easy relationship start. She proposes some light editing to his dating app profiles, if he’s game.

She’s also clear that this plan is not about helping the boys have one-night stands. “I care much less about your sex life than it sounds,” she says at one point. “Eighty percent of this is self-serving so we can add more people to the WAG chat. You want to have hookups? Please leave me out of it. You want a long-term relationship? That’s where we come in.”

Milo wriggles free of his lap about fifteen minutes into the conversation. It’s about the same time that the conversation moves from him and Cassie to the entire party. Cassie’s scrolling through his Hinge profile when Lisa walks over. Then Wyatt follows, and Troy and Harris get pulled in. Next thing he knows, the deck furniture has been rearranged to form a large circle.

“This is so fucking weird,” Pike says, probably still coming to terms with the reality of the power of friendship team dynamics.

“Swear jar!” calls Amber, running behind the chairs to get inside, where most of the kids are watching a movie. Actually, Young does a quick head count, all of the kids barring two: Ruby and Jade are tucked in between WAGs on opposite sides of the circle.

“So, I’ll be frank,” Wyatt says. “Young’s profile is pretty terrible.”

“Um, rude?”

Lisa swats her husband on the arm, “You could say it nicer than that. It’s not a reflection on you, Connor, but you have more to offer than badly lit pictures of your abs and spelling mistakes.”

“Exactly!” Selena Chouinard says, before Holmberg can get out the chirp Young can see on the tip of his tongue. “You have to lead with personality. It lasts much longer than looks ever will.”

“And spelling is important, too,” Caitlin Dykstra says. “Girls love intelligence.”

“Not just girls,” adds Harris.

Young regrets every decision he’s ever made in his life leading up to this moment. This is not what he signed up for when he told Cassie he would take some advice. He glances around the circle: Luca seems to be trying to melt into the all-weather cushions behind him, LaPointe is leaning forward but won’t meet anyone’s eye, and Holmberg’s face is an interesting shade of pink.

“Are you all actually married?” Jade asks from her place between Amanda Boyle and Lisa Hayes, like she doesn’t definitely already know the answer.

Quicker than she is on the ice, Ruby pipes up with a wicked grin, “Yeah! What if you told them how you all met, and then they would know what works?”

Young tries to communicate with just a look that he knows what she’s doing. Ruby smiles blankly back at him and takes a sip of her soda. He considers asking Wyatt what kind of spider needs to bite him to unlock laser eyes.

“I like the way you think Ruby Pike,” Selena says. “Who wants to go first?”

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

5:12 pm

Berg

What is happening right now

Pointy

It’s Young’s fault

Young

It’s Cassie’s fault! She cornered me and hypnotized me with her child

Berg

You couldn’t have said no?

Young

Okay in my defense I did think it would help

She’s nice! Bood loves her! I did not think about how spectacularly this would backfire

But at least they’re so caught up in their stories they’re not watching us on our phones?

Pointy

Wait

Are all of these stories a variation on “we met drunk in a club and fell instantly in love”?

Berg

So far yes

Hazy and Lisa are up next and she’s a doctor so maybe there’s hope

“During residency I was out in Toronto with some people from work”

Pointy

Lisa!! You were our last hope!!

Young

I can’t decide if I’m mad at the Pike girls or not 

Pointy

Dude they were critiquing your dating profile out loud as a group exercise

The twins saved your ass with their questions

Berg

They just did it to try and get Cap and Hollzy to share and give a dating talk

Young

It might work?

Berg

That story is the best kept secret in the league. They’re not just going to share it because someone asked

Young

No but they might let something slip if they were feeling competitive

Berg

Annnnd we are up to four couples with the same meet-cute! This is ridiculous 

Young

Bergy speak your truth

Pointy

I hate to admit it but if we can get the hollanov meet-cute out of this it will be worth the embarrassment of the last two weeks

Berg

Fine

***

So far, they’ve heard from the Boodrams, the Chouinards, the Hayes’, and the Dykstra’s. The concept was sweet, Holmberg could admit. Most of the team wasn’t lying when they talked about the family atmosphere and culture on the Cens. And most of the time that was great.

He could do without the group intervention, but all things considered it could be way worse.

Except it was really starting to feel like Groundhog Day.

He clears his throat when Caitlin finishes her story. It should theoretically go to the Pikes next, but Jackie looks pleased enough to hear him talk instead. “How is this supposed to help us on the apps if you all just meet in a club or a bar or something?”

There’s a round of laughter that dies down as everyone starts to think about it.

“Well, I met Harris at work,” Troy says.

Holmberg leans forward in his seat and nods. “Okay,” he says. “So, we’ve got one at work and then club, club, club, club.” He points to each couple as he says it. He gets to the Pikes and waits, Hayden nods. “Club.”

In his peripheral vision, he sees the Pike girls make eye contact. So it seems they didn’t know that. Neither of them says anything. Smart, he thinks, to save that piece of information for later blackmail against their parents.

He swings his finger towards Shane and Ilya and rolls his eyes, taking a stab in the dark. “Not a club, but an All-Stars game?” No reaction. Shane reaches for his drink on the table in front of him.

Well, no reaction from the hockey husbands. There is, however, a big reaction from one Hayden Pike. He whips his head to the left, “Wait, do they not know?”

“Pike knows!?” call out a minimum of three guys.

Ilya rolls his eyes, “The Pikes know some things, yes.”

“You really haven’t told the team?” Jackie asks.

“Was part of Shane’s plan to keep things professional at the beginning,” Ilya says. “Now it’s just fun.”

Shane’s face betrays nothing and he says, “Current rule in place is that if they can guess correctly we’ll tell them. No one’s been able to do that.”

“Well, what are they guessing?” Jackie asks, a twinkle in her eye. “When you first met or when you started dating?”

“Oh, those would be different dates, huh?” Selena says, propping her chin in her hand.

Hayden’s head whips back and forth, staring at the team. “You guys never set terms? Isn’t this team obsessed with betting on stupid shit?”

“Well for one,” says Dykstra. “This is not stupid shit.”

“Thank you, Dykstra,” says Ilya. “For that you get one song in locker room before the next game.” Dykstra grins and raises his beer. 

Wyatt cuts in, “And for two, I can admit that this is not my best work.” He rubs his hands together and leans forward. “Alright, all previous bids are thrown out. New terms: everyone gets to guess once for…”

“For when they started talking!” Ruby says with an inflection only someone with deep understanding of a middle school hallway could achieve.

“…what the kid said.”

Lisa hums next to her husband, “That’s fair. Most of our stories were about a first hookup, really.”

“Lisa!” Jackie says, jerking her head toward the girls.

“Mom,” says Jade. “We’re twelve. We know what a hookup is.”

Hayden groans and puts his head in his hands. Lisa says her apologies with a grimace and a generous pour of wine in Jackie’s cup. Holmberg is endlessly entertained.

“Okay,” says Wyatt, regaining control of the group. “Hollander and Rozanov’s first hookup, one guess per person, no Pikes allowed, yes? Everyone in?”

Shane and Ilya share a prolonged look. “Okay, but we’ll only confirm for a correct guess,” Shane says.

Young catches Holmberg’s eye and gives him a grin. This is actually working. The attention is off them almost entirely. Haas is still quiet, but some color has come back to his face.

The guessing starts in earnest, everyone talking over each other and spouting off theories. Wyatt dutifully takes notes on his phone, following the conversation with his goalie brain better than any of the rest of them could.

“Okay, so let’s talk All-Stars 2017. That chemistry?”

“No, no, had to be earlier. That kind of chemistry-”

“-doesn’t just come out of nowhere! That’s what I’m saying!”

“Okay, but Rose Landry? Hollzy wouldn’t cheat.”

“Neither would Roz! What do you call all his tabloid hookups?”

“Okay, so Rose Landry was a front and let’s say only half of Roz’s tabloids were true, we’re looking at maybe 2016? 2015?”

“No way, I’m locking in at 2014. Hollander cares way too much about hockey to start a relationship during a Cup Run.”

“And you think he would during an Olympic year?”

“Okay, so then we’re either back to 2017 or we’re in 2013?”

“Well, neither of those options makes sense!”

“You’ve all seen them argue, we know the rivalry wasn't bullshit.”

“Swear jar!”

“Sorry!”

“No, you know what, I’m going with my gut and saying 2013. Competition is their whole thing. Being together is probably what pushed them to their Cups.”

“I’m with him, that’s romantic in a way.”

The debate goes on for nearly thirty minutes. Holmberg throws in an earlier guess, sometime in 2013 before any Cup runs. A few guys pick 2017 All-Stars, either ignoring or in spite of the Rose Landry of it all. Several WAGS guess somewhere during the Montreal back-to-back wins. Harris has the earliest guess: during their first ever All-Stars in 2010.

Wyatt tabulates all the guesses and turns an expectant look at the couple of the hour. Ilya smiles and looks at his husband. Shane cracks a grin and says, “If you want the answer, you’ll have to guess better,” in the exact same tone of voice he uses during practice to tell them their backhands are shit. Holmberg feels his mouth drop open.

There’s a cacophony of “Are you kidding me?” but it falls on deaf ears. Rules are rules, and apparently, not a single person guessed correctly.

“Okay, listen, hold on,” Ilya says, raising his hands. “No, you did not guess correctly. So, no, we will not tell you the answer. But! This is about teaching the babies to fall in love and bring Cassie new WAGs? Yes? So, I will say this. Shane and I have been together for many years, and yes we’re married now, but we spent a lot of time hiding. We didn’t get to meet in a club like everyone else. The important thing is not how we met. The important thing is that we chose each other every time.”

He makes eye contact with all four of them, one after the other. It’s intense and Holmberg has to force himself not to shy away. “You will all find someone. In a bar, on an app, at the fucking grocery store, I don’t know. But once you find them, you choose them. And if you keep choosing them, then maybe you will be half as happy as me and Shane.”

There’s some lighthearted cheering, like he just made a pre-game hype speech. Shane turns and presses a kiss to his mouth. Caitlin and Amanda look like they’re going to cry. 

“Fuck, that was romantic,” Bood says, swiping at his eyes. “I don’t think anything can top that.”

Cassie nods, “Yeah, let’s end on a high note. Kids, we believe in you. Please send all phone numbers for the WAG chat to me.”

The group slowly breaks up after that. Some go in to check on the movie in the den, some to refill a drink or grab a brownie off the dessert table. More than a few turn to discretely wipe away tears. Holmberg is definitely not in that last group, he just coincidentally has something in his eye.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

6:28pm

Young

Well shit

Ruby

Swear jar!

Jade

No he’s right because even I’m crying

LaPointe

Sometimes I forget love is real

And then Cap does something like that and I remember he and Shane freaking Hollander invented love at some point probably during an All-Stars I made my parents watch

Holmberg

Cap is so down bad. It would be embarrassing if it were anyone else

Young

I think we can safely say that Cap gets points for relationship talk, yes?

Ruby

Oh definitely

Jade

He did way better than any attempts by our parents for sure

Ruby

I wish Uncle Shane had said something though, I can’t figure out how else to test his skills

LaPointe

We’ll figure something out

Holmberg

For sure

On another note, does anyone know where Haasy went?

***

Luca isn’t completely sure, but he thinks he’s having a panic attack. It’s either that or a heart attack and, as a pro athlete barely in his twenties, that seems unlikely. 

In the shuffle of bodies and furniture after Ilya’s little speech, Luca had slipped away into the house. He just needed a moment to breathe. He found a quiet spot on the stairs, about halfway up. It’s not exactly hiding, but it’s out of the way of the flow of the party.

It’s stupid, he thinks, to be this worked up over something he knows this team would be more than fine with. It’s not even a secret, really. LaPointe definitely knows, and he’s pretty sure that means Young and Holmberg do too. Everyone’s always so careful to exclude pronouns and keep things vague when they include him in conversations. They have to know. Right?

It’s just that he’s never actually told anyone outside his family he’s gay. And he’s not ashamed of it or anything, but he can’t for some reason get the words out the few times he’s tried to say something.

And normally it’s fine! Normally, it barely comes up. Normally, the team isn’t staging some insane, full-participation intervention into the love lives of him and his friends.

He’s going to get over it, he swears. He just needs another minute on this dim staircase to think and breathe and twist one of Milo’s crayons (they’re everywhere, truly, all over the house) between his fingers.

Luca’s so locked in his head he doesn’t register Shane approaching, notices only when Shane settles himself two stairs down. Luca can’t bring himself to look up and meet his eyes.

They sit in silence for almost a full minute before Shane says, “So, I’m going to say something, okay? You don’t have to answer or anything. If you want to pretend this never happened, I’m cool with that. I just - I think it’ll be good for both of us.”

Luca still doesn’t meet his eyes, but he does nod his head just a little.

Shane continues, “I know that was a lot out there. I know how it can feel to be sitting in the middle of a conversation like that. Everyone has good intentions and it’s funny until it hits a nerve and suddenly you feel like everyone can see right through you, yeah? And I don’t…I’m not assuming anything here, really, I’m not. I just want to say that even with a guaranteed support system it can be scary to share parts of yourself. And I hope you never feel pressured to share anything you’re not ready for, but in case you need the outside assurance: this team loves you, Luca. Everyone here is on your side.”

Luca looks up, finally, to find Shane isn’t even looking at him directly. But he does meet his eyes when he senses Luca looking at him. Luca smiles, feeling incredibly shy. He opens his mouth to say…something, he’s not even sure what, when a pair of footsteps comes skittering around the corner from the kitchen.

Arthur stops short at the bottom of the stairs, breathing hard. “Uncle Shane! Uncle Ilya is looking for you and said whoever finds you gets a prize, so you gotta come with me so I can win!”

Shane chuckles, “That’s my cue. Luca, I meant what I said, I’ll forget this ever happened. But if you ever want to talk or need advice or anything, I’m all ears, okay?”

Luca swallows against the lump in his throat, “Okay, yes. Thank you.”

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

6:42pm

Haas

Shane passes the relationship advice test.

Young

Well that answers Bergy’s question

Ruby

What kind of advice did he give? Was it good? Where were you?

Haas

He gave me good advice, that’s all. He found me inside. I needed a minute after the whole group discussion thing

Jade

Okay yay! We can get Arthur to update the official list tonight when we get home

Holmberg

I knew Hollzy had it in him

LaPointe

Mission success guys, go team

Although next time maybe we involve less of everyone?

Haas

I second that

Young

I don’t know, if Cassie’s advice gets me a date I might need to run all my decisions by the WFABs

Chapter End Notes

not a ton of Pike kids in this one, but there's a time and a place for kids when we talk dating/relationships. also, eight main characters is a hard balance, I simply cannot give them all equal screen time every chapter.

welcome to the WFABs - with your help this can be the new acronym across fics everywhere

about the timeline reveal tease - I know. I love a good timeline reveal as much as anyone but I needed Ilya's speech to springboard off of something and "this piece of information is not as important as the rest of it" was a good place for it. plus, we leave the door open on that, so who's to say the team won't find that out later?

also, I learned how to add links to notes so, come find me on tumblr and say hi!💜

Chapter 8: Amber Makes Apology Soup

Chapter Summary

Russians don't get sick, famously.

Chapter Notes

Happy Pride Month!! Have a chapter🌈

The Centaurs are four days into a ten-day road trip. The Pike routine when the team is on the road looks a lot different than it does when Hayden is home. The twins had hockey practice after school. Which means Arthur and Amber ate dinner early, finished their homework and tagged along for pickup. These days, it’s a fifty-fifty shot of twin telepathy or nuclear meltdown. Today it was the latter. The car ride home was a nightmare.

They’ve been home for an hour now. The girls showered and ate dinner and were made to sit at the kitchen table until all their homework was finished. They’re fighting about hockey or Mira or math homework or something again. Arthur can’t keep up. Mom is in the kitchen with them, playing referee.

He’s glad, at least, that there’s no hockey game. If there was a game, Mom would have it playing on the TV in the living room and Amber would have to be down there watching it with her. She’s going through a superstitious phase; and it doesn’t help that the away games that end after she goes to bed have ended in losses lately. Dad called her his “lucky charm” one time and now it’s become a whole thing.

Since there’s no game, and since the twins are fighting, probably, Amber is upstairs in her room with Arthur. He would never admit it to her, but he’s glad for the company.

Amber’s on the floor, in the middle of a lego build that he is under no circumstances allowed to touch. That’s fine by him. He’s curled himself into the beanbag chair with the parenting book on his lap.

He hasn’t been reading the chapters in order, really, even though that’s his preferred way of doing most things. (Which is to say, by the rules.) But, he’s working on “being flexible even when it’s uncomfortable” so, he reads the chapters as the situations arise.

This chapter is about halfway through the book and probably useless, all things considered. He has to ask Luca to explain what every fifth word means (they’ve moved this out of the group chat for everyone’s sanity) and he’s still not sure he fully understands it.

After a particularly frustrating sentence, he must let out a groan, because Amber picks up her head and says, “Are you okay?”

“This chapter is hard,” he says, scanning the same paragraph again. “And it’s probably useless, anyway.”

“Then why are you still reading it? Just go to the next one.”

He shakes his head, “I don’t know the difference between a virus and a bacterial infection yet.”

Amber shrugs and goes back to her build. Arthur appreciates that about her. She has her little sister moments, but most of the time they manage to understand each other. He grabs his tablet off the floor and texts Luca another follow-up question. He re-reads a paragraph. This chapter is going to make sense to him if it’s the last thing he does.

“I wish there was some way we could get Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya to babysit while we’re sick. They probably need the practice,” he says, mostly to himself.

Amber makes a face, “If I’m sick I don’t want Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya here. I want Mom and Dad.”

“Right,” Arthur says. “But if they have a kid and that kid gets sick they won’t have any practice.”

“Maybe their kid won’t get sick? I mean, Uncle Shane says he never gets sick.”

Arthur frowns. Uncle Shane says that a lot, actually. And they’ve never seen him be sick. But the book on his lap is fairly insistent that all kids get sick eventually and it’s best to be prepared.

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Arthur says. “Even if we pretend to be sick, Mom and Dad wouldn’t leave us with Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya. And the rookies have to play hockey, they can’t fake being sick for this plan.”

“So, why are you still reading that chapter, then?” She doesn’t look up as she asks, just clicks two red bricks together and starts hunting for her next piece in the pile on the carpet.

“Stopping now is like giving up,” he says.

There’s a muffled yell from downstairs that’s probably Jade. Then the thud of footsteps coming up the stairs that are Ruby, based on the door slammed. Amber looks up and rolls her eyes. 

A few minutes later they hear Mom’s footsteps coming up the stairs. Arthur marks his page and closes the book, passing it to Amber who slides it under the bed without dropping the green brick in her left hand. Arthur grabs his tablet as Mom pokes her head in the door.

“Time to brush teeth and get in bed. Dad’s calling in ten minutes and I’ll bring him in to say goodnight only after you’re under the covers.”

Amber huffs at the interruption to her building process, but Arthur’s feeling charitable so he tells her he’ll brush his teeth first so she can have two more minutes to build. He grabs the book from under the bed and smuggles it across the hall while Mom calls Jade to come upstairs. 

He’s got a message from Luca he wants to check before he has to plug in his tablet and go to bed. He’s determined to win the fight with this chapter.

***

Human Dictionary

8:20pm

Arthur

What’s a virus?

Luca

It’s a kind of illness

Arthur

Okay and what’s a bacterial infection?

Luca

It’s also a kind of illness

Arthur

But they’re different?

Luca

Yes

Arthur

What’s the difference?

Luca

That’s a good question.

Hold on.

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

8:26pm

Haasy

Do any of you know the difference between a virus and a bacterial infection?

Young

I’m not even going to try because I will embarrass myself

Pointy

Like yes but I couldn’t explain it

Berg

I think only one of them gets antibiotics?

Pointy

Unless we have a game and then Terry hooks you up with the good stuff

Young

Wait Haasy are you sick?

Berg

Dude please don’t be sick because we’re all going to get whatever you have and I don’t want to be sick

Haasy

I’m not sick

Hold on

Pointy

Well that is fucking ominous

***

Human Dictionary

8:31pm

Arthur

Also what’s rectal mean?

Luca

Um

What’s the full sentence?

Arthur

“If your child is especially sick, a rectal thermometer is going to be most accurate.”

Luca

Okay

Hold on

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

8:34pm

Haasy

Help

[image attached: screenshot of Arthur’s questions in his private chat with Luca]

Berg

Oh my god😂

Young

Well that explains a lot

Haasy

Okay so what do I tell him?

Pointy

Idk about the virus thing but rectal is an easy one

Haasy

I can’t actually tell him what that means

Berg

Why not?

Haasy

He’s a kid!

Young

All I know is any adult who told me what the word rectal means when I was the kid’s age would have been my hero

Pointy

Haasy you absolutely can and should tell the kid what it means

Berg

Just be like, very mature about it

Haasy

Okay but for the record I’ve never been this stressed out in my life

***

Human Dictionary

8:37pm

Luca

Okay so first. Do you know what a thermometer is?

Arthur

It’s the thing that takes your temperature

I know what that part means I just don’t know rectal

Luca

Right okay. So you know how some thermometers go in your mouth or under your arm?

Arthur

Yeah and the school nurse has one that lasers our forehead

Luca

Yes that too. So rectal is a different kind and it takes your temperature from a different place

Arthur

From where?

Luca

I don’t know that I should tell you

Arthur

Why? Because I’m a kid?

Luca

Yes actually

Arthur

But what if it’s important to the mission!

Luca

It probably won’t be.

Arthur

But what if it is? You should tell me anyway

Plus I’m basically a grown up because everyone calls me an old soul

Luca

Fine, but you have to promise to be mature about it

Arthur

I promise

Luca

Rectal means it goes up your butt

Arthur

UP YOUR BUTT?!?!

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

8:44pm

Haasy

[image attached: screenshots of Arthur and Luca’s conversation]

Young

This is the best thing you’ve ever done Haasy

Berg

Terrified what kind of plan the kid is cooking up based on this

Pointy

Never change little dude, reaction of all time

Haasy

I hated every minute of that

***

“Before you all head out for the day,” Coach Wiebe calls them to attention. “Terry has a quick announcement to make.”

Terry, Ottawa Centaurs Team Doctor, tries to make group announcements as infrequently as possible. He has no problem putting a six-foot, two-hundred-pound grown man in his place if he defies treatment orders. He’s happy to explain injuries and treatment plans at the patient bedside until he’s blue in the face. 

He gets a little squirmy talking in front of a large crowd. Sue him.

Every set of eyes on the team turn to face him. Terry takes a fortifying breath and begins his flu-season spiel. It’s nothing special, really, he’s been giving it every year he’s worked for the team. Some years, he focuses more on vaccines, or wearing a mask. Other years he’s really had to hone in on the dangers of exchanging fluids with strangers who might be contagious. This year, with this team, he’s spending a little more time on please don’t get sick with whatever your kids bring home from school. It’s earning him an equal mix of nods and eye rolls.

He finishes with, “And for the love of god, please come see me the second you start feeling sick. If you try and tough it out, you’ll make it worse in the long run.”

The team murmur something resembling a promise and Wiebe releases them to the locker room. Terry takes his leave to go back down the hall to his office and exam room suite, making a mental note to pre-order a bunch of Tamiflu. 

***

Amber has a plan.

She hasn’t exactly run her plan by anyone at all, but she thinks it’s a good one. Her siblings never let her make the plan, they just use her as a spy. This is mostly fine, because Amber loves to sneak around and spy and talk her way out of trouble. It’s also fine because now that she has a plan, she’s realized how much work goes into one. She’s going to see this one through and then let everyone else do the heavy lifting from here on out. (This is a lie; Amber loves to be in charge of things.)

Arthur put the idea in her head, a few nights ago. He was working his way through his parenting book and kept talking about how the whole chapter was useless. If Amber was in charge of research, she wouldn’t read the chapters that are useless. (There are several reasons she’s not in charge of research, chief among them is this.) But since Arthur went to all the trouble of reading the chapter, she’s determined to make it worth his while.

As for the secrecy, well, she’s not in the group chat. She doesn’t particularly want to be, and it would create some major avenues to get caught, but it’ll work just fine for an excuse when her siblings and the rookies find her out.

She’s so focused on planning the finer details of her plan in her mind, she misses the fact that Ms. Hamilton has been calling her name for the last few minutes.

“Amber Pike,” she says, standing at the front of the classroom. “Are you with us?”

Amber nods, “Sorry, I was just thinking really hard about something.”

Ms. Hamilton sighs and they move on. She breaks them for stations, and that’s when Callie slides up next to her and asks what she was thinking about.

“My brother and sisters need my help with a plan. We have to help my uncles.”

Callie nods seriously, then says in a whisper, “Is it like a secret spy plan? Can I help?”

There is a reason Callie is her best friend at school. They work on their station work while Amber decides how much help she needs from Callie. She can’t let her in on the plan entirely, because some things do need to stay top secret, but Callie is a good secret-keeper.

Amber tells her the bare minimum and enlists her help as a lookout over the next week. It’s more than a little bit disgusting, but Amber is proud of how well the timing is working out. Nine kids are out of school with the flu, and they seem to be dropping like flies. Ms. Hamilton explained that phrase to them while she was wiping down every desk for the third time before lunch. It got her thinking about Arthur’s parenting book chapter.

All Amber has to do is make sure she’s lucky number ten.

She’s never had to fake being sick, because she mostly enjoys school. She knows Ruby and Jade have, though. Faking it did cross her mind early in the week, but for the plan to work she actually needs to have the flu.

With Callie watching her back, Amber follows her classmates around and dares them to lick their palms and shake her hand, share drinks with her at lunch, and stands close when they cough and sneeze. In one desperate attempt, Amber rubs her face on Zach’s desk when he gets up to use the bathroom.

Friday morning, Amber comes in to school with a tickle in her throat. She grins at Callie during Morning Meeting and whispers, “I think we did it.”

***

Jackie gets a call from the school at 1:12 asking if she could please come and get Amber from the Nurse’s office. She’s complaining of a sore throat and headache and she’s running a slight fever.

Jackie stops at the store on her way to the school and stocks up on ice pops, tissues, garbage bags, and sanitizing wipes.

***

The plan was a success, and despite the aching in her body and the miserable hot sensation of a fever that hasn’t yet broken, Amber is pretty proud of herself. She sucks on a grape ice-pop and thanks the hockey gods she timed this right.

“Daddyyyyyy,” she calls out when she hears the door open. It’s too early for any of her siblings to be home from school and practice. There’s a chance it’s a neighbor running some missing ingredient for dinner over, but she doubts it.

Plus, she’s sick and hurting and she really really wants it to be her dad.

“Hey Amber-bear,” Hayden calls, stepping into the living room. He leans over the back of the couch and drops a kiss on her forehead. “Mom said you got sick at school.”

Amber nods, “Ms. Hamilton said we’re all flies and that’s why we’re all getting sick.”

He laughs and sits down next to her. She snuggles into his side and immediately starts to feel better. “How many kids in your class are out sick?”

“Ten,” Amber says, catching a drip from her ice pop with her tongue. “Maybe eleven if Callie got sick after I left. She’s been helping me all week.”

“Helping you?”

Amber freezes. The fever is making it harder to remember what secrets she’s keeping. She tries to figure out how she can talk her way out of it but she can’t think past the headache.

Luckily, Jackie walks in from the kitchen and plops down on her other side. “How’s patient zero looking?” She asks, putting the back of her hand on Amber’s forehead and easing the mostly melted ice pop from her hands.

This is enough to distract Hayden from his line of questioning. Amber sits happily between both her parents while they discuss her fever over her head. She knows she should stay awake and pay attention but the medicine she took when she got home starts to kick in and her eyelids feel heavier and heavier.

She’s nearly all the way asleep when Hayden tries to get up to run the after school car route. Amber protests as best she can, clinging to him and moaning that she wants him to stay with her.

It works, and she feels her mom drop a kiss on her forehead and hears her say, “I got it babe, you keep an eye on her.”

Amber snuggles in to let herself fall asleep for real and thinks she’s managed to keep everything right on schedule.

***

Hayden is at home for a few nights before the team leaves for another road trip. The recent string of away games has Ruby feeling like she’s the child of a real mom and a robot dad. That joke didn’t land at dinner, but whatever, she thinks it’s funny.

Amber didn’t join them at the table on account of her having the flu. Ruby, Jade and Arthur were a united front of the crusade of eating in the living room in order to include Amber. They did not win, but Ruby maintains they should have.

The after-dinner routine of the house is well underway by the time Ruby actually makes it into the living room to check on her little sister. Amber is under two blankets and watching Encanto on the TV with glassy, half-open eyes.

Ruby plops herself down on the other end of the couch and says, “How’s it going?”

She doesn’t really expect a response, or even an acknowledgment of her presence. Any minute now and Jackie will probably come in to scoop Amber up and take her to bed. Amber surprises her by pushing up on her arms a little and whispering on a sore throat, “I have a secret.”

“Oh, really?” Ruby shuffles forward on her knees. Distantly she hears the shower upstairs click off and the dishwasher door close shut. 

Amber nods and her eyes track back to the TV. Mirabel twirls onscreen. Ruby pokes her foot with one finger. Amber coughs and whines, “I want Daddy.” Ruby sighs and gets up to go find her dad in the kitchen.

Later that night, Ruby crosses the hall to climb into Jade’s bed. Her hair is wet from her shower and with everyone else in bed for the night the house is dark and quiet. Jade’s half-asleep but scoots under the covers to make room for Ruby. 

With the covers pulled up over their heads Ruby says, “Amber told me she has a secret.”

“She’s always got a secret,” Jade says.

“Yeah, but I got a feeling this is a big one.”

Jade shuffles down on the pillow. “She probably overheard something Mom and Dad were saying before we got home from school.”

“Do you think it’s baby related?” Ruby asks.

“Maybe. She’s a good little spy.”

Ruby’s unsatisfied with the conversation. She wants Jade to theorize and gossip with her because something about the way Amber sounded is pinging something in Ruby’s sixth sense. But it’s late and they have school in the morning, so instead of pushing for more, Ruby settles in and falls asleep next to Jade like they’re little again.

Jackie finds them like that the next morning when she comes to wake them up. She snaps a quick picture on her phone and then places a grocery order for more sanitizing wipes.

***

Hayden probably shouldn’t have come to practice this morning. He knows that. He and Jackie woke up with Amber in their bed getting her flu germs all over the pillows. If it were an optional practice he might have skipped, but it wasn’t and they leave for another road trip soon so practice is an unfortunate necessity. 

He doesn’t go to see Terry even though he knows he probably should. He does mention it to Chouinard, who’s next to him on the bike.

“Oh shit, really?” Chouinard says. “I know something was going around the schools but so far all three of mine are in the clear.”

“You say that now,” Hayden laughs, which turns into a cough. And shit, he thinks, Jackie was right to think something was coming for them.

Over the course of the morning he learns: Milo Boodram hasn’t been to preschool all week with a fever he can’t quite shake, the Boyle kids are at school but Amanda is dosing them with Tylenol right before drop-off, Susie Dysktra’s nanny called out sick late last night so Caitlin and Evan had to scramble for childcare today, and that Nick should really knock on wood because Aiden is in Arthur’s class at school.

Across the room, Wyatt is leading the kids in some of his insane goalie stretches, for some reason. For fun, probably, Hayden thinks, though the concept still feels alien. Six months on this team is not enough to shake the decade and a half in Montreal. He can’t hear their conversation, but Luca is squinting at him so some conversation must be carrying across the room.

Hayden shakes his head and grabs another sip of water for his throat. One day those kids will have kids and then they’ll be glad for all the prep being on the married team gave them.

They end practice with a rousing speech from Ilya about how they are going to “crush the Western Conference’s dreams” when they leave for their road trip the day after tomorrow. Hayden has a sneaking suspicion that he might not make it to the trip, if his head and his throat are any indication. He’s not the only one coughing either.

On the way out to the car he sees a text from Jackie. Ruby is running a fever and needs to be picked up from school.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

2:48pm

Ruby

So Amber went rouge

Everyone prepare for catastrophe

Jade

Oh my god you’re so dramatic

Ruby

My whole body hurts! Let me have this

Holmberg

Hey girls

What’s going on in the Pike house?

Jade

Amber went and made sure she got the flu on purpose at school🙄

Now Dad and Ruby are down for the count and Arthur is taking a nap on the couch so I’m sure he’s next

Young

Did you say on purpose? Why on earth would she do that?

Jade

She’s a little delirious but she was insisting this was something to do with helping Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya but I haven’t put all the pieces together yet

LaPointe

Yeah I can’t even begin to guess what’s happening with that

Haas

I might have an idea, actually

Ruby

Wait really?

Haas

I think your brother was reading a chapter on illnesses in his book sometime last week. He was asking me about a bunch of medical terms

LaPointe

Oh how could we forget the medical terms! Arthur Pike the legend you are

Jade

How does Amber getting sick help anything? It’s not like Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are going to come over and take care of her. All she did was get the rest of us sick.

Ruby

We’re going to have to interrogate her when she wakes up again

Young

Alright keep us posted

3:56pm

Arthur

Hi I figured it out

Holmberg

Little dude! How are you feeling?

Arthur

Bad I have the flu

Holmberg

Yeah that tracks

Haas

What did you figure out?

Arthur

Amber’s plan

She got herself sick so she would get Dad sick and he would get the whole team sick and then Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya would either have to help the team while sick or get sick themselves. Then either way they would get practice in about sickness and my research wouldn’t go to waste.

Young

You know in a weird way that’s kind of sweet

LaPointe

She’s doing biological warfare and you think it’s sweet?

Ruby

Her plan has taken out our entire house it’s not cute and it’s not sweet

Jade

It is however, an opportunity

Holmberg

Are you serious?

Jade

It’s not like we’re going to have this chance again! We shouldn’t waste it

Haas

But none of us are sick? 

Holmberg

Shit boys wait check the full team chat. We’re like the last ones standing

Young

Oh no

Do we even have enough guys left to play a game?

Jade

I’m just saying if you DO get sick on your next road trip…

LaPointe

Jade Pike you take that back right now

Jade

I’m sick you can’t be mean to me

LaPointe

You can’t jinx us like that!

Arthur

I can send you all of my notes later so you’re prepared

Young

Okay so it’s a big maybe, but the notes wouldn’t hurt anyway if you can send them little dude

Holmberg

Most importantly: don’t do so much scheming while you all have the flu. Just get better

Jade

Thank you :)

Ruby

Okay but if you guys do any scheming you have to keep us in the loop

Young

Once again we will only maybe be doing any scheming

6:02pm

Arthur

[image attached: messy notes on handling a sick kid and being sick as a parent. His handwriting is much messier than normal, due to the flu of it all.]

Young

Nice work, little dude👍

***

In the end, half the guys stay home instead of traveling with the team on the road trip. So many of them have kids and the flu is particularly contagious this year, whipping its way through every school and daycare in the city. So, probably, this would have happened without Amber’s biological warfare plan. Probably.

Four games. Four games on the road over about a week and a half with half the team down and out for the count.

Holmberg pokes his head up from the back of the plane and takes stock of who’s left. Shane and Ilya are sitting together across the aisle from Coach Wiebe. Troy’s asleep with his head against the window. Dillon has a movie playing on his tablet. Wyatt is talking with Turner and Abbott.

If it weren’t for the call-ups joining them this trip they wouldn’t even have enough players for three different shifts accounting for offense and defense. As it is, Gaines is among those home sick, so Wyatt doesn’t have the safety net of a decent backup.

It’s fine, they’re going to be fine. Players get sick all the time.

“We’re going to die,” Young says, slouching down in his seat.

“Shut the fuck up,” LaPointe says, smacking him.

The only good thing to come out of FluMaggedon (they’re workshopping the name) is the prime choice of seating on the plane. Typically the seats at the little tables are taken by older players or guys who want to play cards on flights. Rookies sit in the standard seats. With so many of the older guys out, the four of them managed to snag a table.

“We’re not going to die,” Holmberg says. “It’s the Western Conference.”

“We’re missing half the team.”

“We still have Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov, who, if anything, are going to get more competitive about playing like this. We’re going to be fine.” 

Luca leans forward on the table. “Max, do you realize this trip you’re probably going to play on Shane’s line?”

“No?” That thought shakes Holmberg a little. It’s not that he hasn’t played on that line before, but not usually outside of preseason when they try anything and everything they can for the hell of it. “Why would they swap me there?”

Luca shrugs and starts a rambling explanation about the power play and the current gaps in their (admittedly, extremely generational) lineups that can’t be filled by throwing call-ups in without warning. Holmberg’s slight panic must show on his face because Young starts to laugh.

Luca whips his head over and says, “We’re missing Dykstra and Chouinard right now. You two idiots are going to be our starting defensive pair.” He gestures towards Young and LaPointe.

Young holds his hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay, I restate my earlier point: we’re going to die. No need to rub in the fact that you play on Hollzy’s line regularly and aren’t scared of him anymore.”

LaPointe snorts, “Please, he’s still scared of him.”

“No I’m not!”

“Dude, yes you are. We all are.”

Holmberg rolls his eyes, “Shut the fuck up, Gabe.”

“I’m serious! Maybe not in a like he’s going to yell at you way, but try and tell me you’re never on the ice with him at like, practice, and he does some drill like it’s nothing and you don’t go holy shit that’s Shane fucking Hollander.”

“That’s not fear,” Luca protests. “That’s…a healthy respect of my elders.”

They’re so caught up in their argument that no one notices they have company until Shane himself cuts in, “If you’re going to be scared of anyone, Ilya’s your better bet. He’s the one with the power to make practice miserable.”

Luca, the only one of them who didn’t jump in his seat, raises an eyebrow and says, “Sure, but his corrections are much nicer than yours.”

Shane shrugs, “Your backhand is much tighter these days.”

“Disappointment is a powerful motivator.” 

Shane cracks a grin and heads back to his seat. Over the roar of the engines they hear him say, “What the fuck are you doing, Rozanov? That one’s mine!” before he sits back down.

Holmberg slow claps. “Luca motherfucking Haas.”

Luca’s ears are bright red. He folds his arms over his chest and says, “Told you I wasn’t scared. Now, we should talk a plan of attack for Vancouver if everyone is playing on different lines.”

***

They eke out a win against Vancouver. The adrenaline high of the call-ups playing with Hollander and Rozanov for the first time probably accounts for most of their luck. Ilya tried to convince them during the second break that they should start coughing on the other team to “weaken them like we have been weakened.” Shane, wearing the A this trip in Bood’s absence, told him to shut the fuck up and redirected the conversation to passing lanes.

LaPointe and Young are sharing a room, and both collapse heavily into their beds after the game. The team is under strict orders to “stay in and go the fuck to sleep.” They’re getting more ice time than usual, and Young feels it. Being hungover on top of being sore is unthinkable. Going out was never even in question.

“Holy fuck,” LaPointe groans. He’s laying diagonally across the bed with an arm thrown over his eyes. “I thought I was in shape but everything hurts like we just did a seven game series.”

Young throws a pillow at him. “Okay, drama queen. It’s not that bad.”

He gets the pillow back in his face for that. LaPointe groans and goes to the bathroom while Young pulls his tablet out of his bag and searches for something to watch. Some guys, LaPointe among them, can crash right after a game. Connor’s always found that he needs to mentally unwind a little or he has weird dreams.

Within ten minutes the room is dark and the only sound is coming through Young’s headphones. The first X-Squad movie actually holds up in a way the sequels don’t. Someone who knows movies better than him probably would say something about the nostalgia of a first movie and the commercialization of sequels and reboots. All Young knows is it’s the only movie where Rose Landry gets kidnapped and it doesn’t feel like an inside joke with the audience.

Right as she’s about to get rescued in the final act of the movie, LaPointe tosses in the bed next to him. He’s making low noises in the back of his throat. Technically speaking, the Centaurs are on a roommate rotation. It’s controlled, though, which means Young and LaPointe room together like half the time. You get to know a guy’s sleep habits.

Tossing and turning? Groaning? Not the habits of one Gabriel LaPointe, famously a man who can fall asleep in an instant and sleeps so heavily he has to be shaken awake most mornings on the road.

Young shines his phone flashlight over. He’s just far enough away that it does basically nothing, so he sighs and flicks the bedside light on.

Gabe’s face is red and his hair, which had been mostly dry from his shower at the rink, is wet and sticking to his forehead. 

Young realizes, with horror, that he is staring down the barrel of FluMaggedon and is completely unsure of what to do. 

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

1:18 am

Young

Shit I think Gabe has the flu

Either that or he’s dying

Berg

Wait seriously? Because Luca also looks like shit right now

Haasy

🖕

I’m fine

Berg

Respectfully dude you can’t even sit up without swaying

Young

Gabe’s asleep should I wake him up?

Berg

No just put your hand on his face

Young

Why the fuck would I do that?

Berg

To check if he has a fever dumbass

Young

But his face is where all the flu is coming out of!

Berg

Wash your hand after?

Luca definitely has a fever for the record

Hassy

For the record I am fine

Berg

Literally no you are not

Connor did you check Gabe’s face?

Young

Uh yeah that man is boiling alive

Also he smacked me

Not like hard and he didn’t even wake up but I’m still offended

Berg

Okay okay okay

So we’ve got two of us with the flu and two hopefully who are fine

Luca shut the fuck up you are counted as having the flu don’t say three who are fine

Haasy

😡

Young

Should I switch rooms with Luca? Then maybe we don’t all go down before the end of this roadie?

Berg

But what if they get worse? And then they can’t help each other? We probably can’t leave them alone

Young

I cannot believe I’m about to say it but I can hear the Pike girls in my head right now

And they’re telling me we go wake up Cap and Hollzy

Berg

They ARE like the oldest guys on this trip. And all the dads are home

Young

And it’s like two captains for the price of one

Berg

Okay but we’re doing this so Gabe and Luca don’t die and not because the Pike kids engineered FluMaggedon for this express purpose

***

“Someone better be dying if you are waking us up at this hour,” Ilya says as he cracks open the door to his and Shane’s hotel room.

Holmberg nods quickly. “Yeah, uh, Gabe and Luca might be. Dying, that is.”

“We didn’t know what else to do,” says Young.

Ilya’s eyes widen and he tells them to stay put before closing the door, leaving Young and Holmberg standing in a hotel hallway in the middle of the night.

Holmberg kicks Young in the ankle, “Gross, dude, you don’t even have socks on? Just your raw dogs on the carpet?”

“Fuck off,” Young says, but there’s no heat in it.

The door reopens to reveal a now fully dressed Ilya Rozanov and a half-asleep Shane Hollander. They’re both in sweats that Holmberg would swear up and down the other was wearing when they left the arena earlier in the evening. However, given the dire circumstances, he can’t spend even a passing thought on it. Just registers it and moves on.

Shane scrubs a hand down his face. “Who’s dying?”

“Gabe and Luca,” Holmberg says. “They look like, really fucked up. All sweaty and pale and Luca couldn’t even sit up. Gabe’s still asleep but I doubt he’d be able to sit up if he were awake.”

“It’s FluMaggedon,” Young says. “It followed us on the road.”

They traipse down a floor to where the kids are staying for the night. They check on LaPointe first, careful to keep the lights off and move quietly so as not to wake him. Ilya presses the back of his hand to his forehead and declares he definitely has a fever.

Next door, Luca is trying his best to appear upright and awake. It’s failing miserably.

“Really, really,” he says, words slurring slightly. “I’m fine, I probably just ate something bad or-”

Ilya steadies his swaying with a hand on his shoulder and checks his forehead too. “You have a fever,” he declares. “Sleep. You’re not in trouble but we do need you to play hockey so you need to rest.”

It’s enough to get him to shuffle down on the bed and close his eyes. Way more effective than telling him to shut the fuck up had been, Holmberg thinks.

Shane and Ilya are having one of their freaky telepathic-married-couple conversations. Holmberg’s relatively sure all the married guys on the team have some version of it with their spouses, but there’s something about watching Shane and Ilya do it that always sends a chill down his spine.

Shane sighs. “Okay. Connor, Max, you guys go up and crash in our hotel room for the night. Ilya and I can stay down here to keep and eye on Luca and Gabe.” He starts patting his pockets.

Ilya stops him and produces a room key from his hoodie. He holds it out to Young and says, “Bed is slept in but clean.”

“Cap, we can’t take your room!” Young says.

“Yes, you can. I am Captain so I make rules. Go and get a decent night’s sleep. We need you both healthy for rest of the road trip.”

Holmberg looks between him and Hollander. “Okay but it’s a way bigger deal if one of you gets sick, though. And you will, probably, if you stay here all night.”

Ilya shrugs and Shane says, “We’ll be fine. I have a good immune system and Ilya’s Russian.”

“Russians do not get sick, yes. Now, go. We will put cold towels on them and give them Gatorade and break fevers and not get sick and you two will have decent sleep so we don’t get completely destroyed by Seattle.”

It’s late enough that it’s easiest to just agree. Holmberg grabs a hoodie from his bag and throws an extra pair of socks at Young’s head. “Put those on or you’re not sleeping in a bed with me.”

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

9:18 am

LaPointe

Jade Pike you and I are fighting now

Jade

What did I do!?

LaPointe

[image attached: screenshot of Jade’s text from days ago encouraging everyone to take advantage of being sick for parenting lessons]

You jinxed us with your plan! Haasy and I have the flu and it’s all your fault

Jade

Ohhh is that why you guys lost the rest of your games after Vancouver?

Dad said something but we didn’t really watch most of them

Young

Pike is home sick and he isn’t even turning on the games he’s missing???

Ruby

To be fair, Amber’s kind of a movie tyrant when she’s sick

Arthur

Amber’s been better for days though

I think Dad was the one who wanted to watch Coco

Young 

Okay well that’s a classic. I’ll allow it

Ruby

Wait so if you got sick does that mean you did The Plan?

Holmberg

Technically yes

Jade

Technically?

Holmberg

We didn’t do it because of the plan but Gabe and Luca were sick so we had to go and get Cap and Hollzy. They were the only ones who would even kind of know what to do since all the dads were out sick

Young

They gave us their room! And risked the flu themselves

Arthur

So it was a success?

LaPointe

I think so. I was kind of out of it for most of the night but Hollzy was very nice to me until someone could get me flu meds and steroids in the morning

Haas

Ilya was not nice to me actually. But I did feel better in the morning even before the meds kicked in

Young

Okay but you deserved Cap at his most Cap. You kept trying to stand up!

Haas

I wasn’t even that sick

Holmberg

[image attached: Luca in an airport, pink-cheeked and glassy eyed, slumped against a wall with a sweatshirt hood pulled up and obscuring most of his face]

Ah yes, the picture of health. Live from the Edmonton airport!

Arthur

It’s okay Luca. I don’t like being sick either

Haas

Thank you Arthur

Ruby

I can’t believe they let you guys play sick

LaPointe

When you become a professional athlete you unlock a whole new level of medicine it’s crazy

Haas

And to be fair we both skipped the Seattle game

Young

Which, by the way, you’re never allowed to do again that game was scary

Ruby

Hopefully nobody ever gets the flu again. This whole thing sucked

Jade

But at least we got data for parenting lessons! Arthur, make it official please

Arthur

[image attached: Arthur’s notebook page titled “Things They Learned” with “how to take care of sick kids” written on the bottom]

Ruby

Oh, and also here’s this

[video attached: Amber in Ruby’s bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the bed. She says: “I am very very sorry I got everyone sick on purpose. I will not do it again and I hope everybody feels better.”]

Haas

Thank you Amber

LaPointe

Baby Pike you are no longer on my list

Holmberg

Dude you cannot say that to a kid

***

Jackie pauses outside Ruby’s door, a stack of fresh bedsheets in her arms. With everyone finally over the worst of the flu it’s time for clean sheets. Hayden is down on the couch with Jade, the two of them watching some hockey highlights from the games he missed after a week of cartoon musicals around the clock. Arthur is sitting at the kitchen table on his tablet, munching on some crackers. It’s the most appetite he’s had in days.

Which leaves two unaccounted for. Ruby’s door is the only one shut. Jackie leans an ear against it just in time to hear Amber confess to getting sick on purpose.

Now, Jackie usually prides herself on keeping a cool head and getting all the facts of the story before starting to yell. However, they are at the tail end of a week where all six Pikes were down with the flu and have only mostly recovered. So, while Jackie would like to say she eased the door open and had a quiet conversation with her daughter, that’s not exactly what plays out.

“Amber Elizabeth Pike!” she yells, opening the door with some force. “What on earth did I hear you just say?”

Amber whirls around to face the door. Ruby startles and lowers her phone from where it looks like she was recording.

“Ruby Claire Pike,” she pivots. “Why did you record her saying that?”

“Um,” Ruby chews on her lip. “Blackmail?”

“I’ll deal with that a minute. Amber, I need an explanation.”

It’s a testament to how much better Amber feels that the tears don’t come immediately. Instead they well up in her eyes and refuse to fall. She says, “Well, I didn’t mean to get Dad’s whole team sick!”

“But you did mean to get sick?”

“Um, kind of?”

Jackie raises an eyebrow.

Amber continues, “Everyone at school was sick! And then I thought if I was sick I could stay home from school and then Daddy got sick too and he stayed with me on the couch so I didn’t feel bad but then he said all of his team got sick too and I did feel bad and so I told Ruby and she told me I had to ‘pologize for the camera because they lost all their games because of me.” She exhales and the tears start to come. “I really am sorry!”

Jackie puts the laundry down and pulls Amber into a hug. Twelve years of motherhood and she’s still helpless in the face of one of her children crying. She rubs soothing circles on Amber’s back and asks Ruby over her head, “Blackmail?”

Ruby has the decency to look apologetic. “I figured it would be good to have?”

Jackie sighs, “I can’t believe I have to say this but please don’t blackmail your sister.” Ruby opens her mouth, Jackie beats her to it. “Your little sister, or your twin sister or your brother. No blackmail.”

Ruby nods, “Fine.”

“And as for you,” Jackie says into Amber’s hair, now that the crying has settled some. “You’re going to have to make this right, even if it was an accident. And we’re going to have a talk about mental health days.”

Amber nods against her stomach, arms still wrapped around her waist. Jackie loves them, but she could not have imagined in her wildest dreams some of the shit they put her through on the regular.

***

Amber does not actually make the soup. She’s not interested in or trusted around the kitchen. So, Hayden makes soup and Jackie bundles them all into the car. Amber is in charge of holding the container.

Unsurprisingly, Shane and Ilya did end up both coming down with the flu after their midnight adventures to care for sick rookies. They were the last dominos to fall, so to speak. They both skipped the first home game after the roadie, but Hayden relayed that everyone else was back up to full health.

Jade helps her unbuckle her carseat and then all six Pikes are traipsing up the walkway to the Hollander-Rozanov house.

Ilya answers the door, looking paler and scruffier than usual. “Hello Pikes. Why are you here?”

“Dad said you finally got sick!” Amber says and they begin to file into the house.

“Hayd, what’s happening?” Shane asks, coming in from the living room and blinking at the kitchen overtake.

“We’ll be out of your hair in just a minute,” Hayden says, rummaging in the cabinets for a pot.

Ruby and Jade make themselves comfortable at the breakfast bar. Ruby squints at her uncles. “I thought you guys didn’t get sick,” she says.

Ilya coughs, “Russians do not get sick, is true. But Shane is not Russian and since he is sick I decided to be a good husband and stay home with him.”

“Shut up,” Shane says, reaching out to push at Ilya’s shoulder. “You came down with it first.”

Arthur walks over to where they’re standing and asks, “Do you think you could take care of a kid right now?”

Shane’s eyes widen and Ilya chokes, which turns into a coughing fit.

“Bud!” Hayden calls from across the room. “Don’t scare your uncles like that!”

“How did I scare them? It was just a question.”

Jackie comes over and squeezes his shoulder, “It sounded like we were dropping you kids off.” She looks up at Shane and Ilya and says very seriously, “We are not doing that to you. We’re just here so Amber can apologize.”

“And bring you soup!” Jade chimes in.

“Amber?” Shane asks. “What does she need to apologize for?”

Jackie shoves Amber forward with a little bit of force. Amber looks at her feet. “IgotsickatschoolonpurposeandmadeveryoneelsesicksoyoulostathockeyI’msorry.”

Ilya drops into a crouch. “My English is good, but not that good. Tell me again?”

Amber takes a big breath and says, “I got sick at school on purpose. And then I got Dad sick. And then your whole team got sick. And then you lost hockey games. And I’m sorry.”

“You are forgiven,” Ilya says, before coughing again. “Is just hockey. We will win more games.”

“Uncle Shane?”

Shane drops down too. “Uncle Ilya is right,” he says. “We’re going to win so many more games these ones won’t even matter. But maybe don’t get sick on purpose again, yeah?”

Amber nods. “Mom told me about mental health days so I can just skip school whenever I want and not have to have the flu.”

“Okay, so something got lost in translation there,” Jackie says. “But seriously, you two need anything you let us know, okay? We’d do it anyway but especially since the culprit belongs to us.”

“We’re good, we just need to sleep it off,” Shane says.

Ilya wanders over to the pot of soup Hayden has simmering on the stove. “Sleep and eat this soup, Shane. It smells good.”

“I’m surprised you can smell anything right now.”

“My nose is working because I am Russian.”

“That’s the stupidest fucking-”

“Swear jar!” chorus all four Pike kids, grinning. Shane usually does a decent job watching his language around them.

Hayden laughs, “Alright, Shane gets a one-time swear jar pass for being sick. Now, car. Go. We’ve overstayed our welcome.”

After a flurry of hugs and goodbyes the Pikes leave the house in surprisingly quick fashion. Amber’s the last one out the door. Ahead of her, she hears Arthur muttering something about not getting his question answered. She turns back at the last second and calls through the door, “Feel better!”

Chapter End Notes

I wrote about 60% of this and then had to pause to purge 80% of a Wyatt Hayes-centric time loop fic from my soul (coming soon to an ao3 email update near you). But we always come back! The kids are checking things off the official list and I have envisioned an epilogue. I haven't updated the chapter count yet because I don't know how many chapters we need to get to my vision, but trust we are headed somewhere great.

Love you lots💜 Let me know what you think in the comments and come chat with me on tumblr

Chapter 9: The Accidental and Extremely Temporary Loss of Tilly Dykstra

Chapter Summary

Shane speaks first, “You guys are really okay with this plan? Eleven kids-”

“Twelve,” Ilya says.

“Twelve? Who did I forget?”

Ilya shrugs, “Probably one of Pike’s. He has so many.”

“Anyway,” Shane rolls his eyes. “Twelve kids is a lot to handle.”

Chapter Notes

so!! this chapter is nearly twice the length of the last one. please buckle in it's a wild ride. there are a LOT of characters in this, so i want to give you the notes i referred to the entire time writing this chapter so you can have a reference point if you need it.

Adults (first and last names)

Jackie and Hayden Pike
Cassie and Zane Boodram
Selena and Nick Chouinard
Caitlin and Evan Dykstra
Amanda and Matthew Boyle
Connor Young, Gabe LaPointe, Max Holmberg, Luca Haas

Kids in age order

Jade Pike - 12
Ruby Pike- 12
Arthur Pike - 9
Aiden Chouinard- 9
Olivia Boyle- 8
Walker Chouinard- 7
Amber Pike- 6
Henry Boyle- 6
Susie Dykstra- 5
Scarlett Chouinard - 5
Milo Boodram- 3
Tilly Dykstra - 11 months

and i know! that in tlg we learn that Boyle has twins, but i couldn't do another set when the pike twins are already in play. so, if it helps, let's pretend that in season two Boyle is introduced and shown having kids that aren't twins and we can call this part show cannon if you need. (in a similar vein, all-stars rules are what i decide them to be, don't worry about it)

names and kids are all over the place for this one, point of view is not as tight as i prefer but it's as good as it's going to get. so my deepest apologies if you get lost in the chaos (but probably you will not). it's an immersive experience!! embrace it!!

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

3:37 pm

Young

At the risk of my reputation, I need everyone to answer a question for me

Holmberg

Oh this should be good

Ruby

You have a reputation?

Young

Ignoring that

What’s the deal with parents having favorite kids? Like is that real?

LaPointe

Oh you sweet naive only child

Ruby

Do you actually not know?

Young

I’m being so dead serious. On the way out of practice earlier Chouinard was talking about how Walker has some class party thing coming up and he’s only going because that’s his favorite kid. I thought he was kidding but everyone laughed at me???

Holmberg

Well yeah! You asked a stupid question! 

Haas

Is his favorite kid not Scarlett?

LaPointe

His favorite kid is definitely Scarlett. She has him wrapped around her little finger

Young

Terrible explanation! Someone else go

Holmberg

Dude he’s going to the party because he loves his kid. It was a joke. He’s not going to tell any of them which is his favorite

Jade

Yeah if anything he’s going to probably joke more about the boys being his favorite if Scarlett’s the actual favorite

Young

So then this is a secret? Like the three baby Chewbacca’s don’t know who’s the favorite?

Ruby

They know

Holmberg

They know

Jade

They know

Haas

They know

LaPointe

They know

Arthur

They know

Young

That seems mean :(

LaPointe

It’s not mean it’s a fact of life

Ruby

This is why we shouldn’t have only children

***

Later that evening, Ruby sits up so fast she feels a little dizzy.

Jackie and Amber are on their way back from figure skating and Arthur has a science project due tomorrow that Jade is helping him with in the kitchen. Which leaves Hayden, home for one more day before the next road trip, as the only witness to Ruby’s incredibly embarrassing moment of weakness.

“Hey, kiddo,” he says, reaching a hand out to put on her shoulder. “You okay?”

Ruby brushes him off, “I’m fine! Just really into the game.” Her voices comes out high and reedy.

Hayden frowns at her. They’re watching the Charge play the Frost, but it’s currently intermission between the first and second period. There’s a commercial for diapers playing on the screen.

He doesn’t say anything, just settles back into the couch and picks up his phone. Ruby doesn’t have time to care about who is getting a text about that interaction. The main thing now is to not panic. She didn’t intend to have a visible reaction to her thought process, but maybe there’s a way to work this. She just needs to get a little bit more information, integrate it into what she already knows, then debrief tonight with Jade at minimum, but ideally all three of her siblings and the four rookies.

Honestly, her English teacher should give her an A for critical thinking and research skills.

She waits until halfway through the next period. Ottawa are up by one and Minnesota just pulled a penalty. She doesn’t take her eyes off the TV when she says, “Hey, Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Always. What’s up?” His eyes also don’t leave the screen, Ruby is pleased to note. That makes this easier, somehow.

“Do you think Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are ever going to have a baby?”

The power play ends before Hayden speaks again.

Ruby stifles a giggle as he very clearly struggles to answer in a way that doesn’t betray another secret. 

He goes with: “I don’t know. Maybe that’s something you should ask them.”

“But Mom said that we aren’t supposed to ask people about that because it’s rude.” This is true. Jackie has been drilling that into her kids’ heads since before the twins could talk. There’s a horror story with a veteran player’s kid asking that of a WAG dealing with infertility during a playoff run that goes down in league history. 

Hayden rubs a hand on the back of his neck. “Mom is probably right.”

Ruby persists, “It’s just that, I think they would be good dads. They would tell you that kind of stuff, right?”

Hayden sighs and turns to face Ruby. She watches him lock in for a Big Parenting Moment. “Well, Rubes, it’s not as easy for your uncles to have a baby as it is for most people.”

“Jade and I already had this talk with Mom.”

“No, that’s-” he scrubs a hand over his face before trying again. “Yes, there’s the biological part, but they have enough money to adopt or have a surrogate or whatever they choose. That’s not what I mean.”

“What do you mean, then?”

“You know how Mom is in charge around here?” he ask. Ruby nods. “Right, well, that’s because Mom is smarter than anyone I know, but it’s also because I’m away a lot for work. If Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya have a baby they’ll both be away a lot of the year. And it’s hard to be a parent and not be around your kids all the time. It’s a sacrifice.”

Ruby sits with that for a minute and watches Ottawa score another goal. The game goes to commercial again. “It’s really that hard for you to go on road trips?”

“Of course it is. I always miss you and Jade and Arthur and Amber when I’m not here. That’s why I’m lucky to have Mom on my side, holding down the fort.”

Pressure builds behind Ruby’s eyes. It’s not new information, really. Before every road trip that she can remember, her dad makes a point to say goodbye and tell her that he loves her. He calls home every night before bed to tell them he misses them. It’s just hitting her now, how real that actually is.

She must not hide her sudden onslaught of emotion fast enough because she doesn’t even feel tears fall until she’s already wrapped in a bear hug. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Hayden soothes into the crown of her head. “What’s wrong?”

“That’s sad!” she says, frantically scrubbing at her face with her sweatshirt sleeves. It’s mildly embarrassing, she thinks, to be crying like a baby over something that’s not even a big deal. Still, she doesn’t pull out of the hug right away.

“It’s not all sad,” Hayden tells her when they’ve turned back to watch the game. Ruby is snuggled into his side now, only just turned out of the hug. “Without playing hockey I wouldn’t have met your mom or Uncle Shane. I wouldn’t have you or your siblings. So, yeah, sometimes I miss you guys when I’m on the road, but I wouldn’t change anything.”

Ruby sniffs as Ottawa’s goalie makes an impressive save. “I still think it’s a little sad.”

“I’ll take the win with a little sad,” Hayden says. He gives her shoulder another tight squeeze. “Keep an eye on the game for me, okay? It’s a little too quiet in that kitchen. I’m going to investigate.”

Ruby nods, secretly grateful for a moment alone. She wipes at her face again and tries to focus on the TV. It mostly works. There’s just one tiny part of her brain that refuses to cooperate and starts to worry instead.

***

Later that night, Jade wakes up to Ruby climbing into her bed. It’s not really something they did when they lived in Montreal, but in Montreal they shared a room. Jade doesn’t mind it now, though, even if Ruby could stand to work on her timing. Jade had just fallen asleep.

Still, she scoots towards the wall and Ruby makes herself comfortable under the duvet. Jade’s not entirely sure what Ruby came in here for, but she assumes it’s something parenting plan related.

So she’s a little shocked when Ruby says, “Did you know Dad misses us when he’s on the road?”

“He tells us that every time he calls before bed?”

“No.” Ruby shakes her head. “I mean, yes he does, but like he really misses us. It’s sad!”

Jade can’t figure out where this is going. “I guess so.”

“And! Like we miss him too but we have Mom and there’s four of us so it’s always loud and busy and there’s not time to be sad about it.”

Jade reaches under the covers for Ruby’s hand and grabs it. “Hey, stop freaking out. What’s happening?”

Ruby takes a deep breath. “I’m worried Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are making a mistake. They’re going to adopt a kid and then they’re going to have an only child and they’re going to leave all the time for hockey.”

Oh, Jade thinks, that is kind of worth getting mildly panicked about. 

The rest of Ruby’s story follows naturally from there: teasing Young about being an only child, the realization that their uncles were probably only going to adopt one kid, talking to their dad on the couch about being away from home.

When she finishes, Ruby looks at her and says, “So what are we going to do?”

“Why would I know?” Jade asks, and it’s a genuine question. She didn’t even manage to think of this problem, which she’ll kick herself for later. The whole reason they started the parenting lessons was because they were worried about their uncles not being ready, but this is worse than she thought. All their plans so far have been focused on how they’ll interact with their kid. They have nothing in the way of them not being there.

Ruby says, “You always know how to figure out a plan. It’s what you’re good at.”

Jade doesn’t really believe her in this moment, but Ruby answered so easily. Her sister’s belief in her will have to be enough, she thinks, because like it or not they do need a plan.

They stay up half the night whispering ideas to one another. They end up with their most ambitious plan to date. Probably, realistically, it won’t work. Best case scenario, they get away with it and Shane and Ilya learn something new. Worst case scenario, the Pike kids end up grounded for life and also somehow kicked out of the city of Ottawa.

Ruby slips back to her own room hours later; weak, early morning light filtering through behind the curtains. She and Jade have matching grins, threatening to split their faces. Yeah, they might have to go on the run and live as fugitives after all this, but it’s going to be a lot of fun either way.

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

6:12 am

Ruby

All star announcements are today!

Jade

Omg who do you think the Cens are gonna send?

Ruby

It’s soooo hard to guess this year

Jade

Right like there’s not any crazy names on their roster this year so it could really go to anyone

Ruby

No way they get a fan vote or a goalie send either, so probably it’s just one guy

LaPointe

Good morning traitors

Young

You’re very funny haha we get it we’re never going to go to an all-stars because our team is too legendary, our roster too stacked, our steak is too juicy

Holmberg

I’m not even offended about that but I am a little annoyed that this is what woke me up

LaPointe

Well I am offended! For the record!

Young

Bergy you weren’t awake yet?

Holmberg

It’s stupid o’clock outside? Of course I wasn’t awake

Ruby

See and this is why I keep saying hockey isn’t a real job because why aren’t you waking up with the rest of society? It’s a Wednesday! Get a job!

Young

Isn’t your dad always talking about how you want to go pro?

Ruby

What’s that got to do with anything?

Haas

I know that was probably a joke but just in case…we all know Cap and Hollzy and Hayes are going to all-stars right?

Jade

So, it’s not the four of you?

Young

Truly you girls are hilarious. Forget hockey, you should go into comedy

Jade

Can someone please answer the question?

LaPointe

No, barring some insane freak accident, the four of us are not going to all-stars

Holmberg

And just to be clear to like, the universe, or whatever - this team is tapped out on freak accidents

Ruby

Great! In that case

Arthur! Please drop the notes

Young

I shouldn’t be surprised that this is where we ended up and yet

Arthur

[image attached: two notebook pages, filled with writing. The first details information about sibling relations and birth order. The second details a page-long plan to “show them what they’ll be missing”]

Holmberg

Remember when I said it was stupid o’clock? I need coffee to understand this

Arthur

Okay we have some time before school so you can do that first

6:48 am

Holmberg

Okay actually that wasn’t so bad

Haas

I get what you need us to do. I just don’t understand why?

Ruby

They’re both hockey players! Which means they’ll both be on the road all the time and I don’t think they realized what that’s going to be like

Jade

We’re trying to show them how hard it will be to be away from their kid

Young

And you think us texting them for help while they’re at all-stars is going to do that? They’re probably glad that they’re getting time away from us

LaPointe

Yeah I think all-stars is like romantic for them or something

Jade

It’ll be totally controlled on our end. We can come up with things ahead of time.

Arthur

We don’t actually need a babysitter anymore

Holmberg

Oh do your parents leave you home alone?

Arthur

Well no, but I think that’s because we usually have practices to get to and we can’t drive yet.

LaPointe

Sure thing, little dude

Ruby

The point is, it’s a controlled experiment. We just need you to be here so it seems real

Haas

I guess it’s worth trying?

Young

At this point all we have left to lose is our dignity

No one make a joke!!! It’s too easy and you’re all better than that

***

The plan, Luca thinks, has about a fifty percent chance of even happening. There’s a higher chance of Pike agreeing to letting them watch his kids, but basically zero chance the location gets approved. Still, the kids seemed to believe in it. And Young wasn’t wrong when he said that there wasn’t much to lose by trying.

Practice that afternoon starts, predictably, with the All-Star Game announcements. Coach Wiebe gathers them all in the media room and produces an envelope from his back pocket.

“Alright, I know you all know how this goes. We send one player, the division sends two goalies, and then we have fan votes. So, I’ll start with our designated slot. Drumroll please!”

The team all drum on their legs or the backs of empty chairs. It’s juvenile, but everyone is grinning. After the first year with the hockey husbands, the team started hyping up this announcement as a running joke. Wiebe encouraged it, doing anything for morale. Now, Harris and Gen stand in the back of the room, filming it all for socials. Power of friendship team and all that.

Wiebe calls, “Shane Hollander!” and the room feigns shock and cheers for him. Shane goes to stand at the front of the room.

“Now,” he calls. “Give it up for one of two goalies from the Atlantic Division: Wyatt Hayes!” Wyatt walks up to stand next to Shane, grinning. He gives a little bow.

“And finally, I am proud to announce that the Centaurs organization is sending not one, not two, but three players to this year’s game. May I present this year’s fan vote: Ilya Rozanov!”

The team hoot and holler and Ilya walks up to the front of the room. He grabs Shane for an obnoxious, if chaste, kiss on the cheek. The comms team pulls them for some quick interviews, and Wiebe breaks the rest of them so they can “get their asses to the weight room.” As the team file out of the room and into the hallway, they can hear Shane and Ilya debate which is better: to be sent on points record or because of the fans.

They decided this morning on the drive in that Young would handle this part of the plan. Luca’s grateful for that, he’s pleased to sit back until it’s clear backup is needed.

Just ahead of him, he watches Young fall into step with Pike. “So, doing anything fun for the All-Star break?”

Pike laughs. “I’m sure Jackie would love to be whisked off for a weekend getaway, but when you have four kids that’s not really an option.”

“You can’t get someone to watch them?”

“Well, our normal sitters are going to the All-Star game, so…”

Luca is mildly shocked. They couldn’t have asked for a better opening. If Young manages to screw this up it’ll be because he actively tried to.

They turn the corner into the weight room. Young gives it a couple of beats, like the idea has just come to him before he says, “I mean, we could watch the Pikelings for you.”

“We?” Pike looks skeptical.

Young shrugs, “Me and the boys: Haasy, Berg, Pointy. We’re not doing anything for the break anyway.”

He’s playing it cool, but Luca imagines his heart must be racing. Luca’s is, anyway, and he’s halfway across the room. Pike narrows his eyes and looks long and hard at Young. “Just to be clear - you are volunteering yourselves for 48 hours with my kids? My moody preteens and their high energy siblings?”

Young nods. “We hung out with the little ones a few months ago at the twin’s hockey game and that was no sweat. Plus there’s four of them and four of us. How hard can it be?”

At that, Pike lets out a laugh loud enough to draw the attention of the rest of the team. Everyone slowly moves towards their corner of the room as Pike says, “Listen, kid, I’m not one to pass up free babysitting, but I really don’t think you know what you’re getting yourselves into.”

“Wait,” Chouinard cuts in. “We’re allowed to make the team kids babysit our real kids?”

“Yeah, hold on. Why does Pike get free babysitting?” Dykstra asks.

Young visibly panics and looks at Luca. Luca is also panicking because involving the rest of the team was not in the plan at all. He starts to stammer something out, when LaPointe steps in to save his ass.

“We know the Pikelings the best!” he says, holding his hands out. “They’re the oldest ones so they’re the least breakable.”

“That’s not-” Pike starts, but must think better of it because he doesn’t go any further.

Boyle cracks his neck. “I’m pretty sure that’s only true for some of the kids. Mine aren’t babies anymore.”

“Hey, there’s something to be said for kids that can’t talk back to you yet,” Dykstra adds.

“Alright, alright,” Bood cuts in. The room silences. Luca takes a full breath before Bood speaks again. “Let’s settle this so we can get back to what we’re here to do. The way I see it, I think the rookies have to either babysit everyone’s kids or none. We can’t have any perceived favoritism happening.”

Now, the reasonable thing to do would be to politely decline babysitting a million children on their only decent break during the season. However, Luca hesitates to say anything to that effect. The Pike kids must be wearing him down, because he knows they would say that they need to adapt to the situation at hand and not pass up a prime opportunity.

Luca catches Holmberg’s eye and tries to communicate I don’t know where the hell we go from here. Holmberg nods and says, “We can do it.”

Bood chokes on a laugh. “Wait are you serious? We’re not actually going to make you guys do that.”

“No, no, we totally can. Right, guys?” Now he’s looking to the rest of them to back him up and Luca wishes he had just said something instead of trying to communicate through pointed looks. Young and LaPointe nod, never ones to back down from a challenge. 

Luca sighs and nods his agreement, latent youngest-child instincts kicking in and telling him it’s best to just go along with it. Holmberg must have a plan, he reasons. And if he doesn’t, it’s not like they’re actually going to be in charge of…twelve kids (his math can’t be right, right?) for any true extended amount of time. 

“Holy shit, you’re serious?” Chouinard asks.

“Serious about what?” asks a voice from the doorway.

The whole of the team turn to see that Wyatt, Shane, and Ilya have been released from media time and have come to join them in what is supposed to be dry land conditioning. Wyatt’s eyes are scanning the group like they’re running a drill on the ice. Shane, who asked the question, is waiting for an answer and moving in to drop his phone and water bottle against the wall. Ilya follows him, grin on his face.

Young answers, because he’s taken up a side gig as a grave digger, and is apparently starting with his own. “We’re going to babysit all the kids during the All-Star break.”

“All the kids meaning…”

“The Pikelings, Baby Chewbaccas, Boylers, Tiny Dykstras and Milo,” LaPointe clarifies.

“Bro, we have got to workshop the nicknames.”

“I’d like to see you do better!”

Ilya barks out a laugh, “This is incredible. Very funny. You have lots of confidence, even if it is completely unearned.”

“Where would this even happen?” Shane asks. “I don’t think it’s legal to have that many kids in an apartment.”

It comes to Luca in a flash of inspiration. They went into this with a half-baked plan and only got this far because of ego and impulse and the inability to back down from a challenge. They were going to try to ask this question eventually, so, really, it’s just taking advantage of the moment.

“Actually,” Luca says, before he thinks better of it. “We could do it at your house?” Both Shane and Ilya’s heads snap to look at him where he’s standing on the edge of the group. Young, LaPointe, and Holmberg jump on the idea immediately, and start chanting “Cap’s house! Cap’s house!”

Luca summons every last bit of bravado in his system and makes his argument. “You’ll be gone and it’s centrally located so everyone can drop their kids off and have their own houses to themselves for the weekend.”

“You know,” says Wyatt, joining the conversation for the first time. “It does make sense. I think you should let them do it.”

“Spoken like a man with no children who’s also going to be gone that weekend,” Ilya rolls his eyes.

“Roz, listen to the man. That’s the best goalie in the league right there!” crows Dykstra. 

“Yeah!” adds Chouinard. “This is gonna be great for team morale. We gotta make this happen.”

The room keeps cheering, all the guys throwing out reasons to make it happen. Luca kind of can’t believe it’s working out like this. Yes, the original plan of “babysit the Pike kids at the Hollander-Rozanov house” has kind of gone to shit, but technically speaking, most of that plan is still happening. It’s just going to include eight more kids, most of them younger. (Luca double, triple, and quadruple checks his math in his head. He’s not sure if he’s more scared to be right or wrong about the total number.)

Still in the doorway, Luca watches Shane and Ilya have some sort of silent conversation. They stare each other down, not so much as blinking. Luca’s pretty sure they’ve had less intense face-offs. Then, Shane raises an eyebrow and Ilya rolls his eyes. There’s a pointed look at Pike, for some reason, from both of them and then Shane nods.

“Okay!” Ilya calls, clapping his hands to silence the room. “Time for training, everyone get to it. Barrett’s on music.” Luca thinks that’s the end of the discussion, so he’s surprised when Ilya keeps talking. “Babies, come here please.”

The four of them amble up to the front of the room, feeling not unlike children getting called to the principal’s office. Wyatt walks past them, heading off to start his own workout, and he gives Holmberg a clap on the shoulder.

Shane speaks first, “You guys are really okay with this plan? Eleven kids-”

“Twelve,” Ilya says.

“Twelve? Who did I forget?”

Ilya shrugs, “Probably one of Pike’s. He has so many.”

“Anyway,” Shane rolls his eyes. “Twelve kids is a lot to handle.”

Young nods, “We’ll be fine. Plus, the Pike twins will probably help out since they’re not, like, babies.”

“Okay,” Ilya says. “Think about it for a few days, and if you all still think you can do it, then, yes, you can use our house.”

“Really?!”

“We’re boarding Anya regardless,” Shane explains. “And it’s probably best that you don’t take over someone else’s house to do this. It’s a neutral zone.”

“Now, if you break something…”

“Cap, we’ll be so so so careful and we won’t break anything,” LaPointe hurries to promise.

“Ah, don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Ilya says, starting to herd them further into the room. Right, training. For the hockey team they’re all on. Ilya leads LaPointe and Young away, threatening them within an inch of their lives with a big grin on his face. 

Shane falls into step between Holmberg and Luca. “I’m sure I’m reading into things, but the fact that the four of you want to use your break to babysit everyone else’s kids is kind of remarkable,” he says, not to either one of them in particular. “The team is lucky to have you for more than just your skills on the ice.”

He breaks away, going to rack weights. Holmberg looks at Luca, both of them a little starry-eyed, and says, “Shane fucking Hollander.”

***

“Okay, before we leave, I need to get a picture for proof,” Cassie says. 

She and Bood are standing in the entryway of the Hollander-Rozanov house. They were the last to drop-off, and Milo ran off into the chaos within minutes of being set down on the floor. It’s Friday morning of the All-Star break, and if all goes well, she and Bood (and all the other parents on the team) will be child-free until Sunday morning.

“Picture of what?” LaPointe asks. He has a backpack hanging off each arm and a third resting at his feet. Children don’t travel light, it appears.

“Picture of all the kids,” Cassie says brightly. “We’ll call it a Before picture.” Behind her, Bood laughs.

LaPointe knows better than to argue with Cassie, so he drops the bags into a haphazard pile in the foyer and pokes his head into the living room. The Pike twins are curled together on a love seat, looking at something on Jade’s phone. Arthur, Aiden, Olivia, Scarlett and Henry are running circles around the back of the couch, between the wall and the side table and cutting over the coffee table in what appears to be a game of tag with extra rules. Arthur nearly sideswipes Tilly, who’s still in her carseat. She’s saved by Amber, who catches her in one hand and directs Susie and Milo to do her bidding with the other.

“Hey,” he says to Holmberg, who’s standing watching the chaos unfold. “Cassie wants a picture of all the kids before they leave.”

Holmberg nods, “Where are Young and Haasy?”

“Upstairs putting bags in guest rooms.”

“Alright. Uh, hey! Kids! Picture time!” he calls to the room. If any of the kids even register his voice they certainly don’t respond. “Hey!” he tries again.

Bood and Cassie come up behind them and survey the chaos. Cassie’s grinning and Bood drops a hand on each of their shoulders. “Need a hand?” he asks.

“Uh, sure,” LaPointe says, skeptical.

Bood raises two fingers to his mouth and whistles, sharp and short. In an instant all activity in the room come to a halt and eleven little heads (Tilly’s still well-strapped in her car seat) turn to look at them. Bood smirks and says, “Floor is yours, kid.”

“Right, thanks,” Holmberg says. “Okay! Picture time before the weekend starts. Everyone line up in front of the TV!”

There’s some pushing and shoving about who gets to stand where and with who. Cassie and Bood don’t help, just stand there and laugh at them. Young and Haas come back downstairs and start physically moving kids. 

“Age order,” LaPointe decides, finally. “So, um, Pike girls at this end and Milo? At the other end.”

Susie Dykstra laughs like he’s told the funniest joke she’s ever heard. “Milo’s not the youngest!” LaPointe scans the room, tries to remember how old everyone is. Susie keeps talking, “It’s Tilly!”

Right, Tilly Dykstra who can’t walk yet is younger than Milo, who’s walking and talking. “Okay,” he says. “But since someone is going to have to hold Tilly she doesn’t count.”

Susie gives him a look that says she’s not impressed with that answer.

“Oh, can I hold her? Please? Pleasepleaseplease can I?” Amber yells.

“No, you’re six,” Holmberg answers. “Now who’s older you or Henry? Actually, I don’t care, just get in line next to each other.”

There’s another four minutes of shuffling kids and convincing them to stand still for the picture. Cassie breaks her self-imposed rule of letting the rookies figure it out themselves to show Haas how to take Tilly out of her carseat and hold her properly. She’s almost one, she tells them, so she’s not entirely breakable, and can do some of the work of holding herself up.

She takes the picture and has them do a silly one for good measure. Then she and Bood are out the door with a final kiss on Milo’s cheeks and a “Good luck! See you on Sunday!”

The room devolves back into its earlier chaos in seconds. Except this time, Tilly is crawling around on the floor getting underfoot and giving all four rookies high blood pressure.

***

Centaurs Daycare🍼

11:13 am

Cassie added Selena, Caitlin, Amanda, and Jackie to the chat

Cassie added Zane, Nick, Evan, Matthew, and Hayden to the chat

Cassie added Shane and Ilya to the chat

Cassie added Luca, Connor, Gabe, and Max to the chat

Cassie

Good luck boys!

[image attached: all the kids in a single line in the Hollander-Rozanov living room. From left to right: Jade Pike, Ruby Pike, Arthur Pike, Aiden Chouinard, Olivia Boyle, Walker Chouinard, Amber Pike, Henry Boyle, Susie Dykstra, Scarlett Chouinard, Milo Boodram, Luca Haas (holding Tilly Dykstra), Connor Young, Max Holmberg, and Gabe LaPointe]

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

11:16 am

Young

Okay team meeting in the kitchen in five

Holmberg

👍

LaPointe

👍

Haas

👍

Ruby

Us too?

Young

Considering this is your insane plan, yes

Bring Jade, Arthur can be in charge of all the kids out here

***

“Dude, we cannot leave Arthur in charge of the rest of the kids,” LaPointe says, hopping up on a barstool at the counter. He’s the last to make it to the team meeting and Young is pretty sure they have like eight minutes before the living room needs adult supervision again.

“He’s like a mini adult, he’ll be fine for a few minutes.”

“He’s nine,” Jade says, eyebrows raised. “And Aiden’s taller than him.”

“Why does that even matter?” Young asks, before thinking better of it. “Actually, never mind, we need to focus. I know this wasn’t the original plan, but please tell me someone did some actual research about this. Or made a plan? Or something?”

Holmberg looks at him like he’s insane and says, “Plan is: keep everyone alive until Sunday. Honestly, the only one I’m worried about is that one.” He points to Tilly, sitting on the counter with her back against Luca’s stomach. She blows a raspberry and Ruby and Jade both coo at her. 

“Easy,” LaPointe says. “We make sure she gets one-to-one supervision all weekend then, and only actual adults can watch her.”

Ruby and Jade both make affronted noises. Holmberg rolls his eyes, “No one’s saying that you can’t hold her or play with her, just that one of us is going to also keep an eye on her.”

It’s basically what Evan and Caitlin said when they dropped the girls off earlier. They were much more relaxed than any of the rookies thought they should be, given that they haven’t even had Tilly’s first birthday yet. But, both Dykstra parents were adamant that their youngest was not breakable, just little.

“Speaking of,” Young says, turning to face the Pike twins. “I know you had a big crazy plan for this weekend, but our focus has to be on keeping everyone alive and not on shenanigans.”

“And we’re going to need you two to actually help us and not encourage the younger kids to be crazy for crazy’s sake,” Holmberg adds.

Jade sighs, “Okay, fine. We promise to be helpful.”

Ruby leans over to Tilly and stage-whispers, “We can be helpful and enact our plan, but they don’t have to know that.”

The sound of four grown(ish) men sighing in defeat is music to her ears.

***

Of course, Ruby and Jade discussed how the plan would change after they learned it would not just be them (and Arthur and Amber) spending the weekend with the rookies. Instead of fabricating emergencies to fake solve as a stress test for their uncles, they pivoted two days ago to leaning into what was really happening to hopefully make them realize what kind of sacrifice they’re going to be facing if they go through with it.

(They still want them to go through with it and adopt a cousin for the Pikes, to be clear. They just want it to be a completely informed decision.)

There are many complicated contingencies to this new plan, because obviously disaster is going to strike with or without their input. You just can’t put twelve kids under twelve in one house with an unqualified, bare-minimum supervision and expect it to go perfectly.

What you can do (and what Ruby and Jade are planning to do) is document it for the benefit of the out-of-country homeowners.

***

Friday morning goes swimmingly, all things considered. None of the kids cried at drop-off and they were all seemingly thrilled to get free rein to play a complicated make-believe game during the team meeting in the kitchen. The rules to the game are beyond the understanding of any of the rookies, though Amber and Olivia make a concerted effort to explain before giving up and just telling the boys where to sit and what to do.

Tilly starts to cry in the early afternoon, and starts smacking her hand in front of her mouth. She crawls right to Luca’s feet and starts doing it louder and more aggressively. Luca picks her up and she stops crying, but the smacking continues.

“Um,” he says, to the room at large. “What’s she doing?”

“Silence, prisoner!” Scarlett cries. She waves a hand in front of his face, sending Olivia into a fit of giggles.

Young leans over from the seat next to Luca in the dungeon (the couch) and squints at the baby. “She’s smacking her mouth?”

Luca rolls his eyes and whispers back, “But why?”

Young shrugs and offers to take Tilly from him. She doesn’t stop her movements in a different lap. They play a fun game of telephone, passing the baby around trying to figure out what she means. Finally, LaPointe sets her down on the carpet and shrugs, “She can crawl. Maybe she’ll go get what she needs.”

“Guards!” Amber calls. “Arrest this man!”

Walker and Henry obediently come and each grab one of LaPointe’s arms. “Hey!” he protests. “I thought I was a guard!”

“You just put Tilly down in the alligator moat,” Ruby says, like it’s obvious. She’s perched on the top of the coffee table (the castle tower), half scrolling on her phone.

“But she can swim!” LaPointe improvs. “And she’s immune to alligators so this is the fastest way to deliver her very important message from the…wizard?”

Most of the kids nod and start to watch Tilly like a hawk as she crawls at top speed towards her sister. Susie is wrapped in a blanket and hiding under a dining room chair they dragged in front of the fireplace to serve as the Cave of Mysteries. She pokes her head out to watch Tilly stop crawling, sit back on her heels and smack her hand on her mouth again.

“Oh great Troll Queen, what is the message from the wizard?” Young asks, getting into the game.

Susie purses her lips and hums while she thinks. Tilly gets closer and does the motion again. “Oh that’s the sign for eat. The wizard’s assistant is hungry! And the wizard says we all have to have pizza!”

The room of children cheer collectively. Aiden starts chanting “Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!”

Right, yes, of course. Children need to eat and it’s late enough that if they don’t get moving on lunch now, they’ll probably regret it for the rest of the weekend.

Holmberg rises from the ground, unseating three children off his back. He stands and calls out, “Tilly duty!” as he scoops the baby up and begins to move into the dining room.

The rest of the crew follow behind; LaPointe slings Henry on his back and carries Milo in his arms, Young walks with Susie and Scarlett each sitting on a foot, and Luca has a hand each on Ruby and Jade’s shoulder, keeping them from walking into walls or tripping over the rest of the kids who are racing each other at top speed.

It’s a miracle, honestly, that they all make it to the table in one piece.

The Hollander-Rozanov dining room is way too nice to host this many children, Young thinks, as the kids all file in and grab a seat. It comfortably sits fourteen, though three of the chairs have been lost to the kingdom in the living room.

The kids all sit and stare expectantly at the four rookies. There’s a tense moment of standoff before Jade stage-whispers, “You have to order the pizza, you know that right?”

“Right, right,” Young says. “Okay, um Gabe, get your phone out and find a place we can do an online order. What does everyone want?”

There’s a chorus of screaming different toppings and preferences, and Young immediately realizes his mistake. He turns away from the table and says, “Can any of you do that whistle Bood did?”

Holmberg nods and sticks two fingers in his mouth, cutting through the sound with a sharp whistle. Eleven kids go quiet and the baby in his arms starts to wail. “Shit- I mean-”

“Swear jar!”

LaPointe looks up from his phone, “That does not get less annoying with more voices.”

“Alright,” Young says, clapping and standing at the head of the dining table. “New question: do any of you have allergies?”

Ruby gives him a disbelieving look. “You didn’t think to ask any of the parents this before now?”

“I figured they would mention it. This is just double checking.”

“Oh, we’re all going to die,” Jade says.

No one speaks up about any allergies, and so they have LaPointe order large plain and pepperoni pizzas, half a dozen each. He throws in some bottles of soda and juice, after a quick survey of the fridge reveals only protein shakes, plain greek yogurt and a dozen meal-preps. Tilly has a few bottles in there too, with a note on how to warm them up and a reminder that she can eat real food cut into bite-sized pieces.

“Yeah, so it’s going to be like 30 minutes,” LaPointe says. 

“What are we supposed to do with them until then?” Luca asks.

Holmberg opens his mouth as if to say something and then hold Tilly closer to his face. She giggles and he gags. “Oh, that is foul.”

“Nose goes,” Young says, before Holmberg even finishes the sentiment. 

Holmberg loses, due in part to the baby in his hands. “You all suck,” he says, manipulating the fingers on Tilly’s left hand to flip them off. “Call me when the food is here!” And he goes in search of the diaper bag.

The table is getting rowdy, at least five distinct conversations are happening at top-volume. It’s so loud they don’t notice Henry has gotten out of his chair and wandered over to tug at Luca’s arm.

“Are you okay?” Luca asks.

Henry nods. “Are you the one Daddy says does all the drawings?”

“Um, yes?”

“Can you teach me how to draw Spiderman?” he asks seriously.

“Oh, sure, maybe,” Luca looks to LaPointe and Young. “Do we have pencils and paper somewhere?”

They both scan the room as if art supplies will pop into existence. “Check the office?” Young asks.

LaPointe shakes his head. “On the list of locked rooms. It’s the office, their bedroom and the trophy room.”

“Actually, yeah that’s smart,” Young says. An idea pops into his head. He cups his hands around his mouth and says, “Pikes!” Four heads whip in his direction. “Your uncles keep art supplies here for you?”

Within minutes the markers and paper have been unearthed from the bottom of the downstairs linen closet and brought to the table. Spiderman is maybe a difficult subject to start with, so Luca’s leading them in a step-by-step process of drawing a cartoon spider on a web. Everyone is locked in; little cheeks puffed out in concentration.

Holmberg comes back in halfway through the tutorial. Tilly is in a different onesie and there’s a sheen of sweat coating his forehead. “I didn’t realize she would be actively working against me,” he says, plunking her down on the end of the table to scribble on a piece of paper. She immediately tries to put the marker in her mouth.

The notification that the pizza has arrived comes during the final stages of everyone’s drawings. LaPointe nudges Young and they both head to the front door to get it.

Ruby knows an opening when she sees one. She abandons her seat and slips away to the counter and secrets away Young’s phone into her pocket. She figures she’s got at least twenty minutes of pizza-induced mania before he realizes it’s gone.

***

Centaurs Daycare🍼

2:36 pm

Connor

[image attached: aerial shot, like someone stood on a dining room chair. The dining room is covered in markers, construction paper, and slices of pizza (most of them on a plate). The kids are all grinning, mouths full, and about half are looking at the camera. The younger set have marker on their arms. All four rookies can be seen, looking both stressed out and pleased with themselves. Ruby is the only one not in the photo.]

Twelve people loved the message.

***

Twelve boxes of pizza was definitely an ambitious order, even including the appetites of four professional hockey players. After everyone has eaten their fill, they put the remaining boxes in the fridge and earmark them for dinner that evening. Score one for planning ahead.

Between the snowstorm kicking into high-gear and the early winter sunset, it’s dark fairly early. Young finds his phone on the dining room table, even though he could have sworn he put it down in the kitchen, and checks the time.

“Hey, what time do kids usually go to bed?” he asks.

“Well, not before five o’clock,” Ruby snarks.

Jade jumps in before anyone can open their mouth, “Seriously, did any of them realize you guys were under-qualified?”

“Hey,” Holmberg says, cutting them a look. “You remember how you promised to be helpful this weekend?”

They both mutter a sorry and focus their attention on their shoes. 

The dining table is still covered in scrap paper, markers, and two-dozen spider drawings. Luca started to clean it up but abandons it now to say, “We could do a movie?”

“That’ll only cover a few hours.”

“Movie marathon?”

It’s actually fairly easy to corral all the kids into the den for a movie marathon. There are, of course, somehow thirteen different opinions on what to watch, but LaPointe makes it a game. He has every kid come up and whisper in his ear what they want, and then says he’ll put on the one that gets the most votes.

Aiden is the last to go and doesn’t buy it for one second. He stands in front of LaPointe, arms crossed, and says, “You’re just going to pick whatever you want.”

“You think I would lie to you?”

“Yes.”

LaPointe grins, “Try me.” Aiden reluctantly whispers in his ear and he knows he’s got him. He stands and says to the pile of kids and blankets on the couches, “We shall be watching…the Descendants movies.”

The kids cheer. Half of them have already forgotten what their choice was, and the other half are perfectly happy to watch this instead. Aiden smiles at Gabe like they’re in a secret club. 

Shane and Ilya have every streaming service known to man and their TV remote has a designated button for Disney+. They turn off the lights in the room for an “authentic movie experience” and settle in with every blanket from the hall closet.

***

Not Old Cens🙅‍♂️

5:32 pm

Pointy

Yo this babysitting shit is easy

Berg

Do not jinx us dumbass

Haasy

They’re little TV zombies, even the twins

Pointy

That’s what I’m saying! We should have done screen time hours ago

Haasy

Isn’t screen time bad for kids?

Young

That can’t be true

Berg

That’s almost definitely true

Young

But look at them! They’re so happy

Haasy

I see your point

Berg

How much time is left in this one?

Young

Like twenty minutes I think

Berg

Okay hear me out, we make the kids get in pajamas and feed them cold pizza and then let them keep watching these until they’re all asleep

Young

Bergy I am going to kiss you on the mouth

Berg

Please do not

Haasy

I think it’s a good idea!

Berg

See, that’s a normal response

Also someone else is on diaper duty this time

***

They turn it into a competition. They have the kids run upstairs one family at a time to get their pajamas out of the backpacks and overnight bags, get changed, and come back downstairs with whatever stuffed animals and special blankets they need to fall asleep. For fairness, Tilly is exempt from the competition and Susie and Milo become a team.

The Boyles beat out the Chouinards for first place by a minute and forty-five seconds, probably because they’re working with one less kid. The Pikes come in third, which Amber is extremely annoyed about, because Jade stayed behind to help out Susie and Milo. (“And you thought we wouldn’t be helpful.”)

All in all, it takes them fifteen minutes to get twelve kids into pajamas. Holmberg thinks they should get a prize for that. If he has a free minute he might call up Guinness World Records or something.

The third Descendants movie comes on and three pizza boxes come straight from the fridge to rest on the coffee table. Tilly gets another bottle.

“No plates?” Walker asks through a mouthful of pizza.

“No plates,” Young says. “Cap said they were gonna get the place deep cleaned after this anyway. We’re letting them get their money’s worth.”

He cheers and nearly punches his brother in the head with his cheering. Luckily it’s a near miss, and both boys settle without a fight. 

Arthur climbs back into his spot next to Luca, pizza in one hand. He says, “This is so much fun, we never get to do these kinds of things with real adults.”

At the end of the third movie, pizza boxes get cleaned up and everyone gets up to brush their teeth. Tilly’s been asleep in LaPointe’s arms for the better part of an hour, so he stays put with the baby and remote, queuing up the next movie. The kids slowly trickle in from the three guest bathrooms (two upstairs, one downstairs) where they were presumably fighting over who got to stand in front of the sink. The littler ones have stuff animals tucked under their arms, and all of them are yawning and trying to hide it.

With most of the kids re-assembled in the living room, LaPointe asks the group if anyone is getting tired. He’s met with a chorus of “nuh-uh” and “no I’m actually wide awake and I could stay up all night.” They put on the fourth (and apparently not last!) Descendants and settle back in.

It’s markedly worse in quality.

Young leans over to Holmberg, careful not to squish Amber and Olivia in between them, or wake up Milo on his chest, and says, “Why’s this one so different?”

Holmberg nods and flashes his phone screen, open to the IMDB page. “They had to recast it after the one kid died. And they couldn’t get Kenny Ortega back to direct.”

“Who’s Kenny Ortega?”

From the floor, Luca scoffs, “You don’t know who Kenny Ortega is?”

“Literally why would I know that? Who is he?”

“He directed High School Musical!” Ruby answers from under a blanket on the loveseat.

“Shh!” LaPointe motions to the sleeping baby still on his chest. “Also, how do you know that? Weren’t you born after those came out?”

“Mom likes them,” Jade mumbles, fighting sleep. “Dad too, but he pretends he doesn’t.”

Luca nods, shifting Susie on his lap so that Arthur has more room, “They have good taste.”

The credits start to roll and the room is quiet save for the quiet exhales of eleven sleeping children, and two sleeping professional hockey players. 

“Ruby, come take my phone,” Young whispers.

Ruby pokes her head up and whispers back “Why?”

“I know you sent the picture to the group earlier. We should send another.”

“How did you find out?” She crawls out of the loveseat and on top of the coffee table to be closer without disturbing anyone sleeping on the floor.

Young gives her a look. “Gabe, Max and Luca all got a notification. And I did get my phone back afterwards.”

“Oh. Right. Well, where’s your phone now?”

“Under my leg, in between the cushions. I think,” he says. Milo shifts on his chest and Young stills entirely.

Holmberg, with one hand still free, somehow, flips his phone out towards Ruby. “Just use mine instead.”

Ruby grabs it and grins. “Okay, but pretend to be asleep.”

***

Centaurs Daycare🍼

12:58 am

Max

[image attached: the Hollander-Rozanov living room, lit only by the faint glow of the TV. Young and Holmberg are “asleep” on the couch with Amber and Olivia asleep in between them. Milo sleeps on Young’s chest, Scarlett has her feet resting in his lap, and Henry is curled up between Holmberg and the arm of the couch. LaPointe is asleep in the arm chair with Tilly on his chest. Haas is on the floor, Arthur on one side and Susie on the other. Aiden and Walker are both sleeping on couch cushions halfway under the coffee table. Jade is curled up in the loveseat, a loose blanket where Ruby was moments ago. The picture is taken selfie-style, and you can see the top half of Ruby’s face, her eyes half-opened.]

Twelve people loved the message

8:17 am

Ilya

Looks very comfortable!

Check outside for groceries in twenty minutes

***

Like magic, twenty minutes after the text from Ilya (thirty minutes after being woken by Milo announcing he “needs to pee right now!” and spiking everyone’s adrenaline from zero to a hundred) there is a grocery delivery on the front step.

Three bags sit in the cold. Holmberg brings them inside and unpacks apple juice, orange juice, microwaveable bacon, six flavors (twelve boxes) of frozen toaster waffles, and a jug of sugar-free syrup. The kids who are awake and in the kitchen cheer. There’s no message attached, but they can all hear Ilya loud and clear: food to feed children that even loud tall babies can’t mess up cooking. 

“Sure,” LaPointe mutters, passing Tilly duty off to Young. “Sugar-free syrup, because we need to cut back after the frozen waffles and full-sugar juice.”

Young takes Tilly and gives her a frozen waffle to gnaw on. “Dude, my back is killing me.”

“At least you slept on the couch!” Luca says, twisting in his seat, trying to crack his back. “The floor was not comfortable.”

“I thought it was comfy,” Arthur says around a bite of bacon, fresh out of the microwave. “Ow that was hot!”

“Yeah, little dude, that’s what happens when you don’t let it cool first.”

They manage to get four cups of coffee out of the fancy espresso machine without breaking it. It’s good news because no one wants to explain to their Captain how and why they broke it. It was risky, but the need for caffeine overrides the fear of the wrath of Ilya Rozanov.

The kids are loud and awake, but relatively calm all things considered. They keep making waffles and bacon and refilling plastic cups with juice until most of the kids wander back into the living room, or head upstairs to where their overnight bags are to find games to play.

Ruby and Jade are the last ones to wake up, stumbling into the kitchen together as the last batch of bacon comes out of the microwave.

“Do you think it’s actually working?” Ruby asks without preamble. “All the parenting lessons we’re doing?”

“Um,” Young says.

“Like,” Jade picks up the thread. “Are they actually learning anything? Or are we just putting ourselves in situations?”

LaPointe snorts out a laugh. “I mean, for sure we’re in situations. I’ve never been more in a situation than I am right now, actually.”

“I think they’re learning,” Luca says. “They let us use their house to babysit twelve kids. I don’t think a year ago that would have happened.”

“All the outlet covers and child safety handles are still here from last fall,” Young offers. “Which, in hindsight, go us.”

“Why are you worried about the plan?” Holmberg asks.

Ruby slumps against the counter, resting her head in her hands. “I don’t know.” 

They all look to Jade, but she just shrugs and rips a waffle into bites without bothering with a plate or a napkin.

Then Ruby says, “Can I have a sip of that?” and points to Young’s coffee.

“No,” Young says. “This is mine and I need all of it. Plus, the last time you asked for a sip of my drink you stole my phone and roped me into a crazy months-long scheme.”

***

The snow, which had been coming down steadily yesterday, seems to have stopped. Outside is a beautiful blanket of white, fresh snow. No one thinks much of it at first. 

They clean up from breakfast and let the kids have the run of the house for a while. The Pike twins sit on their phones. There’s a group sitting at the table coloring. Another contingent is camped out in the living room letting Amber boss them around. A third group is running around upstairs playing an invented version of tag that sounds like a herd of elephants from below. So long as nothing breaks, they figure it’s a safe enough bet.

At some point, Young takes Tilly upstairs for a diaper change and comes back with a baby snowsuit. “Did you know Caitlin packed one of these for both girls?”

“It’s February?” Holmberg says, draining the last of his third cup of coffee. “It would be weird to not have a winter coat.”

“No, dude, look,” Young says. He puts Tilly on the floor to crawl around and lays the snowsuit on the counter. “It’s not a jacket, it’s like a full moon suit.”

“Oh shit, that’s cute,” LaPointe says. “We should put her in it.”

There’s a loud thwump from upstairs followed by three full seconds of silence. Then, someone is crying and at least two sets of little feet are coming downstairs at full speed.

Walker makes it into the kitchen first. “It’s not my fault!”

Olivia skids in right behind him, yelling, “He pushed me!”

“You were cheating!”

“You can’t cheat at hide and seek.”

“Uh-huh, you can! And you did! Cheater!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Holmberg says, stepping in between them. “Break it up.”

Before they can get a handle on that, Arthur comes flying in from the dining room with Milo hot on his heels. “Luca, can you make him stop copying me!” he grits out.

Milo giggles and repeats, “Stop copying me!”

Arthur whirls around, “I told you to stop that!”

“Told you stop that!”

“He’s not listening!”

“Not listening!” Milo practically sings. His grin threatens to split his face, he’s so pleased with his new game.

Arthur, red in the face, slaps a hand over his mouth and looks as though he’s attempting to explode Milo with his mind. Luca’s a little worried he might succeed. He steps in between them and squats down in front of Arthur. “Go, um, well, nowhere in here is quiet, but find somewhere less loud? I’ll keep Milo here so he can’t follow you.”

Arthur nods and storms off to the pantry, of all places, slamming the door behind him.

“Wait, we can play in there?” Henry asks. He jumps down from Aiden’s back, the two of them having wandered downstairs when Olivia and Walker didn’t return to play their game.

“Did you come down the stairs on his back?” LaPointe asks, mildly horrified at having to tell either of their parents how they broke a limb falling down hardwood stairs. He has a sudden flash of sympathy for his mother.

Aiden smiles, “Yeah, but don’t worry, I’m really really strong.” He starts flexing his biceps to prove his point. Henry joins him, little tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration.

“Why the hell did we agree to this?” Holmberg mutters. 

“Swear jar!” call at least three voices, he’s not sure which ones.

In the two seconds his attention is split, Walker moves to shove Olivia again. She takes two steps back with the force of being caught off-guard, then growls, “Walker Chouinard I am going to end you.”

He leaps back as she rushes him, thwarted by Holmberg sweeping her into the air. He makes a mental note to thank Wiebe for all the conditioning; Olivia weighs nothing in his arms. He sets her to sit on the counter and turns back to see Walker retreating into the family room at top speed.

“Arrest him!” Amber calls from the living room. Moments later, Walker is shuffled back in by Susie and Scarlett.

Amber follows them and declares at top volume, “Gabe! We need you to be jail! Walker is our prisoner because he knocked over the blanket fort!”

“Amber, we’re a little busy right now, so-”

He’s cut off by Olivia, still angry, yelling from the counter top, “Lock him away in the dungeons!”

Amber gets a dangerous glean in her eyes and runs over to the pantry. “Let’s put him in here!”

Luca and Gabe both lunge to say something about not disturbing her brother who needs a minute, but they’re too late. She flings the door open and Arthur yells, “Get out!”

Amber puts her hands on her hips, “You get out. We need the pantry to be jail. What are you even doing in here anyway?”

Walker wriggles free of his captors and whips his shirt off to to start flexing with Aiden and Henry. All three of them are laughing, making faces and pulling poses.

Olivia mutters, “Boys are dumb,” which makes Holmberg choke back a laugh.

Arthur answers, “I was taking a minute by myself.” His arms are crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed at his little sister.

Halfway across the kitchen, Milo yells, “By myself!”

Luca thunks his head on the countertop in defeat.

“Hey, can we, like, do something? I’m bored,” Ruby says coming in to join the circus with Jade on her tail.

“Are you kidding me?” Young asks, gesturing to the chaos happening around him.

“No? I really am bored.”

“We’re a little busy at the moment,” LaPointe calls over his shoulder, trying to shove shirts back on to the boys because he feels like that’s something everyone should be wearing.

“Also, I thought you two were in the den. Where did you just come from?” Young asks.

“We were trying to break in to the office,” Jade says easily, opening the fridge. “But it’s locked.”

“Oh my god,” Luca says. Milo tugs on his pants until he gets lifted to sit on the counter next to Olivia.

“What did you want in there?” Young asks, eyes narrowing as he walks backward to usher Arthur the rest of the way out of the pantry and shut that door behind him.

“Don’t worry about it!” Ruby says, grabbing a phone off the counter and ducking into the hallway.

“Because that’s not suspicious at all. Hey, what are you-”

Jade smiles and cracks open her soda. “Do you know you’re missing a kid?” she asks.

“Not funny,” Young deadpans.

Next to him, Holmberg starts to count heads. He restarts twice with everyone moving before giving up to yell out, “Hey! Roll call! Say here when I call your name.”

“Jade Pike!”

“Here!” There’s a devious grin on her face.

“Ruby Pike!”

“Here,” she calls distractedly.

“Arthur Pike!”

“Here,” he says. It’s followed by Milo’s echoing and giggly “Here!”

“Okay, Milo Boodram accounted for. Um, Amber Pike!”

“Here!”

“Aiden Chouinard! Walker Chouinard!”

“Here!” “Here!”

“Scarlett Chouinard!”

“Here!”

“Olivia Boyle!”

“Here.”

“Henry Boyle!”

“Here!”

“Susie Dykstra!”

“Here!”

“Tilly Dykstra!”

Susie sings, “Tilly can’t talk yetttttt.”

Holmberg sighs and says, “Okay, well who’s got her then?” 

There’s a few seconds where nine kids and four adults scan the space for a missing baby. Young says, “Oh Evan is going to kill us for real.” Luca looks like he’s going to throw up.

LaPointe says, “I can’t believe we really lost a kid.” He’s opening the cabinets above the counter, in case Tilly gained superpowers that let her climb up there somehow.

The twins take pity on them after about thirty seconds. “I said you lost a kid,” Jade says. “This isn’t a we situation.”

“Not the time for jokes, kid,” Holmberg says. “Once again, you promised to be helpful this weekend.”

“I am being helpful!” she protests. “Ruby’s playing with her in the hallway.”

They rush out of the kitchen, the gaggle of children following behind them. Sure enough, Ruby is sitting on the floor with Tilly, taking pictures of her with funny Snapchat filters.

“Oh, hey guys,” Ruby says. “What’s up?”

“Alright,” LaPointe decides. “That’s it. Everyone, upstairs, dress for outside. We’re going to have Outside Screaming Time until it’s dark out!”

There’s a charge of footsteps up the stairs, leaving the four of them alone at the bottom of the staircase with the baby. 

“Outside Screaming Time?” Young asks.

LaPointe shrugs, “My mom had me and my brother do it all the time. With any luck it’ll tire them out enough to fall asleep early. We just need to make it to the morning.”

***

By some miracle, they get everyone suited up for the snow in under an hour. Each kid gets a toaster waffle as fuel once their last pieces of gear are on. Despite the accidental,  extremely temporary loss of Tilly, and the general chaos of the morning, the rookies aren’t complete idiots. They know about snow and ice and cold. They make sure the kids are in warm layers and snow pants and jackets and hats and gloves and scarves. The little ones are bundled so much they waddle a little. Tilly can barely move; she’s a little snow starfish.

There’s about a foot and a half of snow outside; some of it fresh, some of it from earlier in the week. The kids all run out and start shrieking and making up the rules to an elaborate game that will most certainly devolve into a snowball fight.

The sun is bright, the sky is clear, the air is clean and crisp; it’s a good day.

Young brushes snow off the back step of the deck so he can sit down and observe. Supervise, like the adult he’s supposed to be. LaPointe is trying to make Tilly into a snow angel, and Holmberg and Haas stayed inside to attempt a little round of cleanup.

He doesn’t track the time passing, content to breathe in fresh air and listen to the kids play. After some time (LaPointe has given up on the snow angel and is now trying to build a chair for Tilly to sit in), Milo breaks from the group and comes to sit next to him on the step.

“What’s your name again?” he asks, completely unabashed in the way only toddlers can be. It’s a lot probably, Young reasons, being three years old and shuffled off to babysitters you only kind of know.

“I’m Connor. What’s up, little buddy?”

Milo thinks for a minute, his little eyebrows drawing together. “It’s very loud at this house.”

Connor nods seriously, “It really is. Not used to this many kids around all the time?”

“At my house, it’s just me and Mommy and Daddy.”

He throws an arm around Milo’s shoulders, “Us only children have got to stick together. We can show Cap and Hollzy it’s not so bad, right?”

“Who’s that?”

“Oh, um,” Connor stalls out. He has no idea what Milo calls Shane and Ilya. They’re uncles to the Pikes, for sure, but Chouinard boys tend to full-name them for some reason. “You know, like Shane and Ilya?”

“I have an Uncle Ilya,” Milo says. “He plays hockey with Daddy.”

Uncles it is, then. “That’s it! You and me gotta show your uncles that being an only child isn’t all that bad, okay? I need you as my partner in crime.”

“Partner in crime,” Milo repeats, testing the phrase out on his tongue. Connor thinks there’s going to be more after that, maybe some sweet insight he can take back to the Pike kids as proof that being an only child isn’t a developmental death sentence. But Milo just turns and says, “I’m gonna go play now,” and waddles back across the yard to make snow angels with Susie and Scarlett.

Young laughs to himself, then cups his hands and calls across the yard. “Hey Ruby! Steal Gabe’s phone and play photographer for us! This is good content!”

***

Centaurs Daycare🍼

4:42 pm

Gabe

[image attached: Tilly, propped up in a snow chair, unable to move but grinning with rosy cheeks]

[image attached: a lopsided snowman built with the help of the rookies. It stands taller than all the kids - both Jade and Milo (tallest and shortest kids) are shown for scale.]

[image attached: a snowball fight. The kids are split in two teams, though it’s unclear who’s really on which side. Everyone is blurry from running and grinning. LaPointe is nailing Young with a shot to the chest.]

[image attached: Arthur, Aiden, Olivia, and Amber, all laying back making snow angels]

[image attached: a group picture, taken selfie-style with LaPointe’s long arms, of all the kids and rookies. Some are standing, some are lying flat on their backs, some are still busy making snowballs.]

Twelve people loved the messages.

Caitlin

Wow! Exercise AND fresh air? You boys are killing it!

Jackie

Don’t let my kids trick you, they absolutely know how to get out of wet snow gear by themselves.

Nick

Mine too!

Zane

Okay well mine does not so please don’t leave him in his snow boots overnight

Luca

👍

***

Everyone heads back inside for good when the sun starts to set. They’d been in and out all afternoon to use the bathroom and grab a drink or snack, but the rules of Outside Screaming Time were very clear about being outside for as much time as possible.

The kids leave their wet gear in the mud room; everyone’s layers coming off into one giant pile. Luca makes a passing comment that they should go hang things up, or try to sort them by family, but they have bigger priorities.

The kids gather at the base of the stairs, feet dragging, eyes wide and blinking slow. 

“Okay team,” Holmberg says, trying to do his best imitation of Bood. “We have three things to figure out. First up: dinner. Does everyone like mac and cheese?”

It’s a testament to how tired they all are that there is no group cheering that takes three minutes to refocus from. Everyone just nods, smiling at the thought of warm food after a day in the cold.

“Already on it,” LaPointe says, pulling out his phone.

“Okay, second thing,” Holmberg says. “Does anyone here want to shower? We were outside all day and got sweaty.”

“Shit, I didn’t even think about that for the kids,” Young says quietly.

“You weren’t going to shower?” Luca whispers back.

“No! I just didn’t think about how the kids also need to shower. How’s that going to work?”

Jade and Ruby raise their hands without question. Olivia clocks that and raises hers too, no doubt trying to fit in with the older girls. After a moment, Arthur joins them. 

Holmberg surveys the group. “Alright, there’s what? Three bathrooms? So, take turns and promise not to drown on us. If you choose not to shower you must pass the sniff test. And everyone needs pajamas.”

“What’s the third thing?” Amber asks.

“The third thing is that everyone sleeps in a bed tonight,” Holmberg says.

Scarlett pouts, “Why? The couch was fun.”

“Because we’re mixing it up tonight. It’s gonna be like four of you to a bed but I’m sure you can figure that out.”

“Thank god,” Luca mutters, leaning to crack his back.

Holmberg breaks them with a “Go team!” and the kids head upstairs to get showered and changed. LaPointe follows them with Tilly in his arms for a diaper change.

Young knocks his shoulder into Holmberg’s. “Nice speech, Cap.”

“What? I didn’t-”

Luca gives him the wide-eyed look that the vets still think is innocent and says, “Was that not an audition? It was very moving.”

“Shut the fuck up. I wasn’t- Well, I mean maybe I was trying to sound a little like Bood but-”

Young snorts, “Chill, dude. We’ve got to make like, four gallons of mac and cheese, freak out about leadership after that.”

“For what it’s worth,” Luca says. “I do feel ready to win the game against this fancy stove in overtime.”

***

Ruby wanders downstairs to the smell of mac and cheese and realizes that yes, she really is that hungry. She’s come away from games less hungry and tired than she is right now, which is surprising for some reason. They haven’t even done that much.

Jade’s still upstairs getting dressed. The two of them waited to shower last so they could help the little ones into pajamas. Despite the snarky comments from Holmberg and Young, they are actually trying to be helpful where they can.

There’s a pot of mac and cheese on the stove that’s so big the lip of it comes up to her eyebrows. She drags a stool from the breakfast bar over to serve herself a bowl. She gets one for Jade too.

“How many boxes did you make?” she asks, wandering into the dining room.

“Like fifteen,” Young says.

“Fifteen!”

“No, no,” LaPointe says. “That’s not actually that much. The four of us can eat like two boxes a piece, right? So that’s eight. And then at least you and Jade will eat most of a box each, which is ten. So then that’s five boxes between ten kids, and Tilly and Milo are barely splitting half a box between them.”

The math checks out, Ruby thinks. She nods and shoves another bite in her mouth.

“Plus, Pointy ordered like thirty boxes, so we can always make more,” Young says, pushing Tilly’s bowl closer so she can grab more noodles with her hands.

Dinner is a quiet affair compared to the night before. It’s not silent by any means, but everyone eats and no major fights break out. After everyone is fed, they decamp to the den to put on a movie. Instead of a group decision, Young just takes the remote and decides for everyone that it’s going to be Shrek. (“It’s kind of like what we watched last night! There’s a princess!”)

The rookies take turns rotating out of the room to clean the kitchen and shower themselves. The dishes get stacked in a messy pile on a kitchen towel next to the sink and the chairs in the dining room get pushed in. The pile of wet snow clothes even gets laid out on a table in the laundry room to dry properly.

Half the kids are asleep before Fiona turns into an ogre for the first time. They start ferrying sleeping kids to guest room beds. Most of them don’t wake up at all, and the ones that do barely open their eyes to make grabby hands for a doll or stuffed animal they need to sleep.

The credits roll and Ruby and Jade are the only ones left. They’re not asleep, but they’re not really awake either. Holmberg shuts off the TV and says “Come on, bedtime.”

Jade cracks a little grin, “You carried all the other kids up.”

“Yeah,” Ruby says. “It’s not fair if you make us walk.”

Young and LaPointe fold immediately. The girls climb on their backs and giggle sleepily the whole way up the stairs. They get dropped off in the doorway of the third guest room where Tilly and Milo are already sound asleep.

“Sorry you got stuck with the babies,” Haas says.

The girls shrug. At least it’s not Amber who will absolutely kick them all night long. They climb in to the bed together and are asleep before the footsteps fade down the hall.

***

Centaurs Daycare🍼

9:02 pm

Luca

[image attached: guest room number one. Arthur, Aiden, Walker and Henry asleep in a king-sized bed, hair mussed and cheeks smushed into pillows. Walker is twisted in blankets so much he’s basically upside down.]

[image attached: guest room number two. Olivia, Amber, Susie and Scarlett asleep in a king-sized bed, rosy-cheeked and hair still damp. Susie and Scarlett are holding hands on the pillow between them.]

[image attached: guest room number three. Tilly is asleep in her pack n play, Milo’s face peeks out from behind a barricade of pillows meant to keep him from falling off the edge of the king-sized bed, and Ruby and Jade are curled together on the other half of the bed, mouths parted.]

[image attached: selfie of the rookies in the den. TV behind them shows the start screen of the most current NHL game.]

Don’t worry! We muted the TV so it doesn’t wake any of the kids up.

Twelve people loved the messages.

Amanda

Asleep before 9pm!

Selena

Yeah seriously what’s the secret

Hayden

Remember that yelling at the video game will ALSO wake the kids up

Ilya

Oh you know this from experience, Pike?

***

There’s a knock on the door early the next morning. Arthur looks around the kitchen. He wiggled out of bed about an hour ago and came downstairs to toast the rest of the waffles. Almost everyone is still asleep, he thinks. The only other person downstairs with him is Scarlett.

There’s another knock at the door, louder this time. Arthur looks to Scarlett for a solution, even though he’s older. She blinks back at him like she doesn’t understand the question he’s trying to ask with his eyes.

“Do we answer it?” he asks with words.

“I’m not supposed to answer the door at my house,” Scarlett says. Arthur is suddenly struck by the fact that Amber is basically the same age and has apparently never followed a single rule in her life.

Probably, he reasons, he also shouldn’t answer the door without an adult. But technically, he doesn’t think his parents have ever said that explicitly. And even if they have and he’s forgotten, this isn’t technically his house.

The knock comes a third time and Arthur opens it.

On the doorstep are Cassie and Bood, with four boxes of Timbits and a tray of hot coffees. Behind them, Arthur can see his own parents getting out of the car.

“Um,” he says. “Do you want to come in?”

Cassie smiles brightly and says, “That would be great!”

He steps back to let them in and hears Jackie call up to him from the driveway to say, “Arthur James I know you didn’t open that door without an adult!” He fumbles for an excuse, thoughts scattering the moment he realizes he’s been caught. But then Jackie makes it to the door and drops a kiss on his head and says, “Hi my baby, how was your weekend?” and he thinks he’s forgiven.

There’s enough noise in the lower level of the house that the rest of the kids come downstairs. The rookies follow, barely saying anything other than “Hi, thank you, please take your kids,” as they beeline for coffee. The Timbits are good; there are enough boxes that Amber can’t steal all the chocolate ones from him.

The other parents arrive within half an hour. The Boyles seemingly had the same idea as the Boodrams, so there are plenty of coffees and donuts to go around.

“Well,” Evan says. “You all survived, which is impressive.”

Nick laughs, “Yeah, thanks for that by the way. Now we all owe Hayes fifty bucks.”

“You bet on us accidentally killing your children!?”

“No, we bet on you tapping out before the weekend was over,” Boyle clarifies, gesturing with a donut. 

Holmberg shares a glance with LaPointe that suggests they didn’t know tapping out was an option. Arthur laughs at the thought that no one’s parents would have just left them here if something went wrong.

“I guess it’s nice that Hazy believes in us,” Luca muses.

Selena snorts, “That’s because he and Lisa don’t have kids.” Without looking, she moves her hand to stop Walker from smashing his head into the edge of the countertop. 

From the other end of the island, Ruby snorts, “Just don’t tell them about how you lost Tilly.”

Young whips his head towards her and says, “Okay, just for that we’re enemies again.” Ruby sticks her tongue out at him.

For their part, Evan and Caitlin don’t seem scandalized by this revelation. Caitlin shrugs, shifting Tilly higher on her waist and says, “Well, she’s here now and in one piece.”

Things get moving after most of the coffees are done. The older kids are sent upstairs to shove the rest of their things into backpacks and bring them back down. The snow clothes in the laundry room are claimed by the correct families. Jackets and hats and shoes go on and car by car peels out of the driveway and down the street.

The Pikes are (unsurprisingly) the last kids left. Arthur pulls Holmberg to the side and hands him a sheet of paper.

“What’s this?” Holmberg asks, glancing down the page.

“Follow-up questions for Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya,” Arthur says. “Can you ask them for me? Mom said we aren’t going to wait for them to get home.”

“Sure thing little dude, I’ll let you know what they say.”

Arthur nods, pleased that his part of the plan is running smoothly, even if the weekend itself was kind of all over the place. Then he goes to find his jacket and make his way to the car.

***

It’s dark out by the time Shane and Ilya make it back home. All-Stars weekend is always fun; the memories, the competition, and now, the being out and (subtly, classily) rubbing it in everyone’s faces. They’d said goodbye to Wyatt at the airport and driven home in that peaceful, comfortable kind of silence.

Shane would be lying if he weren’t a little worried about what they were coming home to find. Obviously, the rookies are good kids, but that’s just it; yes, they’re adults technically but they’re all so young. When Shane was Luca’s age, he’d never even held a baby outside of a quick photo-op, much less joint-babysat enough kids to play a full-roster hockey game.

He grabs his and Ilya’s bags from the trunk of the Jeep and follows his husband to the front door. Ilya enters the code and they walk into a quiet and dark house.

Ilya furrows his brow, “Young’s car is still outside.”

Shane sets the bags down and toes off his shoes. They wander together though the dark house. The kids had sent pictures all weekend, and there weren’t any distress signals or weirdly vague apologies, so he knows everything went fine. It’s still reassuring to see everything intact.

They find the kids in the den, passed out on the couches. Ilya grins, the wide and toothy smile that never fails to make Shane’s heart skip a beat, and whips his phone out to take a picture.

Ilya has his ringer on, because he loses his phone too much to keep it on vibrate, and the camera shutter wakes everyone up.

“Oh, hey Cap,” Young says, scrubbing a hand over his face. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s their house, dumbass,” LaPointe says, throwing a pillow at him.

Young flips him off. “Shut up, dude. I’m so tired.”

“Kids are exhausting, yes?” Ilya asks.

Luca squints at them, “Yes they are. Do you both know this?”

“Well, we don’t normally babysit twelve,” Shane says. “But yes, we do know how tiring even one kid can be.”

“That’s good,” Luca says, nodding.

“While we’re asking questions,” Holmberg says. Which, Shane didn’t think they were, but okay. “Was it weird to be away all weekend knowing all the kids were at your house?”

“Sure,” Shane offers. “Weird in that it’s never happened before, but we trusted you guys. We weren’t worried.”

Ilya nods. “Was good practice for us anyway.”

Shane shoots him a look. That is the reason they agreed to this odd plan in the first place; so they could get used to letting go of some of the tight control they have on their home. Inviting in chaos in small doses as a way to get used to the big, all-at-once dose that was hopefully coming this summer. They’re both a little worried it’s going to fall through, so they haven’t told anyone yet, not even Jackie and Hayden. They definitely aren’t telling the rookies, and that was suspiciously close to telling them.

Ilya shoots him a look back that Shane reads instantly. Ilya loves and adores these kids; his first group of rookies when he joined this team. They’re great on the ice and foundational in the team culture Ilya wants to cultivate as captain. They’re also really young, and well, idiots feels harsh but if the shoe fits. Ilya thinks he could probably say the words out loud and the kids still wouldn’t get it.

(He’s so wrapped in the argument with his husband, he completely misses the looks the kids are giving each other at Ilya’s comment.)

“Practice for what?” Holmberg asks.

Ilya smiles, “Ah, we are thinking that Anya gets lonely sometimes when we are away. Maybe adopting five or six wild animals will keep her company. I want monkeys, but Shane votes for pack of wolves.”

Shane rolls his eyes, but can’t completely hide his smile. He changes the subject, “Really, though, everything went okay?”

Young nods, “Oh, yeah. Like, they were constantly screaming and only about half of them showered and we lost Tilly for a minute and I don’t think anyone had a vegetable, like, at all. But they had fun! And so did we. I think.”

The other three nod their agreement. LaPointe says, “Yeah, thanks for the grocery delivery by the way that was clutch we did not think about any food ahead of time.”

“You are welcome, was no- Wait, you lost the baby?” Ilya asks. Shane is curious about that one too.

“Only for like a minute!” Luca says. “She was fine. Evan and Caitlin weren’t even mad.”

Shane decides he’s not touching that. If the baby’s parents are fine, it’s fine. He probably wouldn’t be as calm if it was his kid but… 

He watches Luca swallow down a yawn, and it catches like wildfire. “Go home, guys,” Shane says. “Seems like you did a good job this weekend. Go and get some real sleep.”

They don’t have to be told twice. They grab bags and coats and shoes and all climb into Young’s car. Ilya sees them to the door, and Shane heads in to the kitchen to start putting away the mountain of bowls and cups on the counter.

He gets about halfway through when he feels Ilya’s arms around his waist and he leans back on instinct. “Was a good experiment, no?” Ilya says.

“I think so,” Shane says. “Like, obviously it’ll be different, but we can survive being away I think. Plus, looks like all the team kids get along well, so what’s one more, you know?”

***

Pike Kids Are Smarter Than You

7:34 pm

Holmberg

[image attached: the bottom half of the paper Arthur gave him earlier in the day. Holmberg has written: “Things they learned: being away from home is hard, but having kids is hard too.”]

Update: they might be adopting more than one kid. There was a weird comment about wild animals

***

Centaurs Daycare🍼

7:36 pm

Ilya

[image attached: four rookies, sound asleep on the couches in the den.]

Daycare is officially closed for business.

Chapter End Notes

yo, i have so much respect for the script writers of Cheaper by the Dozen (foundational movie of my childhood btw). the line i gave shane about eleven no wait twelve kids? that's in there because i legit thought i made eleven kids up, and had written the number out like ten times before i realized i was miscounting my own list of original child characters. (i actually love writing kids but woof this was a doozy)

this chapter was about four different things before i landed on this plot, and even that's changed a couple of times. blood, sweat, and tears, baby. but we're in the endgame now! i've put a chapter count on this because the path forward has been illuminated to me. will it change? maybe! but for now that's the plan.

and part of that plan is the bonus brand new point of view! everyone say hi to #myshane on the precipice of parenthood. i knew from the start we would hear from shane and ilya eventually, but i wanted us to work for it. this seemed like the moment to dip our toe in so to say.

i had four tabs open the whole time i was writing this chapter. they were: the nhl site that lists teams by division, the wikipedia page for the descendants movies, the wikipedia page for shrek, and a website that tells you the typical sunrise/sunset times for ottawa in february. research for minute details is my passion.

if you have questions about any of the fictional children i made up, please lmk. i have weirdly detailed backstories for them. most of that didn't make it into the fic because we had a plot to do and frankly i was just trying to give them all somewhat equal screentime.

anyway! that's all for now. love you lots and come say hi on tumblr💜

Chapter 10: Redux

Chapter Summary

*record scratch*

Chapter Notes

any russian is google translate! it's not a lot but if it's wrong please forgive me and/or lmk so i can fix it!

Nine months ago…

“Hey,” Shane says, propping himself up on one arm to stare down at his husband in bed. “I have an idea.”

Ilya grins back at him, and Shane knows exactly what he’s thinking about. It’s part of the reason he wanted to start this conversation this way. “Last time you said this to me, Hollander, I moved countries.”

Shane can’t help but smile back at him. He leans down to press a kiss to his mouth, just because he can. It’s summer, they’re at the cottage, and with every year that passes, Shane is just waiting for it to stop feeling like a dream; he’s in bed with his husband, they’re deliriously in love and out to the world. In so many ways, it feels like they weren’t supposed to have this. Shane is so, so glad they do.

“We should have a baby,” he says, without fanfare.

Ilya shuffles to flip them, pinning Shane on his back and saying, “It hasn’t taken yet, but we can keep trying.”

“No, no,” Shane says. He wants to keep the conversation on track, for all that he feels desire lick up his spine from the pressure of Ilya’s body covering his. “Well, not no. Later, yes. But I’m serious. We should have a baby.”

“You don’t want to wait until we retire?” Ilya asks. And it’s a fair question. That had been the plan up until this morning.

Except, this morning, Hayden called to share the news that they closed on a house in Ottawa, the last step in his move to the Centaurs for the upcoming season. Shane was thrilled, of course, that they would be able to see the Pikes more frequently. He and Ilya both loved being uncles. But then Shane’s brain had done the math. Hayden’s move would bring the number of dads on the team up one more. It would introduce four more kids into the wild, roving band of children at team barbecues and events.

The last few years had opened Shane up to wanting. He’d always allowed himself to want to win, but getting married and choosing a life he couldn’t have pictured for himself at 18 flipped everything on his head. Choosing Ilya meant choosing something for himself, not what everyone expected of him. Apparently, once those gates opened, there was no closing them.

Because now the muscle that gave into Shane’s wants was strong. And Shane wanted to start a family with the love of his life. He wanted to look out at the lawn on team barbecues and see a little version of them running around with the rest of the kids. He wanted to still be able to teach his kid how to play hockey, and not be the oldest parent at every game. If they wait until retirement, Jackie and Hayden would be grandparents when Shane and Ilya become parents.

Instead of saying all of that, Shane looks up at his husband and says, “No one else waits until they’re retired to have kids.”

Ilya laughs, but he agrees, “No, they do not.” He pushes his weight into Shane just a little more, and Shane feels his bones turn liquid. “I am saying yes,” Ilya says. “I am sure you have lots of research and ideas about how to get a baby, but I think we should wait until the morning, yes? Make sure one last time that I can’t get you pregnant?”

Shane, actually, does not have any research done. He came up with this idea and rolled it around in his head for nine hours, picturing little skates and Ilya’s curls on squishy cheeks and decided he would make it happen. Research can happen tomorrow.

For now, he pushes back against Ilya’s grip, just to test his hold, and says, “You gonna knock me up, Rozanov?”

***

“A baby!” Jackie cries. She’s grinning at them, hands flat on the table next to her plate.

Ilya watches Shane duck his head and say, “Or an older kid, we haven’t completely decided yet.”

The truth of the matter is, a baby would likely mean surrogacy, and then dealing with an infant while they both still play. An older kid would mean adoption. Every child has unique needs, Shane’s research emphasized, but at least with an older kid they could explain their jobs, and talk to them on the phone every night on the road they way the rest of the dads do. It felt shameful to admit in some ways, but a baby seemed harder. Having a kid would be difficult regardless, but maybe they didn’t need to further stack the deck against themselves.

Ilya swallows his bite of chicken and says, “Yes, we are thinking maybe older. Would be nice for them to be close in age to their cousins, I think.”

There’s a scuffling sound like the Pike kids are hurrying up the stairs. Ilya doesn’t think anything of it, really. Those kids are always playing some complicated game that requires almost as much time planning as it does playing.

“Just one?” Hayden asks.

Ilya nods, “Not everyone wants too many kids for a normal car.”

Hayden snorts, “Like the two of you wouldn’t love to have a full hockey team terrorizing the local Timbits league.”

“It’s a shame you can’t have them biologically,” Jackie says, taking a sip of her water. “Can you imagine the hockey phenom you could create?” She says it idly, like the thought hasn’t been plaguing Ilya for years.

Shane puts on a hurt expression and looks at Jackie when he says, “That’s actually a really sensitive topic for us.”

Ilya cackles and hooks his ankle around Shane’s under the table.

***

моя любовь❤️

10:02 am

Shane

Are you still at the store?

Ilya

Yes do we need something else?

Shane

More ice, I think

Ilya

[image attached: the trunk of Ilya’s car, filled with six big bags of ice]

***

Shane thinks, not for the first time, that he’s glad Cassie and Bood like to host as much as they do. He understands the importance of hosting the team and their families. Ilya’s a great captain, there was never any chance they weren’t going to do it at least a few times a season.

But, shit, Shane is exhausted. It’s not the bone-deep exhaustion after a playoff game, or even the slow, settled tired of a good practice. It’s not in his body at all, the feeling just swimming around in his brain making him restless.

Ilya comes in from the kitchen and braces his hands on the back of the couch to give Shane an upside-down kiss. Shane mumbles “C’mere” against his lips, and feels a rush of affection when Ilya vaults over the couch instead of walking around it so they don’t have to break contact with one another.

They lie on the couch for a while, Ilya’s head resting above Shane’s heart, like the perfect weighted blanket.

Shane’s almost asleep, when Ilya says, “Do you know what I was picturing today?”

“What?”

“Looking out into the backyard and seeing our kid playing with all the others.”

“Oh, yeah?” Shane smiles.

“Mhm, a little toddler with spiky black hair and freckles.”

This was becoming a familiar conversation; they each want a kid that looks like the other. “Alright,” Shane says. “You can keep the freckles this time, but I want curly blonde hair.”

***

“You are bullying my rookies?” Ilya asks, craning his neck up to look at Amber, now perched on his shoulders. She giggles the start of a response as he gently pinches her sides. “Good. Their egos were getting too big.”

Predictably, the four kids in front of him start to protest. Young looks particularly offended, his mouth dropped open. Amber giggles louder.

He puts on a mock-stern expression for her sake and says, “Loud tall babies, be nice to my Amber. She is a top five Pike.”

He leaves them with that, listens to them squabble about what he means as he walks Amber back over to her parents. She climbs down from his shoulders with more grace than anticipated and promptly sits on Shane’s lap on the bench.

Ruby and Jade are doing some twin thing, where they’re turning to stare at the rookies across the room, but Ilya doesn’t spare it more than a passing thought because Amber says to Shane, “Uncle Ilya said I was his Amber and since you two are married does that mean I’m your Amber too?”

“If Uncle Ilya said it, it must be true,” Shane says, squeezing Amber’s shoulder and smiling at Ilya.

Amber nods and leans back against him. “Good,” she says. “Because you guys are my Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya.”

Ilya feels pressure build behind his eyes, watching Shane talk so gently with Amber. Ilya has to distract himself by saying something to piss off Hayden. He has a reputation in this locker room, after all.

***

Twitter’s Favorite Polycule

8:23 pm

Hayden

Dropping four criminals off at your house tomorrow morning!

Ilya

What are the charges?

Hayden

Being loud and insane when they needed to be helpful and do what they were asked the first time without fighting

Jackie

And leaving behind one single lego brick for their mother to step on at the end of a long day

Ilya

I see

We will provide lots of sugar and screen time as punishment!

Shane

What time are you dropping them off?

Hayden

Probably 9:30/10ish

Jackie

You laugh now but just wait until you’re at your wits end with one of your own

Shane

Can’t we just drop them with you then?

Ilya

You have so many kids already, you won’t even notice one more

Hayden

We have a normal amount of kids!

***

“Of course you brought Luca. Four of you are extremely codependent.”

“Codependent?” Shane asks, rounding the corner into the kitchen from where he had been resetting the living room. “Who taught you that word- Uh, hey guys. Why are you in our house?”

The four rookies are standing near the breakfast bar with Amber, looking nervous. His husband is pointing a spatula at them with the confidence of a man holding a sword. Ruby and Jade come up behind him, barely suppressing their laughter.

Ilya says, “Troy did. I think he was trying to insult me. Now, tall loud babies, answer Shane’s question.”

LaPointe steps forward and starts to ramble out an odd story about being nervous at the start of the season. Which, is weird considering that they’ve been on the team for a few years at this point. Weirder still that they didn’t go to Bood’s house if they needed a home cooked meal. 

Something in their eyes looks like real nerves, though, so Shane takes pity and says, “Normally we’d love to have you over for dinner but we’re watching Hayden’s kids tonight.”

“What he said. Goodbye.”

“Ilya!” Shane takes the spatula out of his hand. 

Ilya gives him a look that reads says he knows Shane doesn’t actually want to let the kids stay for dinner, given that there’s no polite way to kick them out. Shane gives him a flat look back. Out loud, Ilya says, “What? You want us to feed eight children with four boxes of pizza bagels? Is not enough.”

Shane gets the feeling he’s missing something after that. It’s not surprising, really, given how cosmically bad Shane is at reading a room. But after the Pike kids beg for the rookies to stay and the pizza is ordered, even Ilya looks mildly confused. On paper, the evening goes relatively smoothly. They eat pizza and the kids (all eight) want to play video games.

Then Arthur smashes his finger in the drawer. And LaPointe comes back with…baby locks? Shane shares a brief look with Ilya. They definitely aren’t anywhere close enough to becoming parents that they’ve started thinking about baby proofing the house. It’s weird, but helpful in the long run, he supposes.

“Okay! Is late! We take Anya for a walk and then everybody goes home,” Ilya finally says, later on. They stand with all the kids and he adds, just to Shane, “Text Hayden and Jackie.”

Shane has his phone out when the crash sounds from the laundry room. Jade is fine, more rattled than anything. Nothing even broke. And still, something isn’t adding up. They’ve never once put Anya’s leash in the laundry room. It lives on a hook on the back of the coat closet door.

Shane says as much to Ilya while they’re outside, but they’re interrupted by a weirdly specifically helpful Luca Haas, and then distracted by the arrival of Jackie and Hayden.

Ilya shuts the door behind them once everyone leaves and Shane is too tired to investigate it further. Weird doesn’t have to mean bad. It can just mean weird.

“One kid,” Ilya says. 

Shane nods, “I loved being an only child.”

“Good.” They look at each other for a moment, soaking in the silence for the first time in hours. “Not that we couldn’t handle more than one. Pike does and we will be much better parents than him.”

Shane snorts, “Be nice to Hayden. We’re going to need him to babysit.”

***

моя лопатка❤️

4:17 pm

Ilya

Home visit is tomorrow yes?

Shane

Yes

Office confirmed today the social worker would be here at 3

Ilya

Okay I will reschedule with the trainer to make sure I am home in time❤️

***

There were a million things about the last few years that Ilya could have never dreamed even if he tried. There were the big things, of course; they lived together, they worked together, they were trying to adopt and grow a family together. The time he spent apart from his husband in the last year could be counted in hours instead of months, and that probably deserved a parade all its own. 

And yet, it was the little things that seemed to hit him like a brick to the face if he wasn’t careful. Like now, on the plane with their team, Shane is asleep on his shoulder. He has a faded blue hoodie pulled up over his head and the drawstring in his mouth. Their hands are loosely intertwined, resting on Ilya’s thigh.

Ilya hasn’t slept on a plane since they almost went down a few years ago, but Shane doesn’t share those same reservations (and thank god for that). Ilya finds himself here often; watching Shane sleep and drawing small circles on the back of his palm just to feel his sleep-warm skin. It’s such a small thing, really. There’s that all too familiar good-hurt ache in his chest from the rush of affection he feels.

Ilya thinks, for a moment, that this will be a good roadie. This good feeling will follow them and they’ll win every game and find time to go bother Hunter at his bar even though they’re playing out on Long Island.

Then Dillon forgets to check the plane and gets off before Haas and curses the whole thing to hell.

***

“Do you think something is wrong with the babies?”

Shane looks up from his phone. Ilya looks genuinely concerned, frowning into the middle distance. “I think they could be playing better,” he says honestly.

Ilya snorts out a half-laugh, “Probably yes.” He crosses the hotel room to flop down on the bed next to Shane, letting out a frustrated groan. “I think they’re fighting.”

“They’re kids, they’re going to fight.”

“Yes, but this is a real fight, not something stupid like where they’re ordering takeout from after practice.”

Shane raises an eyebrow, “Isn’t this one about a stolen charger?”

“A lost charger, Hollander, keep up,” Ilya says with deep sincerity. They lock eyes for a moment before both dissolving into laughter. 

Shane sets his phone on the side table and leans in to kiss Ilya. It’s light and sweet, both of them smiling into it. Where typically one of them would deepen in, move the night along to mutual orgasms, Shane pulls back.

“Something wrong?” Ilya asks. “You don’t want to suck my dick?”

“I always want to suck your dick,” Shane says seriously. “But I have an idea.”

“An idea that can’t wait until after blowjobs?”

Shane fixes him with a look. “Can you focus for three seconds, please? We can do blowjobs later.”

“Okay, okay. What is this idea?”

“What if we use the kids as practice?”

Ilya blinks, “Practice?”

“Parenting practice,” Shane clarifies. “Babysitting the Pikes is good, but sporadic. We’re always around the rookies. They act like children-”

“-they are children-”

“-enough that we could just…subtly parent them.”

Ilya snorts out a laugh. “Okay, so we use rookies as parenting practice when we’re not watching the Pikes.”

Shane nods, “And maybe we babysit more for the other families on the team. Really get a feel for all the different ages.”

“Sounds like you have done research on this, Hollander.”

Shane ducks his head. “Jackie might have leant me a parenting book she read after Amber was born. I made a notes app note about it.”

Ilya kisses him again. “I love you,” he says. “This is something you want to start now?”

“Well, mediating fights between kids is something the book brings up…”

***

“We are fixing this curse now so that we do not lose to fucking New Jersey tomorrow,” Ilya says to a hotel room full of his rookies, trying to sound more upset than he is. The kids did practice badly today, and playing like they think they’re cursed will be bad for team synergy. It’s not a worthless endeavor by any means.

It’s just that if his old captain from his first years on the Bears had tried to parent him, Ilya would have ripped his throat out, probably. He thinks a twenty-one year old Shane would have hated it just as much. It’s the only thing giving him pause about Shane’s plan. For all that they’re the youngest players, for all that everyone calls them the kids, they are adults.

Young and Haas share a look, like they’re trying to figure out if they’re in trouble or not. Haas shrugs and Young says, “Should we- I mean, do you want us to go?”

“No, stay. This shouldn’t take long,” Shane says. He’s leaning against the wall and he looks so serious, so focused. Ilya wants to bite him.

From the beds, LaPointe and Holmberg begin a breathless, overlapping explanation.

“I forgot my charger in Philly. I realized on the bus this morning.”

“Last time he forgot his charger I lost a tooth! And we went on a losing streak.”

“And then he yelled at me!”

“You cursed me!”

Shane just holds up a hand, fixed to his spot and says in the same calm manner as before, “Okay, okay. We’re trying to fix it, not keep having the same argument.”

The rookies quiet immediately. Something buzzes under Ilya’s skin, like his blood is running a degree hotter than normal. He knows Shane was a good captain in Montreal, but if this is any indication, he’s going to be a fantastic dad. 

Unfortunately, as Pike has told them both now countless times, being a parent means actually parenting has to take precedence over sex. So, instead of dragging Shane by the strings of his hoodie back to their room, he says, “Yes. So, how do we fix it? Holmberg, what would un-curse you?”

***

By the third corner store, Shane begins to regret starting this parenting practice tonight. He stands by the plan, to be clear. But it’s a rainy, miserable night in Newark, New Jersey, and they have a game to play tomorrow.

“Can you fuck off?” LaPointe says behind him, to Holmberg. “You keep bumping into me!”

“Dude, you’re the one not staying on your side of the sidewalk!”

Ilya releases his hand and turns around to walk backwards and says, “Is too late for this. Separate yourselves.”

Shane knows he’s doing an impression of Hayden, repeating a phrase that has gone triple-platinum in the Pike household. Shane grins despite himself, and tries to keep wires from being crossed. If he starts getting hard every time he hears that phrase there are going to be problems.

The kids listen and for the next block all that can be heard is the sad squelching of Haas’s wet sneaker on the pavement. The fourth corner store has the right charger, and with the exception of Young tripping over his own feet onto the hood of a parked car, the rest of the trip is painless.

Standing the in the lobby of the hotel, well past midnight and with the beginnings of a tension headache, Shane looks at LaPointe and says, “Do not lose that charger.”

He realizes a beat too late, watching LaPointe’s eyes go a little wider that he was probably sterner than he needed to be. He finds he’s too tired at this point to really care. Ilya makes them apologize to each other and move past the midnight adventure portion of the evening.

Because Shane isn’t the only rage baiter in this marriage, he turns to his husband and sighs, “Are we good now? Can you sleep knowing the kids aren’t mad at each other anymore?” Like the whole excursion wasn’t his idea to begin with.

The kids start crowing about how much Ilya loves them. It’s obnoxious, and completely true. Yes, they’re planning on adopting an actual child, but Shane knows better than anyone that the four half-drowned ducklings in the lobby are Ilya’s firstborns.

Shane drags him into the stairwell. The second the door slams shut, Ilya crowds him against the wall and starts to lightly bite his neck.

“Ilya, baby, we have to get upstairs so I can suck your dick.”

***

мое зарядное устройство❤️

3:38pm

Shane

[image attached: navy bedspread with lighter blue geometric patterns]

[image attached: tan bedspread with white stripes]

[image attached: white bedspread with pink hearts]

[image attached: dark green bedspread with little yellow ducks]

The designer sent these as options, which do you think is best?

Ilya

[image attached: bedspread with a blown-up picture of Shane on the NHL 16 cover]

This one

Shane

We cannot get our kid a bedspread with my face on it.

Ilya

Okay

[image attached: bedspread with a blown-up picture of Ilya on the NHL 14 cover]

This one then?

Shane

Maybe I’ll tell them to order us all four sets. Then the kid can pick. That’s not crazy is it?

Ilya

No, not crazy sweetheart. Jackie’s book said choices are good for kids.

Shane

You read some of it!

Ilya

No I did not say that

Shane

❤️

3:51pm

Ilya

Would you rather fuck on sheets with your face or my face on them. This website sells them in California king

Shane

I’m not answering that.

Ilya

Good point, I’ll buy both

***

“He didn’t even go to college, Mom. Why would you let him help me with this?” Jade’s voice carries out from the dining room and into the kitchen. If she didn’t sound so upset, Ilya would laugh at Hayden for that.

Amber, who had been waiting for them to pull up and had the front door open before they got out of the car, turns to them now and shrugs, then strides out of the room. 

Ilya shares a look with Shane. It’s not that the Pike kids are perfectly behaved angels every time they’re here - far from it. Lately, dinner at the Pike’s means they spend the car ride home dissecting the choices Jackie and Hayden made to see if they agree with them or not. Ilya thought Shane would be more resistant, given that Hayden is such a good friend, but now Ilya thinks it’s his favorite part of the night.

Shane gives him a wide-eyed look now, completely out of his depth. Ilya feels a similar sense of unease in his gut. He whispers, “Maybe we need to come back later?”

They don’t come back later. Jackie shuffles Jade upstairs for a few minutes and then everyone adjourns to the dining table for dinner. It’s a tense affair, Amber’s nonstop monologuing adding an interesting score to the evening. First-grade playground politics are more confusing than anything happening in the US these days, it seems. Ilya won’t admit it under threat of death, but he’s relieved when the kids scramble upstairs and it’s just them and the adult Pikes at the table.

Jackie followed the kids out of the room to call up the stairs about getting ready for bed, and returns to the table with the bottle of wine she opened earlier in the evening. “Don’t even start,” she says, pointing the bottle at Hayden before refilling her glass. “I’m not in the middle of the season.”

“Babe, you’re good,” Hayden says gently. “I’m jealous, actually.”

Jackie nods and takes a generous sip. “Don’t mind me,” she says to Ilya and Shane. “We’re in the thick of the preteen angst phase. Sorry about whatever you heard earlier.”

Shane shakes his head at the apology. “Don’t worry about it. Does that, um, happen often?”

“I mean, it’s a new flavor of an old concept, really,” Jackie explains. “The real trick is figuring out what they’re upset about.”

“Was it not math homework?”

“No, see, you’re thinking of Amber. When a little kid cries, it’s fairly straightforward; they hurt themselves, they didn’t get what they wanted, someone said something mean.”

Hayden picks up right where Jackie left off. “Yeah, but the older kids? Like the twins? Oh man, it’s like, yes she’s very upset about the math homework. She doesn’t want to be doing it because it’s hard, but if you say that to her it gets worse because it’s not actually about the math homework.”

Ilya feels a little seasick. “And what is Jade actually upset about?”

“Oh we have no idea,” Jackie says. “But she doesn’t seem to know either so, we’ll get there together, hopefully.”

The table goes quiet for a beat, then two. Ilya thinks of himself as someone who’s good with kids. And he wants kids with Shane, he wants to build a family. This is the first time he’s really faced a situation with a kid that he feels completely unprepared for.

“Oh my god,” Jackie says. “Your faces! Wait I feel like an idiot.”

Ilya glances at Shane, who looks completely normal except for a slight furrow in his brow, betraying some storm of thoughts behind his eyes, but Ilya’s the only one who can read that far into his expressions with any accuracy. Which probably means his own face isn’t the stone mask he thought it was. Fuck.

“You guys are gonna be fine,” Hayden says. “And when your kid is twelve and cries all the time you’ll survive it.”

“Kids cry all the time; you get used to it. This glass of wine is, like, a completely separate thing,” Jackie says.

Next to him, Shane starts, “Well, good thing is that’s probably a little while away-” His phone, sitting next to his plate lights up and distracts him.

Ilya leans over to see what captured his perfect-table-manners husband’s attention. It’s…an email from the interior decorator. Boring. But Ilya, frankly, needs a break from this conversation, so he lets Shane read it and turns to ask Jackie about the latest season of The Bachelorette instead.

***

Cens Grownups🐎

3:01pm

Rozanov

Young is feeling homesick, I promised him team night out if he calls his mom tonight

Hayes

Where’s he from again? I can never remember

Bood

Denver

Hayes

Ohhh right. Well makes sense with the game coming up. Night out here or in Denver next month?

Rozanov

Here after game in a few days. We can also do Denver next month, but Young might want to go see his mom

Bood

Hell yeah, I’ll call Monks and give them a heads up

Hayes 

You know it’s weird. I never took Young to be the homesick kind

Bood

What? You think the kid is lying?

Hayes

No

I mean, maybe. There’s something I can’t put my finger on

***

Shane knocks softly on the closed door. Predictably, he gets no response. He feels completely out of his depth here, thrown a bit by Arthur’s idea to go and talk to Ruby in the first place. He almost waved it off, but then realized he could take the opportunity to practice a little. He tries not to feel guilty about it and knocks again.

Ruby opens the door a crack and he takes that as invitation to enter. He shuts the door behind him as she climbs back up on to her bed and hugs her knees into her chest. She’s swallowed by a hoodie she wasn’t wearing at dinner.

“I don’t want to talk,” she grumbles, staring at the mattress.

Shane nods, “Okay. We don’t have to talk.” He sits down in her desk chair.

There’s a chapter in Jackie’s parenting book that talks about difficult conversations with kids at all different ages and stages of development. After he and Ilya both felt blindsided by the last dinner they had with the Pikes, Shane made it a point to read through the chapter. Had Jackie not already highlighted the notes about “giving your child space” and “letting them decide when and how they wanted to talk” Shane would have done it himself.

Ilya’s the talker, the extrovert, in their relationship. It’s just how Shane likes it. And he loves watching Ilya play with the little Pikes or the other team kids, he really does. Sometimes, though, the thought runs through his mind that when they have their own kid, Ilya will be the one better suited to more of the visible things. Shane can read a million books on development and he can coordinate doctor’s appointments and make sure everyone eats their vegetables, but that’s not the same as bonding.

On the bed, Ruby’s breathing evens out; her intakes are steadier, her exhales longer. Shane marvels at that, then feels like an idiot for not considering it earlier. When Shane was her age, the thought of explaining himself when he got upset only ever made things worse. His parents always gave him space, but there’s something peaceful about sitting in the quiet with someone.

Shane thinks he would sit with any kid who needed a buddy to be quiet with. If it were his own, he might even hope for the privilege.

He’s never been good at the kind of meditating that requires stillness. That peaceful blank mental state only finds him in sex and hockey. So, he keeps his body still in the desk chair and lets his mind wander while Ruby quietly calms down. He doesn’t have an end game here, just hopes the moment will present itself where either Ruby feels better or Hayden comes to replace him.

“I kind of hate Ottawa,” Ruby says after a while, not lifting her head off her knees.

“Oh yeah?”

She blows out a frustrated breath. “Yeah. I liked living in Montreal! And then we had to move and now Jade is making friends without me and I don’t know what to do.”

“That sounds tough,” he says, and he means it.

“It’s so tough, Uncle Shane. And Mom and Dad don’t, like, get it because I had tons of friends in Montreal so they think I can just make new ones. But I made those friends when I was, like, Amber’s age and I think someone changed the rules since then. Jade’s making friends because she’s nicer than me, but I think something’s wrong with me because I don’t know how to be nice like that.”

“Hey,” Shane says. “Nothing’s wrong with you.”

Ruby raises her head and meets his eyes. “But everyone else just figured it out when we moved here! I’m the only one who can’t do it.”

“I think,” Shane says carefully. “Even if it feels like you’re the only one, you aren’t. I bet your siblings are struggling in their own ways. But even if they weren’t, and it was just you, it still wouldn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Everyone handles this stuff differently.” She doesn’t look convinced, but she doesn’t argue, so he continues, “Want to know a secret? I miss Montreal sometimes, too.”

“You do?”

He shrugs, “Not all the time, but when I first moved here a few years ago I did a lot. I missed playing with your dad and the coffee shop near my apartment. I even,” he drops his voice to a whisper, “Sometimes missed playing for the Voyageurs.”

Ruby’s eyes go wide. “Uncle Shane, I don’t think you’re allowed to say that.”

“Don’t tell Uncle Ilya.”

“Your secret’s safe with me,” she says. Then she surprises him by climbing off her bed and coming to wrap her arms around his neck. “And you stopped missing things eventually? Like it got better?” she whispers.

He nods and hugs her back, “It took some time, but I promise it did.”

***

Cap Jr

8:08pm

Holmberg

Hey Cap you know how we’re gonna play the Guardians in like two weeks

Ilya

Yes game schedule has been out for months

Holmberg

Right okay so I have an idea for team bonding

📍View Pinned Location

I texted my old billet mom and she said the place is still open and I think we should take everyone

Ilya

Maxwell Holmberg is that a Russian bakery

Holmberg

Yeah! I billeted with a Russian family in juniors and we always stopped here before games

Ilya

You did not tell me you are Russian????

Holmberg

I swear I did! Well, I’m not actually Russian but I lived with that family for a year and I know I told you at some point

Ilya

No I would remember this

Tell Luca he has been replaced, you are my son now

***

“Do you think our kid is going to play hockey?” Shane asks on the way to watch Ruby and Jade’s game.

Ilya grins and puts his phone down on his lap. “No, I think they will want to run away and join the circus and we will have to learn how to tame elephants if we ever want to see them.”

“Ilya, I’m serious.”

“Shane, I know,” Ilya reaches over to grab his hand. “You are always serious about hockey. If our kid is anything like you, they will be too.”

“Okay but what if they aren’t,” he stresses. “What if they want to play some other sport? Or they don’t want to play a sport at all? Is that something we can make them do anyway? Exercise is good for them, right? But what if they hate us for making them do it?”

Ilya squeezes his hand. “Shane, sweetheart, they’re going to want to play hockey.”

“Ilya, we don’t know-”

“They’re going to want to play hockey because their dads play hockey,” Ilya says. “You have met the team kids, yes? Maybe our kid doesn’t want to go pro or play like Ruby and Jade, but they’ll want to do it because kids want to be like their parents.”

“Sorry,” Shane says, ever the polite Canadian. Like he can read Ilya’s thoughts, he glances over and gives him a little grin. “I keep reading things online about adopting a kid and how it’s not like a baby. Like, our kid is going to come with pre-loaded interests and they might not be hockey.”

They pull into the parking lot of the ice rink and Ilya takes the opportunity to take Shane’s chin in his hand and force eye contact for his own good. “Okay, one question. If our kid tells you one day that they hate hockey and never want to get on the ice again, would you give them back?”

“Give them back? That’s ridiculous-”

Ilya cuts him off with a kiss. “Exactly,” he says. “Ridiculous.”

Shane blows out a breath and presses his forehead against Ilya’s. “Okay. Right. I’m good now.” Ilya’s heart skips a beat. He loves this man so much. “I just, want this for us someday.”

“Someday? Hollander, the social worker said within the next year.”

“No, no, like this. The early morning hockey games where we get to sit in the parents section and help lug the gear bag they’re too little to carry and take turns tying their skates extra tight so they don’t trip on the ice.” Shane says it in a low tone, all in a rush; like he’s afraid speaking it too loud will make the wish not come true.

And oh, fuck, Ilya’s eyes are suddenly blurry. “I love you,” he says, because it’s the simplest way to capture the well of emotion in his chest. “I want that too.”

Shane nods and kisses him again. If not for the other cars and people in this parking lot, Ilya would be trying one last time to get Shane pregnant. Subjecting themselves to the whims of the adoption system suddenly seems a fickle choice. Ilya wants something that’s guaranteed to give Shane everything he’s ever wanted.

They do have to get moving eventually, and Shane pulls back to say as much. Ilya nods and wipes his eyes for unrelated reasons. “Okay,” he says. “I saw Pike’s car heading to the back of the lot. I bet they went to go make out. We should go find them.”

***

моя тыква❤️

2:34pm

Shane

Hey where’d you go?

Ilya

[image attached: point of view shot of Anya on a leash on a pretty, tree-lined street]

Anya and I are on a walk

Shane

When are you going to be back?

Ilya

Maybe 15 minutes? Why? Are you okay?

Shane

I’m fine! The social worker wants to do a call if we have time today. I think she wants to nail down some details about what languages we can speak/want to teach our kid.

Ilya

Мы с Аней возвращаемся домой!

***

Ilya thinks the Boston outing went perfectly well, thank you for asking. It’s not his fault if his rookies don’t know how to talk to girls. It’s not even his responsibility as captain, though he has maintained throughout his career that people play better when they’re getting laid regularly.

Most of the team is sleeping or sitting quietly with their headphones in. It’s not a particularly early flight back, but since they’re all old and married (as the kids so sweetly put it) they need more recovery time from a night out.

Shane’s asleep in the aisle seat next to him, holding his left hand hostage. Ilya’s trying to read the chapter on dating advice from Jackie’s parenting book with his free hand, praying anyone except for a very select few players need him for anything. 

It’s slow going, all things considered. Flipping the pages is difficult with only one hand. This chapter has less charts and pictures than some of the others, leaving a dense page of English that Ilya could probably process better if he’d had more sleep last night.

Needing to have this kind of conversation as a parent is years and years away. Pike and Dykstra both love to make the joke about forbidding their kids to date until they’re thirty. Ilya never really got it, but the thought of his kid getting their heart broken is upsetting enough, and Ilya hasn’t met his kid yet. Still, the logical part of his brain knows it’s inevitable, and the rookie’s latest dating woes have sparked an interest in getting in some practice rounds.

He’s reading over the section on sex and how to approach it (a conversation Ilya’s pretty sure he never formally had with anyone growing up), when Troy’s head pops up from the seat in front of him. Ilya panics and tries to hide the book under his leg.

“Hey, so I-” Troy starts. “Are you good? What was that? Are you reading porn or something?”

If the team is going to spread weird sex rumors about him, he wants them to be true. So, he comes clean and flashes the cover of the book to Troy. “No,” he says. “Is just this.”

“No shit,” Troy says. “Congrats, man.”

Ilya smiles. “Thank you. Did you need something?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll let you read in peace.”

***

(Sometimes) Reformed Assholes

12:11 pm

Ilya

Cone of silence

Troy

Cone of silence?

Ilya 

Don’t tell anyone except maybe Harris

Troy

Oh. Just say that next time

What am I not telling anyone but Harris?

Ilya

The book you saw me reading on the plane. Not public knowledge yet

Troy

Oh for sure, dude.

For what it’s worth I think it’s cool you’re doing that. Like, my dad sure as shit didn’t and we know how that turned out

Ilya

Yes, well, the idea is to try and do things different this time around

***

Arthur has a surprisingly strong grip as he tugs Shane through the Boodram house. They come to a skidding stop in front of Ilya in the foyer.

“I did it, Uncle Ilya! I win!” Arthur yells, jumping up and down. 

Ilya grins and says, “Yes, good job. Now, for your prize…”

“You didn’t set the prize before you started?” Shane asks. “How’s that a fair game?”

“Hollander, not everyone cares this much about rules.”

“They should! Otherwise how can you prevent cheating?”

“Uncle Ilyaaaaaa,” Arthur says between them. “What’s my prize?”

“Your prize,” Ilya says, pausing for dramatic effect. “Is extra ice cream next time you come to our house.”

Arthur cheers, and then runs off. Shane assumes he’s going to gloat in his sisters’ faces, if history is anything to go on.

“He’s not going to remember that,” Shane says, stepping closer to his husband.

Ilya blows a raspberry, “That was the point, Hollander.”

“Why’d you bring me over here, Rozanov?”

Ilya closes the gap between them and says against Shane’s lips, “Want to get out of here?”

Shane kisses him in answer. “You know I do.”

“Good,” Ilya says, with one final peck. He laces their fingers together and tugs him towards the front door.

***

мой термометр❤️

2:07 am

Ilya

Shane switch rooms with me

Shane

No you chose to stay with Luca

Ilya

He does not listen. My sweet baby rookie has been replaced by an evil mean flu monster

Shane

I don’t know what you’re talking about. Gabe has been asleep this whole time.

Ilya

You said we needed to practice parenting on rookies! We should switch so we both get to practice on Luca

Shane

Why do you assume any child of ours is going to be combatant when they’re sick? Maybe we’ll have a perfect angel who sleeps through the whole thing

Ilya

Well if they’re anything like you…

Shane

You think I’m bad at being sick??

Ilya

Sweetheart I think you’re the worst patient I’ve ever met

Shane

Says the man who got yelled at by Terry for ignoring his PT plan to walk his dog two months ago

Ilya

No no that was different

Shane

It was the definition of a bad patient

Ilya

[video attached: dim hotel lighting, Ilya is filming from across the room. The video shows Luca tossing and turning in bed, then struggling to sit up.

Ilya: “No”

Luca: “Cap, I’m just gonna check my phone”

Ilya: “No. Lay the fuck back down”

Luca: “I’m fine, ‘m fine”

Ilya: “You have the flu. Options are lay down and go to sleep or lay down and go to sleep”

Luca visibly pouts but shuffles back down into bed.]

If I am bad patient, what do you call this?

Shane

Oh he really is your firstborn

Ilya

🖕

I hate you

Shane

No you don’t❤️

3:15 am

Shane

I know you’re probably asleep, but I was just thinking that the next time we’re up in the middle of the night with a sick kid it’s going to be our own. Like that just hit me.

I love you and I’m so excited to have a kid with you❤️

Ilya

Not asleep, if I don’t yell at Luca every twenty minutes he’s going to try and put on skates

I love you too❤️

***

If not for the pounding headache, the sinus pressure, the terrible cough and the slight fever, being sick with Shane was kind of nice. In all their years of dating and marriage, this was the first time they were truly sick together. It was miserable, of course, but being miserable together made it almost worth it.

They usher the Pikes out of their house and Shane beelines back to the couch. Ilya switches off the burner and pours some of the soup into a mug. When he makes it back to the den, Shane is already half asleep, smushed back into the cushions.

Ilya climbs in half on top of him and holds out his mug, “Want some?”

Shane wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. “No, just wanna sleep.”

Ilya doesn’t know how long they stay like that; Shane asleep at his side and Ilya sipping soup and watching the west coast game from yesterday Shane put on and then immediately muted in favor of sleeping. Ilya watches Shane’s chest rise and fall and it’s almost meditative.

He has about half the mug of soup before setting it to the side in favor of running his fingers through Shane’s hair. He loves Shane’s hair; coarse and thick and long enough to wrap his fingers around and pull. He doesn’t pull now, though, just gently brushes it off his forehand and away from his face.

He should probably sleep too, but he feels restless. Not enough to get up and do anything, but enough to stay awake, his mind running in circles.

Anya, finished playing with a toy under the dining room table, joins them on the couch at one point. She fits herself in around Shane’s calves, waking him from his nap.

He looks up at Ilya with half-open eyes, “You’re not sleeping?”

Ilya shakes his head, “No, but I like this.”

That earns him a sleepy grin and Shane says, “Me too.” Ilya expects him to settle back in and fall asleep, but instead he shuffles a little more upright and has a coughing fit. Ilya passes him the mug of now-cold soup. He takes a sip and says, “Fuck.”

Ilya laughs and returns the mug to the side table. The lay in silence for a few minutes, Shane’s eyes tracking the goal replay on the TV. 

“What if this happens again?” Ilya asks, shocking himself with the question. It’s what he had been thinking of during Shane’s nap, taking care of a sick kid while being sick, but he hadn’t meant to voice it.

“What if what happens again?”

“This,” Ilya says, gesturing between the two of them. “Us both sick at the same time.” Shane furrows his brow as he processes the question. Ilya clarifies, “Except with a kid.”

“Oh,” Shane says. “We might need a bigger couch, then.”

“What?”

“You know, to fit a third person on here,” Shane says, as if that answers any questions. “We can probably get away with this one for at least a year or two though.”

This is…not even remotely what Ilya thought he would say. Shane Hollander, over thinker extraordinaire, is completely relaxed at Ilya’s side, talking about interior decorating choices. He doesn’t appear even remotely concerned.

Maybe, Ilya thinks, he hasn’t been clear enough. He tries again, “You are not worried about being sick and taking care of a sick kid? Arthur’s question did not freak you out?”

“Surprised me, maybe. Scared me?” Shane smiles at him. “No. All of our teammates just survived it and came out the other side. As long as we’re not headed for the hospital, a sick day on this couch with my family can’t be the worst thing in the world.”

“Ah,” Ilya says, choking back tears. “Not fair, Hollander. I am weak from flu and you say these things to me.”

Shane presses a kiss to his shoulder. Anya wiggles at their feet and Ilya reaches a hand out for her. She comes willingly for scratches, and Ilya lets himself imagine a small body tucked between his and Shane’s. His family.

***

Twitter’s Favorite Polycule

7:38 pm

Hayden

SOS

Ruby just asked if Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya are ever having a baby

Then she got really sad about me being on the road all the time

Shane

Did you tell her?

Hayden

Yes Shane I told her everything🙄

Obviously I deflected like hell and then went to check on Jade and Arthur

Jackie

Was she crying again?

Hayden

Yeah, the embarrassed “I’m too big for this” cry. But she let me hug her until she stopped!

Jackie

Hell yeah babe!

Ilya

She is okay?

Hayden

She’s fine, I’m just not sure where she got the baby idea in the first place

Jackie

Have you guys told anyone else? Maybe she picked up some stray gossip at the last barbecue

Ilya

Troy knows, but he learned after Bood’s

Jackie

Could be completely unrelated. Someone from school or hockey might be getting a little sibling 

Hayden

Not that I’m not honored to be (once again) keeping a huge secret for you guys, but have you thought of telling anyone else?

Ilya

Making FanMails again?

Hayden

🖕

Shane

Soon, probably

Hayden

Define soon for me buddy

Shane

After playoffs? We’re in the waiting period anyway. No reason to get everyone excited for nothing

Jackie

Excited for nothing?? I’m sure everyone would be thrilled to wait with you

Ilya

That’s his nice way of saying he thinks it will distract everyone from a cup run

Shane

I just don’t want to risk it!

Hayden

And that’s how we won three Cups together

***

“Okay, we’ve gotta go like - fuck - ten minutes ago,” Shane says, checking his watch. “You guys are good? You’re sure? Last chance to back out.”

“We got this,” Holmberg says.

Next to him, Young says, “It’s going to go so smoothly you won’t even know there were twelve kids here when you get back.”

LaPointe smacks him on the back of the head. “Seriously, dude. Enough with the jinxing!”

“Ah, I think you are off in your headcount,” Ilya says, handing Shane his water bottle.

“Did we forget a kid again?” Luca asks, and starts to count off families on his fingers. “No, I’m sure it’s twelve.”

“You’re an asshole,” Shane says to his husband. 

“What? Twelve kids plus four tall babies, no?”

“C’mon, Cap!” the kids groan, but they’re smiling. 

Shane knows this will be fine. It’s one last All-Stars for the books and when they come back the house will be standing. Ilya shoots him a look that is equal parts it’s going to be fine and it’s too late now.

Shane does one last check for his wallet-phone-keys and he and Ilya head for their car. As Ilya throws their bags in the trunk, Nick and Selena roll up in front of the mailbox.

“Have fun, boys!” Chouinard calls. “All-Star Weekend! Let’s go!”

***

“You know,” Wyatt says conversationally. “Every year I think it can’t possibly get worse. And then it does.”

Ilya throws a peanut at his head. “Oh? I can’t flirt with my husband, now?”

Wyatt rolls his eyes. “That was not flirting and you know it.”

“Yeah, it was fucking foreplay,” Marlow crows. He shakes his head. “Roz, you dog.”

“Marly, you wouldn’t know foreplay if it walked up and introduced itself to you,” Ilya says.

Next to him, Shane’s head thunks down on the table. Ilya squeezes the back of his neck once, twice, and then lets him have a moment. The Player’s Welcome Lunch earlier today was for networking with suits and pretending to care about west coast players. Tonight, camped out in a bar in Columbus, Ohio, is for actually catching up with the guys they liked.

Shane rights himself in his chair and pulls his phone out with his right hand. His left hand travels absentmindedly over to squeeze and then rest on Ilya’s knee under the table. Desire lights up Ilya’s spine.

“I feel like I missed something,” Carter Vaughn says, sliding into an empty chair. “A guy goes to the bar for one minute, you know?”

J.J. follows close behind, with another round for Wyatt and Ilya. “We missed something?”

“You didn’t miss anything,” Shane says.

“Not true!” Wyatt says. He narrows his eyes across the table. “They were having some flirt-fight about the skills competition.”

Vaughn raises an eyebrow, “Hollander and Rozanov? Competing over something no one else cares about? Groundbreaking.”

“Fuck off,” Shane says, automatic. He catches Ilya’s eye and Ilya covers the hand on his knee with his own and laces their fingers together. “This is like, the foundation of our marriage.”

Ilya takes a sip of his drink and says, “If we’re going to talk about old news, Vaughn where is your pet dinosaur? You did not bring him this weekend?”

***

Shane wins Shot Accuracy. Ilya wins Hardest Shot. Shane wins Faster Skater. Ilya wins Stick Handling. They’re in a dead heat. It’s going to come down to the game tomorrow.

“So,” Wyatt asks, catching them in elevator that night. “What are the stakes?”

“Stakes?” Ilya asks, playing dumb. Shane elbows him.

“Yeah, the stakes of whatever bet you have going on. It’s not exactly a secret the way you’ve obviously got something riding on the outcomes of this weekend. And you’re tied, which does not bode well for the rest of us who were looking forward to a friendly game of All-Star hockey tomorrow.”

Shane scoffs and Ilya says, “Shane thinks every game of hockey should be taken seriously.”

“As if you didn’t come up with the bet this weekend, asshole.”

“So there is a bet!” Wyatt says, grinning. 

They exit the elevator and head towards the hotel bar. They’re definitely more social at All-Star games now than they were a few years ago, but Shane proposed a strict two-drink maximum before they get to head up to their room for the night. He’ll be surprised if Ilya lets either of them finish the second drink.

They claim seats in a booth with the same crew from last night, a pitcher of beer and empty glasses sit on the table.

Ilya says, “Obviously, there is a bet.”

Wyatt wants details, and convinces the rest of their table to join his cause. Shane looks at his husband with a question. Ilya meets his eyes and smiles. It’s not like it’s going to be a secret forever. Shane takes a deep breath, almost even gets to say it out loud and-

“Oh my god,” Wyatt says. “Holy shit.”

Um. “What?” Shane asks.

Wyatt’s looking at the rest of the table, but everyone else is just confused. “Right, forgot you guys aren’t married.”

“Rude,” says Marlow.

J.J. nods, “I’m offended.”

Vaughn shrugs, “Hey, at least I’m engaged.”

“Wait,” Ilya says, his eyes flicking between Wyatt and Shane. “We didn’t say anything. What do you think you know?”

“Can I?” He waits for Shane and Ilya to each nod and then says. “Well, first of all, the kids think you’re mind readers but honestly anyone who’s married can understand at least like…fifty percent of your silent conversations.”

Shane feels his stomach drop out, just a little. Next to him, Ilya shakes his head in disbelief.

Wyatt continues, “So, whatever that was really about, which wasn’t just the bet by the way, plus the fact that you two have had a secret all season combined in my head for a second with the fact that you’ve got the rooks at your house with the team’s kids. That’s so out of character for both of you, honestly, that the only context it would make sense is if you were planning on having a kid.”

Marlow’s mouth is hanging open and Vaughn looks mildly scared of Wyatt.

“Capitane,” J.J. asks. “Is it true?”

Shane shrugs. “Uh, yeah. It is.”

After a round of congratulations and swearing to secrecy (that Shane knows won’t really work), Wyatt looks and asks one more question. “Okay, but what was the bet about.”

“Oh that,” Ilya says, waving a hand. He’s loose and relaxed next to Shane, one arm slung over the back of Shane’s chair. “Naming rights.”

“Naming rights?”

“Like to name the kid?”

“No, no,” Shane clarifies. “The kid’s going to come with a name already. This about how to hyphenate.”

“Rozanov-Hollander,” Ilya says.

“In your dreams,” Shane bites back. He leans his shoulder into Ilya’s arm. “Hollander-Rozanov all the way.”

***

🦖🦖🦖

2:48 pm

Scott

Hey, congrats on the news!

Ilya

News?

Scott

Carter mentioned you two were adopting

Shane

Well it was bound to get out eventually.

Thank you!

Ilya

We are taking grandparent applications if you are interested

***

They make it through the first round of playoffs with relative ease and win it in five. During the short break between series, there’s a gap in the playoffs-practice schedule. Hayden insists on hosting a team event at the Pike house. 

Jackie teased him for it when he brought it up, but before every Cup win with Montreal, the Pike’s hosted something after the first series. Sure, that was because Jackie was head WAG and Shane hated hosting, but they had won the Cup!

The Centaurs, being reasonable hockey players, couldn’t and wouldn’t argue with that logic.

So, Hayden finds himself with a house full of people in the middle of April. It’s been, all things considered, a relatively quiet few weeks. The twins’ new school had some rigorous end-of-year testing they had started prepping for in March. Jade was convinced she would fail and Ruby was hysterical at the thought of being moved up a grade without Jade. Not that these tests had the power to do that, but try convincing her that.

Arthur was working on something at all hours of the day and night, and had employed Amber as a bodyguard. Which was funny, mostly. The power was going to her head just a little, but he and Jackie decided they would work on that once school let out in June. Once playoffs were over and Hayden could devote his full-time attention to it.

Probably, he should have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. But the whole year had been one big growing pain for his kids, and he was glad they finally seemed settled.

He stood next to Shane in the kitchen, gossiping about Montreal players getting divorced and watching the pack of children running around the backyard with the rookies.

Jackie finds them there, and Hayden thinks she’s going to either ask for help or come hide out from the rest of the party with them. Instead, she places the parenting book she loves so much on the counter and says, “Hey, I found this in the foyer. You didn’t tell me you were done with it!”

Shane squints at it. “We didn’t finish it yet, I’m waiting for Ilya to catch up before I read the last chapter.”

“Oh,” Jackie says. “Bold of you to bring it today. You haven’t made a formal announcement yet, right?”

“No, I mean half the guys have guessed and we’re not lying but-” he trails off.

“Wait, are you going to tell them today?” Jackie grips his hand even as she looks at Shane. Hayden gently moves her hand to his forearm, but doesn’t want her to let go.

Shane shakes his head. “Not until after playoffs.”

He looks more distracted than Hayden has seen him in a while. He pulls out his phone and Hayden can see cyrillic text next to a heart at the top of the chat he pulls up.

Ilya responds and Shane says, “He didn’t bring it either. Swears the copy you leant us is on the coffee table at home.” He looks up. “Sorry, Jackie, but I don’t know where that came from.”

Jackie picks it up and examines it. “The library, apparently,” she mutters, and Hayden can see her brain firing on all cylinders.

The sliding door to the backyard opens and Ilya comes in to join them. “What?” he says to whatever he sees on Shane’s face. “You text, I come.”

Jackie’s looking at the book like she’s never seen it before, flipping through the pages like the answers are inside. Hayden knows how much this book means to her. In many ways, it does have a lot of answers and is basically the third parent in their household. Still, he thinks, she already knows what’s inside it.

A slip of paper flutters from between the last couple of pages. Hayden grabs it before it can reach the ground. He turns it over without thinking, scans the top of the receipt without consciously deciding to do so.

And printed at the top is Arthur Pike. The receipt is from last summer, the parenting book sitting in the middle of the Dog Man books he likes so much.

In the space of one perfect second, Hayden realizes that this book is the thing Arthur has been shoving under pillows and into his backpack for months. It’s the project he and Jackie were giving him time and space and privacy to work on; their sweet boy finding something for himself. He doesn’t have an earthly clue as to the context, but he can answer the immediate question in his wife’s brain.

He places a hand on the small of her back, drawing her attention away from the book, and says, “Jacks, look at this.”

Chapter End Notes

cut to me, re-reading all the chapters before this over and over, writing this with a split screen so i could make sure the dialouge matched perfectly. this story to me is a sitcom in many ways, but especially in this chapter, which i have been planning for from the beginning. i loveeee a look behind the scenes and a missing moments in the final hour of a story.

i hope everyone's excited for the endgame! let me know what you think in the comments or on tumblr. i love you💜